Emotional and Practical Support for Bar Mitzvah Families

Thank everybody for coming. I think I don't know if the story was known until they found and they published Rabbit's diary. Rabana wrote this story down three two times and one time she set it over to to Gordon who was the mascer at the time. Um the bar mitzvah was a very dramatic affair. blade just came to get tolav and they fought against him because he was a from RA. There was a not from faction over there. They were very not happy that he that he came in and he fought a great battle until he was truly accepted. Right around the time that he was accepted was the rabbi's barit and a massive crowd came to to celebrate by the new Rav's son's barit. You could see the envy in her writing of her son that she had from her son and she writes that there was a certain doctor an engineer. There's also from who when he came out in the middle of the bar mitzvah and he said he never saw someone say the way the rabbi said at 13 years old. There's interesting to to read is the love that a mother has for a son also though just the most interesting part of the mitzvah and this is the part that she writes twice in the same way was in the middle of our mitzvah everyone was crying and She wasn't able to get into the hole. She had no idea what's going on. She's trying to see what's going on. She sees people leaving and people are red in their in their face with with tears. And she's like asking people like what's going on over there. They said I don't know. The the the Reb's father turned to the Reba. He asked him something. Till today we don't know what that thing is. And the Reba did not answer in the affirmative. He didn't answer in the negative either, but he didn't answer the his father. And as a result of that, the Reb burst out crying. And that caused everyone in the in the in the by the bar mitzvah to to start crying. And it dampened the whole the whole bar notice on Shabas. It started at 12:00 and it ended at like a like way after Shabas, 12:00 a.m. A few hours later, everyone coming out of their mitzvah has massive smiles and they're happy and they're sweating and from from dancing and Rabbana goes back to try to find out what happened and they told her that whatever it was that their asked her asked the Reb earlier, the Reb said yes. Again, tell that we don't know what was said. He heard it orally from the Reb's mother. Reb's mother said, "Who knows? Maybe they were discussing the future of the interesting little note." The story is appropriate because although we're talking about Rebba, you see that on the day of the bar mitzvah, the Reb's father took asked the Rebba something that was so serious and so intense that caused an entire room of grown men to weep. He's 13 years old. What's he doing? It's the wrong it's the wrong uh context it seems. But no, obviously not. A baritzah is not just a party. It's not just a time where uh we we celebrate uh um a boy turning 13. There's there's there's weight to that. And I was thinking um how to convey that to the parents. Wagner was the top candidate to to discuss has a he's has a uncanny ability to bring things real. Um so without further ado, please Wagner is going to talk to us about the significance of the bar. [Applause] Hi. So we will divide into two. We'll divi we'll start with the philosophical uh element of you know more as an idea of what makes the so special and significant not the a party an event per se but the age the time the whole the transition from uh that was the title of last week from a boy to a man so uh with and then let's and then we'll talk at the end we'll drop practical in terms of how to celebrate the baritzah uh bringing out this uh this spiritual significance highlighted as spiritual significance. The one word that I always use and always means I teach whether it's sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade depending on the year there's one word that I drill in from the beginning of the year all the way through the end of the year at any given moment whether we're talking directly about baritins or not directly about permissible what we need to have in the classroom. And the one word is maturity. And obviously when I'm talking about in context of I tell the boys that becoming a man according to becoming a man according to which means that as we all know as the boys all know from is that is potter from any mitzvah kan is not responsible to do any mitzvah he's not held accountable and so to like what we're learning now with the boys that if a katan does damages he's putter to pay from the damages twice in the in the parrot it says mentions that why and it's the same reason because a child is not be is not able to be held accountable. A child is not responsible for their actions and asus actually explains at length that you could have a very wise child. You could have a child who has a lot of bino but until they become 13 they don't have das and with as elaborates on the significance of what das is. Das is that ability to connect the dots of what I did to the to the outcome that happened and that I made that happen. I'm responsible for that outcome. And a child does not have that. And therefore it cannot we cannot hold a child accountable for an action a negative action that he did. And that's why they're putter from punishments and putter from paying for what they damaged. And at the same time, we can't hold them responsible to do the right thing. They can't be they're not mitzvah. So then the boy becomes 13 and it's you know or probably taste of the night of their bar mitzvah, the night of their 13th birthday and all of a sudden boom, they're now responsible according to Tyra. Tyra views them as an adult. Tyra views them more mature than society views them and uh and sometime their parents and teachers view them and maybe they view themselves and Tyra holds that you are now an adult and you're responsible for your actions. So one thing for sure it does not happen in a split second. Absolutely not. There's no such thing. It's that's and that's really a lot of what is in the bigger sense of of training them to uh to do all the right things. It's also the of that mindset. It's the mentality that you are now a you are now a child andically you're not responsible you're considered immature and this definition of immature that you're not aware you're not aware enough at least in a dos way of who you are and what you do and you're going to be reaching this point where you're going to be held responsible and it's a process and the truth is that you have boys that are you know mature from from a younger age and 10 11 12 they're you know they're relatively mature and then you avoids it. It takes a little bit longer uh developmentally to to recognize that uh that that have that awareness that social awareness that uh that awareness for the self-awareness of course but you know the average that the that the Tyra gives is 13 and there's a beautiful explains the source how we know that's 13 and I'm not going to say now because you're going to hear by every single barita that you're going to be by. So there's no point in saying it now. Um that's the word that that really encapsulates. So one word that really encapsulates the bar mitzvah is maturity. The bar mitzvah is the the again not the party not the event but the baritzvah stage the baritzvah era when the says what it's telling us is that has that sense of connect connection to his life self-awareness social awareness and therefore the responsibility the ability and the responsibility to be able to do mitzvah so I want to delve a little bit into that to unpack what maturity is and in class we spend a lot of time and I'll give some specific stories, some specific examples that happened. We we make sure to highlight every moment that something happens obviously in a positive sense of that that was a mature decision and obviously if I have to have a conversation with a boy you know individually about in the negative sense to explain to them why that was not necessarily mature. So in in in short what is this idea of maturity? So actually you could apply this concept from as godidis calls godless to godless. In fact in the at towards the end we talk about that a kan doesn't put on valer is or the exact words are that he's not 13 years old and he only has that's the words that we use in the and it's a topic from so let's unpack that a little bit. What's God means when and since we're not only talking about a child, we're talking about a way of life, a way of serving Hashem is where I am stuck in a box. I'm stuck in a box of what I'm used to, what I'm reflexively and intuitively going to do at any given situation, at any given fork in the road of my day, what I'm kind of uh used to doing for my own nature, for my own personality, from my own disposition. And I'm going to kind of continue going in that track throughout all throughout my life. Is where I'm acting. I have I have seal I have a brain I have intellect but it's called cutless it's called small undeveloped because my brain is not actually really dictating what the decision should be it's more my what I'm used to and it doesn't even have to be a bad thing talks about it talks about and which are in way of are great things he's doing mitzvah he's loving he's hashem but it's all in a kind of natural reflexive way and is when the person opens himself up to a new reality when he goes out of that box. Whatever that box is, whatever his nature is coming, we're now in we know that's actually exactly what is all about. Being able to pick up on every mida and sub mida and be able to think how do I act in any given situation and number one can I maybe refine that behavior or maybe even as talks about the depth of sar can I maybe even change my behavior in that given situation from or to etc. the godless is with again literally great brains but it's not about being smarter it's about being open being mature being open to the another option to another ability I'm not stuck in needing to react in a certain way and the the truth is that especially even in class when we learn gumar because that's especially now sixth grade this is what I teach them I point out to the boys all the time that you can have very a very smart first grader, second grader, even third grader. And if you try it, sometimes I have boys try with their younger siblings. It's very, very hard, nearly impossible to teach them a gamarra. Teach them a even a very smart third grader, a very smart second grader. Why? Because as the boys know, cuz they're learning garra is not just and and just with more details. Gar is you have to at the same time be able to understand be able to understand the reason why should be and this mishna means that et launching gar here now but gimar you really your brain needs to be developed it's a it's a brain maturity it's a maturity of the brain and even a very smart young child is very linear it's very one track it's put I could have the best memory I'll know all the but to be able to start thinking and putter at the same time and holding keeping track of both opinions and the proofs and the schlugups and all that it's nearly impossible for a young child and the process of starting to learn Gamarra and starting to teach Gumarra is starting to learn Gamara and learning more Gamara is the ability to be able to expand your brain. So that's the same exact topic. A little bit of side point. The same exact topic in brain maturity. Here we're not talking about brain maturity. We're talking about development maturity. We're talking about emotional maturity. Uh you know psychological maturity, spiritual maturity. That's what baritzvah is. Baritzvah is a child is is is born with a nature whatever that nature is. And a child is going to live based on that nature. He's going to act. He's going to make a decision based on that nature. you could already predict exactly what a child if you know your child well you'll be able to predict exactly what the child will do in any given situation what the child will say they don't have that they don't have that ability to really think and say hey I actually have the choice and I actually have the fullon control of my behavior of my maybe even emotions and I could actually choose how to react in any given situation and let's not talk about controlling emotions it's a lot harder but even if I'm angry even if I'm upset I'm able to act in a way that doesn't reflect that upset. It doesn't reflect that that hyperness that anger or any other or any other mood that the child is in. So what does this have to do with baritzvah? So the truth is let's let's take back let's take a step back for a second. Um a fascinating trivia question is you know the baritza mimemer that we that we say the mimer that we say for baritah which just a little bit of history is the mat said by his own bar mitzvah which is very unique that a non yet officially rebat said a minorus gave his own minorus and then the freer repeated that same minor with a few additions by his bar mitzvah and uh that's the minor that we have what does that bar mitzvah minor talk about what's the main theme of the baritza minor Anyone? Let's put him on the spot. They're going to have to know now. So, filling is a is a great guess, but it's not correct. The main theme of the mimer. Yeah. The main theme of the mimer is uh Let's not put the man on the spot like that. The the main theme of the mimer is not filling. The main theme of the mime is not bar mitzvah in the sense of like, oh, then now you have to start doing this, this, you have to start putting film. It's mentioned, I quoted it before a little bit, like a few lines of parakeimal. And of course the beginning at the end of the m talks about the med shout out to Phil not to get into it but the main bulk of the mimer is about tyro is about the power of tyro and the first opening famous so we the part we all know about word for word in our sleep is uh just from from hearing so many times and testing our sons is uh that the yen said to hashem we want to do tyra day and night we want a hard tire day and night but we don't have time and hashem said okay so do fillin and that substitute and that's what the whole members come to explain how is how become a substitute for so there's a famous story that there was once a bak went to to the before his as was the custom in the earlier years and the reb would always test the boy on something whether it was the something to learn in school a random question and this particular boy the rebb asked him to start causing the mimer which was which was common enough and the and the boy started saying the he starts saying this reve from stopped them with a smile. Never said, "You're a you're a 13-y old kid. You don't have worries. You don't they had to support families. They had to uh you had to run their life." And of course, they they don't have time. So, that's what they're complaining to Hashem is, "But you have time. You're a barit. You're a 13-year-old kid. What don't you have time about?" And it's a it's a cute story, but it's a very telling story because in in in essence, that's actually the theme of the veritzer. The theme of the veritzer is telling us how now you're not a child anymore. Now you actually are responsible for your actions. Now your actions are meaningful. Now your actions mean something and your learn day and night to whatever extent you can. And obviously and then together with doing all the mitzvah. The other famous story of the Reb is the the boy who came in for American boy. Reb asked him baseball. He says he likes baseball. Uh do you go to games? He said yes. Some people want to contest the story. Never happened. But uh it couldn't have not happened. It's been repeated too many times. It happened already. If it didn't happen then it happened throughout all the stories that were said. But uh and the rabbis said um you ever go to the game? Yes. Do you have a certain team you you go for? Yes. What happens if your team is not doing well? Said if it's the bottom of the ninth and my team is not doing well and there's no way leaving so I could leave. So the asked, do the players leave if the game is not going well? Says rabbit players can't leave. They're they're the game. And the rabbi and the said, "Yeah, so until now you were a fan, you were a spectator and now you're mitzah. Now you're a player. Now you're part of the team. Now it's it's it's up to you." And it's another famous story which brings up the same point. The message of bar mitzvah is by the way the exact name bar mitzvah not bar filling not bar party and not bar getting gifts. It's bar mitzvah the age of 13. And again obviously holically it happens at a split second but it's a development. It's a it's a training that they need to go through for years. The the moment of the bar mitzvah is the moment of realizing that my actions are meaningful. My actions are important. The uh there's even a part of the baritza mimer which very subtly brings this out but I'll uh spare you for now. Tell it to your sons they need to know it. The the the message of the baritima mimer the message of bar mitzvah is the the that that awareness that you are responsible to do mitzvah. So that's simple that anyone could told could have told you that's uh that's clear in but if you dig a little bit deeper to what that means why are they becoming responsible for mitzvah? What what does it mean that now they're responsible and the answer is back to that word maturity? There's the famous story in the Gmorra of Hill that the goi wanted to become to convert and he came to Hill and he said teach me while standing on one foot and Hill answered him what you don't what you would hate for someone to do to you don't do one to someone else the rest of it is just commentary go learn it so the obvious question all the ask is okay oh of from man to man are are uh don't do unto someone Tell us what you would want done to you. But how does that work for Shabas? How does that work for Kash? How does that work for any between between man and Hashem? And Rashi answers the question in indirect way. Rashi says that when the says you should love your fellow as yourself that calls your friend and the friend of your father refers to Hashem as your friend. So Rashi says start thinking about Hashem. And basically what Hill is telling this person is start thinking about Hashem also like a fellow like someone else in your life and just like to another human being you wouldn't do to someone else what you would want to be done to you and that covers all of Mrs. Right? Think about Hashem as someone who's asking you to do something for them or or or not to do something for them. And just like you would want someone to respect your wishes, respect Hashem wishes. And in that sense, this one line covers the entire clar all mitzvah. That's exactly the message of becoming baritzvah. Stop thinking about yourself. There's something else, someone else, Hashem, your parents, your friends, your classmates, there are other people in your life. And just because you're used to acting and reacting in a certain situation because that's your nature. The message we need to train our children becoming baritah before becoming baritzah after become mitzvah doesn't stop is that ability to think what is the best thing not necessarily for myself in any given situation but what is what do I need to do? So whether it's we gave examples before I mentioned examples before of reacting out of if a child particularly struggles with anger or another child struggles specifically with being hyper and they're and they're they're used to reacting in that way teaching maturity which really means teaching bar mitzvah is to I know yes you're hyper yes you're angry maybe even validly but what are you going to do now and you're not forced to react in any s in any way just because you're used to doing that you could make your choice. I'll say uh this is something that I highlight in the classroom like I mentioned and I'll mention one story. It was a beautiful story a few years ago um when I one of the years when I taught sixth grade and a boy walked in in the morning and this boy particularly struggled a lot with it was very moody and um he had very extreme moods and he walked in one morning after breakfast for shakers and I right away saw that it's one of those days and he opens a scissor he sits down and he puts his head on like he's not going to die he's not that he was in a bad mood so I was going to go over to him and like you know try you try to keep her head up, try to dab in and something like clicked on me and said, "I'm going to I'm going to wait to see how it plays out and, you know, so I start, you know, doing preparing class for diving, etc." And after a few minutes, the boy picks his head up and starts diving and had a beautiful rest of the morning. And obviously, this wasn't the first time like this wasn't the beginning of the year. This is I don't remember exactly what points throughout the through the year, but this was with a lot of talking both to the class generally and to this point specifically about the ability to to control your emotions. And I remember highlighting that making a big deal. It's a simple story, but this is exactly a a easy and obvious example of what maturity means. Yeah, I'm in a bad mood and I'm used to it. If I when I'm in a bad mood, the whole world shuts down. I'm putting my head down. I'm I'm not doing anything. But I don't have to be like that. And the boy didn't pick his head up and was smiling and he was in a good mood. But he was he he understood that he needed to control himself. That's maturity. That's really the the spirituality. That's the the definitely the the the the rnness and the helocite of becoming our mitzvah is the ability to start tuning into what Hashem wants from us as as human beings. finish off with one beautiful story is the son of from the family. So he was a the relates a story that it was a known thing everybody who knew that whenever he said a braha he would put his right hand on his forehead and like close his eyes and concentrate like this with intense concentration every time before he said any braha. So the freed governor says that when he was a child he asked what what that's about and theat said that when he was 12 years old his father or parents took him to um it doesn't say clearly that was for mitzvah but it says he was 12 years old and was was very open with and he told him at one point he said listen to me stop being a child when you're about to make a and you're about to say think about to whom you're about to start talking and this was the instruction this was the mitzvah lesson of theat and he kept this up throughout his entire life and that's basically that's a great story to summarize this whole point when you're dinging when you're doing any mitzvah you're talking to Hashem you're talking to someone there's someone here in your life besides for all the other people in your life and the bit needs to be cognizant of that to be aware of that to be to to to to bring that into all your actions and all your reactions the way you react to situations with the understanding that there's something real happening in my life at this moment. Just to uh that that's the philosophy of the mitzvah and just to finish up with two quick points about the practical uh revolution. We'll talk little more about the practical environment. It's a thing. But just on the spiritual side, the first thing is we all know very clearly that um it's a famous thing in Lavich that the Reba dis discouraged lane for baritah. It's a more of American um custom um and the Reb highly discouraged. The Reb said that it puts a pressure unnecessary pressure. It's totally not a thing that the boy needs to lame. It puts on an extra pressure and more specifically it takes away from the focus which is supposed to be baritah to learn the what's necessary. So two things number one we need to be aware of that we need to be aware that it's not to lane by baritah now does that mean it's user does that mean that uh you know if the kid wants to lane so this is where we need to be a little bit uh mention yeah we need to understand the context in any situation there are certain boys that for whatever reason they they feel they want to leave I I was recently speaking to a parent of a student from many years ago um and they and uh the younger boy is was just permitted recently and the younger boy wants to lane for whatever reason. So the father actually made a deal with him said you want to lane so you I'll I'll hire you know he could learn laning but we also have to set aside time every day to go through and they did that. So he used that as a as a negotiating tip. Beautiful. So the kids learning before he almost finished before their mitzvah. Um similarly some boys that they need that just for their for their boost of self-confidence and if they could do it. So again, it's important to to realize like what we're if we're saying no to the child and can't blame, what are we saying no to? So definitely to suggest it to the child to uh uh make the child do leaning. Absolutely not. The Reb made it very clear that's that's not smart. There's no point in it. And then the second thing of practical importance in the spiritual sense for the moment is the myra. The mimer is a very very holy moment. It's a moment as we know like when we and everyone when anyone causes any mimer that the are present in this case specifically the the shabba and I guess sure the rebba um are present by the aritzvah it's a very holy moment the baritzah is hard the the m is hard and you know as much as possible that could be done balp should be done balp should be encouraged to do balp if it's not possible to do balp especially if you can't do the whole thing balp part could be done inside but definitely that the voice should realize that this is that this is where he needs to put his attention to definitely more than laning definitely more than uh than anything else that might come in the way of aritzah the main prep as a lab boy going to armit should be the and then of course there's the question of the yiddish versus and it's technically the same answer um best is yiddish the always yiddishes yiddish is the language of of the language of but again if it's not possible if the child never had any exposure to yiddish and it would be way too hard and way too uh uncomfortable so that's That's why there's the lash kitesh version. So um obviously it's on a case to case basis how b inside yiddesh lash kesh but however it's being done the one thing for everyone for every child for every baritza boy to know is that the baritzvah mimer is the central part of the barit celebration of the bar mitzvah of the holiness of the baritz event. So I give you all a bra that you should enter this stage of preparing for your son mitzvah with uh smoothness with clarity with and you should be able to talk sit by the bar mitzvah celebration and and feel the spiritual energy and feel the spiritual holiness that is there definitely there by the baritzvah and uh and be able to use that to to uh boost the child's growth into the next stage of his life of ventilation circumstances. [Applause] Thank you every um when we were thinking to make this event um we thought we could do one of two ways. We make a checklist. We go through here are our policies, here are the the practices and uh go do them. [Music] Um obviously we're in the we're in the business of education. So we feel that if we educate there's going to be a better connection and uh aside from us to you and from you obviously to your to your son. When I told a friend of mine that we're doing this uh this event and the structure of the event he told me it's I wish my my I wish I went to Ocean. Why? Because when I was a buffer, I didn't lane when um but I started laning after and I used to get so nervous that every single time before I laned, I would go to the bathroom and throw up. And if only someone gave me a few tools how to deal with that stress. He said this PES he was sitting by a by by at night in with a few bak unfortunately one of the bak over there told him that he's struggling with uh with keeping shabas and putting on film like basic stuff and he said that every single time he walks into our sh he gets nervous because his father used to make him sit and d from the stand next to him with a very draconian way and he can't he can't he just gets very very anxious from it and he doesn't even know how to cope with it. So, so when when uh looking to plan this event, I thought that it would be very appropriate to have um someone who deals with with these kind of things, especially um someone like Mendel Kleman who specializes in relationships. So, I think that if a parent and and a child have a good relationship with each other and the parent is able to explain and express to to their son um the feelings that he's going through, um it's going to make it much easier for him. So, first of all, I want to commend each for doing that. And I want to commend each of you because you chose to take the time to actually, you know, think about it like how do we do this right? And I think that is so much of the process. So much how we do this right is simply being intentional. And when we're intentional about these things, we're already halfway there because we can be open. Okay, I learned something new today. I want to find you can even tell your kid like, "Oh, I actually want to adjust something that I said with shared with you the other day." and and we can keep keep that ball moving in a nice way. So I just want to share it's actually simil it's interesting it's similar to the model of the evening overall which is like the divine blueprint and then we'll move to like the psychosocial blueprint and then some practical elements. So I was touched by an article that I read by Rabbi Jonathan Saxs. By the way, feel free to pipe in at any point if you have any thoughts, reflections. He said as follows, the Jews left Egypt. Um so he he says he would sometimes give audiences a thought experiment. He would say the Jewish you're you're you're addressing a nation that's just been through centuries of torment and and oppression. And now you have a person who's addressing them and and the words that you're going to speak to them are going to stay with them forever. So you would ask the crowd like what would you tell them? What would you tell the people? And some people say freedom. And you and you think about like famous examples in history. And some would say you know tell them about the great land that they're about to enter. Others would say like warn them that the journey is going to be long. And interestingly if you look at the pukim the three things that mish keeps coming back to by the guidance of the divine is children education and the distant future and essentially with the divine guidance was basically teaching that if you want to plan for a year plant rice. If you want to plan for a decade plant a tree. If you want to plan for eternity educate a child. And so like when a child asks a question, don't feel threatened. They're doing exactly what a child is supposed to be doing. And it's like, yeah, let's figure this out. And I and I'll share a nice anecdote later about them. Um, yeah. So, if we are going to positively educate and impact children in this way, right, like there's a line that says we're we can only impact another person to the extent that we're ready to be impacted, right? If I really want to impact another human being, I need to be open to that. And that's why I want to spend a moment um going through like what are the things that are going through in a child's world at this stage. Um and I'm going to use there's there are many theorists that that you know sort of give a framework for a child development, but I'm actually going to use Eric Ericson. The reason why I like to use him is firstly because his his theories resonate personally, but also because I think they're very much aligned with our tradition and values. For example, like he saw the the the child development, he didn't just see it as limited to early childhood. Rather, he saw it across the lifespan. And he also saw it as every single t every single stage of a person's life, there are tasks. There are there are issues that they need to face. And when they face those things effectively, it it it develops that part of their personality as they move forward. And obviously the opposite takes place if not. So, the beauty of that, and we'll get into it a a little bit more of this later, is that it's very hopeful because, as we all know, we're all at different ages and stages, and we're sometimes we're still figuring stuff out that happened to us 20 years ago, and sometimes we're still navigating stages of development that maybe we should have in a in a more innocent world have developed when we were much younger. So, it's very hopeful, but it's also very real that at every stage, there are key things that are important that need to be navigated. So the two stages that are most relevant to this age are the school age stage which is basically from 6 to 11 and the adolescent age which is 12 to 18. I'm just going to give you a brief overview of each. So the school age is basically like the child is navigating um inferiority versus like competence, right? So so when a child enters this age there's a lot of new demands. like when he's young and he's at home and all his needs are being cared for, that's like he's developing trust and we can get into that another time. But then by the school age phases all of a sudden all these demands school wants him to do things his friends are are there's like the social world that's starting right so all of these new demands exist in his life and when he faces those tasks appropriately he develops a sense of like oh I can do things in this world I'm actually able to get things done and the opposite happens when that doesn't take place the next stage is adolescence adolescence the key task then is to develop a sense of personal identity. Who am I in this world? Who am I? Not not what does someone else want me to be, but rather who am I? What is my identity? How how am I going to be true to myself? Who am I in this world? What's my place in this world? Now, as a person faces these tasks, by the way, I want to stick something in before I get to the next point is that it's interesting like on PES in I was it was a kabash actually and a guy said to me, he says, you know, he's not a laboratory. Like I noticed that a lot of the boys like when I grew up going to Shaw, all the young boys always stood near their fathers. And I see in this Shaw, like a lot of the boys are just like like as soon as they turn 13, they're like off sitting like not near their fathers. And uh so I thought I thought it was an interesting observation. And I told him that I think that part of it is like at this age, you know, it's like a kid is going to try to find any possible way to show like I'm me. I'm not you. So when we when when we appreciate that that's actually a healthy part of this phase, it allows us not to be threatened. When a kid is showing us those those moves, he's just trying to figure out, wait, who am I? Not in relation to you. That's actually a healthy step. So instead of being threatened by that, we can allow them in in healthy boundaries obviously we can allow them to get we can actually encourage exploration encourage yeah like who are you figure it out I can help you figure it out but you are your own person and I'm going to help you along to figure that out. So there are there are like a number as as a child faces these tasks there's a number of areas that arise and it would require a whole separate presentation to go into each of these but I'll just mention them because as I'll say them you'll hear which of the ones your kid excels in and which are the ones have been more of a challenge right so there's the academic realm as a child faces that realm and does well he feels good I can do things in this world the social realm as we said behavioral bullying which by the way is an interesting one because um bullying Like I I believe like close to close to 90% of people I believe at one point or another experience some form of bullying. So it's not some isolated thing. And interestingly on the other end too like six out of 10 people will admit that at one point they committed some sort of bullying if to another person. So it's it's a very real part of a child's life. Um, and then there's challenges at home, which are not necessarily anybody's fault, but nevertheless really affect a child. And then there's child demand development, which I think there was a separate event on. And then there's self harm. So these are all worlds, but I'm just mentioning them because they're are very key pieces at this space. Um, so as we said, one of the beautiful things of utilizing this lens is that it's hopeful because even if we don't get it right the first round, okay. So then so then we'll that will show itself to us and we can cross that bridge at the next opportunity. So how do how now that we've sort of set this stage right the divine blueprint and the psychosocial blueprint how do we actually go about facing these error how do we actually support a child in facing this journey so the first thing I'd say is pray meaning um We're right parents are entrusted with an ashama and when we davin two things happen first of all you're literally opening spiritual channels for yourself and your child but another thing happens is that the whole conversation changes. It's the recognition that it's not me. It's not it's not me and you. We're in the presence of something greater and we're constantly asking Hashem, give me the right words. help me be present with this human being. Help me guide this mush in the way that it needs to go. So it's it's it changes not just meaning first of all like we said it literally brings braha but it actually changes the flavor. It changes the feelings of our conversations. Um and and here is appropriate to mention that sometimes parents could get anxious about their son's connection to Yiddish. They hear it all the time like how am I going to make sure he stays? How am I going to make sure he loves Yiddish? And the answer is actually both scary but also comforting which is that the answer is the honest truth is we can't make sure that someone else is going to stay from and we can't make sure that a boy is going to love every single aspect of yushkai. So the sooner we accept that we can actually say hey what is actually in our control what's in our control is to teach and model Yiddish that's healthy happy and holy right I can't control it's actually in a way it's actually the most beautiful thing because it connects to what we said earlier your child is finding out who he is I can't control you are your own human being but children also sense when we trust them I know you're that's who you are I see you as a divine soul So, you got this. I trust you. Our kids feel when we're nervous or like, oh, I got to micromanage every single aspect of your life to make sure you're going to be exactly who I want you to be. Or if I trust your inherent goodness that you're going to figure this out cuz you are godly. Hashem's going to help you, you're good. Um, and this brings us to a key point which is under so much of these conversations is there's no shortcuts when it comes to truly influencing a child for the good. both developmentally and spiritually. Rather, the more we're in tune with our own personal growth and our own genuine relationship with Hashem with Yiddish, then the children in our lives experience that and witness that experientially and they're like, "Oh, this they know what it feels like to be a Y that's healthy, happy, and holy." So like this is something that I was recently thinking about in prep for this event because let's say we had Pes, right? Queso has a very classic yumuk where it triggers a lot of different things for a lot of different people. And I was thinking about it's a it's a great model to sort of like whenever a person notices whenever a parent notice I notice a certain mitzvah or a certain thing is triggering me it's worth spending the time figuring out what's going on there. Why? Because what happens is when you're able to to disentangle wait why is that particular miss or like you you mentioned the uh the example in the short right like why is this particular part of Yiddish so why does it contain such a trigger for me when you figure that out you're actually going to be able to see that most of the time it had nothing to do with most of the time there was some other toxicity someone's anger or someone's micromanagement or some other negativity that was brought into the mitzvah which now your association to that mitzvah is now tarnished, right? So, when we take the time ourselves to disentangle these pieces, we're now able to offer a child a mitzvah without all of that baggage, right? And we're and another another interesting thing is that sometimes sometimes when a parent maybe went through a certain thing with they say, I'm going to make sure my kid never has that kind of pes and it goes like the other extreme, but but the other extreme brings other issues, right? So rather a much better way is to say wait what's going on for me and to disentangle my own experience with that now I'm able to offer this child his own experience and guess what the same thing that triggered you might not trigger him at all and the and something that you always loved he might not relate to at all. So it's it's sort of honoring our own experience but then holding space to allow them to have their own. Um yeah so as we do that we're able to we're able to uh give that to them as well. So now let's move into some of the more practical um things that that come up during this phase. So one is that anxiety and nerves ahead of the is actually very normal and and expected part of the process. This can show up as like general anxiety. Like sometimes I could ask a kid and he won't I'll say like is there a certain thing that you're nervous about? And they'll say no. And I'll just say like and it's just like general I feel anxious, right? Not always is it connected to a particular thing. Sometimes it will be related to a specific thing like public speaking, um social anxiety. Uh and the good news is though is that we can take steps to notice it and and reduce it to whatever to whatever meaning say a certain amount of anxiety is healthy and normal. We'll get into how we can channel it. But there are steps for example like now I think most of you still have some time before right? So this is a big one. When when the time is taken like in advance as possible of setting up for yourself and the child how it's going to go, how each part of the process is going to go that actually allows ourselves and them to feel at ease and there's enough time and the process can actually be enjoyable instead of it being like last minute there's like this much time left to learn. So make sure you get the whole line because we this it's like okay what are we you have a conversation with them. What are we going to do? what what are what what are our press going to be? How how are we going to successfully um be ready? And and we have enough time, we're having the conversation now when there's enough time to actually do it. And then once that stage is set, then anxiety actually serves its intended purpose, which is anxiety is only a problem if it stops us, if it paralyzes us. But if anxiety fuels us to do to do what we need to do, it's actually serving us a purpose. So I do this with kids all the time. Like when you feel that anxious feeling it's like wait a second stop for a second and say I have my mitzvah in 2 and 1/2 months from now what are what am I trying to achieve by then and ask them like what are your goals and say okay so like when I feel that way it's like no there is actually something I can do with that feeling emotion is energy in motion I can take that energy and channel it into something that will actually help me have a good barita and like Rabbi Wagner mentioned laning like like prioritize you know like just because you know like there's different people have different expectations. It's like what is actually most important? And if you know for this kid that pressuring him to do something that's not actually key, let it go. Um yeah, like we said, you want to communicate how you're going to do things that they know. Um some some boys are also going to pick up um if there's financial stress. Now, this is an interesting one because it's an it's an opportunity to share with a child your your values. What what are your values? What are what where are you going to choose cuz most kids know if their parents are not billionaires, right? And say like we're choosing to spend our funds on what matters most to us. That's what we're choosing to spend to spend on. And also, you want to strike the balance between that like sharing our values, but at the same time, not like overburdening them. Don't make the emphasis on the financials. Make the emphasis on the values. Why where are we choosing to spend? Where are we choosing to invest? And that's what they receive. That's the bulk of what they receive when we do that. Um, another thing is when the kids start the phase which some of you touched on earlier of bar shaproni. On the one hand, it's like very exciting for a kid. It's like, oh, I don't belong to you guys anymore. I'm a free person. I can do whatever I want. I'm my own man. But it could also come with a certain amount of pressure of like every single thing I do. Actually had a kid last week that said like his Burmese is coming up in a week and he's like he's like um what like 8 like whatever it says on that night. He's like at 8:38 I'm just like a different person whatever. So we had a whole conversation about what that actually means. But um so sometimes it can come with like a certain certain pressure of like every single thing I do is gonna is going to you know like I'm I'm being accounted for. Um and here is where it comes to a it comes to a very central theme which which applies to this and in general which is misfus the more we're able to present those things as opportunities rather than sources of pressure. Right? So that means to say and this by the way is not is not not in any way cutting back on our values. It's not in any way saying you know liberalistic no everything's fine nothing matters. No we're saying everything matters and there and every every one of these moments are opportunities. These are precious opportunities most precious opportunities. The more we connect, the more we share those those messages and every mitzvah is another opportunity. Now it becomes something inviting and something that a child wants to be part of. It's a joyous exciting thing that I want to connect to. This is an opportunity that I have and that becomes the feeling. Um and like we said like like they sense when how we see their relationship with Hashem. We trust that they got this. We trust their connection. And also seek to understand the unique nature of your child. If you know for your kid that that um that a particular thing is going to be very difficult for him and it's not a it's not a it's not let it go. If you know that a particular thing is going to be hard for him, give him that prep before. You know this I know that this particular thing is hard for you. How do how can we do this to make it a little less intense for you? Um and the more also like another thing is like to break it down into smaller steps. When we break it into like doable steps, then the kid feels like, "Oh, I could do this." Which which again, keeping in mind the stage, right? This kid wants to feel like I can actually do things in this world. When we break it down into doable steps, he feels like a million bucks. He did one step today. He knows where he's going. He's moving toward success. Um, and then another interesting thing to keep in mind is that different valleys are going to create different events, right? So I would say to both parties, I mean say if somebody's planning a more elaborate event, try to just bear in mind that not everyone is able to do that and how it might affect the feelings of others. And at the same time, if you're somebody who's not doing such an elaborate thing, that's okay, too. You can tell your kid, you know something, different people have different preferences and it's fine. We're going to be okay. There's some people do it this way, some people do it that way. So it's less of that like jealousy and this one and that one. It's more like it's a part of life. We're different. Different people do it in different ways. And I would say to both parties, the people who tend to go more elaborate, be aware that not everyone can do that. And the people that are going the other way, that's fine. You say like, "Yeah, it's part of life. Some people do it this way, some people do it that way." [Music] Um, I would just share one more thing in the practical and then I want to finish with two um overarching anecdotes that that I think are are very meaningful for this. And that is the the general maintaining seeking to maintain an open and safe communication channel with a child. Now a lot of times like now now is the barissa phase for example but sometimes people will reach out at different crossroads in a child's life and be like okay I need to talk to my kid about this and and very often the these channels start from the earliest days of a child's life that that that a kid learns right like how do this is a classic like how do we respond if a kid comes to us and tells us something that we didn't want to hear right like notice our own reactions how do we respond when that happens right If our response is we get all nervous ourselves and we get all upset and we get even even subtly because kids pick it all up, right? Kids pick up when we're when we're not really accepting them, we're not really okay with them. So then that's they learn with time the more that happens with time they're like, "Oh, I can't actually share what's going on with me with you cuz every time I do, I see that some part of you is shutting me out." Right? So these channels are something that that we constantly maintain and being aware of like you know how how is this channel going and then when that channel is secure and and working then when an issue arises or when a major milestone like this arises there there there is a foundation to have these conversations in a very open and honest way. So it's interesting so like I was saying I'll finish yeah sure I would perhaps venture to say that I think our children maybe give us a little bit more leeway than we might even give ourselves that they they may sense that we have a certain comfortability or uncertainty about how this is going to go, but they see us trying to lean into it. They see that we're, you know, trying to be open to the space that we are now and the challenge they're going through. And I think that as long as they see that we're willing to work with them and meet them the best we can, I think they will continue because it's not like all or nothing 100% beautiful and that's and that touches on like what we were speaking about earlier as long as we we are trying to do this in an intentional space kids feel that and and if we mess up that's by the way a super powerful thing also I mess up with a kid apologize to them not from a way of losing your role as the parent like oh I'm so sorry no I'm a parent but as a parent I realize I made a mistake and I apologize for that that's super powerful because now I'm I'm modeling to this kid two things I'm modeling that it's that we're all human and we all make mistakes. And I'm also modeling how I effectively apologize if I mess up. I don't need to avoid it. I don't need to know I'm a tati. I don't make mistakes. I'm we're all human. Join the club. You're also human. And then the kid is like so so thank you for sharing that. Um so it's interesting. I actually asked some boys in prep for this event. I was like, "What would you share with parents that would help bar mitzvah boys?" the two themes that emerged that I found very meaningful um one was and this is this is very to me it's very precious because it's coming from from bar mitzvah boys um is that one said that whatever project like whatever it is you're working on with your kid m or whatever it is it should all be done in a way that's enveloped in love and joy kid told me and I asked him why and he said because because then it becomes something that a kid wants to do and he wants to be connected to it like this is something that he wants to keep with them moving forward. So I thought that was very beautiful and the other one and this is actually not coming from a kid who's like some musket you know sometimes you have some kids that are they're young and they're already telling everybody what's right and what's wrong this kid's nature is not like that at all and yet he shared that that that he wants parents to know not to get caught up in all the in all the externals this celebration that celebrations like not to lose sight of what this event is actually all about. So I wanted to share that with you because I thought that was very special coming from you know the their mouths. So on a final note um and if you notice a lot of what I focus on today is going to be expressed in this anecdote and and the reason why I'm intentionally spending so much time is because I think it does underly so much of these conversations and this was also like a lot of times before I do these events I literally do and I ask like give me what I need to say like tell me whatever whatever I need to share should I should come to me and this and totally this is an event this is an incident that I always remember like if you would have asked me two weeks weeks ago, I would have remembered that it happened. But in conversation with a friend last week, it became clear to me in a whole different way. So, this happened when I was when I was um probably like um 10. Yeah, I'll say like 9 or 10 years old. And I remember distinctly I was I was like the way our house is set up there's like the dining room and we always every time it was like the guest and this and we bring all the trays of food like from the kitchen to the to the dining room and and I'm like a young innocent kid who's doing you know like we were every day learning a different thing they need to do in Yiddish and like I'm carrying out my one of these Friday nights or Shabas day I don't remember. I'm carrying out these my two hands are full and I like turned to my mother who was at the sink. And I was like, "What do I do? I can't My hands are full. I can't kiss the muzza." How would you Oh, maybe we should do a thought experiment. How would you answer that question? Anybody want to offer? How would you How would you deal with that? If you're in the kitchen, you're at the sink and your kid is holding and like I I was You're like, I can't kiss them. Blow kiss. What was that? Blow. Okay. Nice. Anybody else? It's not a test. I just Yeah. Put it down and focus. And then go back. Life is not complicated. The touching of the is just the ritual. It's in order to focus on correct. Correct. Exactly. So that's that's exactly what we're getting at. So and it's so cool because I I'll share with I spoke to my mother about it now cuz I want to hear her perspective. Without without even thinking, she said, "Turn to the muza and say I love you, Hashem." And it's very interesting because I remember this incident. I was talking to a friend who's journeyed with the other guy since and I shared this story with him and he was blown away because I think in a lot of his experience or or in many people's experience when a kid does something like this like oh what do I do? So sometimes parents will go to to it's to a two different place. Sometimes they'll say um they like join the question like oh yeah like let's talk what's the you're and it's like there's a missed opportunity here right and then other times sometimes without knowing we'll say like what's the big deal like whatever so you can't kiss him. What message did we just send the kid? He's going to yes every day being taught you have to kiss them. Then as soon as it's a little bit like it doesn't exactly work, oh it's fine. Just like keep walking. What did we just teach him, right? And and in in this response, my mother was saying like you like you pointed out like it's not like yeah that all of the physical things that we're commanded to do are all super key, but they're all rooted in an essential relationship that we have with Hashem. And like till today and the reason why I'm sharing with you is because till today this story reverberates only when I spoke about it with my friend recently did I realize how till today this this story reverberates in me that told I could I'm an adult now it's how many years later every time I walk through a room even if I do have my hands available I still I still pull back to that awareness that this is about a relationship it's about a connection so I wanted to leave you with that story let me see when I share it with my mother yeah she was obviously you know it's very interesting for her to reflect fact or maybe maybe I did even could have even did the same thought experiment with her. I was like, you know, what do you think you answered? You know what? And I think she even said the same thing because I think it's a reflection of who she is and like that's another thing we spoke about is the more we become that we're able to then pass it along to the next generation. So, thank you.