Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan - The Ten Commandments of Marriage

[Music] good evening welcome again we are learning about marriage today and first of all khodeshtov and today the topic is the famous ten commandments but this time it's not the ten commandments from god but rather ten commandments from rabbi avigdor miller and he compiled a set of rules basic rules that encompass in it all the advice in marriage you may hear a lot of lectures you can go to counseling and and therapy but all of those lectures and counseling and therapy will most likely fall into one of these ten categories so just like the ten commandments that hashem gave us on har sinai they are like a summary of the entire torah with each commandment being a general statement encompassing many commandments hinting too many commandments so too these ten commandments of marriage encompass in them the the entire set of advice for the married couple and this class is both for those that are already married and for those that are thinking about marriage because for those that are experienced already they will know what i'm talking about and those that are not married yet at least they will have the information to start their marriage uh better than they would otherwise so um the the talmud in massachusetts says that which means if a man and his wife have peace between them then god's divine presence will dwell between them and the more love and peace there is between a husband and wife the more divine presence there is in the house and specifically between them that's like the glue that connects them so if you want divine presence in your house it's not enough of course it is important but it's not enough to put on tethylene to keep shabbat to give zidaka all these things are very important but despite all these things the divine presence will not enter your house until there is peace and love between the couple between the the husband and wife so since one of the great reasons we are alive is to connect to god to bring the divine presence into this physical world it's so important to have peace at home and whenever where wherever there is divine presence wherever there is godliness there is blessing there is prosperity and there is health so if you ask me the greatest thing you can invest in for your own success is your marriage if you have successful marriage then you have successful life that's um generally the case and the opposite is true a person may be successful in business in his studies and even in his commandments between him and god but when he goes to heaven at the end of his life and they look at his life as a whole he will fail and as uh one of my students asked he said rabbi is it true that that the way people like you that's how god likes you if people think you're a good person and they like you then god thinks you're a good person and he likes you i said yes that's true and he asked but rabbi most people like me just my wife is the only one that doesn't like me does god go after majority and i said unfortunately this is one of the few cases when we don't go after the majority because it also has weight every person has weight the closer the person is to you the the weightier it is and the the one that weighs the most is your is your spouse that means that when when you come before god god will say oh um let me judge you but before i judge you let me call your husband or let me call your wife and let them tell me what kind of person you are and uh just like in class your participation your attendance might be 60 of the grade so too in life 60 if not more of your your evaluation by hashem is what your spouse says about you and we already know why because through peace it in home hashem can come into this world divine presence can rest in the physical realm and if you fight with your spouse then you are pushing god out of the world so when you come to hashem hashem will say why did you push me away from the world and you say what do you mean i prayed i kept shabbat and put on te feli i loved you and i would i was afraid of you say yeah but all these things don't matter if you don't love your spouse so uh it's very important to invest in your marriage and now with these 10 commandments of marriage we will have an overview and don't think that just by listening to this class you will magically change yourself and improve your character this lecture is just to open your eyes to give you some information and you should write down this information and work on each one of these ten commandments and if you need help you're welcome to contact me or any other rabbi afterwards but this is a lifelong journey you have to take each one of these 10 and say let me learn about it let me spend time on it let me practice it otherwise just listening to a lecture will uh be beneficial for that hour but once that hour passes by the zoom turns off the screen becomes dark all your memories are going to vanish so if you take it seriously take notes and not only review them but go deeper learn more and practice more so let's continue uh principle number one the commandment number one for both if you want to get married and for those that are already married and that is be realistic you have to be realistic if you want to have a good marriage in fact i would say just say somebody who says you know what i will rely on hashem that he will send as my spouse the one that's best for me and whoever i happen to get married must be it's a sign from hashem that they are the best person for me such a person the talmud says will have um a a spouse that's that's so pleasant it's like ghanaian on the other hand somebody who says no hashem i don't trust you let me choose the best one and i will look for prince charming or for whatever the uh comparable expression for a lady is the the princess charming then such a person will get married but they will be miserable their spouse is going to be bitter like death why because they're looking for perfection because they're looking for perfection they say hashem what you give me is not enough i will look for my own spouse and they go out and they look and they search and they might become infatuated or information might be hidden from them and they think they got married to a prince or princess charming and after marriage they will be bitterly disappointed because they will realize that their spouse is not perfect so you have to be realistic before you got married and if you're already married at least you have to accept your spouse as a human being as much as we hope to be married to an angel but that's not realistic you have to understand that you are going to or you are married to a human being flesh and blood who has to eat and sometimes he burps or she burps and they need to go to the bathroom and sometimes they are smelly and noisy and unpleasant in other ways we are not angels we are people and therefore you have to be realistic as you get married and you have to be realistic after you got married and that means don't expect your spouse to be perfect similarly don't expect your marriage to be endless happiness bliss pleasure just like in life you have to go to work you have to prepare take a shower you have to travel commute and only minority of time we have pleasure in life if you think about it what percentage of our time during the day we actually eat delicious food and we actually enjoy the drinks or physical relations you will find that it might be five percent or ten percent of your life the rest of the time you maintain your life which means you have to sleep you have to take a shower you have to work you have to commute to and from work you have to use the bathroom you have to study all these are investments into life and only minority of time is actual pleasure so as you get married or if you're already married don't expect that you will have continuous pleasure all the time you will have pleasure and happiness but that will be five or ten percent of your day uh of your of your waking hours the rest of the time is investment into marriage you have to work hard on your life and you have to work hard on your marriage similarly just like in life you don't always succeed you're not always on top some days you are more successful some days you're less successful some days it's sunny some days it's cloudy so do you have to expect that in marriage some days you will be filled with love and appreciation for your spouse and you'll feel you're lucky some days you might have disagreements some days you might have disappointment in your spouse and that you have to remember is normal and the um if you remember it it will be easier to be patient as one of my rabbi said if you uh if you um have a cloudy day gloomy cloudy dark it seems to you that the whole universe is dark but in reality if you look at the entire earth and the entire solar system what part of earth is actually dark it's the very thin area between earth and the clouds it's uh it's maybe less than one percent of the entire earth and then when you go beyond clouds it's sunlight sunshine for 150 million miles so now you compare just a few miles until the clouds to 150 million miles of sunshine so putting it in perspective any cloudy day you will see that really it's still 150 million miles of sunshine so too if you have a gloomy marriage day your spouse did not do what you wanted they were not reliable they overslept they do something they did something bad so realize that it's only temporary it's only a minority overall your spouse is good not perfect but overall they are good overall your life is good overall your days are good and what whatever down down uh spiral we have that's only temporary everything in life goes up and down but only for short time it's down majority of our life we are not in pain majority of our life we are happy unless we uh we force ourselves to be depressed but majority of our our life is good so you have to be realistic that in life in married life you will have disappointments you will have disagreements your spouse your wife or husband will at times be imperfect and all that is part of marriage i accept all of that as a package deal when hashem sent you down into this earth he asked you do you want this package and you said yes i surely want i see it's almost perfect i see that i will have so much potential so much enjoyment so much accomplishment yes hashem please give me that package and hashem gave you that package and together with that package comes the wrapping comes the peel come some seeds and you have to take it take it together with with the apple with the delicious fruit comes comes some some things you have to you have to ignore okay that is commandment number one be realistic and it will solve many of your problems from the beginning now we go to commandment number two and that is no matter what happens do not disrupt the routine of marriage which means the husband and wife have to continue doing what they have to be doing which means whatever happens they get into a fight disagreement they might say i didn't sign up for this they might say if he is not doing his part i'm not going to do my part but commandment number two says no matter what do not disrupt the marriage routine what is marriage routine that means the husband always has to come home the wife always has to come home whether it's after work or after an outing they have to come home no matter what they got into a fight they still have to come home the husband still has to eat the supper by the table every day that is the routine of marriage he comes home even though he is upset he sits down by the table and eats the supper that his wife made even though he's upset he can be quiet he can just uh not say anything that's fine but he has to eat and his wife even though she's upset at him i'm not gonna cook it for him anymore she still has to cook the routine of marriage must go on why because if there is any interruption in the routine the other spouse will have an excuse to continue the fight all they are starting up with me they she didn't do this i'm not gonna do this he didn't do this i'm not gonna do this so you have to do what's up to you even though they are not doing their part so you have to continue doing your part because this way they will realize what's going on even though i'm upset and i'm not doing my part my spouse is still doing her or his part i'm impressed how strong they are you know what i'm building being childish i hope they didn't notice that i wasn't doing my part i'm quickly gonna go and start doing my part so by continuing to do the routine your responsibilities you will give a an easier way for your spouse to come back another example the wife must always go to the mikveh on time she is not allowed under no circumstances to say i'm going to punish my husband i'm going to show him let's see how he how he's gonna sing if i don't go to the mikra she must go to the mikko no matter what of course if there is abuse then she has to contact a rabbi or counselor or authorities she has that right but just because she's upset she still has to continue her routine and she must go to the mikko similarly not allowed to lock someone out as rabbi damila says one time the wife got upset and she changed the locks on the house just because she was upset and the husband came home he couldn't come in and he got very angry and very soon after they got divorced what would be if she didn't change the locks he would come in she would ignore him he would ignore her they would come down they would ask forgiveness they would ask a rabbi to interfere they would make up and they would live peacefully ever after but because she took an action and interfered in the routine they got divorced similarly none of them should go to their parents just because you're upset you go to your parents no as it says [Music] a man and it refers equally to a woman the spouse must leave his or her father and mother and cling attach themselves to their spouse once you are married forget about your parents their house is no longer your house their food is no longer your food as one husband told me oh every day after work i visit my parents and i eat there and then i come home and my wife serves me i tell her i ate already that is not proper the husband must come home with appetite to eat his wife's food so if one of them gets upset they're not allowed to go to their parents they have to come home and and continue their routine similarly none of them is allowed to tell the other go to your mother go to your parents house don't like it go to your parents you have to continue your routine i sleep in my bed my spouse sleeps in their bed we eat by the same table she cooks i come home with the money i continue giving her money i continue supporting the children i continue driving children to school the routine of marriage must continue now the third commandment of the ten commandments of marriage is to make peace as soon as possible even if you got into a fight yes you got into a fight it happens that's part of marriage doesn't mean you made a wrong decision doesn't mean that he or she is not for you doesn't mean that you are destined to marry someone else none of this is true rather it's part of marriage you get into fights but as one of my teachers used to say if you make a mistake that's one mistake but if you don't fix your mistake that's a second mistake so if you got into a fight that's a mistake but it's a forgivable mistake everybody gets into fights but don't make a second mistake and don't prolong your fight even if you are right make peace even if you're right apologize even if it's hard forgive as uh as the saying goes would you rather be right or married and believe me it's better to be married than to be right but alone and furthermore the sages say that uh the beginning of a quarrel beginning of a fight is like a small crack in a dam in a wall strong wall that keeps a whole body of water the whole lake in place if there is a small crack in that wall and you don't fix it the water starts seeping through and it erodes the wall eventually the the crack gets wider and wider more and more water rushes in and more and more sand and stones are being washed away and eventually the whole wall collapses so too if a crack of a fight happens yes the fight happens but that's just the beginning that's a crack the water starts dripping don't let it continue if you allow the crack to continue it will only deepen it will only grow stronger and stronger you'll get into a habit of hating your spouse you'll get into a habit of being upset when you're at home whenever there is a fight right away try to fix it right away try to make peace that is um number three if you don't know how to make peace as soon as possible seek help don't say oh let me let me wait and and see how we work it out if you don't know how of course you have to pray but also you have to seek help ask advice of your of your rabbi or your counselor of your therapist even friends if necessary ask advice how can i make peace how can i ask for forgiveness and how can i forgive commandment number four never say the word get or divorce don't even think of saying if you don't like it divorce me if you don't like it let's separate not allowed to say it and not even allowed to think it once you put the ring on your colors head once you accept the ring from your khatan that's it you're in it forever unless there is abuse unless your rabbi tells you you must divorce you don't mention it it's a it's an asura as they say forbidden even to think about it it's similar to suicide just like suicide is like murder so too saying the word divorce thinking about divorce is going against god god led you towards marriage and he helped you to get married by mentioning and thinking about divorce you say god i i don't like what you designed for me god i think i can do better myself let me try second time no such thing the word get or divorce is forbidden to be uttered and even forbidden to be thought of because once you think about it it becomes a possibility once you say it it becomes a greater possibility both for you and for your spouse if you never say it then each one will work their hardest because they know divorce is not an option i have to figure it out but if you talk about it then you don't have to work hard because you always have a way out and if unfortunately you mentioned the word divorce in the past stop as soon as possible and take upon yourself and and agree together with your spouse never to mention the word divorce again that's commandment number four let's continue to command number five and that is that's my favorite uh you have to be loyal commandment number five in marriage is to be loyal now what is mean loyal that not what you're thinking loyal doesn't mean what the non-jews are are mean by loyal that of course that's not even a question of course cannot even think about being unloyal to your spouse and having an affair with someone else that then then you're not even a human being if you're thinking about it that's all like a lovely animal of course you have to be committed to only one spouse but what do we mean by loyal the fifth commandment of marriage is be loyal and that means that you have to be committed to your spouse's defense to your spouse's protection i am a loyal follower of my spouse i will protect my wife no matter what and against everybody i will protect my husband against any attack whether it is my parents whether it is my relatives my siblings my coworkers my friends anyone who will say anything bad about my spouse i will bite at their throat i will protect the image through the reputation of my spouse at all costs that is what we mean by being loyal to your spouse the husband and wife are considered one just like you will protect your reputation just like you will defend your honor you have to defend your spouse's reputation and your spouse's honor and that therefore you have to praise your spouse on all occasions not to cause not to cause jealousy but in appropriate places for example in front of your children always say you know mommy is the best you know abba is the best you know mommy is such a good cook you know your father is so strong girls when you grow up you should be like your mother boys when you grow up you should be like your father or to your parents whenever you your mother or your father asks you no how's uh avraham how's leia you say oh the best thank god i got the best spouse they're the best cook they are the the smartest they're the strongest the best so you have to praise your spouse and you have to protect your spouse that's commandment number five now let's go to commandment number six never speak negatively about your spouse for example never say i hate you we know that uh most of the time people who are close they they love each other but we know that people who are close get into arguments and into fights and uh often they say words like i hate you or they curse each other bad words we know parents unfortunately say to children children say to parents spouses say to each other siblings say to each other those that are close to each other because of their love for each other care for each other they want to improve each other which is not recommended and they point out the negative in each other which is not recommended and because of that they get into fights because of those negative words they think they hate each other you always say negative things about me you always put me down i hate you you're unreliable and they forget about the the good parts with your friends with distant acquaintances they open the door for you you say thank you you smile why because that's the only thing you see from them one little little tiny good thing they did for you you're already saying thank you your spouse is doing a million good things for you but okay sometimes they they they're not nice to you and you already say i hate you where's the 100 good things you're only focusing on the bad thing so it's a normal thing that people who are close to each other they will say hurtful things to each other but they have to remember that they don't mean it but that's if you hear a nasty word you have to keep in mind they don't mean it they really love me but you yourself take upon yourself never to say anything negative to your spouse of course never say i hate you never say you're ugly never say you're unreliable as uh i'm not even going to mention bad cases not to learn from them but whenever you you speaking to your spouse be positive this is called positive reinforcement if you want your spouse to improve find good in them and speak about it and then you'll see that that good will increase speak about your uh vision of how good your spouse can be speak about what you thought about your spouse before you got married i always knew i could trust you i always knew you already reliable the reason why i got married to you because you were beautiful and you still are i knew you're gonna be the best father i knew you'll be a good cook and if you notice they're doing something good say it again and again even if 10 times your wife burned the supper but one time it came out by chance it came out good so start praising her oh i knew you can cook so well it's even better than my mother i'm enjoying it so much whatever good you notice about your spouse start praising them over the roof as rabbi victor miller said even if your spouse is wrinkled and toothless still say that they are beautiful and strong and handsome okay and he further says every time you say to your spouse i love you you're beautiful you are earning about you're doing a mitzvah just like keeping shabbat just like putting on sicilian every time you say i love you that's another mitzvah another diamond that hashem saves for you in allah that's commandment number six never say i hate you or don't say any hurtful words commandment number seven the famous words love your neighbor as yourself you might say what is it doing in the commandants of marriage isn't it the commandment to love every jew and arizal says that the commandment love your neighbor as yourself applies first and foremost to your spouse that means you can love the entire jewish people but if you don't love your spouse it's all meaningless the opposite start with your spouse and if you're successful that's not hashem you should be successful then spread your love and care to other people but if you cannot love your spouse as yourself yet then forget about everything else work on your marriage now how do we know that the commandment of applies to marriage the source is the earlier before abraham vital the source is in the talmud the talmud says when a man wants to get married she should not get married unless he sees his wife first which means even if they send him resume and he called this shotgun and he called all the references and everything looks perfect he's not allowed to commit to marriage unless he sees her first to make sure that he can love her why the talmud says because you have to find the kind of spouse that you will be able to love if you cannot stand their appearance just because you're sensitive not nothing wrong with them just you're sensitive to that then don't get married don't be outside they can say it's okay i'll overcome it your obligation is to love them and if you know it's going to be hard to love them don't enter that nissan so the seventh commandment is love your spouse like yourself and we might think oh it's not a big deal it's okay in my heart i don't love my spouse so much because your spouse is with you day in and day out every day every time you don't have the feeling of love it grows which means if you don't love a distant jew who you see every year on yom kippur he comes to your synagogue once a year and he annoys you okay that's once a year you get aveda but if you don't love your your husband or your wife you get a sin every time you see them every time you think about them every time you speak to them you get one average on top of another average and just like a small thread if you combine it with a thousand threads you twist it into a thick rope is gonna be very strong so too with sins it might be a small sin in your eyes but if you repeat it daily and hourly throughout your life you will have so many sins that it will be worse than murder or worse than not keeping shabbat and then so everything that concerns marriage you have to do uh you have to strive for perfection for yourself learn and invest because you are with this person so many moments of your life and therefore your mitzvoth will be multiplied thousandfold or your averages will be multiplied thousandfold the eighth commandment of marriage show respect for your spouse seems so simple of course etiquette etiquette they taught us at home they talked to us in school but unfortunately yes we learned etiquette and we show it outside when someone opens the door for us to the cashier that passes us the receipt to the taxi driver to the waiter yes we're very respectful but to people who are closest to us to our spouse to our parents to our siblings and our children we don't show any respect so of course you have to say thank you to your spouse don't take anything for granted you have to say please it's better not to ask so much from your spouse you have to get up and do it yourself but if you happen to ask for favor you must say please and afterwards you must say thank you nobody owes you anything nobody is your slave over here you have to show respect to your spouse in front of your children and in front of your parents your parents not only you're not allowed to belittle your spouse in front of them but even in front of others when they don't see or hear cannot make any derogatory comment to to your children to your parents your spouse's respect honor has to be your top priority and of course when you are in front of them treat them like you would treat a stranger treat them with respect don't eat like a pig don't keep your bathroom door open try to be inconspicuous when you take care of your needs out of respect for them and similarly before you walk into your own house you have to announce yourself you have to either knock or you have to say loud hello when you open the door so that they're not shocked so that they have time to prepare so that they should not be caught off guard when they might be uh undressed or in a not in their best self and unfortunately often we find that people respect everyone on the outside and everyone thinks they're they're such a good person but at home they are a pig and home they they put everyone down they treat everyone as slave as uh so make sure that most of your respect goes to people who are closest to you okay that's number eight the commandment number nine maintain your appearance try to be [Music] on your best behavior and of your best appearance in front of your spouse which means try to not get dressed in front of your spouse try not to wash yourself in front of your spouse try maybe not even brush your teeth in front of your spouse don't open your mouth wide yawning or sneezing in front of your spouse try to maintain your appearance and your behavior in front of your spouse and it often um applies to to to women it is a you know famous rebuke that rabbis give to women that they put on makeup before going outside they should rather put on makeup before their husband comes inside they put their best outfit before they go outside now when they come home they put on rags they put on smarter so you have to be looking your best in front of your spouse the for the man the same thing don't walk around in your underwear at home cover your hairy legs uh put on your tie and suit when you greet your wife and of course put on a smile before you come home so both the husband and wife should try to be on their best behavior and in their their best appearance in front of each other you have to look good smell good and sound good which means don't talk too much don't bother your spouse with too many questions or too many stories sometimes sometimes everything may be perfect but because there's too much talking the person gets so tired that's when he blows up so um that's commandment number nine maintain your appearance and finally commandment number 10 and that is don't be a tyrant don't be a dictator especially in marriage and what are examples sometimes one spouse might control the other one often it happens that husbands control their wives in finances they might have learned from their father to be stingy controlling or maybe they even learned from the the gemara the talmud the talmud says that man is in charge of the finances in the family whatever the woman earns goes to her husband because the husband supports and he says that's it all the money is mine and he treats her like a child gives her pocket money and every time she has to beg that's called being a tyrant a dictator not allowed you you have to be partners as we said the husband and wife are one and uh miller says it's it's a good investment to waste or to allow your wife to waste some money it's okay if she wastes wastes money that's investment into your shallow bite into your uh peace at home and especially if a woman has her own job if she contributes or she does a lot of work at home you have to be free with your money with your finances don't hide it don't have a separate account don't treat her like a child give her full um ability to spend as much as she needs or someone might control their their shopping it could be a husband or a wife oh you don't know how to shop you buy things we don't need you buy the quality i don't trust you that's it from now on i'm doing shopping that's forbidden or one wife said to her husband oh i only want you to change your towel once a month that's called being um being a tyrant a dictator or another wife whether it can be a wife or a husband you're only allowed to shave once a month they take a haircut once in two months what kind of thing is this this is not the slavery the the husband has freedom the wife has freedom they are free people independent people and no no one can can be a dictator in a marriage okay so we covered the ten commandments and i'm gonna repeat them number one you have to be realistic you have to know that you married a human being not an angel number two you have to do all your responsibilities continue the marriage routine no matter what number three if you got into a fight make peace right away as soon as possible don't prolong the fight number four never say the word divorce number five be loyal in your defense in your protection of your spouse always praise your spouse always protect your spouse number six never say i hate you never say anything negatively number seven love your spouse as your love yourself remember that applies to your spouse first and foremost before it applies to anyone else number eight display respect towards your spouse always treat your spouse with respect number nine maintain your best appearance always try to look the best smell the best behave the best in front of your spouse and number 10 don't be a dictator a tyrant an abuser shallow now just some additional points to to make this even more um successful every person should have a rabbi every couple should have a family rabbi and every couple should belong to a community it's not good what they call to do schulhauper hopping means that every day or every shabbat every tefillah you go somewhere else wherever it is convenient try to belong to one community even if you have to walk it's a good investment so that the rabbi knows you so that you have who to turn to you have someone to guide you to um rebuke you and also it's important because then you have someone that you try to make good impression in front of if you always jump around nobody knows you but if you have a rabbi who knows you and your wife you will try to make a good impression and that will keep you on your toes and that's good one more very important thing that i agree the miller always says never say anything negative about yourself don't put yourself down unless this information is necessary for your spouse otherwise it will hurt them damage them then you have to be honest but otherwise if it's not if it's something they don't need to know don't let them know um not allowed to put yourself down in front of your spouse and the last thing that will end with this try to say as many kind pleasant words to your spouse as possible every day tell them in addition how beautiful how strong how successful they are also try to listen to them try to help them out be soft with them be be forgiving give them the benefit of the doubt like like a parent sometimes you have to be like a parent is to a child that they love the child comes comes home and needs the attention needs that the help the advice and and the same in marriage sometimes your a spouse sometimes your parents sometimes your counselor you have to be able to put on different robes for different jobs and sometimes you are you have to open up your kind personality towards your spouse so we learned the ten commandments plus additional three pieces of advice remember that these are only good as long as you keep them in mind if you forget them they're useless so write them down practice them learn more about them and if you need help and clarification you can contact me or your local personal rabbi thank you for listening everyone should have a happy marriage successful marriage peaceful marriage and everyone should earn a lot of mitzvoth because they love their spouse and they treat their spouse well and because of that we should all enjoy our olam haba thank you have a good night