Jerry Kahn: You Know You're a Frummie When

you know the coronavirus really started taking shape around rosh chodesh Adar and you know of course Aadhaar is famous for now folk who and certainly and that's what's happening right here i start off doing stand-up and now I'm doing sit-down comedy and I'm telling everybody to keep their cell phones on you know everyone's supposed to practice social distancing and the US government is saying that everybody should stay six feet apart and in other countries where they use the metric system they're saying should be two meters apart according to halakha the proper distance is da la da modes it took me quite a while but I finally found in open Pesach program and it was really good they cleaned everything really thoroughly really mock me about that and they let you stay for two weeks gave you three meals a day is right by the airport the program is called quarantine my name is Eliyahu Hanavi and I'm an alcoholic [Laughter] you know people speaking about this Seder I love the Pesach Seder you start off telling stories about slavery and yet see out me try him by time you're done you've had way too much to drink you're singing about a goat and you're asking each other who knows what 13 is now a lot of times people do have too much to drink at the Seder in one of the ways you can tell you've had too much to drink is if you start singing who knows twelve I know twelve on the twelfth day of Christmas um you know Hagaddah it talks about the Mun the mud was this white flaky food it could taste like anything you want it tastes like cheese it can taste like meat you could taste like ice cream today we call it tofu true story one time when I was a kid I came up with the greatest place to hide the optical men nobody came close to finding it I hit it with the clements you know in the Haggadah tells a story about rabbi eliezer of yeshua and some other rabbis who are having a seder the Seder lasted all night finally morning arrived and their students came to them and said you like rabbi Carbaugh cleaved the whole Seder a [Laughter] friend of Mines being on Pesach a friend of mine celebrates Pesach and Pesach Shanee it's not that he's religious he's just a neat freak speaking about the holidays I work as a Lula vennett Road salesman it's a great job every year I get 51 weeks of vacation a friend of Mines a ball Juba and one time he invited me over to his suka and you know I want to make sure that he's religious and if I asked you know is your Sokka kosher so he said I hold by the strictest standards of kashrut and so I went there and he was right the Sukkos Pesach dick you know we Jews are a lot different in everybody else we think differently we act differently we worry a lot we celebrate our holidays differently take New Year's for example how did the Christians celebrate New Year's parties champagne the ball drops right out of the Chinese celebrate New Year's parades fireworks dragons costumes how do we celebrate New Year's we spend half the day in synagogue begging God not to kill us this year [Laughter] this past Yom Kippur I finally had the right idea I finally got it right I dive in with the hush communion it was great we did all the Dominic did the landing blew the shofar finishing plenty of time for lunch now Hanukkah is a holiday that we celebrate because of three miracles that happened 2200 years ago but you really want to hear about two of the miracles not so much about the third hear about the menorah staying lit for eight days instead of one right here about the small number of Jews defeating the vast powerful Greek army right but do you under him much about the third miracle which to me was the biggest one somebody in Israel discovered oil I went to a single Shabbat on last weekend and I made kiddush for everyone at my table but some of the women at the other tables were also yo say because walls making kiddush I had them in mind as a teenager my family and I didn't really get along that well I still remember in my bar mitzvah I went up to the Bema and delivered my speech and my parents came up and gave the rebuttal friend of Mines of all Juba and he accidentally made one of his pots tray so he went to his Rob and asked how do you construe it so the Rob said you construe it the same way you made a tray so he went out and bought some more pork I moved to a new community a while ago and let's checking out different communities before I moved there and one of the community seemed to little be a little bit too modern for me they had a wireless Arab a guy comes to shul late one day and he goes up to the person next to him a we up to ASHRAE she goes Lowell a new like that I went to a singles event the other day I walked up to this woman I said hi I'm Jerry she said I'm Anita I said that's okay I could wait a week you know in the end of parshat north beginning of parsha had left with barbara working in his father's Idol shop and all the idols get destroyed except for one and Tara comes back and says what happened and ever um accuses one of the idols of destroying all the others then Avram Dobbins ty Shem Hashem says I want you to change your name from Abram to Abraham I want your wife to change her name from sorry to Sarah and I want to move to this new place so here you have it Avram accuses one of the idols of destroying all the others he has to change his name his wife has to change her name and if we move to a new place and there you have the first example of the federal witness protection program [Laughter] is jafer Jay walks up to me and says join us and you're gonna go to heaven otherwise you're gonna go to Jahannam and so I said so what you're saying is you're saying that all j4j go to heaven so he goes yeah so I said let me see if I understand what you're saying you're saying that heaven is full of j4j so he goes yeah so I said I can't imagine how Jahannam could be worse oh really bad cook and right after I finished cooking something at one runs right away to bench go Mel my neighbors there's the husband his name Gedaliah like some Gedaliah and the wife's name is Esther like Tonia Esther their kids won't eat a thing now a lot of times people wonder they're a from me or not so I have developed a test that can determine if somebody is a from your nut so if you've never seen a commercial for a restaurant that you can eat it you might be a from me if the fanciest five course meal you've ever eaten was served on paper plates you might be from me if you think the Colonial Williamsburg is in Brooklyn you might be if you have a username or a password with 613 in it you might be from me if you know what time the Sun set last week you might be a from me if you've ever if you think that three dates is a long term relationship you might be from me if you've ever been to a singles event where the men and women are kept separately you might be from me if you're still wearing the same clothing style this year as six generations ago you might be from me if you think that the movie men in black was filmed in your neighborhood you might be from me you spent more money on your head then on your car you might be from me you knew it Oleg um was when you were 10 years old you might be from me if you deleted the cookies from your hard drive right before Pesach you might be a brownie if you've ever been to a fancy five-star steakhouse in order to salad you might be up from me I'm not sure how much time I have so I guess I'll end on this this drunk guy walks into a bar Oh enough about me [Laughter]