Cholentface: The four groups of hat buyers

My wife sent me to go get a hat the other week she told me, Zvi, this time get a real hat. I don't want a knock off or it's going to be a divorcalino. So I went to this hat store and the place was mobbed and I noticed that there are four different kinds of people in a hat store four different kinds you have the Lubavitchers the Lubavitchers want a hat that they can punch back in it needs to look really smashed and the front needs to come to a point the sharper it is the easier it is to get through 770 with no problems that's the Lubavitchers. Then you have Lubavitch lite like this where it barely has a brim at all I mean, it serves no purpose it doesn't bock the sun you can still look at women what purpose does the hat serve? another group is the Litvishers the Litvishers are very concerned about dust on their hat they're looking through the hats and they're checking they're the ones who actually buy the hat brushes you ever see these hat brushes? Ladies, have you ever seen your husband use a hat brush? Let me explain what they are you know those brushes you use to wash the dishes? They paint them brown, and they're hat brushes they buy them and they're cleaning but for me, I just blow and I'm ready for Shabbos I do that with my shoes as well sneakers the Litvish lite they're the ones taking their hat they're trying it on and saying does this make me look like Mel Gibson? They're always choosing antisemites they're like, this is the Louis Farrakhan look here's Henry Ford