Emor: The Rebbe, The Rebbetzin and the Students of Rabbi Akiva

Dear friends, welcome to this week's virtual drasha. This week we have the incredible privilege to parshas Emor. And amongst all the beautiful mitzvahs that we have in the parsha, the Torah tells us about the mitzvah of Sefiras Haomer, counting the Omer, the mitzvah in which we are currently engaged. The Torah says, this is in parak of gimmel, pasuk tes, chapter 23, verse 15. Usfartem lachem moharas hashabbos, you shall begin to count, literally translated from the day after shabbos, which we understand actually means from the second day of Pesach. Miyom havi acharemes omer tenufah, from the day that you bring the carbon omer, which is a special barley offering that we bring on the second day of Pesach, and you shall count sheva shabbosos temimos, count seven complete seven complete weeks, 49 days. And then on the 50th day, ad me moharas hashabbos hashishi tishru chamishim yom, and then on that 50th day, they craft them mincha chadasha laHashem, you shall offer up a new mincha, which is a reference to remember the 50th day is Shavuos. The 50th day is Shavuos, and we offer up a special offering called the shtei halechem, two loaves that come from the new year's crop of wheat, incredible. But we also know that these days are laced with a tragic overtone based on the events that we read in the Gemara Maseches Yevamos, daf samech alef beis, on page 62b, where the Gemara says as follows. Famous Gemara that we're all aware of, shnei asar alafim zugim talmidim hayu lo l'Rabbi Akiva. Ultimately again, Rabbi Akiva had 12,000 pairs of students, 24,000, the future, the best and brightest of Klal Yisrael. Migavas adan tipus, from one end of the land all the way to the other end, vechulan meisu beparak echad, and they all died unfortunately during the same time frame. And the Gemara identifies what's the time frame between Pesach and Shavuos. So what happened? What happened? These were not ordinary individuals. What what occurred? The Gemara says, why did they all die during such a short amount of time? Mipnei shelo nahagu kavod zeh lazeh. Because they did not give, literally, proper honor, proper respect, one to the other. And the Gemara is baffling. The Gemara is baffling because it's important to understand who we're talking about. These are the students of Rabbi Akiva. Rabbi Akiva was leader of the generation, and presumably he was training the leaders for the next generation generations. These were the best of the best. These were the kodesh kodashim, the holiest of the holy. And how could it be? In other words, what what was the sin? What was the mistake? Mipnei shelo nahagu kavod zeh lazeh. And much rabbinic ink has been spilled over the generations trying to understand what exactly the nature of this machlokes of this issue was. So it was clearly some type of interpersonal challenge that the students of Rabbi Akiva had with one another. You know, the Baal HaTanya says that they were just solely focused on their own spiritual growth, didn't really care about the other that much. Figured "Ech karav od od divrei Yisrael to build up the self, why worry about the other?" Okay? Other possibilities explain that maybe there was just a lack of simple niceness. Sometimes we forget just that we have an obligation to just be nice to each other, just just to be good with each other. But whatever it whatever it means, there was some type of breakdown on the interpersonal level that led to the premature demise of 24,000 budding talmidei chachamim. There was some type of interpersonal collapse that led again to the tragic death of the future leaders of Klal Yisrael. And just you understand how profound and how traumatic this loss was, the Gemara says, after these 24,000 students died, the Gemara says, "V'haya olam shamem." The world was desolate. The world was desolate. There was almost like an existential threat, like what what what is going to be the future of Klal Yisrael? Rabbi Akiva had tremendous strength, Rabbi Akiva had tremendous spiritual stamina. So he went on, he found five new talmidim, he rebuilt. But for that moment, after the death of these 24,000, it was not clear that there was a path forward. The world, the spiritual world of the Jewish people was absolutely unequivocally desolate. And of course we know that that's why, because of this story, Sefira's [clears throat] a time when we focus a bit more on our relationships. You know, throughout the year we should be focusing on our relationships, but Sefira really there's a hyper focus on bein adam l'chavero. What could we do to improve our relationships with the other, whether it's with family members, whether it's a marriage, whether it's friendship, whether it's just generally relating to people who are maybe different than ourselves. Sefira, these days, when we saw such an interpersonal collapse, these are the days when we try to work on our relationships a little bit better, to try to invest a little bit more, to identify perhaps the relationships that are frayed or broken or strained, and try to figure out how we can improve them. And there are many different strategies that we can employ to better our relationships. Obviously again, there's not necessarily one strategy because every relationship is different, every dynamic is different. But I want to share with you something amazing that I think we could apply to all of our life relationships, whether they're doing wonderfully or whether they're a bit strained. If we inculcate this piece of advice during these days, when we mourn for collapsed relationships, when we mourn for the unraveling of the interpersonal contact between the future leaders of Klal Yisrael, we'll be able to lift up the general level of relationships to unprecedented heights. There's a beautiful story that's told about the Lubavitcher Rebbe, zichrono livracha. So the Rebbe always had like a like a shammash, you know, someone kind of like who who was with him in the house, just help oversee things, help to manage the house, help to manage life. So in the story, this individual is not named. I guess it was probably a rotating position. But the chassidim always used to ask people asked to ask like this gabbai, this shammash, you know, about the different details in the Rebbe's house. After all again, you know, this shammash, this gabbai, this was the guy who got to see me acharei hapargod, from behind the curtain, right? Everyone else saw the Lubavitcher Rebbe outside, you know, in the Beis Medrash, at 770, in the world, the farbrengen. But like what was the Rebbe like at home? What was the Rebbe like again behind the curtain? So they would always pepper this gabbai, this shammash, with a lot of different questions. And one time they asked him a fascinating question. They said, "What does the Rebbe call his Rebbetzin?" Like, you know, let's say I don't know, the Lubavitcher Rebbe is in the kitchen, the Rebbetzin is in the in in in in the living room, and he needs to call his Rebbetzin, he needs to call out to her. He's like, "What What does he call her?" It's an interesting question. Does he call her Rebbetzin? Does he How much What What What does he call her? Dear, you know, what what How does the Rebbe refer to his Rebbetzin? And in the story, the gabbai thought about it for a moment, and he said something amazing. He said, "I don't know what the Rebbe calls the Rebbetzin for one simple reason. I've never ever heard the Rebbe call out to the Rebbetzin. If he wants her, he goes over to her. He finds her. He finds where she is, and he walks to her. He never summons the Rebbetzin to him. He always goes to her." And it is such an incredibly overwhelming story. It's a beautiful story in terms of shalom bayis. It's a beautiful story in terms of marriage. But I think it's also a profound lesson in all interpersonal relationships. See, sometimes what we don't realize we do in relationships is we call, so to speak, call out to people to come to us. I want a relationship, but I'm going to create the terms of the relationship, and I need you to come to me. I need you to do for me. And then when people don't come to us, and people don't satisfy the criteria or the needs that we've created, we become disillusioned, we become dissatisfied, we become upset, we withdraw, we give up, we throw in, whatever it might be. I think what the Rebbe was teaching us was, in life, if you want meaningful relationships, don't expect people to come to you. You go to people. Don't call out for other people to come to you. You go to people. Meaning what? Don't spend your life creating expectations of others. Because we create expectations, and first of all, who's to say the expectations are realistic? And who's to say the other person even knows about the expectations or agreed to the expectations? Don't create expectations of others and expect them to conform. But rather again, you go and you seek out the relationship. You want your wife, you go to her. You want your parent, you go to him. You want your kid, you go to them. You want a friend, you go to them. Stop summoning people to you. Stop creating expectations, and then expecting people to go ahead and fulfill them. The Rebbe never called out to his Rebbetzin. If he wanted her, he went to her. And lesson number two, I think is when machlokes happens. You know, in every relationship, even the best of relationships, there are arguments, there are disagreements, and dare I say, there may even be fights. And even in the most loving and passionate of marriages, a husband and wife can have a significant falling out. Parents and children love each other to no end, but there could be separation. And friends could be literally again menafshi, k'shura benafsho, but something happens and we push apart. And sometimes, in those moments of machlokes, we know what happens. I say, "Okay, I'm ready to reconcile. But the other person needs to make the first step in reconciliation, because hey, at the end of the day, I was right, they were wrong. I am the aggrieved party. So if I am the aggrieved party, then [clears throat] they must take the step towards me. And by the way, I'm open. I'm open, and yes, I'm going to be mojel. I'm not going to be an axer, I'm not going to be diff- a diff- indifferent or difficult. I am going to forgive, but I'm not taking the first step. I think what the Rebbe teaches us is that if you really want to be a person of shalom, be willing to take the first step even if you are right. Be willing to take the first step perhaps even if you are the aggrieved party. Because at the end of the day, you know, the Sfas Emes says so beautifully, the biggest difference between adults and children that the Rebbe says is that children value being happy over being right. Adults value being right over being happy. Which is why in general there's a lot more happier kids than there are adults. We have to begin to value being happy over being right. And sometimes that willingness to reconcile, even if I was right, right, the willingness to take the first step towards reconciliation. Don't call out to someone. Go. Go. You have a frayed relationship? I but I'm not at fault, but I didn't do it. Okay, I got it. You're right. You're right. You didn't do it. But you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? I think all of us, if given the choice between being right and being happy, I want to be happy. I want to be happy. And sometimes being happy requires me to swallow my pride a little bit. Requires me to go ahead and kind of get off the pedestal of being right. Figuring out, how can I just make shalom? How can I create peace? How can I go ahead and help to smooth this over even though I am the aggrieved party? But I'm not going to spend my life waiting for someone else creating expectations, calling out for someone else. If I want happiness and if I want shalom, sometimes you have to create that for yourself. So, what exactly was the s- the the mistake of the students of Rabbi Akiva? I don't know. I don't know. And the truth is, maybe chazal are purposely vague because it doesn't matter. In other words, that was the mistake of the students of Rabbi Akiva. That was between them and Hakadosh Baruchu. Maybe it's not for us to know because it's not for us to stand in judgment. But the lesson is clear. These are days where tragedy happened because our interpersonal relationships collapsed on a large scale. And therefore these have to be days where we once again become attentive to the quality and to the fabric of all of our relationships. And the Rebbe teaches us, don't spend your life calling out to other people to come to you. You go to them. Number one, don't create expectations of people and then expect them to fulfill them. But if you want something from someone, be willing to go to them instead of creating expectations and waiting for them to fulfill them, just go and engage the other. And if we have frayed relationships, if we have strained relationships, if we have difficult relationships, and we all do, sometimes it is so much better to be happy than to be right. And instead of waiting for the other to come to me to reconcile, maybe it's good that I swallow my pride a little bit, to swallow my hurt a little bit, to take the first step forward towards reconciliation. Don't wait for the other to come to you because maybe they'll never come. But if I'm willing to go and engage, who knows what we would kind of accomplish? And perhaps if we internalize these lessons, this beautiful lesson of the Rebbe, this this two-pronged lesson of the Rebbe, then with Hashem, perhaps we could turn these days into days of reconciliation. We could turn these days into days of ahavas chinam. We can turn these days into days in which we rebuild difficult and frayed relationships. And in that way perhaps transform the very fabric of these days from days of mourning into days of simcha. Wishing everyone a good night and shabbos and a beautiful shabbos kodesh.