Getting Ready For Bein Hazmanim

I was at a khaseneh last night. Beautiful khaseneh. And I was an aid kiddushin. And there's this funny little relationship that happens when you have two aidem that by definition are not krovim. And they meet each other for the first time as aidem. And then you're told to also be there for aid yichud. So you have to stand awkwardly outside of the yichud room getting to know this guy because there's nothing else to do. You can't move. However many minutes the mesader kiddushin decides. So during those, in this case, 7 minutes that we were standing there, so he asked me what I do and I told him what I do and I asked him what he do and he told me he's a rosh yeshiva of a yeshiva somewhere else. And um and it was interesting how quickly the conversation became what are we doing for our talmidim ben hazmanim? Which is so like such a natural place that the conversation went. Because of the recognition of the possibilities for tremendous difficulties over ben hazmanim and for tremendous accomplishments over ben hazmanim. Ben hazmanim is a is a is a pivotal time. And it's the type of time that there's really one simple thing that makes all the difference. Now, I'm not going to just say one simple thing. I'm going to talk for a while. And I'll give you examples and try to pull it apart a little bit. I don't know if I'll fully get to everything in my title today, but we'll see what happens. But this one nekudah and this is a lifelong lesson. If you could do this one nekudah it's a game changer for the rest of your life. And that is that before a new kufa begins to take time with yourself thinking about that skewer that's going to begin. Sounds so simple. And it is shocking how few people do that. This Shabbos, I think some of you may have seen me. I was walking around with the Volvo safer. I finally decided it was time to learn Volvo safer Kinyan Das. Even though I know Shimon that we're in the middle of Amitsis of Shkulus, we're not giving up on that, believe me, either. But but I had never gone through those some of those the mamarim in Kinyan Das or in other places or I may have seen them in his farm, but it's and it was interesting in one of the early shmoozin, you know, that that he has in the safer, he talks about Das, one of the symptoms of a bar Das is someone who considers something before it happens. You know, I mean, for all of you it's pasha to do that before you start shidduchim, right? It's pasha to take time and to think about I'm starting to get a skewer now. Um the truth is that even when it comes to shidduchim, you think about am I ready for shidduchim? Is it time for shidduchim? Like you think about that, but I think sometimes what we don't think about before we start shidduchim is how am I going to [snorts] handle that skewer called shidduchim? Dating, staying connected to Yeshiva, being able to do my responsibilities, the changes in the schedule, the tension, the nervousness of the day of the date, and how will that affect me? You know, to try to think about those things. Does that mean that we always have the solutions? Of course not. Halavi, that would be nice. But even just thinking it through before what the challenges might be, it helps you even if you don't have the solutions. Because it means that when the issues come, you're not shocked by them. And you were expecting them. And it it puts you in a position to be able to better deal with whatever the challenges are. And that then that could lead to tremendous hatzlacha, tremendous tremendous hatzlacha. So, we went away for Shabbos this Shabbos, a beautiful beautiful beautiful precious Shabbos. And And you know, this is something that for me, like I was brought up this way that this is what we do. I spend time on Friday morning thinking about Shabbos. I wasn't thinking about what I was going to say when I speak. I already knew what I was going to say. I was just thinking about Shabbos. And then I wasn't thinking about the logistics of Shimon and I are going through the logistics of how to set up the tables and and how to do the shiur. No, that we were dealing with with the yeshiva. I was thinking about To be To be honest, I was thinking about myself and my wife. Like, how's this Shabbos going to go? Am I going to have time to learn? Probably a limited amount of time to learn. So, what will I learn? What do I need to get done? Yom Tov is coming. I have certain responsibilities. >> [clears throat] >> How can I use set myself up to for success? You know, what about growing on the Shabbos? Being able to have a little menucha on the Shabbos? To open myself up to being able to connect with guys? It's not My I'm naturally an introvert. So, to be open to be turned on the whole Shabbos, to be connecting with guys, is something I have to speak to myself about before. Because it's just not It's not I'm not I'm not, you know, for me, when I go back to my room at night or I go home at night, and you know, I have to kind of recover from a day of interacting with people. Some people, they thrive from a day of interacting with people. That's where they get their energy from. That's an extrovert. Introverts, they need to recover after they spend a lot of time with people. And I'm As much as I'm I interact with people all day, but the essence of that I need to recover from that. So, what do you do in a Shabbos where the whole Shabbos is interacting interacting interacting? What do you do? You think about it before. You find time for yourself. You find You You You You You You think about your mindset. You think about what the goal is, what you want to accomplish over such a Shabbos. And for a person heading into bein hazmanim, this is not limited. This is not a rebbe speaking to talmidim about how to do bein hazmanim. I'm telling you something one Jew to another that's relevant for the rest of your life. When you're making my wife made a cheshbon this morning, that's the 21st time that we made Pesach. We're married for over 30 years, but but it's the 21st time that we made Pesach. We're still I know my wife and I are waiting for the weather to get a little nicer. Well, at some point in the next few days we're going to go on a long walk. And we're going to talk through Pesach. And when I say, "Let's talk through Pesach." She's not going to say, "What?" She's going to know exactly what I mean. We'll talk through who we're having the first days and what are we doing chol hamoed, who we're having the second days, and when are we going to find space for ourselves, and how we're going to deal with if this challenging company, or even if it's the company that we love the most, but it gets very hectic, and we don't want to we don't want to we don't want to have our our nerves frayed. So, what could we do to make How could we be mechazek each other? What What does she think she's going to need from me? What do I think I'm going to need from her? That's a normal thing. It's uncommon, but doesn't it sound like the most normal thing to do? That's a normal thing to do, to think about that. Thinks beforehand. The reason why a baal daas thinks beforehand is because the alternative is going on instinct. And instincts sometimes work and sometimes don't work. And sometimes our instincts get us into a lot of trouble. Because instinctively sometimes we're babies. Do you know what I mean by that? Like instinctively we worry about our egos. Instinctively we don't want to be insulted. Instinctively we need our comfort and our space. Instinctively it's about us. Cuz Cuz there's part of us that that's babies. But when we spend time thinking beforehand, we could transcend our childishness. And we could think about the other people in our lives and our responsibility to give and how we could share ourselves with others and even for ourselves and we can grow and how we could even even have a better time. You'll have a more fun Ben Azai than if you spend time before. So I this what we're doing now is the beginning of it. But the continuation of it is each one of you on your own. Those of you that are married could spend some time on your own and some time with your with your wives talking through the Yom Tov. For the for you know, for those of you that are that are married, maybe this is even more poignant to think about that that um you know, the Layl HaSeder itself the Layl HaSeder itself like is your wife expecting? Is she going to be able to stay up? Are you going to a Seder that's very long? How is she going to handle the Shiurim? Does she want to be able if are you by a Seder where there are a lot of other people and can you have some kind of a one-on-one conversation about Yitziat Mitzrayim and so on despite the broadness of the Seder, you know, things like that. Maybe she hates Maggid. Maybe you married a girl that hates Maggid. It goes on forever and you want to teach her that no, that's the best part of the Seder. Let me reframe that for you. Maybe that's the way it is. Maybe she loves it and you hate it. So maybe you could learn from her. You know, there's a lot that could happen, but the point is the Nekuda is to do this and take this Nekoid Klal Zeh BeYadcha for the rest of your life. Nekoid Klal Zeh BeYadcha, think about it before. Make a plan before. What are we doing? How are we going into this? Let's think about it before. There are people in this room that do that instinctively, but most people don't do that. Most people the summer comes, they land it in the summer. I'm not talking about if I'm going to get an internship or a job. Yeah, that we're thinking about. I'm talking about me. How am I going to grow? How am I going to handle things? What am I going to do when challenges come up? And unfortunately, you know, one of the biggest challenges of all of these types of breaks and everything, of course, is our exposure to technology. And it does need to be discussed, but I I I I shudder to think about the fact that for many guys, that's the whole pre-Bay Zmanim conversation. That's what it is. And it's really so much bigger than that. And it's so much more dignified and so much grander than that. You're a person. You're complex. You worked hard during the Zman. You accomplished things. Maybe for some of us there were also disappointments this Zman. Bay Zman is a time that I can do something. I can accomplish something. It's not going to be perfect, but it's not going to get anywhere if I just go with my instincts without thinking beforehand. So, let's consider. Let's think beforehand. One of the hard things when guys go home for Yom Tov, especially guys like you that are working so hard, you know, that even when you're on half power, you're working hard, because you have very, very, very, you know, intense schedules. You know, many of you are busy from morning until late at night. Like very, very busy. And um one of the challenges that when you get home, you're kind of focused. You're thinking like, "Huh. Like you want to let go." You Like it's it's been hard work, and now I want to be on vacation. I want to let go. And letting go sometimes means letting go even of things that I've accomplished, like Davening with a Minyan, or even just looking after myself a certain way, taking care of myself. Sometimes letting go means more than it should mean. And the problem is that our parents, our siblings, our families, sometimes grandparents even, this is our chance to spend time with them, and it's not just that, some of us have family that aren't super super super thrilled that we're spending spending so much time learning. Some of us have family that are that feel like we'd be doing spoke to a spoke to a back a few days ago over the phone, you know, whose family is like a little critical. They wish you would just get on with your life and do something important. Like why is he learning so much? You know, and when you go home bayn hazmanim, this is a moment of meeting moment, my age, right? It's a meeting moment where it's not just a meeting of people, but it's a meeting of expectations. And your parents are waiting for the help. I'll tell you, I'm I'm a parent of a backroom. Okay, my son is landing in a few hours in New York, baruch Hashem. And um the last few days, though you could imagine this, for the last few days we're like, "Oh, we need to do this. Okay, he's coming home. Okay, we need to do this. Okay, you can imagine that, right? What's going on in the house? You know, these light bulbs need to be changed. This fixture needs to be redone. This door needs to be fixed." What whatever's going on, he's the one he's the magician in the house, you know? We're waiting for him to come home. He's going to come home. He's a great kid, so he's not going to do this. In fact, he's going to be running the house 10 seconds in. But, you know, some guys come home, they're like, "First, I need to sleep for a week. Wake me up in a week." You know, "You you have a list of things for me to do. Do you know I've been working hard the whole zman?" There's a clash there. I always compare it to the someone pointed this out to me when I was very young, and it's such a smart thing. You know that there's this unfortunate minig in [clears throat] the Orthodox Jewish community in New York of going to bungalow colonies in the summer. >> [cough] [clears throat] >> The unfortunate part of the minig is not that people go to bungalow colonies, that's wonderful. It's that the husband stay behind from Monday through Thursday or Monday through Friday and families are apart from each other. It's not always the healthiest thing. And those that it is the healthiest thing means it's not such a healthy family. So, either way you lose. Um So, the husband's is away the whole the whole week and hopefully for the early husband who's living his life the way he should, he's home without his wife, he's lonely. He's fending for himself. He's eating cereal for supper, you know. He you know, he's or he's going out to eat whatever grabbing things fast food. He's getting up in the morning, davening, learning, work, coming home, work, did 10 things his wife told me he has to bring to the country with him he better not forget. You know, like that's the he's doing that the whole week. Some of you know that life. And then on Friday he gets home and his wife in the meantime is in the country. Okay, back in the day it was a small mouse-infested bungalow. Nowadays people have houses in the country, too. So, she's in her house in the country could be. But, either way, even if she's in her house, she's all alone, she doesn't have her husband. Usually he does bedtime. Usually he does baths. Usually he takes out the garbage. You know, she usually has that companionship that he's there. And it's true nowadays with technology we're kind of always connected. But, we're we're always connected and we're not connected at all. You know what I mean? And she's waiting the whole week for her husband to come home. And to just be able to say can you take this kid? You know, that one kid that seems to like be an appendage on her on her hip because she can't put him down. And she's taking care of him the whole week and he's crying. He's waking up in the middle of the night and and he wakes up multiple times in the middle of the night and she can't ask her husband to do it a single time and he's sleeping peacefully at home in his empty house without any kids there. So, she's like jealous of him and waiting for him to come home to save her. And he's jealous of her. She's sitting by the pool. She's in the country. She doesn't have to work. She goes walking with her friends. She's, you know, she's living it up. And he's in the hot city working hard. You see what's coming, right? You know, Thursday night or Friday afternoon, he comes back and she like shoves a laundry basket into his hands and he's like, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to play pickleball." You know, and there's boom, World War III, you know, because of the meeting not of two people, but of two expectations. Wouldn't it be smart if on Thursday while he's driving to the country, he picked up the phone and said to his beloved wife, "We have a meeting of expectations about to happen and it might not go well. Let's talk about it. I'm feeling worn out from the week and I know you are also. How can we do this weekend right?" Could you imagine? He comes in, she's like, "You help me for a couple of hours. I know you need to to you know, you'll you'll you'll go play pickleball pickleball and go swimming and so on and so forth soon. Help me with bedtime and then you'll go out, you know, whatever." And like and suddenly this shalom bayit is happening and this interacting happening. Thinking is important. When you get home bein hazmanim, there's a clash of expectations. My son is coming home. My pride, my nachas. And for some for some people it's, you know, "What's he been doing the whole zman? What's he been doing with himself? What kind of a man is he turning into?" And when he comes home and he's just like, "I'm going to sleep. Don't wake me up." You know, it doesn't give that aura of the godless, of the of the dignity of a ben Torah. On the other hand, guys are coming home, you are worn out. You are exhausted. And it's something that you need to think about. How to how to balance that? Those of you that have wonderful relationships with your parents, and many of you do, it's something even to talk about. I'm coming home, I'm going to be chilling out a little, but what do you need? To have the same thing like a husband and wife could have that conversation. Guys could have that conversation with their parents when it's appropriate to do that, you know? Um and and when when it doesn't work, when the parents are not the type or it's not that type of personality or environment to do that, to make a plan yourself. What am I doing? But it's important to present yourself, even how you dress and how you take care of yourself. There is I know it's your own house. I know you're going into the bedroom you grew up in perhaps, some of us. You know, but but but it's not it's it's it's you know, that there's there's there are people there that that that are reactive to to how you carry yourself. Carry yourself with dignity. Be put together. Clean up after yourself, you know, you know, and so on. The other thing when when when guys go home bein hazmanem is the relationship part, and this is hard. This is not always easy. Okay, so I'm going to start with the easy part of that part, but then I'm going to get to the hard part. And that's like this. The um the opportunity here, when you get home bein hazmanem, is to lean into the relationships with people in your family that you're not able to focus in on the same way. Um some of you have parents that maybe you were closer to when you were younger. Some of you have parents that don't do such a great job just because of their personality, not a taina, or your your personality, of keeping that connection while you're away, even if you have phones, even if you're FaceTiming. It's just hard to do that. And bein hazmanem is an opportunity to spend time with your father again. And to to do stuff with him that he likes to do. And to and to talk to him. So don't feel like if he's sitting by the table eating something and you're sitting there, don't busy yourself. This is an opportunity it's very important to know this and this is something I'm not saying this to you as musser, I'm saying this to you that this is an opportunity. There's nobody as life goes on and we get older and our parents get older, there's nobody that regrets that they maintained a good relationship with their parents. Nobody regrets that. But the other way there are a lot of people that regret. So your your your your mother is in the kitchen cooking or she's doing something and you can just go in and say can I help or just schmooze while she's doing it. Those that schmoozing is not wasting time. Don't get on your phone. Don't say what am I doing? I'm wasting my time here. You're not wasting your time when you spend time schmoozing with your parents. This is this is the moment. This is the connection time. We are too busy, aren't we? We're too busy. We get home bein hazmanim, you come home from davening, you're eating breakfast, your mother's in the kitchen or your father's around, it's a Sunday, you know, he's sitting by the table, he's reading a paper or he's doing something. Sit down. Schmooze. Have a coffee with him. Take a walk. Those things are important parts of kibbud av v'em and they're important parts of of of of creating a relationship that's only healthy and beneficial for you moving forward. Okay. Unfortunately, not everyone has the healthiest family situation. But to the extent that we could do this, to the extent that we have parents in our lives that are that we can reach out to, even if they're very different than us, even if they have different values than us sometimes, even if they sometimes are critical of us, but if we could lean into that and try to connect with them, that's an accomplishment over bein hazmanim. I think a lot of guys look at it as one of the nuisances of bein hazmanim. But it's not, it's an accomplishment of bein hazmanim that I resparked that I furthered my relationship. Also, you you know, sometimes guys leave their relationships childish with their parents. They never develop a certain maturity in the relation You're You're back as an adult. You come back and have adult conversations with them and ask them how things are going by them and what's doing at work and and how are things going? It could be a very valuable thing. And by the way, it's not just true about parents, it's true about siblings as well. This is an opportunity to reconnect with siblings. You have a sister at home. How much time have you spoken to her? How much time are you you know what's going on by her? Maybe your sister is in 10th grade and um and you know there's there's maybe 0% uh similar interests or world because a 10th grade girl just wrapped up completely in her own life and her own own drama and whatever's going on, but you're a big brother. Schmooze with her. Ask her what's happening. How's she doing with her friends? How's she doing in school? Listen to her go on and on and on about her teacher that she can't stand or about her test that are too hard or about school which is boring or whatever it is, you know, you know, this is an opportunity. These are relationships that are for life and they're worth it. And one day she won't be in 10th grade. One day she'll be married with a few kids and a reliable sister that you could have a connection with and her husband will be a reliable brother that you could have a connection with. This is an opportunity to be that connection. Rabbi say that's the easy part of the relationship part. But there's a much harder part. And when I say this, I hope I'm not speaking to everyone. But I know for sure I'm speaking to many people when I say this. Families have difficulties. Some families have difficulties. Some families have a parent that's anxious or depressed. Some families have massive financial difficulties and they're stressed because of that. Some families have stress because other siblings aren't doing well. They're going through a divorce or they're or they're or they're not well or something and parents are occupied or the family's occupied with that. And when you go to Yeshiva, it's a welcome break from the harsh realities of some of the difficult stuff that's going on at home. Maybe your friends in Yeshiva, even your Abba and might not know those difficulties. Maybe there are things that you can't say or you're not willing to say or not comfortable saying. But there's stuff going on at home and one of the things that happens when guys go home is that they get hit again with the depth of the difficulties that are going on in their homes and that could be very overwhelming and difficult. Like in a certain sense like you forgot. You forgot about that uh how hard that was. You forgot about that depression. You forgot about that illness. You forgot about that tension, you know, and so on. And that's a that's an overwhelming thing to come home to. Um I wish I had a solution for that that was just like, "Well, here's what you do, A, B, and C." Of course, I don't have a solution for that, but I think just being aware of it before and knowing that that's going to happen could help you prepare for it to try to be as compassionate as possible and at the same time to try not to get swallowed up by it. You know, that it shouldn't wrap you completely. It We're not being It's interesting the balance to not care and to not be affected and to shut our hearts down. I was talking to a woman on the phone yesterday and she said, "Maybe I should do with this the way I do with most things which is to lock it into a box and throw away the key." No. First of all, it's impossible. That's you know, she thinks it's possible. It's not possible. And second of all, um no, that's not uh We're we're we're we have feelings for a reason and we're mishtatef and we're nosei b'oil um chavero and we participate in our in our families' difficulties and we're part of our families and it's something that we have to we we lean into. But what's also not selfless to become full so full of despair and so full of pain that we lose our own lives. Chayyecha kodmin, you have to be a Chayyecha kodmin is not a selfishness thing. When it says Chayyecha kodmin, your life comes first, it's not because we're selfish. It's because the only way that we have the capacity to be there for the people around us is if we take care of ourselves. You know, like on the airplane when it says to put the mask on yourself before you put it on other people. You know why it says that? It's not because the the airplane industry is not paskening Chayyecha kodmin, they don't care. It's because you're not going to get the mask on the other one if you're then both people die. It's because in order for you to be functioning on optimum level, you need to be safe. Then you could function. >> [cough] >> And that's true [clears throat] emotionally, also. So, this is hard. It It's so hard that it's hard for me to even say. Is that some of us are going home to situations that are difficult. And when you're going home to a situation that's difficult, there's a nisayon and a avodah of participating and connecting with it, but not getting lost in it and being able to still do my thing may and this and this is the a major accomplishment of of of thinking things through before. How am I handling that? What am I going home to? How many guys walk through the door and they're like, "Oh, right." Not that they really forgot, but just like if you're not thinking about it, then it just like hits you. >> [cough] >> Think about it before. How are you handling this? And even if you don't have Again, like I wish we could just say, "Here are the things, you know, an easy one, two, three and this is how you deal with it." Obviously, it's not that way, but just having thought about it before already is a major a major major thing. Um guys that work very, very hard during his man, a lot of times is like a boomerang effect where they feel like they can't do anything Ben Azmanem. It's very, very, very hard to motivate themselves to do stuff Ben Azmanem. And when guys don't do anything Ben Azmanem, it's usually pretty destructive. So, we need to be able to balance that and to be able to accomplish. I want to encourage everyone to not go into a Ben Azmanem that's just going to be filled with guilt, filled with I really should. There are people in this room who are going into Ben Azmanem thinking of I really should learn 6 hours a day. And you're not going to. And you're not going to because partially because Ben Azmanem is very, very busy. And how many things have you pushed off till when you get home? And how many things you have to take care of and your families have expectations and so on and so forth. And it's practically it's hard to do a lot. But sometimes it's also emotionally you're pushing yourself. What what We know those last few days before Ben Azmanem on some level, you [snorts] know, I don't know how much the Rosh Yeshiva understands this cuz I get the feeling that he's just totally in immersed in Talmud Torah 24 hours a day, days a week because not Tisha B'Av, of course, except that he learns in his family before they eat on Motzei Tisha B'Av as he announced on Shabbos. So, um so you know, so I I I I don't know how comfortable I'd be saying this to him. But and Baruch [clears throat] Hashem we're fortunate to have a Rosh Yeshiva that we have that dugma of him and we should all be zocheh to be able to be that way. But for today, I think we also have to accept our humanity and I'm sure he would have be okay with me saying that. We have to accept our He even said on Did you hear him say on Shabbos that guys should sleep? Did you hear that? >> Yeah. >> That was a little surprising, no? Usually we hear shmuessen about how we should not sleep. It was inter- I found it very interesting. But I even brought it up to him yesterday. But uh he said that to not everyone is able to go without sleep. He said that. What? Yeah. Yeah. It was on Shabbos. Unfortunately, we can't actually you know you know. So But in any event some of us are going through the last days of this man running on fumes and you're pushing yourselves. There are guys in my sheer and those of you that are in other sheer as well that they're pushing themselves every day to come to sheer and I see that it's not easy. It's hard and and and and midterms are coming up and and it's not it's not easy. Ben Azman comes a lot of times like the parts of us that were like pushing themselves and squeezing themselves to do the job until break when the break comes like boom they they like it forces that break and it makes it hard to motivate ourselves to do. Be aware that that is part of your personality. Don't make massive expectations. What ends up happening is like this. You come home, let's say you get home. I'm not sure what the plan is here by the way. I'm not sure what the story is. I think the first day of officially a break is Thursday. Okay, of next week. Of next week, okay? Which is a full week longer than any Yeshiva in the world. Come out. Come out. Klein Berlin goes a little bit into Nisan also. But um So next Thursday, I'm not sure what the story is. It could I'm not sure if Wednesday I'm not sure if the Mashgiach will give a shmooze on Wednesday. I'm not sure how I'm not sure how next week is going to work out exactly. But let's assume the first day you're home is Thursday. Let's assume you went home on Wednesday, okay? You wake up Thursday morning in your own bed, okay? And and you told yourself that you're going to go to a 8:00 Shacharis and then you're going to learn for 2 or 3 hours, and then you're going to start taking your errands for Yom Tov. You had a plan. And your plan to wake up for 8:00 Shacharis quickly has a quick demise cuz you wake up at 9:00. Okay, cuz you're very tired cuz you just got home cuz it was a late night cuz you're on you know, whatever because your sibling just came home from Israel because you Whatever it was cuz you were up late with your family cuz you Whatever it is, you're back home cuz traveling the day before. So, you go to shul and then you're like, "Okay, I'm not going to I'm not going to start learning right now. I'm I'm just not I just I didn't even unpack yet." So, you go home and that day is over. You're gone. It's like you know that sinking feeling? Do you have that? That sinking feeling like 6:00, 7:00 p.m. where you're like, "Oh, no. I think today is almost over." You know, like I had big plans for today. You know, and then it comes to the end of the day and you're like, "Okay, tomorrow is going to be the beginning of my bein hazman." But tomorrow's Friday. I mean, think about it. It is Friday. I'm not going to get that much done. I have to get ready for So, Sunday. Sunday. But you know, but the kids are By the time you're really ready to start your bein hazman it was Erev Pesach and then it's Erev Pesach. And then it's Yom Tov and Yom Tov throws us off completely and then Chol HaMoed, of course, is completely thrown off. By the time your whole big plan of everything you're going to do bein hazman, you you're you're ready to implement that after Yom Tov, but then then we're coming back already. So, it just doesn't happen. Does this story sound familiar to anybody besides for me in this room? This is This is the story, right? So, I wanted to tell you the the the clalim that help you overcome this. First of all, the things that you're being mechayev yourself to do, you have to have in your mind a a a absolute necessity and if I'm able to. There needs to be two categories in your mind. So, absolute necessity I need to do um X amount of learning chazarah, Pesach, whatever it is. This is an thing. I want to do minyanim, you know, But whatever you decide each person kaf theme, you know, where they're up to to decide what my absolute thing is, but don't just leave it with that and then the rest of the time I'm not doing anything. Have a if I really would like to do and have another thing. I would call it a plan A and plan B, but it's not really plan A and plan B. It's really vital and almost vital. Vital and secondary importance, okay? And it could be the secondary importance won't happen. It could be it won't, but it's much more likely to happen if you're doing the vital because then it's easy it's always easy to continue something than to start something. Do you hear what I'm saying? So, what you need to do is you need to have that you need to starve your maser nefesh for what's vital the minute you arrive home, you're in that schedule. Okay? You cannot say, "Okay, I'm I know it's bein hazmanim. I said I was going to do this bein hazmanim, but today is only the first day." If you do that, you are saying goodbye to your bein hazmanim plan. Okay? Bein hazmanim is not that long in this yeshiva, it's really not that long. Okay? It's over before it starts. I I give the same speech with some of you might remember. I give the same speech with before the summer even though that's longer. It just doesn't There's no day that you're like, "Oh, today is a great day." Whatever it is, it's going to you're going to be exhausted, you're going to be disoriented, you're going to feel overwhelmed. The vital things that you want to do your maser nefesh to do from day one, make them short, make them doable, and don't miss a day. And then you'll be very, very successful bein hazmanim because seder bein hazmanim is very, very important, but you have to understand what seder means cuz if you're setting up a schedule, a a ganz a schedule bein hazmanim, it's not for most mortal human beings. I don't want to say for everyone, but for most mortal human beings, it's not going to work and then and and once you set up too big of a schedule and it doesn't work, there's no schedule at all. So, set up the basic structure that has to work, keep it simple, allow spaces, allow gaps, allow flexibility, and you'll see hatzlacha. I've seen it, you know, with my own children, with myself, with other people. I've seen it done right and I've seen it done wrong. And I'm telling you this is a key key thing. I told you this last year also before bein hazmanim, and it's very very important, and that is to try to the best of your ability to daven in one place. Not only to daven in one place, but to daven in one place in that place. To try to have a seat. Many of us don't have seats anymore by the time we go home because we spend so much time away from home. Try to find a makom if you can, a place and a place that you daven in. It's not totally Is that you know, maybe you'll have a difference between weekday and and yontif, maybe you have a place your family goes on yontif, but during the week you go here. I'm not saying this has to be absolute, but a certain sense of this is my makom is very important. You see in yeshiva the difference. You know, those of us that have a clear makom to to learn in and to daven in, it's just more successful than if we're always looking over our shoulder trying to figure out where to sit. You know, it just doesn't It's not the same kvius. Kol hakoveya makom litfilasai, chazal say, Elokei Avraham be Ezra. There's something to be koveya makom litfilasai, and I would add that it's true for learning as well. I'm not applying chazal to learning. Chazal is very meduyak, but but the concept is true for learning also, to have your place. Have You don't go to a different place every day unless that's your specific bein hazmanim chill, but you know, don't randomly go to a different place every day. Go to, you know, have your place that you learn and your place that you daven. I think it's important if possible for guys to daven with their fathers if it's possible. Not always possible, and not every father values it, and so on, so you have to know your own situation, but otherwise just make Try to have a makom in a place where you daven. It just feels different. I see it. I'm the rav of a shul. I see the bottom that come in, you know, like there's one bottom in particular that they know he's he must be in 11th grade or something. A young young kid. Okay, comes to my shoe in the morning and his father is like in and out in the shoe. His father doesn't even dive in the shoe all the time. But then it's my name he dives in the shoe. Not only does he dive in the shoe, he dives in a specific seat. And not only does he dive in a specific seat, but he comes to every single shoe over there in the morning. It's like his thing. Like I'm his ready in the morning. That kind of thing. And we've developed a beautiful relationship because of that. He doesn't He doesn't learn here. He doesn't learn in the water by a shoe either. But it's like a man in the morning relationship. And he has a market and he has a place and he asks me questions on the shoe afterwards. He made it his career. Good for him. Good for him. He has a good smack in the morning. He's not there every day in the morning. But when he's there, he's there. It's very nice. And even my off shoe in the morning does that. It's very nice. And you'll find it you'll find it in my shoe also. And by the way, on that note, if there's a rub of your shoe when you come back in the morning and you walk into your shoe, you go over to the rub and say shalom aleichem. I'm back in the morning and you say something. The rub is not the plumber. Okay, he's the rub in the shoe and I would like to think that you're in shoes with the rub in the shoe cares that you're back. You know, and and it's meaningful to him. So go over, introduce yourself and you'll feel more grounded and welcome and at home knowing that you went in and you said you said hi. You connected with the rub. You you you spoke to him. And it'll lend itself to other conversations that could be very very important as well. Rabbi say I feel like I barely scratched the surface right now. But it's at least a start for plans in the morning. We did not talk about technology which I started with. I don't know if we need to like worry about technology. You know, like I don't know if we need to. It's like pretty obvious challenge. Um and and we didn't talk specifically about I think there was one time that we had a sheer specifically on Yuntiff meals and dealing with different kinds of relatives and things by Yuntiff meals. But I think for today I think it's at least a good hackadama to getting ready for for bein hazmanim. And hopefully hopefully I don't know how many of you will still be here. I don't know what the plan is. But hopefully we'll continue next Tuesday be'ezras Hashem.