Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 47 Three Most Important Times During the Day to Show Your L

[snorts] Good evening. We are continuing learning about parenting and last time we spoke about creating a positive atmosphere in your home. Um and we mentioned that this is one of the most important things most one of the most important things that you can do to make sure that your children are healthy that they have uh good self-esteem that they're going to stay on the right path they're going to follow your footsteps and that is because when children see parents who are happy. They have a feeling that what their parents are doing is right. And then they say, I see how confident and how calm and how happy my parents are. I know that they have got it. They know the truth and I want to follow them. And it also creates a a feeling of satisfaction in the child with themselves, with their family, with the world. And then whatever we're teaching them, they will easily absorb. As opposed to when there's criticism, there is negativity, there's unhappiness in the atmosphere of the home. Then whatever is coming from our direction, they will view in the same way. and they will view everything negative. And if we teach them about God, they will view it as negative. We teach them about Torah and mitzvot, they will view it as negative. So it's only when the source where the teaching is coming from is positive. So we have to be positive. We have to treat them with happiness, with respect. And um to summarize last time the chapter finished with words, today's atmosphere demands of us constant displays of love expressed explicitly through words and actions in order to make our children feel loved and valued. Even if you provide your children with all the nutritious foods and warm clothing and uh nicely decorated home, if if they don't feel loved and valued, it's all going to mean nothing. And today we go to chapter or subchapter 7, some practical pointers. If you have the book, we're on page 327. Seriously changing the home atmosphere takes a long time and a lot of effort. Which means if you notice that we could use some positivity in our home. We should uh use more praises, compliments, more smiles, more hugs, more quality time together. It's hard to change it overnight. you you you have to uh change slowly and you need to put in effort. But there is a way to achieve maximum results with relatively minimal effort. We will boil it down to the basic minimum by pointing out the three most critical times of the day when our main efforts should be made. Because our children are more or less independent. They don't need our phone calls. They don't need our checking in on them. They don't need to spend a lot of time us to spend a lot of time with them. But the critical times during their day, if we cover that, the rest of the day they'll be fine on their own. If the atmosphere at home at home can be enhanced at least at these three times, we can consider most of the job done. Number one, the most important time of the day is bedtime. And that's understandable because when [clears throat] children go to bed, they stay alone with their thoughts and they start thinking, is my life good? Is my family good? Do my parents love me? Am I lucky to be here? How do I compare myself with my friends? And if a parent spends time with children right before they go to sleep, not a lot of time, even just to look them in the eyes and say, "You should have a good night." And uh hug them or tell them a little story or read for them for three to five minutes. Even sit next to them while they are tucking themselves into bed. um that will leave them with with a positive feeling as they are laying there alone and throughout the night they will sleep calmly and when they wake up in the morning they will wake up happily because they know they are sleeping in a safe home in a home where they are loved. Every effort should be made to put the child to sleep feeling calm and content. Deal with any outstanding issues beforehand [snorts] so that by the time the child goes to sleep, he feels cozy and loved. And as as with u everything, if you want a good result, you need to be willing to put in the effort. Because if uh you you hope that things will work out by themselves, they're not going to work out by themselves. As we know, things only deteriorate by themselves. If you want things to improve, you need to put in effort. Uh so it's worth it to put in the time to to to be next to the child to give them the attention that they crave. And then we will make our job easier because they will be more calm, more content. they will not cry, whine, complain, nag uh too much because of that little bit quality time that we spent with them. So going to sleep is the most important time of the day for us to show our children that we love them and value them. Going to sleep co cozily and happily is a very important need for a child. Sleep is a significant factor in a child's emotional welfare to begin with. Of course, children need to sleep enough. But how they go to sleep is also very important. Not with threats, not with screams, not with punishments. Apart from the physical rejuvenation that the sleep provides, sleeping in a calm and contented state provides emotional rejuvenation as well. Falling asleep with warm feelings is the key to achieving this state. And again, you can't just send send your child to sleep while you are busy with whatever you're doing. and expect them to obey and actually go to sleep because one of the reasons children don't want to go to sleep is because they're missing something. They want a connection. If you spend five t five minutes with them, hug them, read them a story, talk to them, look at them, listen to them, then when you tell them, okay, now it's time to go to sleep, they will happily go happily go to sleep by themselves. That's the the goal. But you need that five minute time with them or go with them. Make them comfortable. They may be scared of the the dark room. Put them to bed. Stay with them next to them in a calm way without rebuking, without criticizing, without teaching. Just stay with them. Spend time with them. Right now, at that moment before they go to sleep, it's not the time for preaching, not the time for lecturing. It's the time just to show them that they are are valuable as an individual to tell them I love you. To tell them you are important to me. I trust in you. I believe in you. You will you will succeed. You will have a good day. Have a have a good night to make them comfortable to make them safe to calm them down. Falling asleep with warm feelings is the key to achieving the state of contentment of being satisfied with your life, satisfied with yourself, being accepting of yourself. This is uh one of the most important things that people don't have and that is acceptance of yourself. Acceptance of who you are. I am safe. I am good. I am protected. I am capable. These are the messages that we have to give our children as they go to sleep. The calm and happy feelings with which the child falls asleep work their way into his deep consciousness and release the stresses that he may have accumulated throughout the day. Yes, being a child is difficult. The teachers are telling you what to do. The principal is scaring you. older uh kids are threatening you. You don't get along with uh your classmates. The younger kids are bothering you, the boss and the siblings and the parents, it's very difficult to be a child. But when they go to sleep with their parent next to them and the parent gives them positive messages, I love you. You are good. You're val valuable to me. You're precious to me. You can do it. You're going to have a good day tomorrow. Everything's okay. You're safe. I believe in you. Then they forget about everything. They realize that whatever happened with them outside is not important. It's who they are that's important. It's the connection to their parents. And they trust their parents more than anyone else in the world. And if their parents tell them that they're good, they will believe in it and they'll be able to pass any challenge. When the child successfully releases these stresses from the entire day, at that moment of bedtime, he wakes up feeling relaxed and refreshed, ready to take on the new day. He's not going to have nightmares. in in the middle of the night, his mind is going to be working through everything that happened in the during the day with a new sense of security. He'll remember how the teacher was demanding and he'll say, "Yes, but my mother loves me. I'm a good person." So, he pushes the teacher aside. He remembers how he was bullied, but then he'll remember, yes, but I'm safe and protected and my parents love me. I'm a good person. And he doesn't care about the bully anymore. And all the difficulties, all the worries, he views through a new lens of strength and acceptance of himself. And in the morning he wakes up and there are no problems because everything has been worked through positively and he can face a new day refreshed and recharged. But if he if he falls asleep in a stressed state his sleep is unsettled and unrestful. Not only all the stresses of the day are still with him, but also the stress of the night is with him because it didn't feel good when the parents screamed at him to go to sleep. When his parents threw him in his room to go to sleep, when his parents threatened him. When his parents didn't give him attention. When his parents rebuked him. When his parents criticized him. when his parents were demeaning to him and then he he's laying there at night and he's feeling pity on himself. Then instead of being released, the stresses entrench themselves further as the child sleeps, sometimes reaching disproportionate degrees. Bedtime has a way of being the most difficult and aggravating part of the day for parents. The kids will stall for time, nag, whine, anything, but cooperate and settle down. It can seem impossible to get through bad time without negativity. Again, we have to keep in mind what is our goal. Our goal is not simply to get rid of the kids so that we can do our things. Our goal should not simply be I want them to have a good night's sleep the 10 12 hours because 10 or 12 hours of unrestful sleep of stressed sleep is not good. Don't worry about the hours rather worry about the quality. And it's okay if they spend another half hour settling down, playing or finishing their homework or just relaxing, reading a nice calm book. And it's okay to invest extra five minutes from your busy day and put them to sleep calmly because putting them to sleep calmly will be faster than screaming at them. Because screaming at them will not only make it stressful today, but it's going to set you into a routine of stress for the rest of your uh child raising years. And so it's it's worth it to invest at the beginning of your um parenting career into a calm environment at home at night when your young children will learn that at night we don't scream, we're nice to each other, we help each other, we spend time with each other, we cooperate. And then when you have more children and your younger children now become uh the older siblings, they will teach the younger children how to cooperate, how to be calm and uh settled. So that initial investment into your young children will make your life easier and in the long term will save you a lot of time. But it is important to understand that children resist going to sleep because they feel threatened by it. They don't want to be alone. They want to be with the parents. They don't want to go to sleep without those few minutes of reassurance from their parents. And they will come back again and again. The parent will scream. The child will come back as if to say, "I don't want you to scream at me. I want you to hold me, hug me, and be nice to me. And then I'll surely go to sleep. I'm tired. I want to go to sleep, but I want to feel calm and secure. I don't want to run away as from a tiger from my parent because he's threatening me. I don't want to go to sleep out of fear. I want to go to sleep because that is a safe place for me. It it may not be a conscious fear of sleep. It is an unconscious trepidation arising from the various stresses and anxieties that they may experience in their sleep. They don't know themselves why they don't like to sleep. But on their subconscious level, it's because as we mentioned before, the mind goes through the day and tries to process it. And when they go to sleep stressed out without the the the parents reassurance, they view their entire day with even more stress. And when they sleep, they might not know it consciously, but their mind is not at rest. They're tossing and turning and they're having nightmares. They don't like it. And so they they have a negative association with sleep because they don't get the therapeutic benefit from the sleep that they should be getting. Experience shows that the more a child gets used to going to sleep, feeling cozy and content, the more the struggles decrease, making bedtime increasing increasingly easier. So you your investment actually pays for itself. So working hard to get this right will eventually make life easier. It's a worthwhile investment with very great returns. Not only your child's life will improve and your life will improve. This is as they say in Russian. The slower you go the further you get. This is very true with children that the less you push them and the more encouragement and positivity you give them, the further they're going to go by themselves. You don't have to drag them. You don't have to kick them, push them, enforce it. Soft, easy does it. Bear in mind also that even on those days when bedtime does does become negative, we're human and sometimes we overreact and we make mistakes. It can be fixed up afterwards by coming back to the child's bed once the battles have seized and he's finally settled in. Let's say a person or the parent overreacted. The child was screaming and they they uh forced them into the bed through threats or screams or beatings, God forbid, and the child cried and finally they ended up in the bed. So don't wait until the child wakes up in the morning and then try to make up. Go to the child as they're laying there trying to fall asleep and they can't wait a bit. Let the dust settle and then go back to him, sit with him, stroke him, hug him, kiss him, and speak softly to him and make sure he falls asleep feeling cozy and content. And even though he may be upset at the parent, but then at the end he'll say, "You know what? I see that my father or my mother care for me. I see that they love me. I see that they feel bad that I was hurt. And even though it may be their fault, but still they are trying to show me that they feel bad and that's a very good feeling for a child. Now I'm reading the two notes on the bottom. Establishing regular bedtime routines is very healthy for this reason to establish a an environment where a child knows what to expect and slowly they get used to it. A bedtime story or a song or saying she shama together with the parent turns going to sleep into a pleasant experience. The familiar routine also gives it a safer and more secure feel. The time, you should try to keep the time the same. You should try to keep the routine the same. First we wash, then we go to the room, then we sit on the bed, then we say schma, I tell you a story, I wish you good night, I kiss you, I hug you, and then I slowly leave. and he knows that every day the same thing happens. Now [clears throat and cough] the second point which is the second time during the day that is very important to show the child that we love and approve of them is getting up in the morning. We said the first most important time is going to bed. The second is waking up in the morning and sending them to school because the way you raise them up from sleep and send them to school will stay with them for the whole school day. Whether it's four, five, six, eight, 10 hours of school, they will remember that I have my parents back at home who love me, who care for me, and I feel safe in school. I feel safe on the bus. I feel safe with my friends. I feel confident that I can learn, that I will be successful. Why? because there's someone who believes in me. Getting up in the morning is a very important time and one which is especially conducive to stress and struggles just like going to bed is very stressful. Getting up in the morning for parents and for children is very stressful. Parents are always uh in a rush. They have to go to work. They have to take care of other kids. They have to prepare breakfast. They don't want children to miss their bus and so they are screaming, they are nudging, they are pushing and uh of course children don't like that. It's worthwhile to make an effort to wake the children up in a good mood and for that the parent has to wake up a little bit early to take care of themselves. You cannot give attention to your children calmly if you need to use the bathroom, if you need to brush your teeth, if you need to get dressed, if you need to [cough] do whatever you need to do. And you also have to take care of children. So wake up a little bit earlier. That extra five minutes will save the day. You take care of your bodily needs. Take a drink. Say some morning blessings. Get dressed and then wake up children on time. Wake them up slowly and softly exuding cheer and humor and getting them ready to leave home in a happy state. And also it's very important not to look for perfection. any area in life and especially in the morning. Things don't have to be perfect. It's okay if their clothing is not perfectly ironed. It's okay if their [clears throat] bed is not perfectly made. It's okay if their snacks and breakfast and lunch is not 100% to your liking. It's okay if they didn't eat a healthy breakfast at home. It's okay if they're not dressed properly for the weather outside. That's not the main thing. The main thing is that they have positive happy mood when they leave home and the the the the happy state of mind will protect them from malnutrition. Don't worry, they're not going to u starve. Here in America, we feed our children well. in Israel as well, most pe people, most children don't go hungry and therefore with uh eating a little bit less snacks and a little bit less breakfast and a little bit less healthy breakfast, nothing's going to happen to them. Going outside a little bit underdressed, nothing's going to happen to them. As long as they're happy and upbeat, that's going to give them energy. that's going to give them um body heat [snorts] that's going to keep them warm throughout the day. However, if you put them down and if you tell them you're going to get sick, you're going to die like a dog, you're going to starve, you're going to have stomach ache, you your teeth are going to rot, you're giving them negative messages, that's what's going to happen to them, God forbid. And when they go out in the street and they say, "Wow, my parents told me that I'm going to get sick because it's cold. Wow, I feel it. It's coming." Of course, they're going to get sick with such messages. Rather tell them, "You look good. You should have a good day. It's okay. Run to the bus. It's fine." Then they're gonna go and they they'll say, "Oh, it feels cold, but my parents said it's okay. I'm gonna handle it. I'm gonna survive. it's going to be fine and they strengthen themselves and they um re-energize themselves and nothing's going to happen to them. So again, if you have time and you have the ability to to dress them properly, to feed them properly, fine. But if you have to choose calmness, happiness or being dressed properly and fed properly, then calmness and happiness always wins. We all know how much the morning affects our entire day and how a positive start to the day sets things on the right track. A child is no different. If he leaves the house in good spirits, his day will be much more successful and productive than the day of a child who leaves the house kicking and screaming and in a bad mood. Parents will invest good money to move their children ahead in their studies.