"Finding Your Soul - Finding Your Mate" From Me to We by Rabbi Hillel and Chaya Lester

welcome everybody can you hear me you can hear me without this we're so close inate here but it's going to be better for the sound anyway I want to welcome you all to tonight's uh presentation by Rabbi Hillel and K Lester this is sponsored by Y and of course maybe you're I think you're all familiar with what we're trying to do here and that isid in the community and for most people to do to get involved in moreid projects and one of the biggest that we think we could do at the moment is to help singles experience the list the marital list that we all share um I met the lers my wife and I did a a couples's narrative and there were a lot of couples that I hadn't seen in some 20 some years and they were all BR very happy and they wanted more of it and so they signed up registered and week after week we got to see them and uh we gained a lot and we felt this is something we wanted to share with the community as well so without any further Ado I'd rather have the lesters in in um introduce themselves and their background before they start okay thank you I'm going to stand up is this working is this on okay great so hi I'm K this is Rabbi Hill maybe you want to introduce yourself I'll just say a word about what we do what we're passionate about um which well first of all no my first word that I want to say is thank you thank you so much thank you for the introduction thank you for having us thank you for creating this forum thank you for the work you do you bon thank am amen um so yeah serious gratitude and um and we're excited to be to be doing this and sharing this because yeah this is wisdom that we've just been um been working on you know between ourselves for for about a decade now and Beyond and we're excited to share it um a lot of what we do at the shal center my husband and I run this wonderful little place called the shalad center and we bring together the best of Jewish wisdom with the best of psychology and psychological wisdom that is out there and we kind of M and synthesize the two and we're really passionate about making like very tool-based okay there's like these great like mystical ideas or Jewish ideas but we are really interested in being like okay well how does that deal how does that you know help me deal with my depression or my mother-in-law or my you know my real life deepest most intimate inner issues and so we are really excited about creating tools and Frameworks for Change and growth and actualizing what whatever these teachings up here are about like really actualizing them um in relationships and in ourselves um so so we do a lot of work with couples we do a couples's workshop and we do um group work with with men's groups and women's groups um also individual work but um and and working with singles is a real exciting Frontier for us um so Hill would you like to say anything so right we're both psychotherapists and Jewish Educators and would to say anything you got it okay great um so tonight we are going to I wish I like I I wanted to bring like a really big hammer with me I was like no that's ridiculous bring a big hammer into the synagogue but I really wanted to bring a hammer because we're going to be smashing some myths like love these days is this mythological creature it's this it's like this kind of wild beast that is actually in in attainable in a lot of ways the vision and the models that we have of love from mass media um and that we've kind of like embi I think many of us but it's a mythological creature it's full of myths so we're going to be smashing some of the this but we're also going to use uh a hammer to build and build like a different structure for and and and a Jewish Bas structure for really what love what marriage is about what we should be striving for for leaning towards and working towards and how to orient ourselves to getting to that to the ideal healthy marriage because it it's it's not really worth it y'all if you just get married to get married it's really like am I how can I create the healthiest possible path of marriage once I'm in it um so so we're really um you know interested in okay how do we make sure that there's going to be Health on the other side and like the ultimate wholeness and health within us as we're moving towards relationship as well so we're going to be smashing some this so I think that we're going to be starting um starting with the first one you guys ready so we're going to start with myth number one about love and relationships we're going to go through a few of these by the way so we're going to leave a lot of time at the end for questions you can throw out snide comments whenever you like um we're going to start myth number one you guys ready all you need is love you know how the song so I have a friend of mine he's a he's a satirical comedian who once uh told me that the people who wrote All You Need Is Love happen to be millionaires so here's the thing you take any serious Endeavor in life you want to be a teacher you want to learn to play an instrument you want to learn a trade any serious Endeavor in life and you have to do what you have to invest time you have to learn you have to gain tools you have to find mentors you have to practice you have to get it wrong you have to practice again right any Endeavor but we have this very strange belief follow me that you take two people with totally different backgrounds personalities and souls and you throw them together in this thing called marriage and it all work out as long as you start with this good feeling at the beginning this thing that we think we call love you're like yeah this is good I like him we feel good together let's do it and we don't invest anything else I guess that's why the share team was so successful they marry their sisters and they have that different background so this is this is right this is nuts where else do we apply this in life and expect success you imagine so I love jazz music I love jazz music jazz guitar playing I don't play a guitar I don't know how to play a guitar but I love jazz music and so I went out yesterday I bought myself a jazz guitar and I have a concert tomorrow night no not a chabis moti chabis I have a concert how do you think the concert's going to go not so good not so good I mean it might sound like jazz to some people but but you hear just because I love just because I'm so connected to it just because I have a vision of what I might be like when I can play I need to practice I need teachings I need tools I need scales I need fundamentals so relationships are no different there is um as you may or may not know there's a lot of stigma around getting support and help individually or for couples for us looking to get into couples and um it's pretty ridiculous that for some reason we have this stigma that somehow inhibits us from actually getting the support and the information that we need to be successful in these relationships I have uh a close friend of mine just a couple days ago I was telling him about what we were doing and he said when he asked his Rabbi to be a Mader condition for his wedding to perform his wedding the rabbi said I've got one condition that you get coupl counseling before you get married that's it and they did and he told told me it was the best advice he's gotten the best advice so okay did you want say anything about right so I mean basically the myth is all you need is love and the truth is actually all you need is a education you know investment of time and and effort and and love but like to have just the love without this idea of okay I'm I'm GNA sweat a little bit for it I want to invest and get myself educated toel what is love and how does it work and how the relationships work best so that's so that's what we're going to be doing a little bit tonight you know so you've come so you you've already like taken this big step to be here um that step of like doing that work um at the outset be blessed we're going to have like a little bit of an exercise now so you have pieces of paper this is the time for those before we do myth number two I guarantee you guys will have lots of questions and maybe a few challenges on some of the approaches we're going to bring hold hold on to them and see if what we present answer some of those questions right you're not going to like what we have to say and the beginning and there's going to be like I said some space at the end so here's what I want to do is is before we do number two I want to do a little bit of an exercise everybody have paper lot a squeaking going squeaky can I okay whether you want to do this with your eyes open eyes closed what I want to do is invite you into a place so we often operate up here and I'm going to invite you to a place that asks you to go a little bit deeper inside and really think about what your visions and hopes hopes are for a partnership not exactly what the person looks like what you're not not the details what does it feel like to be in Partnership what I'm going to ask you to start uncovering and playing around with is what are some of the Hidden expectations the hidden hopes and desires that we have there's a format I'm going to ask you to write this out in specific format in a second so I want you to think about for a moment you really imagine that ideal relationship for yourself and what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask you to frame this in the following way he or she should blank or he or she should blank me so some examples might be he should love me she should trust me right these are just some examples and go through really in your mind and ask yourself is that really the deepest find the four five six that you feel like are representative take take a few minutes we going to take a few minutes to do this you can also frame it he or she will you know again if you're you're writing he'll take out the garbage look for something deeper turn my phone okay another minute you'll see how we're going to be doing this exercise and you can if you want to mine it a little bit deeper on your own you're welcome to spend a little bit more focused time and redo this at a later time also you got four five six so now I'd like to give you myth number two you guys ready I want you to listen to carefully we're going to spend a lot of time explaining what we mean by this myth number two this is a myth my partner should love me my partner should support me my partner should take care of me my partner should keep filling in life trust me my partner should provide me safety my partner should honor me these are myths and they destroy destroy relationships they destroy the possibility for receiving the very things you want we're going to describe this a little bit so mov we just told you that your whole list that you just wrote that we set you up to write is all mythological um forgive us but I think that's one of the things that we're really trying to get out here and we're going to unpack it and we're going to unpack it based on a gorgeous capitalistic teaching that's in our very own tradition and it's from the Aral and I'm going to going to share with you this teaching and at the back of your head keeping in mind your list of should okay so there's this beautiful teaching and maybe a lot of you have already heard about it um it's from the Aral great capitalistic feacher talking about the two creation myths about man the creation stories about how humans were created of course we have in the first story chapter one of Genesis we have the story of how God created man Adam as man and woman male and female he created them wild right it's wild teaching that the first vision of what human is is a male and female composite and then there's this funny discrepancy in the text where all of a sudden chapter 2 what do we see is a description of how there's this Adam who feels lonely and so God says okay yeah let's you know let's take this this part of you out of your very own self and create another another person and this is going to be your your woman so wait a second didn't we just hear a chapter ago that there was a one entity that was male and female and all of a sudden it's two entities what's up with that because already all rushes in to answer this discrepancy and what he brings is this gorgeous Paradigm for understanding all of creation and all of history and the evolution of humankind and he basically says that Adam man and woman were joined as one entity at the beginning fused together back to back and some say that's why you see like the ridges on the the spine like puzzle piece back together and um they were facing opposite directions in a backto back state of being and the truth is not ideal so what God did was this thing called the Nira and the is like basically means a surgery it's a a surgical uncoupling of this entity and tore him apart just ripped them apart and turned them around to face each other and the goal being being face to face man and woman now in that model is he says all all of history where what all of history is about is male and female turning from a place of being back to back to Turning towards each other raising towards each other to the same level and then being in a face Toof face relationship and this is the goal the Messianic era my friends is a time when all people will be in face to-face relationship will be face to face it will be a place of equality between male and female and also in the evolution of each of our individual lives we are moving towards that face to face as well and in our relationships we're moving towards that face to face as well and relationships often start out with a backtack way of being so let me tell you about what the backtack way of being here is okay um back to back the two Dynamics there's two dnamic within relationships there's backto back Consciousness and there's face Toof face Consciousness so the backto back Consciousness is um is basically any place this does not work what's the Liv okay thank you yes look at that okay so we have the backto back um Consciousness which is all of the places where I amused with my partner and we often think that that that's a great thing we want to do everything together we want to be together all the time we're totally we're totally joined we're in meshed not the ideal my friend not the ideal back to back is a place where this person is is totally connected to me but we have totally opposite facing Wheels I want to go this way he wants to go that way but at least he's got my back at least he's always going to support me right there's this sense of my partner is here in order to always have my back my partner is here in order that I should never have to be alone because that would be a horrible thing my partner is here to always help me in the direction I want to go all of this is backtack thinking the expectation that my partner is here entirely to support me and each of us expecting that of our partners mind you okay and to give me love the all the sh oh but he should really be supporting me giving me the compliments giving me the love and care and attention and all that that is total backto back Consciousness now back to back Consciousness also is full of projections from my own childhood projections of from my own it's a place of like fear I'm drawn to this person out of fear of being alone I'm drawn to this person out of fear that I'm not enough I'm drawn to this person I would feel that I I can't make enough money or I really I need help or that I really I really want somebody to support me all these places all the places that I'm connected to this person is out of like a sense of fear as opposed to what we're going to talk about in a second with the face to face so it's drawn out of a sense of projection out of a sense of unconsciousness it's like I can't even see them there's there's the world as I see it does not does not contain them whatsoever they only exist to support me in my in my endeavors okay so it's a place of of Great Expectations on the other person and demands that the other person fulfill my direction I'm confused so why is it back to back so Adam and when they were accused as one entity the AR all explains that they were back to back with each other so when you want something from someone else you they back to back post it's the sense of this person is a part of me first of all this person is a part of me they don't have really their own ex it's an thanks it's an extension of myself they want to give okay so this is you're right these are the questions that all of you should be having right now okay yes it's supposed to feel uncomfortable what we're saying okay because there is this sense so wait wait isn't that what marriage is about they should be wanting to give right yeah yeah then it should be back to back but it shouldn't be shouldn't be don't worry it'll it's going to come around we're going to get our knees met but not through a process of demanding it expecting it using in order to get it okay so that's what we're that is what we're trying to dismantle here so that so that all of us can kind of move towards coupling with with with a greater sense of of Consciousness we're going to lay this out in greater and greater but thank you for asking that because that's the question that you should be asking all of you should be asking wait a second wait isn't that the whole point of being married wait shouldn't isn't it the whole point is to support each other and love each other and take care of each other yeah okay wait back to back is unconscious drives unconscious projections unconscious fears unconscious needs from the other person okay any other pieces of back toback that you want to add okay I was imagine that I just wrote all those down there um that's the back to back then there's the N the the the Divine surgery of cutting and separating okay and and then there's a turning towards each other now in our couples Workshop this is like a six week Workshop where each week we do you know two weeks of being in back toback and what does that mean and two weeks of turning and what does that mean and the S and then two weeks of coming together but you know just to say it very quickly and to get to what we want to get to which is okay what is face to face then what is our goal here face to face is a place where when I look at at the world my partner is like is right in the center of my world view I see my partner but you know I I see my partner as as him I don't see my partner as an extension of me or as my needs fulfilled my Romeo My Savior no he's that pillow that dude over there with all his with all his gifts and charms and wonders and and limitations that's him um um I see my partner for who they are and I am who I am let it be who they are I let me be who I am and we and and I'm joined together with this person out of like okay yes what are the places that we do share a sense of vision and mission and goals and life purpose and and values and we're going to celebrate that and work with that together but he's also allowed to have his own interest that maybe are different than mine you know that's not don't support mine it's a place of real um Independence our goal here is if you could imagine that back to back is a place of um codependence where you're relying on other person they're totally relying on you there's a lot of goods that come with that it's very seductive but very destructive and we're moving from codependence to Independence which was really um the NS um and then what we want to get to is interdependent interdependent which is where we we we're each our own individual selves independent selves but we're going to work together to to yes you know meet meet our life goals and we're Shar we're sharing our unique sense of self with another and that that meeting point of sharing is the place where true intimacy true vulnerability true trust emanate from is a sharing of two people together yeah so this is this is the calistic model of the ideal relationship moving from a place of back to back demands and coions and and and expectations of what a partner should be to a place of face to face seeing the other accepting the other and and standing on our own two feet each of us okay so that's our that's our model that we're going to be working towards unfortunately so much of what we get inundated with in the world is is all back to back if you think about Disney Music Disney movie all of it is is the prince coming and saving the princess and you know all of it is of the backto back you know variety and I like I like to Prince I want to be your prince I don't mind if she's in distress I don't get right yes yes that was very romantic it's becomes the Romantic Vision um I don't want woman to save me right so what we're moving towards what if she doesn't what if she doesn't want to be saved I think she wants to be saved most women want to be saved or what happens what happens 15 years down the line when your wife is always expecting you to come and be the the prince who saves her at every juncture and at every turn and she becomes a a feet individual and you know her need and by the way when she's dependent on you saving her she's got less of herself to offer you she doesn't stand in herself fully because she's always dependent on you to go part so we're gonna I'm going to sa space at the end because we have a whole thing to fill out based on this exact question you still have the question then ask ask it again at the end okay promise you a great space thank you arol for laying it out so the CH the challenges we're starting to to point out here is that we are inundated with negative toxic messages about love and relationship we're going to demonstrate this a little bit to the point where they're ubiquitous to the point that we believe that that's what love is so we we did a a little Google search on the top 100 love songs and we went through the top 50 of them and opened up a few of them and started looking at the lyrics songs that most of us know at some point in our life some of the newer ones that don't know and to see it in black and white to see it laid out so what we're going to do is we're going to go through a few of these songs and I want you to pick out if you can hear and notice the dysfunction if you can start to notice and hear the back to back okay so we're going to go through a few of these I was going to see maybe I should tell you the words and you can tell me the artist I'll just tell you the artist okay mariia Cary you guys know this song okay here's the words I'm not going to try and sing it I want a lover who knows me who understands how I feel inside someone to comfort and hold me through the long Lonely Nights till the dawn why don't you take me away Dream Lover come rescue me take me up take me down take me anywhere you want to baby now I need you so desperately won't you please come around this is one of the lighter ones do you hear this desperate what do you notice what do you notice rescue save because without you I'm nothing nothing what else without you I'm lonely without you I'm dark with also the language in here but I have a question uh this can come out of a backto back relation but also for very very deep face to face Rel you know when you face like real deep understanding the other person you also feel like vulnerable and and not you know you person you know it's like you're right vulnerability and sharing vulnerability is very different than the other person being responsible for my emotional I agree with you but this song emate also from the face to face in the okay that's not how I hear it um I need you so desperately won't you please come around rescue me I need you to know how I feel inside I can't I can't really make it on my own without you rescue me I mean we're we're moving towards a par a new paradigm of equality where we do not need to be rescued by somebody else because each of us are going to be in our own full strength but so that's that's kind of God forbid God forbid my wife and I don't work out cross and we have to go our separate ways we are going to be fine we're going to be in a lot of pain there's going to be damage it's going to be it's like it's not going to be a pretty nice situation but we are not going to be I can't live without you okay let's put it this way assuming that you are in the face you say you tell that I need you you can say you know what's stronger than I need you I want you do you hear this no no no I'm making I'm making a distinction here that's crucial the distinction is not I need you it's stronger what I'm suggesting is it's stronger to say I want you I'm choosing you is much stronger than if if you don't give me what I need if you don't give me what I need I'm I can't deal with it and in fact when you say that it hurts me so much it hurts me so much don't say that to me I can't I can't you can't ask me that question because it hurts me too much I need you to say it like this let me tell you exactly how I need you to say it so I feel better you need to you here I'm I'm playing out the dynamic I'm not giving you any space because what you just said hurt me so much I can't breathe and I can't do it unless you respond differently because my feeling is dependent on you there's a beautiful saying that when I can't manage my emotional world I try to control other people's actions but isn't it natural that your feelings depend on your partner to at least it's it's natural to expect in a healthy relationship that there be things like love that there be things like trust that there be things but it's not natural and it's counterintuitive to say this but it's not natural and it's destructive when I expect them when I demand it and expect it and if I'm not getting that then that means there's something unideal about our relationship okay but I hear I hear your point I think what you're saying is I think there can be like a really real place of love where we feel like we need each other and I I'm not saying that once we get into that deep face to face that there aren't aspects like that I think that that's I think that there's there's something to that and but we're also going to get to that because the dynamic that we're going to find here and the formula that we're going to find here is that when we give up these expectations and demands and coercion and we end up getting all of that I'm already like jumping it forward but the point that we're going to get to y'all is that when we give up the expectations demands then we end up getting the things that we're wanting so there's another myth here that I don't know if you heard in these lyrics lover who knows me understands how I feel inside um so myth number three goes something like this it's a little bit long but you get the idea if this is the right person for me then they'll know what I'm feeling they'll know why I'm feeling it and what I need right we believe often times deep down that if they don't know what I feel what I need and something's wrong something's wrong with relationship often times it's wrong with you that they're insensitive they don't care we have this belief that somehow there's a psychic connection and if you don't understand what I need how I feel or what I need you to tell me or do in this moment you should have to ask him for compliments he should just know to come and give them to me and then I get all upset when he doesn't so one myth there is like no you have you your partner doesn't does not know there's this thing called communication and that that is the the golden key to the thing called love Taylor Swift no Taylor sft of course it begins Romeo we all know how that story ended off that little love tale Romeo saved me I've been feeling so alone he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone alone okay so save me God forbid I should feel alone Romeo come save me I'm willing to like Mom di you know better better that I should die than be alone without you so myth number four marriage means never having to be alone okay well God what happens then if God forbid something happens to your partner you fall apart you don't go on you want to die you want to commit suicide that healthy kind of weirdly romantic but only in the back to back sense that's a DJ baby love you guys know the song baby love right listen to these baby love my baby love I need you oh I need you fine you hear it like you're expressing it but all you do is treat me bad break my heart and leave me sad tell me what did I do wrong to make you stay away so long with my baby love Do you hear this I mean you really have to kind of twist your imagination around to call this healthy not to to get really old people yeah and one passes away the other one is used to that person there and they often die a couple years after that's not no no the point I'm making here is you treat me bad break my heart and leave me sad you're my baby meaning if someone treats you bad run get out it's not good it's not a sign of love you guys hear this we we we we've ingested this idea that if if it feels so bad it's got to be so good and it's just not it's not healthy it's not where you bring children into it's not what sustains people it's not what creates solidity and long-term Health okay I got to say about that point I think that does happen and I've always looked at that as kind of being this like oh it's not so kind of tragic and sweet that yeah she died a year after he did but no offense against that and like you know but gosh I would hope that if God forbid my partner passed on I would still find it in me to to live my life and to and to carry on you know and it doesn't quite it doesn't always happen and I'm not saying it's bad and that's at the end of a long journey but what we're trying to get at here are like what are what are your fundamentals for when you're going into relationship and what are you hoping and expecting and and and looking for that's what we're trying to to create here is what are you stepping into that date with expectations that this person should be saving me expectations that this person should that this person is going to make it that I never feel alone again so that because at the end of the day I don't know about you but when I was dating and I sat across from my guy who like really expected me to like fulfill like every single like you know deep abyss of a hole inside of him I wanted to run the other direction so connected to this is another myth myth number five I can change him or her right we heard this over and over again but we still do it um right now he's just stressed because of work right now she's a little overwhelmed because of family situations but when we once we get married we have children everything will settle down he'll change he's a little immature now she's a little right you get the idea marry someone because you want more of what you have marry someone knowing that you'd be happy to have that lot even if they don't change I so often say that with clients I'm like okay I hear that there's like this please know that that's imagine if that's not going to change you going to be okay in 10 years from now if that Mish doesn't change and just gets even worse possibly are you prepared for that do not walk in thinking that once we get I'm I'm going to change [Music] him my first love you're every breath that I take every step I make totally like being meshed a dumb male female figure like I cannot breathe without you I cannot step without you this does not mean you don't have a passionate caring loving relationship Air Supply right I can't live if living is without [Music] you sorry for the these romantic versions of of love that of course we know is so everybody dreams in the that some level they have a love that over Encompass them and that help us get on why do we love to listen to these songs because it's an imaginary non-real love that still fills us up with with tremendous open and and experience out here that's that CRI to well I'll sell a million copies millions of copies somebody old paradigm my friend old paradig we are a Messianic people I understand it's also true that advertising works when you use fear okay that's what that sells okay Rihanna that is beauty okay Rihanna's song we found I don't know the song We Found Love apparently she's very popular RNA know it's called We Found Love anything I okay um it's it's like you're screaming and no one can hear you love right We Found Love what kind of love is that well it's like you're screaming and no one can hear you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing no one will ever understand how much it hurts you feel hopeless like nothing can save you a hallmar card T you found love and and of course we I don't know apparently Rihanna was in a an abusive relationship no that was one of her big things is she came out publicly to help people to say I was in the relationship that's what Google tells me you do the are you shocked you do the bgs I'm not singing please I'm more of a voice okay how deep is your love you this so this one's this one's a little bit more subtle see if you can hear it you're the light my deepest darkest hour this is very subtle you're are my savior when I fall F right and you may not think I care for you when you know down inside that I really do and it's me you need to show how deep is your love you hear the accent there it's me you need to show how deep is your love so now our partners have to be mhia you're my savior my deepest darkest hour My Savior when I fall you guys hear this and if that person not on and on and on and on these are the messages and I challenge you because I look at myself and I can talk to my wife and they're deeply embedded in us and so much of our suffering comes from when I'm expecting him to do all this stuff for me and don't work and then I'm all angry at him because he didn't save me and then we're and then I'm resentful and 10 years down the line we're in a really nasty set up you hear that it's me you need to show how deep is your love so I'm going to rename this song How Deep Is Your narcissism so you see partners are not our need fillers they are not our happy makers they are not our distractions they are not our our helpers they are not our ego bursters our respect givers not our therapists and certainly not Our Saviors now you're going to say so what the heck is relationship for which is a good question and that's where we're going that's where we're going so we're going to give you the paradigm shift on these pieces uh in a moment okay great so um you all know the story from Michelle silver missing piece so we're just going to kind of play with that image remember the missing piece it's this it's this kind of like Pac-Man looking guy will you draw a Pac-Man Pacman over there you you guys know the story oh God sh Silverstein who was this yid who wrote the best stories in the world and what do you mean okay um so the missing piece is this story of the little Pac-Man guy who has this missing piece and and we're going to take the story and kind of take it and run um it's this little Pacman with a missing piece and he really wants to roll in life but as he tries to roll every time he rolls he kind of like bumps up again his a video you can see and he can't fly roll he kind of like funks instead of rolls and he's very frustrated with this of course and so he goes off and he looks and he searches and he looks and he searches for his missing piece a piece that's going to fit him perfectly that's going to fill all of his emptiness and sure up he looks he finds a piece that's a little small or a piece that's a little big too big a little a piece that maybe is like a little too funky you know tried fitting a funky piece have you ever had dates like this wait no that just doesn't right and he tries and he tries and sure enough by the grace of God he finds one day a piece that fits perfectly boo finds his missing piece and sure enough he's able to roll now he's able to roll and he's able to roll he's able to roll until you know time passes and things change a little bit that little piece like starts to get a little bit bigger starts to get a little bigger it's just feeling like a little tense a little stressful because it's just like tight all the time like things are not just flowing anymore between us and it's kind of just uncomfortable it finally just pops the heck out pops out because it's too big and it was never meant to fill him up in the first place and he's left suicidal I know that this is a huge overgeneralization but sometimes we call this divorce sometimes we call it one person growing out of where they were when they got together um divorce finding that this person that was supposed to fit in me perfectly is is not just my missing pieace or maybe they their own self actually their own peace and he devastated and he doesn't know what to do with himself and he and and he like you know trads to the desert in Despair and on and on until one day he's sitting there in his you know his misery when he sees a really fast Circle rolling by him and like just like zoom and he like can hardly even see it he's like holy cow what was that I've never seen such a thing in my life where was this clunk and clunk and that was yes perfect illustration thank you hello and it's this zooming piece and he like finally like stops this this looks like a circle and says oh my gosh how do you ghost how do you do that don't you have like a missing piece that like you keep punking on and the circle's like yeah Ian I kind of have like this missing piece but I just roll through it I just keep on rolling and my missing piece doesn't really bother me so much I mean it's there but it doesn't f me doesn't stop me cuz you know what I have these awesome Hills that I love to climb and roll down and every time I climb the hill it's like this awesome challenge I climb up it and then I just zoom down it and I get this momentum and I start rolling and I start rolling and I don't even notice my missing piece because I'm just so in in the midst of this incredible ecstatic roll that I just roll through it wow really I would like to find a hill that I could do that on and so our Pac-Man friend goes and he finds himself his own challenge his own Hill and he starts to kind of laboriously work up it and he's and he sweats and he and he and he works on himself and he works and he grows and he goes to the top and he flies down and he you know he doesn't just clunk anymore he's starting to really move and he's starting to really like get the swing of things he's starting to roll even though he doesn't have that like piece of some other person's piece sticking inside of him's rolling on his own he's rolling on his own and sure enough what happened after a couple of days couple of months a couple of years of just being his own you know mountain climbing free rolling self is that he finds PL me wait wait you miss you missed Miss but he still got his own Circle there we go he fills out his own Circle and then he meets of course this other lovely circular friend rolling along doing her thing and he said wow would you like would you like to roll together would you like to roll together not will you come and fill up my emptiness please and save me from my own plunky no would you like to roll together let's I see these incredible Hills let's just let's just like Traverse those together and all okay you get the metaphor my friend the point is not that the other person is gon to f up my holes and my lacks and my needs no I'm going to be my highest self and my fullest self and my passion self and then I'm going to meet another impassioned person and they're going to and they're going to be and I'm going to be my healthiest self and they're going to be their healthiest self and together we're just going to roll that's our goal the rooll goal how can you spoke like BOS I'm not because you're hungry so we're going to go back to those statements that we made he should she should she will he will right and we're going to turn them around we're basically going to now take full responsibility for all of those statements because it wasn't just a trick to tell you that that was now a myth but these become incredible pointers for ourselves they become incredible pointers into what we project on to our partners future partners and now what we're going to do is turn those around and take for responsibility of those and there's a way to do this I want to work with you so what I want to ask is there's somebody from our fine audience who is willing to come up and do a little demonstration with us great give hand give hand [Applause] [Music] hand okay can you okay you to love okay how it do you remember your your um statements yes I would you mind sharing a few of them sure it's easy enough to had them right here based on what I heard you say actually Chang all Way Forward should and then I change the no no don't go catching the fish before we dat the hook okay okay you guys speak up a little bit um she will accept me love will grow we will laugh we will want to grow old together so um she will accept me yeah if we just start with that one great so what I'm going to ask you to do um just for a minute in your mind inside imagine yourself well actually before we get there so take your statement now and instead of she will accept me change it to I will accept me I will accept me but I already I already do that I will accept I okay so imagine yourself fully in acceptance mode I'm already there you're already there easy an easy move you get to be 50 things are a lot easier your your circle's more more filled out more that's great that's huge right C soundun I had both was married twice I had first being back to back and then I had a side by side both relationship a so you're ready for okay so being in the place that you're in will be helpful so I'm going to take you through the the PES even though it sounds like you're already in that place so stay with me for because everybody you can do this with your so pick pick one of yours that you feel is the strongest one and work this through with us by yourself okay so I should I should I will me I will I should accept Okay uh because I'm really the only one who can I'm really the only person that that can accept myself it's not her job to accept me it's no one else's job to accept me I take responsibility for myself I take full responsibility for myself and I release her from the responsibility of accepting me and I release her from the accept the responsibility of accepting me so imagine sound like you have to imagine fully being in that acceptance another maybe you need to imagine not being in it you're now sitting at a dinner table for the day you're fully in that mode of acceptance are you more are likely to come off as attractive to the person sitting across from you of course if you don't most people don't want somebody who need they want somebody that they have fun with are you more confident or less confident of what yourself I'm more confident are you more or less likely to make good decisions about a potential partner from this place definitely easier to make the decision you got to have God help you send you the person anyway no matter how much you accept you got 100% agree so here's the thing this is and this is the point that I want people to listen to because this is tricky but crucial this is really the shift when you are in this place of acceptance is that partner that potential partner more or less likely to accept you of course you accept certainly better don't have any unless have less needs so you're more likely to get the acceptance when you take the responsibility on of the acceptance yourself of course usually you have to help the other more than you need for yourself because you're there and they usually need something from you they want to get thank you you thank you I I want you guys to hear hear this model so I'm whatever someone is across from you as a date and they say to you they give you the energy they give you the presentation of I need you it's your responsibility to make me feel loved it's your responsibility to fill the hole that I have it's your responsibility to make sure that I don't feel alone it's your responsibility to give me respect it's sure do you feel like coming closer to me or like pushing away now inversely if I saved this person I want to share something about who I am along with all the other things we're sharing about who we are I'm alone I feel alone a lot of the time do you ever feel like that that's sharing it's still touching on the same place it's the vulnerability spoke about you know I go through periods of real sadness place is sometimes really a sad Place whatever this is my struggle this is my whole this is and I'm offering it up to you because it's a it's actually a part of who I am there's other parts too we're not we're not talking about those other parts right now if you hear when I'm sharing them then you all of a sudden I this is this is certainly my experience I hope it's your experience you trust me more like oh that's who we do these are the Dark Places I don't have to wonder and worry about what they are they're not to hide he's not saying I'm responsible she's not saying I'm responsible for them's sharing them sharing one human to another and in those places of sharing is where trust Sprouts from is where love Sprouts from is where intimacy Sprouts from in those places of sharing also in sharing the H and the excitement and the dreams and all of the things that we Shar about can I ask where your sources of that is because if I've shared any of my my vulnerabilities or inadequacies or failing on any internet dating website I guarantee I will not be the most and and and I'm I'm happy right I'm not I'm not saying your profile should be unbroken write me here the Torah said this but here here's what I will guarantee you is that if you are a more whole a more whole a more honest person a more representative person of who you really are you will be more likely to find the appropriate person for you you will be finding a person that is a higher and healthier quality level being whole I totally agree with you but but sharing I'm not talking about throwing your SA at the door and I'm not saying like putting all of your negatives up front but I'm talking is about being a whole person people don't people don't generally take other people's vulnerability I mean it seems to me if they don't run for the hills okay if you're not sitting with someone who can hold you for who you are it's going to be a disaster save yourself the 5 years of hell I feel really sad when I hear you say that and and I believe you that that's the culture out there on online dating or dating in general and that's that's tragic and so that's that's also part of what we're trying to to work at you know shifting and creating a real cultural shift and being vulnerable but the vulnerability can be there and can be held and accepted and and received it's so much better if there's not those that sense of demand on another person to be the filler of the vulnerability so that's the key the key place we're looking for this is letting those demands and expectations and coions that we have inside of us just melt away to know that we ourselves are the source of Our Own Strength and care and and yes we have vulnerabilities as well but we have responsibilities we have responsibilities to ourselves that we're able to meet for ourselves so we're not going to be needing the other person to meet it I'm just going to end with the just say one one last thing before you do that yeah a piece that I wanted to make sure was under underlined here is that these the shs and the deeper we get with them the more real we are able to uncover them they become pointers towards our missing piece and that's the piece that we can start taking responsibility for and filling out and the more we fill that out the higher quality person we're going to attract into our lives the more quality person we're going to be attracted to the clearer we're going to be this is this is why I asked that question are you more or less likely to make good decisions from this place the clearer you will be about making decisions yes this is the right person or know this is not I'm also in a minute going to give you a very simple kind of um hit list for should I Mar that's we're going to hold that for a second so so just an ending I think there's these pieces of of holding our our vulnerability taking responsibility for our ourselves and then the third piece which I think is really crucial here but we don't have time to unpack it all the way but certainly the work that we do with with clients and and and offer teachings like this is about like what is your Hill what is the hill that is yours to climb and yours to so there's the like like the holding our our our emptinesses and and working on those and which is crucial work then there's also the place of like and what is what is your passion that you're chasing after you know with the Vengeance so it's not just chasing after a marriage but it's chasing after your your like highest vision of your life and I'm I'm chasing after this and yeah I want partnership to do that but what is your Hill that you're climbing and and and flying down and and how are you living into your passion that that's also going to create such a wonderful sense of Attraction from the people that you're meeting is if you're living your life if you're not just waiting for the person who's going to be your partner in order to get your life started but how are you holding your life in your own hands and and and running with it and creating that yourself and it just that's the place to meet somebody from that's a place to meet somebody from so so both of these pieces are really precious holding holding the in pieces and filling them out for ourselves and then like climbing our Hills and flying down them I also just want to point out our our job and our hope is not to get singles married my that's not our goal here is to get someone married our goal is to prepare someone for healthy marriage healthy longterm and as you pointed out the rest is Minish mind you but to be prepared to be ready to do the work that you can do to attract and be attracted to higher quality people to be clear about the decisions you make to be more whole in the way that you go into that process got helps those that helps so guys here's your list I I I keep renaming it my it's called the overly simplified the definitive gues who should I marry them the overly simplified the definitive gu um you ready number one is he or she a MCH somebody somebody mention good be right what is a mench good person person an Integrity of Honor notable character don't marry someone who's not a NCH no matter how much money they have no matter how good-looking they are no matter how good-looking and how much money they have together they're not men right but don't you have to be mened first before you can make that yeah if I'm not a man why would they want to be with me sometimes I meet mches who marry not mches yeah and it's sad like should have not men not get married not not mention not mention better than nothing not my private practice is is is booming from those people not so okay number two listen to this is this the person you want to have problems with not will I have problems won't I have problems I don't want to have problems is this the person you want to have problems with it's a shift and it's an important shift problems will happen and problems will be part of that Hill that you climb together number three how do you work through problems when when you past the honeymoon stage and there's disagreements differences opinions opposing desires how do you do it when you both feel when you listen to this when you both feel defensive hurt or angry how do you work it out now I'm hearing from the religious cour in the back of my mind wait a second they got married after a month they didn't get a chance to get through the honeymoon stage so my recommendation is to get through the honeymoon stage before you get married we're not in simple life anymore we're not simple people especially for Bal tra people who've got histories and past and expectations and experiences you need to get through this phase so you recommend dating longer than a mon yeah my uh my old Russ she not Greenberg from I am he wouldn't perform weddings unless they dated for 6 months and people sometimes are Furious before getting inded uh good question I don't know okay uh number four can you cultivate cultivate intimacy together I'm going explain what I invite iny here this to me is the key of whether a face to-face relationship is possible in in the relationship and you can notice this first second third date no problem we're not talking about an incredible level of intensity but what you can ask yourself is is there a draw is there a draw to one another a feeling of closeness this is different than attraction you hear this this is not sexual attraction this is a draw a soul draw to one another how to give really well because that was the only way that they could be and get any kind of forms love to simplify it um and so they will often find themselves in a relationship with somebody who that's where that's the dynamic again where they're giving and the other person is receiving and and listen this happens like we often will choose People based on you know these these places from our own childhood that are complex um and so and so that can help happen but I mean My Hope Is that before you kind of make the decision to go into into that kind of relationship having Consciousness around it okay where is my desire to give coming from you know is it coming from a a work out place in me you know and and and it's I've seen people who have done work on themselves and there's still you know the child AR is there's still going to be a giver and wow it makes you know great you're a mench you know you know there's there's good pieces that clearly but the thing to look out for I think is is it coming from a worked out place are are you is it a place you're holding with Consciousness so a lot of this work of being whole I think is about being really conscious of yeah what are my Tendencies because of my own childhood and because my own my own woundings Etc and so having Consciousness around that will will enable better circum my experience with therapist is it's great when the person gets fixed the mid purpose of relationship is over as well so so right God knows that we've seen people grow it's kind of that's that with the image of the the piece that suddenly starts growing it doesn't fit anymore like somebody becomes more healthy and then they're like wait I can't be in this relationship because I so want to if if there's any way to like catch that before you get married and have three kids you know great there there there oftentimes by the way is a middle ground where there's a destabilization in in a relationship because of that growth that often times draws the other person into doing their work or forces sometimes the other person into doing their work yeah and then there's a way of somebody choosing that person instead of they sometimes have to reconnect again after the reason they got together is fixed that's right that's right but there's still a piece of work that has to happen you like a real conscious marriage needs to be born yeah respect someone help you said if you're helping someone honor and respect if you're helping someone it's not honor and you gave hon and respect I was speaking you respect and you said you said something like if it's a person that you're all the time feeling like oh I'm I'm here to help them we're on different we're on a different level in some way then it might not be good no what I what I meant is if your attitude thank thanks let me clarify that's a good what what what I what I meant by that is that if your attitude towards a potential partner is this person is less than me on some level or this person's like so amazing so beyond that there there's there's subtleties to could be like this person's amazing and that could be very positive but just be cautious of big shifts can is this person respecting you is this person honoring you it could be that your value system is around money and money creates your sense of of um of success success and I'm sorry want to get you and so let's I'm just using this as an example and so that you have someone who's much more financially successful or the bread winner in the family and that going in there's such a mismatch in the way that it doesn't matter if there's a mismatch in the financial piece if there's a mismatch in the way that people trust or honor I'm sorry honor or respect the other then it's just something to pay attention to it's something to be aware of you are expecting someone because brary or whatever but if he didn't bring home a salary right all respect well you wouldn't respect him there's plenty of people who respect people who don't bring home salaries no I'm saying because they chose a relationship where someone doesn't sorry sorry something like that right but they chose he St they are bring home right I'm not talking about I'm talking about someone for some reason right he can't bring you can't didn't so ask yourself the question do I respect them do I honor them do they respect me do they honor me that's all I'm asking to that ask yourself those questions and if the answer is no pay attention to them the circumstances can be different for different people what what creates respect and TR if you're if if you're a person who is going to have a really hard time if your partner doesn't bring in money and you're going to have a hard time respecting them well don't expect that to just change once you you know decide to get married you know so know what you honor and respect and like I listen to that too don't just stress to the side so some why would you Mar if someone has a whole if someone a then why would you want to go into a marriage what can cause problem because um life is messy and intimacy is messy and because we want to share because we want to share sh and and two holes is bigger than and by the way I I just want to say there's such thing as a whole person first of all we're using we're using models and and framework we're we're talking about whether we're we're engaged in the process of self-development whether we're more aware of the pieces that are missing and whether we're doing something other we're orienting ourselves from those directions but not there is no such thing in this just want to say that about our model also like we we have this model and there's just holes in the model but it's a good solid model that can can be extremely helpful in orienting yourself towards healthy relationships I want to give give you all Thea that um that the process of partnering is a joyful one partnering process for you um is hopeful is that it's indicators towards your own growth and that growth drives you on a personal path of self-development of wellbeing enjoying serving hasem and that in the right time and God will it should be as soon as you would like it um that you find the appropriate person to share these um these Hills with and this journey with amen question I don't know exactly how to uh exactly how to phrase it but um this sounds to me like this is the this is the plan now sometimes things don't exactly go like a person it's not good for a person to be alone people and naturally social animals I don't know they need relationships but it's better to be with someone usually than without some but how do you what do you doing the meantime like when just you're not finding the right person you don't find the person that meets all these criteria or you don't like when do you say okay maybe I have to be uh a little bit flexible with some of these things on my list a little realism you can't like everyone look for the prince charming and then be 95 years old and so maybe I should uh I think that's an individual question like per person situ I hear it and or also like what about a person who really can't find something perfect should they go for imperfect and then know that probably not going to be so great or it well we always go for imperfect we always go for imperfect I mean that's that's why I'm sharing you is this the person you want to have problems with what if you already have problem you already have problems well what if I'm not going to find anyone better like what it's obviously an auna thing but sometimes you just have to like if you're I don't like to use these analogies but like someone needs a car now so do this kind do this kind of work find people you respect around you that can give you outside perspective doin about it there's no there's no there's no shortcut answer for that so what's the next step for people that want to keep growing and working do you offer workshops additional classes so we have a couple work which that would be the next step um we do do her engaged that's true that's true so we really really recommend actually for couples that are dating and with engagement in mind or already engaged to do to do the workshop also as like get that work done before you get married start getting the work done before you get married start being aware of the deeper issues before you get married um we do we have a I do a women's group that is definitely about like empowerment and that image of going going up the hill and finding your Hill and so I I do I do workshops around that and um and Hill those Min groups and then we do private counseling that's what we have right now so please gu we'll we'll we're working towards creating moreal workshop for singles and that's this is this is one step in that direction so thank you so much for creating this push us to like be like okay let's let's start to lay that Workshop down so the beginning pie of it thank you I just want to thank you all for coming out and um also the westers of course on a very nice evening if anybody can do anything else but they came here because they want to work on themselves and work on hopefully future relationship and I'll tell you the truth the work never stops but it's you can actually enjoy it and that's going to be the the real key when you see fruits from the labor it it's just delicious and uh hopefully everyone here will be blessed with um seeing the fruits of their labor in every area of their life I just want to remind you we gave out pens and pencils and just drop them off at the desk in the front that'll be great and please open your emails we sent out beautiful emails if you just signed up I promise you you will be getting them please open them to find out the different projects and events that we're having and if you're interested there's um there's business cards on the for myself out on the table and the sign up sheet if you didn't sign it up for the shalad Center thank you guys thank you also H does a Monday night meditation every Monday night open [Music] every a lot of a lot of work thank you thanks for your question so