Rabbi Binyamin Yuhanan Parenting Class 41 What is the goal of Parenting 2

could not uh teach their children either because they didn't possess the knowledge or because they were just not physically there. It could be that father passed away or was was uh killed in war. There were many orphans at that time. the rabbis um instituted that for those that don't have parents who can teach them, we will create a yeshiva. And they created as a substitute, as a second best, not the best, the second best, a yeshiva for poor kids, for kids from families that are not educated and and and for kids who are orphans. So the yeshiva is um a substitute, an alternative, a second best alternative to what it's really supposed to be. As it says in in Schma in in um and you should teach the Torah to your children. It doesn't say you should teach the Torah to your students, but rather you should teach the Torah to your children because the main teacher in a child's life should be his father and his mother. That is the best. This mistake is very widespread. Many people think that the problem with the school system is that it engages mainly in theoretical academics rather than in real life instruction and guidance. It may be true, but that's not the main reason. In reality, the real reason is that the school system does not fill the need because it cannot fill the need to begin with. It was created as a substitute when the real thing is not available. And um unfortunately even among um best schools not every teacher is on the same level. You might have nine out of 10 teachers and rabbim the best but you might have one that is not the best and you're taking this risk. Whereas if you take the main educational responsibility in your hands, then you can make sure that no matter what happens outside of the home, the child will still be strong. Even if one year the teacher is not the best, the rebi is not the best, the motor is not the best, friends are not the best, principal is not the best, it's not the end of the world. The child will still feel secure, will still have positive influence from his home, which is the main positive influence. School is not the natural realm of real life. Even if [snorts] the school system would place its main focus on real life lessons, it would still not suffice to achieve our hinuk goals and get the child to implement these lessons in his day-to-day life. The following quote shows how even very real life instruction directly addressing practical behavior remains far removed from real life and [snorts] it was not because the teaching was not done right. This was a case of a very capable teacher who did a fine job teaching the lesson and the girl involved was a highly successful student [snorts] who learned the lesson well in the academic sense. But although the educational process was the best it could be, it did not connect with real life. That is because the educational structure is simply not a real life setting and does not naturally connect to real life. Again, it's only talking about real life, but it's not living real life. On page 280, we quote a long um letter. After teaching in high school for many years, I retired and went into counseling. One day a former student of mine came for counseling. [snorts] This woman had specifically looked me up since we had had a wonderful relationship. He had fond memory she had find fond memories of my class and I remembered her as an excellent student and a very pleasant and easygoing person. When we began discussing the difficulties she was experiencing, I had a strange feeling. The issue she needed help with was was something I had dedicated a lot of time to in class as a teacher. I was even more confused when I remembered that this very girl had submitted an excellent project on the subject. She should have been thoroughly familiar with the issue, but she spoke about it as though she had never heard of the concept and was encountering it now for the very first time. This was so strange that at first I thought that she was kidding or trying to lead me on in some way. But as the discussion continued, I realized that she was expressing herself innocently and sincerely. Once I realized that, I decided to completely disregard any premises from the past and discussed the issue from scratch. I introduced some basics, explained some principles and suggested some practical ideas. We concluded setting up a schedule for further sessions. Our sessions were very successful and after [clears throat] about 2 and 1/2 months, we felt that we could sum things up and conclude. At our last session, I prepared a surprise for her, but she preempted me with a surprise of her own. "I have a question for you," she said. "It's been bothering me since we began. [snorts] Why did you never teach this in school? It's such a critical subject, and you have so much to offer. Why did I have to suffer with it in real life in order to discover all of this? Instead of answering, I pulled out my own surprise, the project she had done on this very subject. I handed it to her and said, "And this is what I wanted to ask you." She looked through the papers, shaking her head in confusion. Finally, she looked up and said, "I don't know what to say. This is shocking." I didn't know what to say either. I was also shocked. But I had learned something important. The fundamental rule that learning must be internalized and put into practice is also a rule that must be internalized and put into practice. This report illustrates that the educational system by nature is disconnected from real life. Even when the subject is very relevant and practical, most of the students will not naturally translate it into real life. Material that a student learns, including guidance on how to live and behave, remains in the realm of academic knowledge. It isn't much more than material that has to be mastered and memorized for exams. The student summarizes lessons about the importance of good character traits and the fact that Australia is a continent in the same compartment in her mind. It might have been well taught and well understood but there is no guarantee that it will be internalized in the students personality and integrated as a part of her natural behavior. Now this reminds me of um therapy that I do as well. Often um patients come and after the therapy they tell me rabbi this is uh very strange. Everything you said I know already. How come I can't say this to myself? How come you giving me advice that I know but until I came to you I couldn't use this advice? And the answer is because we learned all the good things and it remained in our mind deep inside our subconscious mind. We did not learn how to access it and we did not learn how to command our behavior using that knowledge. Yes, I know the knowledge because I needed it for passing the class, for getting a good grade. for sounding intelligent in class, having a discussion with my uh friends, impressing my future spouse, but it's not for uh practical use. Practical use, I'll just go out into the world and I'll just figure it out. It's only when we get into trouble and we have a real life problem that we try to figure it out and we can't because our knowledge is disconnected with real from reality. This is not a new point at all. Um, as um, Torah tells us in in Devarim, Moshe said to the Jewish people, "Apply your hearts to everything that I am attesting today." Pay attention and apply your hearts to whatever I'm teaching you today. It's not enough just to learn it and to read it. That is why so many self-help books, so many um articles remain just text books. They remain as text but not real life. You have to apply your heart. You have to bring it into your heart, into your personality. And the shem is explains, "Do not suffice with just knowing it. As Hashem said to ye, son of man, see with your eyes and hear with your ears and apply to your heart to everything that I am showing you, we see that even after seeing and hearing, if the person does not apply the lessons to his heart, they are worthless." Also, we say in the Torah, you should know today and you shall apply it to your heart because just knowing is not enough. Again and again, Torah and the prophets are telling us after you learn, you have to internalize it and you have to put it into practice. You have to learn how to take the knowledge and use your mind to command that knowledge into action. We're on page 282. This source shows that even an adult who personally saw and heard the instruction with the full intention of fulfilling it must still in invest efforts to internalize the lesson. Isn't it obvious that much more effort is required to cause an immature child to internalize things which he did not choose to learn but but which we make him learn. Even an adult who knows the value of knowledge after learning the knowledge it will not be used. And certainly what can you expect from a child who does not want to learn and you force him to learn, you force him to memorize, but he doesn't want it. Of course, he's going to be he's going to keep the knowledge as far as possible from his heart cuz that's not what he is interested in. Of course, the educational system, be it elementary school, high school, and so on, can and must contribute to the process of helping the child internalize the things he learns. Of course, we want the yeshiva to participate. We want the yeshiva to be good. We want the teachers and the rabbim to be good. But our point is that putting too much stress on the educational system can sidetrack our focus from the main goal of hinuk practice in real life and even cause it to become neglected or forgotten. The above case illustrates the gap between knowledge and internalization. The student had learned the subject well. She had even conveyed it excellently in her project. Yet when the material became relevant to her life, she didn't remember at all. Not even the fact that she had ever learned it. However, when she learned that very subject in a practical con context, when she herself faced the problem and tried to resolve it and couldn't figure it out, couldn't bring the knowledge down and she turned for instruction. And when she heard the instruction, she had a practical application. The knowledge had the desired effect. The following quote shows the other side of the coin, the effect of knowledge that is learned through the concrete experience of real life. This description shows the impressive impact of what was essentially a very unsophisticated educational process, but one that direct directly shaped real life behavior. By the way, I would say just say that following a a rabbi or a teacher in real life is more important than sitting in class and learning the material. H of course you need both. But someone who just sat in class and learned and got good grades is not allowed to uh teach. He's not allowed to rule uh Jewish law matters until he first practiced apprentichip next to the rabbi in real life. Yes, he learned everything and he got all A's, but until he sits next to the rabbi, when the rabbi is answering the questions that people present to him using the knowledge that that the was just taught, the student cannot apply this knowledge in his life. He must follow the rabbi everywhere and observe his behavior and only then he can um be allowed to practice it in and and and teach others. Uh so again we have a a long note a long um quotation. Let's see if we can finish it today. A lecturer in a social works school held a discussion about the religious community in Israel. The discussion both in terms of the lecturers's approach and the students input took on the expected negative and condescending tones. people including New York State like to put down education in yeshiva because that's a natural um human response that I want to feel good about myself and what I do and since I am different and I went through different school and I represent a different school system I want to make sure that all other school systems and all other ways of life are not as good as mine because I need to feel good about myself. And then of course uh even if the other system is better, I [snorts] will not notice it because I will only look for faults. So one student found the nature of the discussion highly offensive. He rose, asked for the floor and said, "I grew up in a traditional home with very compromised religious standards. Traditional means they keep the the customs, the cultural aspect of Judaism, but they don't keep um Jewish law in all their details. At home, we kept a minimal level of kashut, but outside the house, we ate whatever we wanted and also basically did whatever we wanted. For the most part, we had exactly the same lifestyle as our secular neighbors. But we never drove on Shabbat. When my friends drove to the beach on Shabbat, my father never allowed me to join them. When I had asked why they could and I couldn't, he would answer matter of factly because they are secular and we are traditional. He didn't say that there was anything wrong with the irreligious people who drive on Shabbat. He just stated the reality. We are people who don't drive on Shabbat. Period. That's who we are for no reason. [snorts] When I entered the army, I excelled from day one. I aspired to a military career and I gave it my all. But when I was ordered for the first time to drive unnecessarily on Shabbat, I just couldn't do it. I wanted to. I tried to will myself to do it, but I just couldn't. I ended up refusing the order. That put an end to my dream of a military career. Why couldn't I drive on Shabbat? Contrary to what you'd like to believe, my parents never threatened me with horrific punishments of ginam of hell or anything like that. They never brainwashed me. In fact, they hardly spoke about religion at all. The one thing I knew was that I am a traditional Jew and a traditional Jew doesn't drive on Shabbat. Even at the time when I was ordered to drive in the army, I wasn't busy thinking that if I drove I would conflict with my identity or some such thing. On the contrary, my thoughts were mainly focused on overcoming my instinctive feelings and just driving. [snorts] But I couldn't do it for me. Driving on Shabbat conflicted with reality. In reality, in my reality, there was no such thing. It was plain impossible. is the same as anyone of you not being capable I hope of stabbing someone even if he makes you mad enough to explode. There are others who can do it and who do do it but that's because they live in a different reality from yours. In their reality it is possible. Picture three people losing control. One bangs his head against the wall while crying hysterically. Another roars in ter in a terrible rage and the third pulls out a knife. The difference between them is not how upset they are. All three lost control. Why do they react differently? It's because of the different realities they live in. Let me tell you based on both my own experience and my familiarity with the religious community in Israel that your perspective on the the religious um people is very off. These people were not brainwashed nor were they raised in an atmosphere of fear and horrible threats. These are people who live in a reality where it is simply impossible to transgress God's will. And [snorts] it is similarly a very clear part of their reality that God's will is expressed in the Torah. If a religious man sins, it is not because they didn't manage to brainwashed him against the sin. [snorts] Usually, it is not because of some pathological urge either. is because somehow that particular act has not yet become a part of his reality as something that is against God's will. He may know it. He may have learned it, but it still hasn't really connected with his sense of reality. That's the only true explanation. All of your other explanations are just your biases, prejudices, and imaginations. They have no connection to reality, not to yours, and certainly not theirs. And this is similar to a person who reads um papers, research papers about danger of smoking. um he knows the statistics of how many people die from um drug overdoses and he still chooses to smoke and he still chooses to use recreational drugs. Why? And that's because it did not yet become reality for him. It did not yet hit him. He may know it. He may have learned it. But it still hasn't really become part of his reality. This is the key sentence. It captures the point that a person's behavior is not determined by his knowledge or academic achievement. It is determined only by the extent to which his knowledge, his hashkafa, his outlook on life and his amuna, his belief in God have connected to his real life to the tangible reality with which he lives each day. This therefore is the goal of our educational process. Not only to provide information but primarily to lead the child to internalize this knowledge and integrate it into his reality. So much so that we should not even be worried for our children. What are they going to do? We should be confident that when we send our children to the world, to the street, to friends, we should be confident. I'm sure my child will do everything correctly. Our goal is not the child's mind, but the child's personality, his inner world, his his experience of life, his desires, and his aspirations. The understanding that hinuk is about internalization was discussed earlier in the book. The two discussions are about the same principle but they are not the same. Above we discussed the need to get the child to internalize the things we make him do meaning the control which must then be followed within with education. Our subject here though similar is about getting the child to internalize the things that we teach him. Not the control but internalizing the education. And we'll read the last paragraph. A full rounded system includes three elements. Number one, getting the child to do the right thing that we call control. Number two, getting the child to know the right thing. That's the first step of education, giving the instruction, giving him the knowledge. And number three, getting the child to want the right thing. after he was forced to do it and then taught how to do it. Now he wants to do it himself independently. We begin the process through two of the three. We can make the child know by teaching and explaining and we can make the child do through control. But the goal of either of these processes, getting the child to do and getting the child to know is really the next step that both processes share. Getting the child to want the right thing. This is the description of what education is, what parenting is. We want to raise a child that wants to do the right thing. And Bazat Hashem, that's what we are going to discuss for the remainder of this book. Uh thank you for joining us. Have a great night and Shabbat shalom.