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Finding the Balance of Altruism and Self-Care | Rabbi Anthony Manning | April 29 2026
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Welcome everybody. Good morning.
It's great to see everybody.
I'd like to read out our
sponsorships for today. The the
Wednesday morning of Rush here in is
dedicated to the mission of Daniel David
and
Abraham Strauss and Mordecai Mosha and
Joseph Mayer Marcus and Bracha. They are
the parents of Judy and Menachem Marcus.
Thank you so much for that. And also the
sheer my sheer is sponsored through the
academic year. The
mission of Bracha
and selling and common
Bracha. Very very grateful for that
sponsorship. Thank you. Um
If I could remind you please to turn off
your phones.
I hope you picked up the sheet. Some of
you may have been a little bit in shock
when you picked this up because there's
only three pages to it. So you may have
you may have concluded either that they
forgot to print the other 15 pages
or that I'm only planning to talk for
eight minutes and then run away.
Uh but actually this these three pages
will take us through one of the most
fascinating
and
discussions.
And I do need to finish bang on time
today maybe even a minute early cuz I'm
meant to be flying to London today.
Was meant to be flying later this
evening and then put my flight to this
morning and then I said well I'll miss
the sheer on Wednesday and then we
managed to get it back again. So I hope
that we're we're in good shape.
Now I won't be here next week and the
two weeks from now. I'm traveling please
God around England and then around
America.
But I hope to be back with you three
weeks from today.
And the topic I'd like to conclude with
you today is part two of the what we
started
I suppose it's a couple of weeks ago cuz
last week was small.
Which was the issue of the midst of the
after the record of which of course this
week's parsha we just in Kedoshim the
mitzvah of loving other people certainly
other Jews maybe even broader than that
like one loves oneself and we looked at
different ways last time that we can
help to help us to love people even if
we don't like them.
I would like to look today at perhaps an
even more important question which is
where do we draw the line and this is
not at all clear except unless you go
deeper into the Sugya because we can't
be all things to all people. There has
to be a limit to how much chessed that
we do because there comes a point when
we begin to wear ourselves out and
actually cause ourselves damage.
So where are we going to draw that line?
I'd like to give two very different
examples. One was when I used was a
lawyer back in the the old country 25
years ago so my Sundays were very
precious you know I worked very long
weeks and Shabbos was great but it was
very hectic but Sunday was our day to do
stuff you know you remember Sundays back
in the day?
So my Sunday afternoon used to look like
this I used to look out of my front
window in my front yard and there was a
line of people with usually beards and
black hats waiting to knock on my door
and they're coming not just to wish me a
happy Sunday but they're coming because
they want to collect money and let's
assume that they're all legit and and
they've all got the right piece of paper
or whatever that proves let's assume but
my Sunday literally was jumping up and
down and up and down and every time I
sat down with my kids to do a little bit
of their homework a knock on the door
ring of the bell hello you're running an
orphanage amazing yes this one's get and
just 2002 when I left England they were
just beginning to get these like
PowerPoint presentations and video
presentations and this
amazing they do let's assume they're all
doing amazing work this one wants a
seminary this one wants a yeshiva this
one this one this one
but there comes a point when like I
can't manage anymore. I tried three
times to sit down and go through my
homework with my kid or to talk to my
wife and I keep running up and answering
the door. At what point do I say I'm not
answering the door?
But what if there's someone collecting
at the door because his kid, God forbid,
has a life-threatening disease, he needs
money to save his life?
What's more important, my son's homework
or his son's life?
Well, obviously, when you put it like
that, obviously his son's life. So, do I
have to answer the door?
So, that's one example. When do I say
no, I have to put other people first?
And another, perhaps more, um, serious
example is I had a student many years
ago, um,
a very nice young lady.
Uh, she was struggling with depression,
um, and she was on top of it, it was a
serious issue for her, but she had good
therapy, she had good medication, and
she's not the only person struggling,
but she she had a particularly difficult
situation. Uh, and she did very well.
Uh, a couple of years later, I had a
phone call, WhatsApp or a phone call
from her, and she said, "I'm in college,
and I have a particular friend who has
latched onto me, and this friend is
suicidal."
And the friend is just out of control in
terms of mental health, and this friend
has become almost like it's clinging
onto me to the point that she's saying
to me that it's only me, this student
was telling me, that's keeping her
alive.
And if it wasn't for me, then she would,
who knows what, God forbid. And the
student said to me, "This friendship is
so toxic for me
that it's dragging me back down into
depression.
But what can I do? Because her need is
life-threatening. My need is serious,
but it's mental health. Do I need to be
there for her? Can I just break off with
her and and not worry about the
consequences? That's a very serious
shaila. And today's shiur will not give
us a trite, quick, one-off answer, but
it'll give us a methodology for how to
deal with those kind of questions. When
it comes to being Adam l'Chavero
mitzvos, the Torah doesn't give a
one-size-fits-all
questions. You know, when you go to a
rav cuz you dropped a fleishig spoon in
a milchig pot,
then like okay, it doesn't really matter
who you ask. It doesn't really matter.
Pick someone out of the yellow pages, if
people remember what that used to be.
And you know, you can just anyone can
answer that question. But if you have a
much more personal and interpersonal
question, the Torah doesn't just give
quick fixes. It gives ideas and
methodologies and you have to plug them
in. I mean, kibud av va'em is a classic
example of that. If you just read what
it says in the books about kibud av
va'em, don't give it much thought and
then go home and do that for your mom
and dad or for your it'll be a disaster.
So, you need to give it thought, but he
will see right right now. Um number one.
This is very famous. Many people say it
every morning. Most people, I think.
Number one, "Eilu devarim she'ein lahem
shiur." Mishnah Pe'ah. The following
things have no shiur, as opposed to I
don't know, shaking a lulav. The lulav
has a shiur or eating matzah. The matzah
has a fixed amount. These don't have a
fixed amount. Hape'ah, leaving the
corner of the field. You can leave as
little or as much as you want for the
poor. And the the Mishnah later on gives
a recommended amount, a 60th or
whatever.
And by the way, it's an interesting
question why we don't do that today. I'm
not getting into that now. But the
pe'ah, corner of the field. Habikurim,
bringing the first fruits to the temple.
You can bring as little or as much as
you wish. Hare'ayon, the amount that you
spend on the korban re'iyah and the
shalmei chagigah that you're bringing on
Yom Tov when you go to the Beit
Hamikdash. You're buying a korban. You
can buy as many or as few. There's no
fixed shiur. And then, ugmilut
chassadim, doing chesed for other people
has no limit. Vetalamud Torah, and
learning Torah, a little bit or all day,
a whole life, five minutes. There is no
fixed amount where you can say, "I've
done it. I did the shiur." With with
matzah, you can say, "I ate it. I don't
want to eat anymore." With Talmud Torah,
there's no end. So, what do we mean when
we say hesed? So, the first thing the
Rabbi Baruch says in number two is
gemilut hasadim deba gufo. This is hesed
that we do personally.
As opposed to what? As opposed to with
money. But, hesed that we do personally
k'gon bikur cholim, visiting the sick.
Lik for maysim, attending a funeral. Uk
yotzei b'hem, etc. Aval gemilut hasadim
deba mamono. But, with your money pidyon
shvuyim. When you need to collect money
to pay a ransom, you're not going
personally to get the person out of
captivity. You're paying money.
Ul'halbish arumim or contributing to buy
clothes for those who are very needy.
Ul'ha'achil et ha'arevim or to give to a
soup kitchen or to a to whoever's
providing food. Uk yotzei b'hem, yesh am
sho, when you're giving your money,
there is a fixed halachic limit.
She'yiten b'chol pa'am she'tavo mitzvah
kazo. The other that each time you have
this mitzvah that comes to your hand to
contribute the maximum you can give is
chamishit min ha'revach she'b'n keso. A
fifth of your income. Which is quite a
lot of money, actually. Okay? And if you
keep doing that, then you'll quickly
have nothing left. But, there is a fixed
amount. You don't have to give more. You
shouldn't give more. V'tulo, and you
mustn't give more. Unless except in rare
cases. Okay? V'tulo m'chayev, you're not
obligated to give more. D'hachi amrinan
v'dosa says and that's why he says, if
you're going to spend money al y'dei al
y'dei yotzei mik'choso. Now, there are
unusual people in this world who could
give away 98% of their wealth and never
notice that it's gone, but that's not
many of us. Most of us, if we give away
a fifth that's already a fortune. Um and
you can't give more than that. But, when
it comes to your personal effort bikur
cholim uh hachnasat orchim, etc.,
leaving aside the money side of it there
is no fixed limit. Now, that's a
problem. What I have to go say? How many
people are there in hospital that could
benefit from a visit from you? Even if
you you say, you know, even just your
friends, even just people that you're
mildly acquainted with. You say, "You
know something? If I go visit her, it'll
make her" Thousands, probably. You're
going to spend your whole day doing
bikur cholim or ein lahem shiur?
You've got to go to every levaya, every
wedding? Okay, it'd be lovely to go to
every wedding. How You can't go to every
single wedding. You'll never do anything
else. So So where are we going to draw
that line? When it says there is no
shiur, there has to be a limit, but it's
saying there's no fixed limit. But you
have to work out what the limit is, and
we'll see what that is in a minute. Um
let us see the Rambam for a second and
remind ourselves of this very important
Rambam in number three.
Mitzvas asiyah shel divrei em levaker
cholim, it's a rabbinic mitzvah to visit
the sick, lenachem avelim to go to a
shiva, lo heiti ameis to go to a
funeral, bring out the the body,
hachnasas kallah to bring in the kallah,
orachim inviting guests, leitzes asiyah
kol tzarchei achiyav for it to do
everything you need for a funeral,
lassei's la kever
to take the body out, leilech lefanav to
walk in the levaya, lispod to give the
hespedim, lichbor
to dig the grave, etc. V'chein as
sameach kallah v'chasan, we looked at
this last time. So too to give simcha to
the kallah, to the chasan at the
wedding, lesa'adeim kol tzarchei achiyav
to buy them wedding gifts, fine. And the
very important line now, that eilu hein
divrei chassadim shel haguf, he passes
this idea. This is chesed you do
personally with your personal effort.
She'ein lahem shiur.
And he brings this Mishnah. There is no
limit. And then he says, "Af al pi
shekol mitzvos divrei em, and even
though we just said these are rabbinic
obligations to go to a funeral, to go to
a shiva, to go to a wedding, harei hein
dichlu bi ahavas lerei'acha kamocha."
They are actually included within
"ve'ahavta lerei'acha kamocha." And we
we talked about this last week. Very
important idea. Every chesed that we do,
even though the rabbis gave a structure
as to these are the things you should be
focused on, everything you do is a Torah
mitzvah, every chesed you do is the
mitzvah of "V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha"
and we talked about that last week. So,
where are we going to find the limit?
So, the way we're going to do this is
we're going to look at a few sugyot,
some of them are very famous, some of
them are much less famous, and we'll see
how we put pieces together. The
beginning is two psukim in Devarim.
And the psukim says as follows in number
four,
"Efes ki lo yihyeh v'cha evyon."
"There will never be any poor people,"
God promises, "ki verach y'varechecha
Hashem b'aretz" because God has blessed
the land, "asher Hashem Elokecha noten
lach nachalah l'rishtah." Oh, sounds
fantastic. There're never going to be
any evyonim, there're never going to be
any And of course, the Torah has many
words for poor people.
Uh and evyon is someone who is really
pretty desperate. And oni, by the way,
when we use aniyim, aniyim are people
who are poor, but not because they're
desperate. Aniyim could have a house, a
job, a car,
but at the end of every month when they
work out the money, it's in the red, not
in the black. There's more coming out
every month than coming in every month.
That's the the definition of an oni,
they're not destitute. But an evyon is
is more so. And then there's a dal and a
rash, but not for now. So, there won't
be any evyonim. That sounds like a great
promise. But literally seven psukim
later, it says, "Ki lo yechdal evyon
mikerev ha'aretz." "There will never be
a lack of poor people, don't worry."
Okay, what's What's going on?
Meaning, if this if this were if one was
in Shmot and one was in Devarim, I mean,
I don't know, still we'd have a problem,
but they're literally in the same
section.
There'll never be a shortage of poor
people. So, what what So, what is it?
There'll never be poor people or
there'll always be poor people? Somehow
they all have to go together. Yes, sir.
Excuse me, the word "efes," I'm not sure
if it means that there will never be,
but I think it means it is impossible
without For For example, "efes ki im
I don't think that's right because
you're saying it's impossible that there
won't be any poor people, but look at
the next bit, because I've blessed the
land so much. That seems a bit of a non
sequitur. But look, let's have a look.
We'll make it work shortly. But first we
have to go to a Sugya, which I'm sure
many people are familiar with. Number
six. Shnayim sh'hayu mahalchim
ba'derech.
Two people on a desert road.
U'viyad echad mehem kiton shel mayim.
And one of them has the water that they
can drink, and they're both dehydrating
and they're both desperate. What are
they going to do?
Im shotim shneihem, if they share the
water,
metim.
They will die, both of them. Now, it's
not guaranteed. You never know. You
know, they'll pray, maybe a miracle will
happen, a miracle in a kind of natural
way, a plane will spot them, a jeep will
come over the sand dunes and see them.
Could happen. Give them a little bit
more time. But in all likelihood, if
they share the water, they'll dehydrate,
they won't make it to nightfall, and
they'll both be finished.
V'im shoteh echad mehem, but if one of
them drinks the water, magia liyishuv.
They'll make it. Probably they'll make
it to nightfall. There's enough, and
once it's night, it's cool, they'll have
a whole, you know, another 8, 9, 10
hours to find They'll they'll make it
home, or they'll make it somewhere.
What should they do? Should they share
it and pray and almost certainly die?
Or should they drink it One of them
drink it and the other one die. So, look
what it says. We've looked at this
before in different shiyurim, but let's
look at it in this context. Darash Ben
Petura. Ben Petura made the following
drasha. We'll talk about him in a
minute. Mutav sheyishtuhu shneihem
v'yamutu. Better they should both drink
and both die.
V'ayira adam mehem b'mitsat shel
chavero. And how can one of them stand
by and see the death of their friend?
Now, this is This is, by the way, an
interesting, um,
uh ethical question that was also
discussed by the Romans. It's in Cicero,
it's in other places. The example they
usually give is two people are
shipwrecked when a ship goes down, and
they're hanging on to a piece of wood,
and if they both hang on to the plank of
wood, it'll go down. But if one of them
lets go, then the other one will be
saved. And that's usually the way in
which they discuss it. This maybe is a
little bit different because there they
were already hanging on as opposed to,
you know, each of them has an equal
claim to this piece of wood, whereas
here one person has a bottle of water
and the other person is asking them to
share. Okay, there are similarities, but
this was a well-known ethical conundrum.
So, Ben Petura comes along and says,
"Share it and die."
Ad she Bar Abbi Akiva, until Rabbi Akiva
comes along and says, "V'li mayd." And
he learns from the pasuk, "V'chai
achicha imach." Which we'll see in a
minute that's pasuk in the context, and
that your brother will live with you.
"Chayecha kodmim l'chayecha chavecha."
Your life takes precedence over the life
of your friend. How is therefore drink
the water, and if the other person dies,
it's it's it's terribly sad, but that's
not your responsibility. How does he
learn your life takes precedence from
this pasuk? Because of the word
"Imach." He could have said, "Help your
brother so they will live." "V'chai
achicha." But he says, "No, v'chai
achicha imach."
So that your brother will live with you.
If you are going to self-destruct,
if you're not going to be there with
them after you've helped them, that's
that you do not need to help them. Help
your brother so they will live together
with you, but not at the expense of you.
Okay? That's what Rabbi Akiva said. So,
we're faced with two opinions, which one
are we going to follow? So, intuitively,
every time I teach this year, even to,
you know, students who have less
background, everyone always says,
"Rabbi Akiva. We have to follow Rabbi
Akiva. Why would we follow Rabbi Akiva?
Because you're going to say, "Well, you
know, I've heard of Rabbi Akiva. I've
never heard of this other guy." We'll
talk about that in [laughter] a minute.
Okay, that's not a very halachic answer.
You could give the answer, "Well, isn't
there a halachic cloud that when Rabbi
Akiva disagrees with one other person,
we always pass him like Rabbi Akiva?"
Yes, there is, almost always. Okay,
good. We could apply that and get to
Rabbi Akiva.
Or you could turn around and say, "Well,
Rabbi Akiva does something that the
other Tanna doesn't do."
What does he do? He brings a possuk. He
brings a possuk. Okay, that's great. So,
he has a proof. On the other hand, Ben
Petura, it says Darash Ben Petura. He's
getting it from somewhere. Where is Ben
Petura getting it from? So, probably the
the best bet for where Ben Petura is
coming from is Veahavta Lereacha
Kamocha, meaning if you are trying to
treat other people as you'd want to be
treated. And don't do to others what you
wouldn't want them to do to you. So, if
you were the person without the water,
begging the other one to share it, you'd
be begging them, "Please share the
water. Give me a chance. Give me a
chance." So, if you don't If you're the
one with the water, so how can you not
treat them
as you would want to be treated? You you
share the water. And you, you know,
pray. And by the way, it's very
interesting in in some systems, even
with We had a shiur on the Ethiopian
halachic system a long time ago, if you
remember, when we were talking about
sighets, and the Ethiopians, not on this
particular issue, but their tradition,
they didn't have this idea of chaile
bahem.
They would not break Shabbat even to
save life. Now, obviously, the Ethiopian
community changed when they came to
Israel and all agreed that they should
change. But because they said, "Look,
you don't get to decide when you die,
usually, most people. And and we, you
know, hope to live a long and fulfilled
life, but HaKadosh Baruch Hu decides it.
Maybe this is the time to share it. And
if it's the end, it's the end." As you
can't control everything. Ben Petura is
coming from there. Now, the problem is,
who is Ben Petura? Again, Rabbi Akiva is
probably the most famous Tanna in the
whole, you know, you know, Torah, in the
whole Mishnah and and the Talmud. But,
uh Ben Petura, no one's ever heard of
him. This is the only place that he
appears in the whole of Shas.
And one theory is that Ben Petura is a
nickname. Sometimes when a Tanna appears
just once or an an opinion, they get the
nickname for the thing that they say.
They only said this in the whole of the
liturgy, in the whole of the literature,
uh rather, and uh he All he said was
dai. That's the only he said was dai.
What is dai? Petura.
Okay, lifter.
Ben Petura, he's he's Rabbi Death,
because all he ever adds to Judaism is
dai. Okay, that's one that's one thing.
There's another theory that he is
someone uh called Rabbi Yehuda ben
Petiri, who appears in a couple of other
places and seems to say uh similar kind
of things. I'm not getting into all of
the weeds on that. There is a slightly,
you know, out there opinion, which was
doing the rounds around 25 years ago,
that it could be that Ben Petura
actually is representing an early
Christian um position on this.
Uh which is that uh you know, man hath
no greater love for his fellow than he
lay down his life for his friend, which
as you will know is not from our uh uh
Chumash or our Tanakh, but it is a quote
from uh the Gospel of John. And the idea
that maybe Ben Petura is Ben Pantera or
Pandera, and once you start giving
Pandera, so everyone knows Yoshke
Pandera, what's going on with that,
that's maybe a reference to uh
Christianity and even to Jesus. Now,
there's a very interesting debate
between Rav Medan, Rav Yaakov Medan, and
another This was put uh forth in an
article in uh the the Alon, in the
magazine of the Har Etzion, in the year
2000. I've got the version at home, and
uh this was put forward by someone
called Shmuel Yanai. I don't know if
it's the Professor Shmuel Yanai from
Haifa, but what a Shmuel Yanai and Rav
Medan hits back with great ferocity and
says there's no way that this guy is
Jesus appearing in the Talmud giving
this particular sheet and he proves it
why it is etc. But that's that's an
interesting
idea. There's also the idea of P'tura
and Petros. And Petros is Peter and
there's there's there's there's a lot to
be discussed there. But let's assume
that that's a little bit
you know off the radar. Ben P'tura is
someone we don't know very much about.
So how are we going to pass this? So
have a look first of all at this passing
that we just quoted number seven.
Al tikah meito neshech. Don't take
interest from people when you loan them
money v'tarbit and different kinds of
interest. V'yareta me'elokecha you have
to fear God. V'chai achicha imach.
That's where the possuk comes from so
your brother will live with you. This
possuk is talking about lending money on
interest. So here we look in slightly
broader terms at this gemara we quoted
of the two people walking on the desert
in the desert. Where does that come
from? Well, that's in Bava Metzia.
It's in Aizer Neshech. It's about
interest. So how does that appear? So
look at the the the the sugi just before
it. It's all part of the same
discussion. Look at number eight. So
these are the lines just before the
story of the two people in the desert.
Amar Rebbe Elazar Amar Rebbe Elazar
ribit k'tzutza yotzei'in b'dayanim. This
is talking about a technical question in
hilchos ribit. If you lend interest in a
way which is interest there are writer,
it's fixed interest and the person has
paid you interest in breach of the
halacha.
Can they get that money back in the beis
din? Meaning they take you to the beis
din and say not only did this person
breach the Torah and charge me interest
and I paid it, but I want that money
back. I want restitution of the money
that I paid. So he says yes, you can get
it back. You can yotzei'in b'dayanim.
You can go to court and get the interest
back. Rebbe Yochanan Amar Rebbe Yochanan
says no, a feel rubit
nami the day on him. For technical
reasons, no, once you've paid, he
shouldn't have charged you, but you're
not able to get it back in the base
then. Okay, we're not getting into the
detail discussion. So Amar Rebbe Nachman
and Rebbe Yitzchak, my time of the Rebbe
Elazar, why does Rebbe Elazar hold that
you can get money back in the base then,
fixed interest back? The Amar the pasuk
ends v'chei achicha imach. What how is
he learning those words? Meaning don't
charge other people interest, and even
more, if you did charge people interest,
make sure that your brother is able to
live with you, i.e. give him the money
back. Give him the money back. And
therefore the Gemara learns that Rebbe
Elazar understands achadele, restore,
return the money to him, ki he said that
he will be able to live. That's what
he's learning from. Rebbe Yochanan and
Rebbe Yochanan says no, v'chei achicha
imach doesn't have anything to do with
interest. Hi, v'chei achicha imach, mai
avdei, what does he do with that line?
No, it's nothing to do with interest. Ni
boy lei, he needs it, kid a tanya, as we
learn in the braisa, sh'nayim shehayu
mahalchin baderech da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da. Meaning Rebbe
Yochanan is the one that learns v'chei
achicha imach to relate to the episode
in the desert.
Rebbe Elazar says no no no no no, it's
got nothing to do with that. It's to do
with interest. That pasuk is not free to
learn for the issue of two people
wandering in the desert. And the
assumption here, which is normally the
assumption in the Gemara, is you can't
use a pasuk for two different things.
You can't double dip when it comes to
drashos. It either is used for this or
it's used for that. Now, you could start
breaking it up and say, the Rosh says
and like, well, maybe v'chei achicha is
used for the ribbis and imach is used
for the other one, but the assumption
here is, no, you have to either take it
for this or take it for that. And I
brought you here number nine, Rebbe
Rebbe Yerucham Fishel Perlow, Rebbe
Yeruchem Fishel Perlow wrote a
commentary on Rav Saadya Gaon's Sefer
Hamitzvot. Now, Rav Saadya Gaon's Sefer
Hamitzvot is about 10 pages long. It's
like a poem where Rav Saadya Gaon goes
through all the mitzvot. And Rabbi
Yeruchem Fishel Perlow's book,
commentary on that, is about 1,000 pages
long.
He basically uses it as a platform to
have an entire discussion about the
mitzvot and what the mitzvah means. And
he says, number nine, "Hu ba'emet, the
truth is, ha Rambam,
the Smag,
the Tur, both the Rambam and the Smag,
Sefer Hamitzvot Gadol, and the Tur, lo
heve'u hakdama d'Rebbi Akiva." They
never quote this din of Rabbi Akiva.
Everybody in this room knows because
it's in our blood. Yeah, if two guys in
the desert, you drink the water. Why?
"V'chayecha k'chayecha imach."
The Rambam never says that.
The Tur never says that. They never
bring that drasha of Rabbi Akiva.
"U'kvar kashya a kasya
k'sasa k'ronim, and I'll suggest why
that is." "D'ta'ama ish um d'didan,
because we kaima lan k'Rebbi Elazar." We
pasken like Rabbi Elazar. "D'Rebbi
Elazar k'sasa yosif b'dayana."
We pasken like Rabbi Elazar in ribbis,
and he used that pasuk for something
else.
And therefore, he says, "Lo kaima lan
k'Rebbi Akiva." Maybe we takka don't
pasken like Rabbi Akiva, which is very
interesting because then you're back to
Ben Petura, which is share it and pray.
Because you can't pasken like one and
pasken like another. And and nobody
really wants to accept that. Like
we have to pasken like Rabbi Akiva
somehow, and therefore we have to
somehow find a way to split this pasuk
up and and use it in different ways. Um
Rav Moshe Feinstein also says it's not
possible we don't pasken like Rabbi
Akiva. There has to be a limit. You
can't share the water. You have to be
able to drink the water. So, look at
what Rav Rav Moshe Feinstein says in
number 10 and number 11. 10 is the
Rambam, and Rav Moshe is going on the
Rambam. He
number 10. The Rambam paskins mitzvah as
I retain zakat la'aniim.
There is a positive Torah mitzvah to
give money to poor people, to aniim.
K'fi ma she'ro'eh la'ani, according to
their needs. Okay, that's a whole
shidduch in of itself. How do we assess
how much they need? But then he says,
"Im hayeta yad hanoten maseret."
But only if you can afford it.
Okay, I mean it's not obvious. If I
can't afford it, I But what does that
mean if I can afford it? What can I
afford? How do I know how much I can
afford? If somebody comes to me and
says, "Oh, I heard you're a big baal
tzedakah. Can you give me $500? It'll
change my entire life."
And I look into the case and think,
"Okay, this guy, $500 going to turn his
life around." Of course I should give
him $500. Why? Okay, that's real money,
but it's not going to be a life-changing
thing for me to give away $500 to
someone who really needs it. So then I
get another call from someone, "Oh, I
hear you're giving away $500 cuz I
really need $500 as well." And
everybody's then jumping on me. They all
need $500. At what point do I say, "I'm
sorry, I can't afford this anymore."
Do I have to wait till I have $499
left in my bank account and then I'll
say, "Hey,
I'm joining you. I also need $500."
>> [laughter]
>> Obviously no. I don't have to wait to
that point.
She would mention your earning a home
next year. You should stop watching your
videos. Okay, good. But a home is on
each occasion. I don't have to give more
than a home is for each ask. Okay, so
how how big a period? Is it every year?
Over a So clearly I can stop giving away
$500 to everybody at a certain point and
I'll say, "Well, how much do you have in
your bank account?" I say, "Well, it's
none of your business, but I have
$25,000 in my bank account." Okay, so
you can afford it. Well, no, because
this money is for
for my kids' education, my kids'
family vacation. And you're going to
say, "What? Your family vacation is
worth more than turning my entire life
around?"
To which the answer might be, "Well,
yes, I need a vacation." But how do you
I mean, it doesn't sound right when you
say it that way, but clearly I don't
have to wait till I'm under the 500. So,
we have to define what that means. So,
look at Rav Moshe Feinstein. Rav Moshe
Feinstein says this all Number 11.
A
when it comes to giving stocker, who
it's it's not a or it's not a limit.
It's it's part of the conditions of the
obligation itself.
The
only when you can afford it never
is that applicable.
It's not like, "Oh, I've given the
amount I have to give."
If I can't afford it, I don't have the
we just have to work out what is called
afforded, not afforded.
But who
and that is why I've explained that this
follows Akiva, the like
we absolutely are not following
you have to put your life first and
we'll define what life means cuz the
$500 is not a life and death situation,
but we'll see how that works. Of course,
you have no obligation to die
to help someone else. The law
and not to do a various
I think
I think this that I just quoted that you
only have an obligation to give stocker
if you can afford it. I think it's an
application of Akiva. This is what you
said, "Does the rule like Akiva?" Yes,
here.
Now, it's interesting it was a
life-and-death issue. This is not a
life-and-death issue, but we'll see
where
Feinstein is getting this from. It's
obvious to me, he says,
"This is coming from the the possuk of
the
achicha imach. It's from that possuk.
V'chain b'minyan hamitzvos, now he does
something absolutely brilliant that only
Rav Moshe Feinstein will be able to pull
this out of a hat. He says, "If you look
at how the Rambam counts the mitzvos,
kasav, he writes, liten stocker k'massas
yado. The definition of the mitzvah is
to give stocker as much as you have you
can afford. Mashma, which sounds to me
sh'hu t'nai b'chiyuv, which is not just
a limit, but is the very condition of
the whole mitzvah. D'lo yesh shiur, it's
not just like, "Oh, I've done it, I
finished it." Sh'lo shayach l'minkas
shiur uh shiur, sorry, b'shem hamitzvah.
You wouldn't write in the in the
headline for this mitzvah that the the
limit is if you can afford it. No, it's
not the limit, it's the definition of
what the mitzvah is. By the way, where
does the Rambam write this?
So, I looked it up, there's a thing
called Minyan Hamitzvos.
If you look in Sefer Hamitzvos, he goes
through every all the 613 mitzvos in
some detail. And that, which is his
introduction to the uh Mishneh Torah,
and then the Rambam has something called
Minyan Hamitzvos, where he just
shorthand records all 613 again.
And I thought, "Oh, it must be there."
And I looked there, and it wasn't this
wording. So, I'm scratching my head, and
I'm thinking, "Did Rav Moshe Feinstein
have a different girsa in the Rambam?"
And then I start looking around girsos,
maybe maybe he had
I couldn't find anything. And then it
dawned on me that the Rambam a third
time goes through uh just the headlines
before before each chapter in the
Mishneh Torah, he gives a little
headline of, "These are the mitzvos that
you do that I'm going to discuss in this
chapter." And it's in that list where he
uses the wording that stocker is a
mitzvah to give what you can afford.
That's the mitzvah. Not to give, to give
what you can afford. And he says, "This
is based on Rabbi Akiva, and we have to
define what that means and how that
works, which we're going to do right
now." Now, just coming back to Rabbi
Akiva, Rabbi Akiva didn't say you have
to drink the water. It's quite possible
that Rabbi Akiva would agree that there
are extreme cases where the person with
the water might turn around and say,
"You know something, let's say the
person with the water is 110 years old,
uh, you know, and has 2 weeks to live
for whatever reason, and the person
who's the other person is a young person
with a whole life." He might turn around
or she might turn around and say, "You
know something, Rabbi Akiva says I can
drink the water, but hey sunny, you take
the water water, have a good life, and
maybe Rabbi Akiva's okay with that.
He's just saying that if you drink the
water, you don't have to feel guilty,
and maybe it'll help with your therapy
afterwards when they're trying to help
you with the dealing with the issue. You
can say, "Well, at least you at least
you passing like Rabbi Akiva." Oh,
that's okay then, that's fine. But, what
the the uh, but the the the psak that
brings Rabbi Akiva into this more subtle
discussion of not life and death, but
what can I afford, is a much less
well-known Gemara in the Torah. Look in
number 12. Look at this Gemara in the
Torah. Mayan shel bnei ha'ir.
A city has a water source. Now, let me
give you the context here. There's a
drought,
and nobody has anything to drink, and
towns all around the area are in dire
straits. Nobody has any water. And then
one town finds water. They strike water
in a Mayan, they find a spring.
And then the town down the road hears
hears about it and calls them up and
says, "Ooh, you found water. Can you
help us? Can you save some of our
people?" Well, "If we save some of your
people, then that's at the expense of
some of our people. We don't have
unlimited water." So, what do they do?
So, here's the case. Number 12. Mayan
shel bnei ha'ir. If a town finds a
spring in this situation, chayeihen
v'chayei acherim, if it's their lives
versus other people's lives, chayeihen
kodmin l'chayei acherim. Their lives
take precedence over the town down the
road. And again, here, clearly that's
Rabbi Akiva. The people with the water
drink the water, and they may not be
allowed to give it away because they're
responsible for their people. It's not
just them, but they're responsible for
their people. Okay, so far so good. Your
life versus their life, your life takes
precedence. Okay, next case.
Behemtam.
Your animals. U behemas acherim. The
case in scenario number two is each town
now has found water to save lives. Oh,
baruch Hashem. No one's dying.
But the one town has extra water to feed
their animals, and the other town has no
extra water, their animals will die.
Whose animals get saved? If you have
water for your animals, do you share it
and save other people's animals? Now,
this is not life and death, but it's not
Animals here are not like pets. It's not
like your little dog. It's They need it
for food, they need it for machinery.
You know, every time the the the the
Torah says a shor, an ox, think of a
tractor. Every time he says a chamor, a
donkey, think of a pickup truck. You
know, if I if I give if my animals die,
then okay, I'll I'll live this week, but
what's going to be for next year? So,
who gets the extra water for their
animals? Says the Gemara, behemtam kodem
lebehemas acherim. Second line number
12. You can give your animals first.
Okay, that's interesting, cuz that's
when it comes to money, I can prioritize
my people, not just life and death.
Next, the Gemara says that scenario
three, kvisatam v'kvisas acherim. Your
laundry versus their laundry. New
scenario, scenario three, each town has
enough water to live and enough water to
give their animals. But now the one of
the towns has extra water for personal
hygiene. They can wash their clothes.
They can take a shower. And the other
town says, "Hey, we'd like to wash some
of our clothes, and we'd also like to
take a shower. Please share it with us."
Says the Gemara, if that's the choice
they have, um kvisatam kodem kvisas
acherim. Their personal hygiene needs
take precedence over other people's
personal hygiene. Is that okay? So, this
is again to sound First of all, a bit
repetitive. I get this. And a little bit
self-centered, you know? Oh, I always
come first. My needs come first. My
laundry comes first. My Okay, how does
that work? Okay, we'll see. We'll see
that the Gamara is actually lulling us
into a false sense of security. Don't
turn the page yet cuz the kicker's just
about to come. Because the Gamara now
answers a false asks a false scenario.
The end of number 12, he says, "Okay,
now what about this case?
Chayei acheirim, what about their lives
or kvisas tan and your laundry?"
Meaning they have no water at all.
They're dying. And you have water to
drink, water for animals, and water for
personal hygiene. What's more important,
their life or your personal hygiene?
Says the Gamara. What a question. Chayei
acheirim kodem l'kvisas tan. Of course,
their lives come before your personal
hygiene. And then, of course, then you
just read ahead and and ask the
question. Rebbi Yosi omer, Rebbi Yosi
says no. Kvisas tan kodem es l'chayei
acheirim. Your laundry comes before
their lives.
Now, that of course is the line that the
Gamara was bringing you into. That's the
chiddush. Why? Why would Rebbi Yosi, who
we pasken like, by the way, cuz Rebbi
Yosi, we almost always pasken like. Why
would we say that your personal hygiene
needs take precedence over other
people's lives?
So, let's have a look at the Ran. The
Ran on page three, the Ran says as
follows. The Ran on the Darom here.
Number 40. Rebbi Yosi omer kvisas tan
shel osei ha'ir. Rebbi Yosi says that
the laundry of that particular town,
kodem es l'shtiyas tan, takes precedence
over the drinking shel bnei ir acheirim,
of the next town down the road. Why?
Disvira lei, cuz he holds, svira lei
d'Rebbi Yosi, d'keivan d'mineias kvisa,
because if you don't have any way to to
deal with personal hygiene for the
length of time we're talking about, eka
tsara tuvah.
It's very distressing.
And therefore, "Chai nefesh who?"
And therefore, that's like your life.
Now, of course, it's not actually life
and death.
Let's say we all did a deal, everyone
sitting in this room. We're not going to
do any washing, we're not going to do
any laundry, we're not going to have any
showers for 3 months. We're just going
to wear exactly what we wear right now.
Okay? And what we're going to do is all
the money that we normally pay put into
detergent and water and running the
washing machine, we're going to pool all
that money and we're going to give it
and we're going to save lives. And we
could do that. I mean, we really could
save lives, many, many lives. Okay,
we'll be very uncomfortable after a few
days, after a week or two, we'll be very
smelly, we'll probably end up with body
lice, but you know something?
You can get deloused, you can get
cleaned up. It It's going to be very
uncomfortable. We're going to save lives
here. Like, how can you even not want to
do that? The answer is nobody in this
room is going to do that.
And neither am I. Okay?
>> [laughter]
>> Because it's Why? Why not? Oh, well,
what's more important, like personal
hygiene or lives? No, says the Rabbi
Yossi, this is not just an
inconvenience. This is tzara tuvah.
You've crossed a line. You crossed a
line where No, I can't do this. This is
This This will make me in some way,
we'll see the language soon, poor in a
real way. It's not going to cost me more
life, but it's a line that I'm not
prepared to cross. Let's give another
example. Let's say that my wife, you
know, is washing the clothes and I say
to her, "You know, sweetheart, I feel a
bit guilty. We run the washing machine,
you know, let's sell the washing
machine. Let's save all the money that
we use on washing machine and and maybe
you could do the washing wash the
clothes down in the creek like your
great-grandmother used to do. You know,
go down, there's a there's a Mayan, take
take a bag, do the clothes there and
what You know, we we don't need a
washing machine. We could save lives
with the money we spend on that." My
wife is going to look at me.
She's going to say, "You You
You learn this Torah and you've got no
sense in your head." She goes, she's
going to say, "Yeah, you're going to you
do the washing." She's going to say.
She's [laughter] going to say to me, "I
I need a washing machine." And so the
answer is, "Well,
my grandmother didn't have a washing
machine. She washed and she had a
mangle."
Not a mangal like a barbecue, but a
mangle.
>> [laughter]
>> You know? She she, you know, I remember
as a kid, "Get don't put your hand in
there." I was very like and she managed.
So she's going to say to me this, "For
your grandmother, a washing machine was
a luxury. For me, a washing machine is a
necessity. It's not a luxury."
So, how are we going to draw that line?
How are we going to talk about what is
called Sarah Tova even though their need
is objectively greater than yours?
They're dying and you're having showers,
but that's a line you don't have to
cross.
It's not because of nefesh. You're not
going to die from getting body lice.
It's going to be
Ah, good. Okay, [laughter] good. Good,
good, good, good. Because of nefesh is
something that sets aside Shabbat sets
aside other things, but it doesn't mean
but you But but it doesn't set aside
everything. And here we're trying to
work out what that line is. So, let's
have a look at the the on the Shulchan
Aruch. Number 14, you can read in your
own time a little bit. I brought you
a piece from what's called the Safer Yad
Haketana, which is
which is a very interesting parish,
which is less known parish of Dov Berish
Gottlieb on the Mishnah Torah. And he
also puts in there when he goes through
the mitzvah of Ahavat Yisrael and
mitzvah to love other people,
he also, if you could maybe just go to
Well, let's just read the first five
lines and get a feel for it and you'll
see the line that I'm looking for.
Mitzvah kol Adam la el des kol echad
echad miYisrael begufo, you have to love
every other Jew like yourself. She
nemavi havtalah kamocha. Defik sak
lesaber beshvacho, you have to speak
nicely about other people. Veloch sam
money be worried about their
possessions. Okasha chasal money atzmo
just like you're worried about your own
possessions. for
yourself and you want people to give you
respect. They are
you love and you and you will care for
your friend.
It's like you love and you care for
yourself. He's quoting the Rambam in his
book
and whatever he's trying to do in life
you
are happy. You are happy what you want
him to get what he wants. You are made
and you are sad when he is sad.
You are always speaking
nicely to people. They are
covered in a respectful and nice way.
However, and here's the key answer in
the middle of the fifth line. Call
shall the mitzvah your obligation of
this mitzvah who is not
your gear ball music. Love
this is only if you don't suffer music
to do that.
Okay, damage to do that.
We place
because of the love or
you don't have to lose your job for
helping other people. They are
because you are helping other people
with there's and then he brings up from
Akiva. So clearly this is a limitation
within the the mitzvah of
and and how are we going to draw that
line? What's called music? People it's
always going to cause some inconvenience
to do
or do I really have to go to this you
know Shiva house I've got things planned
for tonight. I've got I'm going to miss
out. Yes, it's always going to cost
something. There's always going to be a
cost in doing this. You have to not do
that so you can do that. Where is the
line going to be? Well, this is not just
a cost this is music. So have a look at
this here in number 15 and we'll see the
says the tomorrow is follows. There's a
mission in
are they
if you have a choice between bringing
back your lost property or the lost
property of your father are they
yours comes takes priority. Are they
does that
rabbi? What about your lost property and
your rabbis lost property? Shall I pay
them also yours comes takes property
takes precedence. Says the Gamara. Me
not honey milli, where do we learn this
from? I'm a rabbi
I'm a crowd. FS killer year of
remember that
they will not be any poor people.
They're not reading it like that.
They're reading it there's enough poor
people already. We
see that in the second person. There's
enough poor people don't make more poor
people. Don't make yourself into a poor
person. That's how the Gamara is reading
it. FS killer year of young shall
call them the shell call Adam. Yours
comes first. Yes. What happens if you
have only that money for either your
parents or your children who learning
Torah? Oh, that's a very good question.
I'm not getting into the weeds of that
question. Depends on how what the needs
are of your parents. What is he poor or
do they want to go on holiday or do they
need it in order to pay for their you
know, living expenses otherwise they
won't live. What kind of Torah is your
child learning? Have they been learning
Torah for 15 years and they're not that
good at it anyway and you're probably
better off putting [laughter] putting
putting the money into your parents. Are
they are you you know, bringing the next
God will have Torah into the world. It's
very case specific very very case
specific. Not everybody that's learning
Torah should be learning Torah and
plenty people who are not learning Torah
should be learning Torah. So I'm not
getting into that right now. But let's
have a look. Shall I go
to the shell color that I'm already I'm
a rab. Call hammer kind of
but if you behave this way
I come first.
Which you're allowed to because you
don't make yourself poor. Save by the
car then you'll end up like that.
Like what? So Rashi says I thought he
shall I he kill a lot of casa even
though the person doesn't say you have
to. You can say I come first.
You have to push yourself.
Beyond the letter of the law.
The law would adapt it and not be too
careful to say Shelley code them. Oh, I
come first. It's you know, I'm not
allowed to make myself poor.
Unless
it's like a real loss. You have to
decide is it a real loss?
The entire
because if you're always so careful to
put yourself first, you'll
never do any for anyone. You'll never
give any stuff for anyone. Oh, I need
this money. I want to buy myself a
coffee. You know?
I like my coffee. Why would I give this
to stuff? You'll never do anything.
Point my love
of associates directly with as a
punishment you'll end up a stock a case
yourself. Because if that's how you
behave
you'll end up needing other people. And
then
past tense this let's just look in the
three lines in number 16. He says me
someone who loses lost property or
does by latest they find it together
with their friends lost property. Let's
put a scenario on this. You go on
vacation and the airline loses all your
luggage. Okay? You come back no luggage
and then a week later the airline calls
you and say we found all your luggage
and your friends and your family that
you went on vacation with. It's all at
the airport come and pick it up. Great.
You drive to the airport, you park the
car, you walk into the airport and
instead of being locked up in some
secure area, they've just left it in the
middle of
the concourse.
And now you have a
halachic and ethical dilemma. Whose case
do I take back to the car first? There's
just you there.
Do I take my case? Do I take my friend's
case? Do I take my dad's case? Do I take
my rabbi's case? Bit strange you went on
holiday with your rabbi but okay.
[laughter]
Let's let's let's let's leave that
aside, okay? Which
I can only take one. Which do I take?
What am I going to prioritize? He says
if you come across your lost property
with other people's If you
if you can carry everything back, okay,
so you have to carry everything back.
But if you to choose, you have to share
it
you can take yours back.
Because
your lost property takes precedence even
over your father, even over your rabbi.
Could the Sheena as we bring in the
FS law
he doesn't always bring in
interestingly, but he says this means
don't make yourself poor. Then then he
says
nevertheless
you should push yourself beyond the
strict letter of the law. The law
don't be too quick to say Shelley
I come first.
Unless
it's clearly a major loss.
Because if you're always so careful to
put yourself first, you'll
never do any because you'll always put
yourself first. So that's exactly what
we saw. So what's going on here?
Yeah, okay
as well therefore you have to always go
past stomach you possibly can. It's
funny my granddaughter came home from
gambling the other day seeing the
Akiva you know that cloud got all the
Torah Shelley Shelley shall have Shelley
shall have a Shelley shall have all that
she was singing the song dancing around
the room and then her little sister you
know wanted something she said no that's
mine. Okay,
and my wife spotted an educational
moment and she said it's my grand she's
only five. She said to her like you know
what happened to Shelley shall have a
Shelley shall have a Shelley shall have
you you just sang the song for 20
minutes and she like
like you know
I don't actually keep this stuff we just
sing it in you know we just sing it in
this is real this is real. So it's very
interesting. So what's going on here is
that yes I'm allowed to put myself first
but only when it's a real line like the
things I suggested you don't have to get
body lice in order to save lives. You
don't have to sell the washing machine
when you've got a family you need to
wash clothes because your grandmother
did without it.
It's clear to me that in the case of the
student that called me and said to me,
you know, I'm being dragged into
clinical depression because of this
relationship, there's no question in my
mind that that is called the tsara tuva.
That is a serious line. That is a line
beyond which you do not and maybe you
should not go even if the other person's
need is objectively greater because that
is making you really poor. Not
financially poor necessarily, but
emotionally, psychologically poor.
That's a line. What about me and my
little boy with the the homework?
So that's a good call. On the one hand,
if I get up from what I'm doing and my
my little kid sees me and going to the
door and speaking to people and giving
stuff, that's great role modeling. You
know, Mom, my dad's you know, give stuck
her it's a big mix for he prioritizes
it. That's lovely.
>> [clears throat]
>> There's going to come a point in this,
he was then five, he's now 30,
there there's going to come a point in
this five-year-old's mind which he's not
able to even articulate when he starts
to have that kind of rabbi's children
syndrome, which is that my parents have
some kind of Messiah complex, they're
there for every single person in the
world except for me, except for me.
Now when I sense that it's reaching that
point, I think that's a line. I think
that's a line I am not required and
maybe should not impoverish
[clears throat] in this way, put into my
kids' mind this feeling just because I
want to help someone whose need is
objectively greater, but it's it's a
it's a judgment call. If you think about
this, we do this all the time. Let me
give you a very stark example. Let's say
somebody is sick and they go to the
hospital and the hospital say, well,
we'd love to be able to treat them and
we know how to treat them, but we just
don't have enough money. We've run out
of budget and we we only have two
machines
and they're both being used and and I'm
sorry, there's nothing we can do.
That happens. That really does happen.
You know, even with the best insurance
in the world, that happens. And you
leave the hospital and you think, "Okay,
it's terrible. It's a tragedy, but okay,
money is finite. They only have so much
money." Correct. But then you walk
across the road and they're planting
flowers on the roundabout in the traffic
circle across the road.
And you run back into the hospital and
say, "Well, I thought you said that the
the city has no more money. They have no
more money for machines and therefore my
friend's not going to make it, but
they've got money to plant flowers."
What's more important, flowers or lives?
Why are they planting flowers when they
could be saving lives?
So,
what's the answer? Should they not plant
any flowers?
Should they sell, let's say the city of
New York, should sell Central Park? Get
rid of it. Sell it to property
developers. Sell it to Donald Trump.
And he'll fill the whole of Central And
you know, and we're going to give that
money, we're going to put that money
into medical research. Let's say he
says, "Every penny I make I'm going to
put into medical research." So, what's
more important? Medical Think of how
many lives you're going to save. But
we'll have no green spaces.
That's a poverty. That's a line. Even if
the the if the city was being run by
Tamir Haham along the lines of the
Shulchan Aruch, which may be a scary
prospect depending on your depending
[laughter] depending on your position on
these things, they still wouldn't say,
"Well, we sell all the green spaces and
make, you know, put the money into"
because people need trees. People need
That's a poverty of society and
therefore it's a difficult line to be
able to cross and therefore we have to
think to ourselves, I think, lema'aseh
the following.
Everybody's born selfish. That's how we
all came out. Little M E. We we cry, we
scream, we don't care about anybody
else's needs, sleep patterns. We just
just me, me, me. As you get older, they
say to people, "No, it's not just about
you. You have to love your neighbor as
yourself. You have to also put other
people first, etc." But then there's the
big M E, which is actually I'm not being
selfish.
I need to put myself first. I need to
self-focus because I'm crossing a line.
that's legit. As long as you're
constantly asking, not constantly, but
you're asking, am I just being selfish?
Cuz we do drop back into that. Or is
this like I thought this through and
like I come first. Like, you know, when
you're traveling with a kid on the plane
and they say if the mask come down, then
you put your mask on first and then the
kids mask. Oh, what about the kid
freaking out saying, why are you doing
this for yourself? What about me? What
about my chopped liver?
So, [snorts] no, you need to put
yourself first in order to help other
people. No, you're not being selfish in
that situation. So, there are many
scenarios in life where we're not being
selfish and there are others when we
are. And what the Halakha is telling us
at the end of the day is
just think about it. That's all. If it's
a line that makes you poor, you don't
have to cross that line. If it's not,
maybe you do. I don't know. Depends. And
therefore, it's going to leave it Every
single person in this room has a
different, uh, you know, analysis of
that and therefore, you have to think
about that and plug that in. So, we'll
leave that there. Thank you so much.
And, uh, we'll see you I'll see you,
please God, in 3 weeks from today.