Rabbi Benny: the Most Macho Holiday

so recently I went to buy a carton for those who don't know cartels are what roomies wear around their coats when they Dobbin it's those long black strings you know why because it's there's nothing a lot more embarrassing than getting caught with your pants down the middle of Amida actually sounded better in my head my name if I'm in this store and I'm looking to buy a garter and there's like six different sizes for the garter alright the guard goes range from size 8 feet to the length of chilly all right I don't know if there's anyone in history ever walked out of a Judaica store fitting room with a guard in hand and says no that one was a little bit too snug for me and then he looks over to like the baggies like I'm gonna go with the one that says ring around Saturn like I'm not a marketing kind of marketing genius but I think like a nutritionist should just drop a few pamphlets around those guard cool baskets and then so then after I bought my guard tool I went to get a Caputo right the Caputo's those long black coats and I walk in and I find one that you know I guess fits me and then before I leave the guy gingerly hands me a ziploc bag with 12 spare buttons you know what to make of it like is that some sort of subliminal messaging in there I don't know is it generic that they give they give these extra buttons from experience or maybe they saw me come in and the guy whispers to the cashier you know just trust me on this one and then I came with the package so I don't want to waste money you know I want to get my money's worth so I'm I'm making sure that I'm growing into those extra buttons of course but anyways yeah last week we celebrated pace of Shanee and you know Shanee is the classic message that it's never ever too late there's always time for a second chance which makes me wonder you know if it was a second Konica or a second poram I'd be okay with that you know the rabbi's come to me a month after Hanukkah they're like okay we want to give you a special Jewish message it's never too late you're gonna have to celebrate eight days of Hanukkah again you're gonna have to light candles for eight days I know it's a little annoying but you're gonna get the goods you're gonna get presents every day you get a bunch of trips you get your Hanukkah gelt you get jelly doughnuts a lot okay I'm fine with that or pouring the next way the Emporium it's never too late you always have a second chance to catch up on your mistakes you're gonna have parties you're gonna have to listen to me gila for 30 minutes but it's worth it right I'd be totally okay with that but no but the rabbi's are like no peace after we eat matzah a month later the rabbi's gingerly walk up they're like what should we do now you know it's been a month after they say hey well why not let's make Jews eat matzah for a second doing we just by the way we're in middle of spear summer do you know the real reason why we count seven weeks of Omir we do that because that's the average amount of time it takes to recover from eating matzah slimy slimy I heard you you know we haven't seen him recently he's been out with an acute mobster trauma he's out for seven weeks right it's a it's a legitimate sports injury so now again with Pesach if the rabbi's would have come a month later and they're like okay guys you want to tell your message of a second chance hany we're all gonna give you a few comon gifts again or we're all gonna go on another trip that's okay I'm cool with that but why moths are the only part of Pesach that we're so traumatized from they come in and give us much it's like hey it's never too late for constipation you know and I'm like okay so I'll have the matzah can I at least have like a barbecue barbecue some needs some lamb or something and they're like no no that's too similar to Temple times the temple doesn't exist okay and you've got some music call some friends make a pun off spear at home where you can't have music just eat the matzah and suffer in silence so you know you know you know you know you know like friends when you have friends over for a party and then you're like you know you finish the party and you as they're leaving you're like hey that was great you know so your friends like Hanukkah and porom like you're normal you know they understand like yeah we'll see you next year once a year is good you know but Pesach he's like that friend who you know you tell him come back any time and a month later he's like knocking at your door remember that time you told me to come back and and you're less you know and you're like okay I'll let you in this time but but this time I'm sorry I'm not doing what I did last time last time you made me kick out comets he was very offended this time you guys are gonna have to learn to live together that's that space of Shanee and then and then again also with piece of Shanee like it's marketing genius from the rabbi's I think like poor m and ASA and probably all the holidays it's just like after pouring the rabbi's got together and they're like okay we have an abundance of nosh in our home and we got to sell these boxes so let's just make it forbidden to have any nosh you got to get rid of all of your nosh you got rid of all your comments get ready for the whole summer Spock you know the whole summer line of foods and whatnot and Jewish items so and then Pesach comes and the rabbi's are sitting there like oh yeah everyone has extra like 30 pounds extra of matzah in their home what are we gonna do with that we'll just make a religious holiday and force people and make them feel guilty if they don't need all the matzah you know that's a marketing genius like we you know fashion companies when it comes to the summer they just are giving 50% 70% off you know they get ready for the sun line you just have to make a religious holiday which makes them feel all guilty if they don't do it and then it's it's it's a given it's so easy right and then we celebrated we just celebrated love boomer love Burma is such a happy day there's music is dancing bonfires one of my favorite days of the year and then of course the story goes that rubbishy Mubarak I he was passing away and his students were like all crying next to the bedside you know and don't go and you know he weakly he opens his eyes and he tells us students guys though don't be sad don't cry be happy be happy and there was the one guy in the back who took him seriously he's like the guy when your wife tells you no don't buy me a birthday present it's just sitting here with you is so nice you know you use a guy who didn't buy his wife the birthday present right so every day on the same York site he's like making like rave parties telling his buddies getting drunk going crazy Robbie Shipman is like looking down from heaven is right oh that's a little too much you know I didn't mean that but anyways but like glamour is amazing because you know like family we like bomb fires we shoot bows and arrows it's basically just you know explosions and weapons that's like oh it's the most macho holiday of all the other holidays the only thing I'm expecting the rabbi's Institute is that every lot warmer we should all get a skull and crossbones tattoo on our shoulders you know the smell because rabbi Shimon was in a cave for 12 years troz bone looks like an olives and it's Kabbalah I guess but yeah you know when it when it comes to live Omer it's such a macho holiday all the men are like you know go shopping I got this we're Manning the barbecue to my experience and of course my wife's experience more you know when you when a man says he's Manning a barbecue and he tells his wife to take the day off that's when the wife wants to buckle down because she's not getting a day off like I tell her you know okay I got this where I'm doing the barbecue I got the grill I'm gonna go get the coals and next thing you know my wife I'm just before you leave I just need a potato salad I need some coleslaw I need two dips get the sodas can you prepare the burgers please right so she's in the kitchen all day preparing for my barbecue though I'm getting the credit for and all I end up doing is just flipping burgers and taking the credit everyone's like Betty nice barbecue nice barbecue you know of course the next morning when my wife is cleaning up after the mess we made you know I go I'm like hey honey we should do this again sometime you know and she said yeah any time Joey come back any time I'm