Eps 15. Prepared, Not Protected: The Balance of Parenting

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzzle, not as a shear, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little tower light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy, and connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome back to the good vibes podcast. So today we're going to discuss and states. So this translates to she makes cloth and she sells it and she offers a girdle to the merchant or the kanani or the young one. It depends on how it's translated and we're going to dive into that. So when I approached this puzz I noticed that we have this word kagore or girded again and for those of you who have been following our podcast know that this unique word was also found in puzzles. We touched on it at the time and then when it came up again in this puzz I was really interested in why this p this word is being brought up again and what it means. So I really wanted to explore it. I started looking into where else this word was used, when it's used, and the context that it was in. And we know that when there's a word that we don't understand, if we look back to the first place and previous places that it was found in Tanakh, we can understand more of a context of what it means. So, when I was doing research into this word, this gimmal root word, I found that it really was indicating a couple different definitions, and I want to focus on the one that best applies to our Puk. So I want to share with you someim don't get too scared only three sukim that have this word khagar and how it relates to our context. So the first puzz I want to bring forth is in Chimamos and it's talking about when Ben Israel were commanded and how they were commanded to eat the carbon pes and it saysoim which is talking about the way that you're going to eat the carbon pes and is with your belt fastened girded girded tightly and this symbolizes readiness or urgency and that they're leaving mitz immediately. It's get ready, get prepared, buckle up tight. Almost like that phrase, you have to get ready and you're going to leave mitz with urgency. Then the next puck that I want to share is inel it is talking about how each man each soldier girded his sword when David was preparing them for battle for war. So it says each man gerted his sword literally talking about actual war that they got ready to get ready for war and they buckled up their swords girded their swords and the next one also is in talking about how David tries on Sha's armor and sword and it says David and again David is putting on his armor and putting a shell's armor and putting on his sword and these three examples show us how the word is used when we're preparing preparing for battle, preparing for a challenge, prepare preparing for mis preparing for whatever comes our way. We see this lion of of buckle of belt of that we gird our loins, we buckle up and we prepare ourselves for whatever life may bring. And to me when I was researching this and I saw this version this translation of the word I felt like it's so applicable to nasy and that is what the is doing as well. The word shows preparation, right? Like we showed and and is job is giving over the tools, the skills, the mindset, the readiness to our household, to our children. We want to pass over this buckle, this girding of preparing for life, preparing practically the things that we want our children to know, practical tools that we want them to know in our lives and the mindset, the mentality, the readiness of facing every day. So the puzz talks about the is giving a kagore like we said a belt to the kanani. She offers a girdle. This is this use of kagor to the kanani. The kanani in this case is translated as a merchant. Some of our say a younger one. It pretty much means to a recipient. She is giving over this girdle, this belt to a recipient. And this shows us that she's offering up a girdle. She's offering up a belt. is offering up this tools of preparations of readiness. Part of her job is helping her recipient, whoever that may be, whether it's her household, whether it's the community, she's helping that recipient be prepared. She's helping them, giving them the tools, giving them the buckle, the kagore, the kagura to be prepared for whatever it is that life may bring. Now if we apply what we just saw in the other pokim to here, she offers a belt, preparations, readiness. She offers tools to face the world. She offers a belt. And something that I find interesting is the way that you say a safety belt in Hebrew is which means a belt of securing. She is offering that is part of her role. Part of the Asia Kyle's job is to give over tools to give over the provisions, the morals, and the practical skills. Why? because she needs to gird her children to be able to face each day, to live each day to the fullest, to conquer the challenges that come their way, the big ones and the small ones. We want to be able to brace our children with whatever it is that they need in order to thrive, not just survive in life, but to thrive. And of course, that's a super wide array of different things that we want to entrust in them. And the part of our job, what this puck is teaching us is that we need to pass over. We need to gird our children with these tools, the strength, the ability and capability to live life to the fullest. So I want to explore what this means on a deeper level, on a more practical level. How do we do this? What is it that we need to be aware of? What is it that we that's the most important thing to be aware of? And how do we really make sure that we're going to succeed in this job of giving over these tools? What tools are we even talking about? What tools are the important tools and how do we make sure that we do a good job at giving it over to our children. So today I invited Mrs. Kyla Rose on the podcast. Kyla Rose is a three principles coach who helps moms, as you can tell she's British, moms slow down, be present, and truly enjoy their lives, not just get through them. Through her one-on-one coaching and her signature program, Present Parenting, she supported hundreds of moms in creating more common clarity in their everyday lives. Kyla is also the creator of programs like playful productivity and idea to action, helping women take real, practical steps toward the ideas they've been quietly thinking about whilst loading the dishwasher. So, thank you so much, Kyla, for being on. We are so excited to hear from you and welcome. >> Thank you. I'm so so honored to be here and I'm so excited. Yay. >> Thank you. Me as well. >> So, with your knowledge and your expertise and just what you're bringing to the table, can you share with us what you think of this pock and how it hints or directs us to this idea of handing over these tools to our children to gird them for the world? >> Yes. Thank you so much. So, I loved what you were saying. You speak so eloquently and so beautifully and I get a little bit obsessed with good voices. Thank you. >> Yeah, that should be noted. So, it's very funny because when you sent me the idea for this episode, I had to laugh because the term girded was a term that I really got obsessed by when I was growing up cuz I didn't know what it meant. And there's always these things that you don't really understand what they mean. So, then they stay with you for years. It's the best thing. Like, when you don't understand something, brilliant. Now, you're going to be good at that for life. So, >> that's funny. >> I love that word. I like it was something I used to clear around with in my mouth. But you're right, it's all about preparation and readiness and like style, right? It's let's do this. What's a gartle? At the end of the day, it's like some readiness and preparation to go do service of Hashem. So, as you were talking, I wrote down, you know, bits and pieces that really related to all the different things that you were saying, and it really sparked my mind like the things that you're talking about seem to be really big and really huge and how are we going to tackle this and oh, maybe we'll switch to another podcast now. But actually, they're really, really practical and really not such a big deal when you understand what your job is and what your job isn't as a mother. So, I'll start with a story like literally something that happened tonight at bedtime. So, my son is is he 10 or is he 11? I wish I knew. I think he's about to be 11. That's why I'm getting confused. Okay. He's about to be 11, right? And I remember his name, don't worry. And his class are collecting the wood this year to for the madura for the bonfire for Lagma. And he said to us, "We're not going to a local one." Cuz he goes to a school outside the area. He's coming to mind because our class is doing the whole one for the school. And yeah, yeah, we're going. We're fine. And so every day from Pesak, the boys in Israel, they go and they collect the word and they collect the word and they collect the word. There's always stories and you know, life revolves around yamim and Jewish events. So he was telling me the antics that they up to and they do some really good outdoorsy boyish fun stuff, right? For example, my oldest son, this one hasn't done it, but my oldest son used to tell me they used to make I think they're called kapuchkas or kaput, I can't remember. Kapkas or something like that where I don't know what it is. It's maybe better for us not to know. They make some sort of fire in the ground. They take he would take, you know, a 10-year-old kid or 11-y old kid taking potatoes from your kitchen drawer, wrapping them up in silver foil, and somehow cooking them and eating them. I don't know. >> Oh my gosh. So he's telling me about what they did today, my son, and he's telling me that there's loads of dead trees in the forest. It's right in our forest where they collect the wood. He says, "Loads of dead trees." And so you can't take the tree cuz it's too heavy. He said, "So we just break off pieces off the tree." I was like, "How'd you do that?" He we jump on it. So I was like, "What? What are you doing?" I said, "Don't doesn't anyone get hurt?" So he goes, "Mommy, we get scratched. We don't get hurt." exactly what I'm talking about. >> It's beautiful >> because the kids sometimes get it more than the adults sometimes and they really get it that it's not such a big deal. Now there's this amazing book called the coddling of the American mind and it's two I think they were professors two researchers something academics and they went and researched the phenomena of American college campuses that have this phenomena where when somebody comes to speak on the campus that is of the opposing political view it's not just that they would demonstrate against them which has always happened. It's that they will say things like, "I'm in danger." And they'll actually talk about words as we see in our current climate as an actual threat. And the level of danger that they see is so strange and so out of proportion that they went in and researched why this happened. And they what they did was is that they saw how America I mean they're focusing on America but obviously this is all around the world >> have the way that we bring up our kids nowadays is we cuddle them. We protect them. We don't allow them to live in life and breathe and experience and fail and make mistakes and yes hurt themselves. >> Do you know how important it is for kids to hurt themselves? Like my son, now that he told me this story, I remember that yesterday he was showing me like scrapes all over his arm, all over his hand, all over his leg proudly. He wasn't looking for sympathy. I'm telling you, it was a very interesting experience. And so the question is how you get there, right? If that's sort of the destination for kids to really and what is that for kids to really see that and experience their own resilience for them for kids to really see that I can experiment I can do things I can fail I can learn I can grow I can be trusted by the way and obviously with caution with the right amount of trust you have to know your kid you have to know what they're capable of you have to know what they're not capable of you have to know when you're ready to push them to the next level whatever that means But how and I think it really starts in the mind of the mom. So one of the metaphors that I love talking about I didn't make up this metaphor is about a diamond. I love a diamond. We all love diamonds. >> I know who doesn't. >> So So next time you see somebody dripping in diamonds, go and have a look at the diamonds. Like like just stare unabashedly. Embrace your inner child and just look at them. Diamonds are unbelievable. And if you think about what a diamond is, like why? Why? I mean, literally, I once had a neighbor who came and stayed next to me. We had an Airbnb and she was wearing this gorgeous I never saw on a person in real life. I live in Israel. Such a gorgeous diamond necklace. And I did I stared unabashedly and then I looked away and then I looked back again that there's something flawless and beautiful and exquisite and just untouchable, unbreakable, just something divine, for lack of a better word. And we have these things and yeah, they're expensive and yeah, we might have them or not have them, whatever it is, but they're there in the world to direct us to something deeper. >> Now, imagine each person, what they really are is a diamond, and that diamond gets covered over by a layer of mud. Now, I use the word mud because, and I did change this metaphor slightly, I use mud in this metaphor because mud to me, yeah, it's dirty. Yeah, it's black. Yeah, it's dark. Yeah, we don't want it all over our houses or under our kids' nails, but um it's a place of growth. It's not it's not it's not repelling. It's not something bad. It has its place. It's necessary. And in within the mud that surrounds the diamond, that's the story of our lives, right? We don't relate to our stories as as bad or negative or like we shouldn't have them. We all have stories, but they're covering over the essential, pure, untouchable, unbreakable diamond that's beneath it. And to wrap up this metaphor, a covering over the layer of mud, we have this nice pretty layer of nail polish. >> And that's the face we show the world. That's the My friend once told me this. She's at least by the front door, I should be tidy. >> It's funny. >> That's the nail polish, right? Yeah. Yeah, it was very it was a tip I needed. And again, it's just part of life. I'm not looking at it as negative or bad or anything like that. It's just it's not the I'm just pointing out the fact that it's a covering. It's a facade. It's a layer. It's something that's not the real thing. And when you see people and sometimes all you're interfacing is with a nail polish, remind yourself there is a diamond underneath there. And when your kid is acting out and all you're seeing is the very muddy story and the story or they're putting on a gorgeous face, but you know underneath they're crumbling like there's a story underneath that but within with beneath everything right there's the diamond. And when the mother's panicking and worrying and like really, you know, noticing a problem and taking it very far in her mind, what she's doing is she's forgetting that just like she's a diamond, just like she sees the diamonds around her, this kid, even as they're struggling, is a diamond. And what that means is that they are untouchable, unbreakable, flawless, and that they will find their way forward within their story. They have it there. But if you want to do what you can do in your domain, you can't do everything, but what's within your domain is to see the diamond. You think that's hard to for a kid that you love, that kid that you've birthed, you've brought them into this world. Of course, you can find that diamond. Even when they are acting who knows how and who knows what and for how long, if you sit down and think about it, you will find their diamond. >> Right. It's beautiful. >> And it's going to look different for every person and for every kid like how that translates. >> Right. Of course. That's beautiful. I'm thinking about this now and I'm trying to h when we see the diamond of our child, how do we then, you know, like we're talking about in the puzzle, pass over to our to this diamond wherever state or stage they may be in these tools, these practical these mindset tools of and socially and emotionally and mentally. How do we pass this over? Okay. So, stage one, what I just described is really knowing how big they are, even when they're showing up as small. Okay? Even that when they're showing up as helpless, even when they're showing up as incapable, whatever it is that's showing up that's in the story that's covering over the diamond, it's just knowing that the diamond's there, but deeply >> because that's going to change what comes out of your mouth and in your actions and in the way that you relate to this kid for stage two, right? And so what's stage two? Stage two is what you actually then end up saying or doing to the child, right? So it would be things like this. Okay, I'll tell you another story. Again, happened today. So, you know, we at the time of this recording have just got back to school after two or three months out of school in Israel. And one of my little girls, she's loves being at home. She loves having friends in our house rather than going to their house. And ever since she's even been to gun, like it's always been a no, I don't want to go to gun. I want to stay at home. No, I don't want to go to school. I want to stay at home. So, you know, she's coming back to school and she's and once we get into it, she's okay. But she'd much rather be at home. She'd rather spend the whole days at home. So, tonight, you know, I was slightly concerned. And it's I'm just using this as a case study of what you do when you see a concern. You see something that needs attention, but you don't spiral into worry and what that does in terms of the action. So, what was the action that I took? I just started talking to her at bedtime. I put her to bed and then I said, "Let's chat a bit about school." So we chatted about school and I wanted to probe a little bit about what's going on with her friends and socially and she told me about oh long story what happened in in break time and what they were playing with and this and that and the other and fine and at no point did I allow myself to descend into worry because it's a dissension. It's like you feel your spirit sinking. If I feel my spirit sinking, I will not talk to her. I will wait. I'll wait for it to pass. And if it doesn't pass, I will literally end the conversation, talk about something else because that's not going to produce anything helpful from my end. And that's what we have to be very aware of. When literally last year, Robertson spent I go I go by Robertson Spa and I did not attend this class, but I read the notes of someone who did and she gave a class an alumni class all about anxiety. It was about around 10 sessions on anxiety and from I read about seven or eight of these classes until I got bored because all the classes were about in different ways in different shapes and forms but all the classes were about how the mother's anxiety is what actually makes the problem within the child's anxiety cuz kids get anxious and then get over it. But when the mother's anxiety about the kid's anxiety manifests, that's what creates the actual problems. And she was showing us over and over again, this situation, not a problem. That situation, not a problem. And she was talking about real phobias, real fears, real whatever. But it's like when you treat it as a problem, it creates a much bigger problem. So people ask me all the time in my classes, they say, "So how do we give this over?" Like all the stuff I'm teaching, right? How do we give this over? How do we get this over? And I'm like, you can give it over. If the words come and the situation presents itself and you have the words, fine. But you know what? Ultimately, what I've seen and experience is the best way to give this over is to live it. And we know that it's not new. Live this way. Be this way. Manif like the only person's head you'll ever really be able to have much impact over is your own. So you see the diamond. You see when your anxiety is simply out of alignment with the truth. It's just anxiety. It's just fear. Fear is nothing to do with the truth. It's just a feeling. And I'll tell you one more thing which really brought this home to me. So in this book that I was telling you about before this, it's called the coddling of the American mind. They quoted another book called I think it was the black swan and they quote this amazing lineup of how you see the human mind. And what they said was is that we have a concept of fragile, right? So you take a cup, you drop it on the floor, it breaks. That's called fragile. You take a plastic cup, you drop it on the floor and it just bounces off because it's resilient, right? So we have fragile, we have resilient. Then we have a third concept and that's called antifragile. That's the type of thing that if you take it and you just leave it alone, it's going to fail. It's going to atrophy and die. Okay? So, I'll give you some examples. You take a spring, you do nothing to it, nothing happens. You take a spring and you push it down, you stress it, it's going to bounce up, right? We know that if you have a broken arm or broken leg or whatever it is and it stops being used, the muscles atrophy and stop working, we have to then rehabilitate them and get them working again because they haven't been used. They haven't been stressed. They haven't been pressured. They haven't been worked on. Right? And my final example, which I just came up with now, is sourdough. You don't feed it, it dies. So feed your children. No, that wasn't the takeaway. So when we look at like life, right, and we look at our full busy lives and we look at it as oh so much to do, right? True. So much to do. There is like full stop. No one listening to this who doesn't agree with that. And when you look at that as wow like this is necessary because we as people are anti-fragile if we're treated with fragility if we're just like put nicely you know wrap them up like a Victorian doll. We will not thrive. Literally this week I was in a I go to a weekly amuna class on zoom on Monday mornings with Leia Aroni and she was talking about she was quoting the basi saying that it's actually not good because he was talking about in the context of and he said it's not good for a person to not work like work is there so we should be occupied and industrious people it's good for us you know he sounds like a modernday podcast right it's good for us And kids too. When kids go through life and they have a social situation that doesn't work out and they have a test that they didn't get a good mark on and they have this problem and that problem and then our hearts are good hearts and we're coming from such a good place. We just get so overwhelmed by our kids' problems whether they're small, whether they're big, no difference. When we get emotionally invested in to the extent that it's overwhelming us and overcoming us, then we forget the fact that no, they need this. This is pushing down on their spring so that they'll jump up. And correct me if I'm wrong, but what you're saying is that they're they feel when we look at them as a diamond and they feel our anxiety and we pass over these this belt through our actions. Even before our actions, we pass on this belt by the feeling that we inhabit during our lives. They are such good sense as children. They sense what we can't hide it. It's we don't even need to say a word. We don't need to give them a look. They sense where we're holding. And it's amazing. It encourages us to become bigger people. So from a practical perspective, do you have tips or tools of how we practically pass over some of this information giving over tools for life? This resilience of course resilience like you were saying it's it kind of reminds me of how be like the good enough parent and I believe it's a book that to be a good parent is being attentive 40 to 60% of the time. Not 100 because then you cuddle them like you were mentioning. But aside from resilience is teaching them practical skills or do you say are you saying that just comes with time? >> Firstly, I can see it's an American book probably because it's 40 to 60% of the time. Still a lot. >> That's funny. >> But yeah, it does play into many different things in the way that we would, you know, treat them. Okay, so I'll give you some of my examples, but that there's, you know, unlimited examples like this, but these are just a few. So one of the examples is sort of the way that we run our homes and the way that we maybe incorporate our children in the running of our homes. So I remember >> thinking as a teenager like why don't our schools teach us like how to run homes and then I realized well they can't because a home can teach you how to run a home but a school can teach you how to do school. It's the wrong context. And I believe that one of the reasons why we so much uninvolve our kids from being involved in running the home is because we're so scared of them. We're so scared of like imposing on them. Of course, you have to do it with sel and do it with balance and test things out and treat your kids well, but my belief, my personal belief is part of treating kids well is incorporating them in the running of the household. And it's going to mean different things for different kids. Again, you have to know your kids. So, some kids like first and foremost, yes, we can use their strengths. For example, this would I'm sure this would be unheard of in America. My 13-year-old has decided this year with her friend that they enjoy doing our grocery shopping. So, they go and they go to Shahu. They do deliveries that they send the altered deliveries. And it's not, you know, all my main stuff. It's extras. It's bits and pieces. It's things we can't get locally, but she can, you know, do a nice big shop for me. And why not? It's so cool. And that's not usually something I ask her to do. It's something she wants to do and it's fun for her and how long that's going to last. And that's in one part, you know, things they offer, but allowing it. I was scared when she started. I was like, I think you're too young. Let's try. And we're going to have a couple of flops, but let's try. Let's be willing to have a couple of flops. And another example would be the other side of the coin when, okay, there's things that they may not be as keen on to help. And when you come from a place, and this is what's so important, when you come from a place that you know it's good for them, you know, I'm giving over the skills of being with kids. I'm giving over the skills of doing a bit of cooking, tidying up, sweeping the floor. Whoa, what a skill. And balancing that obviously with and working out when it's too much, when it's too little. But when you're steering clear completely of involving the kids because you're afraid of them, question that cuz that has something to do with you and what you are believing there's something off. >> Right. That's beautiful. I think that the biggest thing that I've I'm learning from you now is that it starts with us. That this passing over of the belt starts with us. When we see them for who they are, for the diamond of who they are, when we are resilient ourselves, when we have our anxiety in check, and if you're anxious, that's fine. But we need to work on it and for our sake and also for our children's sake. When we know how to manage a home for example, only then could we pass it over to our kids. And it starts with us. It starts with looking in the mirror and seeing ourselves before we pass it over. >> Yeah, totally. And you know what's a really helpful way of actually getting this very practically? I love looking at other people because when you look at other people, you're not emotionally involved. And then you see the matterof factness, like complete matterof factness, the way they treat certain issues or they treat certain things and they're like, "Okay, here's an issue. Deal with it. Done. Here's another issue. Deal with it. Done." And it's seeing other people sometimes when they are not emotionally involved helps you find that place within yourself sometimes. Right. That's beautiful. I love that. Is there anything else you want to share with us before we wrap up? >> Yeah, I've seen with my clients and my friends and just by generally being in the world that these kind of skills, the mind, the control that we have in terms of becoming more clear about who we are and what we stand for in our minds and actually really being aligned with that. Not just having theoretical beliefs, theoretical saying the words, but feeling terrible inside. the older our kids get actually the more important this book because if we don't see this as as soon as we can obviously you know wherever you're up to in life that's where you need to be but at any point being able to see that actually like I'm the one taking this too far will always stand you in goodstead so the one thing that one of the myths that I really try to banish from our concepts and from our world view is that little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. Because I really feel that when you start to see this when your kids are younger, then you start relating to their problems with care and concern rather than with worry and selfobsession. You're actually so inside yourself when you get very panicky about your kids that you're not actually able to help them anymore. So, when you're able to do this as your kids are growing up and you start being able to being more emotionally detached from their problems, meaning you care, you're concerned, you're with them, you're helping them, you're holding their hand, but you're not diving into their problem hook, line, and sinker and getting completely obscured emotionally. Because when you do that, you're absolutely no help to them. And when you can actually take a step back and realize that this is their life and this is good for them and you believe in them and all that, then as they grow older, you won't start looking at it as, oh no, there's these enormous problems now. It's all the same. It's okay, now there's this problem. Okay, now there's this problem. It looks bigger. Maybe it you can make bigger stories about it, but at the end of the day, it's more of the same. And when you start relating to your kids like that, you're going to be able to be the biggest help to them throughout their lives because they can trust you to come to you with their problems because it's not going to become this like huge blown up out of proportion thing. It's just you're a stable, solid, anchored person to come back to. It's beautiful. That gives me so much. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing and thank you for coming on. If you want to see more of Kyla's content, hear more from her, you can go to Kylar Rose.com. That's ch h a y l e r o s e.com. Her main course is present parenting and she has additional courses called playful productivity and idea to action. Thank you again for joining us and please reach out to us if you have any thoughts or questions. We would love to hear for you. Stay tuned for some more good vibes.