From GUILT to GROWTH | Breaking the Monster Voice Inside

There's this internal voice that comes to you and says, you know, you monster, you're terrible. You and here I have proof. Here's my evidence. You did this, you did that. Comes to you at 3:00 in the morning when you can't fall asleep. And he just you can't even you can't even uh you know, press mute. He's the voice inside your own head. And uh it's painful. It's painful. you know, this this internal voice who's mounting this case of how bad you've messed up and you've ruined your life and you've ruined other people's lives. And he's got all the evidence and the question is for all the purported um responsibility, you know, that's that's that's the lie. The lie is well I feel bad because I'm responsible. You know if I didn't feel bad I'd be irresponsible. Right? So for all the ostensible responsibility here I'm trying to be accountable. I'm trying to be responsible. I'm trying to take trying to take uh trying to uh be accountable to what it call take responsibility for my actions. all of that stuff which is the that's the you know ostensibly that's what it is. The reality is the reality is it doesn't actually lead to change. The reality is it doesn't actually lead to change. And in truth, the alterba tells us in Tanya the contrary, it actually leads to worse aas, worse sins to the extent that it's a known psychological hack. What do I mean? What do I mean by known? Theora, the evil inclination knows it and uses it against us. It's a known psychological hack that if you want to get a Jew to do a big sin, all you have to do is start making them feel bad about a little sin. And the alter chapter 26 of Tanya, he describes a guilt cycle. It's a vicious cycle. He says the the voice of your conscience comes to you and uh it says, "Don't you remember that thing that you did?" And you say, "Yeah, yeah, I do remember that." "Well, wasn't that bad?" "Yeah, I have to admit that was bad." "Well, don't you feel bad?" "Yeah, I do feel bad." Now, this whole thing ostensibly is a very holy, very religious conversation. You know, it sounds like an adult voice. It sounds like a responsible voice. It's coming to you to fix things and to to to draw your attention to something that needs rectification. So the the what you want to call it the the the tacid agreement here the the the the narrative is that this is very this is very responsible stuff and it's very religious and it's actually it's even very holy. Now the reality is what happens ala describes this. you're in pain now. The guilt is pain. It's emotional pain, which in in many ways could be more difficult than physical pain. And uh well, you know, you don't want to be in pain. Who wants to be in pain? So, we seek to counter the pain. What do we look for to counter the pain? We look for pleasure. So, we're looking for pleasure to numb the pain, to escape from the pain. We're looking for pleasure. And it happens to be at this moment that I'm looking for pleasure. I have a poor opinion of myself because I just reminded myself of how terrible I am and the kinds of awful things that I'm involved in. Right? So, I'm vulnerable because I'm in pain. I'm looking desperately for numbness for relief and I have low standards at the moment because I'm feeling low about myself. Well, tell me what that's a formula for. Just a formula for disaster. So, I go and I indulge in order to experience some type of relief. And when I indulge, I'm not being too picky. I I don't have my normal uh standards because after all, who am I? Who am I to have standards? You know what kind of person I am? And then I indulge. And then the the minute after I indulge, I realize what did I do? Well, that's worse than the thing that I originally felt guilty for. Now I'm really in pain. Well, what am I going to do? I'm in pain. I don't want to be in pain. How am I going to get out of this pain? So, distraction, numbness. You go look for more cheap thrills. And your opinion of yourself is even lower than it was before. And it's not hard to imagine how this just spirals downward and downward and downward and becomes a vicious cycle which is very very hard to break. So the alterba says in Tanya that you have to know that when this voice comes to you most of the time it's not authentic. It sounds like a responsible adult voice. It sounds even religious or even holy. But the actual effect, the actual effect is the exact opposite of what it's purporting to be. So the atah is not going to come and tell a healthy person to do something blatantly destructive. What what what are the odds that such a sales pitch is going to be successful? It's not what the yet hut is going to do. What the hood is going to do is going to come and tell a healthy person that I have evidence that you're unworthy. God doesn't even like you. I don't know how you like you. How do you stand yourself? And you're going to listen to him because his argument sounds so responsible and so holy. And from there, he's got you spiraling into a self-destructive pattern. Guilt, pain, indulgence, greater pain, greater indulgence, and just keeps on going over and over again. So, we got to break it. One of the things we we're told to do in order to break it is to be business-like in our in our response to that voice. To say, "Oh, yeah. This is a genuine call to tshoua. You want to do repentance right now? Okay. Let's make an appointment. I'll meet you tonight around 11:30. I'm going to say bedtime schma and I'll review my day and let's talk about it. Then you know what happens 99% of the time this nudnik who was harassing you all day talking about this this nudnik in here this internal voice he was harassing you all day and then when we had an appointment to sort it out he doesn't even show cuz he was never concerned with sorting it out. He was concerned with using it as a club to emotionally pressure you and manipulate you into having a low self-concept and thereby becoming vulnerable and doing worse and worse things that he can in turn create more a lower and lower self-concept with. So we tell him we're going to set an appointment. That's one thing. Another thing the alter is this is all chapter 26 of Tanya he says when you do show up for the appointment let's say he does show up by some fluke what are you supposed to think about so he says it's a time to be misb to meditate to reflect upon the greatness of hashem against whom He has sinned. It's a very powerful phrase. Don't meditate on the greatness of the sin. It doesn't say It says, "Think about Hashem, the greatness of God, against whom he has sinned." A couple very rich ideas there. One is that uh when it comes to sin, it's almost irrelevant what the sin was. Who cares what it was? It was a betrayal. Well, what was the betrayal? Now you know, now you're just looking to steal a cheap thrill. What was the betrayal? Yeah, describe it to me. Let's do a slow motion instant replay of the betrayal. You know what? Something tells me that you're enjoying this too much. No, it's it's not it's not relevant. I know what I did. I could say I can name it. I mean to Hashem, but we don't have to go relive it vividly. We don't have to give it full color. It's almost irrelevant what the betrayal was. It was a betrayal. So, does it matter that the particular form the betrayal took? It's irrelevant. What's relevant is it was a betrayal and therefore I should think about the one who I betrayed. I I betrayed Hashem. So therefore, I want to think about how great Hashem is and therefore how much I value my relationship with Hashem and therefore any betrayal is unwanted. So that's one thing that's really really helpful is that when we have stuff in our past that we don't like, stop thinking about the thing you did. Stop feeding it with mental energy and stop reliving it. You know, sometimes the so-called chuva can be more dirty than the original sin because you have license to rethink. Oh, no. God forbid. I'm not I'm not uh I'm not I'm not uh getting a vicarious thrill. No, but you are. In effect, you are just because you you have a license to uh you know, it's like the sensors who all watch you know the the the obscenity because they they're the sensors, right? about you know about you don't know that trick. Yeah. Okay. The the people who censor stuff to make sure that it's not dirty. Those are you know you don't know about Yeah. Okay. Anyways, it's human nature. It's in every community. Always the people who are on the lookout for uh for uh lewd and lascivious behavior, you know. Don't worry, I'll find it. Well, okay. Anyway, so that that that's one thing. You don't have to put yourself back in it. You don't have to relive it. Stop feeding it. Stop giving it energy. That's not important anyway. Think about the greatness of Hashem. Think about the one with with whom you have a relationship. And then as an incidental thing, yeah, okay, I betrayed Hashem. How did you betray Hashem? Okay. That's like a oneliner. That's like a oneliner. It's almost irrelevant what the what the nature of the betrayal was. The point was I'm in a relationship and I did something that damaged the relationship. That's it. That's it. Okay.