Guide Purpose & Secret for a Happier Marriage, Rabbi Aaron Laine #103

okay everybody welcome to tonight's hundredth and third share program with coach monaco burnfield and the let's get real team over here and uh we're really happy that everybody's here tonight i'm gonna have a little uh technical uh my assistant my partner is working remotely tonight so uh please uh stand by me while we deal with technical difficulties last week we had the most technical difficulty here the workshop worked out and metrocenter and tonight is going to be an amazing share and we're very excited to have rivera land with us erin lane with us tonight we'll get there in a second so first like the start of thanking uh everybody who comes in every week you know again the platform is 103 share but i don't think i think we could say already that this year is already exploding we're doing great and i want to thank everybody for promoting it on all their whatsapp statuses emailing it to their family and their friends letting people know about it i you know sometimes i go and i was i was by a wedding this this week and and next to muncie it's actually a cousin about your wedding and the mother of the cousin comes up with me and says i listen to your shirt every week i can't believe you by the wedding i'm from the california so thank you and i said mama it's a beautiful and it's you know such it's from cranites from uh australia mexico panama city even people in panama city listen to the chair so it's broke hashem it's gevaldic and um i want to thank everybody for for making it grow it's all from people themselves and we appreciate that every lame we call this this we try to get to the bottom point of everything and again if anybody wants to join my whatsapp status i send every sunday with the share and people post it please what's at me at 848.525.0066 again that number is eight four eight five two five zero zero six six if you want to sign up to get the emails from coach manafort you go to his website management felt which is like his name mathematical.com and you could sign up to get the weekly flyers and he sends it out twice a week one for the replay and the one for the sunday before this year to see what's coming on anybody who's watching this on youtube the replay click on the like button for coachmen and the subscribe button so every monday at 2 30 in the morning when monaco uploads this year for that week you get to know about it and you get the ding and we get much more followers with monopoly so we can come eat him right we have millions of followers i'd like to start off thanking all the advertising sponsors of the lakewood scoop here and lakewood for providing us a liquid rabbit yeah ellie and ariel from five town central for pointing us on the website special thank you to kyla kaufman and shmuel summer from jcn and tonight a special summer thank you to mika sopher from coli for promoting us on that website thank you again i want to start off with opening up that coach monacan is collaborating hold on one second hold on one second hold on hold on okay uh the coachman outcomes show is collaborating with okay clarity to bring greater health and wellness to jewish community around the globe okay cloud is the online platform for mental health support the jewish journey okay clarity you can find the best therapists coaches nutritionists engage in forms and stay inspired links will be found after the show let's show the email and also i'm going to mention it now but i mentioned again rabbi lane wrote a book it's called gps on marriage and the metro matrix is going to email out the link to the book if anybody wants to get it if they enjoy the share so much they want to get it um anybody again who's the therapist that are watching the program we're part of we can get credits for therapists to see credits if anybody's interested in getting c credits please email support corwell ceu.com and you can get credits for the serum that have therapists not rob elaine but others assume that i have therapists on it again for anybody joining for the first time anybody here joining tonight for the first time every sunday night at 9 30 p.m eastern time on this zoom id we have different robotim different therapists different topics and uh again like i said it's the 103rd share so obviously uh we've covered a lot of ground so uh try to join us every sunday next sunday hashem may 29th we're going to have an amazing show with representation who's actually on the program once before with somebody else tonight next sunday's coming out himself is russia shiva of mo the sift of eatontown and he's going to be discussing to the sunday before schwa so we're going to be talking about how to feel tired for everybody and how tired is for everybody and making sure we reach all of our children via the terrorists so it should be a powerful and deep meaningful program i'm sure it's negate to everybody so please come and join and it should be amazing tonight we have this host and the honor of having with us from panama city for over 28 years or baron lane who wrote it i said before wrote a book it's called gps on marriage the reason why i rabbi and i don't know if the reason why this happened because i got a call a long time ago from somebody who told me you must have her iron lane on the shirt i said whoa what i said mama she's the best he's murdered so i said who is it she awesome it's his mother i was like oh yeah but then i got other people that requested it so i said it's meant to be but i'm just letting you know it's the mama's giving out from the mama so thank you thank you for coming and joining us tonight and the trim we'll get to you and uh he's from panama city so you know everybody goes to panama knows rabbi lane but he's in miami right now he's taking a little uh vacation for our wedding but uh for coming again everyone we started doing gematrias for all the shirum so we did the machio 103 my friend arnold treaty does the gematrias and uh you want to hear the gamache for one or three hour ballet i'm you tell me revelation definitely let me hear my true that we came up with is noig bach covered neyega covered if you give her cover there's 103 we're assuming that's the probably the recipe for marriage we're just without without knowing that's what arnold freak came up with i thought it was a good gematria yeah you gave away my whole speech okay everybody have a good night for coming and we gave it away okay so before we start let's try to start with our host coach menachem bernfield please open it up for doilum why are we here what are we doing here tonight thank you thank you thank you thank you very much i want to welcome everyone again for coming to the sheer let's get real with coach manafort hashem we're up to number 103 with a lot of siata deshmae every week hashem helps us again and again embark hashem from the feedback which we'll hear soon another week on discussing marriage and um like a lot i would love to share with the audience a little bit of the feedback that i got which i get the feel of how people take how they understand what's their their the vibe the energy and as usual you always have all different types different ways of looking at it and from last week we had mr mrs pearlman dr perlman um discussing marriage which they discussed many interesting scenarios and a lot about being vulnerable going into that space of not knowing how it's gonna turn out and uh like the feedback that i got most i don't know the numbers but a lot of people loved it it was it was so good it was amazing as usual and then there were others who they said it was too deep too deep for them and i could understand both ways and talking about the vulnerability it's not an easy concept to understand and um it it could be deep for many and it's interesting i really we spoke about it last week a little bit but i do want to mention it again you know the definition of being vulnerable is being is being able to open yourself up now opening yourself up means that it's possible that you might get hurt that means imagine you're wearing a jacket a thick jacket so you don't get any thorns you know you don't get scratched up and then you decide to just open it up take off take you know and and walk through the thorns it's it's you're opening up to deep um deep feelings and thoughts that you have and many times they don't accept it we're scared that they might judge if they hear what i'm going through what i'm thinking they won't accept it the way i want i want them to accept it so it is not easy for everyone and not recommended for everyone it's not something that you should just go for it that many people are aware there are people that try and realize that they can't and the important concept to be vulnerable before you're vulnerable to anybody else it's an important thing to be able to be vulnerable to yourself if you can be open and understand what um what am i feeling what are my thoughts what are my fears and to be able to sit and hold that space for yourself that would be even before finding somebody else but it's not easy and sometimes you do need somebody else not always is it the right person to seek out that it should be your spouse many times you should seek out somebody else and um why it shouldn't be not always does it work should be a spouse well first of all they have their own triggers their own things that they have to work out and not always are they capable of holding that space for you and that itself is a vulnerable feeling if you're sitting here and thinking i wish i can be connected open up have that relationship that's that's a feeling that's a that's a real vulnerable feeling to feel it yourself and just hold that space for yourself and if you do need to share with someone find someone that you can talk to and not always is it the spouse now i just want to throw out a question which many people have asked me and i think we'll pick up a little bit from tonight if i can't be open with my spouse then why are we married so many people feel then that's marriage to be able to share all the deep secrets and everything that's going on isn't that the reason why we get married well it's a good question and maybe we'll hear a little bit tonight but i think tonight we'll discuss a little bit more practical for those who felt that last week was deep this week we'll be able to hear a little bit more of guidance ideas that we'll be able to implement and to use and i read a little bit of the book and a little bit i read very interesting and very down to earth and very practical so it's it's just to have an honor to have with us rabbi elaine and amit hashem with the lot of seattle will be able to take some practical things that we learned tonight and apply it to our marriage so again an overview of tonight's tonight's share is called the one thing that we could that can really make a difference in your marriage gps guide purpose and a secret for a happier marriage so uh rabbi elaine the pressure's on we all want that one thing so we could all fix everything and uh we want the secrets so that's that um i just want to say somebody called me up before the show they just wanted to say that uh whatever somebody listens to share said they had a tremendous chat to the schmeyer they were waiting on a get and they they waited till every pace off and things worked out for them and they just wanted us to give us that even though things are sometimes difficult things work out and it should be a squish for them you know going forward um rabbi aaron lane i'm going to read your bio which is very short and we're going to go straight into the chair we have aaron lane has been the rabbi of the ashkenazic community in panama city panama for over 28 years the worth of gps for happy marriage recommended by many rabbis and therapists rabbit lane finally [Music] for your insisting that finally we meet up i have seen um some of your sessions before before i came on i even actually looked at most of the marriage sessions very interesting and i want to share with you some thoughts since you mentioned my mother who actually contacted you a long time ago she said you must always shut your back on one second one second i forgot let's have to pause the shirt tonight's show we're learning my father-in-law whose yard site is tonight he was lived at a very young age uh todd miller from milwaukee my wife is actually there that's why we're gonna explain that soon why that when it comes to the questions but she's there and tonight should be shama tovia ben roberts malia third yard site i believe sorry continue no problem i was thinking you forgot that anyway so my mother said make sure you have the book in front all the time so i'm just going to leave this up here no just kidding so just uh do keep the aim i'm sure she's watching so shout out to my mother so here it goes basically what does a rabbi have to write a book on marriage you know we have so many things to worry about for those of you that didn't hear i came to panama about 28 years ago i'm the rabbi of the ashkenazi show called bethel the last couple years panel has become very famous we have many kosher tourism going on this uh yushi location we had hundreds and hundreds of people so it's becoming a hot spot so there's plenty of things to do in every community when we came there were like 100 families today today we have close to 400 families so we always had houston but what happened was i came here when i was 24 my wife was 19 and people started asking me advice for marriage and i was like what do i know about marriage i was married uh eight months more or less and i really i realized quickly that in panama since it was a very traditional community people were going to the rabbi before going to the therapist so i started dedicating a lot of time reading all the jewish material regarding marriage and they started developing some ideas and some thoughts after a while i wrote a little manual i gave ascended to two important rabbanim that i respect and admire one of them one of them was my uncle and he wrote back to me this is very amateur stuff and i was like oh my how dare him say that but he was right and over the years i continued to help try to help helps the couples like i said with the little knowledge i had using the people that i've spoke i was speaking with understand and eventually i gave a talk and my dear president at the time a very dear friend of mine all of a sudden bruce eisenman said you must write a book now imagine they went to a a yeshiva torah over there they never taught us how to write or how to talk but eventually after many years the book came out and barack hussein i know it's a therapist a couple of her one specific therapist that told me one of her kids gave her my book she says he doesn't read books from rabbis at large every rabbit thinks he's an expert but it was shabby she was born she opened the book and she said after she read it she now recommends it to her to her clients in therapy so i'm going to try to bring it down to a couple of minutes give you the crux the main thing and the point really of my book is here to answer one simple question a sign that i have the shadows we all know that when you get married there are certain mitzvahs a man has three minutes parish says in paris the rambam mentions this that applies to all all marriages production and terror speaks about so the question i have for you is what is the mitzvah medisa that a woman has to do for her husband we know what a husband has to do for his wife he has to say he has to make sure she has food she has clothes the rambam had shelter and relationships what does a wife have to do for her husband so i asked this asset tonight i asked the rashishiva that did the wedding and many other people and the answer is in the rambam you don't see any key of the horizon a woman has to for what a woman has to do for her i think i saw one opinion that the missionary subis i'm not going to get into it now is there i said but almost everyone agrees there's nothing that a woman has to do no mitzvah when you get married that our wife has to do for her and the question is why i'd like to add one more question everyone knows the famous question on the pastor connect it's not good man is alone i'll give him a helper against the famous question rashi asks why is it azer connected why is it against but the question i would like to add is why does it say it's not good for men to be alone you can ask many men out there that have bad relationships they might say it's better enough to be alone so how does the traitor taylor simon say a sweeping statement it's not good now if i if i forget to answer the question i hope someone remembers at the end i'll try to answer so i'm going to get to you my main thought of the book which basically is that i realize that marriage can't work by nature marriage cannot work in the different speeches that you had over the year over the last few years can get real you hear people saying we're opposites we're different but i'm going to try to convince you in the last next five minutes that every marriage is doomed to fail now you might ask me why would a rabbi try to convince anyone that marriage will fail and i usually tell hasn't called my in my office before they get married i'm going to try to convince you your marriage won't work do you think i can accomplish it the ones that say yes i get really worried okay they're really in trouble now why do i want to convince anyone marriage won't work because i believe the greatest problem is people think marriage will work it always works naturally it will it works my parents had a good marriage my grandparents and if we understand why it doesn't work then you can make it work so that's the objective i hope in the next five minutes i can convince owen so the point is basically as follows in life people look for one thing and if any of you can answer the question you'll probably say people look to be happy what i'm going to say i just want to make a clarify is a generalization there are exceptions to this rule but this is the yiddish jewish perspective so people want to be happy to be happy all you need is one thing what do you think that is the answer to that question is all we need for our happiness some people say peace of mind someone says you described many beautiful answers the one real psychological answer is a healthy self-esteem now we as abs religious jews we believe that yiddish guide will give you a good self-esteem other people say no we'll give you a good self-esteem other people look for other things but the common denominators that saddam is a person is happy with themselves that's happiness people look for different things but the you study if you're happy with who you are with what you have you're going to be happy now here comes the very interesting part by nature men's self-esteem and women's self-esteem come from different areas i try to bring it down to three specific points men's self-esteem is connected to three words with the letter p and women's self-esteem are connected to three words with the letter a can you think about it what does a man need does he look for every day that builds on his self-esteem with the letter p so most people go to work you go to work what do you want what do you want to accomplish what do you want to achieve want to be successful some people want to make money what does the money give you and if you're not a business person maybe you're in the youtube you're in the coil what do you want to do in kailua you're learning tighter the sheba or maybe you want to learn and be appreciated and understand deeper and people say wow this guy knows his stuff so to bring it down in simple words we look for prestige power and pleasure yes it's true as a sincere jew who works with his midis that's not a good way to live our life we need to overcome that we need to think about humility or if you want to call it um speaks about the three qualities that's a beautiful way of living but what's the nature of our beast what's the nature of our animal so if you look at look into it with a little analysis you'll be able to see that men look for prestige power and pleasure women on the other hand look for through other things with the letter a most people will say they look to feel appreciated to fill up we'll call it affection a for affection and affection includes many things affectionism attention acknowledgement admiration second a a woman needs is her appearance her appearance is part of her self-esteem and finally a sense of accomplishment by the way we have a very very big machine in the title for this when it speaks about the the passage says a man should not wear the clothes of a woman a woman should not use the armament of a man the mission explains a man should not think about his appearance and women should not think about strength armament so we see already in the torah a certain specific difference men into power women into appearance so this is the main point understanding how we're so different a couple of examples to bring out this point a little bit better after supper obviously when you have a bunch of kids you have to put into bed or do homework with them but if you remember a moment before you had a bunch of kids what does a man like to do after he eats after something most men will try to do something that will give them some type of entertainment whether you're gonna look in at the yeshiva world or col or you're gonna open up a gemara or you're gonna do something else something that's gonna give you a sense of pleasure that's what men look to do and most women i ask the question what would you like to do after dinner 99.9 have said we would like to talk so why is it that a man is looking for entertainment and a woman is looking to talk so the the site of today's class is going to be the ps and the ace i'm going to try to help you see how everything is connected a man is looking for pleasure and a woman is looking for attention talking for a woman is a way of connecting another example imagine if a man for his birthday got a bouquet of flowers what would he do what do you think so a waste of money in two days they're gonna die why would she waste money but if a husband sent his white flowers how would that sound does a woman get excited when she gets flowers unless she's allergic to them the answer is yes can anyone explain the difference why is this flowers work for a woman and it doesn't work for a man and the answer is men are looking for peas prestige power and pleasure none of those elements are fulfilled by a bouquet of flowers on the other hand when a woman gets flowers she feels loved affection that's very special and the same thing applies the third example is words of affection ask yourself a sincere question do men need to hear that they're loved as much as their spouses their wives need to hear it many women think yes many men know the answer is no say the story about this husband the night of his wedding tells his wife i love you very much and unless those feelings change i don't plan on repeating those words when i stop loving you i'll tell you now that's so insensitive but from the man's brain it makes a lot of sense if we're married obviously we must love each other and we stop loving each other we'll we'll finish if you tell that to a woman she'll say you're crazy it's obvious that you need to hear words of affection why why is it so obvious because the woman is connected to the three a's that's her self-esteem and if she doesn't hear it and it's not reforced reinforced it's a problem now by the way men need to hear words also but different words tell a man wow you're so smart how did you do how do you figure that out you're a genius that is great now you're talking because because because you build up his peace he feels prestige my wife thinks so highly that's great so basically that's in simple words the difference between men and women to give you another source in yiddish guide after admin what is hashem the election you will desire your spouse by the way rashi has a different one explanation but the emme camel says very clearly that a woman needs affection constant affection and to wrap it up here's the problem when a man is looking for his peace for his needs for his happiness his prestige his power and pleasure where is his wife she feels that she's not part of his world so she's chasing looking for her affection but as long as he's focused on his needs she's feeling event what does a wife do when she feels abandoned when she doesn't feel she's getting her needs when her self-esteem starts going down we know what happens she starts getting anxious she starts getting stressed maybe getting a little depressed and who's at fault her husband so what does she do she lashes out whether it's directly or indirect she starts complaining about maybe because she's just upset how is her how does her husband take it say what's wrong with you and she won't say you know i don't think you love me because he's going to say you're crazy go thea steal your therapist i slave away every day go to work i get up for the next minion to get on time to davin to work all day to support the family and you say i don't love you are you serious so she doesn't even feel she can say her feelings because he's not understanding so here's the nakuda the bottom line marriage by nature as long as we look for our nature men looking for their peace women looking for their a's they're drifting apart eventually that creates all the problems if we understand it and when men can start understand their wife's needs and women their husbands needs we can start working with this and i'd like to end off this thought with give this talk around florida a couple of years ago the rabbi who was married 45 years says you know everything you said applies to my marriage and he's giving marriage counseling and he's helping others but sometimes you don't even see the essential issues that we have so that was this would be my opener i think if people would focus and understand these differences we say you diaz the reason we over and over get into the same problem i remember when i got married said to myself what is this can we have we both have similar needs right we both need to eat we both need to sleep we both need to rest we both need to work we must be the same and over time i started understanding these differences not understanding the differences is doomed you're so smart very good very good very good i'm already learning you see um the opening was beautiful okay we have a lot of questions that came in again everybody's here tonight if anybody wants to ask live questions goes first please text this usher partners me with the camera and then there's another usher partner's questions text usher partners questions the question and uh machem will put you online to ask the blog of course goes first presidential tour byron lane over here from panama city he wants to answer questions we want to really understand it the the a's and the ps and the season of these we want to get it all we want to declare with it and uh let's do that before we start we uh let's uh let's take a poll and uh then we'll get into the questions okay everyone here we go this is just two very basic questions we want to see what people are gonna answer just to stimulate the conversation first question is who do you feel is more connected in a marriage relationship a men b woman overall both so again the question is who's more connected who's the one that's more into the connection is it the men is it the woman or overall both second question is the the issues in your marriage today are listen to the question very interesting question totally different from when you first got married when you first got married whatever the issues were that was then now you're married who knows how many years it's different issues no the same problems we had from day one is the same issues that we have adrian 5 10 20 30 40 50 60 75 years later and options c both old problems and now the new problems as the years went on to answer those two questions i know these are very broad and i know it's very all over the place but we want to bring out some points and see what the elements is new rabbit lanes good good questions excellent okay i don't can't see the answers yet we're going to share it you can see it no problem no problem i'm not spilling the beans don't fill the beans don't spill the beans okay five seconds five four three two [Music] no one okay almost everybody voted here we go let's share it every lane you ready who do you feel is more connected in the marriage relationship you ready four percent of people feel men 71 percent feel woman and 26 percent are making up sheriff simon inside women no rabbi what's what's going on explain that to me very good it's excellent it's that's what we spoke about the peace and the eighth if a man needs his prestige power and pleasure there's no there's a very there's a lack of connection there's a lack of connecting to others it's very selfish a woman needs affection she needs to fill up so she knows how to give love that's the nature of the relationship women by nature are are always giving affection because they need affection they understand affection you know the guy tells his wife you know i'm so hungry she goes oh finally i have a feeling you know men have a hard time to express their feelings how many men can really be vulnerable men are very closed up so this is a this statistic brings out the point very clearly okay now the second question the issues in your marriage today are 25 people said totally different when they get married 31 percent 31 percent of people say the problems is the same problem you have from day one those the same issues that keep on happening and 44 feel it's both it's a mixture of the old and the new i believe comment on that i don't know your crowd it's a very interesting crowd so i believe so what happens is when you speak about the beginning there's a lot of issues that the first year of marriage we're not even aware of okay because everything is lovey-dovey at the first year of marriage really not since it's so exciting we're not we're not seeing the negative of our spouse so therefore many people are going to say things are very different at the same time there might be some people that are haven't changed at the beginning of their relationship things weren't working out and they really never dealt with it and obviously like you said overall book both you have you have kids you have new issues that come up but i honestly believe that maybe if these questions was worth a little bit differently the main issue that i think we all have is that women are don't feel the connection that they would like no i remember years ago i i dawned upon me that all the people that came from my office the women were saying the marriage is not so good the men were saying we have a great marriage you know the story the woman a woman tells her friend when my my husband says he has a great marriage i always wonder to whom is he married and it's a very fascinating thing that how do we eval the number we give to our relationship what how do i think i'm doing what i found most women think their marriage is not as good as their husbands because their needs of emotional intimacy is not fulfilled as much as the husbands need in relationship okay elaine just before we get into questions i have a few live ones and we have a bunch of questions that came in just as i was asking please slowly repeat that everybody can write it down the three p's and the three a's what's the three p's okay so men look for prestige power and pleasure okay another woman those are the three things that they look for now a woman might look for pleasure also but those are the three things that build their self-esteem okay a woman for her self-esteem she needs to feel loved which we're going to call affection part of affection is attention and many other details but the main point is affection a woman needs for her self-esteem to feel good about her appearance and a woman needs a sense of accomplishment to clarify that word in the olden days marriage was your sense of accomplishment you didn't need anything besides that the terror says a man has to give his wife right food garments and rel intimacy which basically if you think about it there is giving her affection that's intimacy giving her her appearance giving her clothes and her sense of accomplishment was marriage that was the greatest thing today which we have a different world a little bit evolved women have jobs some have careers regardless a woman needs to feel accomplished something special whether it's her motherhood being a balabasa whatever it is she has to feel a sense of a culture okay beautiful okay let's start off with a few questions that came in to get it going and metro will go they'll jump to the live okay let's start with the first basic question the divorce rate seems very high these days a few of my friends already separated some of them are the worst it seems like marriages are so hard and almost meant to fail what does the rabbi think about what's going on in today's day and age okay there's a joke i'd like to say some people think it's too it's too harsh but it's just a joke guys you know the old couple comes to the rabbi he's 90 the rabbit says i'm going to help you and go we're going to get divorced i just want to get divorced how old are you he said i'm 95 and your wife 90. the rabbit says what are you waiting how long are you fighting for 75 years so the rabbi says so what are you waiting what were you waiting for we're waiting for the kids to die so basically in the olden days we knew you got married and that's it many of our grandparents and great-grandparents their marriage wasn't uh was perfect for us for therapy okay but it wasn't an issue you got married it wasn't important who you married you got married you saw that one time invited your friend so the commitment to marriage commitment not to affect our kids besides the other elements there wasn't a taboo women had less independence all these elements together obviously made a makes a big difference to before and now from a spiritual perspective the rebel writes that because from a shirt because that's why the sutton works harder that we should have sinners even in marriage but the good news is uh sure that if you read the book gps for a happier marriage and understand what's the reason that's not working it's a whole different level it's like instead of taking tylenol try to understand why you have headaches maybe you don't maybe you need to have glasses okay and the towel is not fixing your problem so what happens is most marriages don't get the point i'm sure some people on your in your audience heard of a book men are from mars women are from venus famous books he sold 60 million copies i'm almost i'm almost there okay but these people don't get they just say there's differences between men and women and i want people to understand why what are those differences and if you understand it on the level your self-esteem the whole thing changes because now it's not like oh again and again no if you understood why he or she is reacting this way we stop taking it personally and that's and that's a game changer okay murray dick revelli okay let's go to the first live question and uh you're on okay so i i know this couple who's for a long time and they're having you can tell it's obvious michelle and bia's problem so i went over to them and i said oh i i i was wondering if i could help you maybe maybe you want to talk to somebody they got very angry and for the next six years they didn't talk to me and i wanted to help so okay after six years we we uh we figured it out and i you know i i didn't say anything and now we're friendly but i still see that there's a problem and it hurts me to the core is there anything i could do or should just stay away i think they gave me the answer six years ago [Laughter] unfortunately first of all first of all great it says uh oh you've shot him ready to shot him that's heavy metabolism right it's also just like it's important to say something will be listened to it's important not to refrain when you know they're not going to listen so in this situation where they clearly told you bug off um i think you have to leave it to them what is nice you could obviously say if you're in a better relationship i was i saw this get real wonderful episode uh rabbi lane i think every single couple in lakewood should see it i i think you'd enjoy it i'm getting this book now you can say if you want somebody texted me anonymously send them a copy of gps no but now they're gonna know it's it's her friend i think all you can do is say if you need i'm available and that's it it's their choice now this is another interesting question that came in um see i tell my husband something that's important for me and he tells me sure he'll do it he'll take care of it but almost every time he doesn't do it why is it so hard for my husband to understand what i need and why do i have to tell him a hundred times well it sounds like my wife did she write in the question the old school school came from the same email address wife of rabbi padam i don't know no i was it's a very interesting thing but let me ask you a question whoever wrote that question how many times do we decide to do something and we just can't get it done how many times i'm going to start doing exercise i'm going to start walking every day you know this week i'm going to start my diet maybe this week i'm not going to get in my kids are going to spill the milk they're going to make havoc i'm not going to eat and what happens why do we once again fall into the problem you know the answer because there's some stuff that's just naturally aggravating it's hard to control yourself if you have a hard time with your diet it's hard to start going on a treadmill and it's hard to control our anger sometimes so i think it's important to be able to identify that if my spouse is not reacting to what i'm saying what can i do differently it doesn't mean that they don't love me it doesn't mean they don't care about me it does mean that it's not their nature you know honor personally i am very forgetful i remember the beginning of my marriage even till today my wife and half call me up and say can you get me something from from the show bring me a book bring me a safer bring me some and i would hang up the phone my mind would get involved with something after i forget this would happen repetitive times to my muscle my wife is relaxed and she would remind me again and again and eventually i started figuring out new ways i would put the book on my table and then forget it on the table then i put my keys the car keys on top of the book eventually it started getting better but the point was it's not like i was trying to ignore her request and the same thing applies to everyone if you're asking your husband something to stop smoking for instance or whatever it is it might be very difficult and probably what happens after this third time you asked him or the fourth time now you're really not asking him you're really like you know breathing down his throat or making him feel uncomfortable now there are certain things that are easier to change and other things that are more difficult to change ask coach menachem should i try to change my spouse that's a separate session and obviously it doesn't work and i think one of the uh if i remember hearing one of the speeches of one of the therapists said don't change your spouse it's not going to work you're going to frustrate them you're going to frustrate yourself but at the same time if it's something you really need it's really about learning how to sit down and having the conversation and talking about it in a nice way the art of communication the third part of the book speaks a lot about that detail and it's something very valuable very important it's like let's take an example someone that's color blind right if you're colorblind and someone wants to explain to that person the color green how would you do that well it's not black it's not red but what is it so there's some things about our personality which is colorblind and when you you just tell me do a b and c because you're organized you expect me to be organized because you're not forgetful i should be not forgetful etc it doesn't always work so if you're saying it a hundred times i congratulate you kamara says this someone who learns tata a hundred times is loyal that's a big accomplishment so with patience like you know a lot of people tell me you know my husband he's like one of my kids how many times i have to say it over and what do you do with your kids you say it again patiently and again and the merchant said one day it hasn't it's impact there's no one thing that's for sure if you have a normal marriage your husband or your wife is not out to get you and if they're not reacting don't get frustrated that's not gonna help figure out a new ticket i'm gonna i'm gonna push it further what if they tried already we discussed it and it's not working it's like the woman who called up her friend after six days she suggested that you get uh some marriage help hey in every marriage there's a certain point where you have to say this is not going to change uh again if it's unhealthy if it's dangerous if it's other stuff you have to speak here or to another therapist but there's some things that's like you know just leave it alone we all have areas you know before we get married we realize that we're imperfect okay everyone's imperfect but when we get married we want to perfect our spouse they have to become perfect how perfect as perfect as i am i stopped seeing my histories i just see your concerns the friday caribbean when you're as a child once asked his father why is that we have two one we have two eyes one knows one mouth white two eyes and the free and his father that rebel hashab said the right eye is to see the good in others and the left is to see look at a candy or to look at your your imperfections with your right eye see the good of someone else why do we have to look with our strong eye the bad of our spouse look at only the good and that's the bottom line from marriage to work we have to stop seeing the negative again unless it's it's unbearable it needs to be dealt with there's a gambling problem there's an addiction problem obviously there's exceptions to the rule but in many areas someone just gets stubborn about something and and it's not going to make a difference so in spanish we say take a tranquil tata fill which is a tranquilizer and move on so you're saying it doesn't have to be um they're doing half and half in the house it doesn't have to be they're doing things together and if somebody feels they're doing more than the other it's it's possible that one does more than other we always do more than our spouse okay every spouse thinks they're doing more generally there's exceptions because what you do for me it's feel it doesn't feel so hard what i do for you it's such a sacrifice remember you asked your kid you asked your kid to do something small thing he doesn't want it takes an hour to get it done and he thinks i worked so hard for chavez i said the i put six cups what we don't like to do and we do it for our spouse we feel like an ibra 11 it's unbelievable but all the 10 things that they did for us it feels natural so ultimately we all feel that we do much more and in a normal marriage in a normal relationship we need to work on it yes many people don't have functioning relationships for whatever reason and that's part of the reasons they're they're on get real or they're reading books and they're listening to experts and it's okay and it's normal because no one teaches us how to get married there's no course very good course of helpless understanding to get married and i think it's important today i think it's you have it more than before but to understand the differences well you know in the book it says the things they should have told me that's not the cover you know some things no one told us and if we knew them we understood them we would have a better perspective and an easier time okay live question you're on okay basically um and we have a great marriage um i just wanted to ask um my husband doesn't have a particular strength that i would like him to have for example problem solving skills um and it always um makes me look down at him in a certain way like it gets me frustrated and whatever my question is how can i still um have that big respect and give him that admiration that he needs even if i know that he's lacking this skill and it bothers me um but i do know i do constantly look at the positive that he has and we i praise him and um it's just this you know let's say these particular things that that's that's a great question so i'm gonna i'm gonna guess and i don't know you that you have some uh masculine skills that you're able to get stuff done and you have a different personality and he has more maybe feminine skills and it's it's tough those are different different difficult relationships but i see that you're on the right path uh you're it's normal to get frustrated once in a while you marry the guy i'm not sure how long you're married hashem he's doing certain things i guess he's either he's incredible or he's working he's supporting the family what you need to do in my public opinion is only focus on the things you're happy about if something happened you know to one of our spouses they got into an accident and uh there's certain things they're not capable of doing anymore what do we do we just ignore that and again this is easy for murder for me to say but if you want to have a happy marriage it's if you're able to take your your your focus and just look at the good in your heart because every time you look at other things you feel you're lacking but ultimately you know as religious jews we believe this is part of our mission hashem gives us the husband or wife that we need and it's not just about marriage being successful having a good life it's about helping us fulfill our mission in the world now for some reason hashem chose this husband for you to make you a stronger person or to teach you how to overcome that say hashem thank you i'm going to do the best i can yeah and while you're saying it it's remind it's it's it's reminding me it makes me think that um it might be underlying it might be triggering an underlying let's say feeling that i might have like a fear or something and and that's really what's what's bothering me not necessarily the the lack that he has okay excellent you should be on the program next very good identifying the real issue it's very important because we all have some issues we have some hidden traumas as rabbi jj always speaks about why why speaks about it that's a good idea so identifying that would definitely bring me to working on myself which is like munna and stuff like that so yeah thank you hundred percent that's right the very good example of not everyone can be vulnerable with their spouse not always can you open up it's it might be better if she speaks with you if you speak to somebody who can help you and not go over these thousands say this bothers me because at the end of the day it is um something that you want your stuff to change so if there are triggers there so if you find the third party it makes it easier but i think this is a very good example for many people many issues in marriage basically they have one thing they want their spouse to change that's it they wish all they are asking is if they can change that one thing so what you're saying is really it's this is a lot of acceptance which can be hard you know like you mentioned an accident but he wasn't in an accident so there's a lot of acceptance of realizing who the person is finding the positives and then eventually to love what is with with the with the lack and the i know it's work but this can answer a lot of people's questions i'd like to add one thing which i find very valuable you know if i spoke about the peace and the a's i mentioned before generally men are usually the the go-getters prestige power and pleasure the hebso speaks about the man the conqueror right the woman taking care of the home and this usually has a positive the wife can admire her husband he's this real go-getter he's a tough guy now there are relationships that i've seen which are just the opposite and very difficult like what you're describing to me now my husband is not the go-getter he's like the quieter one and i'm like the go-getter and sometimes i want him to be the go-getter so i just want to remind you that usually the marriages with a husband is the real tough one usually you have someone you could admire but at a certain point it starts working against you because these strong personalities aren't usually so sensitive and so affectionate the other marriages where the husband is not such a go-getter they're usually very nice and they're very sensitive and they're and they're personal so that's also a very big huge thing in marriage so maybe you're not getting the first part which you always want to look up to this husband but you're getting the second part which is very valuable and then focusing on that i think would also be very helpful beautiful evelyn okay we have a bunch of live questions okay um you're on okay so i know a bunch of people that have this question and um i'm wondering how one can deal with a husband who doesn't have the best hygiene oh wow okay so really let's let's speak about in general whether it's hygiene or anything else we need to learn how to have communication okay which means what i feel happens usually a husband and a wife they talk about issues when they're upset so if i come my husband has a lack of hygiene and i'm going to sit down and talk to him he's not going to hear anything about hygiene he's going to hear that i am very upset with him and i can't believe how how he doesn't brush his teeth or he doesn't take a shower every day how does he do it so usually what our spouses are hearing is full rejection and not a conversation and this applies in all areas i'll give you the example that i like to use men usually drive wilder or more irresponsible than their wives would like what does a woman usually do in the car she says moy says go watch out moist relax and what does the husband usually respond what does my say no i'm driving ready since i'm 16. you know next time you're gonna drive watch what's happening here and what happens if five minutes later the six-year-old from the back seat says tati could you slow down do you think the father will turn around and lash out at his son what's the difference so the answer is very simple what a woman is telling her husband you know i'm he's trying to tell him i'm scared you know the way you took that corner the way you cut up the guy i'm really scared but what's he hearing he's hearing a criticism she's complaining she's saying you're irresponsible you're gonna put our life in danger that's what he's hearing when his son says it the six-year-old what is he here the kid's pedro and that's what happens most of the times in our conversations we don't know how to have a conversation because when we sit down to talk there's a certain stress our spouse is feeling criticized already either it's our body language or the tone of voice or the rejection and that doesn't go anywhere we have never been able to fix a problem and that's why we've had many conversations and when we were happy you know like nothing was wrong nothing was uh you know like just bringing it up when it's you know when it's a happy time not just bringing it up when you know i'm upset about it and what does your husband say what does he say he's like yeah i told i totally understand thank you for telling me and then he doesn't do it okay so let's let's go a step further why do you think he's not doing it do you think he's doing it in spite or because he has a natural let's call him not used to it he's having someone who cares about him maybe he cares about him or he doesn't want to feel controlled but i but i'm hearing you tell you you're saying that he's he's agreeing with you but there's something that tells me that he's he i'm not gonna say lazy but he has this area makes him feel lazy he doesn't feel it's so important so although his wife said it's important when he went back after three days his his uh original drive just brought him back out of it so so what i would recommend if you had a good conversation that was a positive conversation and worked for two days okay now we start but we do with our kids positive reinforcement and after four days of stop you say you know hey moisture i have to tell you thank you so much i really appreciate i know it's hard for you i know you don't understand enough but it's so important for me and then if after week you stopped again you sit down and say with the same smile so much i really love you so much and and i know you don't mean to hurt me and nothing's not against me but what happens at a certain point you obviously start feeling that he doesn't love you he doesn't care about you he doesn't have purpose etc etc so i think there is no going back to our first thing i said it a hundred times for some reason there's some chip in your husband's brain that is just not working and it's like someone has to go read through rehabilitation and how many months do they have to learn to move that arm and it's with re reinforcement and encouragement and that that's the game there's nothing else that's going to work pressure is not going to work getting upset is not going to work it's really helping him understand that you're accepting him you love him but this is so important he's not really getting how important it is or for some reason he has some type of issue and i'm not sure what it is from that has that makes it very hard for them to do whatever you're expecting okay thank you good luck let's go let's go to the next question you're on hi okay first of all i just wanted to thank you for the intro it was really clear and powerful i'm huge i mean lots of meter hold on i'm mute again because you beat yourself hello hi can you hear me now yeah yeah okay now continue all right sorry okay first i just wanted to thank you for the for the intro it was very nice thing i appreciate it um i you know you were talking on this before um when you were saying that you sometimes get forgetful so i have i guess the opposite my husband will ask me to do something take care of something and i forget and he'll get upset you know he'll say you know if it's important enough to you then you should remember about it so he feels like i guess this will you know dampen his three p's right that it it's not a i guess he feels like i'm not caring enough about him but obviously it's not that i just you know bark and i have a busy home and i'm busy and you know we're both working and it's i just get forgetful and these things happen so how can i make him understand that it's not that i don't care about him i just i have a great simple idea buy the book and read it with him he doesn't do that yeah how about the audiobook okay i have a simpler idea get the book you read it underline the 12 or 15 or 20 lines that you think are important for them another idea when things are good when things are happening no i usually i mean i i guess you're married a couple of years already but i think one of the most valuable tips i give to couples that are getting married and sometimes maybe it should happen for people that are married 20 years is to sit down weekly and talk about your relationship so how's it going no i'm really i'm really happy your dinners are hot i but i would like to request have a wish list what's my request maybe you could make a different menu you know already 30 we're married 20 years every monday we have the same food maybe we can change the menu okay and also the how whenever i come home the kids are did their homework whatever speaking about the marriage and being able to share something nice one of your wishlists and something nice is such a very positive way because like i mentioned the woman before what usually happens is the conversations when you forget something else he's getting upset again he says in a nice way and you're feeling frustrated and he's not you're not feeling appreciated and you're feeling rejected hey you need to like the other thing is rabbi schaefer shafir i mentioned do your weekly date or every two weeks and sit down and talk about everything and let him understand how much you care about him and let him understand that you have issues that's not against him it's not against anything you have a part of your brain that's a little bit broken and he and you need a little more uh he needs to cut you some more slack that weekly meeting i think is very very important because especially the first couple years in the first year you can tell your spouse 50 things that usually will come out in the worst way if you're not paying it in a as part of your wish list it usually comes out when you're upset and you know what you did or what you didn't do that's really uh very important right okay and i think and i had another question also um i know this person right before me touched on it also when you have something like um about your spouse that really really bothers you it's hard to live with right i know you always say like a thing you can't change your spouse but if it's something that is very hard to live with it's not dangerous it's not like that it's just it's just uncomfortable or it's just not happy or whatever it is how do you do that so again this is about the relationship the conversation you need what happens unfortunately in most of our homes especially a bunch of kids no we we forget about the relationship and marriage has to come to a point where my spouse is my best friend and we can talk about things but usually it doesn't happen for whatever reason and that's where you really need to focus you need to get back to the point where finding that time that's what all the other speakers spoke about finding that time that you can share and become friends and you know i wasn't in here last year last week's speech but the vulnerability saying you know my whole life is about you and the family and there's i have some needs and and i really would appreciate if you can help now what's the specific thing again if for i'm not sure why he's not changing it is he feeling controlled is this it's is his pacifier i don't know but if it's very important to you trying to convince him a las malas as we say in spanish no forcefully is never going to work it's trying again with all the sweetness that you can give him and at the same time understanding if regardless of this he's not changing it you have to at some point accept am i going to fight about it and ruin our marriage or am i going to realize he has uh some type of broken chip like just like you said you have an issue of remembering stuff for some reason he has the issue i'm not sure what it is and that might be holding him back and i'm not sure what's holding him back because human beings normal people in normal relationship would say hey your wife asking this what's the big deal then again you have people that know they have to make sure they come home friday shabbat their shop is at 1 30. or he has to go out twice a week to play whatever he does and the wife says no this is the time i need and he says no this is how i and there's just learning communication and learning how to come to an agreement some people have a concept which no i'm the husband and you're my wife isn't it and that's uh the good old style machista and then i said at st milo you should listen to me and there are some people that are brought up with that and they believe it as a as a what's the word a mantra that's that's what they that's a principle there and that's a bigger problem then you need to speak to israel when you speak to his rabbis because then it's like princip and when it's against my principles so there's many other elements that need to be dealt with to see how to address your specific issues okay revelation you ready ready or not okay you're on hi so much for tonight um first of all i apologize if i have a funny picture on i don't know if it's on or not um but i have a question i just wanted to know um i know that you know you have this program there are other marriage programs and things like that when does a person um recognize or know the signs that they're in a toxic relationship and it's abusive and such a program is not or or is such a program helpful for something like that um and or they need out you know what i mean like how when does a person know that their marriage is toxic and abusive and they just need a they need a divorce and these programs are not you know right so so the answer is i really can't answer that question obviously over a zoom talk um i think you really need to reach out to a professional a coach a therapist and and talk this out because there's many issues and details you need to mention that i don't think you should mention on this forum um if you're asking the question that means it's a serious problem and you should definitely get some help i deeply believe people who are on people who are on here tonight some of them don't know that they're in an abusive toxic relationship and they're thinking oh maybe i should just you know learn to ignore this or learn to ignore that when maybe their partner is really abusive so you know how does one know that they should go about following this program or this is a toxic situation not just for me for everybody really excellent that's like that's a great great question what would be the red flags okay well let's start um physical abuse is a red flag okay constant emotional abuse always putting me down what's the criteria oh okay yeah always putting me down screaming anger out the um outbursts oh these are these are red flags okay if once in a while we have a disagreement i would say a regular couple can have a disagreement uh once every couple days maybe a small fight once a week once every two weeks i mean it's possible okay everyone's different it depends how much you work on your relationship but like i said if there's substance abuse physical aggression emotion constant emotional aggression um where a wife feels that she's a schmutz she doesn't feel loved anywhere besides when they go to the mikvah she needs serious help and she should reach out if someone if someone is not sure then obviously this program will not be able to help them they should reach out to a one-on-one somebody that they can discuss it with just by sitting over here and listening might give them the insight but if you're not sure find someone you can discuss it and there is a program out there shaolin task force you can always ask tell them your situation and they will clarify they will tell you where you are thank you okay grab it let's let's let's have another one then we have a lot more i want to cover tonight okay you're on okay thanks so um i just wanted to know if um a spouse is done like a dating app and then they finally say that they're ready to go to therapy but they're not like responsible they feel like it's still the the wife's fault and everything um what's the best way to go about that like what like i don't know like i had a different kind of question but i'm just trying to like figure out like that that's a great question so i'm sorry did you finish the question oh sorry sorry no just i went to ask somebody like like do people ever get over this and like they were just saying to me like this is actually so common in the community like men are on all kinds of dating apps these days married men and like this is just like i felt like okay i'm not the only one what do people do when there's such a mistrust and you want to have a beautiful marriage and like bring the kedusha back in and like maybe it's this person's you know one of the p's that they're like i don't know going off with i don't know okay so if i understood you said that he's not a dating app is that what i heard yeah you need to call us a professional okay uh basically obviously let's let's let's uh backtrack a second unfortunately the the world and especially the religious world has been seriously affected by this uh uga sahara which is called the internet and the smartphones etc etc and there are big challenges and i would say i would have to say that maybe in the past such a thing would be zero tolerance but today the temptation is so huge i don't think it can be zero it should be zero tolerance anymore but it's definitely something that needs to be dealt with and this is something that no if you if obviously you know he's involved and he's not yet accepting to go to therapy is because obviously he has a big yet sahara and you need to insist that you go to therapy and obviously in a therapy or therapist will help him and there's other programs he has to go on but i'm gonna i'm gonna also feel or suggest that your relationship has gone downhill and unfortunately what he should be receiving in his home he's not receiving and not because of course it's your fault but because how the dynamics happen and part of what happens is like i said at the beginning i'm not sure if you heard the intro since we're so different men are in different worlds if we don't start working at the marriage at the beginning it's so much easier to get involved with something outside because marriage requires effort it's like you know dog the dog is man's best friend of course you have to do anything he's always there he's in a wagonless tail he's gonna bark and he's gonna lick you fine that's not what marriage is marriage is effort and therefore it's very easy in a relationship which hasn't been perfect or very well and has been with some problems that every relationship will happen especially if you don't understand the peace and the aids it's doomed to have issues so one of the results is people start moving into other things and for as of now he doesn't understand what he's losing um like over the couple over the years that this has deteriorated now you have to we have to come back and recreate this relationship recreate a passionate relationship to give them the strength more strength to be able to stay away from other things that's that's that's tempting hey okay ruby land powerful um a lot more questions okay let's try to cover some more ground over here um it's a man's question you ready somebody somebody texted amen more into the remember the poll men or women are born to the connection of marriage so somebody texted back it looks like there's mostly a woman here tonight [Laughter] so you should see from the zuma hurraya okay this is a man question i want to ask about a common problem i'm assuming a lot of men can relate to i run a larger business where work hours are all the time and there are times when i come home in the middle of a call although i acknowledge my wife's presence she gets quite upset i don't get it what's the big deal why is she taking it so personal like i'm trying to hurt her when i'm doing this so i can make partnerships for the entire family so i can pay for things that's a great question very common i remember when it happened to me after i got my phone and let's go backtrack second to our ps and the eights what is the greatest joy of a wife of a woman what's her greatest self-esteem when she feels loved by her spouse after a whole day that your husband is her husband isn't off it's working and she's also probably working when she when he comes home and she's there her greatest joy is to feel that he's happy to see her as much as she is happy to see him so when he walks into the hope speaking on the phone fur it's not about there's a phone further than me for her this means that he really is not so excited to see he's more interested to be on the phone and of course it could be our exception to the rule and there's an emergency but overall this is happening constantly because he can't appreciate how important it's for his wife when he comes home and she wants to feel that's how important is for him when he comes home but unfortunately because he's connected why are difficult he's not connected to the sufficient he doesn't see the point she says what are you hacking to china what's the big deal on the phone i said oh no what's the big deal the big deal is because for her that emotional connection at least when you just came home that you're interested in looking at me in the eyes and that i'm part of your life that's really and i'm your priority which is actually the most important word i'm your priority that doesn't happen when you walk into the room into the house the house your phone so make sure hang up the phone before you get in even if it takes you five minutes to get into the house tell the guy get a call back and that moment is a very important you're saying open communication powerful you meant by open communication i'm not sure even let them know let them know you should listen to this program let them know what you need and hopefully he listens great so like you just mentioned most women expect their husbands to know what they're thinking but for it never happens and why do they expect them again because what they feel they think he feels because we cannot we only project to others what we live through and that's the greatest challenge of marriage because what my spouse is living through that's not what i'm living we're in two different worlds some we don't understand we just can't understand and the whole challenge of marriage is being able to understand my spouse's perspective if she doesn't or he doesn't explain it it's gonna be much more difficult i think people just got married or they're in the beginning it might be a little bit easier the question is people who are married for many years um another interesting question that came in that somebody they try to put away time after they put the kids to sleep to to talk she wants to talk to her husband so i guess he he's there but he doesn't look it doesn't seem to be engaged not really interested and it makes her question their relationship trying to figure out is maybe something missing or that's a great question so what happens is let's take an example example of talking okay for a woman to talk to her spouse means to have him listening active listening or responding means there's a relationship going on men don't see the value of speaking to their spouse as part of building their relationship i like to say the story of this couple the wife after supper tells her husband no he would like to talk and he says talk we just spoke and she says what and he replies and suffer you asked me how my day was and i said hashem okay then i asked you how your day was and you started in the morning the alarm didn't go off it was hard to get the kids up to school and then the bus came late and then your mother called ah he had such a big problem then he went just to work but he went to the whatever he spoke for 10 minutes so the wife says oh you're right you're right i'm trying to say i want to spend time with you oh you want to spend time with me come let's go look at what's nice let's come we'll learn something he says no no i want to talk and again he says you see you're going in circles you said you wanted to talk i told you we spoke he said you want to spend time with him invite you to do what i want what i'm going to do now so what's happening here is a very fascinating thing for a woman to talk to her husband and him to listen that's a connection and a woman needs that oxygen for her feelings of affection but since he does not need it that's not what he needs so he can't understand why she insists that it's important he says you want to spend time come do what i'm doing what she's really saying i want to feel that we're connecting that's what she's saying but he's not getting it because prestige power and pleasure is nothing with conversation and that's a great challenge so finally she says he wants to speak and unfortunately he's not interested enough so that's why i tell guys this your wife needs to speak do admit she needs to speak now if you're really not so excited you're tired get a coffee i'm not sure if you if you vape i'm not sure if you take whiskey make sure you're doing something that makes you look awake okay because it's not gonna work if she's talking and you're snoring okay make sure you're doing something no i once heard rabbi friedman says be kind be kind your wife needs this be kinder and that's what it really is giving your wife time making her feel important is the oxygen she needs for her self-esteem that's the gasoline okay and if she doesn't get it she can't be a good wife and she can't be a good mother invest i have another man question i'm getting texts for men they say ask more men questions okay there are men here tonight that's the good stuff i feel my wife makes such a big deal about particularly small things for example coming 15 minutes late whatever there's a million examples i don't want to use the example in 15 minutes but there's a million small things they got the garbage i asked you once uh smaller things right i want to understand why the small things settle off so much and what i could do as a husband to be better about it and ultimately at the end of the day there's always going to be small things that are going to be difficult to deal with no there's a very big problem that we have because until we get married who tells us what to do my mother stopped telling us years ago we have this independence then we get married and automatically we have a new boss and they have things they want their way and we don't like to be controlled men feel that their wives control them but the truth is let's go back to our original session original talk what is the greatest most important thing a woman needs to feel that she's cared for that she's loved what her husband says i'll be home at 7 and she prepared supper and the kids are waiting and he comes at 7 45 which means the food got cold already or the wife understands it's not that he came 15 minutes late it means he doesn't love me and i said what are you exaggerating let me ask you a question if you have an appointment in your office someone has to call you to be there at four o'clock and they show up at 4 15. how do you feel i'm not sure in pain in panama it's okay and you're expecting anyone to come on time if you call them for four o'clock you expect them at five o'clock okay but in most normal countries when you put a time and a person called 50 minutes late you're telling yourself that person doesn't care about me or my time is not important so as our spouse we want them to cut us some slack no of course you know i love you it's 50 minutes but in the woman's mind if you told me a certain time you didn't text me you didn't call me and say you have a problem that means my i'm not important it's not about the time it's about the message you're getting and the worst thing for a woman is to feel that she's not important to her and that's why the details make a big difference you need to be there stop feeling controlled instead of saying to yourself again she wants to control me tell yourself my wife has the need okay she has a need this is how she feels love of course i want to make her feel loved and that's really the we have to change the chip not to see if i go she's controlling me no and that's the problem since we don't have we don't we feel it's a control issue that's why we become we become stubborn not to give it and that's the mistake okay here's another question that came in for some reason we are constantly fighting over stupid things and we can't seem to get away away from from the fights what can we do about it the people that's constantly fight about small things not talking about the real big issues it's constantly back and forth so what happens is no we actually don't fight ever about small things everything we fight about is big by the way now they say marriage is when men and women decide to become one the trouble begins when they're deciding which one we don't have any small fights yes it looks small but really all the fights are about who's winning this who did it who's at fault you said i said for instance i came late so why did you come late hang out 50 minutes what was what happened no but you said why did you come late what did i feel and you attacked me my wife is attacking me so what do i say what are you attacking me i'm attacking you you came late we all we both feel like the victims she's feeling like the victim because it came late he feels like the victim because she attacked him so what happens we get into this problem nothing small it's all about you've made you're offending me you know they say that the difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism they say that's the criticism i give others is always construct the criticism others gives me are is always destructive there's a famous book by rabbi arush i think the what's the word what's the pita what's that forgot the title um no the the path of peace what's the the other one in shaolin the garden of peace i think the garden of peace okay so what's half the book is about never criticize your spouse that's what he talks i think it's a little bit a little bit overdone but the point is true when we feel criticized we go on the defense we get on defensive and we start fighting back and that's what happens there's no small issues of course they're small they're stupid but the problem is we need to learn how to talk okay the third part of the book the art of communication learn the first thing is learn how to talk criticism anger is destroys every relationship you know i say that what keeps a marriage together only one thing keeps america together together the davak bistro the dalvak is the glue the glue is called the relationship you can call it love that's the glue when you chip away at that glue when you start breaking away of that relationship everything falls apart criticisms anger all this stuff breaks chips away slowly but surely comes to a point that we don't feel connected so yes we should avoid fighting about stupid things but remember let's not say why are we fighting about stupid things we're not we're not we haven't learned how to say give over communicate we need to learn how to talk the right words the right body language the right energy that would avoid many many i would say 90 of our problems we would avoid if we learned how to talk that's our greatest challenge now the gemara says [Music] prohibition of hurting people with words the madras rabbi has a whole long talk about it very interesting about the habits speaks how you talk to people like we said rob says be careful how you talk to your wife because they can cry it's even worse we need to learn how to talk most times when we're saying something we're attacking it we're attacking our spouse and the attack will bring a counter attack so could you share with us the first thing that we need to do what's the first thing with um the art of communication so the art of communication has basically three points the first point is learn how to talk okay which basically means instead of using the u-word you use the i-word right why are you why do you always park the car crooked why do you always get tickets why do you always come late why do you always leave the bathroom a mess is always an attack try it differently i would really appreciate if when you park the car would be skirt i would really appreciate if when you finish the bathroom it looks nice i need something instead of you have done something that's the first basic thing and what happens is when i'm saying something already i'm really upset the wife came to the bathroom the bathroom of the mess the towel was in the floor there was water all over so she walks out she's already yeah so she can't say it nicely and if you're not going to say it nicely it's not going to work have you ever heard of any discussion that anyone want i say one thing you see another thing goes the wrong way learning how to talk make sure you're calm and you're not attacking your spouse you're here just tell them a need you have and sometimes say it works with the chat because you're you're less involved some people like the chat some people don't like the chats whatever but over there i can say it in a more less attacking way or my spouse might not feel so attacked but that's really the key how are we delivering the message okay um somebody texts me a very interesting question okay rebellion yes let me read it thanks for the beautiful program tonight i'm really enjoying my wife is not is very into social media it bothers me a lot as i see her as involved in 10 other couples relationships what they're wearing vacationing eating out i feel it's greatly affecting our relationship or the lack of our relationship to her it's an outlet and she doesn't see the big deal with a few conversations i'm being unrealistic or how to guide us basically in short let's globalize the question bigger basically people either live between people or they go on social media and they get an image of what a marriage is or what people are doing and it's causing them to be not realistic in their relationship and it's affecting their relationship so how does one spouse explain it to those spouses now that spouse is using it as an outlet i'm going online i'm on instagram i'm doing this yeah relaxing first of all yes social media is a big problem but let me ask you what happened before social media you remember men would complain at night my wife is on the phone for hours uh calling whatever there was always no noise now let's remember women need to connect and unfortunately men are not so good at connecting so therefore a woman is going to look for that connection i have a strong hunch and a feeling that whoever wrote you that that message he's not spending enough time with his wife and therefore she's spending a lot more time elsewhere she's he's saying it's affecting his relationship if he had a good relationship and he said he's okay just like after having the 20 or 30 minute talk daily or finding time to connect she is okay with him learning daffy me or learning whatever else or doing whatever else he would be okay with her social life something is telling me that he's feeling rejected she's too much under the social media now he's really realizing he doesn't have a relationship maybe he didn't realize that he never had a good relationship it was just in his mind she wasn't feeling there was a good religion now he's not feeling this a good relationship okay so let's go back to step one start working on your relationship if your wife is looking for an outlet she's not getting it from you a woman needs emotional connections she should get them from their spouse start working on it find time to do stuff together and i tell people this is the most important thing we explain till now we're so different we move away what a woman mostly needs is to spend time with her spouse a man needs to find time whether it's talking or an activity something you do with his spouse that time fills her needs fills her need of love fills her need of connection when you do that she'll be more relaxed it doesn't mean she won't be on social media but you'll both be connected and there you maybe won't bother you so much if it's bothering you is because there's a lack of that connection she's finding her outlet and now you're feeling jealous so the answer is very simple make instead of her having to go out let her find that relationship in your marriage what happens if someone opens up and they talk to their spouse and this is a question that she talks to her husband and sometimes it could be a little bit harsh but he turns into a stone wall she says it becomes like a stone wall why and what can i do about it stonewalling yes it's a very famous topic so usually you know we all heard of the fight and flight i remember i once went to speak to one of my members in the show someone told me he gets into fights with his wife having a heart relationship say what they said listen salman we need to do something why do you have to fight so much if you say something and your wife said something you don't like just keep quiet why do you have to make a whole issue about this he says rabbi that's exactly what i do if my wife says something i don't like i just keep quiet and i don't talk to her for a month by they after he said that the conversation was pretty much over okay yes fight or flight when a man is having a conversation with his wife and he feels it's not going to go very it's not going to go well he has two choices either to fight it out or to say let's cut it now let's cut our losses so if it's a conversation that they can manage of course you need to talk to them but if he's stumbling it's because he's scared that this is going to get much worse and you we know when you have a conversation that's not going well and you did this and you did that and he and then the the tone of the voice races the accusations rise this no he said that women are historical all the history since you got married so the guy says why should we go back to that place that's cutting out so actually if your husband wants to cut the conversation any stonewalls it could be a positive yes a woman feels oh wow let's finish it if you finish it it might get much worse now stonewalling is not a bad thing if you're able to later come back to it which i guess we'll talk about soon but for a woman stonewalling is is is a very negative thing like you're cutting me off but it's important for the wife to see that for your husband what he's trying to do is avoid an all-out war let's not destroy all the bridges let's take a pause now take a recess and we'll get back to it so that that could have value so when when when should he get back to it so this is really i would say one of the the greatest problems i think in marriage or the challenges is how do you go back so i know people in my community say we have a fight we don't talk for three four a day five day a week and then someone says good morning good morning and nothing happened and i find this to be the greatest problems because what happens instead of dealing with the issue we shove it under the rug but it stays under the rug and when you have so many things under the rug it start the rug starts picking up no marriage can work if you have so much baggage and so many times you hurt me and you weren't able to apologize so on one hand we're petrified to go back to that conversation and rightfully so because we know we don't want to fight another one if you don't go back there you've never resolved it it's an open wound and then you open up a new wound then a third one and that's a problem i think um to say it on the zoom won't give it justice there's a specific paragraph about this very important very vital i think one of the most important things i'm going to try to bring the point briefly the reason we can never fix a fight because we always go back to where we were we always go back to prove our point now listen to what i was trying to tell you i have felt so upset because oh yeah and i felt it so when we're going back to prove our points the fight will just continue to fix a fight is when you're able to sit down and say okay i'm not here to tell you my book i want to understand what did you feel what was going on why did you take it so personally why are you so upset that's all and be able to say i'm sorry for what i did someone said i'm sorry i was the victim in every fight we both feel like we're the victim because both of us have a reason to feel that the other one started and in every fight the other one started like i gave the example before you didn't pick up the dry cleaning right i'm the husband i asked you bring them pickle the dry you didn't pick it up i came home i needed the suit for the wedding and i was very upset so i lashed out on i'm the husband who started my wife started she should have picked it up in her brain what do you mean i started i forgot everyone could forget why are you so upset so we all feel the other person is the problem we're the victim and when you come back and you're more relaxed and okay tell me what happened and the wife was saying this i understand i made a mistake i forgot but why did you have to lash out at me you also forget things it's okay when i go back to talk about it and i'm able to see my spouse's perspective i understand that the reason that they reacted because they were feeling attacked that i can forgive them quick example imagine your what's it called your uh your spouse pushes you why don't you push me how's it possible and then you show her no your heel was on my toe and i was speaking to you but you were on the phone on your headphones you were just inside the bushing okay okay when i can see that because i my my what my i was stepping on my foot my my husband's toe and he was just trying to get my attention okay if you push me that's crazy but if you push me because you couldn't hear me and this is a reaction of you stepping on my toe it's different so the concept of being able to understand my spouse's perspective then you can come back to the conversation and say okay if that's how you felt i'm sorry and if that's and then obviously the wife is gonna say okay what were you feeling i felt that you didn't understand that you were attacking my mother okay fine i'm sorry that's the key to be able to move ahead we didn't leave it under the rug we brought it back up we stopped saying my opinion i want to hear your perspective and then you can delete and it doesn't clog up your computer okay let's try to pop in two more questions as possible if we have enough time okay um how do we repair a large fight the way we do it is we keep we seem to fight a lot and um we don't talk for a few days we just like let it go never talk about it and then these things just sort of roll how is that normal is that the way things are supposed to be when when a couple has a larger fight i remember when i was uh just get married everyone tells you you should never go to sleep angry right always make sure you fix it before he goes they say with expression says don't go to sleep angry stay up and fight okay so i try to understand why is it that they say you shouldn't go to sleep and eventually i understand something how is it possible that this discussion can overshadow your whole marriage you've lived together five ten years you have kids together you've got you have gone through so many things why is this one fight define your relationship so that's why i believe it is a very valuable thing to be able to before you go to sleep saying this i'm very upset you're upset we had a very big fight we're not going to fix it now but i apologize those words are an important thing at least you might not sleep well anyways but it's realizing that your things in common are much greater than even this fight a serious fight i would say can take at least a day for the couple to be able to get back and talk about it because we're all both offended i am so offended how you what you told me how you said it about whatever this conversation was so you need to really be able to be more relaxed to be able to get back and talk but yes i think it's important to learn how not to ignore each other to be able to continue whether you eat breakfast together or lunch or supper or you text hey we'll talk about it let's try to have a courteous relationship and we're going to get back to the stop i think a couple of days is a little bit too long but up to a day or two can be sometimes normal regardless it doesn't doesn't mean we shouldn't be interacting and it doesn't mean we shouldn't have some type of apology for what happened okay all right let's um i think i have a live question here one second let's see the person on mutes okay i'm you please and then we'll do one more and then we'll go to closing okay everyone okay you're oh okay is that me that's you oh okay so you said about communicating um in a good way so i try to communicate in a good way but maybe you have an idea how to communicate in a good way to ask your husband to spend time with you and like you rip said before you know he'll go well we just spent time together let's say we work together we're in the office all day even though we didn't really talk about anything personal or connecting or for sitting by the table um like to like you mentioned i had to explain that you want connection not just sitting together doing something else or how do you present that in a nice way would your husband read two three chapters of a book no he actually snoring right now we were listening this together um i give him books he reads a page and then are here the husband's right here what do you want she always says she wants time i should give her time i'm very busy i don't have time to spend you know when i see her at lunch i see her i see her in the office i see her with united's tables so that's spending time with her and then she keeps saying she wants more time yes i understand for a man it's very hard we don't understand what she what time she needs but obviously your wife has a need and it's actually i'll give you a biblical commandment believe it or not what your wife is telling you although you can't figure it out because as men we cannot figure out not just you me and many other others on this on this on this uh zoom but your wife has a need and believe it or not she expressed it to you and as a good husband you know i'm sure y'all are you that wants to pass it okay your wife needs personal time not just work time work time doesn't count she needs to sit with you and talk with you and feel that you can connect to her this is the biggest lesson you can do trust me i'm going to ask you to read i think i'm not sure which part which which chapter two or three chapters in the book if you understand your wife's need you'll give her true love and and happiness is there anything more important for you and i'm sure the happier she is the better a wife should be the better a mother should be my grandmother i'm not sure where she's up to but this is really essential and as i'm telling it to you i understand perfectly how you don't understand the word i'm saying because in our brain we don't need it what i don't need it's hard for me to give and that's like you know the same story about this rabbi it's russia it's cold he goes to one of the kaverim the guy comes to the to the door he goes robbie come in what do you need no no i want to talk to you for a minute over here and the rabbi talks and talks for five minutes how cold it is and how many poor people there and the prices of wood went up and after five minutes the guy's shivering the rabbit walks into the room into the house and says tell me rabbi what do you need a check give me whatever you need but why did i have one question why didn't you come in at the beginning you knew you had to come in and the rabbit says because i wanted you to feel the cold if you don't feel the cold you're not going to give me the same check we cannot understand or feel the need of a wife of spending time with her and therefore the time that we think we're spending we think it's good enough and i understand you a thousand percent but trust me if you want to give the biggest gift to your spouse to your wife is try it try it once a week once a week try it give her 30 minutes listening to her talking to her and see try it once a week for the next month and then we'll talk thank you my pleasure i'll do it thank you excellent okay i think before we close interesting um oh it says what if what if um somebody realizes that their spouse is not in tuned and like i mentioned in the beginning it's they can't be vulnerable open the connection that they're looking for they're just not getting from their spouse and like many would ask me what's marriage if they can't get the connection that they're looking for listen it's very tough i say why because it's it's not easy it's not easy to be in a relationship very difficult needing to feel loved as hashem made it that we need to feel a woman needs to fill up and have a spouse that has no clue men are most men are clueless really they're clueless and it's not their fault it's a very tough thing so i remember i gave this talk in france a woman says i'm married 16 years i'm telling my husband this every time he doesn't get it yes he doesn't get it he can't get it and that's why i really believe it's so important again whether it's my book or any other book let them find some source that will help them understand what's going on because a man if you don't convince him in his head at least forget his heart wow we can't expect anything different yes this is the challenge of relationships everyone's challenge you do the best you can you tried somebody more successful than others even myself well i consider myself the expert obviously i have days that uh my wife feels that i'm not as communicative i shouldn't or i'm not so connected because this is my nature okay it's a changing of nature and this is as uh what is the you say that you described tikkun hamidus changing who we are working on ourselves and that's really the essence of marriage made us so different and wants us to both work on these sides working for men working to understand their spouse and women understanding that even the days it's not working out we'll move ahead that's part of our spiritual journey and i find this to be very very valuable see it as a spiritual journey men by nature are not emotionally as in tune most men at least get the best you can and try to work with it i i wish you lots of luck i hope it works sometimes you got to get that emotional support from your kids and something you're getting them from your from your your good friends and something men aren't as good as you and it's it's a challenge it's a challenge for every single cup guys let's go to closing now and uh we're going to wrap it up forever later i wanted to leave us with some different physics before we go first i'm going to show you this we have aaron lane from panama city coming on and uh really big hazard tonight was was very practical very la maison was uh the big emotional vulnerability theoretical to the la maison which was great and rebellious coming on and um we i think i think we always need physic in this topic it's one of the topics we do every sunday i think with the uh you know give a lot of physic and again uh henry wants to join the what's up chat it's what's at me at 848.525066 and say my number and every sunday sunday flyer we can go to nothingbarfield.com you can sign up to get the weekly emails to see what's coming on for anybody who's here for the first time every sunday night 9 30 eastern time we do a sheer and we just have rubber lane we have tremendous amount of uh robotim therapists speakers everybody and anybody anybody who has taken and uh is coming to muhasagar so please come and be part of it um every sunday night at 9 30 be part of our sikhs as we call it um again tonight everything is recorded this channel will be available on manhattanville.com on youtube and all the spotify and podcasts and also the phone number tonight's share is share 103 the phone number if you want to call it tomorrow and let's do it on the phone is 848.777 grow g-r-o-w and i want to give a special thank you to the lakewood scoop robin youniver hazak ellie and ariel from fog town central kyla california summer from col live and um next sunday night hashem may 29th we're going to have an amazing one to every sender yes you can see here from eatontown a personal close friend of mine and he was on and wait in the way beginning he was on together with the therapist and he's coming on now before the sunday before schwess and he's going to try to explain to us how players negate to everybody and how to put it into our children how to grow with it and how to take shoes this yamtiv and really internalize it and take it to the next level so please join us next sunday travis here's an unbelievable person and um please join us and um what did i want to say the last thing i wanted to say that rabbi lane you murdered i think it's important for the people that weren't in the beginning to hazard i want to thank you very much and it's it sounds like uh this work hashem was more practical but like you mentioned the fight in flight we we all have baggage stuff beliefs and uh there's no two of the same and we're many times we're in the fight and flights um states that it's it's very hard to be there and to listen when especially if they're talking about you and they want you to change so it is work whether it's reading the book or it's really a lot of introspection to see where am i what's going on why don't i like it and uh after trying to change your spouse for many years realizing many times that this is who they are and like we discussed acceptance and then being able to love them the way they are which is a challenge and and it's work like we heard so this itself like tonight was very practical but it is a vulnerable moment to be able to say what bothers me what's something that i don't like if i could share it or i can't share it just to to sit in that space and feel it sometimes you could take care of it you could do something about it sometimes you can't you'll buy the book and you'll start reading it and you'll hope that it works and then you might find out that it doesn't that that could be painful and uh you should have a place where you can talk about it and like we mentioned for those who are not sure if they are in a abusive relationship it's good you came here tonight which is beautiful but make a phone call just to discuss it with a professional so that they can help you and guide you to the best place where you need to be so thank you very much i'm elaine and uh everybody should have a lot of seattle ishmael to go to where they need to get to to the next step hashem to up their marriage in mexico aaron lane from panama closing words physic so first of all he forgot to ask me the question i left you at the beginning okay that's the beginning why is it let me see if you have the answer usher if not you didn't pay attention why is it that a woman has no obligation in marriage only a man has obligations you got the answer if now i have to start from the beginning i think we should start from the beginning i think i think that's him after the shares because the woman has the intuition to be connected anyway it's it's uh beautiful actually we need to be metsava because for us as long as the color is warm and the clothing is clean and the floors are nice we come home excellent so the reason that taylor obligates a husband and not a wife because if a man does what he has to and knows how to give what his wife needs by nature a wife will respond this is what i found and i think it's a very valuable answer anyone has a different answer that's also good that's why i understand and the same thing let's go to the second question why does it say it's not good for men to be alone many men might be happier to be alone and the answer i think from a spiritual perspective if you're alone we will become selfish and egocentric and the essence of judaism the instance of bria hashem wanted us to overcome our selfishness hashem gave the torah on harsh senate and it says harcine had plantations and then fruits and trees in the terror the alternative sense the desert is selfish it's not willing to give out any produce hashem reminded us that the objective of creation is to give to change change yourself from being self selfish to be selfless that's why your spouse is different not the same it's opposite it feels so difficult right because that's where it teaches us how to grow how we come better how we become different the only place in life to really grow is in marriage your parents our parents stopped telling us things long a long time ago in marriage is we're always being challenged our ego is being challenged we have to learn how to forgive to ask for forgiveness to close an eye to close the mouth all the areas of spiritual growth is a marriage so that's they tell you you want to actually become a better person marriage is the greatest place and that's why for those of you that heard the original p's and hayes we got to change them originally we spoke that we're looking for our prestige power and pleasure men are looking for them and women need affection their appearance and a sense of accomplishment for a good marriage we need to change it many to start looking to please their spouse people please they need to remember that our purpose in life purpose is to become a better person and that is going to happen through making our spouse happier and the third p is if we're looking for men like to fix the whole world peace shall it the whole world it's going to start with shaolin in your home these are the three new p's we're going to focus on and women need to remember that they need to have new a's okay the first day is to articulate tell your spouse what you need they can't figure it out the second a is affirm affirm say words that affirm make him feel special and obviously accept even when it doesn't work the way you hope or you want what you said except that we're different and it's difficult and it's not as easy as you think it is those new p's and a's are going to make the difference and now for the question that we said everyone's looking what's the one thing one thing we said that will change your marriage i mean you heard a lot of things but i think the one thing is when we learn how not to take things personally one thing when a wife stops taking everything if he came late he doesn't love me he didn't respond to the chat he doesn't love me he didn't go to the birthday party he doesn't love stop taking everything first the husband i every time i come she criticizes criticize no it's not that she has a problem with you she's not feeling loved enough don't jump into the rink and and defend yourself and accuse her relax stop taking things personally the more we understand the differences of men and women the more we understand that it's not about me it's my spouse headed issue let me see how to manage don't take it personally i think if i'm able to do that the whole relationship would change all right beautiful i just want to share with everybody the book uh henry's holding a picture but i want to show everybody how many people are texting where to get it it says get amazon you just type in gps review all the hundreds of people that are here between the thousands of people that hear it and um what you're trying to say by the next week and uh she executed me amen thank you thank you all the best oh yeah