Eps 12. Parenting with Passion: How Warmth Shapes a Child’s Heart

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzzle, not as a shear, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little toe or light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome back to the good vibes podcast. Today we are up to pas lammed and we're going to discuss what might be one of my favorite pukim. It actually is for sure one of my favorite sukim in Asia Kyle for sure hands down. So here we go. Okay so lam it says which is loosely translated somewhat translated to she's not afraid for her household because of the snow for all in her home are dressed in scarlet or shaim material and we'll discuss that more so the shadow of the puzz seems simple she the kyle takes care of her family she makes sure that she has clothes out of scarlet out of shaim for her family and she's not scared of the snow of the cold that's approaching so the malam says that The ishas kyle takes care of her family. Previously we discussed how the ishas kyle also takes care of other people. In last pak we discussed how the ishas takes care of the ani and the avion. So now it's saying she also takes care of her household. She takes care of her family too. So we're saying that is doesn't only take care of other people. She takes care of her family as well. Now the matsid is saying that she's ensuring her family that the shot is that she's ensuring her family is physically prepared for the winter. Right? how she they're being dressed in Shauna. Now Shauna is scarlet which is like a red and it's actually interesting because scarlet is usually referred to as the color that we're not allowed to wear like a deep red. The mafarium asked why does it dka say why is it specifically saying scarlet and it's because scarlet represents warmth this red warmth material. She is ensuring that her family is all set with warm clothes for the winter for the snow. So, she isn't afraid for their well-being and warmth. That is like the face value. She makes sure that they're taken care of, that they have warm clothes. She's watching out not only for other people, but also for her family. Now, let's take this face value translation in a deeper sense. So, why does it specifically say snow? Why does it specifically say Scarlet? Shaunim. So scarlet we briefly mentioned how it is shunn is scarlet which is a red and it hints to physically the warmth that the shaun material is warm and that the red represents the emotional aspects of warm. Now the snow is not only cold, it is also numb. And the Asia Kyle is gearing them up with Scarlet, with Shaunim, which is helping aid the family for the cold and for the numbness of the snow. It she's dressing them in warmth of love and connection and emotional security and love of Torah and love of mitzvah. And the cold represents the hardships of life, the bitterness of life and also the numbness of living Yiddish kite, let's say by rope. And she fills them up and dresses them with the warmth only a wife and a mother can do. So the reason why I love this pock is because to me it really clearly shows this aspect of our role which I personally really connect to and I really strive to to try to do. So emotionally arming our families with warmth and with love and with the connection a as well as in terms of Yiddish kite bringing that warmth into our Yiddish kite bringing that warmth into the bren and his katchas of Yiddish kite of Torah and mitzvah to our children. To me these both aspects of warm our emotional connection and our warmth in our Yiddish kite is something that is such a special role that's played by Anish as Kyle as a mother as a wife. It's fascinating to me when the pussup has something that's so applicable to our lives. So that being said, I would like to introduce Robertson Dersuitz. Robertson Dersuit is a I'm very excited to have Robertson Dersuit on. I have been to Rabbit Duruit's classes and Robertson Dersuit is a student of Rabbit Sperner for 18 years and she gives many sharim on various topics. her husband Derby Dersitz is also the rub of Kal Nasakov and the last five years she's been giving in-depth courses so I have parttook in those in-depth courses and luckily we have her on she's been so kind to spare some of her busy time to have her on and share with us what this means the snow and the scarlet and how to add in warmth into our homes in the emotional sense and in the sense So, welcome Robert Cinders and thank you so much for coming on. >> Thank you and I really enjoyed what you said and I'm honored to be part of bringing Asia Sky to life. >> Thank you >> and thank you for doing this. to echo what you said before. It's actually interesting when I see there's lots of experts and courses and books and shirim and it's funny when you go into Mish and you see the same exact advice that all the modern people are so excited to discover. So this PK is actually the basic definition of the way we give overnight outside influences of the world is warmth is by definition warmth love pleasantness that is the exact definition of what is this actually answers a very hard question we have so let's say you have a nice long list of all the qualities that you would like to have your child have that you would like to give over to your child. And let's pick brushing teeth for example. So brushing teeth is important. It's important to have good hygiene. It saves you some time at the dentist and you want your child to brush their teeth. So it's bedtime and you go to your little Mishi. You say, "Mushy, it's time to brush your teeth." Now, as most little boys would prefer, Mushy would rather play with his Lego and he does not want to brush his teeth. So you try to bribe him. You try to distract him, but it's not working. So eventually you decide you're going to threaten him. And you say, "Mai, you have to brush your teeth." And you get him to the bathroom and you brush his teeth. And he brushed his teeth. And this happens night after night. And you reach adulthood and you're you've given over to your child that every night he should brush his teeth. And he does. Every single night, brush his teeth. Now, at the end of the day, we don't really care if he loves to brush his teeth. He hates to brush his teeth. He could write nice poems about how much he hates brushing his teeth. All we care about is that he brushes his teeth. And hopefully as an adult, he'll also brush his teeth. He'll understand that it's important to brush your teeth. Probably a lot of his genetics anyways. But bottom line, it doesn't really bother so much if he has extreme dislike towards brushing his teeth. Now, there's a problem with RN. We would repeat the same scenario and put instead let's say diamonding shakas. So you want your little mishi to diamond in chakras. So he's playing with his Legos. Same scenario. Now this time you force him to dive in chakras and he dabs but he grows up and after being forced time and time again he hates ding shakas. You might have gotten him to d shakus but he doesn't like it. And when he becomes an adult, one of two things might happen. Either he will dab in chakras but mumble the words and his heart will not be in it. Or he'll just stop ding chakas. So this is the problem with a child needs to want to do something. And how do you force anybody to want to do something? You can never force someone to want to do something. You can force your kid to do something, but you can never force a kid to want to do something. So this is where the pik brilliantly answers this dilemma. How do we keep our child safe from the outside influences and get our child to want to have the warmth of and to do proper and that is the answer that the puk says through warmth. The only way you can get someone to want to do something is through warmth through love through pleasantness. If we radiate love and warmth our children want to come to us. They're going to want the warm loving life of Torah mitzvah. They're going to want to be like the parents that radiant warmth and love. So practically this means that there's a very important principle in discipline is never going to be. So for clarity stake discipline refers to any negative experience that you impose on your child. So orders that must be followed unless they love being ordered around. I have never met one of those. But if they love it, okay, so it's not negative. Giving your child knows, giving punishments, even criticism or raise voice, all these things are negative experiences and we were going to put them under the category of discipline. So human beings are created, Hashem made us this way that we do not like negative experiences. We like pleasant experiences. We like pleasurable experiences. So anything that is painful to a child, it will make them not want to do it. And anything that is pleasurable to a child will make them yes want to do it. So whenever there's discipline involved with a child makes them not want to do that specific thing. So that is actually a good thing because we don't want them to run in the street. We don't want them to hit us. We don't want them to run out of the park. So yes, discipline makes our kids not want to do those things. But whenever it's regards to whenever we're using discipline for rrookness, forcing them to dive in, forcing them to share, will not ever make them want to do that thing. So it's a very clear principle. Discipline will never ever make a kid want to do something. What will make a kid want to do something is only love, pleasantness, and warmth. >> I think that in and of itself is just such a groundbreaking principle. And I remember learning it in one in your classes and the first time that you mentioned it, I was like, "Wow, that's just so groundbreaking." Like it's such a like you keep calling it a principle. I feel like it's almost like a prerequisite to so many things that follow. >> Yes. And it's sad because a lot of times when parents mistake this principle, they'll put so much time and effort into forcing their child to do something to davin. They say, "But I worked so hard. I did so much." But they're ding. But they just didn't realize that they were making this very simple mistake that discipline is not. So where does discipline come into? So first of all, discipline can be sometimes used to set the stage for actual. So what does that mean? So let's say a child, they don't want to dive in. They rather play with their Legos. And you can with not too much pain slashprotest get them to dive in and then you give them reward and praise and attention and you make them feel amazing that they dive in. So the actual forcing them to dive in was not didn't make them want to den. Not the reward and praise and attention that you give after is so you were using discipline to actually set the stage to actually do actual another concept is called sra. So sra if something is happening either being done to your child or your child is doing something that is ristically harmful. So you need to stop that. You cannot have a child doing something that's harmful rnistically or being with friends that are harmful in a ris manner. So then you would use discipline. So if your child is lying and it's you're afraid it's becoming a habit. So you might punish to stop it because that might become a problem. If your child is staying up till 2 am every night playing music and then they can't get up for shakus, you might put a stop to it because that's preventing them from actually doing what they would really truly love to do to Davin, but the force of music is pulling them away. So you would stop that harmful influence. You would stop that harmful influence in order to acet to actually do the actual eventually. But understanding the subtle and key difference is really the basic foundation of >> Okay. Amazing. So that being said that that's like the foundation of correct me if I'm wrong, but you're saying that discipline and can can go together, but it's two separate things and it's not the same. It's not the same thing and that there's time and place for each one. But it's important as parents to know that it's not the same thing. >> Exactly. So then can you walk us through or guide us how we practically how we practically do that or how like what the puzz is saying with the warmth the actual piece how we actually make sure that we do that and implement that in our homes. >> Okay. Practically our actual the pinn role that we're going to have for our children. So first of all we're understanding that our role as a parent is not to fix our children. That is not our job description. Our children are born beautifully perfect and sometimes I recommend people that love to fix other people. So get in involved in a job that involves fixing people. That's why I thank my students for hearing my musher speeches because you guys they want to hear my musher and my children don't. So it absolved me of that need. So what can we actually do? So the two active roles that a mother has in the of their child is going to be number one giving them life tools. There's so many life tools you can give your child. Some examples would be teaching them concepts of emotional regulation. Teaching them concepts that nobody forces you to catch the ball. Nobody can make you upset. You're not a victim. Don't let other people control you. Often times I'll have my kids will get in a fight and they'll stomp off to the room and sit out at the shabas table. I'll go over to them and say, "You're letting not only did Mai get you upset, but you're actually letting Mai ruin your shabas table for you." >> And teaching them these basic concepts about also practical things like money skills, organizing skills, helping develop their talent, social skills, coaching, tutoring if they're behind in their academics, speech therapies, just general life skills to help them in life. So that would be the first thing that we as a mother are doing. And the second thing is to build them up. So practically this means providing them with opportunities for success. When you let your child set the table, even if the forks and the knives are not how you like it, and then they come to the shabas table and everyone's praising them and making a big deal, they feel good. They want to do it again. If you let them help in the kitchen, even though it makes it 10 times harder, eventually they're going to get good at it and they actually will be helpful. And my daughter now, she's a better baker than I am. And in terms of actual mitzvah, mitzvah, you're always going to choose the smallest amount where it's easy for them to do and they can feel success. A child naturally wants to feel success. Success is a pleasurable feeling. You don't need to be told, "Oh, success is good. Do that again. That felt good." No, you it feels really good. So, a child that has easy, nice little stepping stones and little easy opportunities for success will want to continue to go and feel more and more feelings of success. And an emotional level, the job of a mother is to be their biggest believer. The word imma has the same root as amuna. And the probably the most powerful tool a mother can use for her children is just to believe in them to be their biggest cheerleader. And I like to give the example of a developer that comes to an empty lot. And most people will see an empty lot and see gravel and dirt. But a developer comes and literally sees dollar signs. And a mother has to look at their child even with all their flaws and all their shortcomings and all their mistakes and literally see dollar signs in their child. And the more a mother believes in the child, the more the child will actually become that the person that they believe that the mother believes that child could be. And the mother actually becomes the child's inner voice. And that voice that goes throughout your life saying I'm capable, I'm resilient, or I'm a failure, I can't do this. that really the mother has a huge influence in a child's voice throughout their life. So that really is the two main tools that we can use for our children. >> Okay. So that being said, maybe you can give us some more examples of warmth and so we can get a better understanding. >> Okay. So I've heard in the name of Rivi that is 90% action and reaction. So what does that mean? So action means modeling. A mother that takes her dominating seriously will very likely have children that take their doining seriously. A mother that does a mother that does kaim will very likely have children that do the same. And what is reaction? Reaction is just a natural overflow of internal passion. It's not something that's planned. It's not something that's calculated. It just happens just like a cup of soda overflows. Just something inside of you that flows out. So a mother's internal passion for rrookness is one of the most important tools. A child through basically it's like osmosis and heals whatever you are passionate about. Your deepest values become theirs. And parents often ask me if I don't tell my child I don't like X Y and Z how are they ever going to know? And I tell them they're just going to know because kids soak in and understand what you like and what you don't like. It's literally like osmosis. Whatever you're passionate about, whatever you care about, your child will literally soak it in. So, a mother has to live a life of passion for Yiddish kite. They have to wake up and say, "I'm getting to live a life of Torah and mitzvos. I don't say abraa so that I can eat food. I eat food so I could have the opportunity to say a braha." I get the privilege of helping my parents and doing kavim. I'm so excited for the gift of shabas. I'm so excited for the yam to we need to feel alive and passionate about serving hashem. And this is where the kal gives us this perspective. So on this pad explains that one of the powers of a malik or the sahara is called shell. >> Wow. And like we see in the about a malik a this powerful powerful tool of a malik is to cool down a person's passion foremah doesn't say oh turn on the light on chabas they're not going to get us like that what does the yates do the sahara cools our passion for yiddish kite so while this is a problem for everyone for every evan this is specifically important for us as mothers Because our children's rnas really depends on us having passion for yiddishkite. So as Jews we always have a spark within us but the stress of our daily life and the power of hergo slowly chips away at our spark. So a mother has to make a conscious decision to continuously fan the flames of their spark inside to reignite their passion. Not for yourself for the sake of your children. Read books. There's so many amazing books out there. Listen to Shirim, listen to podcasts. I know a great podcast about Asia. There's so much out there. But you need to understand that you have to make an active decision as a mother to inspire yourself because if not, life happens. The daily grind of life happens and your children's ris really really depend on you you having that spark and that passion for Yudishkite. So, you need to make your a decision right now that you're going to inspire yourself and make it a priority to actively choose to fan that flame of passion. Amazing. Thank you so much. I feel like you really touched on how the first of all, I'm blown away that amalik is referred to as shell or kak. I didn't know that. I mean I then you said that I remembered that around PM time that always comes up but I think it's so fascinating how we see that in the Pak and that cooling of and I think that again this Pak held almost like two sides of warmth the warmth that we use when like you taught us that we want to pass over something that the warmth in the warmth that if you want something to you you want your kids to do something it there's discipline and there's and comes with warmth and then you touched on the fact that there's warmth in in our bren for Yiddish itself. When it's roughness by osmosis, when we have that warmth and that excitement within us, that's how our children get it. So, thank you so much. Thank you for coming on and for shedding some much needed light on these topics and I really appreciate it and it's so good to see you and speak to you and hear your wisdom again. So, thank you for partaking in the podcast. >> Pleasure. >> Thank you. >> Thank you for joining us, everyone. Please reach out and email us with any questions or thoughts. We would love to hear from you. Stay tuned for some more good vibes.