Finding the Balance of Altruism and Self-Care | Rabbi Anthony Manning | April 29 2026

Welcome everybody. Good morning. It's great to see everybody. I'd like to read out our sponsorships for today. The the Wednesday morning of Rush here in is dedicated to the mission of Daniel David and Abraham Strauss and Mordecai Mosha and Joseph Mayer Marcus and Bracha. They are the parents of Judy and Menachem Marcus. Thank you so much for that. And also the sheer my sheer is sponsored through the academic year. The mission of Bracha and selling and common Bracha. Very very grateful for that sponsorship. Thank you. Um If I could remind you please to turn off your phones. I hope you picked up the sheet. Some of you may have been a little bit in shock when you picked this up because there's only three pages to it. So you may have you may have concluded either that they forgot to print the other 15 pages or that I'm only planning to talk for eight minutes and then run away. Uh but actually this these three pages will take us through one of the most fascinating and discussions. And I do need to finish bang on time today maybe even a minute early cuz I'm meant to be flying to London today. Was meant to be flying later this evening and then put my flight to this morning and then I said well I'll miss the sheer on Wednesday and then we managed to get it back again. So I hope that we're we're in good shape. Now I won't be here next week and the two weeks from now. I'm traveling please God around England and then around America. But I hope to be back with you three weeks from today. And the topic I'd like to conclude with you today is part two of the what we started I suppose it's a couple of weeks ago cuz last week was small. Which was the issue of the midst of the after the record of which of course this week's parsha we just in Kedoshim the mitzvah of loving other people certainly other Jews maybe even broader than that like one loves oneself and we looked at different ways last time that we can help to help us to love people even if we don't like them. I would like to look today at perhaps an even more important question which is where do we draw the line and this is not at all clear except unless you go deeper into the Sugya because we can't be all things to all people. There has to be a limit to how much chessed that we do because there comes a point when we begin to wear ourselves out and actually cause ourselves damage. So where are we going to draw that line? I'd like to give two very different examples. One was when I used was a lawyer back in the the old country 25 years ago so my Sundays were very precious you know I worked very long weeks and Shabbos was great but it was very hectic but Sunday was our day to do stuff you know you remember Sundays back in the day? So my Sunday afternoon used to look like this I used to look out of my front window in my front yard and there was a line of people with usually beards and black hats waiting to knock on my door and they're coming not just to wish me a happy Sunday but they're coming because they want to collect money and let's assume that they're all legit and and they've all got the right piece of paper or whatever that proves let's assume but my Sunday literally was jumping up and down and up and down and every time I sat down with my kids to do a little bit of their homework a knock on the door ring of the bell hello you're running an orphanage amazing yes this one's get and just 2002 when I left England they were just beginning to get these like PowerPoint presentations and video presentations and this amazing they do let's assume they're all doing amazing work this one wants a seminary this one wants a yeshiva this one this one this one but there comes a point when like I can't manage anymore. I tried three times to sit down and go through my homework with my kid or to talk to my wife and I keep running up and answering the door. At what point do I say I'm not answering the door? But what if there's someone collecting at the door because his kid, God forbid, has a life-threatening disease, he needs money to save his life? What's more important, my son's homework or his son's life? Well, obviously, when you put it like that, obviously his son's life. So, do I have to answer the door? So, that's one example. When do I say no, I have to put other people first? And another, perhaps more, um, serious example is I had a student many years ago, um, a very nice young lady. Uh, she was struggling with depression, um, and she was on top of it, it was a serious issue for her, but she had good therapy, she had good medication, and she's not the only person struggling, but she she had a particularly difficult situation. Uh, and she did very well. Uh, a couple of years later, I had a phone call, WhatsApp or a phone call from her, and she said, "I'm in college, and I have a particular friend who has latched onto me, and this friend is suicidal." And the friend is just out of control in terms of mental health, and this friend has become almost like it's clinging onto me to the point that she's saying to me that it's only me, this student was telling me, that's keeping her alive. And if it wasn't for me, then she would, who knows what, God forbid. And the student said to me, "This friendship is so toxic for me that it's dragging me back down into depression. But what can I do? Because her need is life-threatening. My need is serious, but it's mental health. Do I need to be there for her? Can I just break off with her and and not worry about the consequences? That's a very serious shaila. And today's shiur will not give us a trite, quick, one-off answer, but it'll give us a methodology for how to deal with those kind of questions. When it comes to being Adam l'Chavero mitzvos, the Torah doesn't give a one-size-fits-all questions. You know, when you go to a rav cuz you dropped a fleishig spoon in a milchig pot, then like okay, it doesn't really matter who you ask. It doesn't really matter. Pick someone out of the yellow pages, if people remember what that used to be. And you know, you can just anyone can answer that question. But if you have a much more personal and interpersonal question, the Torah doesn't just give quick fixes. It gives ideas and methodologies and you have to plug them in. I mean, kibud av va'em is a classic example of that. If you just read what it says in the books about kibud av va'em, don't give it much thought and then go home and do that for your mom and dad or for your it'll be a disaster. So, you need to give it thought, but he will see right right now. Um number one. This is very famous. Many people say it every morning. Most people, I think. Number one, "Eilu devarim she'ein lahem shiur." Mishnah Pe'ah. The following things have no shiur, as opposed to I don't know, shaking a lulav. The lulav has a shiur or eating matzah. The matzah has a fixed amount. These don't have a fixed amount. Hape'ah, leaving the corner of the field. You can leave as little or as much as you want for the poor. And the the Mishnah later on gives a recommended amount, a 60th or whatever. And by the way, it's an interesting question why we don't do that today. I'm not getting into that now. But the pe'ah, corner of the field. Habikurim, bringing the first fruits to the temple. You can bring as little or as much as you wish. Hare'ayon, the amount that you spend on the korban re'iyah and the shalmei chagigah that you're bringing on Yom Tov when you go to the Beit Hamikdash. You're buying a korban. You can buy as many or as few. There's no fixed shiur. And then, ugmilut chassadim, doing chesed for other people has no limit. Vetalamud Torah, and learning Torah, a little bit or all day, a whole life, five minutes. There is no fixed amount where you can say, "I've done it. I did the shiur." With with matzah, you can say, "I ate it. I don't want to eat anymore." With Talmud Torah, there's no end. So, what do we mean when we say hesed? So, the first thing the Rabbi Baruch says in number two is gemilut hasadim deba gufo. This is hesed that we do personally. As opposed to what? As opposed to with money. But, hesed that we do personally k'gon bikur cholim, visiting the sick. Lik for maysim, attending a funeral. Uk yotzei b'hem, etc. Aval gemilut hasadim deba mamono. But, with your money pidyon shvuyim. When you need to collect money to pay a ransom, you're not going personally to get the person out of captivity. You're paying money. Ul'halbish arumim or contributing to buy clothes for those who are very needy. Ul'ha'achil et ha'arevim or to give to a soup kitchen or to a to whoever's providing food. Uk yotzei b'hem, yesh am sho, when you're giving your money, there is a fixed halachic limit. She'yiten b'chol pa'am she'tavo mitzvah kazo. The other that each time you have this mitzvah that comes to your hand to contribute the maximum you can give is chamishit min ha'revach she'b'n keso. A fifth of your income. Which is quite a lot of money, actually. Okay? And if you keep doing that, then you'll quickly have nothing left. But, there is a fixed amount. You don't have to give more. You shouldn't give more. V'tulo, and you mustn't give more. Unless except in rare cases. Okay? V'tulo m'chayev, you're not obligated to give more. D'hachi amrinan v'dosa says and that's why he says, if you're going to spend money al y'dei al y'dei yotzei mik'choso. Now, there are unusual people in this world who could give away 98% of their wealth and never notice that it's gone, but that's not many of us. Most of us, if we give away a fifth that's already a fortune. Um and you can't give more than that. But, when it comes to your personal effort bikur cholim uh hachnasat orchim, etc., leaving aside the money side of it there is no fixed limit. Now, that's a problem. What I have to go say? How many people are there in hospital that could benefit from a visit from you? Even if you you say, you know, even just your friends, even just people that you're mildly acquainted with. You say, "You know something? If I go visit her, it'll make her" Thousands, probably. You're going to spend your whole day doing bikur cholim or ein lahem shiur? You've got to go to every levaya, every wedding? Okay, it'd be lovely to go to every wedding. How You can't go to every single wedding. You'll never do anything else. So So where are we going to draw that line? When it says there is no shiur, there has to be a limit, but it's saying there's no fixed limit. But you have to work out what the limit is, and we'll see what that is in a minute. Um let us see the Rambam for a second and remind ourselves of this very important Rambam in number three. Mitzvas asiyah shel divrei em levaker cholim, it's a rabbinic mitzvah to visit the sick, lenachem avelim to go to a shiva, lo heiti ameis to go to a funeral, bring out the the body, hachnasas kallah to bring in the kallah, orachim inviting guests, leitzes asiyah kol tzarchei achiyav for it to do everything you need for a funeral, lassei's la kever to take the body out, leilech lefanav to walk in the levaya, lispod to give the hespedim, lichbor to dig the grave, etc. V'chein as sameach kallah v'chasan, we looked at this last time. So too to give simcha to the kallah, to the chasan at the wedding, lesa'adeim kol tzarchei achiyav to buy them wedding gifts, fine. And the very important line now, that eilu hein divrei chassadim shel haguf, he passes this idea. This is chesed you do personally with your personal effort. She'ein lahem shiur. And he brings this Mishnah. There is no limit. And then he says, "Af al pi shekol mitzvos divrei em, and even though we just said these are rabbinic obligations to go to a funeral, to go to a shiva, to go to a wedding, harei hein dichlu bi ahavas lerei'acha kamocha." They are actually included within "ve'ahavta lerei'acha kamocha." And we we talked about this last week. Very important idea. Every chesed that we do, even though the rabbis gave a structure as to these are the things you should be focused on, everything you do is a Torah mitzvah, every chesed you do is the mitzvah of "V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha" and we talked about that last week. So, where are we going to find the limit? So, the way we're going to do this is we're going to look at a few sugyot, some of them are very famous, some of them are much less famous, and we'll see how we put pieces together. The beginning is two psukim in Devarim. And the psukim says as follows in number four, "Efes ki lo yihyeh v'cha evyon." "There will never be any poor people," God promises, "ki verach y'varechecha Hashem b'aretz" because God has blessed the land, "asher Hashem Elokecha noten lach nachalah l'rishtah." Oh, sounds fantastic. There're never going to be any evyonim, there're never going to be any And of course, the Torah has many words for poor people. Uh and evyon is someone who is really pretty desperate. And oni, by the way, when we use aniyim, aniyim are people who are poor, but not because they're desperate. Aniyim could have a house, a job, a car, but at the end of every month when they work out the money, it's in the red, not in the black. There's more coming out every month than coming in every month. That's the the definition of an oni, they're not destitute. But an evyon is is more so. And then there's a dal and a rash, but not for now. So, there won't be any evyonim. That sounds like a great promise. But literally seven psukim later, it says, "Ki lo yechdal evyon mikerev ha'aretz." "There will never be a lack of poor people, don't worry." Okay, what's What's going on? Meaning, if this if this were if one was in Shmot and one was in Devarim, I mean, I don't know, still we'd have a problem, but they're literally in the same section. There'll never be a shortage of poor people. So, what what So, what is it? There'll never be poor people or there'll always be poor people? Somehow they all have to go together. Yes, sir. Excuse me, the word "efes," I'm not sure if it means that there will never be, but I think it means it is impossible without For For example, "efes ki im I don't think that's right because you're saying it's impossible that there won't be any poor people, but look at the next bit, because I've blessed the land so much. That seems a bit of a non sequitur. But look, let's have a look. We'll make it work shortly. But first we have to go to a Sugya, which I'm sure many people are familiar with. Number six. Shnayim sh'hayu mahalchim ba'derech. Two people on a desert road. U'viyad echad mehem kiton shel mayim. And one of them has the water that they can drink, and they're both dehydrating and they're both desperate. What are they going to do? Im shotim shneihem, if they share the water, metim. They will die, both of them. Now, it's not guaranteed. You never know. You know, they'll pray, maybe a miracle will happen, a miracle in a kind of natural way, a plane will spot them, a jeep will come over the sand dunes and see them. Could happen. Give them a little bit more time. But in all likelihood, if they share the water, they'll dehydrate, they won't make it to nightfall, and they'll both be finished. V'im shoteh echad mehem, but if one of them drinks the water, magia liyishuv. They'll make it. Probably they'll make it to nightfall. There's enough, and once it's night, it's cool, they'll have a whole, you know, another 8, 9, 10 hours to find They'll they'll make it home, or they'll make it somewhere. What should they do? Should they share it and pray and almost certainly die? Or should they drink it One of them drink it and the other one die. So, look what it says. We've looked at this before in different shiyurim, but let's look at it in this context. Darash Ben Petura. Ben Petura made the following drasha. We'll talk about him in a minute. Mutav sheyishtuhu shneihem v'yamutu. Better they should both drink and both die. V'ayira adam mehem b'mitsat shel chavero. And how can one of them stand by and see the death of their friend? Now, this is This is, by the way, an interesting, um, uh ethical question that was also discussed by the Romans. It's in Cicero, it's in other places. The example they usually give is two people are shipwrecked when a ship goes down, and they're hanging on to a piece of wood, and if they both hang on to the plank of wood, it'll go down. But if one of them lets go, then the other one will be saved. And that's usually the way in which they discuss it. This maybe is a little bit different because there they were already hanging on as opposed to, you know, each of them has an equal claim to this piece of wood, whereas here one person has a bottle of water and the other person is asking them to share. Okay, there are similarities, but this was a well-known ethical conundrum. So, Ben Petura comes along and says, "Share it and die." Ad she Bar Abbi Akiva, until Rabbi Akiva comes along and says, "V'li mayd." And he learns from the pasuk, "V'chai achicha imach." Which we'll see in a minute that's pasuk in the context, and that your brother will live with you. "Chayecha kodmim l'chayecha chavecha." Your life takes precedence over the life of your friend. How is therefore drink the water, and if the other person dies, it's it's it's terribly sad, but that's not your responsibility. How does he learn your life takes precedence from this pasuk? Because of the word "Imach." He could have said, "Help your brother so they will live." "V'chai achicha." But he says, "No, v'chai achicha imach." So that your brother will live with you. If you are going to self-destruct, if you're not going to be there with them after you've helped them, that's that you do not need to help them. Help your brother so they will live together with you, but not at the expense of you. Okay? That's what Rabbi Akiva said. So, we're faced with two opinions, which one are we going to follow? So, intuitively, every time I teach this year, even to, you know, students who have less background, everyone always says, "Rabbi Akiva. We have to follow Rabbi Akiva. Why would we follow Rabbi Akiva? Because you're going to say, "Well, you know, I've heard of Rabbi Akiva. I've never heard of this other guy." We'll talk about that in [laughter] a minute. Okay, that's not a very halachic answer. You could give the answer, "Well, isn't there a halachic cloud that when Rabbi Akiva disagrees with one other person, we always pass him like Rabbi Akiva?" Yes, there is, almost always. Okay, good. We could apply that and get to Rabbi Akiva. Or you could turn around and say, "Well, Rabbi Akiva does something that the other Tanna doesn't do." What does he do? He brings a possuk. He brings a possuk. Okay, that's great. So, he has a proof. On the other hand, Ben Petura, it says Darash Ben Petura. He's getting it from somewhere. Where is Ben Petura getting it from? So, probably the the best bet for where Ben Petura is coming from is Veahavta Lereacha Kamocha, meaning if you are trying to treat other people as you'd want to be treated. And don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you. So, if you were the person without the water, begging the other one to share it, you'd be begging them, "Please share the water. Give me a chance. Give me a chance." So, if you don't If you're the one with the water, so how can you not treat them as you would want to be treated? You you share the water. And you, you know, pray. And by the way, it's very interesting in in some systems, even with We had a shiur on the Ethiopian halachic system a long time ago, if you remember, when we were talking about sighets, and the Ethiopians, not on this particular issue, but their tradition, they didn't have this idea of chaile bahem. They would not break Shabbat even to save life. Now, obviously, the Ethiopian community changed when they came to Israel and all agreed that they should change. But because they said, "Look, you don't get to decide when you die, usually, most people. And and we, you know, hope to live a long and fulfilled life, but HaKadosh Baruch Hu decides it. Maybe this is the time to share it. And if it's the end, it's the end." As you can't control everything. Ben Petura is coming from there. Now, the problem is, who is Ben Petura? Again, Rabbi Akiva is probably the most famous Tanna in the whole, you know, you know, Torah, in the whole Mishnah and and the Talmud. But, uh Ben Petura, no one's ever heard of him. This is the only place that he appears in the whole of Shas. And one theory is that Ben Petura is a nickname. Sometimes when a Tanna appears just once or an an opinion, they get the nickname for the thing that they say. They only said this in the whole of the liturgy, in the whole of the literature, uh rather, and uh he All he said was dai. That's the only he said was dai. What is dai? Petura. Okay, lifter. Ben Petura, he's he's Rabbi Death, because all he ever adds to Judaism is dai. Okay, that's one that's one thing. There's another theory that he is someone uh called Rabbi Yehuda ben Petiri, who appears in a couple of other places and seems to say uh similar kind of things. I'm not getting into all of the weeds on that. There is a slightly, you know, out there opinion, which was doing the rounds around 25 years ago, that it could be that Ben Petura actually is representing an early Christian um position on this. Uh which is that uh you know, man hath no greater love for his fellow than he lay down his life for his friend, which as you will know is not from our uh uh Chumash or our Tanakh, but it is a quote from uh the Gospel of John. And the idea that maybe Ben Petura is Ben Pantera or Pandera, and once you start giving Pandera, so everyone knows Yoshke Pandera, what's going on with that, that's maybe a reference to uh Christianity and even to Jesus. Now, there's a very interesting debate between Rav Medan, Rav Yaakov Medan, and another This was put uh forth in an article in uh the the Alon, in the magazine of the Har Etzion, in the year 2000. I've got the version at home, and uh this was put forward by someone called Shmuel Yanai. I don't know if it's the Professor Shmuel Yanai from Haifa, but what a Shmuel Yanai and Rav Medan hits back with great ferocity and says there's no way that this guy is Jesus appearing in the Talmud giving this particular sheet and he proves it why it is etc. But that's that's an interesting idea. There's also the idea of P'tura and Petros. And Petros is Peter and there's there's there's there's a lot to be discussed there. But let's assume that that's a little bit you know off the radar. Ben P'tura is someone we don't know very much about. So how are we going to pass this? So have a look first of all at this passing that we just quoted number seven. Al tikah meito neshech. Don't take interest from people when you loan them money v'tarbit and different kinds of interest. V'yareta me'elokecha you have to fear God. V'chai achicha imach. That's where the possuk comes from so your brother will live with you. This possuk is talking about lending money on interest. So here we look in slightly broader terms at this gemara we quoted of the two people walking on the desert in the desert. Where does that come from? Well, that's in Bava Metzia. It's in Aizer Neshech. It's about interest. So how does that appear? So look at the the the the sugi just before it. It's all part of the same discussion. Look at number eight. So these are the lines just before the story of the two people in the desert. Amar Rebbe Elazar Amar Rebbe Elazar ribit k'tzutza yotzei'in b'dayanim. This is talking about a technical question in hilchos ribit. If you lend interest in a way which is interest there are writer, it's fixed interest and the person has paid you interest in breach of the halacha. Can they get that money back in the beis din? Meaning they take you to the beis din and say not only did this person breach the Torah and charge me interest and I paid it, but I want that money back. I want restitution of the money that I paid. So he says yes, you can get it back. You can yotzei'in b'dayanim. You can go to court and get the interest back. Rebbe Yochanan Amar Rebbe Yochanan says no, a feel rubit nami the day on him. For technical reasons, no, once you've paid, he shouldn't have charged you, but you're not able to get it back in the base then. Okay, we're not getting into the detail discussion. So Amar Rebbe Nachman and Rebbe Yitzchak, my time of the Rebbe Elazar, why does Rebbe Elazar hold that you can get money back in the base then, fixed interest back? The Amar the pasuk ends v'chei achicha imach. What how is he learning those words? Meaning don't charge other people interest, and even more, if you did charge people interest, make sure that your brother is able to live with you, i.e. give him the money back. Give him the money back. And therefore the Gemara learns that Rebbe Elazar understands achadele, restore, return the money to him, ki he said that he will be able to live. That's what he's learning from. Rebbe Yochanan and Rebbe Yochanan says no, v'chei achicha imach doesn't have anything to do with interest. Hi, v'chei achicha imach, mai avdei, what does he do with that line? No, it's nothing to do with interest. Ni boy lei, he needs it, kid a tanya, as we learn in the braisa, sh'nayim shehayu mahalchin baderech da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Meaning Rebbe Yochanan is the one that learns v'chei achicha imach to relate to the episode in the desert. Rebbe Elazar says no no no no no, it's got nothing to do with that. It's to do with interest. That pasuk is not free to learn for the issue of two people wandering in the desert. And the assumption here, which is normally the assumption in the Gemara, is you can't use a pasuk for two different things. You can't double dip when it comes to drashos. It either is used for this or it's used for that. Now, you could start breaking it up and say, the Rosh says and like, well, maybe v'chei achicha is used for the ribbis and imach is used for the other one, but the assumption here is, no, you have to either take it for this or take it for that. And I brought you here number nine, Rebbe Rebbe Yerucham Fishel Perlow, Rebbe Yeruchem Fishel Perlow wrote a commentary on Rav Saadya Gaon's Sefer Hamitzvot. Now, Rav Saadya Gaon's Sefer Hamitzvot is about 10 pages long. It's like a poem where Rav Saadya Gaon goes through all the mitzvot. And Rabbi Yeruchem Fishel Perlow's book, commentary on that, is about 1,000 pages long. He basically uses it as a platform to have an entire discussion about the mitzvot and what the mitzvah means. And he says, number nine, "Hu ba'emet, the truth is, ha Rambam, the Smag, the Tur, both the Rambam and the Smag, Sefer Hamitzvot Gadol, and the Tur, lo heve'u hakdama d'Rebbi Akiva." They never quote this din of Rabbi Akiva. Everybody in this room knows because it's in our blood. Yeah, if two guys in the desert, you drink the water. Why? "V'chayecha k'chayecha imach." The Rambam never says that. The Tur never says that. They never bring that drasha of Rabbi Akiva. "U'kvar kashya a kasya k'sasa k'ronim, and I'll suggest why that is." "D'ta'ama ish um d'didan, because we kaima lan k'Rebbi Elazar." We pasken like Rabbi Elazar. "D'Rebbi Elazar k'sasa yosif b'dayana." We pasken like Rabbi Elazar in ribbis, and he used that pasuk for something else. And therefore, he says, "Lo kaima lan k'Rebbi Akiva." Maybe we takka don't pasken like Rabbi Akiva, which is very interesting because then you're back to Ben Petura, which is share it and pray. Because you can't pasken like one and pasken like another. And and nobody really wants to accept that. Like we have to pasken like Rabbi Akiva somehow, and therefore we have to somehow find a way to split this pasuk up and and use it in different ways. Um Rav Moshe Feinstein also says it's not possible we don't pasken like Rabbi Akiva. There has to be a limit. You can't share the water. You have to be able to drink the water. So, look at what Rav Rav Moshe Feinstein says in number 10 and number 11. 10 is the Rambam, and Rav Moshe is going on the Rambam. He number 10. The Rambam paskins mitzvah as I retain zakat la'aniim. There is a positive Torah mitzvah to give money to poor people, to aniim. K'fi ma she'ro'eh la'ani, according to their needs. Okay, that's a whole shidduch in of itself. How do we assess how much they need? But then he says, "Im hayeta yad hanoten maseret." But only if you can afford it. Okay, I mean it's not obvious. If I can't afford it, I But what does that mean if I can afford it? What can I afford? How do I know how much I can afford? If somebody comes to me and says, "Oh, I heard you're a big baal tzedakah. Can you give me $500? It'll change my entire life." And I look into the case and think, "Okay, this guy, $500 going to turn his life around." Of course I should give him $500. Why? Okay, that's real money, but it's not going to be a life-changing thing for me to give away $500 to someone who really needs it. So then I get another call from someone, "Oh, I hear you're giving away $500 cuz I really need $500 as well." And everybody's then jumping on me. They all need $500. At what point do I say, "I'm sorry, I can't afford this anymore." Do I have to wait till I have $499 left in my bank account and then I'll say, "Hey, I'm joining you. I also need $500." >> [laughter] >> Obviously no. I don't have to wait to that point. She would mention your earning a home next year. You should stop watching your videos. Okay, good. But a home is on each occasion. I don't have to give more than a home is for each ask. Okay, so how how big a period? Is it every year? Over a So clearly I can stop giving away $500 to everybody at a certain point and I'll say, "Well, how much do you have in your bank account?" I say, "Well, it's none of your business, but I have $25,000 in my bank account." Okay, so you can afford it. Well, no, because this money is for for my kids' education, my kids' family vacation. And you're going to say, "What? Your family vacation is worth more than turning my entire life around?" To which the answer might be, "Well, yes, I need a vacation." But how do you I mean, it doesn't sound right when you say it that way, but clearly I don't have to wait till I'm under the 500. So, we have to define what that means. So, look at Rav Moshe Feinstein. Rav Moshe Feinstein says this all Number 11. A when it comes to giving stocker, who it's it's not a or it's not a limit. It's it's part of the conditions of the obligation itself. The only when you can afford it never is that applicable. It's not like, "Oh, I've given the amount I have to give." If I can't afford it, I don't have the we just have to work out what is called afforded, not afforded. But who and that is why I've explained that this follows Akiva, the like we absolutely are not following you have to put your life first and we'll define what life means cuz the $500 is not a life and death situation, but we'll see how that works. Of course, you have no obligation to die to help someone else. The law and not to do a various I think I think this that I just quoted that you only have an obligation to give stocker if you can afford it. I think it's an application of Akiva. This is what you said, "Does the rule like Akiva?" Yes, here. Now, it's interesting it was a life-and-death issue. This is not a life-and-death issue, but we'll see where Feinstein is getting this from. It's obvious to me, he says, "This is coming from the the possuk of the achicha imach. It's from that possuk. V'chain b'minyan hamitzvos, now he does something absolutely brilliant that only Rav Moshe Feinstein will be able to pull this out of a hat. He says, "If you look at how the Rambam counts the mitzvos, kasav, he writes, liten stocker k'massas yado. The definition of the mitzvah is to give stocker as much as you have you can afford. Mashma, which sounds to me sh'hu t'nai b'chiyuv, which is not just a limit, but is the very condition of the whole mitzvah. D'lo yesh shiur, it's not just like, "Oh, I've done it, I finished it." Sh'lo shayach l'minkas shiur uh shiur, sorry, b'shem hamitzvah. You wouldn't write in the in the headline for this mitzvah that the the limit is if you can afford it. No, it's not the limit, it's the definition of what the mitzvah is. By the way, where does the Rambam write this? So, I looked it up, there's a thing called Minyan Hamitzvos. If you look in Sefer Hamitzvos, he goes through every all the 613 mitzvos in some detail. And that, which is his introduction to the uh Mishneh Torah, and then the Rambam has something called Minyan Hamitzvos, where he just shorthand records all 613 again. And I thought, "Oh, it must be there." And I looked there, and it wasn't this wording. So, I'm scratching my head, and I'm thinking, "Did Rav Moshe Feinstein have a different girsa in the Rambam?" And then I start looking around girsos, maybe maybe he had I couldn't find anything. And then it dawned on me that the Rambam a third time goes through uh just the headlines before before each chapter in the Mishneh Torah, he gives a little headline of, "These are the mitzvos that you do that I'm going to discuss in this chapter." And it's in that list where he uses the wording that stocker is a mitzvah to give what you can afford. That's the mitzvah. Not to give, to give what you can afford. And he says, "This is based on Rabbi Akiva, and we have to define what that means and how that works, which we're going to do right now." Now, just coming back to Rabbi Akiva, Rabbi Akiva didn't say you have to drink the water. It's quite possible that Rabbi Akiva would agree that there are extreme cases where the person with the water might turn around and say, "You know something, let's say the person with the water is 110 years old, uh, you know, and has 2 weeks to live for whatever reason, and the person who's the other person is a young person with a whole life." He might turn around or she might turn around and say, "You know something, Rabbi Akiva says I can drink the water, but hey sunny, you take the water water, have a good life, and maybe Rabbi Akiva's okay with that. He's just saying that if you drink the water, you don't have to feel guilty, and maybe it'll help with your therapy afterwards when they're trying to help you with the dealing with the issue. You can say, "Well, at least you at least you passing like Rabbi Akiva." Oh, that's okay then, that's fine. But, what the the uh, but the the the psak that brings Rabbi Akiva into this more subtle discussion of not life and death, but what can I afford, is a much less well-known Gemara in the Torah. Look in number 12. Look at this Gemara in the Torah. Mayan shel bnei ha'ir. A city has a water source. Now, let me give you the context here. There's a drought, and nobody has anything to drink, and towns all around the area are in dire straits. Nobody has any water. And then one town finds water. They strike water in a Mayan, they find a spring. And then the town down the road hears hears about it and calls them up and says, "Ooh, you found water. Can you help us? Can you save some of our people?" Well, "If we save some of your people, then that's at the expense of some of our people. We don't have unlimited water." So, what do they do? So, here's the case. Number 12. Mayan shel bnei ha'ir. If a town finds a spring in this situation, chayeihen v'chayei acherim, if it's their lives versus other people's lives, chayeihen kodmin l'chayei acherim. Their lives take precedence over the town down the road. And again, here, clearly that's Rabbi Akiva. The people with the water drink the water, and they may not be allowed to give it away because they're responsible for their people. It's not just them, but they're responsible for their people. Okay, so far so good. Your life versus their life, your life takes precedence. Okay, next case. Behemtam. Your animals. U behemas acherim. The case in scenario number two is each town now has found water to save lives. Oh, baruch Hashem. No one's dying. But the one town has extra water to feed their animals, and the other town has no extra water, their animals will die. Whose animals get saved? If you have water for your animals, do you share it and save other people's animals? Now, this is not life and death, but it's not Animals here are not like pets. It's not like your little dog. It's They need it for food, they need it for machinery. You know, every time the the the the Torah says a shor, an ox, think of a tractor. Every time he says a chamor, a donkey, think of a pickup truck. You know, if I if I give if my animals die, then okay, I'll I'll live this week, but what's going to be for next year? So, who gets the extra water for their animals? Says the Gemara, behemtam kodem lebehemas acherim. Second line number 12. You can give your animals first. Okay, that's interesting, cuz that's when it comes to money, I can prioritize my people, not just life and death. Next, the Gemara says that scenario three, kvisatam v'kvisas acherim. Your laundry versus their laundry. New scenario, scenario three, each town has enough water to live and enough water to give their animals. But now the one of the towns has extra water for personal hygiene. They can wash their clothes. They can take a shower. And the other town says, "Hey, we'd like to wash some of our clothes, and we'd also like to take a shower. Please share it with us." Says the Gemara, if that's the choice they have, um kvisatam kodem kvisas acherim. Their personal hygiene needs take precedence over other people's personal hygiene. Is that okay? So, this is again to sound First of all, a bit repetitive. I get this. And a little bit self-centered, you know? Oh, I always come first. My needs come first. My laundry comes first. My Okay, how does that work? Okay, we'll see. We'll see that the Gamara is actually lulling us into a false sense of security. Don't turn the page yet cuz the kicker's just about to come. Because the Gamara now answers a false asks a false scenario. The end of number 12, he says, "Okay, now what about this case? Chayei acheirim, what about their lives or kvisas tan and your laundry?" Meaning they have no water at all. They're dying. And you have water to drink, water for animals, and water for personal hygiene. What's more important, their life or your personal hygiene? Says the Gamara. What a question. Chayei acheirim kodem l'kvisas tan. Of course, their lives come before your personal hygiene. And then, of course, then you just read ahead and and ask the question. Rebbi Yosi omer, Rebbi Yosi says no. Kvisas tan kodem es l'chayei acheirim. Your laundry comes before their lives. Now, that of course is the line that the Gamara was bringing you into. That's the chiddush. Why? Why would Rebbi Yosi, who we pasken like, by the way, cuz Rebbi Yosi, we almost always pasken like. Why would we say that your personal hygiene needs take precedence over other people's lives? So, let's have a look at the Ran. The Ran on page three, the Ran says as follows. The Ran on the Darom here. Number 40. Rebbi Yosi omer kvisas tan shel osei ha'ir. Rebbi Yosi says that the laundry of that particular town, kodem es l'shtiyas tan, takes precedence over the drinking shel bnei ir acheirim, of the next town down the road. Why? Disvira lei, cuz he holds, svira lei d'Rebbi Yosi, d'keivan d'mineias kvisa, because if you don't have any way to to deal with personal hygiene for the length of time we're talking about, eka tsara tuvah. It's very distressing. And therefore, "Chai nefesh who?" And therefore, that's like your life. Now, of course, it's not actually life and death. Let's say we all did a deal, everyone sitting in this room. We're not going to do any washing, we're not going to do any laundry, we're not going to have any showers for 3 months. We're just going to wear exactly what we wear right now. Okay? And what we're going to do is all the money that we normally pay put into detergent and water and running the washing machine, we're going to pool all that money and we're going to give it and we're going to save lives. And we could do that. I mean, we really could save lives, many, many lives. Okay, we'll be very uncomfortable after a few days, after a week or two, we'll be very smelly, we'll probably end up with body lice, but you know something? You can get deloused, you can get cleaned up. It It's going to be very uncomfortable. We're going to save lives here. Like, how can you even not want to do that? The answer is nobody in this room is going to do that. And neither am I. Okay? >> [laughter] >> Because it's Why? Why not? Oh, well, what's more important, like personal hygiene or lives? No, says the Rabbi Yossi, this is not just an inconvenience. This is tzara tuvah. You've crossed a line. You crossed a line where No, I can't do this. This is This This will make me in some way, we'll see the language soon, poor in a real way. It's not going to cost me more life, but it's a line that I'm not prepared to cross. Let's give another example. Let's say that my wife, you know, is washing the clothes and I say to her, "You know, sweetheart, I feel a bit guilty. We run the washing machine, you know, let's sell the washing machine. Let's save all the money that we use on washing machine and and maybe you could do the washing wash the clothes down in the creek like your great-grandmother used to do. You know, go down, there's a there's a Mayan, take take a bag, do the clothes there and what You know, we we don't need a washing machine. We could save lives with the money we spend on that." My wife is going to look at me. She's going to say, "You You You learn this Torah and you've got no sense in your head." She goes, she's going to say, "Yeah, you're going to you do the washing." She's going to say. She's [laughter] going to say to me, "I I need a washing machine." And so the answer is, "Well, my grandmother didn't have a washing machine. She washed and she had a mangle." Not a mangal like a barbecue, but a mangle. >> [laughter] >> You know? She she, you know, I remember as a kid, "Get don't put your hand in there." I was very like and she managed. So she's going to say to me this, "For your grandmother, a washing machine was a luxury. For me, a washing machine is a necessity. It's not a luxury." So, how are we going to draw that line? How are we going to talk about what is called Sarah Tova even though their need is objectively greater than yours? They're dying and you're having showers, but that's a line you don't have to cross. It's not because of nefesh. You're not going to die from getting body lice. It's going to be Ah, good. Okay, [laughter] good. Good, good, good, good. Because of nefesh is something that sets aside Shabbat sets aside other things, but it doesn't mean but you But but it doesn't set aside everything. And here we're trying to work out what that line is. So, let's have a look at the the on the Shulchan Aruch. Number 14, you can read in your own time a little bit. I brought you a piece from what's called the Safer Yad Haketana, which is which is a very interesting parish, which is less known parish of Dov Berish Gottlieb on the Mishnah Torah. And he also puts in there when he goes through the mitzvah of Ahavat Yisrael and mitzvah to love other people, he also, if you could maybe just go to Well, let's just read the first five lines and get a feel for it and you'll see the line that I'm looking for. Mitzvah kol Adam la el des kol echad echad miYisrael begufo, you have to love every other Jew like yourself. She nemavi havtalah kamocha. Defik sak lesaber beshvacho, you have to speak nicely about other people. Veloch sam money be worried about their possessions. Okasha chasal money atzmo just like you're worried about your own possessions. for yourself and you want people to give you respect. They are you love and you and you will care for your friend. It's like you love and you care for yourself. He's quoting the Rambam in his book and whatever he's trying to do in life you are happy. You are happy what you want him to get what he wants. You are made and you are sad when he is sad. You are always speaking nicely to people. They are covered in a respectful and nice way. However, and here's the key answer in the middle of the fifth line. Call shall the mitzvah your obligation of this mitzvah who is not your gear ball music. Love this is only if you don't suffer music to do that. Okay, damage to do that. We place because of the love or you don't have to lose your job for helping other people. They are because you are helping other people with there's and then he brings up from Akiva. So clearly this is a limitation within the the mitzvah of and and how are we going to draw that line? What's called music? People it's always going to cause some inconvenience to do or do I really have to go to this you know Shiva house I've got things planned for tonight. I've got I'm going to miss out. Yes, it's always going to cost something. There's always going to be a cost in doing this. You have to not do that so you can do that. Where is the line going to be? Well, this is not just a cost this is music. So have a look at this here in number 15 and we'll see the says the tomorrow is follows. There's a mission in are they if you have a choice between bringing back your lost property or the lost property of your father are they yours comes takes priority. Are they does that rabbi? What about your lost property and your rabbis lost property? Shall I pay them also yours comes takes property takes precedence. Says the Gamara. Me not honey milli, where do we learn this from? I'm a rabbi I'm a crowd. FS killer year of remember that they will not be any poor people. They're not reading it like that. They're reading it there's enough poor people already. We see that in the second person. There's enough poor people don't make more poor people. Don't make yourself into a poor person. That's how the Gamara is reading it. FS killer year of young shall call them the shell call Adam. Yours comes first. Yes. What happens if you have only that money for either your parents or your children who learning Torah? Oh, that's a very good question. I'm not getting into the weeds of that question. Depends on how what the needs are of your parents. What is he poor or do they want to go on holiday or do they need it in order to pay for their you know, living expenses otherwise they won't live. What kind of Torah is your child learning? Have they been learning Torah for 15 years and they're not that good at it anyway and you're probably better off putting [laughter] putting putting the money into your parents. Are they are you you know, bringing the next God will have Torah into the world. It's very case specific very very case specific. Not everybody that's learning Torah should be learning Torah and plenty people who are not learning Torah should be learning Torah. So I'm not getting into that right now. But let's have a look. Shall I go to the shell color that I'm already I'm a rab. Call hammer kind of but if you behave this way I come first. Which you're allowed to because you don't make yourself poor. Save by the car then you'll end up like that. Like what? So Rashi says I thought he shall I he kill a lot of casa even though the person doesn't say you have to. You can say I come first. You have to push yourself. Beyond the letter of the law. The law would adapt it and not be too careful to say Shelley code them. Oh, I come first. It's you know, I'm not allowed to make myself poor. Unless it's like a real loss. You have to decide is it a real loss? The entire because if you're always so careful to put yourself first, you'll never do any for anyone. You'll never give any stuff for anyone. Oh, I need this money. I want to buy myself a coffee. You know? I like my coffee. Why would I give this to stuff? You'll never do anything. Point my love of associates directly with as a punishment you'll end up a stock a case yourself. Because if that's how you behave you'll end up needing other people. And then past tense this let's just look in the three lines in number 16. He says me someone who loses lost property or does by latest they find it together with their friends lost property. Let's put a scenario on this. You go on vacation and the airline loses all your luggage. Okay? You come back no luggage and then a week later the airline calls you and say we found all your luggage and your friends and your family that you went on vacation with. It's all at the airport come and pick it up. Great. You drive to the airport, you park the car, you walk into the airport and instead of being locked up in some secure area, they've just left it in the middle of the concourse. And now you have a halachic and ethical dilemma. Whose case do I take back to the car first? There's just you there. Do I take my case? Do I take my friend's case? Do I take my dad's case? Do I take my rabbi's case? Bit strange you went on holiday with your rabbi but okay. [laughter] Let's let's let's let's leave that aside, okay? Which I can only take one. Which do I take? What am I going to prioritize? He says if you come across your lost property with other people's If you if you can carry everything back, okay, so you have to carry everything back. But if you to choose, you have to share it you can take yours back. Because your lost property takes precedence even over your father, even over your rabbi. Could the Sheena as we bring in the FS law he doesn't always bring in interestingly, but he says this means don't make yourself poor. Then then he says nevertheless you should push yourself beyond the strict letter of the law. The law don't be too quick to say Shelley I come first. Unless it's clearly a major loss. Because if you're always so careful to put yourself first, you'll never do any because you'll always put yourself first. So that's exactly what we saw. So what's going on here? Yeah, okay as well therefore you have to always go past stomach you possibly can. It's funny my granddaughter came home from gambling the other day seeing the Akiva you know that cloud got all the Torah Shelley Shelley shall have Shelley shall have a Shelley shall have all that she was singing the song dancing around the room and then her little sister you know wanted something she said no that's mine. Okay, and my wife spotted an educational moment and she said it's my grand she's only five. She said to her like you know what happened to Shelley shall have a Shelley shall have a Shelley shall have you you just sang the song for 20 minutes and she like like you know I don't actually keep this stuff we just sing it in you know we just sing it in this is real this is real. So it's very interesting. So what's going on here is that yes I'm allowed to put myself first but only when it's a real line like the things I suggested you don't have to get body lice in order to save lives. You don't have to sell the washing machine when you've got a family you need to wash clothes because your grandmother did without it. It's clear to me that in the case of the student that called me and said to me, you know, I'm being dragged into clinical depression because of this relationship, there's no question in my mind that that is called the tsara tuva. That is a serious line. That is a line beyond which you do not and maybe you should not go even if the other person's need is objectively greater because that is making you really poor. Not financially poor necessarily, but emotionally, psychologically poor. That's a line. What about me and my little boy with the the homework? So that's a good call. On the one hand, if I get up from what I'm doing and my my little kid sees me and going to the door and speaking to people and giving stuff, that's great role modeling. You know, Mom, my dad's you know, give stuck her it's a big mix for he prioritizes it. That's lovely. >> [clears throat] >> There's going to come a point in this, he was then five, he's now 30, there there's going to come a point in this five-year-old's mind which he's not able to even articulate when he starts to have that kind of rabbi's children syndrome, which is that my parents have some kind of Messiah complex, they're there for every single person in the world except for me, except for me. Now when I sense that it's reaching that point, I think that's a line. I think that's a line I am not required and maybe should not impoverish [clears throat] in this way, put into my kids' mind this feeling just because I want to help someone whose need is objectively greater, but it's it's a it's a judgment call. If you think about this, we do this all the time. Let me give you a very stark example. Let's say somebody is sick and they go to the hospital and the hospital say, well, we'd love to be able to treat them and we know how to treat them, but we just don't have enough money. We've run out of budget and we we only have two machines and they're both being used and and I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do. That happens. That really does happen. You know, even with the best insurance in the world, that happens. And you leave the hospital and you think, "Okay, it's terrible. It's a tragedy, but okay, money is finite. They only have so much money." Correct. But then you walk across the road and they're planting flowers on the roundabout in the traffic circle across the road. And you run back into the hospital and say, "Well, I thought you said that the the city has no more money. They have no more money for machines and therefore my friend's not going to make it, but they've got money to plant flowers." What's more important, flowers or lives? Why are they planting flowers when they could be saving lives? So, what's the answer? Should they not plant any flowers? Should they sell, let's say the city of New York, should sell Central Park? Get rid of it. Sell it to property developers. Sell it to Donald Trump. And he'll fill the whole of Central And you know, and we're going to give that money, we're going to put that money into medical research. Let's say he says, "Every penny I make I'm going to put into medical research." So, what's more important? Medical Think of how many lives you're going to save. But we'll have no green spaces. That's a poverty. That's a line. Even if the the if the city was being run by Tamir Haham along the lines of the Shulchan Aruch, which may be a scary prospect depending on your depending [laughter] depending on your position on these things, they still wouldn't say, "Well, we sell all the green spaces and make, you know, put the money into" because people need trees. People need That's a poverty of society and therefore it's a difficult line to be able to cross and therefore we have to think to ourselves, I think, lema'aseh the following. Everybody's born selfish. That's how we all came out. Little M E. We we cry, we scream, we don't care about anybody else's needs, sleep patterns. We just just me, me, me. As you get older, they say to people, "No, it's not just about you. You have to love your neighbor as yourself. You have to also put other people first, etc." But then there's the big M E, which is actually I'm not being selfish. I need to put myself first. I need to self-focus because I'm crossing a line. that's legit. As long as you're constantly asking, not constantly, but you're asking, am I just being selfish? Cuz we do drop back into that. Or is this like I thought this through and like I come first. Like, you know, when you're traveling with a kid on the plane and they say if the mask come down, then you put your mask on first and then the kids mask. Oh, what about the kid freaking out saying, why are you doing this for yourself? What about me? What about my chopped liver? So, [snorts] no, you need to put yourself first in order to help other people. No, you're not being selfish in that situation. So, there are many scenarios in life where we're not being selfish and there are others when we are. And what the Halakha is telling us at the end of the day is just think about it. That's all. If it's a line that makes you poor, you don't have to cross that line. If it's not, maybe you do. I don't know. Depends. And therefore, it's going to leave it Every single person in this room has a different, uh, you know, analysis of that and therefore, you have to think about that and plug that in. So, we'll leave that there. Thank you so much. And, uh, we'll see you I'll see you, please God, in 3 weeks from today.