Emotional Neglect, Understanding Overcoming, Healing the cycle Rabbi Russell and Rabbi Salomon # 119

hi everybody Welcome to tonight's program thank you for coming from all over the place tonight it's share 119 with Coach so I started every week first of all thanking everybody for uh letting people know about this year and posting on WhatsApp statuses emailing it around and Berkshire tonight's here I can tell you I've seen it all over the place I think we're running around the world so thank you very much for that and tonight we're gonna have a very powerful share with him it should be a tremendous to Ellis to help a lot of people and to make a lot of awareness um again if anybody wants to join every Sunday we send out a WhatsApp uh a flyer you can WhatsApp me at 848-525-0066 or you can and say my number and I'll send you every Sunday the Flyers and if you want you can go to coach.com he has a weekly email list he sends you every Sunday this year with with the recordings so you can go there and sign up as well if anybody's gonna listen to this share the recap on uh YouTube you can click on the Subscribe button for Coachman awesome and also click on the like button and every Sun every Monday morning when I come right two o'clock in the morning it gets uploaded and you can watch it there but first also thank all our advertising sponsors for every week promoting us all over the web first the Lakewood Scoop here over here in Lakewood for promoting us special thank you to uh Robin Universal Zach Ellie and Ariel from Five Town Central and special uh special thanks to Kyla Kaufman and shmuel Summer from jcn the Jewish content Network for always promoting us across all the digital platforms again if anybody's here the first time every Sunday night at 9 30 Eastern time we have different theorem of different topics different abundant therapists most amazing people version that come on and uh again we always tell about what's coming next week we just confirm today next week October 30th 9 30 we have a show again with Gary Newman I don't know if anybody knows Gary Newman who was on once before it's a world famous therapist he's he's one of the TV therapists he's been on Oprah many times and uh he's one of the most he's one of the biggest therapists in the in the in the national uh you know world so uh he'll be on before the topic will be the key differences between successful and failed couples so uh should be a very powerful share please join let people know about it everybody can use physic so please join us next week for Gary Newman tonight we have discussed in the honor of having I'm going to say a combined total of 60 years together at Russell am I correct am I offer on that should be ready salmon alone okay so probably closer to 200 years experience of dealing with clients and therapists and the reason why we brought out the two the two legends over here is because tonight's topic I I I feel you know you need many many years of dealing with people it's a very like underlying topic but I wanted to go we wanted to go to the big one so much we'll get there and uh we brought out the big guns Robert Russell from artists are alive boycottai 4 30 in the morning and we have Rebecca Solomon all the way far far from Lakewood thank you for coming on I know it's very late for you but we appreciate it everybody tonight's here show 119. in the commercial we came out with is illuminayak you know what's the what's the word um well for kids we're always here for our children we try for our children and we make mistakes and we try to grow so that's why we're here tonight not Shem we're gonna start our first for the opening with Coach monachum what are we doing here tonight thank you thank you very much yes I do want to welcome Robbie Russell whenever Solomons um before we start I want to welcome everyone back it's been uh two and a half weeks and I want to wish everyone a good uh everybody wherever they are and after the Young toivan and I say young time is the time that therapists get to hear a lot of different things from different people it's out of routine and there could be a lot of triggers and uh some people could be calling out for help tonight tonight's topic is a is a sensitive one Cen childhood emotional neglects some people are aware of the term some not but um it's not always easy to see it and we're going to hear much more about it but I just want to mention it could be it's possible that you grew up in a real abusive home dysfunctional and everything looks wrong and you still don't have that that uh criteria of childhood emotional neglect how and then there could be some people who grew up in the beautiful beautiful home and if you talk to them they would say there was nothing wrong everything was amazing they had the food the shelter clothing whatever they needed and it could be that they do suffer and are going through that what we're going to be discussing tonight so there could be a person they might say you know but Hashem I'm fine I'm fine and at the end you find out that there is something there and again we're not here to blame anybody we're going to hear a little bit about survivors the holocausts is any you know any faults and this and that it's just Hashem who's the one who's doing all of this exactly where we where we are and it's you know you become aware of something this is what's how you grow up or it could be teachers whatever it is becoming aware of where it comes from and the main thing is to to look out what does Hashem want for me now you are in the exact place where you need to be ashamed with you and this family Hashem for you in this situation now what does Hashem want from me now that's the question what do we want some healing and it affects the relationship with our parents our spouse our kids at work it can affect school over and what we're looking for is to become aware and to start the healing Journey so that we don't continue with this cycle which if we're not aware and we're walking around saying I'm fine and I'm doing exactly what my parents did because that's what I saw and I think that's right basically continuing the same cycle so it could be tricky not easy to figure out that this something has to change and that's all we have tonight with us Robbie Russell and Robert Solomon which I believe have a lot of experience they deal with this in and out many hours of the day and between the two of you to to challenge each other debate to see you know the way you look at it the way you get the other look at it and eventually we come out with some some ideas of how we can take it to the next level how we can take it to the healing even though it might be a process and not so easy but and it's a shame with a lot of so thank you very much for being with us tonight we should hear what we need to hear Mr Shem okay beautiful opening okay so the next year again the topic is feel like you're running on empty understanding overcoming and fixing the cycle of childhood emotional neglect right some people according to the Cen before we get into it I just want to mention a few things quickly um number one River Russell is a middle of finishing a book that's called Shimmer Russell raising a loving family written by Salman Goldstein um but also I think it's in it's not in print yet right it's on pre-order am I correct it's in a carton on the way to on the way to America on the way to America so I think the website is www.raising a lovingfamily.com I think you can go there it's being published by fell down if you want to pre-order it Rabbi Russell it's a good book so should we buy it you'll read it you'll tell me afterwards okay so everybody grab a copy we'll make sure we'll send it on the email so everybody can get the links and try to get the book I want to give a little history over here then we'll go into fresh start with the sponsor a little history over here for a minute so coach Menachem started a little going back 119th year ago when we first started this year we had we did a little local thing and then we had our own um friend Mordecai Weinberg gave the first year then what happened was Robert Salman we're going to repeat this again because we have to clarify it I called raviaco Solomon and he was very very sick then with covet it was deathly sick am I correct pretty much pretty much yeah and he told me I would never say yes but because I just came out of the hospital I said I'm gonna do something I'm gonna come on to share that was Rebecca Osama and he came on it was a beautiful share about Hashem that helped catapult it and then what I did was I reached out to this wants to listen if yaakov Solomon came on so you know you gotta come on so now 119. your fault his faults I got you both now now everything's squared away so that's just a little bit the history of this year and the reason why we chose this topic and I just want to clarify it again is because we had to share with Robbie Russell and Rabbi Chase Taub talking about different types of you know internal issues that people going through and remember Russell says from all the different traumas people went through it was literally at the end of a two and a half hour three hours year he said a two-minute comment and the amount of emails and feedback we got from this comment triggered this year and this is going back right almost probably over a year and finally we we set a date and we decided we're going to really tackle this topic but Russell said the worst forms of abuse is called emotional neglect and he said that that type of neglect which we didn't really discuss that night is could be the most painful hurtful feeling for many reasons which we'll discuss tonight but I just want everybody to know that this is a very powerful topic very relevant to a lot of people and I'm very happy that we took it on it's something like I feel like a little bit under the radar but so Core Essence of so many issues so thank you for taking that out I don't know if you're on and make sure everything is on Lion Man yes run okay perfect so we'll go into the sponsor tonight we'll go to the little history over there So Fresh Start is an intensive seven day Retreat to design for men and women right that who want to understand and process and heal from unresolved trauma neglect and abuse describe our participants as a life transforming and Oasis of healing the Fresh Start Retreat it's the first of its kind in the Orthodox from Jewish World develop under the guidance and Leadership of a team of world-renowned trauma experts licensed clinical therapist Dr robot him to combine proven treatment principles with authentic Torah values you can go to the website it's www.the fsrc.com right which is the Fresh Start what is that f f recovery Recovery Center retreat center right and Rabbi Russell I think you're the Clinical Director of Fresh Start am I correct yeah some say that some say that so maybe just for a few minutes explain what it is or get into it a little bit so I think I think it's relevant and I was going to mention this now I've gotten calls from people that have been there and they said it's been a life-changing transformation for them just to find their inner selves so I I happen to have been in the place not as the client not yet I haven't been in Detroit and I visited it so I found it to be a beautiful place but uh maybe take a poll I know you always take polls how many people think it's time for Oshie to come to Fresh Start everybody I'm gonna give you my Gmail address okay thank you Oshi it's um it's an honor to just spend a few minutes here amongst uh so many amazing people um to your point Rabbi Russell Rabbi Solomon a tremendous brother on tonight's um uh very sensitive yet incredibly important topic so I speak on behalf of myself probably many of us we'd much rather be on the listening side of this discussion than being in the position you're in so uh tonight um so oh she is eventually my name is I had this list of co-founding Fresh Start that's just less than two years ago together with Shima Russell and a Mrs tobacorn from Detroit um how it came about is all Yad Hashem um I don't think any of us ever imagined that um maybe the experts in the field knew the need was there but um the uh the impact that that uh we've been able to have and helpful people going through incredible life challenges as bar Hashem been very meaningful um you know yesterday at a Kiddush somebody asked me a regalajas to explain what's the if I had to give one thesis of what stands behind Fresh Start what is that and I've I never had such a question so I had to think about it um and what I ended up telling him was is that everybody thinks that our task at Fresh Start is a challenging one five people at a time come together for seven days we experience a lot of pain we hear a lot of you know abuse neglect trauma I mean the stories are are difficult um and what I remind them is that the truth is our job isn't as difficult as people think it is because within every single human being there's a spark of the neighbors there we just had in last week's parcel um it's all the military and really our job at Fresh Start is not to create anything it's simply to uncover the greatness Within every human being that everybody has um so while to the untrained audience seems like we have to create a new person really those of us in the trauma space in the field and the askanis of helping people in pain truly see an amazing and incredible human being behind it and that was the goal of fresh start again built with uh personal um inspiration from the uh co-founders as well as Rabbi Russell's um guidance and with the help of Hashem were able to bring on incredible experts around the world in the field it's a seven day intensive the goal is to cut out one to three years of therapy and we do that by hopefully doing three things number one is giving our participants a level of awareness that they've never had before number two by providing them with the set of tools with how they can re-enter life and you know go through the daily experiences without falling off the rails like they normally do and most importantly it becomes a road map uh as Rabbi Russell always points out to us for what future healing and for what their specific Journey looks like and as many participants have said you know I might still be in the dark but for the first time in my life I have a lighthouse and I know the direction I'm going and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel um as as uh robushi mentioned our website is www.thefsrc.com we take five people at a time men and women are separate obviously is all from Torah base cosris Etc we've run one session a month for women one session a month for men um our phone number is 248-301-997 if anybody's interested in learning more hearing more about it feel free to reach out call email visit our website and um we should be able to heal those who who need healing and um hopefully talks like this will eliminate the number of people that need to make use of our services somebody texted it's worth going just to see if and I'm just letting you know somebody texted me that thank you as you said that okay okay so we have our Sherman Russell gonna go first I have his bio forever also I'm not going to read it because if they don't know your bio then they should just like I guess whatever so Russell open it up please okay thank you well first of all it's a pleasure to be back again and uh you know I when we started doing this program I don't think any of us had a sense of the kind of impact it could have and uh I realized it's very humbling to realize how many people watch take this seriously learn something and alter their lives it's really extraordinary and I well just want to thank you for this opportunity because I I think it's it's just extraordinary as you said OSHA when we did that program uh Chase was doing uh that program rugby talbon um on trauma and he asked me to join and we spoke and right at the end it was odd that we'd gone through so many different mentions so in different types of traumas and then at the very end it dawned on me we hadn't spoken about what I considered to be the worst form or perhaps one of the worst forms of complex trauma emotional neglect and I threw it in as you said in two minutes to the end and the astonishing number of emails that came in from people who resonated to that comment on what that meant and how it affected them was quite honestly it was overwhelming I mean literally hundreds of emails so we know this is a serious serious subject a very sensitive subject and will hopefully get into it and explain it and also give some encouragement to his work and I drop that this is not a course we're not going to fix the world's problems with emotional neglect tonight we're going to give a primer some thoughts ideas insight and together that hopefully people will take these ideas and run with it learn go to your therapist read do more work but overcome it because it's an Insidious form of hurt and danger that destroys and really destroys the potential for a full life my biggest concern I have to tell you that I I approached tonight with a certain degree of trepidation when doing a program like this my biggest concern is not to hurt anyone because it's very easy for us to give descriptions of what this is and how it happens and and really damage and hurt people who will walk away confused conflicted or blaming looking at their parents and blaming them um I'm really worried I'll be honest though in some way this presentation tonight could be distorted and end up hurting people unnecessarily so I'm putting it out there that I think we need to walk all throughout the evening very sensitively in a way that we don't cause unnecessary harm see on the one hand as far as I see it no normal parents deliberately emotionally neglected their children all parents whatever they did Mo almost all normal parents as I see it did what they thought was best to help their children they may not have had the knowledge awareness or understanding of their own internal programs of how they were doing it and the Damage it was causing but no parents set out dafka to try and hurt their kids nor were they aware that what they were doing was hurting their kids and they decided to ignore it that's just not true for almost all parents on the other hand we have the reality that many children adult now adults are seriously struggling with the impact of their own childhood emotional neglect the impact of that on their lives was really destructive and they know it and they're going through life with a tremendous heaviness and loneliness with internal conflict and pain and shame and this is where it comes from so it's very on the one hand we have to support a guide and give his hook encouragement and and insight to those suffering with it at the same time if it comes out that in some way we're blaming knocking I'm afraid we're going to hurt we could end up hurting more than we're helping so we have to find balance not blame education and where and awareness not condemnation the fact is we have to consider that life is challenging we all sometimes all of us sometimes emotionally neglect our children that doesn't necessarily traumatize them what does traumatize children is the consistent pattern of emotional neglects throughout their childhood that causes the trauma like with all complex trauma it's the the fact that it happens again and again and again that causes the damage in the hung we all do it sometimes I could be completely Frank and honest that due to factors beyond our control my wife and I are aware that we did this to some of our children it's it's a messiest the sometimes impossible not to and most of them we're simply not aware of it what instead of blame for those who are listening who realize perhaps this is what I'm doing take responsibility we often work with the concepts of responsibility and accountability accountability that's in hashem's hands because knows what family he puts you on the shaman he knows how and where you grew up accountability that's in hashem's hands responsibility that's fully analogous and for those of us that can learn from the conversation tonight had to limit stop repair and learn to go to our children talk to our children about what happened and find ways to heal the damage take responsibility acknowledge the truth and help the damage if we can do that we'll have done some really Godly work tonight so as we walk through this this is just as an introduction it's heavy on my heart that we really inadvertently hurt and I think we have to make sure that that doesn't happen cannot happen or whatever else of that opening we'll turn it over to a yak of Solomon Flores Simon that was just uh I didn't know what you were going to say to open up but it was so important I really um I was gonna skip that but that's the last thing we want to do and with something like this this is a topic that is so sensitive it's so sensitive because it really is rampant it it happens so much the question is in degree and if it if it if it reaches the blame area then we're we're going in in the wrong direction the first thing I want to do is take care of the emotional needs of ushaparnas and ushaparnas as a daughter of cerebella whose birthday is today and Usher parnis is not there for his daughter's birthday but believe me he is very capable of of attending to her needs if you would ask her if she was on here she would testify that her father is very capable of that but she's having a birthday today I only know this because my daughter was her teacher last year Maura gold the amazing motor gold was her teacher last year and even teachers attend to the emotional needs of the children more and more so because school is much more important than it ever was so the moras and the rebellum are also involved really in bringing up the children and they're also involved in attending to their needs and into their emotional needs so I wanted to wish happy birthday to Sarah Baylor Finance that's number one um number two what I wanted to say is that I wanted to thank uh Usher and or Menachem for inviting me back I've been on twice or a bunch of you mentioned I was on right in the beginning when we were just getting going and it was very exciting then and here we are a couple years later I wanted I wanted to thank you for an unusual reason and that is because frankly I didn't know much about this topic before you asked me to come up which was a couple of months ago actually I knew about it but I hadn't given it a a term I've seen it a lot uh and my preparation from uh for this program uh allowed me to gain a tremendous amount of knowledge and sensitivity to the topic and it enriches my life enriches my practice and I I notice it more and more as I'm learning more about it myself I'm noticing more and more and I'm not yet an expert at trying to help people and get coming back from it but I'm I'm getting much better at recognizing it and being able to point out to people what's happening and I think I'm trim and you'll agree that is at least half if not more than than the beginning of the road back if you don't notice it if you know I'm not aware of it it's it's not gonna happen I was personally uh to grow up with uh parents who were very loving and very uh they were Holocaust Survivors uh my father uh al-bashalam was in six different concentration camps he was born in Poland in Galicia and uh survived the war miraculously of course and came in as a Broken Man emotionally it's fair to say that he was bereft of all emotion almost as you as one might expect and yet he remarried and started a family with my mother who was from antwer Belgium originally I want to give you one example of of parenting with emotion so we could contrast a little bit my mother Allah Shalom she was a cultured person grew up in Antwerp she was a uh uh she went to universities in Belgium uh the finest universities and she ran from the Nazis in 1938 left Belgium was hiding in France for several years and came here on The Last Ship from Portugal came to the New York Shores in 1943 and my mother Shalom was a very very special as I say cultured woman she was also musical she played piano and she was actually tone deaf that's not Russian horror she was tone deaf I mean if you heard her sing you would just she would break up the crowd it would be hilarious but she could play piano I don't know how she did it but she played piano beautifully and of course she wanted me to play piano as well so when I was very young 10 or 11 years old she got me piano lessons and I thank frankly I flourished I I was a a I would say a child prodigy but I played very nicely of course then 12 years old came and when 12 years old boys come they're not so interested in piano anymore I began I was interested in the New York Mets and the New York Knicks and everything but music and Midtown mall I stopped and my mother was crushed she was crushed I said I want no piano she was crushed no question about it then I knew it but I just didn't have any interest and she was very disappointed Flash Forward three years I was 15 years old now I'll make this very brief um if I'm allowed to say it on this program I was watching television at 15 years old and I saw a program called the Smothers Brothers now if I see any any nodding heads in the audience some of you might remember the Smothers Brothers I fell in love with the Smothers Brothers and Tommy Smothers was playing a banjo a banjo on television and I was enthralled I said wow this is this is my calling I ran into the kitchen I called my mother and I brought her into the living room to the to the television I pointed to Tommy Smothers playing the banjo and I said to my mother this is what I want to play my mother a cultured woman from Antwerp looked at Tommy Smothers with the banjo playing and looked at me I thought she would pass out on the spot she didn't say a word one week later she passed by my room she had a little piece of paper and she wrote on a piece of paper something and she put it into my hand I opened up the piece of paper and it said Roy smack 845 West End Avenue Friday 1 pm I was later to learn that Roy Smith was a banjo teacher he was a superstar banjo teacher retired Vaudeville man my mother it must have pained her to no end but she went and found me a banjo teacher that's what she did this is attending to my emotional needs I hugged her like you never saw the love that that came through and said and and she just said to me it's gonna kill me but you're gonna have banjo lessons and the rest is history so to speaking those of you who know me no I still play banjo and ukulele Etc so I I bored you with a long story I'm sorry I apologize but I'm trying to give you a picture that attending to emotional needs as a very wide spectrum very wide spectrum and it's a very difficult and it's an amorphous kind of topic you need to really tune into it to be able to understand it's a feeling that people have I would say that it's unspecific people uh who have gone through emotional neglect they they cannot even describe it they they have phrases that they use like um I don't know how I feel or what's the point they say a lot like I don't feel anything I'm I'm lazy they're very passive they would say um whatever you want is fine with me they don't really have conviction they don't really have opinions they they feel like they don't want to intrude they can be very giving because they want to help others because everyone else is more important than them a lot of people confuse it with depression and there is some element I believe of clinical depression in this there is an element of that but it's not exactly the same you see it in the behavior as I mentioned from Menachem earlier behavior is the car that you drive it's the behaviors that you do but emotion is the engine that's the engine of the car you don't see the engine the hood is closed you see the car you see the car going but it's getting its power from the engine the behaviors that we do come from our emotions our emotions is what dictate how we're going to behave that's why it's so important that's why it's important for the parent to attend to the emotional needs to learn about them and if you're a person who has gone through this it is likely two things it is likely that your parents also went through that it is likely that they did not have their emotional needs met from their parents and number two it is likely that you will pass this on like it or not to your children and that's something you don't want to do and the more aware of what of it that you are the better off you're going to be the better off your children are going to be and the more aware of it that you are you will find that you will be able to take steps towards pushing this to the side it's not going to go away completely it's not magical but there are ways to be able to function better to get in touch with your emotions and be able to express them and then also to listen and attend to your children's emotions that's all I'm going to speak about tonight wow powerful okay we're gonna take a little poll and a lot of questions came in people are texting let me just clarify tonight anybody has questions uh there's two Washington's text Usher Partners Dash questions your questions obviously live questions go first we'll try to get to as many live questions as we could tonight but um just letting you know from the amount of emails we got um we could do this until about six seven in the morning until we go down I think the seeking 717 and we're also you'll catch one uh okay let's start with the poll we'll just get everybody warmed up a little bit it's a two question Paul answer to the best of your holiday to what you think number one do you think emotional neglect is a real problem that affects people or it's just another excuse one yes it's a very serious issue that can destroy a person option two it's an issue but not nothing seriously especially compared to hold on one second especially compared to real abuse so I mean it's an issue it's emotional but real abuse people that are really abused you can't compare that or option three it's another made up mental issue to keep the blame game going just answer what you feel what you think you know it's not it's not it's not a test number two what are the effects what are the adult effects of childhood neglect four options a feeling of sadness and loneliness internal loss of confidence and inadequate three not being able to be a good loving parent or option D all the above plus more to answer those two questions just to get a feeling of what you think and then we will share it with everybody and um and then we will get into it yeah Robert Salman you're right about question two yes yeah yeah you knew that I knew that but I want people to say it I know okay so I'm gonna end the poll in a few seconds one second most people voted let's give me one more minute okay five four three two one Okay so basically very clear answers do you think emotional neglect is a real problem that can affect people or just another excuse so whopping 86 everybody here tonight feels yes it's a serious issue that can destroy a person only 12 feel that it's an issue but nothing serious compared to real abuse and only two percent of people feel it's another made-up mental issue to keep the blame blame game going number two what are the adult effects of child neglect four percent feeling of sadness and loneliness 13 internal loss of confidence and inadequateness four percent not being able to be a good parent and again like Robert said my son in this bowl and he said everybody's gonna choose D obviously and 79 of people shows all of the above plus more so uh Solomon Russell anybody want to comment on these two polls before we get into the questions yeah the result numbers right that's right he has just under his belt 60 years of experience of course right let's jump in let's go let's let's start okay let's start with the first question a lot of questions came in let's jump into it okay it was emotional neglect why is it considered abuse can we start there so we let's let's let's yeah let's get a little you know maybe maybe let me do it with a question I have a question that will lay it out but that that's really the the just the question as a good parent I find myself at wits end with my kids streaming demanding and being tough when I'm being honest with myself my kids are just normal kids I don't have an abusive home I didn't I I didn't have such an abusive home but definitely not loving either what are some signs that you may be suffering from emotional neglect please clarify what emotional neglect is and what it you know what it really is well do you mind if I jump in you know okay so look let's let's clarify the parameters of what we're talking about we we did we talked about trauma on the uh the other program and discussed that this emotional neglect is part of what we consider complex trauma trauma as I remind everyone every time we talk about it trauma was a word in Hebrew or Aramaic or Yiddish we had to type it into English we had to translate it into English the word trauma what it really refers to is disconnect who protects us built into us a mechanism whereby we disconnect from that which terrifies us or horrifies US or frightens us we disconnect from it that's what trauma does for us it disconnects us to keep us safe in emotional neglect unfortunately the TR the primary tragedy of emotional neglect is that a person doesn't feel safe even with themselves they feel disconnected from themselves the difficulty in confronting and facing and treating emotional neglect is there's frequently no event nothing happened there was no events that happened that you can point your finger at and say this is the event that caused me so much harm that makes me so frightened and therefore you can work on that event when you have an event you can understand it work on it and it's much much easier to heal from it complex trauma in general is difficult to heal from not impossible but difficult because it's a multitude a myriad of micro traumas in the case of emotional neglect the each micro trauma is something that you can't point point your finger at is what didn't happen more than what did happen what didn't happen was an Attunement to your feelings a child grows up without realizing it not feeling seen not being known and because of that they feel that their internal sense of self is undermined is underdeveloped I'm not sure who I am I'm not sure how to trust if my feelings weren't reflected back to me if my parents didn't tune into and show me that they were considerate of and thoughtful of how I'm feeling and what I'm feeling well how do I know to trust my own feelings how do I know to even recognize what I'm feeling and to trust it and to recognize therefore who I am because who I am is how I feel that's the essence of my sense of self so if I don't know who I am if I'm not confident in how I feel that my feelings are valid that I'm not confident in my sense of self and if I'm not confident in my sense of self well how do I do relationships how do I trust relationships if I'm not sure who I am to begin with or whether I can really trust myself it ends up with people feeling horribly disconnected from themselves and from their society you can be in a room a person with childhood emotional neglect will know the feeling of being in a room like in a symphet amongst lots and lots of people in a crowded place and feeling terribly alone feeling terribly isolated feeling terribly disconnected if your parents didn't notice value or respond to your emotions or they questioned your emotions when you expressed them then the unintentionally sent a message to you that your feelings don't matter or there's something wrong with the way you feel frequently to cope with it you learn to bury your feelings or trans or to transform unacceptable emotions and feelings like anger into acceptable ones like anxiety or depression as Ravi Solomon mentioned earlier emotional neglect as I said mostly happens in the spaces between things where we're not tuned into felt or heard and in such cases it leaves a person feeling empty disconnected and in search of knowing themselves feeling safe with themselves trusting their feelings and of course if you don't trust your feelings you don't trust yourself and if you don't trust yourself your life is enormously challenging this is the burden of emotional neglect is why it's such an important subject because it ends up affecting the Core Essence of who you are which you then carry through life until you deal with it and treat it I just can add if there was there was uh comprehensive Sherman um beautifully done I just will add that um I I think the key word if I had to pick one out is the emptiness the emptiness that is that is so profound um uh sometimes uh you might put it like it's like I mentioned music before it's like being a musician in a world without music you you have no place you you have no you have no structure you you don't have a a a a a a sufficient ego or a sense of self to be able to feel like you have something to really contribute and that and that you matter because my feelings don't matter then I don't matter that that's that's that's the bottom line and uh child would express feelings in a dysfunctional home like this they would be seen as overreacting like what is this you know why if you're expressing feeling you're you're just overreacting if you're asking for help then it's an expression of weakness uh why would one Express help it's a it's an emotion I feel I mean I need help no you're weak uh I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling you're overreacting uh you're you're a dreamer you're you're a crybaby uh you may things like this it's a it's a discounting of of the feeling it's a lack of recognition that feelings count and that they matter so the child gets gets pushed away pushed to the side and a child being a child who eventually rather quickly I would I would say just uh concludes that they don't matter they really don't then I guess I don't either and uh and and then of course it's devastating yeah can I jump in on that uh but look not noticing the essence of it is not noticing or caring enough to tune into how our children feel when we grew up it was it you know it's a very different world today than today's children you know that's a history lesson of how the world changed but we all know the world changed but we grew up with a lot of this stuff that somehow we coasted through and we kind of managed that's not true today telling a child I'll give you a few examples The Cove there's covert and over it oh Birds is the obvious ones where we say things like for example a child says a feeling and the parent would say you don't really feel like that what what is the parent trying to do they're trying to reassure guides direct encourage and build their child to deal with it you don't really feel that way you see again if you said that one time ever no no I'm not sure it's gonna cause much harm but if that's your go-to when you see a child feeling a certain way that you're not happy about or telling your child ah it wasn't that bad it's not worth getting upset about that stop being so dramatic right all these kind of lines if it happens once every now and again no no you know not the end of the world but when that's your go-to when you when your children's feelings scare you they express feelings maybe feelings about religious observance and they're little I don't want to wash you know telling a child you shouldn't feel that way the child says to you I hate school and telling them you really shouldn't feel like that of course the parents scared they're frightened about what's the implications of a child saying I hate school but not realizing that tuning into it is the way you actually deal with it and help them with it and help them overcome it they're expressing feelings find out why they hate school but not you shouldn't feel that way even the most simple most honestly quite ridiculous when you think about it reflecting backwards that your child you serve broccoli for supper and your child says I hate broccoli and the parent says what do you mean broccoli is good for you it's full of vitamins broccoli is great eat your broccoli now we probably grew up that way I don't know we didn't have broccoli growing up so let's say we did whatever it was you know but telling your child that you don't feel that way your teacher was mean to you I'm sure your teacher didn't mean anything or I don't like davening you shouldn't feel like that it's just valification disqualification of feelings and telling the children that your feelings are invalid and then as bad as all those things are and they're terrible when done consistently we're done as the go-to by a parent to try and change the way your child looks as bad as that is it's nowhere near as damage it as the covert child emotional neglect by not tuning in not noticing not right like in your case with the banjo it's such a touching and beautiful Story I mean just beautiful because you know for most people it was don't what do you need this nourish kite what is this right right instead of that the atonement is such a touching a profound story because that's Attunement and carrying through and tuning into how children feel is how we help them grow up with confidence and security and knowing themselves denying the feelings and as I said much worse not noticing that that's how they feel ignore what they're feeling and valuing what they're feeling denies and prevents the development of a secure sense of self of knowing oneself and if you don't know yourself I feel secure with who you are well you journey through life is going to be challenging and tragic you're going to carry suitcases with emotional burden yeah if we can take it to the next level the example that you gave let's say a child says I hate school I don't want to go to school the parents are scared they just you know the bus is coming in two minutes or I can't talk about it what would how should they work on it what's the the beginning of the response the healthy response coach I just spoke would you like to speak first time well in two minutes before the bus comes there's not much you can do uh so that may not be the time that to set it but you know it it's just the fact that when that child comes home from school uh seven hours later that the parent will remember what she said uh before she you know before you got on the bus this morning you said something and I wanted to discuss that with you just the fact that you remember it is already uh uh accounting for her feelings everybody's saying that this is something valuable to talk about no matter what you say I I I I'm gonna divert for a second when you said that things have changed in terms of how we grow up you know and so I'm starting to think about what has changed and one of the things strikes me and I think this might frighten some parents but one of the things that strikes me is that one of the main things that has changed is that we just don't have patience anymore we're so busy we're so we've been busy with our phones and busy with our our appointments and and three jobs and large families and for good reasons sometimes but we're so busy that we don't even notice we're not even listening to what they're saying we're not we're not we're not it doesn't even enter into it's it's how do I take care of this how do I uh you know fold up the tablecloth and toss it into the garbage how do I you know because we have to be efficient we have to save time we have to move on we have so many other things to do and we have 12 simchas to go to tonight and we have a shiver we have so much that was going on that feelings get get just placed way way way into the back background so that they're not that what this we just don't have time for it now this is the healthiest people from the healthiest parents who are not did not suffer from it from their themselves but the realities of life somehow have placed feelings emotions away in the background you know we don't have to deal with this let's just you know wrap it up and move on you know don't you think that that's one of the things that has changed and makes it so difficult well there's no question that that is definitely one of the things that's changed is that we are distracted we're we're in a world distracted apparent but we're so our minds are so distracted on so many different things but really I was referring to let's say in addition to that the world of children has changed you know I have long dresses on that this is not the time or place for for this Russia maybe another time but in the history of the world since somewhere in the end of the 50s and 60s the world changed where the nature and needs of children children's children became their status internal status of children worldwide sort of became elevated and equalized with adults where children see themselves as equals to adults the idea of being seen and not heard is gone that's gone it's Victorian that world is over in the world we live today you know world the world where children react strongly it's crucial in this world that we tune into our kids feeling and it's so simple like Menachem is asking you know what do you do when he's you you tell immediately tell your child your feelings are important to me I hear you telling me I just hate you saying it and when you get back from school we're going to talk about it this is important and then as Ravi Solomon said you make sure that you actually follow through and do that we have to stop being afraid of how our children feel in the world most of us grew up in children's feelings were unite and we were so to speak reorganized in the way we feel by our parents that is not a way to bring up children anymore the way that children will deal with their feelings especially especially they're conflictual or negative feelings is by being heard as a matter of fact all the research shows that when you tune into your children and you keep tuning into how they feel and why they feel that way they themselves will most times get over those feelings because they understand what their obligations they know they've got to go to school tuning into their feelings about it doesn't impel them not to go to school it actually helps get deeper inside what's troubling them so they can resolve the issues put it in perspective and go back to school so we have to realize that it is not indulgent it is not actually empowering those feelings in children when we tune into it it's the exact opposite it gives them a chance to process those feelings and and the more we do that and tune into it and show them we care about it the more they then turn to us afterwards having expressed why they don't want to go to school and then say to us but tati what am I going to do I gotta go to school how do I deal with this how shall I deal with this they turned to ask for that when we show them their feelings matter but more importantly if I can say this more important even than the event is what we're doing in building their sense of self and showing them they matter and your feelings are valued that's I can't even express how profound that is for that few function live get married build a life and a purpose and meaning is is dependent on them having a solid sense of self which comes from us tuning into their feelings beautiful okay Robert Salman Rabbi Russell we're just getting warmed up okay you guys ready yep but we've got some live questions we have a lot of questions we have to cover a lot of different angles over here it's not there's a lot of things we're going to cover so uh the first Live question you're on let's go first of all thank you so much um I really felt that your explanation was very validating and my question is that from my experience having Face childhood trauma with no Emotional Love and connection so I struggle with um I struggle with with proper um connection and I continue to fight to feel validated because like the other day a relative asked me if I had called my parents to wish a gajamtus which makes me feel like I'm judged and it's kind of inappropriate for her to ask me that so it's really challenging to heal when really what a person needs most is love and warmth and yeah it's an uphill battle finding validation within in a world that just seems continuously judge and it's something that I struggle with a lot I might jump in I didn't hear a question but I heard the very sensitive group of feelings and pain and and I hear you you are obviously exactly what we're talking about a very fine person who's struggling with this sense of self can I ask you a question that I'd like your Ensemble would that be okay sure okay I wonder what would have happened if that relative had called you and said to you I understand why it may be so so hard for you to call your parents and wish them good yantus I noticed how you grew up and I'm so sorry for what I saw and couldn't do anything about it and it must be very hard for you do you think you might want to do that more or less call them if someone spoke to you like that like that for sure I would want to do it more yeah you see what you've just said is it just it just makes me so proud of the human Spirit of the way we all are that what we really need right now in our lives is the Attunement of validation for what we went through which actually frees us to do the right thing the thing we really want to do the thing we really crave to do the thing that our brain tells us we should be doing that we can't do without the emotional validation and support and understanding of our feelings and look what happens the moment you get validated you actually on your own without being patronized or told what to do you step forward and want to do it I think it's so it's such a beautiful Testament to what this work is all about that if you can get that validation and get if we can offer that to each other that validation and support it frees us to be the person we really want to be thank you so much for your comments thank you I appreciate it very much this topic is something that I feel will really help a lot of people and I think it'll help the world to understand and recognize the fact that just loving and warm and Care will help people move on much quicker exactly exactly it's an excellent point you know I wanted to I think rib Sherman you you know as I know in our many years of work let's keep it at many that in couples therapy uh we do this all the time and we try to teach the couples that they need to validate each other's feelings in the marriage and some of the resistance that we get I'm sure you have it the same as I do is that people mistake I just want to say it very clearly that people mistake valid validation for agreement and they and they feel like if I can't validate because I don't agree with her and you need we need to uh need to teach people that they're very different they're very You can disagree and validate at the same time you know and and when we do this with our children or as you pointed out with this woman who was you know who is being judged in that way it just as you say just validating her feeling doesn't mean that it's correct doesn't mean that you're right doesn't mean that you're the same I feel exactly the same as you it just means that you matter and your opinion matters and your and your position is is worthwhile not nothing more than that and that is the gas if we spoke about the car and the engine the validation is the gas that goes into the engine which then moves the car and you can't move without the gas that's the whole energy that's where it comes from it's not rocket science it's Rocket Fuel that's what it is we spoke about this together at the last question of Chicago that's right on this exact subject of validation when you look at the word validation the the word is valid what does valid means it means you're a valid person when you tune into someone's emotions and feelings a child you're telling them you're valid as a person that's the of your sense of self now of course as a parent it doesn't mean I agree you should never go to school again right you hate school I get that let's talk about it let's discuss it let's work that out and what's absolutely extraordinary with children as it was with this wonderful lady who just came on it's the same thing that as you validate the feelings the child themselves tends to orient towards fixing the problem themselves which is remarkable it means such a we Unleash the Power of healing and growth is actually remarkable remarkable absolutely I just want to mentioned I'm getting a tremendous amount of text anybody who's texting there's a lot of questions coming in a lot of comments text us aparna's questions there's a big wait I'm gonna do a few more live then we'll go to some of the pre-questions also take a Live question you're on hi um thank you very very much and I have to say that I don't have children at risk or like titled and pain and I've listened to just about every single share of Rabbi Russell's um and it's helped me tremendously connect with my children to try and prevent that kind of um circumstance so I really appreciate all the information um with that I will say that I I'm in my 30s and I had um over two decades of sexual abuse from a a relative of mine and um of course my parents have tremendous guilt that they didn't have proper attachment with me and that's why I was abused Etc um my message I guess um together with a question is my message is that my parents are unbelievable people and they are right now in their 60s and they are learning tremendous amounts by different books I got them they always want more information on connection and healthy attachment and and they're they're really helping me heal um I I've been to many therapists and with the help of those many therapists I would say it's a 50 50 um it's a 50 50 go um that parents should never underestimate their ability however old they are and I'm sure there are many hundreds of people listening that are over the age of 40 50 60 even 70 and and they should never underestimate their ability to make that repair and to to properly attach to their even adult child it's it's it's it's incredible the the the I mean the healing that has come just from that alone just from a parent to call and say I know you're in pain and I hear you and I couldn't hear you then and I hear you now and I want to know what you have to say and know you're not a drama queen and know you're not over dramatic and know you're not overly sensitive those phrases to hear from the parent themselves is priceless so I wanted to just share that um I I with that I I have a specific question about a certain child of mine I am very emotionally in touch with my children with a lot of guidance and I have one child who really resists um praise compliments she's extremely bright Beyond her years and um and I want to know how could I get through to that child whenever I validate her she pushes it away she doesn't appreciate it should I just keep doing it or or should I try and back down and just do like hugs that you'll accept Better Than Words um you know different comments that I don't want to share publicly that she says that are you know scary for for a parent to hear um calling out for attention and attachment what um what's your suggestion that's one and two is they have another child who carries on it could be for hours on end and I find that when I validate her she to the point where we're emotionally in sync um I find that it just makes her feel weaker and less helped so my question is I know it's a fine line to be holding and to be um and to be emotionally attentive and attached um and and you know all of this um I don't know how to say it exactly but um how do how do I not bring her down and how do I um I guess strengthen her with the attachment as opposed to her carrying on and on and on and just feeling more and more thank you very much yeah if you want to go shall I uh either way I have what to say but so do you and what are you you're much older than me so go ahead you go from the other hand I'm wearing a tie that counts I I I'm so impressed I don't know who you are of course but uh first of all with your first comment about how parents who are already uh in their 50s 60s even 70s are still able to make repair and can be involved in connecting with their adult children is such an important and marvelous comment uh that I mean I certainly wasn't planning on on going there at all tonight but to include that into this conversation is exceptionally uh important uh and really I think everybody needs to hear that you know you think oh no my my kids are adults already forget about it you know we're done that you're not done you're not done at all uh your adult children can need you very much and need you to not ignore them or neglect them in any way that that's that's amazing um as regards to your questions uh the very compelling questions uh if the first child uh seems to shun all the attention that you're giving her and and doesn't want the uh the validation Etc now there can be several reasons why why that's happening I don't know how old she is but they can be there can be many reasons why why that's happening but one of the reasons that that strikes me and I don't uh again I don't want to be judgmental in any way but there is such a thing as uh crowding a child there is such a thing there is such a thing as not giving the child enough space I'm not saying necessarily if that is what's happening here but I think it needs to be mentioned that while we're so attuned to our children sometimes we can then become obsessed with our children and we could see them as an extension of ourselves or uh and in such great need that we become one that is not the intention that banished in making us with our children and putting us making us into one we are not our children are are separate from us as attuned as we must be I remember once pointed out that the word for a child in Aramaic is bar and Bar in Aramaic also means to separate it's the same word and we need to work on that giving them that their own place their own opportunity to grow in the way that they want to do so again I'm I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening here but it may be important to point out that that does exist uh in in many families and and especially parents who are very afraid of how the children are going to develop and they need the helicopter parents so to speak and becoming very over involved with them a quick quick thought from the ultimate column because I just cannot resist it Yitzhak and Rifka did not have children what did they do they davened they went into their separate corners and what does the uh the Metro says it says Rashi ain't a dimeth Philistines were answered before rivka why why um chauvinistic or what no it's yet is answered before at Sadiq Russia which is Rifka of of of of of of of of Love on them so and this oil so why is that as the Optima come why would a Sadiq penis feel us be greater maybe it's juva she made it on her own why shouldn't she have her to Phyllis answered first listen to the Insight of the Alchemy column it's such a life lesson the life lesson is he says that to be at Sadiq then Russia is relatively easy you grow up in a house of basuel you open a house of love and you say what what is this well I want no part of this I want to I'll make my own space that's not so difficult but imagine he says growing up in the house of avraham and Sarah oh says the greatest people who ever lived I must be exactly like them says yes no I'm not going to be exactly like my parents there nikuda was Crescent he finds his own way gevura it's his own way he's at Sadiq in the house of attack but he's his own salad he's not at Sadiq like avram and Sarah he says um those feelers of a someone who made himself he made himself and resisted would have been easy to be just like a Raman Sarah he said no I can still be a toddler not like them I'm just pointing out the beauty the value of being able and I always add to that if I'm allowed to add to that that it must have been some parents like avram and Sarah that encouraged that and said to yourself good good you find your own path you find your own path how validating is that I say to be able to say you don't have to be exactly like me so maybe maybe with your child who's shunning that maybe you need to back off a little bit have your presence felt back off a little bit maybe she's feeling like it's too important to you and there's too much involvement it's just a theory it's just a perhaps so I'm putting it out there as an example as always if I could add I I felt the same way that you did for the comments this um young lady made about um her parents tuning in the here's the facts most most of us in our development it's when we become young adults that we really begin to Grapple with the impact of our own childhood neglect it's most often when we see how we end up bringing up our own children our own struggles informing a family tuning into our children that we go to therapy and that's when people become aware of what happens the most is the time when their parents are most needed to do the repair work to go to step forward I mean she's a very fortunate lady in halify we would all as parents I've had this many many times in my career of having parents in their 60s and 70s willing to step up and want to learn and understand and recognize what happened and when it's done without blame without the insinuation that somehow they didn't care but instead done with a full compassion of their own sorrow frequently their own sorrow of what they've done and when their adult children share that with them in the context I know you didn't mean this but here's what happened my parents can step up the healing is absolutely remarkable and that's precisely the time where most of this healing can can be done that's number one I say to us at you know at our age when our children are growing up that's when they need us in many ways many ways most to help them with their healing and we can do so much it's mind-boggling how much we can do number two I would say also that what I was again this is this is a conversation without ever meeting her just talking with you know if you're listening still we don't know you we don't get a chance to process with you so this is about as generic as it gets but I think there's a huge nothing a huge difference in complementing and complementing which many kids hate they hate it because they feel it's a makhive we're we're making expectations of them that this is the way you now have to be that's not what we're talking about Attunement is about tuning into their emotions and feelings and just simply reflecting back to them that I noticed how you feel most children are going to be okay with that whereas the complimenting and complementing and praising which very frequently happens with parents who didn't get that themselves as a child and so badly want to give that to their children the children frequently experience that as a burden as an expectation you're creating an expectation of who I have to be now and they don't want to hear it whereas if we stay attuned simply to noticing how our children are feeling or reflecting it back to them in a non-judgmental way most children will flourish from that experience okay beautiful um take one more live then we have a lot more questions I still want to cover tonight maybe we'll get to more live afterwards but let's just do this you're on hi hi Okay so um I I actually grew up not only with emotional neglect I grew up um with a lot of abuse and um physical abuse whatever um and I I listen a lot to Rabbi Russell's um like all his speeches and everything and I'm also on therapy and doing a lot of healing so I realized a lot of time that I have like I I'm always afraid that I'm neglecting my children and um I'm just um I'm having stage right um so I'm just I'm worrying like I'm constantly worrying because I get all the awareness and all that when I'm listening to all the speeches I sometimes realize that I would I should have spoke I should speak to my children or tune in but I'm running on empty like the title said on the on this coachmana it said like running on empty I do feel a lot of time that I don't have like I'm limited I'm very limited I'm healing and I'm doing the work and everything but sometimes I'm I'm not capable to tune in and I'm constantly worrying that I hope my children aren't like what's gonna happen to them you know like there's so much a person who grew up with the amount of abuse that I grew up with can you know do sure can I can I just reflect back to your your children are fortunate they have you and they're fortunate because you're aware of what happened you're aware of how it impacted you it bothers you when you're not able to give them what they need you're very very very much on the Journey of recovery and Karishma who gave you your children because of you because he thought this is the kind of person that you're going to be um what you need to do is simply continue doing it or this recovery from emotional neglect is not an event it's a process as cliche as that sounds it's the absolute truth there is no button we can press to rewire ourselves instantly it's not possible what we can do is consistently work at it and over the years of you continually working at it and when you recognize you didn't do it the way you wanted to you weren't able to tune in and you look at yourself after that you say sharks I I feel so bad I wish I'd said that differently go back to your kids go back to thematoxinum again and keep doing it again and again children the nature the way Hashem made the world is the nature of children is to be forgiving the parents what we need to do is act and conduct ourselves in a way that we become a person that our child would want to forgive and if we become that person our child will not only forgive us but they will wish to attach to us in a way that they see us with respect and dignity and reverence because we asked for that forgiveness because we connected with them so just keep doing what you're doing I think it's exceptional a beautiful just remember it's a process it's not an event it says it's extremely valuable I admire your your courage for coming on and talking about it so openly by the way and I'm sure coach Barker will will give you a referralimer but uh I want to point out two things that uh may be important number one is that when you find yourself to be unavailable or incapable of reaching out and connecting with your children you might be able on a limited basis to at least say that to them at least to be able to say I'm I can't hear you now I know that you're saying something important I value what you're saying but I'm not available now to do that because I'm just not capable at this point even that it is something it's an acknowledgment it may not be a complete validation as we're calling it but it's an acknowledgment it means something number two is that there are many ways of being attuned and one of the ways that you might find that you're more capable in those times when you feel distant or weak or unable is that you may be able to do it in writing you may be able to send a text message who may be able to send a little note and just saying you know I heard what you said I understood what you said I value your opinion and you're feeling your emotion matters to me just saying a couple of lines even if you're not there and you're not present at all but today thank God we have many ways of communicating and then and then and if you can do it in writing or through text again it's something it matters people you know even I tell you the truth I send like a text to somebody and they ignore me they don't I feel bad now I'm a pretty healthy guy you know pretty much but why are they ignoring me it tells me like if you're not such a healthy person wow that's really going to matter so if you're able to just respond in any way in any way at all even without being present I I think you may be able to feel better about that there's some connection there because I want to jump on one more live to come up and then we'll go to the questions okay you're on okay uh I would like first of all to really thank the uh one before uh Sophia who appears uh like to uh but before for her what she said about her parents and also for her for her ability to be forgiving because it's like an opening from both sides which is what Rob Russell just mentioned before which I think is just amazing and very hard for me so my question is I think many of the people uh who are maybe online are maybe either uh children of Holocaust Survivors or grandchildren of Holocaust Survivors and um I think that many of the those Holocaust Survivors had to numb out themselves to their emotions just as a survival mechanism because they live through so much trauma and pain that this was the most intelligent way their nervous system could adapt to the situation so children who grew up in a house where emotions were not where parents could not contact their emotions because because of that um we're not exposed to an emotional warm environment um and they grew up uh maybe numb to their emotions for a very different reason and this is being being passed from generation to generation until somebody either starts therapy or I would like to know what is your advice for to stop the the epigenetics how do we stop generational emotionally you know thank you for the question that the sensitive question the way you said it you know when I first started my career over 30 years ago I was working with survivors over the years I worked more and more with children with survivors today I'm working with grandchildren of survivors and we're all white those of us in the field you know for a period of time like this are all watching exactly what you're describing which is this um transmission of experience where ways of survival became cultural and became the the desired way to bring our children where they were really based on simple survival skills from the Holocaust so two of the main themes that I noticed over the years were those that don't do love in an overt way we don't kiss we don't talk about love we don't use the word love what they do instead is care they feed you they make sure they feed you and they clothe you they shell to you they take care of your physical needs but they don't do love because that was clearly taken from them in the Holocaust and then there are those who frequently will over protect over shelter you know it starts getting cold and the first flurries of snow come down and they'll be making sure there's five or six layers of clothing on their children with gloves and scarves and earmuffs and everything on boots and all sorts of things to protect them from the element because they're frightened they're over protecting so yes we see this transmission of experience that's happening and is so pervasive in our communities the awareness of it the willingness to acknowledge that when our children feel there's something off you see they're resistant and they're they're looking at their friends they're looking at their peers and see they're dealt with differently so then we need to reflect back and ask ourselves is what I'm doing really helpful to my child's development is it attuned to what they need to what their feelings what they are feeling or is it something that I'm panicking inside following some sort of program inside me that tells me what I'm meant to do and that's the separation that's the piece that will everyone in therapy will learn to understand the to distinguish between what I'm feeling inside that tells me how I'm meant to behave as if there's some program informing me and compelling me to treat my children a certain way because my brain tells me my internal program tells me this is what I'm meant to do as opposed to stepping back for a moment when I recognize that but tuning into my child's feelings and needs and inquiring or reflecting and thinking about I wonder what they need separating from the imposition of my belief system as opposed to the Attunement of feeling and thinking and being aware of what my child is actually feeling right now all the work on breaking that transmission will be found in this piece where we separate from me simply imposing my internal program on my children as opposed to stepping back for a moment just pausing just for a moment in in all trauma work we need to take that pause and just step back for a moment and ask ourselves huh I wonder what it is my child actually needs right now and try to tune into their fields in a very simplistic way this is where we begin to break that transmission would you like to I think I think you covered it very well I think you really did nothing nothing to add okay thank you for the child from the child of Holocaust Survivors I take that as a deep confidence and okay so I I'll just read you the next question that was sent in it is clear to me that I'm a victim of childhood emotional neglects and my awareness has definitely made me a better appearance but sometimes I feel that no matter how hard I try to be close to my kids especially the teenagers they pull away from me what am I doing wrong and how do I fix it go ahead you know you know I think would be a mistake for us to uh sit here tonight uh in the comfort of our of our homes so to speak and pontificate about emotional neglect and pretend that there are no other factors that are involved in child rearing and and proper development there are so many you know being a good parent is so complex and as Sherman mentioned before today more than ever so there are so many different factors that involve and and we're not experts you know we don't know exactly what to do we don't know each child needs something different we don't know exactly this one seems to need me all the time this one seems to never need me uh what is that what does that mean well they they have very different needs so you know the question is important but at the same time it's almost impossible to just pick it out and say I can tell you what you're doing wrong uh uh I don't know what's happening in your home I don't know how many different uh complexities there are involved in uh the proper response and why a child will pull away uh and Rob schimmons book which I have not read I guarantee you that he deals extensively with children who pull away and and why they pull away and what to do about it and even that with all due respect will still not cover all the different uh uh complicated factors that are involved I mentioned earlier kind of a helicopter parent type of thing that's that's one of the things um I know RAV Schwab pointed out that in the posit that says You must and then it says in between those two statements there's another statement of the guy named if you steal kidnap moist you must and ultimate version asked what is what is that what is the the deposit in in the middle and doing in between being Mac of what is the guy name and he says curiously that sometimes the parent will be guilty of stealing his child and stealing his child for his own purposes but going nave-ish and he could actually steal him because the uh especially this happens by the way as we mentioned with with parent with Holocaust Survivors who are so involved in that way so that can be another reason why children pull away they're trying to establish themselves they're trying to be the Sadiq then sadik the Yitzhak in the house of ram of ram it doesn't mean that of Raman Sarah they could have said what do you what was wrong with aren't we you didn't like what was wrong with our way of raising you we had very important values to him what were you doing going off on your own finding this this devoura thing what was that that all about and they may have called in to coach Menachem and and said no our child is pulling away he's finding his own path but they but they didn't do that so my best advice is that respect the child not only needs validation but but he needs respect um the rambam says that the same way that a rebbe that a that atonement has to be have have covered for his rebbe the rebbe has to have covered for his talmud you'll see it in the rumble it says at the Pharaoh imagine that you know they're talking about um how many 900 years ago imagine that 900 years ago he's telling you that the rebbe has to respect the atonement what does that tell us of course of course what does it say about the man what does it tell us about us today that children also need respect so if they are not responding and they're pulling into a different direction that's when they need you most that's not a time for you to say uh I'm lost uh he's he's he's he's running in his own show now and what should I do to to to reel him back in that's not the goal the goal is not to reel them back in so he can take him off the hook and put them into your box that's not the goal goal is to join him on his path bless him and say I'm here if you need me Let's uh we got a good question over you ready you ready for that now it's already getting late so now you know it gets more more entertaining ready for some getting started just getting started Russell you ready yeah good okay here we go we married up for children and we're close to our six we're close to our sixties and now many years later our children while raising their own children are staying distant from us they feel we didn't give them love and care of emotional support through their childhood years I tried to talk to them saying we did the best we knew and and back in those days the way we're parenting and finished was was different today's new generation is more into this unconditional love and support um but we were not raised like this and I don't understand your program is part of today's problem everyone plays the blame game my parents neglected me right my abundant destroyed my confidence the media is too powerful to fight nobody accepts responsibility maybe if we stop cuddling our kids and going soft on them we could restore normality to our crazy world am I wrong so do you mind if I take this first I'll confirm Euro okay you want to say something no no I just answered the question oh I see you there yeah because yes you're wrong you stole my speech as a matter of look it's a matter of fact this is what I said in my opening statement I was am a very concerned that we don't do the blame game the programs like this magazines wonderful magazines in the Jewish community that explore contemporary issues that we don't distort this into a Blame Game we're trying to highlight problems and create more love Harmony forgiving and connection that's really what we're after the when when I heard Usher uh busha when I heard the way the question was phrased internally I was already beginning to cringe you know after the the second sentence because the moment a parent reckon I can tell you I'm an adult grandparent and I recognized due to circumstance I don't go into the circumstances but there were a variety of circumstances in the Journey of our family where my wife and I were not able to be fully attuned we were simply prevented by circumst many circumstances beyond our control from attuning properly to our children who many of them were hurt I can tell you that when we approach it from the if God forbid as a parent now grandparent obviously if we approach the uh our adult children from the any perspective of defensiveness I did the best I could I tried as hard as I could you know today your Molly cuddled we if we approach it from a perspective of defensiveness there is no way our children are going to want to work that through they're going to end up needing to protect themselves and stay separate unfortunately this tragedy that's hit the world of Parental alienation comes exactly because of this kind of defensiveness you know I once made the observation I know if it's true or not but it's my personal observation the hymn of the the separach gives a time for kibada for aim and the time he gives is because of our karsa type that we should have a constitute our parents and I was thinking to myself frequently that imagine if God forbid we use that he didn't mean to use that as a hammer that we need to hammer our children into realizing you know let's get angry with them and teach them and preach to them you better have a personal type is never going to create that because I tell you that the the safe was talking about that was talking about where we do attuned pair parenting and we care for and love our children properly guess what it is natural that they have a Cause adoptas it naturally flows out of them a causative isn't a hammer that were meant to pound them with demanding that they have a cause of death well in the same way if as now grandparents we approach our adult children with any form of defensiveness they're going to put up walls and they're going to feel a continuation of the very hurt they're trying to express whereas if we humble ourselves and we approach our children and say to them I I don't know what happened but it's crucial to me it's really important to me to understand your pain and your hurt they forgive and they want to connect I can tell you I had a story I wrote in the I put in I'm very vulnerable if you want to see the entire vulnerable side of shim and Russell you'll get my book and read it because it's all there we decided to put it all in I just felt it was dishonest anything else was just dishonest and I put a story there where one of my children once called me into therapy because he was very angry with me adult child in fact the therapist he went to was someone who I had helped and supervised who was actually terrible terrified of having this experience of having me come into therapy with uh you know exactly what I'm talking about that's amazing and I went and I told don't worry just do one thing make sure you have the back of my child you make sure you have their back and if you feel I'm not tuning in to their feelings then you call me on it and you tune me in that's all you have to do I'll take care of the rest and we had a session and in that first session it was it was a double or triple session this child of my ripped me to pieces and told me I should have known better and I'm the famous therapist and you should have known better and I'm very angry with you and let me have it really let me have it it was so painful the experience the things he said about me that it took me I couldn't even I was alone in this session and um I couldn't even call my wife afterwards to tell her it was so painful it took I walked I just walked the streets for an hour or two just just to recover from the experience I offered him but do you want to do it again a few weeks later and we did it again and it happened again and he let it out and I embraced absorbed and accepted his feelings at his perspective let's jump forward it was two sessions and it was done and after she was asked him if he needs more and he said no he's fine I waited 10 years it was over 10 years before I asked him can you tell me what that was all about all that anger and pain because he didn't tell you just expressed this anger and pain at me and it ten years later he looked at me and he said no I don't remember it was gone it was completely gone and healed because I sat with him and was willing to embrace wow wow what an example kids we don't mean to and we can do it but if it's mature adults we're going to be willing to accept that to understand that and at any stage of Life be willing to tune in to understand their hurt and pain Hashem made the Matthias the Teva that our children will want to forgive us the question is are we willing to place ourselves in that place where we want to receive that forgiveness by understanding their hurt that's the real question wow would you recommend it to everyone or maybe some people there's Not Gonna Die to do that um you know as a therapist I can tell you you know I've succeeded and I've fed I've tuned in and I've not I've been helpful to some and not helpful to others I dare say there are people that feel I hurt them I'm sure of it none of us are perfect as therapists nor is therapy a perfect model of life but the vast majority of people if they can connect in therapy with humility and vulnerability will discover that you can move very quickly beyond your struggles and issues as parents if we would simply humble ourselves we discover that our kids want to love us want to connect to us they want to sit in our sugar they want to be at our pace of Savior the thing that interferes with that is us not them and if we would use therapy as a vehicle with humility and vulnerability we discover the incredible respect our children can even later in life learn to have for us you know I'm sitting here listening to you Rick trimming and uh you're asking if this is for everybody and I'm thinking as your talking and thinking what would I say what would I say is it really for everybody and I I'm I mean you don't need you don't need me to be so impressed with you you're you're well beyond that but I I'm just listening to you and and I'm sure I'm picturing it and how difficult that was and now what a great job you did and I'm thinking as well asking was that for everybody my first inclination was no that's not for everybody because some people cannot do it sincerely they cannot pull it off it'll sound phony that was my first reaction are you ready and my second reaction was you know what even phony might be okay it might not be great but the if if they need it so badly then even if it's not completely sincere but they're trying and they don't do that good a job it may be good too what do you think I couldn't agree more really you know I often tell my clients why didn't you get it try to get it wrong first and then get it right wow I love it get it wrong first get it get the juices going you'll get it wrong and then you'll acknowledge that that's learning to and then you'll get it right I love it I'm still learning from you I love it it isn't easy but I can tell you this the richness and reward of being vulnerable with our children and honest the reward is so astonishing there's no treasure there's nothing as Priceless and valuable as us humbling ourselves and noticing how our children are willing to forgive and reconnect is remarkable there's no there's no treasure or pleasure greater than that wow that's so beautiful you know I'm listening to this question and I'm saying intuitively I agree with him because I'm old school and you know let's not cuddle and let's demand from them because intuitively I I feel that but I know I know because I've learned and I've read that everyone who we respect does not agree with that approach and Ally Shore says very clearly it's not the same anymore Republic he's very come out many times and said no this is a different generation he actually said now that I remember his mother his mother said I don't even understand this quote maybe you could explain it yeah if the Torah was given today instead of cabinets it would have said that parents need to be however you want to understand it ten Generations you showed me she said it Generations you listen to this folks well thousands of you who are listening live and on tape later listen to that again 10 Generations your xiaomi and she says if the toy was given today it would say the parents would have happened their children it's a different world it is a different world and and you said it's so beautifully that's exactly what what it's so powerful it's so much powerful once had a couple I worked with doesn't matter the details the long story but the husband got lost he was lost there's no question he was lost and later he woke up but he quoted in the session he was being very tough on his wife about learning he's going to learn and he's been very tough on her that she has to think she married him so he's learning you know Etc and he was lost he was a child of survivors he was just lost and then he quoted this [Music] I'm sorry and he said this line in front of me flabbergasted like where do you go with that so there was in those days in our base of Madness in Lakewood and the alumni base of Madras there was a talmouth we miss him was an unusual human being compassionate [Music] anyway so I said maybe we should go and ask Irvine craze what he thinks about your learning on based on this hazal [Music] laugh on your wife and go learn so he's masking so we went to a barn and we and I said my side of the story and he the single man said he's learning and he has to be tough on his wife to go and learn to answer the basically it's around her both sides and he listened and then he leaned forward when he said to this younger man he said you're right and I was kind of taken back and then he said to him but to do it first he said you have to be answer on yourself be an accident be anxious on yourself tell me something have you ripped yourself apart to be loving to your wife did you rip yourself did you kill yourself to be loving to her first because if you did that then you could do the other do that first I think that's the message with our children we expect our children especially our adult children to suddenly like put aside all the childhood abuse the neglect the hurt that many of us did without realizing with no clue what it was especially the children of survivors had no clue and and so many people for circumstances that were simply beyond their control but my gosh I can tell you that if you humble yourself as a mature adult and and your answer on yourself you rip yourself to Pieces first and you humble yourself it is tether that your children will emerge to be mojaved you they will be inspired by your example they will be in awe of who you are and respect you for what you've done to yourself and learn from you and emulate and emulate you the Journey of parenting isn't over as long as you have parents it's never over and we can offer that to our children and Inspire them and I contend and I've witnessed and seen and done it with my clients and certainly done it with myself that your children will turn around and respect you for it and be inspired by you okay gold wow okay let's go you guys a Live question on your own hi you hear me yes okay um first of all I just want to say that I am gaining so much and I love the quote that Russell just said try to get it wrong first and then get it right um I feel that probably a lot of us who live this emotional neglect are scared to get things wrong and maybe um hold back so it's like letting you do it wrong it's like oh wow I have permission that I don't have to get a perfect I don't have to do it 100 right and then I'll learn from there so I really like that quote along with everything else um my question is um I have uh I've lived with a chronic illness for um a bunch of years I guess since my young 20s and I've heard a lot that since I've also I guess now grown up as an adult I've realized I have lived with emotional neglect maybe at home and even in school in general um you know if you're not I I guess growing up if you weren't a lot of times a student you just got lost in the background and you just went from great to Great to great um so I think that's part of it besides at home um so I've heard that chronic illness can kind of be trauma that's trapped in your body um and if you don't I've heard that if you don't get the trauma out it's very hard for your body to heal so I have worked on myself a lot to try to get over a lot of things but my question is as I guess as therapists how much do you see the chronic illness and Trauma relationship and how can you kind of get yourself out of that I guess absolutely absolutely yeah you're right there must be books written exactly on that subject and and I feel for you and respect you very much that you're still working at it a semantic experiencing is a marvelous marvelous vehicle I would look for an SE therapist an experienced SC therapist and do some work with them that's a great starting place you can really really have tremendous healing and get this stuff out of your body the the trapped feelings of that I would go with SE first foreign has a lot on that short whether it's back pain or other pain a lot of emotions and how to express yeah a lot of information yeah great great technology today for how to do it and there's many excellent SE trained therapists in The Firm world that you could go to who could help you with this many let's take a little different angle over here okay different type of question is there any hope if someone's spouse thinks they are fine other words it has become obvious that my spouse can't properly show love and can't do things that keep relationships going but even though my spouse has been to therapists they don't believe they have an issue so nothing ever gets resolved instead many many tactics are being used as distraction and this stops any real work from getting done blaming me is a big one I've been in therapy consistently for years and trying to be the best myself but I feel hopelessness of ever having a real loving connected relationship with my life partner because Robert Russell have any ideas or hates us it's the spouse point of view well my uh my my immediate reaction and this is probably wrong but since Robbie Russell told us to practice wrong first so I'll put it I'll put it into practice right away um sometimes maybe not in your case but sometimes when a person cannot see themselves and they're uh Angry and always blaming um they may be suffering from a what we call a personality disorder uh and a personality disorder are I think represent will tell us as well is probably the hardest thing to treat certainly the hardest thing to cure and the hardest people to live with uh there are many many books about personality disorders and and different types and uh why it's so hard to live with them one of the most famous books is walking on eggshells which is an excellent and excellent book written about borderline personality disorder and how to help people live with people with these types I think I think the question is more like the person the coming is a victim of travel neglect but because of that they can be a good spouse with them all right go to Fresh thoughts yes no abam is I just want isn't I'm not looking to plug fresh start but I can tell you for people who've been again and again and again through therapy trying again and again sometimes you need to step aside one of the I've said plenty you need a fresh start yeah I've sent many of my clients to these it's a Fresh Starts you know even though I've been working with them but I know the group experience with five other people spending a week together and realizing it's not just me I'm not alone you know doing it together with other people gives them that jump start to to get them started I uh you know someone's had that kind of experience you can never stop working on yourself this I've never met yet anyone who is willing to say I arrived I got there you know I'm I'm I'm I'm perfect I'm fixed so we all have room to work on ourselves and uh sometimes we have to step outside if therapy hasn't been working for you and you've tried many many many times sometimes a program like Fresh Starts seven days just take that time and and really reward yourself with the opportunity to in the company of others really take a deep look at yourself and start again there's never a time to stop I've never seen it yet it's interesting I have to bring that up because uh I I I've always been impressed with the power of group therapy and even if it's not in a residential setting or even if it's not in a in a uh a place like Fresh Starts and people are not ready or not willing to go that type of thing but if you can find groups and there are group therapy uh places that you can go to they sometimes are much more powerful and can accomplish what individual therapy cannot because it's it's hard to find but it's well worth the search I think yeah okay let's do one more Live question and I think Monaco has one or two questions left and then we're gonna go to closing okay okay last Live question you're on hi um do you hear me yes okay so actually you might have answered my question in the with the previous one but what I wanted to ask was that in the description of emotional neglect and you know in the opening statements just just completely describe my own experience um but it's not new to me and I'm aware of it um I'm in therapy for a lot of years I've tried more than one to get different perspectives and different kind of helps a lot of self-help um even some support groups and stuff um I have made a lot of progress but I still consistently find myself with that deep deep emptiness um Frozen inside and I still cannot break through and just feel myself in a free and open way and I'm just wondering if there are any other avenues to explore that um could be helpful so if I can just mention I don't know what types of therapy you've been in first of all I respect your courage and keeping going and keep on trying I believe we should that we should always keep looking for the right Avenue and not be satisfied and not accept where we are when we know we're in so much pain during inner child work really the the recovery from um childhood neglect is doing inner child work in a child work today Baruch Hashem it's become the front and center of so much of what therapy is offering today Berk Hashem finally it's really emerged in the way it should have long ago because there is so much trauma in our community um during part you look you really what you I would recommend you look for is a therapist or therapeutic environment that does what we call Parts work that works with those inner parts of you that locked up and didn't develop properly ifs is a fantastic approach if you haven't done ifs try ifs try EMDR try somatic experiencing all three of them are excellent Avenues for doing some very very profound shifts with your inner child work working with the parts of yourself that are stuck so if you haven't done any of any of those three I would recommend you find an ifs EMDR or SC therapist and do some work there and I wish you just had continued strength I'm just going to add that besides the therapy that you go to but there's also things that you can do on your own and things like being uh to try to unlearn so to speak uh the the patterns that develop so early in your life by really tuning into your feelings to respect your feelings uh I find that it's helpful to do things that you don't want to do and to not do things that you do want to do those those two factors help people break patterns you get stuck you believe in the things that you were that you grew up with you believe that your feelings don't count you believe that uh there there there's not much to you there is this emptiness as mentioned earlier the empty space is the white spaces you start to believe that that is your essence you need to counteract that and the way you shake them up one of the best tools is those types of doing what you don't want to do and not doing what you do want to do you you you work them out you dig them out by by changing your your behavior patterns and another thing that you can and you can do that I think can be valuable is sharing your story sharing your story not of course wherever you go but more than you do now talk about some of the things that happen to you that you're aware of you say that you understood what happened you know but take that internal understanding and bring it out bring it out share it it becomes real it becomes it becomes something tangible that you can almost feel and you can say I'm this is what I'm changing when you keep it inside it's still theoretical uh it's not easy to share but to the extent that you can do it I think that it'll help you just a clarification I think box Sean recovered a lot but well you mentioned now if if I need to validate my feelings understand that my feelings are okay so how does it work together with your what is just said that do it anyways that means I don't want to make that phone call I have that feeling inside of me it's not gonna work don't do it so should I fight it or say if that's how I feel then that's how I feel and I'm not gonna do it yeah I think it's I think it's it works both ways I think it's a good point uh there are it doesn't mean that you always do what you don't want to do and that it means that you practice it in certain ways that are safe and ways that that are not going to upset your whole equilibrium so it just you occasionally you're able to do it the way you want to do it the way you're saying it I'm choosing to do this even though that's not what I want to do but in other times of course you can say I don't feel like doing it my fat my feelings are valid I'm going to listen to them I respect my decision and you do that as well but occasionally to step out of that to be able to say I'm not a uh I'm not bottom I'm not an autotron I don't automatically do what I want if we if we can put it in just in a few words to understand what a person is going through what are their thoughts what are their beliefs somebody going through childhood emotional neglects the first 15 years of his life not getting that validation to for his emotions what are those those beliefs that he has about himself in a few lines a few ideas what are those beliefs that are going through in his head there's so many uh but you know in short the a person who's suffering with this is afraid of relying on other people they don't they don't feel safe with other people they have a hard time identifying their own strengths and weaknesses their likes and dislikes their life goals they're very hard on themselves even harder than they be on someone else they lack the self-compassion and understanding they blame themselves almost exclusively blame themselves and feel shame terrible shame they feel numb and empty cut off from their emotions it's hard for them to express and feel safe expressing how they feel they feel very easily overwhelmed give up quickly feeling like I'm doomed I'm a failure low self-esteem very extra sensitive to rejection very tuned into that and feel very terribly rejected so easily and essentially they feel as if I'm deeply flawed there's something missing or wrong with me and I can't specifically put my finger on what it is but it's how I feel it's an awful burden and baggage to carry through life is there a possibility that people become perfectionism perfectionists and then from the outside it looks like they're doing great very much so but I find that that's very common because everything everything is my fault I blame myself for everything so once you're doing that then that will naturally lead you could lead you on the path to perfectionism I I have no room for error because everything every step I take I'm causing something else that's wrong so I'm going to be extra careful extra cautious all the time and want to be perfect absolutely just for clarification somebody people texting is childhood neglect mostly from parents or you could have a loving home and still have a child a Muslim elect from schools and from friends and from other things or it's mostly the core from the parents people want to know so there's no questions you could have a loving home in terms of you know my parents took care of my needs the question is did they take care of my emotional needs exactly so that's the bosses of it and it tends to be primarily in your early experiences at home which then unfortunately if you already have it tend to get reinforced through the school experience a lot of people describe them having loving homes but that's not the way I would describe it if you ask what do you mean by that well they would say you know I always had a new school bag every year and I always had the food on the table and I I we went on vacations obviously my parents loved me but that has nothing to do with emotions nothing whatsoever you could have a a home with all the trappings and still had emotional Midway that's right that's right okay Robert Russell and Robertson I'm going to do one more Live question I'm going to go to closing okay you're on hello hi this is Corrine um thank you for taking my question your talk has been very validating to me as a as a individual and as a mother um so I am a divorced family my youngest was five when we got divorced uh prior to that the home was abusive um in all areas physical abuse verbal abuse emotional abuse so the home now is safe um my youngest has struggled since she's five because of the divorce um her Dad was supposed to have visitation three times a week twice during the week and every Sunday and that has never happened he may see her once every six months even though he lives Maybe seven blocks away he and then when he does see her he or when he sees the children he's extremely critical of everything they do so if they don't get an A they get a B it's not good enough if they get 99 why didn't you get a hundred if you on the varsity team or you'll you're never going to the Olympics so why are you why are you wasting time doing sports um so since she's five I've been her primary I've been to everything um and I would say since her later adolescence from about 15 the anger is like a volcano it's been it's been crucial that I've done in hospital um we had to do an inpatient admission twice we've done medication she's now off medication I took off time from work and dedicated strictly to her um I just want to know how now that we're she's not physically aggressive but she's less communicative like she's she's kind of put that shell back on not the the it's like the volcano is back underneath it's not the lava's not pouring out but it's it's there it's bubbling how do how do you deal with with that situation how do I keep supporting her but give her the space and yet these days I just want to put her in my bed and like rock her the whole night and tell her it's gonna be okay how old is your daughter she's now 17. no I've always said that it's no hiddish but the um self-esteem is basically made up of two parts and that is love and accomplishment and it sounds like you're a very loving mother you've gone through hell and you've given her so much already and not seen the the fruits yet so that's terribly frustrating but you sound like a very loving person and my guess is and sounds like even though her father is not that way but she's getting a lot of love from you and that almost can make up for it maybe not quite but as much as you can perhaps you should try to focus on the other side of her accomplishment I don't know much about her anything about her I don't know what she's doing school-wise if the hospitalizations have interrupted no she's still there she's still on a roll National honest Society student okay she's lucky she's smart because she she doesn't go to school every day if if I don't fight with her on the days that she has school refusal we just I just add work with her to get her work completed in the in a time that she gets it done because fighting with her is is fruitless it doesn't it doesn't make her more accountable it just ruins the whole day for for everybody at home she gets her work done and she gets really good grades she's an accomplished artist she's designed record covers she's an excellent she's getting recruited for University volleyball and I do try instead of telling her I'm not she's not so good at listening as a teenager I do write her like index cards on like on each page I say I love you because or you're amazing because and I give her like oh you got blue eyes you're six foot tall she's six foot tall Jewish girl she doesn't feel so amazing because she Towers above the boys in the neighborhood never mind the women like she's you know um and we've we've really come a long way but she will choose negative behaviors in attempt to get her father's attention but it doesn't matter how negative we go he still doesn't pay attention right tonight do you mind if I make a comment of course yeah I just wanted to say one thing before I did one little thing and that is uh stick with it uh the game is far from over should be 17 years old she'll never forget it and watch what happens to her uh when when she when she gets a little older yeah you basically said yeah sorry he only he no it's marvelous what this lady is doing for her daughter is amazing is amazing she's building the building blocks the foundation for her future life and she's doing something that's amazing the only thing I think I would change is her expectation in terms of when all this is going to flourish it's all going to happen I would change the expectation my experience has been that almost everyone who have struggling children growing up for whatever reason they're struggling almost everyone when they start working on it have the wrong decade in mind for when they think their child is going to get their life put together they just got the wrong decade that's all just that's it and if you just continue what you're doing but get the right decade actually I think the right decade for children who've been through childhood trauma of any sort the right decade is between 30 and 40. is somewhere there where their marriage bringing up their own families recognizing how difficult it is with all the support and work and help we give them on the way that's the right decade when we really see them flourishing and that all those building blocks we put into them year after year we suddenly realized we built a foundation on which they're building a life yeah and that takes a decade okay everybody it was beautiful what a powerful Sheriff all the people that have questions that we couldn't get to I apologize um we're gonna go to closing now our Brussels okay we'll go first because I know okay so again the grocery coming on Salman tremendous tremendous year tonight it's it's powerful stuff powerful stuff we all we all learn together we showed you so I'd like to just sum up with just two thoughts one is what is it that parents should pay attention to to avoid it happening to their children to attempt to avoid it you know obviously we're not none of us are in absolute control but what are the what are the steps and I'd like to boil it down to just three simple steps for us as parents or for young parents bringing up young children and probably for children of all ages first tune in to how your child feels not how you wish they would feel when you hear them express feelings that worry you don't try and squash the feelings tune into it and let them know you heard them number two validate their feelings even if you wish they didn't feel that way or you're disappointed with the way they feel validate their feelings show them they have a right to feel that way understand it tune in and validate it and lastly talk softly try to understand why they feel that way and leave guidance for later Don't Jump Right In don't miss a ride don't mix up listening tuning understanding hearing reflecting their feelings don't mix that up with giving them the guidance and instruction about how they have to be separated the two first tune in later on you can give them guidance you can go back you can reflect upon their feelings and help them with it but the first thing is to tune in notice be aware acutely aware tune into their feelings and that way we can help them grow up with a sense of themselves secondly how what can you do with yourself without therapy what's the self-repair how can you do it and you can there's a lot of things you can do first of all start journaling recognize and name your feelings except and respect them the thing that's taken from most adult children of childhood emotional neglect was that you don't trust your feelings you don't even know them Journal write them down when you have feelings acknowledge them accept them and respect them step two in a very respectful way practice sharing with others how you feel be very careful do it thoughtfully but start sharing with people how you feel let them know that you have distinct feelings do it slowly but surely but learn to express your feelings they're important and then acknowledge how other people around you may be feeling and ask them for feedback ask them am I right it looks to me you might be feeling this way in other words walk into the world of feelings sharing your feelings tuning into other people's feelings and then asking them for acknowledgment for feedback if that was right and then do the same thing with your needs Journal about your needs accept to respect what your needs are respectfully share your needs with others and then acknowledge to others what their needs may be and see if you're right check in so take the area of feelings and needs Journal about them talk about them feel them respect them and then do that with other people too you can do all this work yourself and slowly but surely learn to be in tune with what your own needs and feelings are and have them respected bit by bit don't do all this in one go obviously but slowly but surely in a respectful way include more people into the world of how you feel and what your needs are and if you do it over a period of decades you'll discover that you can overcome those feelings of Disconnect and you start feeling more connected with other people this treatment or the healing from childhood emotional neglect as I said at the beginning is not an event it's a process and it really really does happen can happen over a period of time so either with a therapist or with yourself work on it and keep working on it and with hashem's help you'll learn to be in tune with yourself and Know Who You Are thank you so much I can't tell you I feel the power of what this program offers and I thank you honestly and humbly for inviting me again for the opportunity to be with you thank you very much we're going to continue with Rabbi Solomon Russell will be in touch please have a good morning we're gonna go to sleep yeah so let me just before I Simon goes again if anybody's here the first time um every Sunday night at 9 30 we have unbelievable if you want to be part of the what's up chats or what's happening at 848-525-066.com sign up for his email list be part of it I mentioned next Sunday we have world famous Gary Newman could be here he was on once before he's Oprah's therapist he's a big big celebrity and he's very very good especially in marriages and the topic is going to be the key differences between successful and failed couples a real deep deep discussion show and bias uh so please join let people know it should be an amazing event everything is recorded mature movie I'm an awesome beautiful.com's website if you have any questions forever Russell probably Salman frosters email us at Coachman gmail.com um if you want to share it share 119 you can listen to the phone number on 848 777.com you can go to any other podcasts and uh listen to them it's unbelievable and again thank you to all the advertising and again for our um for the tonight's share sponsored by fresh start fresh start we spoke about many times tonight it's an intensive seven day Retreat design for men and women to understand the process and to heal from unresolved trauma neglect and abuse describe our participants as life transforming and Oasis of healing the Fresh Start Retreat it's the first of its kind in the Orthodox from Community Development of the gardens and Leadership of the team of world-renowned trauma experts including Robert Russell licensed therapist doctors so go to the website it's www.the-h-e-f-f-c fsrc.com to learn more about it and now uh we're gonna go through every salmon I'm gonna go to first coach give us a little cecum of tonight and there are very simonian you're gonna you're gonna give the the kick we need to play what we need from you we need physic we need people that went through trauma we need guidance we need we need had enough to do it to the next Generation we cancel recapsulate the whole three hours that if you're closing coach what happened not a problem not a problem thank you yeah thank you very much a lot of information tonight and I do want to thank Gary Russell and every Solomon for giving off the time and just listening to the discussion is just amazing I'm sure everyone was able to pick up a little bit of the information that they need or a lot but I know there are some people out there who feel like sometimes it can be hard and sometimes even confused so what exactly should I do and the first step that I want to mention is that itself is a Feeling you can be in a space where you're like I don't know I don't know and just realize when you're there that you're okay and start telling yourself that it's okay to feel these feelings that's where we're starting before you go to your kids and which we heard there's a lot of in their child work there's a little little child inside of every one of us who's crying and if we weren't attuned to that inner child for many years it's sometimes hard to start but we have to start listening and understanding the feelings like we heard of Russell mentioned by journaling becoming aware of those feelings and don't look for a solution right away because running the solution is again running away from those feelings that we don't like so whether it's your child or your your own inner child that's crying about something to tell them you know put on the Band-Aid right away if it fits the purpose yes they need a Band-Aid but first realize they gotta cut it hurts so there has to be that space between that feeling validating the feeling feeling and then going to the solution and before I end I do want to mention last time we had Ravi Solomon on he spoke about a moon and be talking and at the end he mentions he can't believe nobody brought up um Fila saying it's actually I'm sure he's going to say tonight also wherever we are whatever we feel whatever we're going through it makes Hashem with what we picked up some information some action even small but before who's the one who put us here you say it feel a small field Hashem please help me guide me open my eyes help me help me realize what I need how to do it and give me the quest to be able to do it and it's Hashem we should be able to take the information information again is logic the logic we need to go down to that emotions tap into our feelings into our emotions start understanding and for that we need to slow down take a deep breath and realize what you're feeling validates and after that we can see you know what what healing what action I want to do so thank you very much and there's a lot there's a lot of information I think we have to listen to it again and again and it makes a shame everybody to get the healing that they need just before every salmon goes we're sending people are texting me Robbie Russell's book is is coming now so if anybody wants to pre-order it go to the website www.raising a lovingfamily.com is that order a pre-order there by yako Solomon the one and the only please give us the closing the physics that we need before we go off such a powerful share I want to tell you the difference between a good quarterback and a great quarterback you see a great quarterback and if you don't know anything about football he has something called an audible an audible means that he comes up to the line the play's about to start and he takes the play that he was about to do and he throws it in the garbage and he says I'm gonna put a different play on it's an audible when he sees the lineup he says no this is the play that's going to work so I had a whole other idea about how I wanted to end tonight and I'm throwing it right in the garbage and instead I want to share with you something from my ready one of my room Palms I thought that you will never forget as PESA Chrome my buddy always says this is something you will never ever and this really is something that you'll never forget listen to this Palm I remember sitting there in the sheer room I don't know how many years ago when he said this I was shaking from it I walked out of this year with Rabbi reisman at the time I'll tell you what happened of palm said on this week's passion on on breakfast yesterday what happened at the end of creation at the end of all six days of creation the posix says shocking ready Kim is called I mean if you're not shocked by this possum you haven't you haven't learned any hummus yet what Hashem is looking over at his creation he says wow you know I did a nice job I I it really because is proud that's very good I did a very good job with this world very nice is that that's what he's doing doesn't really make sense does it and then rev Palm sweetens the question because he says you know if you ask me I remember he said it so gently the way he was so beautiful he says you know if you asked me about how he did in the world I'm not sure if I would call it I'll tell you why on the first day he made light or but we know from the members that the order was too great and he said uh oh I made the art to great I have to put it away he put it into ganesa waited for us to love him but it said he can no good second day he made the mime and the main tartan then they started to fight with each other what did I do Hashem says the second day didn't work out so well the third day he made trees and when the trees he told them eights pre-isa pre the bark has to taste like the fruit and guess what the murderer says the tree did not cooperate and the bark as we know does not taste like the fruit what did I do in the third day the fourth day I don't have to tell you he made the Shemesh and the arayak well they were they were the same size and they thought levana had a problem so he might make them smaller uh oh I blew it again the fifth day he makes the fish and he makes the huge fish to live your son and the leviason was too big he couldn't it was going to destroy the world you have to take that back also and now he has to put the leviation away but the sixth day you know that problem you know what rupam says I don't think he even got one day right every day was a problem what is he doing why is he calling it number one and number two why did it not work out couldn't Hashem just made the word perfect the way you wanted it to every day was a mess says um something you'll never forget he said of course Hashem could have made it perfect he didn't make it perfect why he did it for you he wanted to show you that nothing is perfect nothing not even the creation of the world he did it for us to teach us that plan a doesn't work Plan B could work and of course Mark who says you know what I made the world plan a didn't work I had to go to plan B and you know what type of mine pretty good what a lesson what a life lesson for us plan A more often than not we have to go to plan B but you know what that's pretty good too and as I walked out of this year with Robbie reisman at that time he turned to me and he said you know if Plan B is the one that works then we should start with Plan B why are we bothering with plan A it's an interesting point So I listened tonight to all this fabulous discussion and I I must tell you I can't get over from Sherman Russell every time I I see him and speak with him so wise but we make mistakes all the time you're listening to this and you're saying my parents made mistakes I'm making mistakes I don't have it together I'm not doing it right I'm trying so hard and I hear those questions coming in so heartfelt I'm trying so hard I just don't get it right and Coach Burke says don't lose Faith don't lose hope I didn't get it right either Karishma who says himself I also didn't get it right that's okay that's the way it's supposed to be that's tough made it's a process as as he said it's a process we have to continue to try and work and work and work and we see it this week and coming up in practice never give up never give up 500 years he didn't have children five five hundred years and it didn't give up didn't give up still has children still the world still went on and still went on your world will continue to go on you had problems you still have problems we all have problems we try to solve them sometimes they work and sometimes we go to plan B and guess what sometimes we've got to go to plan C with the or more it's a process we keep going but don't get discouraged it's worth it more often than not it's going to happen but you have to wait sometimes as from Sherman said a different decade even that's the way the world Works don't lose hope I was like what nothing said Fila is the icker if they keep davening and diving without hashem's help we're going nowhere to new eyes lay like him create the Kaylee and hashem's going to drop it into you sometimes it takes years sometimes it takes decades but never ever give up that's really the aside emotional neglect huge problem a silent killer so to speak that's really what it is because our emotions is the engine that's what makes the car go and sometimes they're very damaged we have to reach back try again maybe a different therapist maybe a different modality Maybe a different uh different completely different approach maybe we have to work on more on our own wherever it may be my message and main message and it's not a fetish is we can't give up and if we keep at it more often than not we'll get there I thank you so much for inviting me again uh this is time number three so I guess I get some time off uh from now for for a little bit while but anytime you put me together with Jim and Russell uh I'll be here next week if you want uh that's how great he is so uh thanks everybody for listening and I'm I'm Amazed by the courage of all of you and I'm amazed at the the organizers of this platform that have created a vehicle that gives so much hope and encouragement to people like never before there are a lot of things out there but there ain't nothing like this one and I'm glad to be a part of it thank you thank you very much thank you Russell everybody have a great night we'll see you next week with Gary Newman and um I don't know if I can go to sleep after such a I'm gonna try good night everybody