Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 46 Showing Love to Your Children will Not Spoil Them! Child

Shalom. We are continuing learning about parenting from Rabbi Yakobson's book and we are on page 316. We mentioned last week that um besides control and besides authority, a very important part of education, the actual education is instilling in our children desire to be good, desire to do proper things. Even without parents supervision, children should be inspired to do what's right by themselves. And um the best way to achieve it is through positive environment, through love, through uh positive reinforcement, encouragement. And the topic today is effusive love. Is that pampering? Is there such a thing as giving too much love? Some parents justify distanced behavior by explaining that they don't want to pamper or spoil their children. Yes, we live in a world where children are overprotected. Children are spoiled and it's not good. Yes, we agree that spoiling children hurts children. Spoiling children makes them insecure, makes them vulnerable, makes them unhappy. And in the name of not spoiling children, some parents make a mistake and they treat their children sternly. They treat them without a smile, without a hug, without a kind word. And let's see if this is correct. Not being soft, they explain, will make the child strong and tough, capable of dealing with the real world. And I'll tell you from my experience that from the tough parents come insecure children because the message they get is I'm never good enough. That means that I am incapable of doing anything. My parents never approve no matter how hard I try. and therefore they have very low self-esteem. This is nothing but a distorted rationalization. Again, a a parent that thinks that I cannot show my love to a child because then he will become spoiled, that is a distorted rationalization. It reflects a confused grasp of grasp of concepts and a headon conflict with reality. Showering warmth and love on children does not spoil them. Spoiling means granting any of the child's wishes or demands and giving in and backing down whenever a conflict arises. Giving in to all the child's whims and refraining from imposing demands and challenges. So how do you spoil children? by giving them anything they ask for and by not standing up to their whims and demands. That is problematic spoiling and pampering. But showing love has nothing to do with spoiling. I can show love, hug my child, kiss my child, say I love them, and when they ask me for candy, I'll say no, but I love you and I will kiss you and I will hug you and I will spend time with you, but no candy. So I can give a lot of love without giving in to their demands. And unfortunately, we think what does love mean? Love means fulfilling your desires. If someone tells me, can you please buy me a pack of cigarettes? And I say, I love you, so I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm not going to love you. And then I'm going to go them and buy for them cigarettes and drugs and alcohol. That's not love. That's weakness. Love is uh expressing your esteem, your honor for the other person, your desire to spend time with them. And by the way, spouses make the same mistake. A husband may say, "I don't understand my wife. She tells me that I don't love her. I buy for her everything. I provide everything for my family. I pay rent and I do shopping and I pay for her car lease and insurance and phone bill. Oh, she doesn't understand that I love her. And the wife says, "No, that's not love. That is just service. That is just doing your duty. But do you respect me? Do you love you do me? Do you appreciate me? Do you want to spend time with me? I don't see that. You just write a check and that's it. I'm not a a debt collector. I am a wife. So there is absolutely no connection between expressing love and spoiling. None at all. Any suggested connection between the two is a confused jumble. Again, this is very important. So I'm going to repeat it. Showering warmth and love on children does not spoil them. Spoiling children happens when we grant them any wishes and demands and backing down whenever conflict arises. Giving in to all the child's whims and refraining from imposing demands and challenges and rules. When we don't give them rules and demands, that's what spoils them. And again, it's a mistake in communication. We think that saying no hurts people. We think that saying no is a sign that I don't love them. In reality, saying I love you is a sign of love. Not saying yes. Saying yes is a sign of weakness. Saying I love you is a sign of love. Not only does this argument confuse the concept, it actually turns them upside down. Very often it is precisely the parents who do not express enough love who tend to pamper and spoil their children. They don't have time for their children. They cannot spend quality time. So instead they give them a video game. Instead they order pizza for them. Instead they buy them a whole chest of toys. Instead they send them to an expensive camp brand name clothing and they think that through that they are showing love but instead is just spoiling them because I cannot I'm incapable of showing love instead I can only spoil. They feel a deep need conscious or unconscious to compensate for their lack of love and their inability to express it. So they prefer to shower the child with all kinds of material things instead instead and they refrain from placing demands on their children in order to create an illusion of a thriving relationship. Since I know my child is going to say no, my child is going to complain. So, I'm just not going to ask them anything and I don't want to fight and therefore whenever they ask me I'll just do it. That's not a loving relationship. That is a slave and mastery relationship. Again, it's upside down where the child is the boss and the parent is a slave. We will end this discussion with a lengthy detailed description of a unique case of a father who refrained from expressing love in order not to pamper his son. In this particular case, the father's behavior clearly did not stem from a lack of love. It was a conscious decision not to show love. It emerged very clearly that his love for his son was the focal point of his life. But as much as he loved him, the boy never knew about it. The father's feelings were well hidden behind his tough exterior. So again, people who are afraid to spoil their children, they tend to be tough and yes, they don't spoil their children, but at the same time, children suffer because they don't see any warmth and love from parents. And parents who are um just maybe shy to express love, they try to compensate with physical gifts. Or parents who don't have time to show love, they try to compensate with physical gifts. or parents who don't have love compensate with physical gifts just to look a good parent. Look at my son. Look at my daughter. I treat them well. I raise them well. Whereas I don't care about them. I care about my career. And so in all these cases if love is not shown, real love is not shown, the child will be harmed. Either he will become spoiled or he will not have any self-esteem. Now the example we're about to bring provides a uniquely vivid illustration of the terribly painful realization that hit this father eventually. And now a long example is coming. Listen, you don't have to hear me out, but I need to let it out. I just realized today quite how dumb I am. He forced a half laugh, half sobb, and looked at me. Has that ever happened to you when the realization of your stupidity suddenly hits you like a ton of bricks? I kept quiet. And by the way, this is one of the fears that we should have. What if at the end of my life, I realized that I made a mistake. If I realized that there was a much better way to live life and I ignored it or I didn't know it and that fear that one day we might realize that we made a mistake should encourage us to explore the options to search for truth to learn to educate ourselves in all areas of life parenting and marriage and communication. And of course, religion and everything else that that we uh are involved in. And therefore by educating ourselves and trying this method, this method, choosing the best, we will know for sure that we not make a mistake because we have seen everything and we chose the best. So this father unfortunately it was late maybe not too late he realized that he made a mistake. It began when my son was a baby. My stupidity had already started then but it exploded in my face just today. I took the opportunity to get my first word in. I really don't know what you're talking about. You know what? Let me tell you what happened today and then I'll tell you what it what it made me realize. It was hard to tell whether he was answering my question or talking to himself. I came home from prayer and I found my son standing near my wife with a suitcase in his hand. Where are you going? I asked. No answer. Then I noticed that my wife was crying. Confused, I asked my son again what was going on. He ignored me. He stepped up to my wife and gave her a kiss. She cried harder. I started to feel upset. Why do I keep repeating the question without getting any response? Would someone please tell me what's going on now? He responded. He stepped right up to me, very close. The way you do when you're trying to show someone that you're not scared of them. So my son, my little boy comes right up to me. His dad gives me a tough look and says, "I'm leaving." Just like that. Leaving? Where? Why? What happened? No answer, no explanation. Picture your son, your little boy, suddenly coming and announcing, "I'm leaving." Can you imagine it? I was all mixed up. I didn't know what to say. He just opened the door and walked out. Not even a goodbye. My boy, my only son is leaving me. Leaving me. He doesn't want me. Doesn't even tell me goodbye. Why? What did I do to him? He stood up shakily, turned around and walked to the window. When he returned, his eyes were red. And he continued his story. My wife looked at me. Her eyes were so sad. And I felt like crying. I felt an accusation in her eyes. She didn't say anything. She was a good wife. Never had anything negative to say. He smiled. I am unbelievably stupid because it hit me then that it was my fault. I suddenly realized that he ran away because of me. I finally got it. In one moment, I realized that he needed to escape from me. That he couldn't live with a father like me. I went to his room. His bed was not made, but I suddenly didn't care. His stuff was all over the place. I had never even realized that he collected stamps and Rabani pictures. Now they were all over the place. As I thought about it, it suddenly hit me that I never really knew my son. I suddenly realized that I don't know anything about him. And as an interjection, how [snorts] many of us know our children? How many of us speak regularly with our children about them, about what's on their mind, about what they are interested in? And how many of us are involved in the thoughts of our children? Do we know what they think when they are alone? Do we know what they think before going to sleep? What they think on the bus on the way to school? I never took an interest in his interests. I his father was like a stranger. Now I realized that he wanted a father like everyone else. A father who can also be a friend, who can offer a good word, who knows how to hug and kiss. But I never kissed him. Even when he was really little, even when I gave him the blessing on Friday night, I was afraid of spoiling him. He's my only son. He was an older man. And he explained, "In France before the war, I had two babies. The Nazis murdered them. two sweet little babies. I didn't want him to be helpless and vulnerable like them. I didn't want him to die. I wanted him to be strong and tough. I wanted him to be able to handle the real world. He shook his head. How could I not feel what it's like to be a little kid whose father doesn't hug him? He once even asked me to kiss him. He was really little, maybe three years old. Aba, he cried. Abba, give me a kiss. But I didn't kiss him. Don't be a I said. Never a warm word, not from me. Just reprimands and criticism. I always wanted him to be better, stronger, more capable. So I never told him what a great kid he is. I only showed him what was wrong with him. He wiped his eyes and sat quietly. After a long silence, he continued, "I sat in his room on his bed." With all these things going through my head, I sat there thinking about how I had treated him. I lifted a picture from the floor. It was lying with a bunch of other things. It was a picture of him when he was 2 years old with big black curls and big sad brown eyes. At 2-year-old with such sad eyes, my heart achd. I felt like the poor baby in the picture was talking to me. He was asking, "Why didn't you love me? Why?" I felt like he was talking to me from the picture. I would have given anything in the world to speak to him at that moment. to speak to him straight from the heart, to tell him the truth. I felt desperate to tell him how much I love him, to let him know what he means to me, to explain that he is all I have. I wanted to tell him that I have nothing to live for anymore. My whole life is just him. I wanted to apologize. These are thoughts that go through many people's minds when their loved ones are gone. When we lose a parent or god forbid a sibling from old age or a grandparent, we all of a sudden think if I could only speak to them one more time and tell them how much I love them, appreciate them, how much I I am grateful for everything they have done and I want to tell them how good they for and how I respect them, but it's too late and we feel bad that we didn't take the opportunity. And he continues, I got up. I wanted to run after him to beg him to come back to forgive me, but then only then I realized that it's too late, that I missed my chance. He's a big boy, 17. That poor little boy who asked me for a kiss just yesterday is already 17 and now he hates me. He doesn't want anything to do with me and he's right. The poor father stared at me as though I had just thrown those tough words, he is right, into his face. And he continued, "I drove my son away with my own hands and I started to cry. I sobbed like a baby. I wept like I did when I lost my babies in the war. Just that then I was crying about what the Nazis did to me and now I was crying about what I did to myself." He looked me in the eyes. Tell me the truth. Would you have believed that a mean guy like me could cry like that? He apparently didn't even realize that now too his face was covered with tears. And he continued, "It took me a long time to calm down. As soon as I did, I rushed right over here. I came here because I heard that you are involved. you had been involved with him for a while. So, I figured that he probably came here to you to your hostel. I got here to try to see him and I did. He was out on the court, but he didn't want to see me. He slipped away and disappeared. I just wanted to apologize. I just wanted to let him know that I love him, but he ran away. So, that's why I'm here in your office. I'm begging you. Do it for me. Tell him everything I said. Tell him I love him. That I'm sorry. And by the way, this boy was very brave. He did something that many kids would not have done. He knew what the problem was and he knew he cannot handle it. And instead of doing something bad, instead of hurting himself, damaging himself, damaging his going going against God just to get back at his father. Instead, he did the right thing. He left the house. He left that environment that he couldn't handle. But not all of us are so fortunate. And his father realized his mistake immediately. Not all of us realize our mistakes. And many kids, they don't know what to do. And they search for that love on the street. And they search for that warmth through entertainment and forbidden pleasures. So this father did something right. He raised a child who had good understanding and mind. And when in pain, he chose the right way to go to his rabbi and seek help. So now the father comes to the rabbi and says, "Please tell him I love him. That's all I want. Even though I realized it's it's a lost cause. I lost my only son and I did it to myself. He fell silent. He wiped his face and looked at me waiting for my response and I didn't know what to say. "I don't even know who you are," I said hesitantly. "Huh? I don't know who you who you are. You still haven't told me your name. You don't know who I am." No, I'm Aar's father. I was speechless. Aar's father. I was in total shock. I would never have imagined him this way. Aer always described him as a heartless, mean, arrogant brute. He was always willing to swear that his father would be happy if he left home. You don't know? I do. Of course I do, I said quickly. I was just a bit thrown. I'm not sure how to respond. Give me some time to digest this. He stood up. His self-confidence had returned and he was back in control. Forget about it. I'm not going to put you on the spot. You don't owe me anything. I understand that you don't want to for voice your opinion. That's fine. It's hard to tell a father that he woke up too late and that there is nothing that can be done. No, no, shalom, I said quickly. But he cut me off. Of course, it's true. I can sense that you are are not very fond of me, but that's fine. I just love try to compensate him as much as you can. I'll pay you for your efforts. Whatever you ask, I'll pay you for everything you did until now without my knowledge. Maybe you'll be able to repair some of the damage I did. He stopped short. Apparently, he didn't want to get emotional again. He gave a short goodbye and left the office. That's the end of the story. And let's hope that the rabbi was able to fix the situation, was able to relate the father's love to the child and and heal their relationship. We deliber deliberately chose this long descriptive account hoping that it will provide another benefit. Maybe, just maybe, it will unear feelings that have been long buried under mounds of justification and r rationalization. Maybe it will soften hearts that have been frozen by cold rational explanations. Maybe again the rule is that showering warmth and love on your children in no way spoils them. On the contrary, in most cases, spoiling and pampering is an attempt to compensate for difficulty in feeling and expressing love. Again, as we started, when parents spoil their children, it's because they don't have love for them or don't know how to show their love for them. And either to just superficially show that they're good parents, they spoil their children, or to compensate for their lack of ability to show their love, they spoil their children. Love does not spoil. Saying yes spoils. Now sub chapter six. The effect of the general atmosphere in the home. We mentioned before that the atmosphere in home should be positive, should be pleasant, should be respectful and um that's what will help the child to develop a a a good selfesteem. Now a child's sense of being loved and valued depends not only on the way we relate to him directly but also on the general atmosphere in the home. >> The general atmosphere very much affects the child's sense of well-being. When we speak to our spouse, when we speak to other children, when we speak to guests, when we speak to telemarketers, a tranqu