Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 44 Love Your Children! Express Your Love to Them! 1

Good evening. We are learning about proper parenting. We are in [clears throat] the third section of the book chapter 3 page 300. First he quotes a verse in Hos. I will draw them with cords, with ropes of people, with bonds of love. And Rashi comments, I would always draw them with soft ropes, the kind a person would draw his son with, meaning with compassionate care. Hashem describes the way he treats the Jewish people. Not with ropes that you tie a ship with, a boat, not the ropes that you tie a dog with, not the rope that you tie a donkey with, but a rope that you tie a human being with. What kind of rope is this? And it [snorts] explains a with ropes of love. That means that even when you want to rebuke your child, even when you want to control them, even when you want to pull them in the right direction, you have to do it with ropes of love. Now on page 300, he says, "Expressing love is the most basic prerequisite for all. No effort." Again, it means education. No educational effort can succeed unless it is solidly based on an openly loving relationship. This is an indispensable condition with no exceptions to the rule. Number one rule in successful parenting is love. You have to love and respect your child. And um just today I spoke with um a boy who said, "Rabbi, my parents don't respect me. Do I still have to respect them?" He was almost crying and and uh when I spoke with his parents, his parents said, "How can we show him love? How can we show him respect if he's doing so much trouble? So, they're both waiting for the other one to express love because it's so difficult to to show love when the other person is not. So, they they they're both waiting for someone else to make the first step when in reality the secret is the way you treat people. That's how they treat you. So, we'll see who is going to be the strongest of them, who is going to do the right thing and express love and not wait for the other person to do it first. [snorts] This is an indispensable condition with no exceptions to the rule. No education can succeed unless it is solidly based on an openly loving relationship. If if you want to influence your child or anyone for that matter, you can only do it if you love them and they feel it. Even if you love them, but you never show it to them or you never express it clearly and they don't know about it, you will not be able to influence them positively and long term. Before addressing any educational issues, the first thing to do is ensure the existence of an openly positive emotional relationship with between the parents and the child or a teacher and a student. Whether you are a parent who needs to educate his child, you need to show love first. Or if you are a teacher and you want to teach a class, have an influence on your students, you have to first convince them that you care for them, that you love them. The subtitle of this chapter is expressions of love and affection. This is the step one in any education. You have to express love and affection. It is meant to stress the the reason we called it by this name to stress that feeling love for the child is not enough. You can't just feel it in your heart. You have to express it. It doesn't matter how deeply the parent feels and knows that he loves his child. The child may still not sense it. And if the child doesn't sense that he is loved and valued, the adult's true feelings are meaningless in the relationship and his and the adults efforts to educate the child are bound to fail. And again, often I hear from children that their parents don't love them. And I know that's not true. Parents do love their children just sometimes they are overwhelmed too busy with other things that they forget to express it. And then when I speak to the parents I hear the opposite. We love the child so much and we care for him so much. We try to help him but we don't think he loves us. The child is saying I love my parents but they don't love me. And parents are saying I love my child and he doesn't love us. And that is only because they don't express their love. Really children naturally love their parents and really parents naturally love their children. But children don't know how to express love unless they're taught. Maybe when they were young they knew but when parents didn't reciprocate when the parents were too busy then the children lost this ability they became shut down and cold and now when um parents themselves are had to live a difficult hard life. They also don't know how to express love because expressing love puts you in a vulnerable position. What if the other person doesn't accept and not to hurt ourselves? We stop expressing love and then no one knows that love exists. In order to ensure that the child does sense the feelings of love, to ensure that he is an active participant in the positive relationship, the adult must express these feelings openly and regularly. It is very important to tell your child that you love them, that you respect them. And one of the ways it is expressed is by praising the child. By smiling at the child, by spending time with the child, by taking the child's needs and feelings into account, not making fun of the child. Expressions of affection must be showered on the child to ensure the stability and durability of the emotional relationship. We might think, [snorts] "Who needs it? Why do I need to show love? It's obvious." No, it's not obvious. Just like a wife came to a rabbi complaining, "Rabbi, my husband is mistreating me. He doesn't love me." And the rabbi called the the the husband and said, "What's going on?" And the husband said, "I don't know what she wants from me." When we married, I told her, "I love you." And although it was 19 years ago, but I told her if anything changes, I will let you know. Doesn't she understand that my original statement from 19 years ago that I love her is still in force? Isn't that enough? And of course, not for a wife and not for a child is it enough to hear the words I love you once in 19 years. They need to hear it constantly. They need to hear these words daily, multiple times a day. For any relationship to uh blossom, you need to give it a lot of water, a lot of fertilizer, a lot of sunshine, and that is praise, that is respect, and that is love. We will substantiate these points as we move along. But we need to establish very very clearly right at the beginning of our discussion that when we speak of love, we are not referring to the inner feeling. Inner feeling is wonderful, but for the relationship to grow, the other party needs to know what we're feeling. Otherwise, people are concerned and they question. Maybe they don't love me. Maybe I don't matter. Maybe I don't exist for them. And they need to be reassured. An inner feeling can remain abstract and theoretical. We're speaking of a tangible relationship characterized by expressions of love and affection. And um sometimes expressing love and affection on the outside will bring love and affection inside of our heart. Respecting the person externally may help us develop the feelings of respect for that person in our heart. So for those who do have feelings of love in their heart, you have to express them. And for those who don't have feelings of love in your heart yet, express them and then you will get those feelings inside. Now the the the second uh subchapter combating the phenomenon of youth at risk. Youth at risk means that teenagers [snorts] are the most um difficult age to deal with for parents as well as it's the most difficult part of life of any human being. Being a teenager when you become independent and when you don't want to blindly follow the rules in the family when you already want to be respected and uh your opinion should be considered and very often it's not. So there is a struggle between uh independence of the child and parents still thinking that they know better. And what we find is that unlike any other group of of uh children, teenagers are uh the most at risk of dropping everything, of ruining the relationship with their parents, with leaving the house, leaving the religion because it's so difficult to live as a teenager and it's so difficult to live with a teenager. So expressions of love are a prerequisite for education in terms of both direct and indirect educ education in ter. So now we will speak about direct education and indirect first in terms of its indirect effect. We have discussed the concept of indirect kinuk influential ingredients in a child's life that exist independently and are not there for the purpose of influencing him. For example, when a person just behaves properly and his children observe the proper behavior, they will copy it. That is called indirect education. Direct education is when you look at the person and say you should do this. This is the proper thing to do for you. [snorts] A foremost example of indirect is the general atmosphere in the home. If in general people are happy around the child, he will be happy. He will learn to be happy. If in general people are appreciative of each other, the child will grow up to be appreciative of others. If in general people in child's life have fear of God, are careful in their actions, then the child will grow up with fear of God and will be careful in his actions without telling him anything just by showing him. This has a critical impact on the child. If the atmosphere at home is generally warm and loving, the child will harbor warm feelings toward all of the elements of lifestyle and practice that characterize his home. If the atmosphere at home is pleasant, the child will consider every aspect of his parents pleasant and therefore he will be more likely to incorporate everything that the parents do in his life because he associates parents with a pleasant atmosphere and he wants it, he likes it and that's the best. um environment to set up for education. A consistent atmosphere of warmth and love creates a positive association with the various ingredients of the home which in turn leads the child to internalize that lifestyle. [snorts] In contrast, when such an atmosphere is lacking in the home, the child lives with constant tension. This creates a negative association with all aspects of the home and causes the child to reject them. Which means even if the parents are doing everything right, they wake up on time, they pray, they say blessings, they learn Torah, they respect each other, but there's an general unhappiness at at home. Then the child will associate that unhappiness with everything the parents do. The child's nature natural desire to escape this burdensome tension will cause him to distance himself from anything that reminds him of home. [snorts] The same holds true for the atmosphere in any other structure which means in a school. If the atmosphere in school is positive, the child will like everything that is going to that is going on in school, he will like everything that he is taught in school. A friendly atmosphere creates comfortable familiarity whereas an unfriendly atmosphere creates distance. That is why expressions of love are the most fundamental ingredient of indirect education. Expression of love. If you express your love towards someone, they will accept everything from you because they will associate everything coming from you as loving and pleasant and good. [snorts] And by the way, that is the best um trick in how to influence people, how to make friends and influence people. And that is to love and respect them and uh they will enjoy your company so much that you don't have to convince them. Whatever you offer them, they will take. This is similar to when the Jewish people heard from Hashem that he wants to give them the Torah. The Jewish people said, "Of course we're going to do it. Of course." Why? because they were convinced of God's love for them. Since God is the best, the greatest, he is the most loving, caring creator and he's offering us something. Of course, we're going to accept it with open arms without even asking what's written in it. Why? Because we know that anything that comes from a loving person will be good for us. So that's the trick. If you show your child that you love them and then you request something, they will surely do it. Of course, this is a secret for any relationship um husband to a wife, wife to a husband. If you show love, they will be willing to compromise. They will be willing to give in. They will be willing to satisfy you. And of course, this is the the same with parents and children. When parents show love to children, children will do everything and anything that parents ask. Um, [snorts] now we are speaking about direct education. In terms of direct that is the things that we want the child to consciously accept, integrate and internalize. One of the most powerful factors in shaping a child's behavior is imitation. When a child identifies with adult figures he admires, he will naturally tend to imitate their behavior. So we want to educate our child. We want to instruct them. First we have to create an environment in which it will be easy for them to imitate. Of course, first we have to show good example and then create a loving positive atmosphere and that will inspire them to imitate us. When a child identifies with adult figures he admires, he will naturally tend to imitate their behavior. [snorts] A child will never identify with figures from whom he feels alienating and unfriendly vibes. And by the way, often parents ask, "Why is it when a stranger asks my child for something, the child is happy to do it? When I ask them for something, they're not so happy to do it. When a friend calls and asks for help, my child is running. When I ask for help, they say, "Wait." And very often when the grandmother asks for something, the grandson is happy to do it. But when the parent asks, not so much. Why? And the answer is because the stranger shows respect and love. A friend shows respect and love. A grandmother often shows respect and love by giving candy, by hugging, by buying toys. And of course, children will react to it much better than constant rebuke that parents subject them to. He will identify only with figures that maintain a regular affectionate connection with him. Expressions of love and affection are therefore [snorts] a critical prerequisite for the child to identify with the adult figures in his life. They open him up to integrating and internalizing the values which these adults represent. And we know this is also true in our history. Jewish history has been one of persecution and our enemies have tried to convince us to convert to accept their ways to drop our ways and they were not successful. Why? Because we felt the negativity. We felt the hatred. We felt that they don't have our best interests in mind. And therefore we resisted with all our mind on top of our commitment to Hashem. We had a natural help that they hate us and therefore we don't want them and we don't want to follow them. And therefore throughout thousands of years the Jewish people stayed strong and loyal to Judaism. However, this changed in the last couple hundred years when various nations in Europe opened up the the limitations. They accepted the Jewish people into colleges, into the workforce, into their neighborhoods. And that acceptance, that respect and sometimes love made the Jewish people feel comfortable and trust these um non-Jewish nations. And it it made it so much easier for the Jews to imitate the non-Jews. And here in the United States, the same thing. When the Jews left Europe, the hostile country, and came to the to the United States, all of a sudden they felt respected. They felt equal. They felt loved, admired, and they said, "Wow, you love me, then I'm going to become like you." And they intermarried, and they changed their names, and they dropped their culture. So it works in all areas of life. If you want to convince someone, first make him your friend. First, show him that you love them. And of course, we should use it to our advantage with our own children. Accept them, respect them, love them, praise them, admire them. And then your children will be willing to do everything for you [snorts] and copy you. Exactly. Okay. Now this brings us to a novel point. Expressions of love are essential not only to create closeness but also to avoid creating distance. Expressions of love are our most important tool in combating the proper problem of youth at risk. Risk of leaving proper path, risk of leaving their families, risk of leaving good life and joining a bad company. Love and the distance are two sides of the coin with no middle ground. If there is love, there will be closeness. If there is no love, even if you don't abuse your children, even if you don't disrespect your children, even if you don't put them down, even if you don't criticize them, but the ex absence of love causes distance. We are either drawing the child closer by expressing love and affection [snorts] or driving him away by not providing these expressions. >> [snorts] >> We call this a novel point because many people seem to view the phenomena of you youth at risk otherwise regarding as the root of the problem the ever growing lure of the outside world. And that is true that the outside world is so attractive. But the child would not be attracted to that if he is attracted even stronger to his own parents. The child is looking for love and if he gets that love from his family, he will stay with his family. If he gets that respect from his family, he will stay there. But if he doesn't, even if he's not abused, even if he's not criticized, but if he doesn't have the love, he will search for that love elsewhere in pleasures, in friends, in entertainment, and in drugs. But only those who are not close to the scene could possibly think that this is really the case. Which means if you look at the at the outside world, yes, it's very attractive. And you you might think that nothing can stand against the desires against the seduction against the glamour of the outside world. It is a very difficult test. However, there is something that is even stronger than the glitter of the outside world and that is love that comes from family. More than entertainment, more than physical pleasure, more than honor and uh money, a human being needs love and respect. From whom? From the ones that are the closest to him, from his parents, from his siblings, from his spouse. If he has it, he is safe. Even if once in a while he will venture into the world and will do something inappropriate but he will always come back to the family that loves him. [clears throat] close involvement with these cases where children left home, when children left Judaism and a deep familiarity with the issues that lie behind them make it clear that this understanding is both off focus and is partial at best. Which means you cannot say that the problem of teenagers doing trouble is only because of the bad company and because of the street and the Hollywood that is only partial truth and that's not um the main reason it is not properly focused because the main root of the problem is not the increased power of the street but rather The decreased power of the