Jake Turx: Things I'd trust more than Dr Jake Turx

sir-sir no yeah I was actually ready to go on time but I just wanted to have the opportunity to say that Saul is a tough act to follow and that's why I thank you yeah funny that that he brought up that exchange I had with Trump three years ago it happened so long ago on three years and in Trump years is like four thousand years and I like totally forgot about it but thanks for reminding me about it yeah that's always good okay are we on are we doing this we ready live and the laugh track is activated good good good okay so first of all I want to say actually I want to apologize for being late I spent the last two hours searching for IRA mayor byline s Pushpa couldn't figure out who to donate money to if you would have kept the laugh track off I would have gotten to say uh-oh crowd what happens you know I mean people keep asking me about the whole doctor thing dr. Jake Turks MHD so just want to put it all out there I'm not a doctor I did get an NHD that part is true you know where I got my NHD from everywhere NHD stands for no have diploma okay everyone gave me an NHD so now one day not too long ago I realized that there's so many lives that I can save by advising people not to ingest fish tank cleaner that's all it took and suddenly according to Twitter I'm a doctor now so here's everything I know about being a doctor okay there's like this patient shows up I have a headache should I address fish tank cleaner no oh don't ingest fish tank cleaner book it simple another guy I'm constipated should I ingest fish tank cleaner and I'm like nope also I'm guessing you don't need all this extra toilet paper over here [Laughter] now the guy comes in hey I'm a fish am I taking these cleaning what should I do now I'm like I don't know what you should do but I know what I need to do I need to stop snorting so much fish tank cleaner anyway that's how I became a doctor my life doesn't feel that much different to be honest though I must say being a doctor does come with some of its own privileges like for example I'm now officially eligible to marry Ben Shapiro okay we're going out one guy watch this Ben Shapiro yes okay we're all for all of you just watch him for two minutes and see how long it takes in to work in the doctor part of this you'll see you'll see what I'm talking about okay seriously would you trust a doctor Jake Turks I certainly wouldn't my own my own Arab doesn't hold of me I'm not I'm not a legit doctor and take it from me I know I'm a doctor here are a list of things that I would trust more than dr. Jake Turks ready doctor Zelenko I'm joking okay here's the realist here here's what I've come up with things that I would trust more than dr. Jake service let's see how many of y'all get these okay xiaolin at Eric's wall Wells house okay Manos from Bill Cosby draggers produced by the youth in Astros abayas from LA what you gonna do right about this Bernie Sanders as my soul's Candy Man anaconda to do and then the Rav shows up and he's like aerobics we're all these candies from you I paid this bamboo okay you trying to keep it family friendly over here here's the next thing I would trust more than dr. Jake Turks shmoo rubato okay think about this one Shema Amata by Epstein's jail guards oh by the way by the way you know what else the guards weren't watching Epstein killing himself all right all right here's another one a coupon to ear campaign on behalf of a Nigerian prince and my personal favorite with with you buy and alia from battle Trump imagine Donald Trump as the gabay of a show okay Matthew Matthew Jonah by the way I like master and it's with Yoda so I call it Master Yoda I made I invented that I did and the best one so anyway you're a great guy tremendous energy but he was eaten by a fish a big leaf I'm not guys who were eaten by fish all right now okay here's the last one didn't have a chance to get into character you know Saul had me have you laughing so much okay all right here's the last one on the list you know what else I would trust more than dr. Jake Turks Joe Biden's memory here's why I ask that the sound that the following is be unmuted because you guys are gonna be part of this one okay Joe Biden's memory is so bad how bad is it oh my god fines memory right Joe finds memory is so bad that you know the thing by the way you know where I got that one from I got the one from Joe Biden from the time when he served as a cousin in in the show by sursum a Trueba and you would go it is not Ashley soon that's what Kobe Bryant said when the pilot announced no no but seriously too soon some of my best ideas are like way ahead of their time for example okay here's an idea I came up with years ago but people just hey I would be totally fine if the Egyptians got four markets and they even got ten cups of wine how about some hi Simon you're in okay so that's I mean I do it I would invite you to my Seder but you know oh and again and also I don't know how I don't have enough I decided I am NOT making a scene this year I instead sold my behavior to a going for trace of not smart yes I remember the my my Rebbe in class you know first time he explained it to us he says and remember Sal you hobbits who are going you say a GUI or a guy so ago you're shy against aha well I mean my Rob is a shy gets cannae decel to him comes from okay if you forgot to sell your comments before pays off don't worry you could always sell you our various before Yom Kippur okay in other news mushiya arrived in Israel a couple of weeks ago but nobody noticed because he was immediately placed in the quarantine you know after Messiah arrives we'll reminisce about how much we suffered from the Romans the yvonne and the persians the cossack he positioned the Muslims the Crusades the Communists the Nazis and also that one time some Ksyusha dude was kicked out of it the yoader maintenance shop near Monroe by the way you know I mean I took those two from my own Twitter I mean that's that's where those two came from and some of you may have noticed that thanks for thanks for keeping your mouth shut but I'll spoil this feel but but look I mean let's be honest let's be honest you'll want to joke that didn't come for my Twitter feed you want a joke that didn't come for my Twitter feed okay fine I mean I'm not hearing any opposition so here's what okay you ready and then you'll understand in a second why this is this was not over okay all right here we go ever heard of Chicken Soup for the Soul yeah in wuhan bat soup will take care of the rest of your body is the reason I did tweet that one okay yeah you want another one okay just one more okay I just came up with my own coronavirus test all right the good news yeah I came up with it's mine I'm the right the good news it's free Sam Street the bad news it takes two weeks for the results to come in yeah we're keeping that week in this so this is these are the stuff I don't I come up with these things all the time and then I don't and I don't need the world to know something's a lot to want to know for example I think it's very considerate of China to force the entire world into quarantine but Chinese families only have one kid per family come on come on be fair China come on easy for you to do right yeah yeah by the way for all you all you people suffering from a shortage of toilet paper not that it helps I want you to know this isn't the first time there's been a shortage of toilet paper why do you think matzo was invented a toilet that uses dots I'd like to see that Joe Pesci's nurses would be incredible you got to keep it clean it's not gonna be easy you know okay all right no we're almost done hey here's a round here's a random thought I had because people are saying about like a Maron but I'll meet the maghreb yeah Kiba and coronavirus and all that then I'm thinking wow follow me follow me along with this one okay both ribs shimmer by a high and Harmon hog Augie are there they basically one thing to have in common is that neither of them ever killed any juice they both kill the same number of Jews and we celebrate them yeah they both kill the same number of Jews think about it right and we celebrate both of their deaths but we celebrate the death of jamon more why do you think that is why I don't know no I'm just telling you something why why are we more happy when Hama died then remember height I mean I don't know if I knew I would tell you I'm not like withholding information I'm sharing a lot of other things with you that probably should've this year okay all right all right whatever listen honestly I didn't show up tonight expecting to kill but then again neither did Epstein thank you