From SCAPEGOAT to family CYCLE BREAKER | Adult children of narcissistic parents

foreign if you are a black sheep a scapegoat a family Outcast coming from a family where there is a narcissistic parent and you're looking for a spiritual Paradigm within which to understand that craziness and hopefully to be the cycle breaker and to get out this video may be for you my name is Rabbi Chase Taub I'm a rabbi I'm not a mental health professional this is not mental health advice this is a spiritual context within which to perhaps begin to Envision a healthy way to redefine your role and to be a cycle breaker Black Sheep boats and cycle Breakers which is really synonymous because ultimately the greatest gift that the black sheep and the scapegoats have is that they're probably from all of the people in the dysfunctional family the ones who are most likely to actually leave to get out of it and then not to perpetuate it and be able to raise the first healthy family in their in their bloodline so where am I supposed to begin here like I said I'm not a healthy not a mental health professional I'm not a psychologist not a therapist so I'm not here to like explain this from a mental health point of view I'm not qualified to do so I'm just going to tell you from my amateur perspective here's here's what I see here's what I see over and over again you have a family where you have somebody a parent who nowadays is pretty common to call them a narcissist somebody who is self-consumed and a perfectionist and can never be wrong can never be wrong and then you have a spouse to that parent who's what you might call the narcissistic enabler meaning covering up for the parent who can never be wrong and usually that that spouse is a very broken person which wouldn't really shock you because if you're married to somebody who has zero compassion empathy humility you you would be exhausted too so that that person ends up being a very very sad and broken person a shell and then you have the kids so the kids are all handed a rule book for how to survive in this home but the rule book is all in code it's all a hint it's all with a wink it's not explicitly stated anywhere but people learn these rules so that they don't become the object of the narcissistic Wrath and basically the rule book there's really one major rule which is that the the self-consumed immature parent can never be wrong ever can never be wrong and then the the siblings the kids what happens is very often there's a there's a a child who's chosen and why is this child chosen you know you could form theories about it other times it's hard to say why why that child but this this is the child who singled out as the scapegoat and by scapegoat I mean literally um they play the role that the actual you know what the actual escape code is I mean so oh I am a rabbi so this I can actually speak with authority about the scapegoat uh in the times of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur on the day of atonement so part of the ritual was that there was a lottery which randomly selected a goat one goat was a sin offering but the other goat would be the scapegoat and they would take him out outside of the city to a cliff and they would toss them off a cliff and that was part of the atonement of the people I'm not going to get into a whole discussion about whether that seems barbaric to you and um probably most of us today have a hard time automatically relating to animal animal sacrifice to begin with that's not my point here and I don't want you to get distracted uh by that but the metaphor is what's important here that just like there was a scapegoat in the Holy Temple that would carry the guilt of the people so too there's this child who carries the guilt of the family more specifically the The Shame of the Shameless parent meaning there's a parent Who's acting shamelessly but will not own up to their Shameless Behavior somebody has to bear that guilt it is transferred onto that child why that child I don't know much like the escape the scapegoat in the temple was chosen at random sometimes this selection seems to be pretty random in other words it has nothing to do with the child's Behavior it's not like the child did anything that they would be more worthy of blame in the family than anyone else it just becomes this is the person who is the go-to object of blame to the point where that becomes the in-joke you know who broke it oh so and so oh who didn't put such and such a way so and so oh who parked the car wrong go so and so who didn't clean the dishes properly so and so it's always that's the person who got everything wrong why are we late who made us late oh so and so um the siblings obviously are living in Terror of becoming the scapegoat so it's kind of hard to really blame them especially when they're children for being complicit in this sick pattern but they are going along with it because they're relieved it's not them to make matters where sometimes you even see that one of the other children has been selected for another role that sometimes they call The Golden Child the child who can do no wrong so that you have the child in one family who can do no right literally is always at fault and then you have the child who can do no wrong who's always good the the child who can do no right not only can do no right but if they ever experience express any type of pride or satisfaction in their accomplishments they will be torn apart to pieces like they come home with a good report card and they just want to show it to their parents and be like hey I work really hard this semester I got good grades they will be thoroughly punished for that why because they're messing up the whole scapegoat system because you need to be the one who's full of Shame and blame in order that the narcissistic parent can be spotless and Flawless and completely without guilt so in this scapegoat child has any sense of accomplishment or self-esteem that's going to be totally demolished immediately without Mercy and of course you you could understand why somebody who grows up that way would have a really hard time having any sense of self-worth you could also understand why someone who grows up that way would have a really hard time uh trusting people you could also even understand why when they do form bonds very often they look for perhaps unconsciously that which is familiar and they are attracted to really abusive humiliating relationships often at any rate so I'm out of my element I'm just speaking about something really without any Authority I'm just describing a pattern that I've seen and for whatever it's worth I don't know if you relate to it you don't relate to it if you believe me you don't believe me but it's common enough that I can at this point I can spot it pretty quickly when somebody starts talking to me and within 30 seconds of their story it it it's pretty clear that that's what the what the story is okay so what do I have to offer over here as as a rabbi okay I'm not curing anybody's mental health issues I'm not I I've no I don't have the first clue about any of that here's what I can tell you um first of all I can offer you a little bit of maybe perhaps biblical insight that is my training that is where I'm qualified speak so I want to talk to you a little bit about a model for dealing with a dysfunctional head of a family may even call him a narcissist someone's completely self-consumed can do no wrong consummate victim not only he can do no wrong but everyone's always wronging him he's always always the victim and that's um loving where they say in English Laban Lovin was the father-in-law of yankovino our forefather Jacob so he was pretty abusive he took advantage of his son-in-law Jacob put him to work and he changed the deal that's what they always do they changed the deal just when you think that you've learned the rules they changed the rules on you because if you succeed you're not allowed to succeed you have to fail so if you succeed under one set of rules they'll change the rules to make sure that you fail and that's what Lovin did with jankivi changed the rules on him changed the terms of the agreement over and over again and finally at some point jankovino said it's time to go I gotta go now I just want to point out that jankovino did not grow up in this family he married into it so it's it is quite different because thank God he grew up in a family where he was supported and that that's very very different you know you you can tell when you talk to somebody how developed they were when the person who crushed them entered their life it's it's very obvious the difference between somebody who was crushed as a child usually almost always by a parent or somebody who got tangled up with a sick person when they were already an adult and had a more of a formed sense of self the the level of of believing the abuse is not as deep in other words there's always some degree of self-blame that any victim has but when it happens during childhood it becomes the very fabric of the person's personality like that is who I am who am I I am worthy of disgust and revulsion that is my identity I am the one who incurs anger and frustration and wrath because that's just what I am it's who I am I'm constantly unlovable as opposed to someone who that happened to them when they were older already so they don't internalize it as deeply it'll be more like why am I so unlucky why am I so weak why didn't I fight back they'll ask different types of questions well actually they'll ask questions as opposed to the person who had happened to them when they were a child they don't even ask they don't even ask the question because they have the answer already I know why I am garbage so yanderevina was lucky he didn't grow up in it he came to it already as an adult but Lovin was a pretty hardcore uh abuser so there's some interesting Insight here when he finally runs away um I'm just looking here in gracious Genesis chapter 31. um so he catches up with him the Yama love and Liang what did you do you stole my heart right already he's the victim what did you do loving is crushing yankov until Yankee finally does the sensible thing and runs away and then when love and Chase is after chases him he chases him and then what did you do to me right he chases him and says what do you do to me he says why did you run away secretly why did you try to outwit me why didn't you tell me why didn't I tell you I'm running from you why would I tell you I understand the absurdity of the premise why didn't you consult with me when you thought you were going to finally get away from this sickness you should have asked me my my advice right the abuser is saying this you should have asked me whether or not it was smart for you to run away because then I would have talked sense into you and let you know no you need to stay here you need to stay with me but then he makes up what they call he starts hoovering that's you know like Hoover yeah like Hoover Vacuums so then he starts yeah it comes he comes on with the sweet talk you should have told me you know what I would have sent you away with gladness and with songs and with instruments I would have made a party for you sweetie why didn't you tell me you were breaking I would have made you could have left course you could leave and I I myself would make the party for you and then you start thinking oh well maybe maybe why why am I running away from this person the person who's so good to me this person would make a party for me hire a band and then he starts putting on the guilt villain villiv noisai you didn't allow me to kiss my sons and my daughters that means yankov's Sons and daughters or daughter who and also who who were Lovins grandchildren and also lovin's daughters who were yankov's wives like how can you do this how can you do this to a harmless grandfather you don't even allow me to kiss my grandchildren starts putting on the guilt he tried to destroy jankiv when Yankee finally breaks away from it it comes after him with the guilt how can you do you don't let a grandfather kiss his grandchildren how cruel could you be right now all of a sudden start talking about the cruelty the cruelty right you've acted foolishly now it makes you feel like an idiot and if you've been in his grasp for long enough you start questioning yourself maybe I am an idiot it was a dumb move what did I do this for now watch what he says yes I have the power to do bad to you it puts you in your place intimidates you you know I could I could hurt you if I wanted to I'm good I'm compassionate I'm magnanimous so I'm not going to hurt you even though he did hurt you already thousands of times but now he starts saying you know I could hurt you that's that threat that's like inherently gaslighting no I didn't say I was gonna hurt you I said I could hurt you I wouldn't hurt you right you can't nail him down even if you record the thing I didn't say I was going to hurt you God forbid I said you know I have the ability to hurt you Amish but the god of your father came to me last night see in this case loving had a dream he had a vision he saw a vision of God and he came to me and he said be careful don't speak to yankov good or bad that's a miracle that plenty of people in that situation would love to have that God would come down and tell the narcissistic abuser you know what don't talk to them okay I only say nice things no not even nice things don't talk to them good or bad leave them alone vieta now he says going you have surely gone because yearning you have surely been yearning for your father's house this is a very strange verb form this double verb form this is used biblically to describe an ongoing activity you use the same verb twice yearning you've been yearning it's like an ongoing process what is that what does that mean in this in this case that it's an ongoing process loving is telling yankov this is not the first time that you've tried to leave me so why is this different why do you think this time is going to be for real leaving you've been leaving because yearning you've been yearning to go back home you know to a healthy place or if you've never been in a healthy place to go to a healthy place for the first time but the point is he says to him this wasn't the first time you've had these what he calls foolish ideas in the past just when you thought you were at the breaking point and you couldn't stand anymore and you had to get away you've been in that place before but you did the sensible thing and you came to me and you let me talk you out of it in other words the abuser is the therapist the self-appointed therapist when you think yeah the abuser is a self-appointed therapist when you think you can't take any more of my abuse come to me and I'll explain to you why you can take more of it and you should take more of it and it's good for you and it's right you've been yearning for a long time you've been leaving you've been in a process of leaving for a long time why do you think this time you're going to actually get away do what you've always done come back to me come back to me he continues why did you steal my gods if you read on in the story loving who was an idol worshiper had some idolatrous uh paraphernalia and that his daughter Rahul stole it she really confiscated it to get it away from him to try to separate her father from idol worship but there's a there's a deeper meaning which is even closer to the literal reading of the words why did you steal my God what's the what's the god of this narcissistic abuser head of family power and control that's their only God it's not morality it's not Justice not compassion it's not love their God is power and control so he says to jankiv you've been yearning for a long time for a long time you've been trying to get out of here now you're going to make a break for me you're trying to get away you're going to get free You're Going to exit this this system you're going to take away my power over you why did you steal my God in other words for this for loving when yankov leaves him it's not just a broken relationship I mean anybody is paying to buy a broken relationship even a sick person who caused the dysfunction in a relationship can be pained by a broken relationship but this is much more than a broken relationship this is the narcissistic abuser's entire sense of reality it's literally their God and if somebody can escape that sick system especially the scapegoat and the black sheep who's who's whose entire purpose is to Bear the shame and the guilt for the narcissist so they don't have to well you've not just broken a relationship you have stolen my God you've destroyed my entire sense of order in the world that's why I love and couldn't let him do it now thank God at this point Bianca was ready to be healthy and like I said he wasn't raised in this sickness so I'm sure that helped and he tells him the yarn yankov answered and he said to Lovin Ki got AC pentigil s penis you know why I did this because I was afraid because I said maybe you're going to take your daughters by force from me in other words Yankee refused to be civil and polite and play along with the rules where you're not allowed to say what you know the narcissist is trying to do he was done with it he said you know why I did this because if I would have told you I was leaving you would have taken my my family from me which which love and feels is his family it's it's his daughters it's his grandchildren and that's the whole story uh uh there's a distraction about looking for the stolen idolatrous paraphernalia but I just want to go to the end of this story where uh finally there's the The Parting of ways yankov got angry the yacht of beloved and he was fighting with Lovin which is healthy it's good for yemila loving yankov said to loving my pishi what is my transgression what is my sin that you ran after me it's not even relevant what Lovin will answer What charges he'll make will he'll fill in the blank Trump off some charges younger was able to stand up and say what what did I do tell me what I did now Jacob at this point doesn't care what lovin's answer is the point is I know I did nothing wrong I'm not complicit in my own abuse so enough of that we're done with that he tells him the history mark this 20 years I've been with you your use and your she goats didn't miscarry meaning Yankovic the job he had he was a Shepherd so he's saying I took care of your sheep I took care of your goats and took care of your animals and I didn't eat your Rams of your flock I didn't embezzle from you I've been totally straight with you even though you've been very manipulative with me and he explains to him that whenever there was a loss I incurred the loss today if an animal got devoured in the field by a predatory animal I didn't bring it to you and say oh there's a loss yankov says I didn't do that with you I absorbed the loss and you your exactly payment for even things that were Beyond My Control ganous whether it was stolen meaning the the animal the livestock whether it was stolen by day or by Night under any conditions it was always my fault it was never your fault it was always my fault and I went along with it thus I was in the day ate away at me and the frost at night and the Sleep fled from my eyes I didn't sleep this 20 years in your house served you know I served you 14 years for your two daughters that itself started from a manipulative from a from a Swindle remember that he thought he was marrying one daughter and he'd pulled the old Switcheroo on him I've been trapped here because you messed with me from the very beginning and then after those fourteen years I did another six years just working for you because I felt I had nowhere else to go I had no other option so I just kept with you for another six years and you know what happened then the talk leave us you changed my wages ten times you were always changing the rules on me never allowing me to succeed if it wouldn't be for the god of My Father Abraham and the dread meaning God of my father Isaac being with me during this time you would have sent me away completely with nothing you would kicked me to the curb meaning he's saying I'm leaving now with some sheep I did okay with for myself in spite of your abuse but that's because God was with me Amish God has seen the labor of my hands and my Affliction and he gave judgment yesterday meaning when God came to you and said get away from him don't talk to him anymore not good not bad last ditch attempt to control the situation Beyond love and love and answered the Yankees watch this it's the last attempt because Yankovic stood up for himself he said the history he stopped going along with the lie with the false narrative that everyone's supposed to you know the Holocaust revisionism that everybody's supposed to go along with and pretend there's a different history an alternate history the Yonkers said here's the reality you messed with me that's how I ended up here for 14 years then another six years he changed my wages 10 times everything was my fault whether stolen by day stolen by night everything was was on me and and I went with it and I'm done I'm done we're done now what did I do what's my sin here why are you chasing me leave me alone I don't want anything from you I just want to leave Beyond love so loving answered and he said to yankov the daughters are my daughters the habanim bonai and the sons are my sons and the Sheep are my sheep and everything you see here is mine I made you now there's some truth there's a germ of Truth jankov married lovin's daughters so they are his biological daughters not that he treated them very well he exploited and abused them as well through his biological children and therefore by extension their children with yankoves are his biological grandchildren so there is some truth I mean they do have his DNA so when he says it's my daughters it's my sons okay yeah I guess according to DNA not that he treated them in a fatherly way or a grandfatherly way but here's the the assertion that he makes you have nothing you are nothing if you leave you will fail you will be nothing it's all mine everything you have is because of me which is the ultimate lie because everything yankov had was in spite of his relationship with Lovin but lovin's claiming no everything you have is me it's all me I gave it to you you'd have nothing without me but he sees he lost there's no way jakov's gone he's leaving so what happens the ATO now loving says let's make a covenant let's make a peace treaty when he knows there's nothing else left to do because he sees that the scapegoat is leaving the dysfunctional family system so he says but listen okay you want to leave but you know I have to protect myself the abuser has to protect himself I have to protect me we need a peace treaty here I need you to sign an agreement because you know I don't know what you could do you're you're not a stable person we all know that you're not a very trustworthy Pro I don't know what your liable to do to me and you don't have me advising you anymore so you're going to be very unstable so he says so let's make a deal and you and this will be a witness between me and you what was the witness between them there was a stone says in the next verse and he propped it up as a monument it was a demarcation line actually it was you stay on that side I stay on this side leaked yankov said to his brothers gather Stones by the way they were not his brothers he had no brothers there they were his sons he had a healthy relationship with his sons he treated them as peers he called them brothers gather stones and they did they gathered Stones the yasagal and they made a pile al-hagal and they ate there that's how in biblical times they would make a peace treaty is you had to have a peace treaty meal a banquet vehicle loving called that spot the place of the treaty the yankov [Music] called it Gallade which literally means the pile of stones which acts as testimony even when the whole thing is over It's Not Over because loving still has to have his version of the story he can't even agree on the name of the place he has to give it his own name that's so important so hard to get away from a loving and even when you do they will insist upon their narrative and make sure to send it to all of your contacts on social media that everyone should know that they were the victim not you they tried they tried we tried working with him you know we tried but he's not a stable person very dangerous it's very sad in the end yeah he went out on his own I don't I don't know what's going to happen to him I wish him well I do it's very sad everybody knows I'm pesach we we mentioned loving not by name but by his his nickname his biblical nickname you know that in the in the hagoda in the booklet that we follow for the Passover meal so one of the things that we read is Avi yeah arami means Lovin It Means A tricks a trickster arami is a trickster a swindler a swindler sought to destroy my father meaning we the descendants of yankov remember when Lovin the trickster tried to destroy our forefather yankov we say this is by the way a verse also in the Torah this is hey Deuteronomy 26 5. we say a trickster meaning Lovin tried to destroy my father and he went down to Egypt the yoga dwelt there with small population they were just a small family of 70 at that point but he became a great nation over there many and populists IM and the Egyptians treated us wickedly and they put hard bondage upon us when we're reading this passage at the Seder a night of the anniversary of our Liberation from from bondage in Egypt so it makes sense we mentioned Egypt because the whole thing is our anniversary of leaving Egypt but why are we also mentioning Lovin now you could say well that's that's it's all in one verse we read the whole verse well you could say we're telling the whole history so we mentioned loving because he's part of the history right in the hagoda you're telling the whole story but I'll counter that and say well there's a lot of enemies of the Jewish people that existed contemporaneously we don't mention them we don't mention a Malik right the the arch enemy of the Jews of the Jewish people a Malik we don't mention that the Giants who had to fight against in order to enter the land in the 40th year in the in the wilderness when I mention that why do we mention Lovin Pharaoh king of Egypt by those two it's very simple because when we're celebrating our freedom on the night of Passover Freedom doesn't just mean circumstantial freedom Freedom means existential freedom not just that we're no longer living in a slave situation but that we are no longer slaves no one's a master over us we are existentially free people with an autonomous sense of self well who were the two biggest threats to that not a Malik who came and fought us while we were trying to leave Egypt who tried to fight us while we were in the wilderness trying to get out of the Wilderness no the two real threats to our entire existence were our two generous hosts the people whose homes we lived in we lived in the home of lovum when Jacob was living in in Quran and we lived in Egypt for 210 years under the auspices of pharaoh king of Egypt so the two real threats that have to be overcome in order to become a truly free person are these two hosts not a regular villain not an abuser comes out of a dark alley that's one trauma no the abuser who puts a roof over your head so here's here's what I want to tell you if you identify to any of this if you're part of any of this let me explain something to you this is not the reason why it happened to you because I don't know the reason why it happened to you I'm not a prophet I don't know why things happen especially why pain is given to innocent children and they grow up with with abuse I don't know why so I'm not explaining to you the reason why it happened but I'm stating a fact if it did happen to you you have an opportunity to do something bold and courageous and that is to be the first normal healthy person in your bloodline and if you were the one who was scapegoated and made into the black sheep well maybe the curse is a blessing because if anyone has a chance to get out of the sick system it's you because you're not benefiting from the system people who are benefiting from it they'll perpetuate it till they die so at least you have a chance to get out of it and when you do get out of it I want to let you know that a massive Spiritual Awakening is awaiting you because that's the only way to survive it like Yankovic if it wouldn't be for the god of my fathers who was with me this whole time you would have destroyed me it's only because I had God and we know King David says in the Psalms that Hashem is the father of Orphans aviya Simon and not all you say him have parents who passed away there are people who are levited people who are orphans with parents who are alive and you should know that when you don't have a loving parent oh and it's time now to break free and start fresh and to parent yourself you should know that your support is coming from none other than Hashem who is the father of Orphans and for some people this is a very real thing that Hashem is not just their God but literally is the father and mother that they never had because their father and mother were for whatever reason completely incapable of offering parental love but Hashem comes forth and gives that love especially to the people who are deprived of it for whatever reason that I don't understand I don't purport to explain it I'm just telling I'm not giving you it as an explanation I'm not saying this justifies it I'm saying it as a fact that the people who break free become incredibly spiritual and have an incredibly close with relationship with God and God becomes as close to them as a real father or a mother all of that was about the black sheep of the scapegoat but if you would like to see how parents can set up some healthy parenting please watch this video which is about how parents can really be selflessly there for their children if you are a child of an exorcistic parent it may be very painful for you to watch this description of what healthy parenting looks like however it may be healing for you as well because perhaps you as a parent can be the first one in your family to model it thank you for watching