Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 47 Three Most Important Times During the Day to Show Your L

or in their spirituality. We buy for them expensive coats, expensive snacks, healthy food. The investment we're speaking of here giving them happiness, positivity, trust, ensuring a positive start to the child's day guarantees results, big ones. Starting the day right also provides the basis for other investments and efforts toward our children's progress. Without this small investment at bedtime and when they wake up and sending them to school, those other efforts, what we pay for tuition, what we pay for food, for clothing, for rent, all those investments will not produce much unless we keep our children positive and happy. Without this positivity, those other efforts have to overcome a lot more in order to succeed. As we mentioned before, if the child is saddened depressed, having a warm coat is not going to save him from a flu or common cold and a stomach ache, God forbid. These are not logical assumptions. They are tried and tested and proven facts. Parents who have made the effort to improve the morning atmosphere in their home will report how positively it affected their children's overall studies and behavior. One depends on the other. In many cases, a child's disobedience or wildness stems from the stress he experiences as a result of his sense of rejection or alienation. He feels like his parents don't want him home. They're chasing him out. And as they do, they scream at him that he's uh a nobody, and a lowlife, and he's not listening, and he's stubborn, and he's going to be sick and die, God forbid. The same goes for many learning and attention difficulties. If the time before children leave the home in the morning is utilized correctly, it has the potential to significantly alleviate the child's sense of alienation. This, in turn, will cause a decrease in both the quality and intensity, quantity and intensity of the problems described above. Children will will will have less wildness, less disobedience, because they're happy with who they are. To make it work, the parents will have to get up early enough to manage all of the morning activities calmly and without pressure. This may be hard, may be very hard, but the results are worth it. >> [snorts] >> The morning with regard to the children includes two parts: wake up time and leaving the house. Of the two, leaving the house is the most critical, because that's the message they're going to carry with them for the rest of the day. A child leaves the house with a subconscious fear of getting lost or being abandoned. He has to face the street, strangers, friends, the bus driver, the teacher. When a child leaves the house after conflict with his parents, this apprehension accompanies him and intensifies until he returns home. My parents don't want me. I'm unsafe no where no matter where I go. Is it surprising that he will have a hard time [snorts] focusing in class and controlling his behavior? And because it's a snowball effect, he's going to leave the home upset. He's going to come to school. He's going to get into fights, arguments with his classmates. He's not going to be able to pay attention in class. He's not going to succeed. He's going to be upset. The The parents, I mean the the teacher will rebuke him and screaming him, give him bad grade. He'll have miserable time on the bus back home. And he'll come home all stressed and upset. And parents will come to him with more demands. How was your school? Why didn't you bring good grades? When are you going to do your homework? When are you going to clean up your room? And he's ready to disappear from this earth. He doesn't want to be here. And where he goes, he's not wanted. So far we we spoke about the two most important times during the the day when parents have to show their children love, attention to impress upon them that they are wanted and they are valuable. The third time is the time when children come home. Prepare in advance for the moment the child walks through the door. Remember the time when the chil- the children come home, each one, and be ready for them. Eat your own lunch before, use the restroom before, take a nap before. Be ready so that when the child comes in, you are happy, you greet him with a smile, you are ready to give him attention, to ask him how he is, to take care of him if he needs, to feed him, and to calm him down. Or to be there for to absorb his excitement. It is very important for the child to be greeted happily and lovingly. The child's homecoming experience very much affects his general feel about his home. That is precisely why children will often come home irritable and cranky. The thought of coming home invokes the hidden fear of abandonment, even though they're coming home. But they know the parent will not pay attention, the parent will not understand them, the parent will not listen to them. And therefore, when the child comes home, he comes with an I un- I undefined apprehension. Not pleasant to come to a home where you are not welcome. This apprehension stems from the child's fear that coming back home will confirm his subconscious concern that his parents would rather be without him. When parents respond harshly to child's irritability, they confirm his hidden sense that they would prefer he wasn't there. So, precisely because of his bad mood, which makes it that much harder to greet him lovingly and calmly, make the effort to ensure that his homecoming experience will be a as pleasant as possible, even though it may be difficult for you. Even if the child comes with a sour face, but look at him with a smile, call out his name, say "Hello, good to see you. How are you?" And even if afterwards they're going to complain and cry, but that smile and that "Hello" will stay with them. And next time they're going to come with more strength. They're going to come home and they're going to reassure themselves, "There's nothing to worry about. This experience in school is a temporary one. As soon as I come home, my mother, my father will greet me warmly and excitingly. And that's the most important. Everything else is not important in my life. And therefore, I myself can leave that behind, process it well, and come home calmly and happily." In talks with adolescents, when the issue of how their parents related to them comes up, the way they were greeted when they got home at the end of the day is frequently central to how they describe their parents' attitude toward them. How do children know if we love them or not? From the response they get when they enter the house. If everyone is busy doing their things, no one pays attention, it tells them that they don't matter. That they don't count. They don't exist. Many kids will cite it as clear proof of their parents' feelings toward them, positive or otherwise. Similarly, the moment a parent arrives home after being out for the day is very significant. If the child comes home first and then the parent comes, the parent has to prepare themselves to come in happily. Even though the parent may be stressed, but he has to tell himself consciously, "My children need me. My spouse needs me. I'm going to leave my problems outside of the door. And I'm going to come to into the house happily. And I'm going to take care of everyone. And then later, I'll deal deal with my problems. Or tomorrow I'll deal with my problems." It's worth getting into the habit of entering the house happily with a big smile, as stressful and and exhausting as the day may have been. Experience with many parents shows that although it is hard to get used to this initially, even very hard, it is doable. And the returns are immense. Both greeting the child with a smile and coming home yourself with a smile. To sum up, a child has a most basic essential need to feel loved, wanted, and valued all the time unconditionally means independent of his behavior. The child has to receive love, the feeling of someone wants him, and the feeling that he is valued all the time. Even if he made mistake, even if he was naughty, even if he rebelled. This feeling is what most fortifies the child against the temptations of the street, and not not having this feeling makes the attraction of the street virtually impossible to resist. What this means practically is that the child's sense of being loved, wanted, and valued depends entirely on regular and explicit expressions of love from the parents. And a tranquil and supportive home atmosphere reinforces these feelings. And stress and tense atmosphere in home works against them. Therefore, the more stressed and pressured atmosphere at home, the more love we must express to counteract it. Especially if the tension stems from the child's behavior. In order to build and firmly establish the child's sense of being loved and valued, efforts should be made to ensure that the child goes to sleep with calm and pleasant and warm feelings, wakes up and leaves home with calm, pleasant, and warm feelings, and comes home with calm, pleasant, and warm feelings. We finish the first section of hinukh of the proper um educational system, the positive aspect of hinukh, and that is showing love, expressing love, showing your children that they're valued, and we learn some basic techniques and requirements. Now, let me look at the chat for questions that people ask. First, all um classes that we we we do, we record them and we post them on TorahAnytime. If you go to TorahAnytime un- under my name, um Rabbi Yochanan, y u h a n a n, you will see a lot of classes on uh parenting, a lot of classes on Chovot Halevavot, on Mesilat Yesharim, on um halacha, laws of Shabbat, laws of kashrut, laws of blessings, as long as as as as as well as various topics. Um we have over 40 classes on parenting on TorahAnytime, so please listen to all of them. Now, often kids come home and fall apart at home because it's a safe space. They pay attention and do what they're supposed to in school, and they know they can complain, misbehave at home because they know that they don't have to hold um it in. Okay, that's true. Is that the good thing? Of course, that's a good thing, but what we are saying is that when the parent will greet them with a smile and excitement, and will give them attention, time to spend together, and listen to them and play with them and read to them and do homework with them. It doesn't have to occupy a lot of time as long as it's concentrated on them. They will calm down. They will feel safe. They will not need to prove it to themselves that they can do it. They will feel safe and calm and you you will satisfy their need to feel that they're free, they're independent, that they can do whatever they want without actually being wild. So, it's a it's an important investment into our children. And the three most important times are when they go to sleep, when they wake up, and when they come home or when the parent comes home. Thank you for joining us. Good night and everyone should have happy and sweet children children and happiness at home. Amen. All the best.