Eps 10. The Mundane, the Meaning, and the Mindset: Finding Kedusha in Everyday Life

Welcome to Good Vibes, the podcast that brings the timeless beauty of Asia Kyle into the rhythm of real life. Each week, we unpack one puzzle, not as a shear, but as a spark for honest conversations, refreshing insights, and a little to light you can carry with you. Because meeting shouldn't feel heavy. And connection doesn't have to wait for quiet. This is Good Vibes for the Jewish woman who's doing a lot and still reaching deeper. Hi and welcome back to the Good Vibes podcast. Today we're going to discuss Puky Yud. We're going to talk about this unique aspect of this Puk and bring it into our daily lives. It's actually something that we as wives and mothers do multiple times a day. So here it goes. This translates loosely to she stretches her hands to the sewing tool and her palm support to use the spindle. So the first thing that I noticed is that it's talking a lot about sewing and there's also seemingly two parts of the puzz. But both are mentioning something about sewing or about that type of work. So I actually want to delve deeper into the puzz for this specific episode. We're not going to talk about what the project is hinting to, but I want to focus on this aspect of sewing because the idea of an asia style sewing has come up time and time again in Tanakh. She has a sewing tool. She has a spindle. We see it multiple times in Tanakh. And one part that we see it in is in the time of the Mishkan when the women were taking thread and needle and they ended up making they turned it into cloth. They turned it into these sheets of kaduca. They took these basic needles and thread and whatever tools they had and whatever minimal thread and whatever it was that they could find and they turned it into these beautiful sheets for the holiest structure built at that time. They turned something that was so simple like a thread into kaduca into the walls of the Mishkan where Hashem dwelt. This speaks to me because I think that it hints to our role as wives and as mothers. Taking something that's mundane, taking something that's everyday and elevating it. We do this constantly. And it's so apppropo that one of the speak about this and speaks about taking something so simple. A guy in the pusk talks about how she has her sewing tool and her spindle and that we see how women throughout the ages use this and elevate and use this and to create kaduca and we have this in our lives. Maybe not with sewing. Maybe some of us still sew but you know most of us or all of us make supper. Most of us or all of us do laundry and it's the same idea of taking the mundane and elevating it. And to me, this mundane and making it kadosh speaks so loudly to what we do on an everyday basis that we might not even notice. And on top of that, on top of taking the mundane and elevating it into kaduca, there's also this idea of the Asia Kyle sees the raw potential of something and sees how it could be elevated and sees how it could be turned into tapped into its potential. And I think they kind of like overlap this mundane to kaduca and this, you know, the first idea of mundane to kaduca and the second idea of taking the potential and and helping actualize it. But again, I think that it's something that happens in our lives all the time and that we get to to experience and we get to be part of in our everyday lives. And it gives me personally because it's almost a different perspective to everything that we do or especially let's say the tasks that are mundane or the tasks that are difficult. If somebody has a task that's specifically difficult and I know if we've spoken about this on the podcast before but kind of in a different perspective in a different twist. If I have a task that's specifically hard for me and I realize how much I can elevate it and realize the kaduca that's attached to it, it gives it a whole new value and a whole new meaning. And this doesn't mean that I'm going to all of a sudden love that task. It just gives me to know that yes, these mundane tasks, they for sure can be hard. And again, like we spoke about it earlier in this podcast on a different episode, but it's also you link the kaduca to it and I for me that makes it easier for me. It makes the mundane tasks so much you know holier just because they really are that much holier. So luckily I have Adella Bookspam with us here today. She's a wife, a mother of eight and living in Kurat Safefair and she's been teaching in Darina for more than 20 plus years. And when I was introduced to Adella I was told that she's like the go-to person for practical advice on whatever life throws our way. So, I felt like she would be such an unbelievable guest to share her insights on the mundane and elevating it because how much more practical can you get than that? So, welcome Adella. Thank you so much for joining. >> Thank you for having me Raphael. I appreciate it. Okay. So, I wanted to first say that the superpower of a woman, which is to grow a child, really indicates to us what her avod is going to be in every area. And for a Jewish woman, it's on a much higher level because not only that, but she's the one who's going to be bestowing the nishama onto this child. Not just because she can grow the child physically, but the nishama comes from her. a Jewish man if he has a baby with a non-Jewish woman. So the child is not Jewish. Only a Jewish woman is the portal through which a nishama can come into this world. And that means that the holiest thing possible which is a piece of hashemal can only come through Jewish women. And that is the ultimate expression of granting the spiritual to something physical that we take a body and we fuse it with a nama and that's her task in having the child because a man can't do that. So this superpower of a Jewish woman indicates to her what the rest of the avoda in her daily life is also going to be. That is the most prominent expression of her avoda. But it's going to come up as we said like on the daily on the minute and of course the question is how do we do that practically and that's what we're going to talk about now I hope. Yeah. I love how you brought in first the idea of how bringing a child into this world is the ultimate example of what we're talking about because you know obviously and not to negate people who don't have children yet or who are waiting for children obviously you're still an issue but this idea of bringing in a child into this world talking about being a mother that is the ultimate act of being a mother and it starts there. It seems like it starts there. This idea of bringing something spiritual into something physical. Like what you're saying, it's the ultimate example of bringing spirituality into the physical. I know that Rebbiten Kamki Shalom used to say that whenever she was expecting, she loved the idea that she was always serving Hashem. She was always, there was not one minute even in her sleep that she wasn't serving Hashem. And this the idea that not only are you growing a human and a Yiddish and a shama inside of you, but you're the only person who can bring this kaduca into the physical. So nice. Okay. So maybe you could tell us more about what you what you think about this idea. I want to hear more from you if you have. Okay. So I'll tell you how I grew this idea in my life. So my experience was as follows. I always hated kids and I was never a counselor and I never thought they were cute and I never babysat and the first baby's diaper who I changed was my own first baby. I had nothing to do with kids. I didn't want anything to do with kids. But I also knew that if Hashem would grant me children, I would have them. And that this would be a major part of my aoda and my growth and of course also passing the mura on, etc. So, I had my first two kids and my attitude towards motherhood that it was very physical, mundane, boring, repetitive, tedious, meaning I'm a trooper and I'm going to persevere and do the right thing and what I should do. But I was not enjoying my motherhood. I was doing it because it was the right thing to do. And I loved my kids, but I wasn't enjoying raising them because of that attitude. And at some point, again, after I had these two kids, I asked myself a hard question, which was, would I want to be my own child? And the answer was definitely no. Because who wants to be the child of somebody who's doing the right thing but not really enjoying being with them or raising them? And I said to myself, I could be doing everything right and buy the book, but still get this all wrong. Because if my kids don't feel that I like being with them and being their mother, they're going to be really emotionally messed up to a certain extent. So I could be doing everything right and sacrificing my life for this aoda and at the end of the day getting it totally wrong. And I definitely wasn't down for that. So, I had to change my attitude and I had to change my way of thinking and reset it. Can I just pause you right there because I want to give credit and I want to just I don't want to let this kind of like just pass by this idea that you're owning the fact that it was hard for you. And I'm sure that many people listening to this can really resonate and many people that are listening to this can really maybe feel the same way or feel a similar way that I think that it's really it's important to talk about and it doesn't need to be taboo cuz it's what Hashem gave you. Now obviously we're not encouraging anyone to not be a good mother obviously but to talk about the fact that for some people it's hard and for some people doesn't speak to them and what to do with that I hope and I think that gives to so many people. Well, also what gave me even at that time is that there are different stages of motherhood >> and I didn't necessarily like the little kids stage, but as my kids got older, I definitely enjoyed the older stage. I mean, I know people the opposite. I love my teenagers and maybe I'll be a great, you know, mother to my married kids and a great mother-in-law. Like, it's not like most of motherhood is not the little kids stage. I don't have any married kids yet and it's soon, but the older they get, the more I enjoy them. >> That's so interesting. I think that's also even for me as a young mother gives me a lot of perspective of how it's a constantly changing >> a voda and I'm definitely more naturally good at the older kids and let's say my husband's naturally with the younger kids so it just it's a good match >> right and the same way that when you had younger kids you're stretching yourself to be the best mother you could be for them in that moment like for me I have a two and a halfyear-old and my personality is I love having fun with him I don't know what it's going to be like when he's six 10, 15, you know, but if it doesn't speak naturally to me, so I need to figure out and look inward and push myself in a healthy way to see how I could be the best mother in that sense. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. >> So, yeah, please continue your story. >> Okay. So, it's really about a mind reset. So, I'll give you an example outside of the children. Two people could be grocery shopping and you're getting your cart and one person could be like, "Oh my gosh, like I'm so tired. This is so annoying. The lines are so long." and be very resentful and not happy about it. And another person can say, "Oh my gosh, wow, I'm so happy that I actually have money to pay for these groceries and I can go into the store and I don't have to grow the peppers. They're just there right in front of me. All these gorgeous fruits and vegetables straight from the sad." And you can have two people with different mindsets. And I truly believe that the person with the first mindset can switch to the second mindset. If she just takes a minute before she goes into that store and resets her thinking, her experience will be much more positive. Now, I'm not saying that she's going to be dancing through the aisles on a high of inspiration. What I'm saying that if someone consistently resets their mindset before they do a task, then slowly but surely, they turn the dial from resentment to finding meaning and happiness, and their whole soul is calmer about it. and happier about it overall and your whole life shifts. So this suggests with kids also and I think that there are two layers and it's really about appreciating the importance of what you're doing because when someone appreciates the importance of what they're doing, they find meaning and therefore happiness in it because meaning equals happiness. So there are two levels for finding meaning and therefore happiness in being a mother. Again, it has to do with focusing on how crucial the task is. So the first level applies to every mother in the world, which is that every single thing we do in raising our children is putting a deposit or making a withdrawal in their resilience bank account, in their security in the world. We call it Hashem. If you're non-Jewish, you might call it the universe, whatever you want to say, but you're building their trust in the world by making them a piece of schnitle and serving it to them to that extent. Like to you, you could look at it and it could be a piece of schnitzel, but to them it's a piece of security. My mom is taking care of me. My home is a place where I am seen and taken care of. And sometimes it's about not doing things. Sometimes it's about they're having a tantrum and not giving into them and having the strength to do that. But every single thing that you're doing, every single thing, which is a little bit scary, but on the other hand, but on the other hand, it's true and it's empowering and it gives us and don't be anxious about it. instead realizing the kashivas of what you're doing. You can't get it right every time, but you want to get it right a lot of the time. So, you're building a person that not only you brought physically into the world, but you're creating their emotional and psychological reality in terms of how they're going to succeed in the world. At the end of the day, it's going to be their own bkira, but you're setting them up for to be as successful as possible or not with your actions. And that's what a mother is. So every single thing that we're doing has meaning. Changing a diaper and giving that security of my needs are taken care of has an actual impact. And if we can reset, as I said before, we can't do it before every task. That would be a lot of avoda, but as many as we can and tap into the the crucial and critical nature of what we're doing by meeting those needs, then we're filled with a more sense of meaning because we realize that what we're doing is so powerful and impactful on this human being. So that's one level that applies to every mother in the world. I just want to say that I really love this idea of resetting because it's something that does not necessarily have to be so complex and it doesn't mean that it's going to work all the time and definitely not at the beginning. But like you were saying with a grocery store idea, if you reset your perspective with a grocery store, with a diaper, with the dishes, it can give you so much more meaning and over time you might not even need to do that reset anymore because it it's so ingrained in you. If you really do not enjoy separating the laundry and making sure that your kids and husband are going to have white shirts and not gray shirts, then adding meaning to that and having a reset of instead of I hate separating the laundry doing and saying I'm doing this so that my kids and my husband can look and can look with a white shirt adding whatever meaning that speaks to you speaks to your family. I really love this idea that you suggested because it's very tangible almost. It's not like esoteric and something that we can't do. I do believe that everyone has the capability of saying taking one task slowly doesn't mean that it's going to be an overnight transformation, but slowly but surely it could lead to a different perspective, which is what you're saying. It takes about 20 seconds. And if you do it consistently, just like with exercise, you're if you do a great workout, you're not going to feel stronger that minute. You might actually feel weaker, but over time your body gets stronger and like in ways that are like you don't even notice in the beginning, but it totally shifts your life and your level of satisfaction and happiness when you reset your thoughts to tapping into the truth, which is how important what you're doing actually is, >> right? >> Or whatever positive thoughts you want to have. >> So with your children, how did it play out for you? Meaning, how did it come about for you? Did you notice that the later kids it was easier for you to handle? >> Oh, absolutely. So, but let me just talk about the other layer that has to do with just Jewish women. So, the second layer of tapping into the importance of the avoda of motherhood only applies to Jewish women. And that's if there's a concept called olk or hau that if someone asked us to name the important people in the world, so we would list the prime ministers, top richest people in the world, influencers. But from Hashem's perspective and he when he looks down on the world it's very different because he created the world bracius and Rashi says bashil raius for kai Israel and for Torah for the two firsts. So we said before that it's the women who bring kishell into the world again not just physically but also spiritually and it's also going to be the women who raise them to Torah. They're not the ones who are called alom day to Torah. But in terms of the children, just because the man's devod is out of the house and the woman's avoda is in the house, she's just the one on the scene, especially when the kids are younger, making all those decisions and enforcing them and raising them to Torah. So if we combine those two ideas, we are the Jewish mothers are the most partners in Hashem in terms of why he created the world. So when Hashem looks down at the world, who lights up on his map? Just the Jewish mothers doing those small tasks in their house. And when I think about these things consistently, as I said, I it's not about being inspired in the moment, although sometimes I am, but it's about this slow and steady change in our way of thinking that gives us tremendous amounts of happiness and satisfaction in what we're doing. what could just be seen as something physical but really is in view of something spiritual. And I wanted to give an example. When my kids were younger, I was cleaning the floor. In Israel, we call it sponga. And one of my kids asked me, "Do you like doing sponga?" So I said, "I love doing sponga." I actually do a little bit like it cuz I love clean floors. So I guess that's the path to clean floors. But I said to him, "What did the kohanim do in the basement?" So he actually started to give me a whole speech about taking out the ashes. I'm like, "Okay, but the base of Mikosh was a slaughter house. So how do they keep it clean?" So he tells me there were grooves on the side of the Azera and they had this stick and then there was another stick they attach at the bottom of it and they would throw water and they would get all the water and all the blood and guts of the carbonos into the grooves and it would roll out of the basement cuz the grooves were slanted. So I said to him, "So Lame said they did sponga and he said, "Yeah." So I said, "Do they like doing sponga?" And he said, "Of course, they fought over all the jobs. There wasn't enough jobs and all the kohanim only served only two weeks in the bay mdasha. So they all fought over the jobs. They had to do a goal for them." So I said, "And since the bamed was destroyed, where did Hashem go?" So they said, "Up up to Shemayim." I said, "No, Hashem broke himself into little pieces." And he put each piece into a Jewish home to watch until the Bamedish would come back. And that's why our homes are called a mikdash ma, like a small bas. I said, "So when I'm doing sponga, I'm just cleaning the B like the kohan do. No more, no less." Because this is where is now. So don't think that they appreciated that concept. It just another start as you mean to go on. Talk spiritually to your kids when they're younger. Eventually it falls in and it doesn't get awkward later where they're like, "Why is mommy all of a sudden talking to me about like nishamos?" But it was also it was a for me, right? And when we are makazic ourselves with these thoughts. So again, a person can clean for a pes and be upset and resentful about it or she could do a reset before and it still be hard and it'll still be challenging but it makes the experience much sweeter if a person even resets and says well cleaning for pes it's a mitzvah even that to like just raise it to the spiritual of just being aware of the fact that it's a mitzvah. And I'm telling you, one of the most important things I think about is that a lot of times when people talk about mindfulness or mindset shifts, it's oh, you choose your mindset. Here you are choosing it, but it happens to be the MS. And people can go through their whole life whining and complaining about how difficult everything is and how hard everything is and how physical everything is. or they can choose not to be oblivious and tap into the importance and the beauty and the again critical nature of what they're doing in terms of being a mother and being an oet hashem and they can have a whole different experience. So what happens to be the truth and a person could be oblivious to the truth and ignore it and just miss out on all the satisfaction that it could bring. And it's really kaval that two people could live two totally different lives doing the same exact thing and have two totally different experience. One positive and fulfilling and one not at all like that. >> Right. And we're anyway going to need to wash the dishes and clean the floors. >> Exactly. You're going to do it anyway. So you might as well tap into not a fake mindset but the actual truth of the world. >> Right. So you're saying that the mindset shift is not it happens to be the truth. Sometimes we have my side shifts and it's like kind of giving us like a pep talk before and this is but it also happens to be the truth. So let's say can you give us like an example just like a practical sentence that you might recommend someone to say before doing a task that they want to try to have a different perspective on. So if it's a motherhood task, if we're talking about that and not let's say well everything could be a motherhood task, but if it's specifically a motherhood task if you are a mother. So I would just think to myself like I'm giving my child security right now and I'm doing something incredible for this human being and it seems so small but all those small actions add up to the greatest thing which is giving them that feeling. >> Yeah. And what if it's like a wife task? When before I had children, I still felt much less because the second you have a kid, >> it becomes much more physical. >> Much more physical. But I still felt like running my own home for the first time and getting used to it. There was still a lot of tasks that I had to get used to. And like I said, I spoke about this in a different episode in the podcast, but I wish I had this knowledge back then to say, okay, I want to clean my home or I'm going to clean my home because it gives both of us more yeshivas and helps us, you know, have seder physically. So have seder spiritually and be able to focus on other things, whatever it is. Honestly, I wish I had this before I had a kid so that when I did have a kid, it would be easier for me when there was even more physical tasks, even more mundane tasks. If I had this kind of like training before I had a kid, it would have made the transition that much easier. I think you're right. Like we should bring dolls into our girls schools and have them practice chaining diapers and see before this is a mitzvah. >> Yeah. >> Right. That's really what we should be doing also along with all the rambans and the ny and everything but like practical things. Yes, exactly. At least 15 minutes a day to train ourselves to >> meaning I definitely agree that you know the moment you have a kid the mundane and physical task like skyrocket. >> Exactly. >> But I definitely felt it before as well. >> First of all, every woman even before they're married it does I'm not saying that the superpower only applies to the people who have kids. It's about womanhood. A woman as child is still an Asia's child if she doesn't have children. >> So this is her power. Every woman's power is going to be to lift the physical to the spiritual for sure. So yeah, we I think that we could definitely do better with the preparation. Although obviously it goes in more when you're actually desperate for it and you need it, right? >> But yes, the more we could prepare our daughters for this, I think the better off they would be. I love it. I'm so excited to try to implement it in my life and I definitely agree with you that the earlier on that girls could have this perspective it helps with the Asia Kyle role that's all we like you said were the kohanim of our own basic dash and we know the kohanim did such physical tasks but they were the holiest so I think that just tying this back to the pak I just want to bring it back to the pak was talking about sewing the two parts of the puzz were talking about sewing and We I we connected it to the fact that women throughout Tanakh sew and they elevate something physical and bring it to the spiritual for example like the sheets of the were the walls of the Mishkan which also for by the way housed Hashem and now Hashem is in our homes and we're not necessarily sewing sheets but we're doing many other things to help Hashem stay in our home. I feel like the main thing that you taught us that was a practical tool that I'm definitely going to walk away with this tool and I hope the listeners also will is to have this reset and to have this mind shift and it doesn't need to be this huge thing. It's right before you do a task and slowly it'll sink in and it'll become more part of your life. That's right. And again, if this could help me, it could help anyone. And it really did turn my life around. This idea of reset and mindset mindset. How long do you feel like it took you since you had this like >> aha moment? >> Well, I mean the actual impact of it again like it happens like right away, you know, like after a few weeks you feel a difference, but after you know 20 years it's going to be really powerful. And now obviously I'm in a much much happier place. I definitely enjoy being a mother to little kids which I still have more than I ever thought I could be. I'm excited to try it and I hope that people listening are excited to try it as well. So, thank you so so much for joining us. Please reach out to us with any emails or questions or thoughts. We would love to hear from you. And please stay tuned for some more good vibes.