Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 42 The Perfect Chinuch Plan 1

Good evening. We are continuing learning about proper parenting and we are in the book Spare the Child by Rabbi Yakovson on page 285. This is the second class in the new section on um the proper education which is called real. We spoke about control which includes uh punishment system. We spoke about how to establish par parental authority, how to make your children understand and realize that parents are the leaders in the house. And now we're speaking about the positive aspect of education. how to actually train your children to [clears throat] want to do the right thing. And that's what we um said last week that is the education is giving the child desire to do what's right even when he is not under your control. as um and we mentioned that the the the the fundamental premise of of our education is shaping who the child is in real life. not only talking about theory of life, lecturing him on uh philosophy, mathematics and religion, but rather shaping who he is in the way he interacts with others, in the way he relates to himself and in the way he um relates to God and not just providing him with knowledge and or skill. skills. So on um page 285, a fully rounded kin system includes three elements. Getting the child to do the right thing. That is the first step where we establish our authority and we control the child until he gets to um gets used to doing the right thing. be getting the child to know the right thing. After the initial step where we train the child and we tell him do this, do this, say this blessing, wash your hands like this, uh don't do this on Shabbat. We now educate him, give him the technical knowledge. This is the proper way to pronounce things. This is the proper way to wash your hands. This is the proper way to uh keep Shabbat. And these are the reasons and the details of the the 39 and the laws of kashut. And C. The third step is getting the child to want the right thing. First is getting me him used to the routine. uh putting the knowledge into his head that he should memorize and understand it and number three giving him desire to do it independently. We begin the process through two of the three. We can make the child know by teaching and explaining and we can make the child do through control. We can explain it and then the child will do or we can force him and then he will do. We can go from top to bottom. education will co will lead to doing or we can force control and then he will do. But the goal of either of these processes getting the child to do and getting the child to know is really the next step that both processes share. Getting the child to want to do the right thing. Okay. Um both processes place a common demand on the parent or teacher. Will you force the child to do it or will you educate the child and through knowledge he will do it? It is to remember very clearly the subtler but most critical goal of the process to get the child to connect to the value we are conveying internally and to want to do it. Whether at the beginning of process forcing the child getting him into the routine or at a later stage when we actually educate him about the information we have to keep in mind the ultimate goal and that is to cause the child to want the right thing. And that's what we spoke at the very beginning of this course that even when you exercise control over your child, even when you do force them to do certain things, it has to come with which means instilling the child with the desire, with a good feeling, which means praising the child afterwards, explaining to him what kind of great deed, what kind of action he did in this world and in the next world. Pumping the child up in his self-esteem, that he's a good person, that these kinds of actions be him. He is a sadic, he's good, he's righteous, and that's why he does such good uh things. And at a later stage when we educate the child by providing him with information, we have to inspire him as well about the value of life, the value of a Jew, his own value as a person and how great the mitzvot are, how great is the service of Hashem that not only he should be learning it even Though we're giving him all the reasons, but on top of it, there has to be also inspiration to create a desire. Accessing the child's body and mind is a relatively simple matter. We send him to kindergarten. We send him to elementary school and high school and college. And they take care of it. They put the information into his brain. They uh feed him, get give him exercises and his body and his brain are good. But the main thing we are aiming for is his heart. We operate then on two tracks both headed toward the same goal. We make the child perform with the goal of then getting him to internalize his action. And we teach the child with the goal of then getting him to internalize his knowledge. When the child is young, we exercise control and together with control, we have to give him inspiration, praise him and explain to him the value of what he's doing. And when he grows up and we pump him with information, we also have to pump him with inspiration and a good feeling or that what he's doing and what he's learning is very important of these two tracks. The first making the child perform and then bringing him to internalize the value of his action. uh the first is im immensely more powerful than the second one of teaching him and then getting him to internalize the lesson. As we said before, without the parents authority and without there being a system within the family or within the classroom where the child is willing to accept the authority and accept the instruction from the adult in his life, from the parent or from the teacher, they cannot be not the second and not the third step. the child will not take you seriously if you don't have authority in his eyes. And therefore the you it's very important not to miss that. As soon as the child is born and especially um in his second year of life. If you miss that it's going to be much harder for for the child himself and for the parent to establish authority. Then there will be a lot of struggle, a lot of pain, suffering on the part of the child and a lot of stress on the part of the parent. But once that authority is there, once the child respects the parent, he looks up to the parent values what the parent says, then it will be much easier to uh teach the information and much easier to expect the child to do what's good and to inspire him because you are his role model. You are his authority. He values you and he values what you say and he trusts you. And therefore we mentioned it many times it's important not to explain yourself at the beginning because explaining yourself is weaker. Rather it is more important to get the child to do it even if he doesn't understand and praise him. The the the learning part will come later when he's more mature. At the beginning if he asks questions you can answer him simply but nevertheless the main focus is on doing uh so that he understands the hierarchy in the family that he is a child and he needs to listen to the parent. Now in the first process process of control process of uh causing the child to do it the child is operating in a real tangible way. We tell him do this, wash your hands, make a blessing and he's he is uh in real world. Whereas if we sit him down and we start lecturing him, he might pay attention, might not. And even if he pays attention, it's not tangible. It's not real for him. Therefore, it's enough if we see the child connecting to what he's doing. Since his activity is already linked to real life, if we see that he enjoys or appreciates what he's doing, we know that the objective of this activity has been met. If the child enjoys Shabbat, if the child enjoys learning Torah, if the child enjoys saying blessings, if the child enjoys praying, that will be more powerful than all the lectures that we're going to sub subject him to and and all the all the um talks that we're going to give him. So if the child enjoys the practical doing then we are guaranteed that he will continue doing it in the future. But this is not necessarily true of the teaching and learning process. Here the value is not being implemented in the real world but only in theory. Therefore, even if the student is very inspired and enthusiastic about the lesson and seems to have really connected to it, it is still not enough. There are many stories where people went to seminars, went to lectures, met with people and had a very deep meaningful uh conversation and they left the seminar or the lecture or the meeting very inspired and seemingly committed to start a new um way of life. But then a day, a week, a month passed and the inspiration dissipated and the commitment wore off and nothing remained. But if right when the person is inspired, he would start doing, he would get into the routine, that would be a permanent change. Intellectual enthusiasm does not necessarily indicate that he has really integrated the value into his real life consciousness. Full integration is achieved only when the lesson becomes a part of the child's real life consciousness and only when it is clear that the integrated value will cause the child to behave accordingly. This is not an easy or a simple goal. That's why control followed by is a better approach. We should not start start with education. We should start with control developing the parents authority and then getting the child used to routine of life having order doing the right things at the right time as a Jew should. And then comes education, then comes information. In a situation where one of the two can be applied, it is better to operate with a process of control internalization rather than teaching learning internalization. As it says in that we read on Shabbat, taste and then you will see that God is good. Without tasting it, you're not going to know. What does it mean taste? Taste is something tangible. You bite into it, you you feel the texture and the the flavor and the taste. So just talking about it is not enough. You have to try keeping Shabbat. When you try keeping Shabbat and then it's enjoyable and you like it, then it's guaranteed that you will continue. If you just learn about Shabbat, even if you're inspired, it will um leave you shortly. As we mentioned above, the largest share of our Hinuk efforts today are invested in the realm of learning. That is true in the secular um arena in public schools and in colleges they only focusing on learning. In the olden days in back in Russia there was control also there was authority also. But here in America there is no control. There's only nice explanations, nice education, information and then you do whatever you want. And of course the easiest thing to do is to throw everything away and forget about everything. And unfortunately it is mostly the same in yeshiva because uh school is not real life situation. School is um only only theoretical arena. We can only speak about the real world but we don't live the real world in school. So uh a child's home is the place for proper control and and uh authority and living real life practicing the mitzvot and practicing good character traits. And by the way, that is why it is much harder for children to act nicely with their siblings than with their classmates. Because in the classroom, the environment is artificial. It is at home when they have to share their toys, when they have to share their food, when they have to share the bathroom. That is when they have to actually show who they are. Are they kind? Are they compassionate? Are they patient? It is therefore vital to remember that only when the lessons have been brought into the realm of practice has the process been properly completed. Our sages teach in the learning is not the main thing but the practice because learning is quickly forgotten. It is the practice that um creates a habit and the habit stays with with you much longer. And another statement in gamarak dushin learning is great since it brings one to practice. What is the goal of learning the practice? Now the note on the bottom says we add this quote to preclude the very misguided perception that intense learning is not an essential part of this process. In order to practice properly, you need to have the information. You need to have the tools. And that takes a lot of time, a lot of effort. You have to work very hard to understand the proper meaning of verses in the Torah, the proper meaning of the proper meaning of gam. You have to sweat over it. You have to think so hard that your head starts hurting from so much concentration for hours and hours. This intense learning is what's going to bring you to practice. Without learning, there's no practice either. But the goal of learning is practice. So some people take the learning lightly. However, our sages say an ignorant person cannot be pious. You cannot be righteous if you don't know anything. You might want to do good things, but you don't know what good things are and what the details of good things are. Actions without learning behind them will be just mechanical. I'm doing it, but I don't know why and I don't know the details. So, I'm generalizing and whenever I have a doubt, I'll be strict. I don't really know what I'm doing. When sages say that not the learning but the practice is the main thing, the intent is only that the value of the learning is realized when it culminates in practice. As Rabbi Desler in uh Strive for Truth writes that any belief that you're not willing to live by is not a belief. You can only say that I believe in something if I'm willing to do it in real life. And therefore you may learn everything and proclaim yes I know and I believe but unless you start doing it means zero. But the practice definitely cannot stand on its own. It is the learning that integrates these values into our personalities. For purposes, this means that the measure of a lesson's success depends on the extent to which it is expressed in practice. You may speak to your children and they seem to understand and accept, but that's not the time to rejoice. You may be a teacher and the the students are sitting with open mouths and they are so interested but it's not time yet to rejoice. You will rejoice when you see that on a lunch break or on the street they practice what you preached with their friends. They choose what's right and they remember what you taught them. Here's an example of how a lesson was connected to real life and thereby led to true internalization. Now we have a quote of a very important um example story. Yesterday something amazing happened to me. I decided to write to you about it immediately hoping that you will find it worth publicizing. In order to explain the incident, I have to back up a bit and tell you about my experiences from almost 10 years ago. I was in 8th grade. I was doing very well scholastically, but in terms of my behavior, personality, and personally and spiritually, I was in quite a low place. I especially hated halaka classes, Jewish law. I hated the rabbis who taught halaka. And I made a point of not observing what we had learned in these classes. Imagine this. He learned it. He passed the tests, but he went out of his way not to do it on purpose. But in 8th grade, we had a very special Rebi. He was an upbeat and goodnatured person with a great sense of humor. All the kids loved him and even I had a hard time hating him. But my behavior didn't change. I refuse to keep halaka almost on principle. The first thing we learned was the laws of natilat washing hands before eating bread or when you wake up in the morning. My reb's exuberant nature was contagious and even I was swept up in his enthusiasm for the subject. As time went on, my hostility toward halaka waned, decreased. The biggest sign of the positive changes coming over me was the fact that every so often when our rebi got us especially excited about we were studying I would decide that I wanted to do it. Now that is a very important point. A child should feel that he is deciding to do what's right. Because if he feels he's doing it just because we force him, then he's not going to train his muscles of decision- making. He's not going to know how to choose what's right. And therefore after educating him and inspiring him we should wait and see will he choose to do what's right. We have to be patient give him time and children do take time because they want to feel that they chose it because once they choose it a pathway is created in the brain. This is who I am. This is my choice and it stays with them forever. But it never really got past the realm of theory. I would get all excited in class and then right afterwards I would forget about it and fall right back into my old ways. A few weeks after we finished learning these alot, we had a trip up north. We stopped in Miron. We're talking about the land of Israel to pray and eat. As we stood in line to wash, our driver, also observant, but a very simple man, step stepped up to the sink first. Apparently, our Rebe wasn't impressed with the way he washed. As he was about to wipe his hands and make the bara, our put a hand on his arm and said with a charming smile, "Wait a minute. Don't make the baraka yet." The driver looked at him in surprise. We did too. Still with his trademark earto- ear smile, the Rebby said, "You are a very professional driver. We really love traveling with you. Since I personally feel so grateful, I'll make you an offer. How would you like to also be a professional washer?" The driver looked confused. What do you mean a professional washer? A professional washer is someone who washes like Babasali. This uh man was from Nativot where Babasali lived and he respected Babasali a lot. It's a person from whom anybody who sees him wash can learn all kinds of What do you think? How would you like to wash at the level of Babasali? A great tali. The driver shrugged. I don't know. Okay, I guess. Let's see what it's about. The rabbi kept talking. I'm not going to be the one to teach you. I've got someone else, a boy who isn't even bar mitzvah yet. But believe it or not, he's a real professional. Would you believe that a kid who isn't even a bar mitzvah could be a professional? The next thing I knew, I heard the Rebi loudly proclaiming my name. I was so surprised that I just stood there not quite sure what to do. But the Rebi called me over and other boys started nudging me with their elbows. I hesitantly hesitantly approached the sink. The Rebi handed me the cup and said, "Show him how it's done." I took it in my right hand. I checked to make sure it was intact. We have to make sure the utensil is complete. There are no cracks and no holes in it and no chips. I was surprised that I even remembered to check it. But I was even more surprised that I had the confidence to explain very clearly what I was doing. But that moment as I stood in front of my friends showing this driver how a professional washes affected me in a way that I can't describe or explain. It was as if I became a different person in a single moment. That's not the end. When we were back on the road, the driver called me over. He had me sit on the special seat where the tour guide usually sits and asked me to review the halot with him. I was a certified washing instructor for adults. And that's still not the end. A week later, before washing at the Friday night meal, my father called over my mother and my two brothers and told him that the driver who prayed in our synagogue told him that I had taught him how to wash professionally. He asked me to show them all what that means. So, I stood there and gave my whole family a demo professional washing. I still don't know if my Rebby realized that I actually wasn't meticulous about washing correctly [snorts] and devised the whole scheme. Did he coordinated with the driver? Was the driver's talk with my father's also coordinated or was it all just orchestrated from above? It really doesn't matter. What matters is the effect it had on me. And that really hit me yesterday. Last night, my new wife, now this is 10 years later, my new wife and I sat down for our first dinner at home. When I began washing, I greened without realizing it. My wife noticed. "What are you smiling about?" she asked. My green broadened because I am a professional washer. I put the cup down and sat down to tell her the whole story. And that's when I decided to write this special story to you too. It suddenly hit me that for 10 years I have been washing very meticulously and very happily because I am a