Cholentface: Rabbi Hershcovich conducts a funeral

We're gathered here to commemorize the late Doris Berger, who was a dear... what? Darius? Darius Berger? But why would her name be Darius? Ah, his name! ...to commemorize the late Darius Berger who was a dear mother FATHER to Reuven Shimon, Levi, and Christina. I need to make mention that we are in middle of a GoFundMe campaign 24 hours, all or nothing every dollar octupled which ends in four minutes Ooh, Mr. Tuch! Thank you so much for your generous donation of two dollars and twenty five cents effectively octupled to eighteen dollars Chai. Do you want to change it to something more appropriate like Meis? Four hundred and forty? In other organizations when you give them your dollar it pays to fund a meeting for another meeting where they decide to give your money to lehavdil elef havdalos Hezbollah. But at Chabad every single dollar goes directly towards strengthening the Yiddishkeit in this city through pro bono funerals such as this one. And tomorrow's Bris as well. So Al Kol Ponim, over all the faces Mushkaleh Mushkaleh, ich bin in mitten (I'm in middle of...) Vilst zehn (wanna see) Captain Underpants oif Netflix? That was an educational moment For those who didn't understand Yiddish I told her that while we proceed with the proceedings she can watch videos of Chassidic gatherings... Let me explain why she's here. My wife, my eishes chayil my woman of vaylor she's out of town, in New York. She's at the Ohel of the Rebbe Melech Hamo-Zecher Tzaddik Livracha the resting place where her sister is about to get engaged we're very very excited. It's normal in Lubavitch to get engaged at a cemetery. That's because marriage is compared to death and children to Gehinnom. You know, I remember my own engagement many years back. Ahhhh... It was the first time I had showered in MONTHS. There I was in a box because I'm a Kohen - a priest and priests aren't allowed in Jewish cemeteries. And my beautiful financee my financee was dressed to the nines and she was wearing crocs because shoes are also not allowed in a Jewish cemetery. ...And I ate so many Ohel cookies... You know Can you imagine the Hashgacha Protis the divine provinces that my wife is right now at a cemetery and we're in the middle of conducting a funeral! It's Morahdik! It's scary! Al kol ponim - over all the faces Darius was a... He was a... a very, ah... a man who ran to do Mitzvos What? He had no legs? And he was in prison? For what, embezzle-MANSLAUGHTER? But how did he kill someone without any legs? Do you know by any chance if his victim was Jewish? Did someone get paid to say Kaddish for him? Ok, while I clearly didn't know Darius personally Chassidus explains that sometimes a Neshama - a soul comes down to this world for seventy or eighty years to make a Dira Loi Yisborech a resting place for G-d Almighty Betachtoinim - in his underpants. We're now we're now going to do the Keriya ceremony I'd like to ask the mourners to please rise and start tearing your shirts Reuven, I told you already please don't bring the tearaway pants that's not the appropriate kind of tearing. Put away the boombox and turn off the rave music please. Shimon and Levi, I see you also brought tearaway pants. STOP DANCING! PLEASE, PLEASE! This is a funeral! It's not appropriate! We're now going to say a couple of Kapitlach some chapters of Tehillim - Psalms Mushkaleh, vos? VOS?? (what?) Gey avek (go away) Kuk oif Captain underpa - Harav Tachtoinim oder ich vet aich gebben a GROISEH FRASK OIFEN PONIM (or I'll give you a big slap in your face) That was another educational moment I told my daughter to read an app, for the Psalms That she can swipe... VOS? Ah, Mameh ruft? (Mommy is calling?) Shternie, Hello? Yeah, is Shaindel engaged? She's not engaged? What happened? They pushed it off? Why? He got the measles? After visiting us last week? Oy, what a tragedy! I can't imagine anything sadder than this! There's no one who feels sadder than I do right now One second. Reuven, when you rip it use a knife, ok? Tear it like... Ok, I'm in middle of conducting a funeral so please bring me two cups of Ohel cookies the chocolate chip ones. THEY ONLY HAVE MARBLE? Ok, go inside Go talk to Reb Abba - EVERYONE DOES THIS Ok listen. Let me explain. You take coffee cups I know they are smaller but They used to be big but then after the great Ohel cookie shortage of '98 Ok. Ok, see you later, Bli Neder. In a while, eishes chayil. Kel malei rachamiwiwiwiwim GEVALD! THE GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN ENDS IN THREE TWO ONE WE DID IT!!! WE RAISED FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! (Chassidic singing) What a relief! This is amazing! I can't imagine anyone feeling happier than I do right now. You know I promised the machers - the matchers that we were going to raise the full amount and we would raise it locally but about an hour ago we had only raised five hundred dollars so I went to the bank and I took out a one thousand dollar loan which was octupled and Boruch Hashem we were able to make it! Wow, I'm so happy! So where were we? Oh yes. Everyone please out your shovels and shovel at least a kezayis the size of an olive that has a Piamenta in it. Mazhiriwiwiwiwiwiwim es nishmas.... Daryavesh Ben... What? He was a dog? Darius was a dog? He was a dog. Well in that case we have a different Bracha that we say a different blessing... BARUCH SHEPTARANI MEHAOINESH HALAZEH! (blessed is he who releases me from this punishment) The shloshim is going to be in thirty days which in dog years is 4.7 days which Behashgacha Protis - with divine provinces is this Shabbos and we don't yet have a sponsor for Kiddush so Reuven, Shimon, Levi and Christina... A hundred and eighty dollars... Shkoiach You know what? Maybe this is the whole reason Darius died... I'd like to thank all of you for coming but if you'll excuse me, I need to go collect eighteen dollars from my babysitter. Thank you. That was Gevaldik! www.frumprov.com