Eps 13. Self-Care That Actually Works: Finding Your Baseline and Rising Higher

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzzle, not as a shear, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little toe or light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome back to the good vibes podcast. Today we are going to jump right into pakme. I'm really excited for this practical lesson and theme. I know I say it almost every time but I really am. So states varamusha. This translates to she makes her bed sheets for herself and her clothing is made of sh and argamant which is linen and purple. Both shishes and argaman are considered to be royal and are actually what the cohen gazel used to wear. So that shows us like the value and the kashifas of it. So I want to briefly share to Mafarim on this puzz. The matsura stabid brings forth and stresses that the bedding is made by the Asia Kyle herself and that the clothes these royal linen and purple clothes were also made by the iskyle herself. And the malab also emphasizes on the fact that the isle made these beautiful sheets and royal clothing by herself that Hashem gave her the capability and the ability to make these garments herself. So both with the Matavid and the Malvib, we see that the Pasuk here has a big overarching emphasis on that the Asia Kyle is really doing something herself. Not only doing something herself, she's taking care of herself. She's doing something that's for her own needs for herself. It's interesting because for those following the different episodes, we see that Kaf focuses that is takes care of other people. Lamemed focuses on the fact that she takes care of her family. And now me focuses on the fact that she takes care of herself. So again, this puk is showing us the importance of not only taking care of everyone else and the value in that, but taking care of ourselves as well and the importance of self-care. And I want to take this opportunity with this puzz and discuss what it means to take care of ourselves really how the asyle takes care of herself. What is self-care to the asyle? And self-care in today's day and age is just so part of our language. and just it's something that we throw around and I want to take this opportunity to explore what self-care is for the ish and what we can learn from this puzz. So today we have on Kayla Leven. Kayla Leven is a brain hacker podcaster and life coach for married Jewish women. She's the host of the popular podcast How to Glow and she lives in Israel with her husband and children. Kayla uses a combination of mindset coaching, modern relationship research, a deep understanding of how our brains are wired, and most importantly, wisdom from Torah sources that can guide and inspire us on our journeys. Kayla has worked with hundreds of women through private coaching, small group programs, and her online courses. She has two online courses. The newlywed course is firstear married, and the program for women married for longer is called the marriage mastermind. Kayla, thank you so much for coming on and partaking in our podcast. >> I'm so excited. When you told me about this project, I was like, "Thank you. Thank you, that you're doing this. I'm just I think we just need so much of this and it was you really are hitting a need." So, I'm very excited to be part of this project. >> Yeah, it's very exciting. Thank you. Okay, so let's I want to hear from you. So I want to hear from you about what you just share your wisdom on what self-care is what we learned from this puzz and from your experience in coaching women how do we apply self-care to our lives the way that you just hydrow the world the word self-care a lot and we often claim that it's the solution to a lot of problems you just need more self-care if it's that you're feeling resentful more self-care And I I I love in this puzz you see that like you pointed out there's the level of royalty and kashivas in the way that these garments what these garments are made of but they're also very basic garments meaning you need clothing you need bedding right so there's kind of this like dichconomy between there's different levels right and this is what I teach about self-care which really just simply comes from having worked with so many women and seeing that I believe very firmly that if we're not on what type of self-care and I actually break it into three levels. What type of self-care we need, we will usually give ourselves the wrong medicine for right we want to make the right analysis or assessment of what it is that we specifically need. So I kind of feel like these tie in of course you know when you have a hammer everything's a nail. So in my head this paradigm is so helpful. I've seen it work so many times that I kind of see it reflected in the Pik as well. >> That's beautiful. Can you share these three levels with us? I'm curious to hear about that. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. So, the kind of self-care that I think maybe most of us, especially those of us who tend to dismiss the idea, would think of when you think of of self-care, I Okay, so let me start with this. I break it down into three levels. So, there's exceptional self-care, routine self-care, and baseline self-care. Okay? So, exceptional self-care is kind of the cliche, right? So, this is the going to the spa. This is taking yourself out for a girls night. I don't know, everyone has a different kind of self-care, right? And there's so many different types, but it's the thing that actually doesn't fit into your normal life, but it's it also kind of makes you feel like, oh, I really went above and beyond. It could also be like taking, you know, a davening trip to it doesn't have to specifically be physical, but it's something that's not a part of your normal life. And so, you kind of feel like you're moving above your normal life. if you're getting that extra infusion of energy or inspiration or whatever it is you're looking for and then you bring it back in. Going to a wellness retreat, right, would be another example. So, exceptional self-care is great. We don't want to hang our hat on it because it's exceptional. We can't necessarily fit in it on a regular basis, but when we can do it, it's great. What I think are more important are the next two. So, routine self-care, you want to think of it in terms of like routine maintenance, like the way we think about a car, right? A car needs an oil change. A car needs gas. You don't want to be letting it run out on the highway. Honestly, we need to think about ourselves in a very practical way. Hashem gave us bodies and we have a responsibility to those bodies. And what do we need for it to just be humming along well. So that's not going to a yoga retreat, but it might be making sure you get in two good walks a week, right? And it's going to be different for everyone. But this routine self-care is just kind of a check-in of giving myself what I need. And again, it could be spiritual, psychological growth, social, physical, but am I giving myself what I need to be operating well? Maybe not exceptionally well, but well on a weekly basis. Okay? And I think that this is something that women resist. We don't do this, especially newlyweds. I'm happy to talk about that if you want, why it's special for newlyweds, but it's something that I think that a lot of women resist. We don't think about it that way. Sometimes it comes across as I I want other people to encourage me to do things like eat a healthy meal because then I'll feel more taken care of. So kind of taking that ownership of ourselves and really figuring out our routine self-care is very important. But the place where I feel that women really need to be aware is baseline self-care. So baseline self-care is below this level, you are not yourself anymore. So, this could be someone who has a collicky baby who's getting up every couple hours and they haven't had a decent night's sleep in they can't even remember how long. This could be a person who's recovering from a surgery, right? This is just like a person you're just not or you're dealing with a tremendous amount of stress. When I was coaching during Corona, some of my clients who simply weren't seeing other people in real life or getting out of the house, they were below baseline. And when you're below baseline, it's a very different tactic. First of all, when we're below baseline, the number one thing is we always want to re-evaluate our lives and relationships, right? So, if someone says to me like, "I just don't know if I married the right guy." I'm like, "How are you sleeping? Let's just double check before we go into this conversation." Right? Because there's this tendency to want to make massive changes below baseline when really the solution is eat some chicken soup and go to bed. you know, like you you just need the number one priority becomes just get back to baseline. Very frequently, this is where we're at. I'm sure there's there's probably so many we always talk about how busy this generation is depending on your level of technology use that can contribute massively to sleep deprivation. There's a lot of just tired people walking around. And this isn't the time for a wellness retreat. This is the time for early bedtime. Three nights in a row and some healthy food and just get yourself back to where you feel like yourself again. You generally enjoy your life. You just are kind of functioning. And I think this is one where people very often misdiagnose what they need. They'll be like, "Oh, I just" And I think one of the reasons is people feel like when they're below baseline, they don't see the end of the tunnel. So they're like, "Well, all of a sudden there becomes this urgency. If I don't sign up for this, you know, masters in psychology right now, I'll never progress my career. So, I just have to do it even here. Like it becomes this like very big like life change moment, right? You know what? The masters will be there after three nights of good sleep and let's see if you still feel quite so compelled at that point. >> I I have so many thoughts. First of all, thank you. I'm glad that you just laid it out for us and told us what the three levels are. And now I have a lot of questions. So firstly, why is it that women resist this? Because I agree with you and I definitely have seen it in myself sometimes. I know other people have told me as well. Why do we have this that that women resist taking care of themselves? >> Well, I think there's a couple different pieces. Like I said, very often I will hear women say something along the lines of, "How come he didn't notice how tired I was?" So, I think there's kind of this when we're lacking confidence in a relationship, we look for it in funny places. And look, for newlyweds, the emotional bank account, the relationship bank account is very small. They just haven't been together long enough to feel confident. And so, it comes out in these funny ways, right? He should have noticed that I was tired and told me to go to bed. And I'm thinking, well, you were single for eight years and you always managed to put yourself to bed. Like, what happened under the ha, right? So, but it's very common. So, there's that's one piece. And it can also come from somebody who's been married for 20 years, but she's feeling a little disconnected. And so her confidence has also dropped. And so she's again looking for funny reassurances that he cares. Right? So that's one piece. If I'm taking care of myself, then I then I I'm not able to be taken care of, right? Where what's like the antidote of that? Meaning what's the ideal version that we take care of ourselves and we're also taken care of at a loted proper times and ways, >> right? And I think it's really just sort of holding it very gently. That desire to feel taken care of, that desire to feel cherished and important and loved. That's a very real desire. That's how women are designed. We want that from our husbands, right? And we want to be macabo. But I think we also have a little bit of a mishmash in our head about all the different concepts of like femininity and masculinity. and you know the damsel in distress or the Disney princess gets mixed in a little bit, right? Like the helplessness where if you look at like our female leaders and you look at Asia, she's not helpless. Not only is she not helpless, she's helping other people and herself. I should say first, she's helping herself. Meaning I I definitely believe in that when you have self-care, then you can take care of more of other people. So, it's not only she's taking care of herself, she's also able to take care of other people. And that's the actual opposite of a damsel in distress. Help somebody save me. And there's definitely times in our lives where we need more intervention or more help or more expression or to be cherished more. But I guess from what you're saying is that it's we get confused. We get confused about sort of what does it mean to be loved and taken care of? Like these sort of western ideas get mixed in with our Torah concepts. But I think there's there is something very real there. I don't want to just gloss it over because we're meant to be Makabel. And what am I being Makabel? And we, you know, we are more emotionally sensitive. We are more there's so much about, you know, I don't I try not to read what it tells theam to do, right? Because you're not supposed to like get in the other lane. But from what I understand, there's a lot about be very careful about making her cry. She could cry. She's more sensitive than you, right? It's very important not to make her cry or to make your wife happy. And it's just part of the makeup. I think that is part of the makeup that we have. And from that place, then we go, well, so I think I'd feel better if he would, you know, tell me like, oh, I noticed how hard you've been working and could you go to sleep and, you know, let me take care of XYZ. That would feel like being taken care of. And I think, you know, it's a really good question and I'm not 100% sure, but I think the idea is even if that's where I'm at now, when I think about the bigger vision that I have for us as a home and as a partnership and as a couple, what might that look like when we're dreaming bigger than he helps me go to bed at night? For instance, if I'm saying I want to take a Christ for the Jewish people, I want to be a person who is fundamentally changing the future of the Jewish people and helping the Jewish people. So, I'm no longer interested in someone making sure I go to bed at night, right? My job is too big, right? And so, now it just it kind of changes the scene. And I'm giving you from, you know, zero to 100, but maybe there's something along the line there where I'm still saying I want this partnership. I and I also have this also very I think for me is very helpful to learn is that for women supportive activities boost our oxytocin. We need a good amount of oxytocin. I won't go into all of the science but it's a very good hormone for us to have well stocked. Supporting activities could be like going to a coach or a therapist. Could be going to a manicurist. It could be talking to a sister. It could be honestly having a salesperson help you pick something out in the store. It's anything where you feel like there's someone here helping me. And it's interesting. I actually try and build that in a little bit almost into my routine self-care. Like I consider that an important factor in deciding if I'm going to invest in something. Okay, it'd be very nice for me to go to this I'll give an example. I recently went to my parents and teacher for a one-on-one session and it was 50% because I had some specific questions for her and it was 50% because I felt like I could use an oxytocin boost and I knew that just having that hour of sitting there and having someone help me with the things that I'm struggling with, you know, and giving me direction and was going to make me feel supported and that that was needed. I needed that. >> I love that. I love that. I think from everything that you're saying and putting it together with this puzz I think that it's showing us that it's not a sierra being taken care of and taking care of yourself again like you were saying it's part of our being to be a mechasis to want to get that feeling of to be cherished to have that quote unquote oxytocin boost like you were saying but we see in the that is takes care of herself and it's not either or it's not I'm going to take care of myself and then nobody's going to take care of me it's I'm going to take care of myself because I'm not helping because I'm strong, because this is what I deserve, and also I can still feel cherished and I can still be taken care of. >> And not just this is what I deserve, but because I've got big dreams for what I want to be bringing into the world, >> right? >> And so I need to take care of myself, right? I need to I can't be falling apart if I'm Now granted, there are times in our life where as women, we're just falling apart. Look, you have a new baby. That's just what you're supposed to be doing right now. You're just, you know, do your best. you're not at baseline. And the biggest thing about being below baseline is number one, try to get back to baseline as soon as possible, but number two, don't take your brain seriously until you're back. >> That's so important. That is, you just said it so nonchalantly, but I think that's like a earthshattering sentence. I think that so many times we're just like feel like you have to make a grand decision and it's no, just go get some sleep, drink some tea, and take a breath and then you'll be able to >> Here's the visual I want to give you. It's like you have a little brother and he's, you know, 18, let's say, and this is his I don't know what I'm not going to give you an age. You have a little brother and it's his first time drinking on PM and he had a little too much and he's telling you how he's figured out how his yeshiva needs to be reorganized and he's like really emotionally committed. So this is the solution. I think I should call my Rashiva right now, right? And tell him how he should fire this Mskiah. He should hire this person to do the job. And you would just be like, "You're so cute. Have some water. I'm going to put you to bed." And you're right. In the morning, if you still feel that way, we could decide about calling, you know, the rasha. It's we just I'm listening. I'm not arguing with you. I'm just going to get you to bed. Right. That's how we treat our brain. >> Yeah. I want to add one more thing that I just keeps on coming to mind. I think that sometimes why women resist taking care of ourselves is because a big part of our role is taking care of other people and on our minds it might be like I have to take care of this kid and that kid and my husband and the community and this and that's why before I mentioned like that we are deserving of it the same way that my child is deserving of my attention and love and care and so with my husband and if I have extra bandwidth with people outside of my home. I too deserve that. I also deserve that. And genuinely my soul, my nishama deserves that. And I think that sometimes we don't make the connection of self-care of, you know, I'm going to get a manicure cuz I want my nails to be nice, but I'm going to get a manicure because it makes me feel good and it makes me feel taken care of. And that's something that I in the deepest sense of myself, my my younger self, my inner self, myself today. That's what I do deserve that. Not saying that we deserve a manicure every day, but I deserve to be taken care of by myself. I deserve to make myself food that is going to nourish me the same way that I give my child food that nourishes him. >> Yep. And I'll add to it also just to make it more more practical, which is there's a big difference between the way the male brain and the female brain is wired. And a male brain notices when it's hungry. It notices when it's tired. And when it gets to the point where he's tired, very often you'll find that a guy could just pass out on the couch like in the middle of a conversation or you know in the middle of the day like anywhere there's people around, he's managing to just sleep because right now he's tired and when he sleeps he'll feel better. Okay, a woman vaguely registers that she's exhausted but is also registering that there's 20 things around her that are all calling her attention of completely different levels of priority but they're basically all just as loud. though the curtain is weirdly wrinkled behind the seating chair thing over here and that's bothering me because I just want to straighten it but also I haven't figroeded anything for dinner tonight and also I have an email I have to respond to my it's everything is kind of shouting at her all at once she's taking in a ton of stimuli at once and so two pieces one is a reframe I really want to offer to any woman who feels frustrated that she's you know five minutes from finishing dinner and her husband comes in and raids the pantry which is this is how he's wired. He's very aware of how of his physical needs. They just they speak louder and they speak clearer and there's not as much competition and it is a very good thing to be married to somebody who can be such a mentor for you because as women we need that >> right can learn from them of how to prioritize >> and instead of being mad at it we should say oh my gosh I didn't realize it's an idea it's an option to go take some crackers five minutes before dinner because I'm starving but looks like it is >> I love that I love how there's like science behind that there's science is behind why and the way that we act. And >> yeah, >> so it just adds on to what you're saying because it's not just that we deserve it. It's also that we have to be a bit more intentional. >> We can't just leave it up to our stomachs to tell us that we're hungry >> because then we won't. >> If we're not planning on lunch, it might not happen. >> Right. Right. That's why meal prepping is great in my personal opinion. Can you walk us through the three different levels of like how if I'm at below baseline, how do I get to baseline and then how do I build a routine self-care and then how do I get to the exceptional? How do I like learn about myself I guess to make that a reality or implementation? >> So below baseline, the best option that I my favorite option anyway for getting above baseline is something that women also resist, which is let your husband solve the problem. just present the specific problem and be willing to go with his answer because your brain is not really in a great place to troubleshoot right now. And so very often when we're complaining to our husbands, you know, this is just a classic. And honestly, it's not just women and men, but maybe more frequently with women and men, very often we're complaining, we want empathy, but this is not the time for empathy. This is the time to say, "I have a problem. I need it solved. Could you just take this?" Like, I don't know. Just take the baby wherever you need to go. Don't even tell me >> Sullivan >> and I just let me sleep for the next three hours or for Sunday or whatever the time is. Like I just have to get back to baseline. I think this is actually a concept that very much speaks to men because they get it. They get what it means to have your body interrupting your ability to produce and to create and to be useful. And exactly, it's a problem with a solution, >> but we just have to be willing to release that the solution has to be according to my rules and how I think it needs to go. >> So that's below baseline. And if not, you can ask a friend to give you ideas, but really it's just like this. You you put things on ice. Whatever I can put on ice, I'm putting on ice. It's on the back burner. I just need to get myself feeling better again, right? can stay home from work even if you're not sick and just sleep all day. Whatever it is that you need to do, it's not we're not meant to be functioning below baseline for an extended period of time, right? So, and again knowing let's say if you know you're expecting and postpartum I think is the one that I probably come across the most in my work but you know you're within the first three months. I actually have a whole podcast episode on this is how you should think about your life for the first three months and then the next three months and the next three months. I love that >> after baby because you you have to just have a paradigm that is totally different because you are going to be below baseline. >> Okay, fine. So that's getting below baseline. Getting to routine. I think it's helpful to just think about the different areas. I don't have them written down in front of me the way that I teach it, but anyone could brainstorm this. This isn't brilliance or you know something I've registered trademark. You need something you know physical. You need to know physically what your body needs. Okay. Okay. And again, routine is not, "Oh my gosh, if I got a nine hours of uninterrupted sleep, I'd feel amazing." Routine is seven, I'm good. I don't wake up feeling like I want to climb back into bed at 7 hours, right? Whatever the number is for you. But that's sleep. That's food. That's the type of food. That's how much food. That's when the food, right? That's exercise. Okay? That's certain types of personal hygiene would probably fall under there, right? Then we have social. Then we have spiritual. You could possibly add creative. I think different people ask that like if different people have different things that they need like somebody who needs >> who for them let's say reading a good book in bed is like grounding for them and it's their outlet then they need that as opposed to somebody who's maybe creative or maybe maybe very social and needs that more. I think that a big part of self-care is really knowing yourself which is really hard and a whole separate topic. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Right. >> Right. But it's just something to just I would say just be willing to just experiment and just learn and it's not a big disaster if you try something and you're like, "Oh, getting my nails done did nothing for me and I just wasted 20 bucks." Okay, fine. Move on. So now you have that information and you can move on. I like to think of it almost in terms of if you're into nutrition, they talk about nutrient-dense food and there's like a whole list of, you know, kale is like so nutrientdense per calorie. You're just getting so much nutrition, right? And it there's and then you know you take iceberg lettuce is not terribly nutrientdense. So and there's like that for all the different things. So, it's sort of the same thing is what's what are my nutrient-dense activities, you know, like how much mileage do I get out of going out? Like for for me, for example, going to coffee with a friend, not in either of our houses, gets me tons more mileage than if one of us comes to the other person's house for coffee. I don't really know why. I don't need to know why. I just know I get way more mileage, so it's worth it. >> Got it. Okay. Okay. So, that's like routine. That's like building up your routine. I guess it's a lot of trying to understand yourself. Does that make sense? You just summed it up beautifully. I would just say with all of these things, we want to hold it lightly because there is the danger of getting into this trap of I become so like even using the word need. I always get nervous about the word need. Oh, I need my book at night. Right? Well, if I think I need my book at night and then I'm not able to read my book at night, I've just made it a lot harder for myself. Right? So we want to kind of have that self-standing without ever getting rigid because we don't want to create something that's going to get in the way of us being able to let's say for instance you know there's a opportunity that I want to stretch myself to do and I'm like oh but I don't know then my routine self-care won't happen this week well how does that feel >> if you can handle it so then great you can handle not doing your routine self-care in that moment then you can make it up >> yourself and I think that it's also it's not black and white it's gray And that's something that's >> like the goal is to be able to set ourselves up to be people who then can grow and stretch, right? So why are we trying to create this foundation? This is not the end goal. Your self-care is not the end goal. This is I'm just trying to give myself more rocket fuel so I can go out in the world and do the things that I want to do or to be in my home in the way that I want to be or to be with my husband the way that I want to be. Right. And so so I Yeah, it's just like a word to the wise is we want to also be careful that we don't get too nervous and rigid about all of these things. This is kind of just like a little bit of a laboratory and things will change. You know, they change over the course of your lifetime, over the course of different things you you need. Some things are more helpful, some things are less. And it's, you know, it's good information to know. We want to know generally what keeps me going at my, you know, in a good way. And ideally, if you're at a place where you're not below baseline, you're somewhere in the routine range, which is quite large, then it doesn't have to be perfect. You only really fall apart if you're going below baseline. Beautiful. And can I just ask you as a wrapping up advice for people who are listening to implement self-care at whatever level they're at? What would you tell people? >> Well, first of all, all of us, you know, go up and down at all times, right? Like you could be at routine and then you get one exceptional self-care activity, but you're not at exceptional, right? So, it's number one is I would just definitely start with checking if you're above baseline. If not, just whatever it is that you need to do to get there, you will feel so much better. We really forget how good it feels to just be well rested when we're sleepd deprived, you know, and I think that's the main reason people go below. Also, it just it's such like a it's such a snowball effect, right? Because you go you're sleepd deprived, so then you're eating tons of like sugar and carbs because that's the only way you can get any energy to get through your day. And then you feel even worse. It is or you're drinking tons of coffee and now you're not sleeping, right? So, it's just this like snowball you can get yourself out of. But if you're past that, I would just let this be just like a fun experiment. You know, this is not another thing on your to-do list. This is not more homework, but just maybe a little bit of an awareness that you can add to your life of as you're going through things, saying, "Okay, there's different activities that I do in my day." And there's certain activities that when I do them, I'm still feeling it later in the day. That's so good, >> right? And just giving yourself permission to prioritize those things. And look, sometimes those activities aren't even entirely me focused. Like today, I took my kids to a gym and I spent the whole time basically watching them, laughing at them, smiling, waving, saying, "I saw what you just did." No phone, no no one there to talk to, nothing, just watching them. Being so present with them, being able to belly laugh when they did something cute. So amazing. Such great self-care for me. So, it's not necessarily things that are like, "Oh, I need everyone to go to the babysitter so I can take care of myself." >> I really think that the more that we have this trial and error and this just experimentation and this light-hearted experimentation with self-care, >> Yes. >> we learn what speaks to us, what speaks to our bodies, what works for us. >> And it might just be surprising. It might be surprising what we'll end up is great for us in a routine way or in an exceptional way. >> Yeah. It's amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming on and tying this puss to self-care. Thank you for teaching us these three levels and know for myself how beneficial it was to hear this and I hope that for other people it will be too. I'm sure it will. So, if you would like to reach out to Kayla Leven or partake in any of her courses, please visit kayleven.com. That's k a y l a l v i n. Kayla, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. >> Thank you for joining us. Please reach out and email us with any questions or thought. We would love to hear from you. Stay tuned for some more good vibes.