Eps 11. Open Hands, Open Hearts: The Art of Giving

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzzle, not as a shear, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little tower light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is good vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Good Vibes podcast. Today we're going to discuss Pazak and discuss a very intriguing lesson with a guest who just so happens to be a great friend of mine. Okay, so let's dive in because I'm so excited. So states, so this translates to she opens her palm to the poor person and she sends forth her hand to those in need. It's another way of saying poor person. Okay? Right? So she opens her palm to the poor person and she sends forth her hand to those in need. So at face value, this puzz is extremely repetitive, almost like there's part A of the puzz and part B of the puzz and it's saying seemingly the exact same things almost like with synonyms. But we know that the Torah doesn't use words unnecessarily and that every word and every detail is there for a reason and there to teach us something. So when we see that the puk is saying something double really it must be teaching us something deeper. It's not just repeating itself. So the mafarim discussed the difference between these two parts and the correlation of the word. So kapa and yada. Kappa is palm. Yada is her hand. Para and is para is like she opens up and is like she sends forth her hand or her palm. And ani and are two different ways of saying a poor person. So I want to explore I want to take this opportunity to explore the difference between these two parts of the puzz. What is the difference between kapa and yad? What's the difference between para and shilka? What's the difference between ani and ev and how does that apply to us? What are we what do we learn from that for us? So let's dive in to try to understand these differences and try to understand what the subliminal message of this pup is. Today we have Mrs. Gubby Harvitz joining us. Gabby is my very close friend for many years now and Gabby Harvitz teaches in various seminaries in Jerusalem and Mrs. Rifka and Tomar D'vorah and Sharfman's I will say oh she also by the way has a private practice therapy practice and I will say that even though this is her bio of teaching in seminars and having a private therapy practice she is so much wiser and so much more interesting and so much more awesome than just that and I'm so grateful that you are on thank you so much for being with us Gabby >> thank you so much for having me so fun to be here okay so let's dive right in I always think you know with Mish there's some sort of mush there's some sort of metaphor but I just first let's just you know the basic we have the is like an opportunity to give and it's really in this post like what she's being praised for is she sees different people and she gives to them accordingly with different needs but I really want to understand so just like you said like what's the difference between a cap and a yod it's really interesting when you talk about the palm I think one of the most beautiful moments for those of us you know, Mr. Michelle experience, you have that baby born and I think we all like hold our breath until the baby begins to scream and then it's like one of the most beautiful moments, those first like screams and if the baby's okay and if the baby's healthy, they put the baby on the mother's, you know, body and eventually as the baby starts to calm down and regulate and it's breathing starts to copy the breathing patterns of the mother, the baby does something so fascinating. Every newborn baby in its most vulnerable state after leaving the birth canal will have their palms tightly clenched. And then that moment when that baby's on you and the baby starts to calm down, the baby's like hands slowly open and you feel each finger open. And then us crazy mothers start counting to see that there's 10. When those baby's hands just like reach, then the baby feels very caught. And there's a certain connection and a moment of safety. They speak about it physiologically often that the palm represents a lot of vulnerability. You know, palm reading us or what different depending which channels we take it through. But there's something about the palm that represents a lot of vulnerability. We see it as we grow up when we're stressed or when we feel tension or we're in a very vulnerable state. We clench. I don't know if you like if you'll notice or we do it ourselves, right? We like push our hands into our laps or like into our arms when we're feeling like uncomfortable, nervous, not really safe. But there's something about the palm really. the mal that brings it down that the palm represents a certain vulnerability versus we have this phrase that we use like you know someone like the back of your hand and like what yada really represents is a very public form it's like something that's you know people see it's the thing that I see the most as we're interacting with the world but it's also very public it's like a very seen part of our body it's publicly displayed it's not something we cover it's not something we hide the moment really brings down that the palm represents a vulnerability of privacy something much more intimate and the hand represents a much more public display something much more open really much more public so that's the first difference that I want to bring down then we'll talk a little bit about the difference between an onion and a brings it down talks about what's the difference we see it a lot onion and onion in the same we see the two words together and an is a poor person but is a poor person who he has things he's just lacking like he's in some sort of financial need he's lacking something he needs a bit more versus he's totally destitute He has nothing. He has every need. He just needs stretches forth her palm to the poor. She's being praised for her ability to give to really give of herself. What she's being praised for is her ability to give differently dependent on the receiver. So the poor person, someone who has doesn't have enough part of what they need, they need when she's looking at the person and wants to give, the person has like an entire life and protecting his or her shame and therefore she gives in her palm. I always picture it, you know, like covering the cash like in a very private and a much more closed way. Their primary need is to feel like somebody cares. And to that person who knows absolutely nothing, who all their needs are just raw and not taken care of, she sends forth both of her hands, right? She extends it. She does it very discreetly versus means she sends forth both of her hands and is praising her not just forgiving but customizing the weakness based on the recipient. I always think when I moved into my building I was like a newly married and there was this woman upstairs Mrs. Fman. She had just said like twins if Khar it was like her ninth and tent and she's like very hush and I was just like unpacking and it was all by myself like you know in my new apartment there was this man comes knocking on the door and she's like I'm so sorry to bother you like I'm just like do you mind like do you happen to have an egg? I was so excited. like nothing in my fridge except for this like you know card of eggs and milk and I was like oh my gosh I do like thank you like thank you so much like I really appreciate if you need anything upstairs like I love like borrowing from neighbors like I hope I didn't bother you too much but anything you need to knock on my door and I was so excited cuz like she was the first person to knock on my door and I felt totally uncomfortable and she like needed something from me and being in this apartment seven years later I always think about it like she's never ever once again borrowed anything from me and what she gave me on that like you know first or second day that I moved And you know, people dropped off cookies and it was really sweet and it was really nice. But she had this like vina to understand like what did I need? And I needed I needed to do a favor for someone. I needed to feel like I had something to give and nothing except for that egg. I know she need a real me to understand what does someone need and I've always felt comfortable knocking on her. It's so beautiful. It's such a nice story and ties in so nicely to the puss. Do you mind gubby making it a little bit more practical and bringing it down to our world today these two different categories? So we said that the first part of the puzzle can you first let's just summarize what the first part of the puzz is and the second part of the puk one of them is more vulnerable one of them is less vulnerable one of them is somebody that has is lacking then the other one is someone that is very much lacking. Can you just summarize that and kind of bring it down to our world in now 2026? >> For sure. So, copi I could try pressi is capa. She takes her palm she sees anie and she understands that the unie's need is someone needs to be given to but needs to protect their shame. And she understands that and she gives to them discreetly >> in a unique way. >> In a unique way like discreetly based on a way that you know they feel like they're we'll go more into that in a second. And then the Evian is someone who their primary need is to feel like someone cares and she gives very publicly. That's when she sends public hands in a very forceful way. You know, there's something about us, the way we're created psychologically and emotionally that we love giving and it's a very beautiful need that our system that the human system acquires. We love to feel like we contribute and contributing makes us feel good. Hormones get released in our mind, in our brain, and we feel very powerful. But the thing she's being praised for is not necessarily giving which has a lot of power onto itself within itself. But the thing that she's being praised for like I feel good when I give I much rather make you dinner than you make me. Even though I can appreciate the dinner dependency can be very painful for us. And the thing she's being praised for is understanding really speak about it I guess in the terms of like if I only serve a kesh bar when I feel good. So I'm not really serving. I'm serving myself when it works for me and I'm really enjoying and I feel totally inspired. So then I serve him and what it really means to love. I can say I love you from here until tomorrow when I love you and I love you and I love you. But loving someone is loving what they love. I love what you love. And the limit says for true love, you know, we could people can say it sometimes is so painful because they can say I love you and they say I love you but the things that are important to me if they don't understand it, it just has no importance to them whatsoever. And with what it means to serve Hashem, they don't just do it when like it works for me and I feel inspired and culturally like you know the spirituality makes me feel very connected and hopefully with Yiddish and an intimate relationship it brings tremendous pleasure and the thing that she's really being praised for bringing in a portion of the Minette is that she's able to you know we all have our primary ways of giving like some of us we really like you know our friends sad we give her a hug some of us like when our friends are sad we love space so we give space ability to not just give in the way that I'm used to giving giving but given in a way that the person really needs to receive and it takes a lot much a lot more conscious effort because I'd rather give in a way that you know I feel I could give and I felt super good and to switch the focus instead of like how do I feel when I do it to what is a person in front of me and what is their need and sometimes a person's biggest need is not for me to give to them they need to feel like they're giving I need to ask them advice and I need to find an area in my life to let them in and be more vulnerable with them about and that can require a lot more giving for me and that's a part That's much harder for me. And not to pretend that I need advice. Everyone knows when we're pretending to really ask them for advice. To really ask them to borrow something to allow them to be the giver. And that could be the biggest giving moment. And sometimes giving is even though you want a hug, she doesn't want a hug. She wants space and she doesn't want you to be there for her. So sometimes the best friend is not to be on top of her and to give her the space she needs and respect it and not be upset and not be hurt. And sometimes giving and it amazes me how some people are just so accurate in like how they give and how they do it. You know, I always think of just, you know, making meals after people have babies. Like, I feel good. Like, I made my friend a meal. And then you have people, they drop off a meal and they're like, "Oh my gosh, how are your other kids?" Like, I put some shekele store prizes cuz it's so hard to, you know, change a diaper or nurse and have toddlers. And that doesn't need a meal. Like, the person didn't have children. She's sad and she thought like, "What does this person need?" Amazes me. One of my friends like every time she drops off a meal, she always drops off a massive smoothie cuz she's like at 4:00 so thirsty. So true. I think that what you're talking about and what we see from the pasok is right for sure. You know, it's talking about somebody who is lacking and somebody who's really lacking. And let's take for example, there's people in our community and different organizations that they're they could use some or they could use a little bit of help. And then there's other organizations where they really take care of the people that really desperately need it, you know, and who shouldn't know. And you know, there's different types of giving in that sense. But then I'm thinking about like bringing it into our lives. Okay. And you gave the friend example. Some friends are going to need more outward support. Some friends are going to need you to not reach out to them. Some friends are going to need in different ways. And then bringing it even closer to home and within your actual home within your biama. And sometimes I think about a wife giving to a husband or a wife giving to her children. Different children. And you know, of course, this is just like a mush. We're not actually saying that our kid is like an an orion, but with this idea of giving in an open way or giving it in a hidden way, giving in a unique way or giving kind of openly, different kids need different things. Some kid might need you to shower them with praise publicly while another one might not appreciate that, might not need that might not help them. They might need a very unique almost interesting kind of pickme up. And even same thing with our husbands. There might be certain topics, certain subjects, certain things in his life that he might want more explicit support with and might want more subliminal support and encouragement with. What do you think about that, Gubby? >> Beautiful. You said it very beautifully. I really think, you know, the thing that we challenge ourselves to do is can I refine and be much more curious? Can I really refine how I get? Can I be much more curious about what the receiver needs rather than just you know like what I appreciate which is a beautiful thing often we appreciate others do but sometimes it is different and sometimes like especially with a husband or a child different stage different age different gender there's something else there that they require. It really requires a lot of curiosity. Sometimes we're so emotional and we really appreciate emotions and we really appreciate philosophy and spirituality and psychology and sometimes the person just needs to feel like their basic needs are met. And even though I'm so busy with their emotions, the thing they need this month is just a lot of stability. They just need to know that the their bags are clean, that everything in their tick is proper for what needs to be in their tick for the Tuesday morning. And I think just our different personalities, each operating its own co-host and its own strengths. Really, the thing she's being praised for is being very curious, really refining how she gives based on the person that's in front of her rather than her very natural way. she does it with different parts of her hands. The movement in which she does it is differently really based on the person who's there if we're going to take it. I think also one thing sometimes you go very meta and it's very beautiful and sometimes we're the opposite. We go very detail oriented and having that balance to hold the two. I always get this more about and you know how does she form trust is a beautiful piece speaks about you know giving to people before they need to ask for it and the blog also speaks about importance of details and I think when it comes to giving you know you walk in and you're like hey do you like my shirt and they're like we love it it's very different than someone being like I noticed your shirt it's so pretty you know a girl asking to join on the seminary Hanukkah break trip is very different than being invited when you're giving and you have a certain curiosity like what does this person in my life need and I can really sit there and if I don't know so it's more time to ask sometimes the best giver is like what do you want right now like what can I give you that's helpful and to really genuinely be curious because what's helpful for me is not helpful for everyone and I think you know one of the moments where we feel most connected to people even the smallest things you know it's really nice when someone makes us a coffee but how do we feel when they like froth the milk and make a heart details really show they really are the glue to any relationship was in high school and one of my good friends. Her father bought her a car and we were all so excited cuz we all wanted a ride like she was going to drive us like remember the 45 minutes away from school. We were so excited we had a car, you know, we were so grateful to her father and she was mildly impressed and I always like fascinated me and there was one like freezing cold morning. I grew up in Toronto. There's like freezing cold snowstorm and okay, we were teenagers. She had this roll in the car like we don't talk in the morning like everyone drink your Pepsi and we talk when we get to school and I remember she like picked us up and she's smiling like ear to ear like she's in heaven you know and we're all like oh my goodness like what is this mood you know when and after a while we're like hey what's the seventh heaven like what happened she's like laughing we're like okay like we keep driving and we're like trudging through the snow and it's taking a really long time and she's just so happy and we're like it's freezing like why are you like what happened? She's like, "Okay, you guys want to know?" And we're like, "Yes." And she's like, "I totally forgot to park my car in the garage. I woke up. It was this crazy snowstorm. I thought we weren't running to school." I peek out my window shade and she's like, "My father, you know how busy my father is? My father was standing there 6:00 a.m. in the freezing cold and he brushed off all the snow from my car." And as I looked at my friends and I saw what was going on in her eyes, I had never ever seen her feel so loved. moment. It was just so fascinating because someone could buy you a car and we were all so excited. But for her, the fact that her father woke up early and she couldn't have gone to school and he sat there and it was freezing and he brushed the snow off gave us a lot of details. Muka, you have eggs in your fridge door. Muka, like there's all these details and it's like you care. The creator and sustainer of the entire universe, you care. and our ability to really understand like details and when someone does remember that I don't like tomatoes and dressing on the side or my food not to touch or whatever it is that we have in our particular detail or we really are people who pay tremendous care to deal with them when it comes to ourselves and when I'm giving to another person there's something to give then there's something to say does the person want eye contact do they not want eye contact do they want it to be publicly displayed do they not do they want a hug do they not want to be touched and don't ask them if they're okay we're not meant to know like we're not profits But I think it requires a lot of curiosity. >> I love that. I love how you said curiosity. How this plastic shows that she's curious and wants to try to trying to think outside the box a little bit trying to understand more. And the word that came to mind also is attunement to me. When I read that rabbin pasuk bay, I also I I also thought of attunement. being attuned to the people in your life. And again, it takes time and it takes curiosity and it takes diligence and detail, but learning to be attuned to the people around you. Of course, beginning with our husbands and our children and you know, if we have the time and the energy for our community and for people around us, but the ability to be attuned to what that person needs is the biggest gift we could give them. I think that it's one of the superpowers of an asyle is understanding that my kid needs a snack when they come home or else they're going to go crazy. So, let me think in advance how I can make sure that they're going to have a snack and that we're going to get the afternoon on the right track. That's just a silly small example, but of course, it's for bigger things as well. I think that when we care enough about somebody else to stretch ourselves to be curious and to get to a place of being attuned to offer that tissue before they even need it, to offer the invite, to say the compliment before they even ask for it, it shows a certain trust. It shows a certain relationship and it shows a certain connection and that we will always be there for them or that we're trying to always be there for them in the way that's best for them. And I think it's such a beautiful thing to to start off that you know to say how this the is not just yeah she does she's you know she's head in high school and she makes sure to volunteer for her beer hole all beautiful things I'm a big beer hol fan I'm just saying that the nuances and the detail of comes from attunement and comes from detail and comes from curiosity and striving to be attuned. >> Beautiful. I think attunement is like a very appropriate word and really right nuance. I hope that tissue example because I feel sometimes you know someone like sitting there and crying and you're being there for them. The person needs a tissue you know it's so unmet meta and we really mean it with our best of intention. It's like oh she needed a tissue like they all needed water. Like you get thirsty when you cry and like to really just be able to think like does a person like what would I want? And it's not always what I want. What do they want? There's so many different, you know, really getting to know people and it takes time. We really have to get to know people and really be open and really be curious and we requires a lot of vulnerability to ask someone like >> Yeah. I think that sometimes like we're too hesitant to say, you know, I really want to help you. What is it that I can do? I wish I knew, but if you teach me now, then I'll know down the line. You know, I think that I hope this put gives everybody kind of the permission almost or encouragement to ask your spouse, ask your kids, ask your friends when you don't know what they need. Like, how can I help you? I want to learn. Like, I want to learn what it is that speaks to you so that I can be better this time moving forward. And only through trying and practice and asking and being vulnerable can we try can we end up giving to them in their way. Giving to them either openly or subliminally like the puss says giving to them outright. Giving to them hidden. Giving to them in the way that they need giving. And I think it's I think it's such a I think it's a lifelong skill. I think that meaning a lifelong thing to work on. At least for me, I think it's a lifelong thing to work on. But I think that very quickly we can see progress in our lives. If we kind of have this perspective of I want to give to the people in my life the way that they need giving and the way that's going to be best for them and asking and being vulnerable. I don't think that it's something that you're not going to you're going to see you're going to reap the benefits rather quickly. I think >> I also, you know, I just I always do appreciate the five love languages and that whole theory of sometimes I really feel like I'm giving, but you just don't there's no receiving because I'm speaking in Chinese when you only understand Hebrew and really just knowing people's languages. And I think the curiosity doesn't always have to be in the moment of stress, of pain, of conflict. Just getting to know the people around us. And sometimes, you know, the best thing to do is not to ask, to offer, right? You're like, "What can I do?" You're like, "I don't know nothing." When someone's like, "I'm bringing you over a cake." You're like, "Perfect." >> Yeah. Yeah. But knowing that beforehand like really knowing the people in your life what they need the different patterns and we could imagine right a poor person someone they still have selfrespect like it's embarrassing and for someoneutely nothing it was a human need to feel taken care of and really just trying to tap into what is the need right now what is the circumstance and really reacting accordingly beautiful I just one more thing came to mind and then we'll wrap up we know that we're supposed to emulate Hashem's ways and One of the things that we always say about a karu is that he knows every detail. He knows every secret. He knows every hidden thing that you don't even know. And sometimes I think like Hashem knows me like infinitely better than I know myself. Right. And he gives me my life, my pala exactly the way I need it. And that's his giving to me. And aldos. But I want to know the important people in my life. The people that Hashem put in my life. I can't say I'm going to know them better than themselves. I mean, maybe for your kids a little bit, but you know, to know the same way that Baraku knows us and gives us exactly what we need. Obviously, we can't do that. We're not Hashem. But to emulate that, I want to know the people in my life as best as I can so I can give to them and in the perfect the most perfect peeka that I can get to them. It's not going to be perfect because I'm human, but to give to them in a way that is is best for them. And because again we're human and because we're only emulating a keshu there's gonna be a lot of trial and error but this idea of when you think about hashem has a tailor master plan for me for you for everyone how beautiful is that idea that we want to do that to the people in our lives >> beautiful just add to that one more piece similar to what you know we've already spoken about when giving me whatever he does for me is what I'm doing for someone else how often am I filling up myself and how often is my focus on them? And I think sometimes it just requires like a quick U-turn like wait, is this for you? Cuz like you really feel good when you really feel and it's okay like we should feel good when we get but I do think it requires that you turn off and just to help me check in with myself like is this for them? Is this what they really need? Is there anything I can do that will fill their need more? Or is it just like the natural way that I like to feel in the circumstance and the natural way that I'm used to giving? Whether it's comfort, whether it gives something to me, we speak about it as children. You know, one of the most beautiful moments is when your children could be independent, but it's also painful because there's a dependency on us that we love. And it's good that we created us like that. We're created to love when people need us. And it's not a bad thing, but it's bad when it's not controlled. It becomes very scary and frightening. And unlike the very polarized spectrum, it becomes people who create disease or illness for people so that they have to always depend on them. And I'm ready to show you know each of us in our own lives and ways but when in my life you am sometimes like not creating that independence and like I'm really thriving off of the dependence that's not in the person's best interest it's in my best interest >> doing my you like who is this giving really serving and when someone could give to themselves that is like the most beautiful moment of course yeah it could also be a painful one and just checking in with ourselves what's the driving force behind this giving where is it really coming from like we very similar to when I'm serving a doing it because culturally it's comfortable which is a good thing to see where it's not a bad thing but when it's the reason that I'm not serving I'm serving myself and it's very scary to be in a religion of people serving themselves who is the center and when I'm giving to someone else who is the center is it me and my own needs or is it really me looking into someone else's eyes and be like what does this person need and how can I be a that's beautiful that's beautiful Gabby thank you so much Thanks for sharing on this puzzle, enlightening us. Thanks for taking time out of your busy. >> Yeah, I love listening to these podcasts. It's like so amazing. Such a beautiful thing you're doing. >> Thank you. Thank you. Gabby actually teaches Asia Kyle in some seminaries. And fun fact, Gabby and I started learning as Kyle together way back how many years ago? Five years ago, >> I think five years ago. And here we are hasham. So, thank you so much and thank you for joining us. Please reach out and email us with any questions or thoughts. We would love to hear from you. Stay tuned for some more good vibes.