G-d, Can You Give Me a Break? Must I Always Be Connected to You?

Okay, first of all, welcome everybody. Welcome back after our break for our new semester of learning. And I want to begin by uh wishing and blessing everybody that you should have your most amazing year yet to you and all of your loved ones with abundance materially and spiritually revealed blessings and everything that you desire and everything you need for in you individually and all of us collectively and ultimately a year of true victory and a year of true redemption. Amen. And thank you all for gracing us and welcome back. Very very um great to be here and to see everybody and thank you for being here. May Hashem grace us all that uh our new semester of learning should begin with a uh uh a true uh ability to be able to all of us be channels and ambassadors of uh the infinite life light and love and hope and healing and redemptive consciousness for ourselves and our environment and ultimately all of our people and the whole world. So today's class is dedicated by the Bernstein family in honor of the birthday of Sarah Liba Basa. Happy birthday. Many more happy and healthy years. And also in loving memory of her father Isra who Mel Bernstein who was a beloved husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather whose life was filled with meaning and impact, a devoted math professor for over 50 years. I would have failed that class. He inspired others through both of his teachings and his example. He taught that every problem has a solution. That's what math is all about. Never give up. Work hard for what you want. Treasure what matters most. Love unconditionally. Laugh deeply. And always chase your dreams. May his nama have an elevation and be a source of love and inspiration to the entire family. Thank you very very much. Also today's class is dedicated by Kani and Israen Kaplan in celebration of the marriage of Khani's son Mendel Jankovitz to Cran Reber may you have an amazing life and maztov maztov thank you very very much so there's one source sheet today um and uh always the source sheets are uploaded on the yeshiva.net net where the class is also available if you want to retrieve it afterwards or share it with friends. So somebody someone sent me an interesting question. Someone sent me an email with a question that I want to address today. It's a question that people ask and it really helps us um zoom in to a deeper layer of reality and that is the person said you know today if you look around or you read any sources you see that the month of El is considered a very significant month. El is seen as a completely different type of month. The month of cha the month of a month of introspection a month of preparation for the new year etc. But if you look at original in our original sources for example in Mishnayas or Gomorrah there's no mention of uh the significance of the month of L and everything we do in L are customs hagim really that were added in later generations whether it's blowing of the or the different customs that people have in the month of they add in sodaka they add in they add in they add in these are all things that came about throughout the generations but usually much much later and the person asked me they said you know if Ell is so uh profound and so significant like fine it's not mentioned in or but even in like there's no mention that in Elo this should be that should be the one thing we know about is it says inashi brings it that moherenu went up on the mountain either the 29th of or the first day of and he was there the last 40 days and he came down on yipper with the second tablets and that's why it's called harame It's days of compassion. So that's a story that happened with Rabenu. But the whole enshrinement of L as a absolutely unique month happens much much later in Jewish history. First want to know what's the what's the significance of that? Does it mean it's not original? Doesn't mean it's not so authentic. It doesn't come from the original sources. Like why is it from way back? This is what this person asked me and it's a it's an it's an interesting question. The bal asks a similar question a different style and says that says that in we have what's called the revelation of the which is why the begin and during the we say many times the 13 attributes of compassion you know starts beforeashan actually this year it's much longer because of the way the calendar is set up So says because in you have what's called the revelation of the the 13 attributes of compassion and that's why that's what makes it a special month. So the balat asks a question. So why is it not a yamt? Usually days in which there's a special revelation of holiness that's what we call holy days. There's a calling of holiness whether it's shabas or yamt. And in even though you have such a high revelation of which is compared in some ways to which is also the revelation of it's besides the shabas the shabasum in the rest of is considered regular mundane days. We say, we confess, work is done and it's more or less regular days. So on one hand, if it's such a powerful and holy month, why is it not a Y? And that's where he gives a very famous metaphor that has become very uh very often quoted in the Jewish world known as the king in the field. Melik Bas the source of that is I think we also spoke about it last year. It's from the Balatanya. It's the first source. I want to read it with you inside. It's a very interesting metaphor. The answer why is not enshrined in our calendar as a with all the laws of a holiday is will be understood with a metaphor there was a king there was a mushel of a king before he comes to the city all the people of the city go out and welcome the face of the king in the field and then there is permission whoever wants to go out and welcome him. Everybody is granted access. There's no protect there's no uh special connections needed, no appointments needed. Whoever wants you can go and meet him. And he greets everybody with a pleasant countenance with a glowing face. and displays a face of of laughter, of joy, of playfulness to everybody. Then he goes to the city. They follow him. And then when he comes to his own sanctuary to the chamber of his palace, then one needs permission to go in. Not even everybody can get permission. It's only special people who are have access to the king. And this is a metaphor to understand the uniqueness of in which we go out to welcome Hashem in the field. What's the nature of this metaphor? When he said this discourse, this was a time that monarchy was very very powerful and dominant. They lived in Russia. You had their uh the thesar, his name was Paul at the time. This is uh 1797 and uh I think it was Zar Paul for those who knows Russian history. So metaphors of kings and monarchs were very very prevalent and very very powerful and dominant. They resonated because that's what people lived with. Today we live a little in a different climate in a different culture. So the metaphor was it wasn't nobody could see the king. Nobody could see the desire to go in for an appointment. First of all, you had to have permission. And to get permission, you could wait a long time. But even to get permission, who are even you to get a permission that itself required tremendous connections and it was basically those unique individuals who had access. That's all when he's in his chamber, when he's in his conf the confinement of his palace. If you go to her, the her what's it called in Petersburg? The hermitage. >> You ever saw those palaces that they live in? They lived there. The Hermitage in Petersburg is an experience to see. It's like wow. I mean the just the art just the artwork before everything else you know besides the space the gardens something incredible. So who had access to it but then there was that time period that the king decides he wants to be one of the people wants to come out to the field so to speak and then all the limits are off. Whoever wants comes you have to want. Nobody's forcing you. The king is dressed like everybody. He's like, so to speak, one of the boys, one of the people, one of the subjects. So even Joe Schmo, Joe the plumber has equal access conversation. And it's a different nature. It's a different type of relationship. The king is dressed differently. He's in a different space and therefore it's a different mindset. So if somebody doesn't want, they don't want. But if somebody wants, he says anyone who wants could go greet him. And from his side he welcomes everybody with tremendous pleasantness. It's a different type of relationship that's displayed means like a face of laughter like it's a face of laughter of joy of delight to everybody. This is the answer why is not a yam. What's what's the answer? The explanation of the answer is shabis and yumpt. In order to absorb the revelation of those days, we need to disengage from the regular day-to-day activities, even the clothes that we wear, the table that we set in the house, the meals that we have, the disengagement from all physical creative work on Shabas and Yam. Of course, y besides cooking and the few things we do for the food, that is not just a law. It's essential to the energy of the day in order to be able to absorb the holiness of Shabas and Yumpt where there's a revelation of holiness. The person needs to get dressed up so to speak, not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically. If I'm going into an appointment with the king, I can't just come straight from the field into the appointment. I go bathe. I dress up right there. You know, you're going to everybody know you're going to it's not like I'm going to my desk, etc. And as a result of that, has all of these different requirements of how we celebrate these days. In ll there's also a tremendous revelation, but it's of a completely different nature. The nature is I'm coming into the field. Hashem says I'm coming to where you are. Don't get dressed up to come into the palace. I'm coming into the field with the farmers. In Russia, they were called the peasants. I'm coming into you to the mundane people, the regular people, and if you want, we can hang out together. So one doesn't need to divest and strip themselves from their garments physically or conceptually, emotionally or spiritually in order to be able to detect and absorb the energy of Ell because it's a whole different type of energy. The king is inside the field. I want to meet you where you are right here, right now in your regular daytoday patterns and behaviors in your regular garments, in your regular decorum, in what is a routine day for every single person. And it gives the ability to the person to greet and reach out and connect to Hashem to the king to the ultimate king in the month of L in the field. And that's why even though there's such a revelation of it's a different type of revelation it's in the field and that's why it is not a that's his answer in. Now let's take this one step deeper and and see really what he's saying here on a deeper level unraveling it and the way it applies to us and it has tremendous relevance of how we understand and appreciate really experience the energy of this time of the year and how it impacts us throughout the entire year. If you really look at it, the calendar, the Jewish calendar is set up in a very interesting way. And we say that the month of L is a preparation for the new year, right? It's a summation of the old one. But it's also a preparation and we prepare for the new year which begins on. So many ways you could compare L to the month of education. The idea of kin is educating a child that when he or she reaches the age of adulthood maturity, it used to be 12 or 13. Today I think it's three or four. But so what is the idea of is what we call prep. It's a preparation. That's what the mitzvah of is when the rabbi said to educate your child with different mitzvah. idea is it's a prep to time of preparation in order for adulthood to be able to hopefully develop appropriately and on different levels. In many ways, lol is the month of for the new year even for adults because there's a new year coming and we prepare for it. We're growing into it. We're we're we're anticipating it. We're approaching it. When we when it comes to education, we see a very interesting thing and that is the has 630 mitzvah. You would think one of those mitzvah should be to educate your children, but there's no mitzvah of the rabbis gave a mitzvah of education. Educate your child whether it's in saying whether it's in saying schma whether it's any mitzvah whether it's dening we have a mitzvah father should teach children but teach in terms of practice and observance there's no such mitzvah in the it's a very interesting thing the rabbis put in a mitzvah of that when a child is age appropriate it's good to educate them with mitzvah which is what we do whether it's shaking lulv whether it's whether it's hearing whatever the mitzvah is whether it's benching after you eat, whether it's saying before you eat. So this is all but biblically one of the there's no mitzvah of and the commentators are perplexed by it. It's a funny thing such a fundamental thing if I don't educate if you don't educate children when it comes 13 suddenly he's obligated in all of the mitzvah but he never did it or she's obligated in all of the mitzvah but she never did it. So now starts a whole training period. So why doesn't the Torah obligate the mitzvah of it's the rabbis? It's what's called a mitzvah. The Gmorra says in many places in Nazic injunction just like other rabbitic injunctions which was added later in Jewish. It's not biblical. It's not. What's the explanation in this? So some say well it's obvious. Yeah. It's obvious if you don't train them how they going to know how to do it. I mean if you want to if you want to if you want to play a game and and know what you're doing you have to train. I mean anything is that way. The Tory also doesn't say that uh when it talks about film it doesn't say go go and you have to skin the ep the the skin of the of the cow and develop it into parchment. Obviously if you're going to make fillin you have to make parchment and if you're going to make kesh shabas so yeah you have to get wine you need grapes you need to squeeze the grapes. But the truth is over there it's just technical preparations. But here the education of children is not just to prep them for adulthood. So you could say yeah it's obvious that itself the and the mitzvah of children have tremendous tremendous significance and power. In fact the garra says that in many ways it's more powerful than adults. The breath that comes from people from children with all their innocence and all their purity. So if so, if if it's it's such a powerful thing to tell mitzvah of children, not just to prep them as a technical necessity, but it's an objective in and of itself, why wouldn't it be a mitzvah? One of the very very powerful explanations that I heard about this I heard this from the rebb from the labb was shabim 1988 as an introduction to the whole idea of el is for this we have to understand what a mitzvah means sometimes something is not a mitzvah not because it's not important but it's higher than what we call a mitzvah it's deeper than a mitzvah and we'll explain uh there was a big question among commentators ers if amuna is a mitzvah is believing in hashem a mitzvah the ram says that the mitzvah is to know to learn about it to understand not to believe and uh the banel the commentator has explained why does he say that something very interesting if you say there's a mitzvah to believe in hashem right you hear the problem with that there's a mitzvah to believe who gave you the mitzvah oh hashem So, so you have to believe in Hashem before the mitzvah, right? Hashem gave you a mitzvah to believe in Hashem. But one second, the mitzvah is to believe in Hashem. So, who gave me that mitzvah? So, saying there's a mitzvah to believe in Hashem is really saying that there's something which is a prerequisite for the mitzvah. So, I tell you, I'm commanding you to do so and so. Who is the one commanding? I don't even know they exist. Oh, that's part of the mitzvah. So, that's why the mafar say understood you can't make that a mitzvah. That's that's the foundation of all the mitzvah. If if I don't have that, so the whole concept of a commandment, an instruction, a directive, a creator, the whole thing doesn't apply. The same is true. We have for example something known as right everybody heard the word accepting the yoke of the kingdom of heaven. Accepting Hashem as our meal. It's interesting. It's not a mitzvah. There's no mitzvah anywhere from the 600 mitzvah. You know why? Very simple. That's the prerequisite for all the mitzvah. If I give you a mitzvah, there's a mitzvah. You should accept Hashem as your king. Who's giving this mitzvah? I don't know why why should I listen to this mitzvah? So this first this is something that comes before the mitzvah. So it's not that it's not significant. On the contrary, it's higher. It's the prerequisite. It's the unspoken foundation behind all the mitzvah. If there's no amuna, so then what what's this whole mitzvah about? If there's no so that's the beginning that's the first domino from which everything can emerge. Without that nothing could be built. That's why they say that >> of used to say that doesn't say clearly it's a mitzvah and depression is not called a sin but what depression will do no sin will do to you and what joy will do nothing else will do. Yeah it's also a very similar idea. So accepting the yoke of hashem this is like the prerequisite. Oh, I'm your melab there's a very famous story that uh you know every shabas but there's a whole niggan around it and then during the 10 days we changed fromb to mishb so they say of klinin he's known as iron hagaron of klinin um He was a student of the mag of misri and once I know if you know stolen they scream by dining I don't know if you ever had an opportunity to hear but the whole dingha they scream very very loud so if you're hard of hearing it's a good sh to go to because you're going to hear everything you also may get a headache if you're not hard of hearing but it's a very interesting way of davening they literally scream I've been there a few times and it's very emot it's it's it's it's emotional I mean some people celebrate it. Some people they need a more quiet ding whatever different different men hug him different different uh ver different different ways of doing things. However, there's a lot of screaming by ding of he would d with tremendous ecstasy and they say that once when he came to he it's actually printed in some of the he fainted. So they revived him and they asked him what happened. So he said when he came to the word hamelik he remembered a story and the story so touched him he was so emotionally open it touched him it overwhelmed him he fainted what was the story the garra tells a story in track it's from the gammor that I learned on about the zak was the leader of the Jewish people in the era before the destruction of the second basik vespasian in he he's known by us aspianis he was the commander who was sent by Rome Caligia to Nero Caligia to destroy the second Bikdash and to destroy Yehuda, destroy andro in the middle. Vespasian was appointed the emperor and he went back to Rome and he sent his son Titus Titus to finish the work which Titus did. Titus did so when Vespatian was the commander and Zachai snuck out. You know this story, it's an unbelievable story. He snuck they they sneaked him out of here to meet the Roman commander because felt that the Jewish people couldn't fight back and they needed to come to some accommodations. There was a whole fight in the Jewish world then the sikim they were zealot and they wanted to go to war. So he sneaked out to think maybe he could make some negotiate some deal with with with Fespatia. And uh and so in this they had a very interesting conversation and he got from him three big favors to spare Yavna and a doctor for and to spare the family of Raml. But one of the moments over there is refers to as the king. So he says in Aramaic. It's printed in the Gumari. They said, it's written in Gar. If I'm a king, why didn't you come to me till now? What happened suddenly now that you came to me? So he explained that they didn't give him permission. You can't get out of your lime. They had to faint that he was dead and take him out in a coffin because they don't bury your lime. And that's how he got out. So he had to explain why he didn't come till now. If I'm the king. So Khalina said when he said the word, you remember the story. If I'm the king, where were you yesterday? Where were you the day before? So this touched him so deeply. So what do we see from here? Rashana the Gmorrah says that is the day of the day of coronation. Coronatia the day of the coronation of the king. That's the first reason we blow. There's 10 reasons says the first reason is because when they would coronate a king, they would do it through blowing trumpets and blowing ram horns. So the blowing of the is really the coronation of now it's fascinating that the king of kings needs and wants us to coronate him so to speak if you don't coronate me I'm not the king and that's what the garra says in tractash I think it's page 16 that says I want you to say and we say all of those verses of malis of kingship and musf besides blowing the chauffeur And it's you're actually coronating me as the king. So that's the day we coronate as the king. Now when we talk about when we talk about this the prerequisite of that is why should you coronate me as a king? Why should you? So here we go back to the question. You say there's a mitzvah to have a who gave me this mitzvah? Oh, hashem. So he's before the mitzvah. We say accepting the yoke of the kingdom of heaven is not a mitzvah because without that there's no mitzvah. Who's giving me a mitzvah? Why should I do the mitzvah? Why should I feel I need a relationship with the mitzvah? Why should I even look at the mitzvah? Fine. You said they used to say an expression in English who died and made you king. Where do I come to accept your yoke? So these are things that are prerequisite before we begin anything. There is the question of the relationship itself. So now comes the big question. Where does this come from? Where does this amuna come from? Where does this come from? We say, well, you have a mitzvah. You have to. But that can only be that you have to or you need to. Could only happen if there is some foundation that exists before it. And the answer to this is this can't be a mitzvah. Not because it's not a mitzvah, because it's deeper than all the mitzvah. This is the essence itself. This is where the person chooses something because this is who they are in their most in their most authentic space. And when we skip this step, if we go straight into mitzvah without this step, what we're skipping is the foundation of all the mitzvah. Because then what can often been seen is I don't I don't know why. I'm just doing it because I was told I was brainwashed. I was indoctrinated. I was forced. It was shoved down my throat. Maybe I like it. Maybe I don't like it. Maybe there's a lot of guilt, maybe there's a lot of shame, maybe there's a lot of fear. It would be like in a relationship, in a marriage, you know, there's a that the gives the kala under the and hopefully he lives up to the obligations in the but that can only happen there's a mitzvah for a husband to fulfill everything that says inv. But that can only happen once there's a relationship, once there's a connection. You don't go over to a stranger in the world, why don't you fulfilled obligations to me? What's your name? I don't know you. Who are you? You have all these 613 mitzvah. Who are you? What's your name? Where do I know you from? Well, you have a mitzvah. Who gave me that mitzvah? Me. I don't even know you. So, how does that initial relationship happen? The init that initial relationship is something that happens in a very very deep space. It's within. Once I can I cultivate that core am within. Once I cultivate and I say this is this is who I am. This is my essence. You are my king. Now the whole world of mitzvah can unfold. Now there's a blueprint for the relationship. Now there's a lifestyle. Now there are behavioral patterns. Now there are things that will help it and there are things that will undermine it. Just like in a relationship between people. The foundation first is the connection itself and if I tell you to be connected because I'm telling you to be connected. Who are you to tell me to be connected? So this must come from a very very deep place where one feels that this connection is really so relevant to them. It's really their essence. It's what makes them tick as a human being. Now once we have this relationship there can be all of these patterns or laws or traditions what can enhance the relationship what can undermine a relationship what are the positive things what are the negative things and so forth I can't skip this step because if I skip this step I'm jumping into a whole elements of commandments and mitzvah but what's the foundation of all of them what's the prerequisite for all of And that's why according to many commentators a is not a mitzvah not because it's not important because it can't be a mitzvah it's before the mitzvah is not a mitzvah it's before the mitzvah this explains to us about education also is not a mitzvah in the not because it's not important because it's so important it's beyond the realm of mitzvah because what does it mean to really educate a child there's two types of education. One is education I just tell you what to do. Do this, do this, do this, do this, do this. That's more of an external education. Real is helping the child uncover who they really are, helping them see themselves, helping them observe their truest essence. Of course, we can do that through words mostly. We do it through modeling. We do it through connection. We do it through experience. We do it through deep deep trust, through deep loyalty, through deep love. Now, can I commen can I tell a person, can I tell a human being, I'm giving you a mitzvah that you should be a person. You shouldn't be a horse. I can't give you such a mitzvah. Either you are or you're not. Once a person understands who they are, we can discuss how is best to live in order to live up to this reality. But these are these are questions of who you are. I can't command you to to be a person you're not. I cannot command you to be the person you are when you are that person. It's really about opening up the blockages and helping a person be able to go in inside themselves and see themselves. The same is true talking, you know, relation between parents and children, right? What's the relation between parents and children? related between parents and children. I know this can sometimes be, you know, depends on the situation. It could be a very painful subject. What does it begin with? It begins with mitzvah. It can't. I told you to do something and therefore you have to do it because I'm your mother. I told you to do something and you have to do it because I'm your father. Respect your father and mother. But what happens and we sometimes hear this when one doesn't feel you're my father, you're my mother. What does that look like? And I'm not talking about external words or just or you know uh kid in a very bad mood and you know being a little rude and obnoxious. But I'm talking about a very very internal experience. Respect your father and mother means you're my father and you're my mother. How does that happen? So you say what do you mean how that happens? I gave birth to this child. That's how it happens. I pay all the bills. I raise him. That's true. That's all on a physical level and it's very very true. The real relationship is an emotional connection that can't be a mitzvah. It's an emotional connection that's created through being, through existence. That emotional connection is that the child knows this is my mom. This is my dad. What makes you my mother and father? We are just essentially essentially connected. When that connection doesn't exist or there's a lot of rupture in that connection or that connection is very anxious or that connection is not safe or it's not reliable, the relationship is is hurt. It's pained. This is not about blame of anybody. It's just about the reality that this is the core wiring that creates those trusted connections. If it's not there, if the wires were never were never pulled and never attached in the right way, these parts of the psyche don't develop and later our relationships are very deeply affected by it. You know, we know today how much attachment in our youngest age affects our entire personality because it creates the templates of all of our relationships with everybody else. My relationship with my spouse, my relationship with my children is going to be directly a consequence of who I am in terms of my original connections with the closest people with my caregivers. And sometimes we need to do a lot a lot of work in rewiring those wires because if somebody grew up with no attachment or anxious attachment or unreliable attachment or confusing attachment or different forms of attachment that were very very difficult. They couldn't trust it or it was on and off. Sometimes yes, sometimes not. Never mind if there was even the opposite of attachment maliciously or not maliciously, actively or inactively, aggressively or non-aggressively, willingly or usually unwillingly and inadvertently. But as a result of that, how much can I really really trust? How much can I really really feel connected with another person without the need to control it, without the need to defend myself? These are things you can't call it a mitzvah because it's the foundation of everything. It's who I am as a person. That's what really is. Is to educate a child and help them become aware of their divinity, of their holiness, of their infinity, of their power, of their truest, truest, truest goodness. And that's why it's not a mitzvah, not because it's not important, because as we said, like a like it's even beyond the realm of a mitzvah. It's the foundation of everything. It's learning who you are. Sure, the rabbis instituted that we should actually be our children. Train them in different mitzvah and train them in ding and train them in learning and train them in the observance of mitzvah, age appropriate, whatever that may be. But biblically, there's no mitzvah of what is really is touching the core. Touching the core, if I command you, I say I want you all now to touch your core. Okay? What am I supposed to do here? Right? A mitzvah by definition is after there's a relationship we can now add to that. We can we can grow on that. So now when we understand this idea we're talking here about the person's internal relationship with themselves when it comes to ourselves when it comes to our parents and here when it also when it comes to Hashem and I want to for a moment go to a parates it's a very very interesting pak it's also in your source sheets for those of us who uh grew up with Barak Hashem with internal plumbing or continual access to a bathroom. It's hard to understand these verses. But you have to understand that uh 3 and a half thousand years ago this was extremely extremely relevant. says this week, it's Deuteronomy chapter 23, you should have a designated place outside the camp so you can go out there to use it as a as a bathroom, a place where people can go out. Very good. Thank you. That's why it was called out house. You have to keep a spike, a shovel So when you go outside to relieve yourself, you dig with it and you cover that which emerged. You cover the excrement as a form of modesty. So that's why they had a shovel. So when you go out, you can shovel and cover it. And then he says this famous, why is this important? Hashem, your God accompanies you in the midst of your camp. He's with you to rescue you, to deliver you, to deliver your enemies before you. So your mah, your camp must be sacred. Very powerful word. Your dwelling place comes from your dwelling place should be sacred. Hashem is there. So that he doesn't see in you. Evas means promiscuity. He doesn't see inside of you nakedness, things that are im and then he will turn away from you. He cannot stay there. So therefore this is the mitzvah and that's why you have this mitzvah that this part of a person's life needs to be treated with the dignity towards a person and towards Hashem. And that's why you go outside and even there you go with a shovel and you cover it in an appropriate way. Just for the record for this p we learn a lot a lot of for example the fact that we don't say and we don't say we don't d in the presence of excrement and these types of filth and immodest things and promiscuous things. It's all based on this. if I'm mentioning Hashem's name. So she doesn't want to see so it's inappropriate wait till you're in a different space or till it's covered up and that's why they have a lot of around this because this was very very common remember where people lived can I say here can I say etc because of all of all of this what's interesting is the words he shouldn't see in you this is really not inside of you it's really outside of It's the person's excrement. It's it's it's things that are unholy outside of the person inside of you. So uh this has a beautiful interpretation and he says we have one more place in a very similar expression when it comes to when it comes to ones the says should not be seen to you for the seven days of pes or by us eight days. What does it mean? It shouldn't be seen to you. It shouldn't be seen to you. One interpretation is it shouldn't be seen. It should be obliterated completely and not seen at all. But the truth is there's no prohibition to see on PE. If I'm walking by a liquor store and I see a bottle of I'm not allowed to drink it or enjoy it. But what's mean? So this says so our sages say and this is a huge section of and it's brought in many places in your heart. This is called >> which is what we do before we say all the I own should become but what does mean become bottle it's not magic it disappears means it's seen as insignificant like heafar like dust right if there's a great if if there's a a particle of dust I don't cherish it I'm not going to sell it on eBay I don't it's it's it's here but it's worthless. It's meaningless. It doesn't mean anything to me. It's hea. You want to take my dust? You could take it. Yeah. You all come to my house and take the dust. It's fine. So that's the idea of bits. Bham means a Jew makes an internal declaration and it has to be sincere. You know, if it's a $900 bottle of mashka and I'm saying bit and it's not sincere, it won't work. Which is by the way the reason why the did is they didn't allow B. Really BL is enough biblically. You could just do you don't have to get rid of your just do but they were afraid people have expensive and they're not going to be sincere. So you say it's ble you don't mean it. It's not bottle. You want it. So that's why they made the actually get rid of the or today if you sell the it doesn't belong to you. So what's the idea of B? It shouldn't be seen to you. Doesn't mean physically. I don't care if you see it. It shouldn't be seen to you as something significant. Like you say is from a form of it shouldn't be visible. It's something visible. It's something prominent. It's like it's like earth. It's nothing. It's like a particle of dust. So this says here you have the same words. The way I look at my own my own promiscuity says inside of you he shouldn't see it in you inside of you it shouldn't take up such significance and prominence it I should be able to look at it with the right proportions in the right way the right perspective and then it's battle what what what what what is he teaching here that what the p is really saying is a person has a lot of different parts to us we have so many different parts the question is which parts do I cherish and I believe that they constitute who I really am and how I want to live and which parts I understand they're there as part of my test part of my challenge part of my growth part of my gifts part of my opportunities part of my humility part of reminding me what my work is part of reminding me that I'm human part of reminding me what my role in this world is but I don't let those parts become the dominant figures in my life. Everybody knows you can be driving a car and you may have a backseat driver who doesn't know anything about the road or anything about driving and gives you a whole time where to go, where not to go and the worst thing you could do is give them the steering wheel because you're going to end up in Miami when you wanted to go to Burough Park. So therefore, that's what they say. It's a voice. It's an opinion. You have to know what to take seriously in terms of yes, you're going to take over my life and you're just there, you know, as part of the trap, part of the props, part of the work that God set up in my life. So, I should be able to have, you know, part of the maze. A maze has different pathways. So, it's one of the pathways in the maze. But no, if you go that pathway, it's not going to take you anywhere. So, this says he shouldn't see it in you. It shouldn't be in your own eyes. It shouldn't be prominent in your own eyes. There was once a um I know a scientist uh a brilliant brilliant guy really a brilliant scientist a gifted man. He comes up with amazing discoveries and uh really ingenious and creative and a very special person. And uh he once shared that he works at a desk that is so so cluttered that literally when he comes into his office he wastes five minutes just finding his keyboard. You know those people there are so many piles on top of the keyboard that it takes him five minutes to find the keyboard and then it takes him another five another 10 minutes to find a document that he just read and put down but is so confusing. It's so chaotic that It takes him 10 minutes to find a document. And he once shared something. It's it's it's the story is humorous, but the reason is very not humorous. And he he had such a weirdness in this and it was so powerful. His mother was a Holocaust survivor and she suffered from a terrible terrible mental illness and it caused her frequently to spend hours at a time and uh she would scream at her children. It put her into a violent psychic state and mercilessly she would denigrate her children's value. just tell them all terrible, terrible things about themselves. And the scientist who I know, he said despite his brilliant, brilliant achievements as an adult, he still he still hears in the back of his brain the demeaning voice from decades ago. He's an old man today from decades ago. And those voices are already inside of him. He doesn't have to hear it from outside. They're voices that shaped his own neural pathways and his own internal template which gives rise to those thoughts about himself. And I'm going to quote him as a result of that I cannot he cannot really believe that he deserves to enjoy living and working in an orderly and clean environment. It's almost like a a I don't deserve anything better. This is the best I'm going to get. And that takes so much work to undo because it's not about a message. I'm trying to be messy. And really, that's what this puss is telling us. If we want to broaden it a little bit, Hashem doesn't want us to live in a disorderly, repulsive environment. Because by doing so, we're accepting a dangerous denigration of our own value in our own eyes. People don't realize that sometimes they punish themselves without knowing that they're really punishing themselves. It's just, yeah, this is how my life is. My office has to be a mess. Why does it have to be a mess? Why can't you take the You're a brilliant scientist. You came up with inventions to help cancer. Now, you can't figure out a technological invention to put away your papers. You can't hire a secretary to scan them and put it in the computer and file it. But these are unconscious. These are unconscious voices. It's almost if I have an orderly successful life, it undermines everything my mother said about me. And it's not a conscious decision. The guy's almost 80 years old. These are things I have to go to a much deeper place. What is your own real value in your own eyes? And by the way, sometimes our approach is the exact opposite. We become so clean that we are so controlling that if a grandson comes to the house and makes a mess. Oh my god. It's like a declaration of war. Why? What happened? What happened? We have to go deep into this cuz sometimes that became my coping mechanism. My coping mechanism is I am so in control. Yeah. My wife once told me about a friend that they would do uh practice packing a week before the flight. You ever heard of that concept? Okay. I also never heard of it, but my wife told me there's somebody practice packing means a week before you fly, you practice packing for the for the journey. You put it into the suitcase and you see does it close nicely and if not you recalculate everything and then of course the day or two before you do the real packing. Some of us on the way to the airport were still packing without names, right? So you say don't be extreme. this but there's a reason for it. So sometimes people are just very very What's wrong with being organized? So you pack a week before practice packing? Okay. Somehow it never became part of my min. But uh [Laughter] >> I should start by coming 9:30. You're saying not a week before but just 9:30. She has to be exactly 10 minutes late. >> Yeah. And the Buer community in Washington Heights, they used to say five minutes late is being late. But five minutes early is also inappropriate. You don't come early, you don't come late, right? >> They still say, >> "Huh?" They still say it. Okay. Yeah. So the bottom line is but sometimes that becomes my I have to be so controlling because if there's one thing out of order my whole internal universe collapses. Now it's very very good to be organized. It's very very good to be in a place where there's not a mess. But I want to make sure it's being done from a place of inner love, not inner loathing. like the clip that says you know go to the gym because you love your body not because you hate your body and that's the idea what this famus is saying here that when I see those voices inside of me how much significance do they have inside of me and here we come to the key of what is this is the prerequisite for all the mitzvah the prerequisite for all the mitzvah is that you are divine that you are aim, that your value is unquestionable, that your core is sacred, that you are a derivative of infinite consciousness, that you're an ambassador of Hashem in the world. So just like we say a is not a mitzvah because it's the prerequisite of the mitzvah is not a mitzvah because it's the prerequisite of all the mitzvah is not a mitzvah because the mitzvah of is the foundation for all the other mitzvah. It's almost like I can't even tell it to you. Do do I tell somebody I want you all right now to inhale. I want you all to breathe. I want your blood to circulate. This is life itself. If somebody's giving a mitzvah to a mother, I want you to connect to your child. Okay, what do I do? Tell me. Well, it's a list. These are things that come from the essence. And if somebody doesn't have it in their essence, I can give them a hundred commandments and instructions. It's not going to help. Everybody knows some marriages, right? You can have husbands and wives, you give them a hundred commandments and they may follow. But if the essence is not there and if I don't examine why is the essence not there that does not come because of a detail. There's something in the underlying connection that may be damaged that may be very very hurt. There was some wires that weren't connected. I don't know what a relationship is. I don't know what trust is. I can't put down my defenses. Whatever it is, there's a deep fear. There's a deep a deep overwhelming anxiety. There's usually a very very deep reality that has to be addressed. Just like this person with his messy office. He could not he could not allow himself the dignity of being successful in this area. So people sometimes undermine their own success because a voice that tells them you're not worthy of it. You're not allowed. You're not allowed. And it's very very deep because it's not conscious. No, I just I'm lazy. No, no, you're not lazy. And other things you're very very not lazy. But here somehow there's like an inner undermining voice. So when it comes to what is the real the real is for the real is to be able to help the child become and realize who they really really are. From that grows everything else. And it's true in our relationship with Hashem and our if a person and we all know this. If my relationship with Hashem at its core is damaged, all the mitzvah, all the kabas, all the takas, everything, it's all going to be like pouring water into a cup that has a hole. I'll do another mitzvah, another mitzvah. Who's giving you these mitzvah? And that's what it means. Elo is the focus is on the relationship itself. Sometimes we become it's important to talk about details. I need to fix this in my life. I'm making about this. I do chuv on this. This is going to be different. And those are all good good because it's good to bring things down into details. But the real question is can I really re what would it feel like in my body if I felt that Hashem is crazy about me? He loves me infinitely. and that in this relationship I am the most important. Like it says in he's standing over me like a mother cheering me on. What would it feel in my body if that experience that the my beloved one is le is completely zoomed in into my life into my reality my life doesn't just mean something it's infinitely meaningful and the everybody is supposed to say for me the world was created that means in some ways it's like a wife needs to feel that for her husband she is the most important person in the world and the husband wants to know that his wife feels like that about It doesn't mean other people are not important. It's it's the other way around. When someone is really really most important to you in your life now that fil that uh uh trickles into all other relationships that for me in my relationship I am so infinitely important to Hashem. You say me why who am I? And you know all these voices inside of me I have to be able to dot doesn't mean I get rid of the it just means okay your voice I get it you're here to undermine me okay you're not going to take over this the steering wheel that's the idea I have to know which voices to make significant and which voices should not be significant they're there for the challenge they're there to humble me they're there for whatever reason they're there because it's part of my history and it's part of my journey and It's part of the work I need to do in this world to fulfill my schiz but they're not there in order to be able to overtake my psyche. This is so subtle because and I've know this in my life these things are so subtle because they're not articulated verbally. Nobody gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror and say I'm today going to undermine myself and I want my office or my house to be messy or I need to be a control freak. Nobody does that. These are just ways we adjust to. They become coping mechanisms in which I live. But they're based on an underlying deep deep damage or wound that is missing in the very very core of being that cannot be replaced through a commandment or through an instruction because this is about being itself. And here we come to the most important element in relationships. The most important element in relationships as we all know is not words. What is it? It's experience. Emotional connections are built through experience. I know a person I said this I think on Shabas one a few ago who's who struggled very very deeply in their life. When they grew up they did a lot of inner emotional healing work. And the person once described what it was to grow up and they said this person this person is very very sensitive emotionally and they were asking their caregivers to give them emotion to give him this this person was asking him I need emotional connection this was like an epiphany that he had in his imagination it wasn't an actual conversation as a child as an infant he was begging for emotional connection and the answer was we can't give you emotional connection but we can give you words to describe emotional connections And they told him those words will be even better because emotional connections are messy but words can be eloquent. So he grew up having all the words but without the wiring itself and it's torturous because a human being has a soul. It's real. Relationships are real. The the divine is real. It's called it's real energy. But I can't this is not something I can I can accomplish through a mitzvah. This is only that's through experience. When a heart feels another heart, there's an energy that travels between the hearts and the hearts open. The heart beats connect. They co-regulate and there's a sense of safety that your nervous system picks up. I can't give that to my child through words. I could say I love you. I could say I care for you. But if the child is feeling uh detachment or disengagement or an anxiety, whatever it is, you know, mommy and Taty may be busy and overwhelmed and they have their own dysregulation and other challenges and other children and this and the child grows up and those wires really were never ever formed. So now I may develop nice patterns in life, mitzvah, but the foundation of Hashem really being inside of me and I'm connected to something infinite and I'm a channel for his light in this world. I don't even know what does I mean I we know the words we say it but what does it feel like and what would it feel like if we experienced it in our body what's even more painful is that sometimes people don't even know that these are things that you're supposed to experience it's just more words and more words and more words and more words my wife sometimes tells me when are you going to stop talking when are you going to stop talking talking words I should the problem is I told them, "Nobody understands my silence." When I would be able to stand and just be quiet for an hour and everybody will understand, I'm happy to do that. Or maybe not. I don't know. I have to work it out. >> Huh? >> This is the very good question. What about yra? This is the foundation of this is what is. What does really mean? There's two types of yer, right? this year. I fear you because you're going to beat me up because you're going to punish me because you're bigger than me, you're stronger than me, you're going to whatever you're going to fine. That's that's one type of but what we really when we talk about the mitzvah of hashem, what is it? It's I'm afraid of losing such a powerful relationship. I'm afraid of of denigrating such a a beautiful connection. That's a year that's connected with awe, with reverence. That's a beautiful year. It's an empowering year. There's aa which is the love and then there's the there's the there's the respect there's the reverence which protects me like take take again a marriage a very good marriage right a husband and a wife should the husband be afraid that his wife won't make breakfast or won't do the laundry or it's much deeper it's like there's such a beautiful friendship I'm afraid to ruin it very very powerful thing it's it's it things can be ruined things can be ruined through words, through conversations, through texts, through whatever it is, through behaviors, and I don't want to ruin such a relationship. I'm afraid to ruin it. If you want to put it in different words, you could say it's very, very scary when you know how much you're loved. You understand what I'm saying? When you really know how much you're loved, it's really scary. It's like if nobody really loves me, you know, I'm just some, you know, uh, blimp, some dust at the surface of infinity that's pretty inconsequential and valueless. You know, it's fine. It's not scary. But when you really know your value, there's something scary about it because there's something at stake in a relationship, which is why we numb. There's a reason we disassociate. There's a reason as children often we already shut down and then later we shut down because it's less scary. If I'm not, somebody was saying the other day that they love being miserable and not trusting anybody in the world. Somebody told this to my wife. So she asked me, "Why do you think?" I said, "Very simple. If you're miserable, you don't trust anybody in the world. You don't have to deal with anybody. You put a wall. You say the only one I could trust is me." And that's it. In many ways, you're safe. You're small, safe, and in control. The moment the whole world is not out to get me and I'm in relationships, oh, suddenly your energy, the person's energy that I'm connected with deeply affects me, it's a very vulnerable space to be in. Relationships are a vulnerable space. That's the reason we sometimes cut off the wire is because to be able to say the deepest desire of an is to be attached to and the deepest desire of doi means my love, my beloved one or my lover. the doi from the word doi means love right so the deepest the deepest desire of amii is to be attached with doi the deepest desire of doi is to be attached to me I want you for a moment to feel or at least imagine a little bit what would that feel like if you and I and all of us felt that not here we're all good at this we are amazing here but actually felt it in our bodies ies in our nervous systems in our physical hearts if I really really felt it. I didn't preach about it but I really felt that ani the deepest desire of ani is attachment with doi and the deepest desire of doi is lee literally like a a like an infant and mommy where mommy feels so regulated and blissful holding that baby and the baby feels that complete complete trust and reliance and that's where the wires of connection are created at the core this I can't give over through a mitzvah I could give you a thousand commandments. This is the basis of everything. Once that is there, now you already know who you are. You know your value. You know your infinite value. Now you don't want to have a keyboard that's buried under layers. You don't you don't want that. You're much better than that. I don't want to eat junk and put this junk into my body. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that. I don't want to have a conversation that is purposeless or slanderous. It's it's it's so it's so demeaning to me. But that's only when you could really see your value. When you can experience that value this I can't give a mitzvah for because it's the foundation of everything that this aava and this even this ya it's an a it's a reverence because mitzvah by definition is instructing somebody to do something or to say something or to think something. So we can do that but the foundation of it all that is what really is the foundation of everything is the month of that's why it's why all the customs of you don't have it originally it's almost like Jews developed it from within we don't have a mitzvah you should do this XYZ as I said it's barely mentioned in the earlier sources it's not because it's not significant it because it touches a place of a very very internal space of Yiddish and this internal space of Yiddish is something that has to do with ultimately trusting yourself your inner divine space you know if we look at life the gives us so many instructions about everything there's mitzvah essays there's mitzvah there's menhagim there's there's ethics there's mid there's m there's all these different things but ultimately if everybody looks at their own life you'll see that there's so so many questions in everybody's life that there's no clear specification. Do exactly this, don't do this. Now, some people want that. Just tell me what to do and that's it. Because there's a certain assurance in that. Just tell me what to do and I'll blame it on you. When I come to God, I'll say it's his fault. He said this was the and that's it. But the truth is there's something much deeper than that. Hashem wants people to learn how to trust themselves. There's ultimately something about your life that nobody can guide you with. Not because they don't want to, but because this is about you. This is about your own relationship. Now, what does it mean to trust yourself? This means that every instinct I have, I should trust. This means that if I'm angry and I want to be rude, I should trust it. This means that if I'm lazy and I don't want to I want to sleep for another four hours, I have to do it. The answer for this is this is what he's saying. We have to know how to do. I have to be able to distinguish when you can see the parts of you that are really the part the part of you, the core of you that is divine. When you trust that you'll see immediately over there there's a lot of lot of there's a lot of regulation there's a lot of serenity there's a lot of love there's a softness there's a tranquility I don't have to be judgmental I'm in a place of connection of attachment of trust those are the parts of yourself that you want to trust we need to trust because ultimately everybody has ness everybody sitting in this room or listening has challenges that nobody else has everybody has blessings that nobody has and everybody has challenges that nobody has. Small ones, big ones, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, familial, things of the past, things of the present, things that are big, things that are small, things we know about, and some things we don't know about. And you say, why is there no if God loves me? Give me clear direction what to do. But the real love is that I trust you. You're a real person. You're powerful. You're amazing. This I don't want to give you another mitzvah and tell you to do something. The biggest mitzvah, the foundation of all the mitzvah is that you are the mitzvah. That relationship with you is the pri is the price. From there grows out everything. From here comes everything. Once that foundation is there, we have everything. If we don't have that inner internal foundation, it's like building a beautiful, beautiful home. >> But there's no foundation. There's literally no foundation. That foundation is the internal divine relationship that Hashem has with every single person at their core in your soul and in your body and you have with Hashem. And it is who you are. And when you look into yourself and I go away from all the block and say, "What do I really want in life? What do I really want in life? I want food. I want drinks. I want a home. I want nas. I want to be comfortable." Everybody has all these desires that they have. Mostly very very good desires. Deep deep deep down the deepest desire is you want to be who you really are. And who are you really? We are all divine. We are all as we always talk about we are all expressions and manifestations of the oneness of mulvad. And when my needs follow that I'm in touch with my true essence. That can only happen if I know that if it's one way I really want to be connected to you but you couldn't care less about me. it's not going to happen. I'm going to run somewhere else very, very fast cuz it's too painful. It's like you open your heart to somebody and they're like, I'm not interested. And that's really what happens in so many relationships. If I'm a child and I open my heart and I'm looking for that connection, but the other person can't give it to me. They may not even know about it. Nobody gave it to them. So, what is this child going to do? I'm going to close up and instead of getting that love, I'll just look for attention or I'll look of other ways of pleasing you and getting the results I need. But those elements of trust are not there anymore. And then people grow up and they build layers and layers and layers and layers and layers to justify their coping mechanisms. And it's so hard just to sit in that present silence and experience the heartbeat of yourself and of the other without any defenses without any need to defend yourself without any need to control without any need to be transactional. I do for you, you do for me. It's just with a place of very very deep deep authentic connection and I can build so many layers of defense around it and I understand why it's all a way of just protecting myself and this is where the relationship itself I never experienced I never experienced and it's true with yishkite I could be very religious I could be f I could learn every day and davin three times a day and observe all the mitzvah and do all their ador and it's beautiful. I'm following the script. The checklist is perfect. Perfect. But there's one thing that's not there and that is the inner inner flow of trust and love that it's not about something I'm doing or not doing. It's just an inner state of oneness with infinity. I can't even describe it so much because it's really not about words. It's just you you know it when you feel you know when your heart is open and you're experiencing being in flow without any ego very very humbling very very thrilling there's a deep joy and ecstasy there's a safety you feel in your spine or you feel in your heart where your heart is literally open and it's just being in relationship there's so much gratitude over there there's it's a very very deep spiritual connection and I cannot train this through telling a person and a commandment. These are wires that open up in our soul when we learn to distinguish between our defense mechanisms, our coping mechanisms and our mam that's beyond all the mitzvah because it's the foundation of all the mitzvah that relationship with hash. Of course, it doesn't stop there. Such a relationship automatically trickles down into all the mitzvah because that's the connection. That's how living the connection is. Just like doesn't stop in childhood. You develop as an adult. Amuna doesn't stop in amuna. It develops into the mitzvah is the foundation for all the mitzvah including. So what do we learn from is the month of for everybody. We're like the child rewiring the very relationship. That's why the says go into the field. There's no clothes here. I'm not showing up as a king now. I'm a powerful king. Go listen to me. Because if it starts that way. So what? I'm just dominated by fear. I don't even know who you are. We need to first meet. We need to connect. That's the idea of the field. I'm not dressed in any particular way. This is about your very very essence. Can you be comfortable in your very very essence with me because I would like to be comfortable in my my very essence with you. And that's the idea of the field. There's no access. There's no bodyguards. There's no palace. There's no like protect. There's no nepotism. There's no uh there's nothing in the field. It's like it's open here. What does this represent spiritually? It represents a connection that is without any any any inhibitions. It's just that your deepest deepest core where I can open up to everything. I should just say it's not so easy to do because when I open up I'm also going to open up to the pain to the reason I I closed off. I'm going to open up to that and that's normal. There's a reason these wires weren't developed and therefore I went to other wires. There was a Jewish comedian. He used to say, "I'm a man of principles and if you don't like my principles, I have other principles." So sometimes when certain wires are not connected, we go to other wires. When I was growing up, I had a difficult time feeling all of my emotions. So what did I do? I did what a lot of what some boys do. I went to my brain and with my brain, I compensated. I did very very well in yeshiva. I got beautiful nakas notes from my teachers and I did very well but there was a problem. You know what the problem was? The problem was that part of my heart was shut down. So my intellect was doing very well. My brain was doing but that's not a person and it took me a lot of years. I'm still doing the work. I'm not done yet. This is just therapy for me. So uh also also but it took a lot it it took a lot of work to be able even to realize it. I didn't know as a a child you don't know. You adjust. You figure it out. You do what works. We all want to be protected. We're all nor we try to live, you know, and try to be protected. Our animal consciousness knows the main thing is survival and comfort. So, we do that. And if it's in the realm of yadishk, it could be in the realm of yishkite. You can have somebody becoming very, very wise, very knowledgeable, learning, learning, learning. And they get a lot of accolades and it's beautiful. But very few people are looking into their heart and like are the wires of your relationships were they ever connected. Maybe there's a rewiring that's necessary. I learned that in myself. So when we talk about it's not the month where there's a lot of mitzvah. It all came from within because these types of relationships is something by definition. It's about you learning who you are and nobody can tell it to you. Even Hashem can't give it as a mitzvah. Not because he doesn't want to because from this come all the mitzvah. This is from the truth that deep down people are good. People are holy. People are really divine. We are not random consequential creatures simply roaming and trying to figure it out. When I go into that space, it's a normal space. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to be in control. It's hard to lean into trust. But when we can open ourselves up more and more to this type of relationship, I could lean into trust. I could realize that I'm always in connection. I'm always in a relationship. And even though there's something painful and it's bothering me, it's bothering me. Yes, it's bothering me. Something is hurting me. There's a relationship that's ruptured. Somebody's upset. Somebody set some whatever it is. Every person in their own life and it can hurt me and I have to figure out how to deal with it. But never ever allow that wound to take over your life. And that now defines me and I become absent- minded and I start doing things that are not connected to who I really am because I'm not I'm really not connected. I'm really really not connected to who I really am. So that's the secret of the month of which is before that's like the that's like rewiring the very relationship and that's what the gift of this month is. Then comes which is that's then the foundation of all the mitzvah. So likeash is the head of the year because that is the foundation from the entire year. But the preparation for that is that's like with a child where you have the most deepest deepest relationships forming. That's why we we all know what happens between caregivers and infants is the most important thing in life. Life doesn't happen when I'm 20, 30, 40, 50, 60. That's just playing out what happened when I was one. They used to think, you know, children, eh, just grow up and you'll become something. It's the opposite. Everything we do as grown-ups is based on what happened when we were children, unless we do a lot of healing work to to redo things. So really, that's the most important. So why is that not the biggest mitzvah? The answer is because that's beyond all the mitzvah. That's where the essence is formed of who this child is going to be in their own eyes. based on who is modeling to them what they are in their own eyes because I can't give to my children what I am not and then their relationship with Hashem is either organic essential intrinsic and that's what yamayim is what does real sham mean really means nobody has to look talk again in a relationship what does it mean a good relationship if my wife is not looking I go cheat that's a relationship that's a joke means if let's say God is not looking he is but Let's say he's not. As I told somebody, even Google sees everything. You think God doesn't? Somebody, you think God sees everything? I'm like, Google, for heaven's sake, sees everything. Everything. Unfortunately, you think God has a problem seeing everything. But your shim, oh, you're going to catch me. You're going to catch me. I'm going to be punished. Your shame is I know who I am. The moment you know who you are, this is connected to me. This doesn't belong to me. This goes into my system. This doesn't go into my system. And if I made a mistake, I regret it. That's what chuva is. I ate something. I ended up in the hospital. I learned my lesson. That's what tru is. It's not with guilt. You're a horrible person. No, I did something or I injected something or I wrote something or I said something. And it was so so not reflective of my true divine essence. I want to learn a lesson. Make an appointment with guilt. Don't let guilt dominate because when it dominates, it's over. That's part of my dysfunction. When I am essentially guilty, it says in Tanya, when you're feeling guilt, make an appointment with your guilt. It's a very good piece of advice. Next time you're feeling guilty, say, "No problem. You have today between 9 and 9:15 p.m. to tell me everything bad about me." And you'll see your guilt won't like that. No, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you now. and 9 to 9:15 and then to 10:15 and then to 12:15 until you fall asleep because you're so busy on your phone you won't have a choice you fall asleep don't do that guilt you have 15 minutes really you should have 10 minutes but I'm giving you 15inut appointment you could say everything those 15 minutes let the guilt tell you everything about you this mistake you know the guilt remembers every mistake you made from the days of Eisenhower I I wanted to say from the days of George Washington but everybody is uh it remembers everything everything because it's not about the mistake it's about making believe that you're the mistake and the moment it starts telling me that I'm the mistake that's the tragedy I made a mistake okay I have different parts that's what means I have in my house yeah the question is is the going to be dominant or the is going to be heer kafra I know what it is and I could see it and it's part of my journey. The moment a person can do that everything changes. So now now we appreciate one last point and here it comes together why l is not a y it's not like shabas. So you say well it's regular days but now we learn there's something much deeper in a way there's something much deeper we all know and with this we want to conclude the last point and then go into silence for a week at least the Mishna says in everybody knows this all your deeds should be or the says in all your ways you should know meaning in all your ways you should know him and in in Hebrew doesn't only mean knowledge like the first time it says knew and it says she became pregnant and she had children so it doesn't mean Adam knew her he had a resume means connection intimacy so means in all your ways you should have intimacy with him and this mitzvah is basically saying there's no such a thing a Jew says says, "Now I'm taking vacation from God. Now I'm making money. Now I'm on vacation. Now I'm going on a hike. There's a time that I'm dinging and learning. I'm doing a mitzvah. I'm putting up a muza. I'm giving saddaka. That's a mitzvah. I'm learning to. But now I'm taking a hike in Khaki Park or Bare Mountains or uh Snow Canyon or Bryce National Park or whatever it is. What's that do with God? This is called beauty. Now I'm eating a meal. Now I'm exercising. Now I'm taking a walk. Now I'm drinking an ice coffee. What's it do with Hashem? It's not enough. Now let's drink ice coffee. So the Mishna says I'm drinking an ice coffee. I'm exercising. I'm making money. I'm going on a hike. I'm whatever I'm doing. It's so some people see it as like pressure. Oh my god. God give me a break. It's like leave me alone 24/7. No. Now I'm doing my own thing. You see me me done. Even a good marriage, your husband comes every leave me alone. I'm going out with my friends loves what's this right? It could seem like a very very deep pressure cooker. Also an interesting thing is not a mitzvah is not one of the 630 mitzvah is not one of the 630 mitzvah. You would think, wow, that's a pretty big mitzvah. It's bigger than all the other mitzvah should be the first mitzvah. It's not a mitzvah. You could look in the list. Why not? >> It's a way of life. >> Oh, cuz it's it's not because it's not important. Cuz it's the essence of all the mitzvah. Cuz this is about who you are as a person. And that's really what we have to understand. If I see my relationship with Hashem as a burden. God is this bully king who hates me in the first place. He created the world, as people sometimes say, to torture people. This is sadism. This is barbarity at its best. But an elled is a vending machine. If you put in enough quarters, you're going to get him smiling and maybe he'll give you a half decent year. If that's the attitude towards Rashashana and Judaism, it's really really it's so painful. It's so torturous. And really, if that's Judaism, it makes sense why so many young people don't want to have any anything to do with it. Why would I want a relationship with such a type of of of a spouse with such a type of father or mother or brother or sister or husband or wife if I knew my wife is out to get me? >> Huh? >> I mean many people >> I know that you say this this was this your >> I mean >> you could be blunt here. It's fine. [Music] >> Okay. You're asking for a friend. We'll do it that way. Let's put it this way. You're saying it's the of some people. I know. That's why I'm talking about it. >> I know that it's >> tell the kids if you if you become or change your religion, >> right? I know that. I did it once. >> I did it once. I was once we had an amuna class in the tent on on 184ch and there were probably 500 people there. I don't know a few hundred people there. And uh a lot a lot of very very religious people, you know, classic my classic humus. And uh and I asked this question. I said if you had if God told you I'm going on vacation for two weeks and for two weeks I don't care what you do. I'm out. I'm out. God says I'm going to Hawaii. I don't know what's the nice vacation resorts. Huh? >> Problem is God you have to tell God that there's kabat over there. So they're not going to let him get away. Okay. But Sean they're going to talk about him over there too. But I asked him if God goes on vacation he says do whatever you want. I'm not looking. No punishment garnished. Right. And and a lot of people got very excited from the from the idea or as you said if you ask him if you could relieve the religion or could convert. So this makes sense. If I felt that my husband or my wife I'm stuck in a marriage and it's not even like a marriage because a marriage you can get divorced here. You can't get divorced. It's like I'll punish you for getting divorced. Right? It's worse than a marriage. It's like a father and a mother. You could move out one day. Move out here. You can't move out. Uncle says, "Hashem is here. Hashem is truly everywhere." Da da da. Really? What about my bathroom? Oh, he's there, too. What about the He's there. So, vish Australia, New Zealand. No, they say he's in New Zealand, too. If the relationship is I mean, relationship with a spouse or a parent or somebody and the foundation of the relationship is deep, deep, deep negativity or even just neutrality, but not positivity. What a torturous place to be and who wants to maintain such a relationship especially this time of the year becomes so so hard for people is so much deeper it's really recognizing that the hashem we talk about what is that that is the source of all love in the world this doesn't mean we understand everything that happens in life we don't we all know that there's a lot a lot of pain in this world and as we speak individually collectively But the creator of all love, the creator of all oneness, the creator of all compassion is one source and we are all part of that oneness. Really means mindfulness. It means that whatever you're doing, be attached to yourself. Be intimate with yourself. Yeah. When I'm eating a piece of food, I don't want to forget about Hashem because that means forgetting about me, forgetting about Jacobson in his truest form. It means I'm just starving and I'll just eat whatever I see. That means forgetting about me. Means never forget about your true essence. When I'm hiking or when I'm exercising or when I'm in the office trying to make a couple of dollars, I don't want to forget about God. I don't want to forget about me. I don't want to have to be a shark or rude or or manipulative or lying or deceptive. means in every experience you can have intimacy with Hashem. Everything when I eat or when I sleep, when I take a shower, when I take a walk, when I'm in a conversation with somebody, when I'm doing business, when I'm stomp smoozing with somebody about some leak in my ceiling, whatever it is, I can have intimacy with Hashem. Wow. That's called a life of dignity. That's called a life of grace. It means in you when you're looking at your Oh, there's there's a line I saw last week. Wow, I melted in in in in Zoya. is an expression. It says in your eyes are the eyes of doves. Why are we called doves? So the med says if you ever see doves they love looking at each other. The male and the female they look at each other. You ever see doves they stand what are you looking? Other birds they're busy. They look at each other for hours and they push have a joy from it and they're also loyal to each other. You know, they're monogamous, huh? For life, >> not like most other birds or mammals. So, your eyes are like doves. God says, I so love looking at you and you so love looking at me. Says asks, he says, I understand Hashem says, I love looking at you, but what does it mean we love looking at him? Where do we look at him? And he says this, he could literally cry. says since so a Jew knows that whatever he or she is looking at they're really looking at Hashem since there's nothing outside of him whatever I'm looking at I'm really looking at Hashem so he says wow I love looking at you and I love that you love looking at me that's a relationship of whatever I'm looking at I could be looking at my wife what do I see I see really Hashem I'm looking at my child I see Hashem I'm looking at my grandchild I see Hashem I see I'm looking at the forest I see Hashem. I see Hashem. That's real. That means looking at something. If I'm not If I'm not seeing Hashem, I'm actually not seeing them. I'm seeing blockages, cover-ups. I'm seeing. If I'm really seeing you, what what am I seeing? If I'm really seeing you, I'm seeing Hashem. That's what So that can't be a mitzvah. You know why? Because that's who you are. Basically, this is says this is who I am. Could I give you a mitzvah on who you are? Can I give you a mitzvah? be a human being, not a horse. Okay, what should I do? I could tell you I could tell somebody eat like a human being, not like a horse. Yeah, but I can't tell I can't give you a mitzvah. Be this. This is who you are. But is describing the essence of who a person is and automatically this is how I live. This is something beyond the mitzvah. And that's the idea that ll is a weekday. It's not shabas. A weekday means it's a day that you're doing your regular things. You're just doing your regular things. The power of the relationship isn't the regularity of it, the simplicity of it, the mundainess of it. Shabas are great days. There are days of holiness of explosion of kaduca and you go out of your regular routine in order to absorb it. The month of means this is who I am. It's a self-respect that's constant that's continuous. It's a self-respect that is rooted in divine respect in a and is Hashem because really whatever we're seeing is Hashem. Have a beautiful and amazing and inspiring week. Thank you very much.