Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 45 Express Your Love to Your Children! Openly and Consisten

and my father openly displeased had no choice but to hear what I wanted in exchange for the aficoman. I tried to overcome the trembling I suddenly felt. I breathed deeply and then sped it out. I want you to kiss me just once in your life. The silence was palpable. I assume that I was as red as a beat. It took some time before I dared lift my head. I glanced around and suddenly felt tears of relief. My oldest brother, the pride of the family, the model of perfection, whom they always pushed me to be like, was wiping away a tear. I also noticed my older married sister, the one who was always right on hand to help my parents with my kin, covering her eyes with a tissue. My mother was crying. My father was in shock. So, it wasn't just me. I wasn't the only one sentimental weakling in my capable, unscentimental family. I'm not the only weirdo. It didn't heal my hurt. I don't think it will ever heal entirely, but I'm aware of it now and I understand it. That's also something. You were right. I apologize. This report illustrates that the child's denial proves nothing. This is an immensely important point for anyone who utilizes such denials as an excuse for not expressing love. Oh, my child doesn't need my child is fine. If these people would understand that children cannot always identify the lacks that they suffer from. If they were realized that children are liable to deny their distress and suppress it from themselves, if they could be convinced that this is a need and cannot be filled by itself, the ine their inevitable conclusion would be to change the approach. They would change it despite all the convincing arguments and philosophical rationalizations. But if as David says they will not know and they will not understand, then as David continues, they will walk in darkness and they will keep their children in darkness as well. If they do not make the effort to overcome their difficulties in this area before it is too late, they are sacrificing their children's souls. Shalom. Yes, it's difficult to say I love you to your child. Especially for fathers and even for mothers if they haven't done it for for a long time. And it's difficult to just hug your children for no reason. And it's difficult to smile at your children, especially if they've been doing trouble for so long and they not cooperating and they're not doing their homework. How can I smile at them? But [clears throat] that's the cause of all these problems of all the trouble they doing of non-ooperation of lack of desire to go to school and do homework because they don't feel loved. They are not proud of who they are. They don't have a strong self-esteem because the parents don't express their love to the children. In summary, an atmosphere of warmth and love is created only by explicit clear expression of affection and love provided on a regular basis. And not only that, alienating behavior is often caused by another widespread mistake. And that's the subject of the next um section. Section four, unconditional love. An approach seems to have developed which maintains that children should be show shown warmth and love only in response to good behavior. They're good, so we will smile. They got a 100 on their test, so I'm going to hug them. I'm going to praise them only if they did exactly what I asked them to. This approach advises hugging a child only after he has done something good and telling him mommy loves you. You are acting beautifully and the implication is because you are acting beautifully that is why I approve of you otherwise you're not good enough otherwise I don't love you. This is terribly misguided. One sad example of the consequences of this approach appeared early in the chapter and now we quote what we already said. He would smile at me when he could show off my good marks or when I helped out a lot. Once or twice he even gave me a hug and a kiss, but most of the time he treated me just like another guy, not like his son. He would also get mad and hit me when I went to my aunt's house because they are not so religious. But I go anyway because she always smiles at me. She was always happy when I came to her and she always hugged me even though I wasn't her son. And she did it even when I didn't do something good for her. This speaks for itself. Now it's true that we have to praise the child when they do something good. Positive reinforcement is very important. But this is additional positive expressions. But the basic positive expressions must be there just because he is a human being. On top of it, he is your child and therefore we have to love every Jew and certainly we have to love our children. Why? Not because he's a good Jew. Not because he's a good boy or a good girl. Just because he is a Jew, just because he's my child, I love him unconditionally. Connecting expression of love to a child's behavior gives him the message that he he himself doesn't deserve love in his own right. Love is something he can earn by doing things which give his parents pleasure, which give him merit in the eyes of parents. If he stops performing, then he's a nobody. If he stops satisfying his parents, then he's a zero. That's what he understands. Love is something that he can earn by doing things which give his parents pleasure. Thus, even if he does earn expressions of love, he will relay them only as expressions of his parents selfish pleasure. I got a good grade to make my parents proud to make to allow them to brag to their friends. And that's why they praise me. It's a payment for me for giving them the merchandise. Would anyone entertain the thought of feeding their child only if he behaves properly? Could anyone think of caring for their child's welfare only in exchange for doing good things? When you make love dependent on good behavior, it's no different. Expressing love is not a prize. It is a most basic emotional need. And depriving a child of it is real abuse. You're not giving something to the child that you're supposed to. He's not supposed to earn your love. You're supposed to show it to him. You're supposed to give it to him. Hashem implanted that love in the heart of every parent. We cannot suppress it. We cannot hide it, push it away, be embarrassed of it. The following incident appears at the request of the father involved. Although usually the author changes the details of stories not to reveal who it is. Here he uh said it exactly as it happened with no changes. Originally the father was a staunch follower of the above approach but he completely changed his mind as a result of a specific incident. A couple came to consult about their son. A boy bullied other kids regularly and behaved in a rebellious and insolent manner all the time. No one could get him under control. The mechan the educator whom the parents approached realized that this child was acting out because of the stress of love depending on his good behavior. This brought parents and child into a vicious cycle. The more the parents behaved distantly to punish the child for his behavior, the more he would act up. And the more he acted up, the more distant the parents would become. The parents would not accept this educator's advice. They refused to believe that their son felt unloved. But then something happened that completely convinced them. The boy really liked the father's typewriter. It was an expensive and delicate machine. The father had warned the boy severely many times not to dare come anywhere near it. The boy, of course, didn't listen. He would take advantage of every opportunity when his parents weren't around to play with the typewriter. Once his father came home a bit earlier than expected, he walked into his study. Just as the boy was hacking away at the keys, startled by his father's sudden appearance, the child jumped and knocked the typewriter onto the floor and it broke. The boy was paralyzed with fear. He went pale and his whole body shook. The furious father took a a a quick step forward, raising his hand to administer a good slap. The terrified boy couldn't even move. Suddenly, the father stopped and stared at his son in shock and pain. The boy's wide eyes, pale face, and terrorstricken expression shook him to the core. His son had the look of a p person cornered by a cruel enemy. The father struggled to regain his bear bearings. He took a deep breath, put his hand on the boy's shoulder, looked into his eyes, and said quietly, "I am very unhappy that the typewriter broke. It was very expensive. I'm also very unhappy that you didn't listen to me. But I'm even more unhappy about the way you look. You're looking at me as though I don't like you. Like I'm a stranger and not your father. I want you to know that I love you so much. Even when you misbehave, I will love you always. Even if you do terrible things, I will never stop loving you. Before the father even finished, the boy began screaming hysterically. Not true. Not true. You don't love me. You only love the baby. You hate me. You want me to die. He suddenly threw himself on the ground, banged his head on the floor again and again, wailing hysterically. But the ending was happy. This incident gave the parents a glimpse into the child's inner world. This glimpse convinced them to change their approach entirely. The positive results were not long in coming. This incident highlights a profound truth. Askot says, Any love that depends on something once that thing departs the love departs as well. And it's not only a reality it's also a feeling that the child will have even if the parent loves him. But the only expression of love is when it depends on the child's performance. Love that depends on a child's good behavior makes him live with intense anxiety. He is always afraid that he may mess up and lose the love he so desperately needs. That can cause OCD. That can cause anxiety. Can cause low self-esteem. If this goes on for so for too long, it keeps the child in a state of constant tension and stress at a level that is simply too much for him to handle. In many cases, this causes the opposite effect. The child becomes rebellious and obnoxious. He can't handle it. They want so much from me. I'm not I'm never good enough. And then he starts misbehaving. He really wants to be good. He wants to satisfy his parents because that's the only time he he sees love from them. But because of so much stress, he can't handle it. It isn't entirely clear why the child responds this way. It may be an attempt to relieve himself of the unbearable apprehension. It may be an attempt to show that he's strong and can manage without the parents emotional support. You only love me when I am good. I don't need your love. I'm not going to be good. It may be an attempt to prove to himself that his parents actually do love him unconditionally even when he misbehaves. Sometimes surprisingly people and children and even spouses will do things to test the other the spouse will do something to test the other spouse. Will they love me? Will they forgive me? Will they understand me? Will they not judge me? And children will test their parents. Will my parents still forgive me? Will my parents still love me? He acts out hoping that his parents will show him love anyway, which would ease his anxiety. Whatever the reason, the facts are clear. There is a distinct cause and effect relationship between conditional love and very negative behavior. The case described above is neither unique nor rare. In a great many cases, the child's violent and problematic behavior ceases when the parents change their approach, thus easing the child's anxiety. I accept you no matter what. Whatever grades you bring, I will love you. Of course, I'll praise you if you give me good grades, but I'll accept you and love you without any accomplishment on your side. In summary, love must be provided in a way that makes the child sense that he is loved unconditionally. Expressions of love should never be conditional on specific behavior or attributed to specific acts. Yes, you can punish the child. There might be consequences. You can be strict with the child but not take away love, not take away acceptance. They should be provided regularly and naturally with love and affection and acceptance without explanation. I love you because you're so good because no because I love you. You're very good. The only acceptable explanation would be something along the lines of mommy loves you because you are her delicious son. I simply can't not love you. You're so good. You're so cute. You're so beautiful. In conclusion, love must be expressed in generous doses as a matter of routine unconditionally, not as a reward. It may be worth adding that when there is a need, an educational need to show displeasure or to punish, that is not the time to express love because then the child will get confused. That is the only time when we officially do not express love. We do not smile. We do not hug. We do not kiss. We don't say I love you. That's the only time. But even then we are we we we refrain from positively expressing love. However, we cannot convey the opposite. We are never allowed to say I hate you. We're never allowed to say you're not a good person. You're bad. That's forbidden always. We may never allow our child to feel even for an instant and even in the most ext extreme circumstances that he is not loved. Never let a child get the message that he is not loved. Never let a child get the message that he is not a good person, that he is not a reliable person, that he's not a beautiful person, that he is not a kind person. You may be upset at his behavior, at his choices, at his actions, at his words, but not at him. Not that who he is, not that what he represents. Next time we will speak about providing too much love, pampering, how to avoid it, what it is, how to uh identify it, and at what point love becomes too much love. Thank you for listening. May we all have a year blessed with children, happiness, health, and prosperity. Thank you for listening. Have a great night.