The One Thing That Makes All The Difference Between Marital Harmony & Marital Disconnect

[Music] thank you so first of all thank you very much it's uh Emmett is doing tremendous work and I greatly appreciate being a part of whatever I can do um so this book that everybody mentioned which everyone's going to get a copy of the sponsor the copy for everyone um is a book that I wrote Because as I've ever mentioned um I the past maybe 10 15 years I've dealt with hundreds and hundreds of couples and I cannot tell you the amount of times that I'll be sitting across some couple and I say to myself I don't believe it what are you guys doing they're good people smart people and you're destroying each other's lives and they don't get it so if you get a chance take the book please read it what I'd like to share with you this evening is some of the 10 really dumb mistakes are very smart goals like I'm not going to give you all over me you're still going to read the book but I'm going to start to give you a little bit of a sense of the feel of it and I'd like to begin with an overview of marriage in general so let's begin with the following this week's partial Avro movino lifts up his eyes and on the horizon he sees three Wayfarers he thinks that Travelers and Arabs he runs out to greet them he bows down full face from the fence in the sand on the toggle mail don't you please do not pass your your master please come in he welcomes them in he gives them food he gives him a drink he stands over them like a waiter at a certain point these three people who are actually melaton Angels said to Aram where is Surah your wife now if you think about that it doesn't sound very polite the other man gives you ever and you ask about his wife Rashi says the highest level of angels they knew exactly where sorry I mean it was why did they ask that question because Alvin was going to answer they asked where is sorrow so that Allah would enter he need oil she's in the tent she's modest she's a snua she's not out there in the Limelight they asked that question so he would answer to make her more beloved in his eyes now my friends I'd like to ask you the following question what is the biggest obstacle to a successful marriage anyone anyone biggest obstacle to success in marriage okay so I'll share with you the first primary number one is when the world begins and ends in my dominance when I'm the center of the universe I'm a difficult person to be married to we're dealing with two of the most other centered human beings you could ever imagine avra mavina the Paradigm of sorry emmanu is equal to Total dedicated the love in the marriage is hard to imagine the morale says in the course of history there never was a connection never a bond between husband and wife as there was between Adam and sorrow so here's the question why did the muffin feel they had to ask a question that maybe not so it's near it's not even so nice overstepped their bounds to make her more beloved in his eyes they had the near perfect marriage never that type of connection why did the molokan feel they had to ask this question to make her more beloved now this question doesn't trouble you yet let's follow the storyline a little bit and shortly thereafter one of the law of them says to Abram next year this time your wife is going to have a child so remain was on the other side of the ol she overhears the conversation side saying how could this Becky my husband is too old Hashem says to avram why did Sora laugh saying that she's too old now rash is bothered by The prominent that's not what Sarah said sorrow said how could this be when my husband's too old yet Hashem changed it and Hashem said how could this be when she's too old Rashi says change Allah is you're allowed to lie for peace Hashem didn't want to avoidal hearing that Soros said that he's too old so rather than saying that Hashem change it Sarah said that she's too old my regular asks a very important question on this Rashi when do we see through life Sean bias is it gonna be a fight there's gonna be a squabble it's gonna be a real my focus let's imagine for a minute that Abram heard that Sora said he's too old you think he would have gone to Pieces amen sorry called me an old man first of all he had another 75 years to go second of all every year of his life was a major accomplishment he didn't grow up in a juvenile center world he was hugely proud of every year of his life had he heard the words that Sarah said he's told he went on to pieces and wouldn't have broken down why then did Hashem have to change why was China why does she have to excuse my expression a lot so to understand this let's try to understand this institution called marriage and this question I'm going to open to the floor here ladies and gentlemen what is the largest cause of divorce today biggest scores I'm sorry money what else marriage marriage is definitely the largest cause 100 no questions other than marriage oh second to marriage what is the biggest cause of divorce today anyone communication misunderstanding how about money religion ridicule children I'd like to share with you those are all issues in a marriage but none of those are the major cause of divorce there's only one major cause of divorce today and that's fighting fighting yeah we're having to fight about the kids in religion and the money and the communication right wrong it's never about the issues it's always about the relationship if two couples are in love they're friends my way your way will find a way but if the relationship starts to wane then a very short time things are very very difficult Australian interesting statistics 70 of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference and you reconcile the difference means the difference it can't be reconciled for instance he has a successful business in Manhattan she has severe allergies and needs to live in San Diego Chicago doesn't cut it for either of them right imagine he wants to bring the kids up in a facility she wants to bring them up in a regular fish away you can't send the kids to Yeshiva with long curly pears on one side if you reconcile what difference means the difference that can't be reckoned there is no reconciliation 70 of successful marriages have at least one if not two or three it reconciled the differences yet they're successful marriages why because if the relationship is solid as their friends if they're lovers there's a way we find a way but if the relationship starts to wane then they're in deep trouble John gottman is a researcher a married researcher and he has an amazing ability with 94 accuracy he can tell whether a couple will be divorced within five years and he explains the system he brings a couple into his lab and he asks him to discuss three topics one is a mutually pleasing topic and one is a neutral topic and the other is what he calls a flash point something that they typically typically argue about and he measures everything you put some in chairs he puts monitors he measures their heart rate and the respiration he videotapes it and he's looking for one thing contempt he explains if he sees one sign of contempt without five positive signs that couples in trouble you see contempt it's not hatred it's not anger it's that sort of rolling of the eyes and like oh There She Goes Again if he sees one sign of contempt without five positive signs opposited that couple is in deep trouble why because the failure or success of a marriage is based on the love in the marriage you see Hollywood got it 100 right but backwards in the world of Hollywood we fall in love we get married we fall out of love we get unmarried Love Comes Love Goes it's a mystery from a Torah perspective we don't get married because of love I marry this person because I believe this is the one that Hashem determined is the perfect match for me that's the determinant of marriage but once you get married if you're not constantly invigorating that Bond of love if you're not constantly connecting and you're not getting closer and closer and if you're not working on that connection you're going to be distant you're going to be very far apart and I believe that's exactly the answer to this Rashi Agra Minnesota had the near perfect marriage says the morale in the course of history there was never such a bond the malach and the angels felt you gave us food you give us beverage we want to give you something we want to increase the love in the marriage because love is the glue to a marriage you know why I shouldn't change because at abramovino heard that Sarah said he's too old he would not have been gone to Pieces it would have made a tiny little scratch maybe not even perceptible but Hashem says the love in the marriage the respect in the marriage is so critical that it's worth for me to align and my friends are two principles here number one the glue to the marriage is love and it always increases or decreases and number two Shalom bias is okay are we ready here we go I get the phone call and the phone call sounds something like this all right Michelle thank you thank you Paul I have to talk to you what's up yeah it's my husband what's the problem well he's a good guy he learns he's dominant he's responsible he works well he spends time with the kids I said so far it sounds pretty good what's the problem the problem is the problem is I don't love him I don't love him how long you're married 10 years and your kids five kids okay so ladies and gentlemen what do you do when you get the phone call a woman's married 10 years five kids and she says the words I don't love my husband so what do you do so I'll tell you what I do it's what I always do I said to a man let me ask you a question last month how many times did you and your husband go out but go out doesn't mean to your in-laws are you to Mother Lord how many times did you and your husband go out as a couple to bond to connect the answer is we didn't okay the month before that how many times did you go out the answer is we did it the month before that we did it month before month before by about eight or nine I stopped and I say don't you understand if you're not going to reconnect if you're not going to bond if you're not going to spend time together you're like two ships in the night and in a very short time you're going to be vastly vastly distant and my friends this is the number one the very first of the ten really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make not working on the love in the marriage not going out not connecting a couple who are married are supposed to be a couple in love you're supposed to having an ongoing love affair with your spouse but ladies and gentlemen that requires as Urban group says intentionality that means it's a going out it's a love note it's a gift all the things that a couple in love I suppose when you were dating you knew exactly what to do during the courtship stage you knew how to pay attention very very carefully to each other's needs the courtship must continue after year one after year 10 after 20 is supposed to remain in love but the only way that works is if you continue to work on the bond and now here comes my rocket scientist statement are you ready ladies and gentlemen here we go I know I get the pushbacks I'm going to say it here we go you should be going out once a week as a couple once a week as a couple let me say it again you as a couple should be going out once a week to get a babysitter when the kids at home and you go out not once a month not once a year not once a yoga once a week no I mean really not every 50 years okay now I I know it's radical I know it's radical and I get to push back wherever you crazy you know how expensive it is and who has time my husband just started in the business who could possibly go out every week okay so it happens to be a very good pushback but I have an answer to the pushback it is very expensive to go out once a week do you know how much it costs for a lawyer and divorce court an alimony it is very time consuming to go out once a week would you like to try to manage two households when you're separate and see how efficient it is to move the kids Tuesday night to this house Wednesday night to this house try that one the best investment you're going to make in your marriage the best investment you're going to make in your family's success is spending time together as a couple minimally you go out once a week but that's not enough all the things that a couple in love is supposed to be doing the gifts the love notes the texts during the day and looking out for each other's needs all the things that a couple of months supposed to be doing and my friends this is the again the first and maybe the biggest of the 10 really dumbest I can't tell you how many times I see good couples who are so alignedly they want the same thing is that a life they love their kids and they're so dedicated to everything and yet they're fast in different worlds and there's nothing wrong it sounds like he's a gambler and she's a Shopaholic they're not even talking to each other for one reason because they stop working on the bond stop from connection and this is the first of the 10 really dumb mistakes you have to work on the love of the marriage you have to reconnect you go out and you do everything that a couple of loves should be doing and by the way while I'm on the radical approach over here vacations anyone hear that stuff like you've heard of it vacation you've heard it okay how often should a couple be going on a mini vacation quarterly quarterly quarterly not every four years no quarterly means every quarter every four times that you go for two nights it doesn't have to be Ritz Carlton doesn't have to be Bermuda you take oh tell someone you go together you find someone to watch your kids and you open someone wants your kids how can I do that to my kids Rocky's not gonna do a homework nobody's not gonna do the school it's gonna be terrible ladies and gentlemen if you and this is not gentlemen gentlemen never say that to me ladies listen to me very carefully care about your children the single best investment you can make in bringing up wholesome children is having a good marriage you see if your marriage is solid then everything's okay if your kids don't do all the homework and they don't get A's on every course everything will be fine but if mommy and daddy start to quibble if mommy and daddy start to fight and we're still if they become very very distant then gravity itself becomes questionable you see especially when your kids are little you guys are 10 feet tall they look to you as the ultimate mommy and daddy that's that's everything and if Mommy and Daddy are fighting if mommy and daddy don't speak respectfully if mommy and daddy speak in a very real ugly way what you're doing is you're destroying your children the best investment you can make in the success of your children is spending time together as a couple and that means to say you leave your kids with a babysitter maybe a month-law maybe your mother somebody and you spend time together you go out once a week accordingly you go out for a couple of days and you work on the mountain connection okay so that's the first of the 10 really dumb mistakes but let's move on because there are other links okay here we go I want to share with you two scenes and I'm going to ask you what the difference between the two scenes are ready okay scene number one a young man is working here next to him is a young woman as young man walks he trips and she says Jose are you okay are you all right that's scene one okay scene two same couple walking as he's walking he trips she says call us what's wrong with you can't even walk down the street what's the difference between scene 1 and scene two number of years C1 is engaged scene two has been married three years early and this is the second of the ten really dumb mistakes that very small couples made you have to be a couple in love but you also have to work on the respect because you see I could love you but if I don't treat you with respect it's going to be very very difficult for you to love me back and John got me an interesting enough has another study correlated to this exact point you ready for this he brings a couple into his land and what he's looking for is how they relate to each other but at the same time he's looking for another thing he asks the man to leave and he asks a stranger to step in to speak to the wife then he brings the man back in asks the woman to leave and brings a strange woman in and asks the husband to speak to the wife here's what he's looking for how do we speak to our spouse versus how we speak to strangers and here's what he found whether a couple of newly married or married for decades invariably we are far more polite to strangers than we are to our spouse even worse we're far more accepting of a different opinion from a stranger than we are from our spouse and if we argue we argue far less than a total stranger than we do with us fast and ladies and gentlemen I have to tell you I've been there in homes when I've heard husbands and wife say things that make my hair stand on end consumer that's ridiculous how can you say something so dumb wait do you guys like each other they don't love each other and I'll share with you a very interesting observation I am a big proponent of breaking this device but there is one app on this device that has some good use it's called the tape recorder put the tape recorder on one day during self when you and your spouse are alone and record the conversation and I want you to listen very carefully and tell me if you're as polite to your spouse as you are to someone else maybe your friend maybe someone you don't like and I'm willing to challenge you I'll bet you that you're not as polite but you see my friends this is a tremendous concept you have to work on the love and the marriage but at the same time you have to work on their step respect means of pleasing to thank yous respect means you don't argue you don't interrupt you have to work on it you'll be conscious if they're aware of it because as much as you have to work on the love in a marriage you have to work on their skin okay let's move on there we go Elizabeth Newton earned a PhD from Stanford University for an ingenious experiment she's broke people into two groups one group she called the tappers any other books you called the listeners the Tampa's job it was to tap out a song she gave him a list of about 100 popular songs Happy Birthday Star Spangled Banner and the tablet was supposed to tap out the beat of the song and the listener was supposed to guess the song almost none of the listeners ever guessed it right in fact 2.5 of all the listeners hundreds of listeners only 2.5 percent ever got it right but this was the interesting part she asked the Tapper to guess the odds that the listener is going to guess the song and tamper after Tapper said at least 50 percent hundreds of people say at least 50 even more than that you can see the video tapes when the Tapper is tapping out the song and the listener doesn't get it the capitals and credulous how can you not get it it's so obvious ly but you know why because you see when you tap out of a song you can't help but play it in your mind and when you play it in your mind it's so obvious how could you not get it and my friends this is the third of the ten really dumb mistakes that very small couples make assuming that that which is in my mind is in your mind assuming that the way I feel about things is the way you feel about things assuming that the way I experience things is reality and obviously you experience it the same way as Urban ruttenberg said learning to climb into another person's world and my friends this is the biggest obstacle in learning to live together there are three pillars to success in marriage the first pillar is commitment commitment comes from knowing that Hashem chose the perfect match for me the second pillar of the successful marriage is love love requires the work the intentionality the going out together but the third pillar of the successful marriage is learning to live together and many couples love each other are very committed to marriage but they can seem to live together and the reason why they can't seem to live together is because they live in their own cocoon in their own world and they're not able to climb into the world of another human being let me show you two examples one's a very small example the other one's a lot larger my wife and I borrow Christian will marry you 35 years and I love my wife she's not here to argue but we have a very beautiful marriage today I'm Amazed by some things that happen Sean this morning typically I get up very early I learn the house is quiet and a little bit later in the morning I bring my wife a coffee in bed we've been doing this for years and years to this day as I'm preparing the coffee I'm about to reach into the creamer and I stop because I want to give my wife a good cup of coffee and everyone knows that you gotta add cream or at least Forks of milk because you know it's always good problem is my wife likes took coffee with skim milk and it kills me because skimmer doesn't even turn the coffee color it tastes terrible and I have to stop myself because my wife doesn't like her coffee the way I like it you know what I'm saying to you I want to give my wife a good cup of coffee that way the way it's good the way I like it but my wife doesn't like her coffee that way and if that sounds very trivial it's a huge huge deal understanding that my experience is the way I experience things but it doesn't Define reality and my spouse may have a vastly different experience and her reality may be very different now let me share with you a much bigger example of this concept a young man is coming home from work one day he's married about six months and as he's put the key into the department door he says himself ah or if Hashem I married such a grounded girl not when he's flighty Dames he puts a key in the door turns the door walks into the apartment and there's his wife up on a chair what is he doing a cockroach what a cockroach there's something he goes over um you can come down now okay listen he doesn't say anything at the time two weeks later he's at work he shuts his cell phone off during the day because he's very focused a friend of his comes by and says love it you know your wife's on the phone some trouble what's up please come home what's the matter please come on why why there are two of them come on please what there are two of them please come on I don't believe it she wants me to leave work stop what I'm doing to kill two stupid bugs he gets in a car steam coming out of here and driving them about to put his key in there the door turn the door there she is up on the chair where are they over there I hope you're satisfied turns around heads right back to work ladies and gentlemen who right who is right after it was she right she's terrified listen uh pugs you know she calls her husband home to save her was she right or was he right after all come on it's too stupid bugs when we leave work who was right okay who was right is a wrong question who was right is a good question to ask in a court of law maybe a divorce court but who is right is the worst question to ask in a marriage a far more useful question is what was going on in each other's minds now I have Barack Hashem four daughters and two sons in my house I don't know why it is but all the girls are afraid of bugs and the boys aren't when the girls were little they would call the baby brother in any time there's a bug they just let them show he can eat the bug okay I don't know why it is the girl's afraid about it the boys are okay and here's the point the reason why she called the husband home is because she was terrified if he wanted to understand what she was experiencing we'd have to paint the picture a little bit differently imagine for a minute it was is he home alone and imagine it wasn't two cockroaches but imagine it was two um German Shepherds uh would he be up on the chair he'd be out the fire escape down the block the German Shepherds are scary conquered his arm you see his experience is that bugs aren't scary but his experience doesn't Define reality and unless you're able to understand that the way you experience things may not be the way your spouse experiences things it's going to be very difficult to be happily married and Now ladies and gentlemen we come to the two most important words in a marriage what are they I'm sorry I'm sorry those are important words yep you're right those are also very important thank you thank you very important what are the two most important words in your marriage okay so now one second how about anyone for I was wrong and by the way those are hardest words to say she knows I'm wrong I know I'm wrong I know that she's not right you were right I I was trying but try signals I was wrong okay but those are not the two most important words the two most important words in your marriage are someone said they're right here that's strange that's strange you see when your husband does something that's cruel and callous or you're supposed to say to yourself is that's strange he's a nice guy he's a kind guy why would he act like such a creep that's strange that's strange she's normally so grounded why is she acting like this some emergency some other catastrophe you don't want that strange you see when you train yourself to say the words that's strange you open yourself up to the scientific curiosity of trying to understand the inner world of your spouse but ladies and gentlemen listen very carefully when you say the words that's strange you say them to yourself please say them to yourself not to your spouse you say to yourself that strange why is he behaving that way that's strange why is she acting that way and when you see those words you begin to do that very difficult thing of climbing into the inner world of your spouse and that is the key to learning to live together and this is the third of the 10 yearly dumb mistakes but something that my experience defines reality but let's move on we got another one to do okay this one is for the ladies ladies we've defined the essence of a successful marriage is the love love is the blue what is the key to a successful relationship what is the single biggest ingredient in successful relationship Ladies sorry respect communication individual communication ladies no no if you agree go like this this will go like yeah the single most important ingredient successful relationship is communication right almost all the ladies agree gentlemen anybody agree Ted Houston is a psychologist University of Houston interesting enough and he studies couples in depth he studied 264 couples and he asked them many many questions one of which is this what is the single most important ingredient in a successful relationship almost all the women said communication interesting enough almost none of the men said communication more than that a study after study shows that women invariably say communication and Men Don't by the way the biggest complaint that marriage therapists hear from women is we never talk the biggest complaint that marriage therapists here for men is all we do is talk talk talk and now somebody got it back but right somebody's got it wrong anyone understand why that is anyone curious to know why that is n't it okay if you would like to know the answers to this question I have a very simple exercise next shot is at the kirish I want you to listen to The Men's silent conversation and I want you to listen on the women's side and this is what you're going to hear on the women's side of the pizza conversation sounds something like this [Music] nice talking to you okay let me go to the main side men's side of the conversation sounds like this okay never notice women make all these listening sounds you need a lexicon you need a dictionary forget what they mean why do women do that why Deborah Tannen is a sociologist and she wrote a number of books and defined me the difference between men and women and tall and she describes that men and women typically taught for different reasons with different objectives with total different rationales and women typically talk to connect to bond to bring another person into their world to bring themselves into another people world to create a bond and a connection men typically taught to share ideas and to share things gentlemen would you like to be happy again this is one of those yes or no questions gentlemen would you like to be happy yeah yeah yeah yeah okay here's the rule a happy wife is a happy life would you like to be happy you have better figure out how to make your wife happy and here is the fourth of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make not understanding that communication means something different to men than it does to women gentlemen you have to learn to talk to your wife you have to learn to listen to your wife you have to learn to make some of those ah but you have to learn to share with your wife and you have to learn to listen and you also have to learn oh here we go anyone make this mistake okay you guys gotta get this one this is I'm embarrassed I'm not so embarrassed it's been so many years I'm not embarrassed anymore I was a high school ready for many years and a big part of a high school Refuge job is to teach you guys how to learn but the bigger part is to teach you not life and I was very close to the guys and guys would ask me questions all the time life issues different situations and I thought I gave pretty good advice guys 20 years later come over here for the advice you gave me in high school I still use it thank you okay I thought I did pretty good and then whenever my wife would ask me for advice she was never happy I didn't get like it was like my IQ dropped 80 points as soon as I thought and again the guy's always happy with the advice when my wife asked me for advice and it's like a zero like what's the deal so it took me 10 years 10 years to understand why she didn't want what's unhappy with my advice she wasn't asking for my advice she was asking to share to connection wasn't asking for me to fix her she wasn't asking me to make the situation better she was asking me to say ooh ah oh no okay so gentlemen listen to me very carefully if you want to be happy you have to learn to listen to your wife you have to learn to engage with her and you have to learn not to fix it don't change it so gentlemen I'm going to throw something on you if you want to be happy of two roles two rolls roll number one it is your responsibility to romance your wife remember we said mistake number one was not working on the love not working on the connection the band gentlemen it's your responsibility the man pursues the woman it's your job to plan the date women ladies you take care of the child care and gentlemen it's your job to plan a date and if you say to me well she wants to go out let him let me know the place and I'll gladly meet you again why because if your wife knows that you cherish her if your wife knows that you love her she'll be happy the stip Lagoon writes in the gears he writes a litter at the core of woman's Essence she needs to know that her husband loves her and if she knows it isn't so it's close to people with Netflix it's close to murder why because as the core of woman's Essence she needs to be loved she needs that attention she needs that affection and if you would like to be happy let your wife know indeed word and action that you cherish her and the first role of the husband is to romance his wife the second role is you gotta learn to talk to your wife you gotta learn to listen ladies respect the fact that your husband Paulie doesn't have the ear keep your girlfriends meaning you can't laid on so thick save the main things for your husband but keep your girlfriends when you really want to get involved and stuff okay so generally you have your job romance your wife and talk to your wife so ladies it's all the man's fault right right we got that right all the men's full right so let me share with you something there are things that women do that make it difficult for their husbands to like them let alone love them and let me share with you one of those it is my firm belief in that every young woman as she walks down that Hoppa has a 10-point home improvement policy in place and it's that guy under the football who is the recipient of that 10-point Home Improvement policy first of all those shoes they gotta go with the ties the dumb jokes forget about the coming late forget about it all right now listen we'll give a credit during the Chevron breakfast if he hears itself but shortly after their marriages beginning she begins on our home improvement policy and there's my she and she says Moishy you know if you've been neater if you weren't so sloppy you'd be much more efficient and when she doesn't get all warm and fuzzy but I only said it because I love them I only said it because I care maybe he didn't get it monkey I'm saying you know if you're being neater you'd accomplish more right you know what I mean and it doesn't get it so she says it says to you my wishes how do you find yourself in a messy desk but he doesn't laugh and he doesn't well over with appreciation why is that ladies uh the reason is because the fifth of the ten really dumb mistakes is trying to change your spouse don't do it don't do it because it's annoying don't do it because it creates a wedge between couples don't do it because it never works now listen I I know this is not an easy one but I get the phone call and it sounds something like this what am I going to do with my husband he leaves his socks on the bedroom floor he leaves his socket I told him I told him I told him he won't pick it up what's what's with the guy I said to her man and explain to me how long are you married and she said a significant number about 15 years and I said to her have you ever discussed this before with your husband I told him ten thousand times to pick himself and he won't pick him up what's wrong with the guy I said the matter I want to ask you a question is he a nice guy yeah is he a considerate guy here so why doesn't he pick up the socks that's exactly what I'm asking what's wrong with the guy I want to tell you a story I'm going to tell you a story I was recently giving a shown by his seminar and a fellow comes over and he says Rabbi you gotta help me I'm a doctor I work in the emergency room and the nurse is there they're all slim young my wife put on some weight with our first child she had her second child she didn't lose the first child the birth weight she has a third child she's now 40 pounds overweight and I don't know what to do I offered her exercise class of a nutritionist of a trainer to come to the home she just won't do it around like how do I get it to lose the weight I said young man you have a choice to make you either embrace your spouse as she is or you suffer I said I want you to understand something I do not know of a woman alive who looks in the mirror and says oh 40 pounds oh wait that's what I always wanted to be so why doesn't she lose the weight you opened her training you offered nutrition why doesn't she do it the answer is because change is very difficult three kids right now might have a lot to do with it for whatever reason is too much on a plate right now and it's not going to happen you either Embrace her as she is or you suffer because she's not gonna change and I said to this woman with a socks on the floor you have to recognize do you know why your husband leaves the socks on the floor because he's like all of us with many strengths and with some weaknesses he might be a very successful guy maybe very polite very nice but this is his weakness and guess what we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses and if you'd like to be successfully married you have to learn to accept this Styles as they are okay this is the famous socks on the floor case how do I know that it's famous I'm speaking in Chicago and um I was in trouble by it so she was by the way deals with many other topics but of late I'm on that role anyway so I'm speaking to women a group over there and after the class A woman raised her hand and says okay do you remember you were here two years ago I said I do she said do you remember what you spoke about I said I don't she said well you spoke about the socks on the floor case and it changed my marriage I said what do you mean she said well in my case my husband would come home on Sunday night take him his jacket and leave it on the dining room chair Monday night wearing a different jacket leave that one on the chair Tuesday night the next year by Thursday his entire Awards and so what used to happen it's the screaming he said yell at him it was terrible I said what happened and well you told us a story about the socks on the floor now Sunday night he puts a jacket on the chair bring it upstairs Monday night if he's jacking on the chair I bring it upstairs I asked how's your showing by us now it's perfect I asked the women in that class to stand up and clap why because what she finally got was the fact that he's not doing it because he's passive aggressive he's not doing it to get back at you and believe me he's not doing because you don't love me if you really love me you would change me different you don't love me wrong you know what he doesn't do it he doesn't do it because he has many strengths many miles and he has weaknesses like all of us and ladies if you'd like to by the way anyone serious about Rose over here oh no this is this one as you say no I'm not serious this is a difficult exercise if you would like some personal growth some self growth I have a tremendous exercise here we go I want you to walk over to a mirror make sure no one else is around okay welcome to the mirror look at that person staring back at you and say these words I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with I am a my husband my wife no I I am and I know that to be true doesn't mean you're obnoxious I mean you're no we all have stuff we all have synthesis according to too late at one time two needed to sloppy we all have different personality types and the simple reality is that you are a difficult person no my spouse is my wife my husband no Rome you are and when you understand that you begin to realize your job in life your mission is life is not to change this past now gentlemen Don't Change Your Life ladies don't change your husband now I know what this means if I spend a lot of time talking to the guys and I will explain to them it never works it just destroys a relationship you just you know eventually you guys listen I have not yet succeeded in convincing one woman not to try to change a husband I think it's in the DNA I think it's innate it's inborn by the way I'll explain to what I mean I was giving a large group in Brooklyn it was a five-part merit seminar and I brought up this case the socks on the floor business and I said this again and again don't change your husband don't change because it never works don't change because all it doesn't risk the relationship don't change because it creates a wedge between husband and wife I made my point about as clearly as I can make it and I thought everyone got it now because it was a large group the question and answers afterwards came up on cards they gave cards out to people and people provide the questions in and the first group that brought up with the they brought me up from the women's group and I read the first question and the first question is what if I try to change my husband by being nice I says don't do it it's not going to work you know why it's like the word it's his nature it's his temperament it's not going to change you can ask him to do it and then you ask him to change ADHD you ask me if the person's changing it's not going to happen don't do it it doesn't work okay second question I get what if I try to do it with positive reinforcement saying no no don't do it it's not going to work it's not going to change them all it's going to do is Recreation third question I get and what if I do it with consequences oh I don't go over well she you pick up your socks you're not getting lunch tomorrow well let's see how that one works out then I made my point as clearly as I could don't change his balance because it wrecks the relationship don't change his balance because it creates a wedge don't change your spouse because it doesn't work everyone in the room I thought got it it was the problem the seminar was in Brooklyn I live in Muncie it's an hour and a half drive from Brooklyn to Muncie apparently an hour and a half can drive there's enough time for the emails to come in and I made the mistake when I got home of opening my email and the first question reads like this and I'm A Schaefer if I'm not going to change it by being nice I'm not going to change my positive reinforcement consequences how am I going to change you okay the clicker was the next email the next email read something like this Rabbi Shafer after all the time you spent on it maybe it's not that we don't understand what you're saying it's that we don't agree she's gonna change her spouse if it kills him her and the marriage which it will so ladies let me beg you please don't change your husband don't do it gentlemen don't do it for you you guys look at it you're not gonna stop ladies don't resist this whole thing okay don't do it don't do it okay so here we go anyone anyone know what I'm talking about no yeah no no okay I think it's a tremendous lessons to learn from them Allah to the reason why the melaton asks where is beloved because love is the glue of the marriage the reason why Hashem changes because it's worth allowing to change even a scratch and show him bias because the essence of a successful marriage is the love you have to work on the love and that that's the first of the ten of the mistakes going out love notes gifts everything that a couple in love have to be doing the second mistake is not working on the respect respect you need to please the thank yous not interrupting thinking how do I speak to other people how do I speak to my spouse or more than anything recognizing what they need the third of the intenders of the mistakes is not understanding that my wife my husband experiences things differently than I do being able to climb into my spouse's World their inner world is the key to living together and mistake number four is what no that's five four ladies communication understanding that communication means something different to a woman than it does to a man I mean a gentleman you gotta learn to listen you gotta learn to share I have to learn some of the oohs and the Oz and ladies you gotta understand that your husband doesn't have as much tolerance for as your friends do keep your girlfriends but connect and mistake number five is don't change your spells now I want to finish with one last story I think this story encapsulates what a successful marriage is and it's the most romantic words I've ever heard I was atonement of the children of a Liberty Hotel and in the rabbit singer she didn't have children but their marriage was incredible the respect the reverence the love they had for each other was unbelievable where she was older than the rabbits and everyone knew what was going to happen or she was ill and we expected that the Russia would pass away and the roads won't be left in omana that's not what happened and the represents took ill and very shortly there after she passed away and the receiver got up to say Hester to say eulogy at his wife's Goliath it is what he said he said everything we did we did together we built the Yeshiva together we built the tamidum together everything we did we did together I we went there to stroll together I didn't have to worry about my health I didn't have to worry about my food she's worried about me more than I worried about me everything we did we did together we must have said that expression 12 maybe 14 times and then he says these words I said a Hester that set of eulogy for my father I said a hesitate for my mother I cannot say a hesitate for my wife saying a hesitate for my wife is like saying a hesitate for myself I can't do it and he sat down and with those words you define a Jewish marriage abundant connected one unit it takes a lot of work you have to learn to avoid the 10 million dumb mistakes you have to work on the love the connection when you do it through domination Hashem helped and eventually you get there I want to thank Emmett for arranging this and I want to please invite you all to take the copy but before we do we're going to take some questions thoughts okay let's take some questions questions thoughts observation questions how do I change my husband yes about how we're going to live with them yes so the first thing you do is you're looking at murder and what do you say I once had a woman only because you're asking a question I'm going to share this I once had a woman who's going on and on about a husband oh he just didn't see that his dad and she handled him in a very difficult human being and I knew him and I knew her and she was a lot more the problem than he was so at a certain point I said to her listen I hear your husband has been full flaws many folks but could it be that in some areas you could also use some improvement yes but me me I have to live with him I could change I'm not saying you but I'm saying you hear what I'm saying meaning understanding I am it's not a joke I really have stuff I'm either too neither too late to two untimely too organized two we all have stuff it is syncreases quartz person that's that's what being human beings about but me I gotta put up with me me I'm normal I'm regular it's my spouse who's the problem when you recognize that I am a difficult person to live with you're much more easily able to accept your spouse my spouse has many strengths many miles and also shortcomings and I embrace them as they are okay thoughts observations questions yes so I'm reluctant to say this because you see leaving the house is a huge thing especially if you have kids especially little kids because you know when you when you stay in the house uh this phone calls in his laundry and is this so everybody says well stay home and you know it doesn't work so I'm very lucky to say you know stay home although here we go you ready for this and admission over here and my wife and I um we play Scrabble Scrabble Scrabble if you were to ask me 20 years ago am I gonna play scrabby out of your mind not only that play Scrabble I'm competitive I'm gonna win them why do I play Scrabble my wife enjoys it so I learned to play and I'm into it now in playing Scrabble is something we do together and we do it kind of regularly and it becomes almost like a date night um so but here's the point though most of my kids are married my youngest is in Israel now so we're empty nested we could do that and no one's going to bother and it's fine shut the phones off and and you know the problem is especially when your kids are little if you're not going to go out first of all when you go out you get dressed there's changes the whole atmosphere of all attitude and second of all if you stay home there's just so much going on so I don't know what to say the answer is I I I'd be very reluctant to tell you anything but go out now you don't have to go to an expensive restaurant even going out you know especially well now it's been winter The Summer's much easier either this is a list of date night ideas or send me an email if you can't find it on the schmoodz.com and send me an email and I'll send you a list I have one woman who works and she was put together an entire list of date night ideas that don't cost a million dollars but you the key is that you want to spend time together in a way that's enjoyable it's fun but you got to do it you have to do it religiously religiously because it's a religious obligation because that's Sean bias okay thoughts observations yes sir because your complacency or uh like lack of growth stagnancy as the actual root cause as opposed to the fight okay so here's how it works when when we're friends and lovers I can forgive you you can forgive me when you find a way even if even if there's a fight we make up when the relationship starts to get stale then everything becomes an issue everything becomes a problem and there's no way to make up because like you know what I'm saying you're right it's it's stagnancy it's stale but it's much more is that you see living together with another human being and this closed captioning not available [Music] a couple of couples are going four times a year alone for three days yes now one second you're married to your husband the answer is yes I meant it yes and I'm not a travel agent but again it doesn't have to be a fancy place I'm not talking going to Aruba you take a hotel you just to spend two two nights two days together and spend time together to rejuvenate to renew to to connect now again with kids it becomes more difficult right and here it comes the what do I do with the kids drop them off around my Schaefer's house my wife will watch it yes sir Kelly instead of leaving the house what if you get rid of the distractions like the kids okay I could buy that one again I still think going out and see when you go out you leave the house you go out you get dressed it's a different experience I I still you know I still think it's it's worth the it's worth doing you know okay thoughts I see you have a question I see that question I see that question yeah questions thoughts observations anything what if yeah not straight okay here's the point it's a personality trait what's your question what if what if that strange doesn't work because the behavior repeats itself again and again and again it's normal and strange I can expect in fact I know it's going to happen it's not strange at all it's regular okay so you have to ask yourself the following questions why is he doing it and I'm going to go through the scenario is he a nice guy and says yes is he considerate yes is he kind yes so why would he do that what's the answer that's how the good Lord made him yep and guess what the good lord gave you also and with older not you but other people are difficult to live with you know what I'm saying but embracing yourself and recognizing I am a difficult person to live with will allow you to embrace your spouse and say yes he has many many strengths many positive character traits but he also has flaws flaws I gotta change him no he has flaws and I embrace him as he is I'm not going to change him he's not going to change his life but but if you love me he would change no because ladies did I make the point I'm not giving out my email address I'm not that dumb to make that mistake again I've made that once it's in the book are you here yes okay okay that's a good question um what if what if you're going on date night and you're going on vacation we just love trouble connecting okay so there are many tools that Bond if you get a chance to look in the book you'll see there there's a whole list of different tools that create the connection there's friendship depreciation and this romantic love this friend there's you'll see an entire list of things you have to use all the tools um now sometimes and many times couples need help and I have a big proponent of getting help it means you may need to speak to a role you may need to speak to marriage therapist too to teach you how to connect and how to bond a lot of times the resistance I'm going to stop at this point because you know because I don't want to go further on this point now but again there are many tools that Bond and you have to use all of them um and if you want later we can talk great questions any other questions yes what if I know things that I need to change or things that I want to change but it's something that if I change I'm not myself anymore um I'm a workaholic I love to work I come home let's say five six I can go into a room my office I can sit there till 10 o'clock at night nobody bothers me I can just sit and work keep working keep working for them I gotta help the baby this is that whatever just kissed yeah one hang on okay remember ruttenberg what do you say intentionality intentionality you have to connect to the people in your life you have to connect to your spouse you have to connect to your kids you've got to learn to do that and if you're a workaholic it's great it's a tremendous strength and you also have to learn to channel that into your relationships and if you don't your marriage is going to fall apart your kids I can't tell by the way how many kids say because described very well there are many many kids who say that parents don't even know if they exist or not and it's men it's women the smartphone is one of the most disastrous things to society I've seen women mothers mothers are loving maternal right they stand at the park this looking in the palm of their hand while the kids playing they don't even know the kids there it's very very sad my daughter Hashem she has an Instagram account she's a baby sleep coach but she shuts off her phone her kids come home she has six-year-old twins they come home the phone's off there's no nothing no phone nothing she can actually talks you have to learn how to shut the phone influence shut work you have to learn to live as a room except with intentionality you have to create bonds a connection and there's nothing short of spending time to do that so um I don't you know I don't want you to change your nature I want you to be very focused at work but you also have to have another dimension and that is your relationships your marriage your kids because it's part of being mentioned part of growing exactly yeah thank you please I think that sometimes when a person foreign people want to feel confident people who do almost anything to feel comfortable they even sit on a device and like score points on some stupid game because it makes them feel like oh I did better than I did last week and you play Wordle [Music] so so um what I was just saying is that I personally feel like anyone who's a workaholic is not fully healthy okay I don't believe it now there's all different levels but I think that a person should strive to be in harmony with himself and to learn how to feel competent in other areas the famous joke is the guy they found a joke it plays out every single day in his office he's respected his clients are like bosses are happy with them he's making a difference in people's lives sometimes in the medical field and then he comes home and it's like and a lot of times he doesn't feel so confident and then it becomes a cycle because he doesn't feel confident he's not so engaged when he's not engaged he's not getting a lot of good feedback you're not getting that feedback loop you know because there's a habit Loop that that gets people to feel confidently good about things and then they want to do more of those things so because he's not getting that feedback he's you know more and more subconsciously doing things where he feels more comfortable right here right here thank you okay one last question yes is there oh yeah like where's the space for like inspiring each other or like you know like he knows there's certain things like there are definitely like I feel like there's gonna be about passive aggressive but there are certain like actions you'll be like oh like you know this would help you there you're like I'm not trying to change you but like obviously okay so here I have a mission for you I want you to focus on growth I want you to focus on change I want to focus on becoming great but folks that are new not like that like I was I was told like oh like like in a relationship like he's just like dabbing that didn't like whatever but yeah Dominique's good talk to God unless you see if your husband's gone that's okay that's good and it's okay and doesn't it sound like internalizing become kind of like a language and stuff you know like because no not worth it not worth it say Hashem please help leave it with that mission knows what the issues are all right ladies and gentlemen thank you please take a copy of the book [Applause] [Music]