EMOTIONAL: Caller Full of Regrets After Mother's Passing

my mother's last words to me I was uh stroking her her forehead and her hair and trying to comfort her and she opened her eyes and she looked at me and she said hi you're on live with us thank you so much Rabbi tal I really appreciate this opportunity to speak with you okay well let's uh let's get into it shall we um sure is is it okay if I ask you about something that I didn't write in my email yeah yeah sure yeah that's I admire that actually okay now that you you got your foot in the door sure what do you want to talk about well this is this is this is actually it's it's immediate for me in a way that what I wrote about first you know it's kind of receded in importance but I don't know lately I I'm a 69-year-old um married woman um I lost my mom my mom died uh the first night of sukot 2021 and we had a a FR relationship very very challenging um you know you could say that she was she she was very troubled she she was a troubled woman and this hibited at times and um emotionally and physically abusive at times but we maintained a relationship you were alive she was a terrific Grandma to my children um uh and when she died it was very uh it was a very rough passing I'm in the healthc care profession and I've attended many people with their final breaths and he acting was as violent as much of her life was uh very painful and when she died my overwhelming feeling was not so much grief you know I'm going to miss my mom it was grief that this was the end of the story that it was not going to be another ending we were not going to have a magical warm reconciliation where we could see each other soul to soul and and and UG and express love it just it just it just ended the way it have unfolded through all of my life and since then I mean I have really at her funeral um I made sure that the rabbi who was officiating you know I said I don't want anything said about my mom that would embarrass her nsha because she was so easily embarrassed during her lifetime like you know and in I've had time since her passing to kind of realize how limited my own capacity to empathize her with her was during our time together on this Earth I couldn't get past my own wounds so to speak and now that we're I'm we're here and at this stage of life I kind of I wish I could I wish she was still here so I could apologize for my limitations how I could not because I know some of her story from her childhood and where her wounds came from I couldn't get past that yeah and so I'm wondering my question is other than you know I mean I I make the donation to um oh because I we there's nobody to say cotage for her right you know and so I make sure make sure Kish has said for her at her yard site and I did for you know the the year of morning and yes I get to Doc name and I do all those things but is there any anything else I can do with us being on two two sides of the veil so to speak where I could make some peace yeah yeah with her yeah so so many things are that are coming up for me right now um it's interesting first thing was interesting to me is that you said could I talk about something else other than what I wrote about in my email I'm like sure go ahead and then you said cuz that's sort of receded and this is more I don't know if you used the word timely but I I think it was something like timely and I thought you're going to talk about something like an urgent decision that you need to make by a certain time limit and it's interesting that you're describing something that really the urgency is gone as far as you know the ticking time you know she's she's passed on and it is what it is so it's so interesting to me that this has taken on this feeling of urgency of something must be done now when from a certain perspective really the situation is is over it is what it is and I I'm just pointing that out to you as well as anyone who's listening um for for many reasons but one of those reasons is this has really very little to do with you although maybe it still urgent it has this feeling of urgency it's not in the past it's not history it's now and I want parents to hear that a 69-year-old woman's relationship with her departed mother is not history it's not the past it's now and it's not only now it's now and it's urgent that something be done about it now and the reason I'm pointing that out is because I want parents to understand the place that they have in their children's lives our influence on our children is so enormous and you know in your case you said your mother had certain limitations so I'm not saying this in any way to underscore any of her her failings as a parent especially because you said at her funeral you didn't want to say anything that would embarrass her and I don't want to say anything now that would embarrass her um but I I I want to say this that she had certain limitations as a parent um and and and maybe those limitations made it very difficult for her to have enough self-awareness to show up the way she should have showed up or the way she would have shown up if she had the self-awareness but I'm just saying now to people who who are listening the parents who are listening like if you have the self-awareness prioritize this relationship above and beyond everything else because it is no exaggeration whatsoever to say that the way you treat your children will be on their mind forever and they will not grow out of it when they're 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 they will think about it and they will live with it as an urgent and and pressing issue forever okay this a total side point but I just felt it was an important point to make and you gave me the opportunity to to to do so um one thing that's another thing that's coming up from me from your story is that you say you know a little bit about where her wounds come from and you have compassion for her and that you weren't able to have that Compassion or that degree of compassion I don't want to make it binary All or Nothing as if you have compassion or you don't but you weren't able to have that degree of compassion during her lifetime um is it I'm going to ask you a question is it correct that the information you know about where her trauma comes from you knew it before she passed right yes right so theoretically if you knew it then you should have been able to have the compassion then right and you're faulting yourself that you weren't able to have that compassion yes okay so I understand why this is so heavy for you and why it feels so urgent and it is it is urgent urgent really I mean because we want to take care of this already I'll tell you this whatever you feel now whatever you understand now your mother understands and she understands it in a way that is not fraught with all of the limitations that she had in her lifetime in other words I don't know the nature of her issues um and I'm I don't want to reduce it to a pathology and to give it clinical names which I'm not even qualified to use those terms anyways I'm not a mental health professional and I emphasize that all the time repeatedly um and and to me it's unimportant to give them labels but whatever condition it was and you know in the old days we would just say she had a hard life okay so whatever labels you want to give to her condition or to her situation those those conditions affected her ability in her embodiment to function but now in the world of Truth she's not fettered by those limitations so she has perfect clarity she has perfect love and light wisdom Clarity and she doesn't need you to explain anything to her now she gets it she 100% gets it so that's one thing and I know that I know that doesn't address the entire issue but just in case you feel this pressing need to be able to set the record straight you don't need to set any record straight she understands the truth of everything because as you said you're carrying this guilt and and you said you want to do something for her you said that you have Kish recited for her um let's talk about that let's talk about your desire to do something for her now because that's actually a very sensible question and it's a reasonable thing to want to do for your mother so let's let's talk about that I told you that she's not lacking Clarity so as far as clarity as far as setting the record straight or clearing the air or whatever you want to call call it that's not needed at all she knows the truth she knows how you feel about her she knows exactly how you feel about she knows your regrets she gets it and she knows also your limitations why you weren't able to have that emotional breakthrough until you did so that's not anything she's lacking but there is something that she's lacking and that you can do for her there is what she's lacking now is the ability to have an effect in this world on the physical plane because she no longer is in her body so what you can do for her not because you have regrets not because you feel guilty but rather because this is the duty of any child to a parent who's passed on is you can be her arms and legs you can show up for her in this world of embodiment on this physical plane and perform acts of goodness and kindness in her Merit whether that is lighting shabas candles or it's giving charity or visiting the sick or taking on uh a higher level of uh observance of the kosher laws or whatever it may be these physical acts that are all tied inherently to embodiment that's what you can do for her right now and that's what's most valuable to her that's what she cares about right now in other words you want reconciliation CU you're in the physical world and we lack Clarity so your your pensent is for clarity she's in the world of Truth in the world of clarity she's not lacking Clarity she's got clarity so I'll put it a kind of in a blunt way but is this about you or is this about her if it's about you you want Clarity but she doesn't need Clarity she's got Clarity if this is about her if you're being truly compassionate then what she needs what she doesn't have up there in that world is the ability to physically do Mitzvah that's what you've got that's what she values and that's what you can give her is is this making sense to you so much so much I mean I'm sitting here alternately with tears straing down my face and smiling so big uh that that is so so Illuminating really now you mentioned she was a good grandmother yes so you have kids yes okay any Mitzvah you do for her is extremely valuable to her I would say there may be some special significance in Mitzvah that you can do as a parent because she wasn't able to do so much of that and probably certainly wants to be able to do it now now I'm assuming you know you told me you're 69 so I I'm assuming your your kids are grown and well you already told me that they that your kids have kids so they they are grown and they're and uh my my kids don't my kids don't have children my I have two two sons um and my older son is on the autism spectrum he's quite disabled okay and uh uhhuh yeah all right you didn't say your kids are grown your your mother was a good grandmother meaning to to your kids okay so your kids your kids are grown you're saying you have two kids yeah and and neither of them have children correct okay and you're saying one of them is is on the autism spectrum autistic okay yeah okay and and the other son is with a male partner Okay so they don't have children okay so this is this is it look Hashem knows what he's doing um we have to look at the reality as it's presented to us and we have to figure out what Hashem is telling us in the conditions that are being created now so you have kids do not have kids and it seems to you probably there at present it doesn't seem like they're going to my question to you is okay my question to you then is what can you do and I'm sure you're already an extremely loving mother but what can you do in your mother's Merit to double and triple down on what you're doing for these two boys and you may not have to yeah you may not have an idea exactly what it is right now unless something's coming to you well with with my my son with autism I it actually is about boundaries in space like totally hovering and totally uh you know you know giving him you know honoring his strength yes as well as you know being there for his limit s it's much harder to honor his strengths and give and see him as a man I mean he's he's very very bright he's just very autistic um so that's actually more of a challenge than like doting and titting and you know all that right and you know my mother go ahead what were you saying that's actually kind of a tun if I can work on that for lots of things you have some particular Insight why that might be a meaningful uh gesture especially in context of you're doing this for your mother's Merit sounded like you you had some insight why that might be a particularly fitting thing well because you know boundaries were such such an issue issue for us it's kind of like a MH there's a gift there's a gift mom there's a gift you used the word tikun I just want to translate that for everybody that is Hebrew for correction and it really means rectification or repair in a measure for measure type of way where something that was lacking is is made whole again so you're saying in your relationship with your mother there may have been a lack of boundaries and one very fitting thing that you could do in her honor is to be more careful about the boundaries with your adult son who you have no problem giving him a lot of love but sometimes you have the problem of doing the opposite which is taking that step back and showing him respect correct okay that is so big by the way for every parent child relationship um I have a parenting course six we course and actually we're coming up again um with the course in a few weeks I only do it once or twice a year because it's all live I mean it's online but it's live interaction so I can't offer it very often but uh yeah if people want to register for the course by the way it's at soulwords dorg parenting give a plug to my own course but I'll I'll just mention to you one of the lessons we have six classes in the in the course one of the lessons is precisely about this concept it's actually a lesson five is the concept of giving space um we all know what it means to love our children but sometimes we need to do the opposite it's not not loving them it's actually honoring them by allowing them space allowing them autonomy allowing them the experience of self-discovery and we're never far far away we're we're always watching and we're ready to swoop in when we can be helpful but at the same time we're not hovering it's a huge thing for all parent child relationships and especially if you're telling me that your son is severely autistic that could be something that unfortunately people don't know how to strike that balance often um when dealing with somebody who has uh who's in that situation so and that would be very very meaningful I think and especially in the context of doing this in honor of your mother and uh yeah yeah and and and also your other son as well you can think of ways that would be meaningful to show him more support more love um you know um a mommy is a mommy forever so it doesn't matter how old he is you're his mommy and your and your and your mommy is your mom and I think there's a lot of healing going on I I I think there's a lot of healing happening here and you know I'm just thinking that you're saying that you've you've been by a lot of people when they passed and that your mother had a particularly violent passing thinking a couple things about this one of them is that you said it was kind of the way she lived so who would expect any different almost you know like the way she lived is the way she passed that makes a lot of sense to me um but also it I'm just thinking I can't get this out of my head that if she needed to have for whatever reason for her reasons she needed to leave the world without peace and that for whatever reason that was for her best benefit which we have to believe that that is the best possible scenario for her passing for her transitioning that it had to be that way even though it's not pleasant for anyone else standing around to observe I almost have to believe like Hashem gave you this ample experience of not just being in healthare but having experienced so many people in their last moments in this world almost to like if anyone had to have a violent passing and have their family with them when it happened it's almost like you you you prepared for years in order to be able to be the person most ready to be there and not be traumatized I mean it sounds like you were a little bit traumatized already but imagine somebody with no experience with these types of things um it's almost like you were prepared for years in order to be able to be there and I have zero doubt zero doubt that your physical Presence at the time of her passing was comforting to her and was meaningful I've Z doubt and the fact that you were able to be there and and not I don't know run out of the room because you were terrified I I I'm sure has has had benefit to her you know just something just came to mind that I had forgotten that um my mother's last words to me I was uh stroking her her forehead and her hair and trying to comfort her and she opened her eyes and she looked at me and she said oh you're so pretty and I feel I I now remembering it I I was thinking that was a moment of you know our souls embracing you said that that you said that you wanted her to be able in in her lifetime to be able to have that seeing each other soul to soul that was I think the word that you used or the words you used seeing each other soul to soul um I think that's what happened I think funny how that I didn't remember that you didn't remember but that's what you wanted and that's what you got and you know when people are that close to the other side they're seeing Both Worlds at the same time and I have no doubt that when she said oh you're so pretty she was seeing Both Worlds at at the same time and she was talking about your embodiment but also your your Eternal Soul at the same time so you oh my goodness you were seen yeah and I feel like I feel like I've been seen this evening for sure I'm really grateful thank you so so much okay keep pouring love into both your boys and um it should all be a merit for the elevation of your mother's soul and if you want to send us her Hebrew name and her mother's Hebrew name so that we can uh pray for her for the elev actually her her Hebrew name and her father's Hebrew name is that's how we pray for someone who's deceased we use the father's name so if you have that information do you have that information actually it's funny I just found my parents uh katuba it was going through my and the my mother the name she told me was her Hebrew name all all in my adult life is actually not what's on the katuba but I can't read the script so I I have I've asked my local kabad Rabbi to take a look at it and uh see if he could tell tell me what my mother's name actually is or take a picture of it and email me okay oh I will thank you okay and we'll figure out her name and her father's name and we'll pray for her and um I'm sure she's listening now thank than okay yeah thank you so much and you know just for the parents listening when when you said you know he was a 69y old woman and she's still working on issues with her mom you know this is an important relationship if I could put that in you know neon bulbs around that and just power with the beating of my heart I would be that parents should should really understand that yeah really important cannot emphasize it enough yeah okay thank you so much thank you so much for being uh so open and I I know that you've benefited many people by sharing your story here so thank you again hey this is shase 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