Good Vibes Eps 7. Planning, Presence, and Partnership: Cultivating Connection in Marriage

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzz, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little tower light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome back to the good vibes podcast. Today we're going to discuss Zion Mitsam. We're going to take an interesting twist or perspective on this puk that's not so typical but I'm really excited to get into it. Okay so states The translation of this is that she sets her mind on a field and acquires it. She plants a vineyard through the fruit of her handiwork. So at first glance, this puck is talking about Parnessa or hints to Parnessa, right? She's getting a field, acquiring a field. She's working with their hands and the vineyard and it's hinting to her labor or the fruits of her labor. And because in pas hey we recently spoke about parnasa and our role in parasa I actually wanted to take this pak into a different direction because there's so much to learn in every pak. So the word zam which we see in the pak right from the beginning right it says zamma the the root zam means to strategize or to plan or to plot. Often zam has a connotation of negative of like scheming or a negative form of plotting. But also in different times in Tanakh we see the word zama used in positive as strategy or that somebody planned out somebody strategized. So I want to focus to take this puck and focus on the first word of it focus on the word zimma and what that means to an asyle. So the word zimma and this puk is specifically referring to parnasa. But I believe that the Asia style is damma in many different areas in her life and that she is somebody who is a planner is a strategizer who sees the bigger goal and comes up with a plan to achieve it. Not just in parasa of course that's what the pak is referring to but the asas is not somebody who just does something without thinking. She's a planner and a strategizer at her core right thinking about where she is now where she wants to go and how she's going to get there. We see this in with Anas Kyle in terms of her aodess hashem in her relationships in general with her children with who she is as a person and especially with her relationship with her husband. So when I think of the word zamo, the strategizer, the planner, I almost envision the ishasy having like a game plan. Like maybe that's an intense way to say it, but having a game plan towards her life, having a game plan towards her vote, towards her relationship with her children, towards her relationship with her husband, towards her tough in her community, having a game plan. And Hashem created Kaba in order to be an Azer connect. Her purpose was to be the wife of Adamab. When I think of that, I think of how beautiful it is and how clear of a path we have knowing that Hashem created us to be an Azerdo. And I want to focus on this most precious and most central relationship in our lives. How we are strategizers and planners when it comes to being an Azerdo and an Asia Kyle. So luckily today I have Mrs. Fagi Pollock with us who is going to share on this topic and enlighten us. Pollock is a visionary creator who empowers individuals through her transformative course, Unblock Your Way to Oneness with an EFT practitioner certification. Figy has guided hundreds of women through their marriage challenges. Additionally, Figi is a high acclaimed kala teacher dedicated to preparing young women for a joyous and fulfilling life with their future husbands. Her invaluable guidance equips these women with essential tools and insights to navigate the complexities of marriage and embark on a path of happiness and growth. Through her expertise, empathy, and commitment to personal growth, Dei Pala continues to significantly impact the lives of countless women, nurturing harmonious and loving relationships founded on the principles of the Torah's wisdom. Welcome, Dei. Thank you so so much for being here with us. It is such a >> Thank you so much for having me and I'm very excited about this project. >> Thank you so much. We're so excited. So maybe you could just start off by hearing from you what you think about this idea overall about Anish is Kyle being strategic and again we know that the puzz was referring to an isasle being strategic when it comes to her parasa but what do you think or what's your take on an ishal being strategic being a planner when it comes to her life in general? So, it's interesting because I think there's a lot of talk nowadays, at least in the circles that I'm in, a lot of talk about understanding the feminine and the masculine energies, understanding as women, how we embody the vast majority of feminine energy and how when the feminine and masculine energies work in harmony together, this like it says, you know, when those energies work in harmony, that's when we have the Bria in a ton form and the way intended the world to be. this beautiful dynamic, harmonious dynamic between and at its different phases of development starting at you know before the and then the fall and then eventually coming back to as we get closer and closer to the coming of there's there are going to be happening in the world which we're all experiencing and I think that there's a lot of awareness today and a lot of talk about the feminine power or the term term used, you know, like the holy feminine and what that means. Interesting. We even see this in the secular world. In fact, very often as these changes come into the world, they first happen, interestingly enough, they first happen in the secular world. They come down. It's like these lights come down into the world and first show up in the like external expression of it, which is the side of the, you know, almost like the negative forces. And it's our avod to take that light and bring it and use it properly. But talking of let's say the rise and the popularity of feminism and post feminism and what it's done to the world and what it's done to women. And today this awareness of coming back home to being a woman. And there's a lot of talk about a woman is present. A woman is just about being, right? Masculine energy is about doing. Feminine energy is about being. And like everything in life, we could go off course if we don't have the guidance of our gdole, of our misora, of the Torah, all its levels, the Rez, the Dush, and the sod. And I feel like with all the talk today about a woman learning to just be, which granted most women in 2025, we need to work on that. we become so quote unquote in our thinking and in our being that we all need to learn to embody that being presence. But at the same time, I often wonder if in this conversation we're losing sight of the balance of being and doing. And when we read this puk of Asia, puk after puk, we see a woman who is doing, right? And I think that this concept more than anything, she doesn't just sit and wait for the to become hers. She has a very masterful thoughtout plan on how she's going to orchestrate this and make it happen. And then right it's interesting because in the actually the word we read it not which is in female form not a she the woman planted the seeds of the vineyard but really it says nata without the hay at the end this the cre which would be masculine form that that that could be you know a whole conversation on its own the say that it's not the way of a woman to plant a vineyard but through her strategizing and her wisdom. The way I almost picture it is like that that co of a woman behind the scenes beneath the surface in her private modest way but the strategy and the thoughtfulness is there all along. So it's considered her vineyard as if she planted it even though she didn't actually go out and plant it with her own hands but it's her empowerment that planted the vineyard. And obviously the sad and the kum we could take it at face value meaning her parnasa or the livelihood of her family but obviously we're talking here about this spiritual sustenance of her family and ultimately the world. So it's interesting because there's this balance always going on between this idea like we said of learning to be a woman of just being and letting go and total surrender to Kadesh Baru's plan. And yet at the same time we see time and again all the way back to our imos all the way back to even this like calculation and strategy. I mean that's the whole like if you go back to the very very beginning right and he says to them don't eat you can eat from all the trees eat from all the trees partake from the pleasures of ganeden ganed is a sphere of spirituality of pleasure beyond our comprehension of clarity. Hashem's light is so big and so so bright and then makes this calculation together with Adam. She's the first one who partakes from the adas where that if they bring the world to a darker place and then they shine Hashem's light there that keshm will be so much greater and that was coming from this longing to connect with hashem in a deeper way and ultimately said don't eat from the tree that wasn't the hashem that I wanted from you right now it was the right action but at the wrong time and that's why they were punished and we're all part of the tikon of tikon But even back to the beginning, we see over here that it wasn't just a matter of, oh, I'm in the Garden of Eden and I see a beautiful fruit and I want to eat it. Okay, I'm going to eat it. There's a thought, there's a thoughtful process of what can I do as a woman and how can I influence my man together to partake of something that will ultimately bring the world to a higher place. So again, we're not trying to say that was wrong, right? Like the mafarim teach it was the right action at the wrong time was going to give them the tree for you know to eat from the sadas later on when they had what they needed to be able to face that darkness of the world and bring the world to its tikun it wasn't the time yet but then if we fast forward look at someone like e right it's interesting that the women in Tanakh one after the other seemed to break the stereotype that we've been taught of the Jewish woman Sarah turns to Abraham and without thinking twice, she just blurts out and says to him, "Send away Ishmael. Send him away." Right? >> And that was after she told Abrau to bring to bring in another way. Meaning both times she was very active. >> Exactly. So that and then to send him away. And then we have Yak and Rifka. Yizhak literally goes behind her husband's back, right? What marriage counselor would give a woman that apha go behind your husband's back? Don't be honest with him, right? No, because she had a vision. She knew that there was a kalist to create and she knew that was seeing the reality not completely the way it was and she sends Yakov to get the brahos. Right. And then we have Rahul and Leia. Rahul on her own decides to give Leia the simmon because she didn't want her sister to be embarrassed. We see time and time again how these women who are our mothers. It's in our bones. They one after the other were there was a it's interesting that the word or in Hebrew it's almost like to have a sneaky plan like it almost has a negative connotation. Okay. The ter term that comes to my mind is what we call holy, right? To be able to get up and say, "No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna intervene. Hashem, I am going to intervene." And for a woman to be able to do that and to hold on to both ends of total surrender to Hashem's plan and at the same time to get up with that holy and say there's a field and I want that field because I know that this field will bring braha into my family and that field you can fill in the blank whatever it means for you. It can mean the physical field of the woman who's that businesswoman who's frying a field all the way to the emotional and spiritual wealth that you're going to bring to your family through you. It's such a fine line that we walk as women. And from the little bit that I read in the mafarium and just from the way I you know the connection that I feel to this plus I think it's teaching us this point to be able to use that power in a balanced way in a healthy way. So to first be able to completely surrender's plan and then from a place of so much anaba to show up and say he made me he here I am. I'm here hashem to to serve you to do your will and I'm going to come up with a plan on how to do that. >> That's beautiful. It's it's so eyeopening that you were sharing about the masculine and the feminine and how the pekk itself has that has a creat and a civ. I didn't even know that when I was looking into this puzzle. But how apppropo that there's a different way of writing and saying it out loud and using both of those using that kak of being and still having that kak of strategizing and planning again almost behind the scenes in its sneous way in a modest way in a way of solely serving Hashem and coming from a place of anava but seeing the bigger picture like what you were saying with Rifka that Rifka did. So, how would you recommend bringing that k into our lives, especially when it comes into having the ultimate relationship with our husbands? >> So, it's interesting. I heard a great line from one of my great teachers and she said, you know, people will often come to her and say, it's not fair. Why are we always doing the work when it comes to marriage? You post a class on marriage, you're going to fill rooms and rooms of women. How many men are going to come to Shelon Bay's class? very few unfortunately. It's not fair. I'm feeling resentful. It's not fair. And she answered something which is so simple, but I think there's so much wisdom and depth to it. She said, "In most households, if you go to IKEA and buy a new cupboard, right, unless you're hiring IKEA to come put it up for you, usually who's the person erecting these shelves and these cabinets? Who's moving the heavy furniture? It's often the men." Why is that? Because the way built their body, they're strong. They have muscle mass. They're physically built for hard physical labor. So, Hashem created men with strong physical muscles. And created the woman with strong emotional muscles. Our nephish has the ability to move mountains emotionally. Something that men struggle with. It's a feminine trait to be able to do this inner work to go deeper and excavate and go deeper and deeper and to be able to do this work and never ever give up. We see this all the way back. You know, I love to quote this Gamarra. Anyone who's ever heard me speak before, I'm sure has heard me teach this about the nashimos and who at the end of the day were able to reconnect with their husbands in such a beautiful wholesome way in ways that when you read the garra everyone should look it up themselves it like it it flies in the face of anything we've ever been taught and here it is these women were able to reconnect with their husbands and then to continue through their connecting with their husbands and those were the children that were able to point first at the splitting of the sea and recognize a kadesh because these were children of Gul. The Maharal writes about it. It's very emotional, very beautiful. And I think it's important for women to know this because it says that the nishos of the women in the holy Jewish women in will be misgarnated in the women prior to the coming of Messiah. Now, we all want to believe every day that goes by, we're definitely getting closer. So we don't know if it's going to be today, tomorrow, in a few hundred years, but we are definitely towards the end. So I would rather and think it's me that I have that spark in my nishama and therefore I have a responsibility. I'd rather make that mistake than say ah it's for sure not me. Who am I? Why should I be a giggle of those women? And then live my life and then look back and regret. So I feel like we're all on a mission and just like these women in the had that to right to strategize and plan their life in a way that even though they were in the no less than their husbands that they never lost sight of the gula and they never gave up the men they lost they lost hope a hus you know the husbands weren't able to hold on to the hope of gula and the pain of the galas and to hold emotions that are complex is the woman's and that's something that we all have. Okay. So I think when you ask me how do I connect this to marriage in the most practical terms yes it would be so nice if your husband was the one who came to you and said let's work on our marriage. Let's make time to have a date night. Let's go away once a month. Let's book a you know a shabas in a hotel once a year for our anniversary. Let's go and buy you whatever will make you happy. Right. Of course, that would be very nice if your husband would do that. And I and I give a braha to every Jewish woman that her husband should be that kind of man who's the mashp who's connected to his mashia kohos as the masculine and bestows his goodness overflowing with good to his wife. But the reality is that in most marriages that's not what's happening. And if we're going to sit around and wait again, if we're just going to wait and just fool ourselves when really what perhaps is expecting of us is to strategize and do then we're missing the boat. And this is where I'm going to use this, you know, I'm gonna not give my own perish to the because that I would do that. But she'll she'll take him. She'll bring him. Let's say that she's going to desire that. She's going to dream and strategize about this wealth of growth. A sadd is a place of life, right? And she sees that vision and she says that's the kind of marriage that I want. I want a marriage of growth. I want a marriage like a gun and I'm going to make sure that this happens. And she's not going to just sit around and wait for her husband to take the first step. Rather, she's going to be the one who comes towards him. And when a woman does that and she's able to again with another come towards her husband once she's in that space that's where the letting go and being comes in because a woman is so attracted when she right once she's taken that step and she's come towards her husband the total surrender of I'm here and I'm available and I want to connect with you and I want to be the right wife for you and now I'm letting There's no patronizing. There's no lecturing. There's no guilting your husband. There's no shoulds and coulds, right? It's just, "Hi, I'm here." Okay? And that's the co- that a woman has. So, this is true about every area of her marriage, right? the parts of the marriage that are more technical, the parts that are more emotional, the parts that are very deep and wholesome where the more a woman can plan even though we would think oh well if a relationship is good and if a relationship is flourishing things will just spontaneously happen and the truth that it doesn't work like that and we see that from kazal kal command a Jewish husband to spend time with his wife and fulfill all of her needs on all levels and there's a conversation in the garra of how often the man has this obligation. Okay? And it's dependent on his profession. If he's a sailor and he's out at sea and he's gone and he's only home twice a year, then his mitzvah is twice a year. Whereas if he sleeps at home, he's in the same home with his wife, he sees her often, but he's busy. So then his mitzvah is twice a week. So a husband has to carve out time to connect with his wife. So again we see here yes of course it's the that a husband has to ensure he's the mashia he's the masculine he should make sure to be mash on his wife but a woman's aod is to make space for that and that's where we see the wisdom of kazal they don't say well just leave everything up to spontaneity and when you and your husband will be in the mood to spend time together or to take a walk together or to go away together for a vacation or to just sit down and have a chat then you'll do it. No, Hazal are teaching us that there's strategy involved, that there's planning involved. It needs to be intentional. And that like flies in the face of what we've all been brainwashed, that true love, quote unquote, is something that you fall into and it just right. No, it doesn't. >> You're showing us from the source, from the from the Gamarra, how much it's the exact opposite and how much really a couple of things just came to mind when you were speaking. First of all, the fact that this is a tool that we have that this is something that's special to us that you were saying that you know a husband's co-host are in building IKEA cabinets. I mean many many many other things as well but that's their strength. Their strength is the physical and ours the emotional. That means that it's our tool. That means that it's highlighted in our toolbox. And to know that gives me a lot of empowerment, gives me a lot of of, oh, I have this. I can do this. Hashem gave me this in within our marriage. Hashem gave the woman this tool within the marriage. And it's my to use that tool the same way that it's his to use his tools, but it's my to use this tool. And the beauty of like you kept on saying with the being strategic, being a doer, being a planner, but then also giving space and how when you this this balance of doing and planning like plan, I would say planning first and strategizing and then ultimately doing but then once you do being available and just being and being there and being present and I think that it's an avoda for our whole lives and every marriage, every couple, every individual ual is it's a whole world. But this idea of planning and strategizing and then letting go and being is very eye opening to me. It's very concrete. It's a big tool. It's something that I could take back where it's Hashem tried to implement. Okay. So with that, Fagi, we're going to start wrapping up. Is there anything that you want to say or to summarize to tie up this idea? >> Yeah. So a thought that came to my mind as you're asking me this question was you know women will often say to me okay so I get it I want to implement the change and I'm ready to take even a bold step you know like I've had women who I've had this to work with and you know hold their hand as they walk their journey on you know in transforming their marriage some women married as long as myself and in fact one of my dear clients really I she's At this point, I would consider her more a friend even than a client. She said to me a great line. She said at some point she was making very bold changes in her marriage, which takes zimma. It takes that it's like a bold action to especially when you've been married for many years to, you know, try to make changes and request changes. So, she she's got a great sense of humor and she um she wrote to her husband the following note. She said, you know, I'm going through this process. As you know, I'm going to someone once a week and I'm working on marriage, working on our marriage. And she then share, which rightfully so, a woman shouldn't share as she's going through the process what's coming up and what she's working on. She should just take the action steps that need to be taken and she can share everything else with another woman if she needs to who will get it, you know. But basically, she came up with this great line. She said, "I'm rebooting our marriage. Some programs will no longer be running and the new ones haven't downloaded yet. So even after decades of marriage, it's never too late for us to make changes. But sometimes that change does require a bold step. So there's always that like moment in time where you're going in one direction and then you're blessed with insight from aeshu. Insight is always from whether it comes from within you or whether it comes from without. But it's always an insight is always from and there's like a moment which you might not even consciously be aware of where suddenly you veer off a little bit and you start a new course. Okay? And and you're now on a little bit of a different path which is going to take you to a completely different place to a much better place. And that always begins with a very small commitment and an action. And very often that first action after the decision made inside of like I want different. I want more. I want deeper. I want closer. We'll often begin with and now how do I include my husband? What do I do with this now? So I want to change our marriage but my husband didn't necessarily have this insight that I just did. How do I make that change? So first of all in marriage right aer kgo as you quoted there's this it's almost like this balancing act going on where when you make change when you take a step to make a change by definition just the fact that you decided to make a change and took a little step towards making a change will shift the dynamic but when something more isa is needed and you need to take that first step very often that first step will be verbally communicating to your husband So, let's start with the example of wanting to spend more time together, which is something that women struggle with all the time. Women might reach out to me because they're feeling just like a loss, like this loss of excitement. The spark is gone. Everything feels like a chore. Things that are meant to feel connecting feel like a to-do list. And just this like like life is gone. And very often that first step, we'll notice we'll try to track, you know, when did you lose that spark? What happened? When did the light go out? And very often it'll become very apparent to us in the first session already that we used to spend more time together and then barashm like happened and we don't spend as much time together. Time is a need for many women just to spend some time together and bond. So very often the first bold step will be communicating to the husband your need for spending more time. And if you've settled into a certain rut and you've been like that for five months, five years or five decades, it's going to be very hard to just come to your husband one day and say, "Uh, can we spend some time together?" Now, some women will have an easier time doing this. And for other women, the question will be at the tip of their tongue 10 times a day for 37 days before they can actually get it out. So this is where I encourage encourage women to be bold. Meaning not to be afraid to take that step and come to your husband and request more time. Request planning time together. Meaning not just leaving it up to well if by the end of the day we still have and the kids are asleep and everything's in place yeah then we'll go for a walk together. but rather prioritizing it that we are going to build our time around this sacred space that we are going to create of connecting with each other in whatever form a couple chooses to connect and the way to go about that and this is so important I think this is the biggest takeaway I think it goes along with the the notion of the mira she doesn't directly plant the vineyard it's through her actions she's able to then acquire a vineyard that's named on her name because again that energy of strategizing but in such a feminine way. So very often most women we make a mistake when we speak to our husbands. We go into language and we start to reason. We start to explain to him why we should be spending more time together or we go into we used to spend so much time together. Now, what a husband hears when a woman starts explaining to him why he should do X, Y, or Z. Even if you say we, he's hearing it as you're a failure. You're a failure, you're a failure, you're a failure, you're a failure. And when a man feels like a failure, when he feels that he's failing to make the woman in his life happy, it shuts him down. Okay? So, either he'll slump and he'll just lose that masculine energy, that tall, erect masculine energy. So he'll slump or he'll shut down or he'll defend, right? He's not going to turn around and say, "Oh, my dear lovely wife, let's go for a walk right now." It doesn't open that energy in him. So when a woman is talking brain to brain, which brain is always masculine, the mo is always the masculine, like kama, like the sun is masculine, we go brain to brain. That's when we lose the discussion before we even started. The way for a woman to communicate these needs, especially when she's coming and trying to make a change, is to go from the heart. What would that look like? Instead of coming to her husband and rationalizing and explaining to him why they should be spending time together, she comes with a very simple request. I miss walking with you. It would make me so happy if we go for a walk tonight. Can we? And that opens in a man naturally his masculine desire to give to the woman. It makes him feel full of the ability to give. It makes them feel like this woman here trusts that I can fill her. And that's a game changer when we learn to communicate like that. You know, I can't make guarantees or promises, but I've just seen this happen so many times. When we learn to be in that state of anova, of sharing a desire and a wish from our heart without explaining anything, almost without fail, husbands are going to turn around and give the wife what she requested. So, it's a vulnerable place of being willing to ask. But when you ask that way, very often the answer will be yes. >> That's beautiful. I I I can't thank you enough, Aggy. feel like you took this whole puzz and reframed it in my mind of what Zamama could be, what Zumama is, what a field is in our lives and what a vineyard is in our lives. I can't thank you enough for enlightening us with this idea of being feminine planners and still showing up and just being. And for me, I can say that the biggest thing that I took from this is the co- of planning, but also being and learning how to balance the two. So, thank you so much. And if you're interested in hearing more from Fagie, we're going to have a link in the show notes to sign up for her emails as well as another link which will allow you to access her courses. And if you want to reach out to now, you can reach out at officeunblockyouway.co.il. has many, many things to offer. I love reading her emails and we can't thank you enough. Thank you so so much. Please reach out and email us with any questions or thoughts. We would love to hear from you. Stay tuned for some more good vibes.