Parenting & Shalom Bayit Panel 2026

Everybody, I'm going to stand just up on this little stage. Welcome everybody to Big to Kazak to EMTT to Queens Shab. I know a lot of you can be doing something different on the Saturday night, but you guys have all spent a very very special time to invest in your relationships in your relationship with each other with Hashem. Um, and before we begin, in light of what's happening in the world, we're going to ask everybody to please stand up or we're going to say hello. I'm going to ask to please lead us. >> Chapter 121. If you have it on your phones, you can quickly open it up. >> Yeah, you're okay. >> You're good. I never hallelujah. Your mama. Kuameid 130. Hallelujah. of the door. The old Thank you so much. If everybody could please have a seat, we will begin our program. So, I'm very proud somebody for those of you who don't know me, my name is Shy. I don't normally moderate these types of events, but I'm very honored to do so today. I'm also honored to be part of the EMT family. I'm also part of the Kazak family and the big Gabriel family. Um you know when Emma does a lot of wonderful work in the community as does Kazak and it's a very very wonderful proud day when we get to do events together and so it really is very fantastic that Kazak and EMTT come together to do such an event. This is not the first time we've had this event. I think this is our fourth or fifth rabbi and really is very fantastic at the show. We should continue to do more and more of them for the community. >> So appro >> and very very appropriate to do make it real because we both started here in Balash. >> Oh wow. >> So really kudos to every single one of you who came out here tonight and um there are index cards going around if anybody wants to ask questions anonymously. I have them in piles here. Some people already submitted questions in advance. So the way this is going to work is that I'm going to read a question. I'm going to pick a professional here whether it be a rabbi or a um or a social worker. We do have both of you here. We happen I will give a short introduction and we're going to give each person approximately two minutes to answer the question. We're not going to cut anybody off. Hopefully everybody will stick to 2 minutes. Um and we're going to the questions will be asked to one professional and possibly two and we're going to keep keep it to that just so we can keep it moving forward. Ask to continue to go through as many questions as possible. Um so we'll start over here. We'll start all the way at the end. We have rever who is the director of Kazak and of course who runs his own minion here in Briel. Short introduction is that okay? We have reverb Rafal Ripikov who runs his community in the safari congregation of Huland also he was very involved with the katan is also as well here from Briel in Queens. Then we have our CEO of Ahmed Rabbi Akiba Rutenberg um who also is a social worker and sees people uh professionally. So he does also have a social worker background and introducing for those of you who don't know Mr. Nissan Boore who's a licensed family therapist uh who sees people within the community. He's here on um in Main Street. Uh he's come to many of our events and show we're very excited to present such a wonderful dream team. So please give a round of applause. Okay, we're going to start with a very easy question. the first question here and I'm gonna >> Is that asking me to move? No problem. >> Just like that. So, perfect. >> You were blocking my wife's view of >> Sorry. Sorry. Perfect. Okay. Thank you. First question and this question is going to go to Rabi. >> Raba, you ready? How can couples navigate differences in religious observance or values? Two minute timer. starter good tougher than my wife. One second. Okay. When it comes to religious observance, how do you navigate differences between the husband and wife? You know, I'll tell you guys one thing. Um, one of the most important things in marriage is proper balance. You got to have the proper balance. And there's sometimes that people try to impose their religious observance on their wife, especially if you got married and you weren't so religious. You come along and you're growing and she's not growing or vice versa. So it's very important that you have a proper balance and you have to know what's a what's a what's an obligation. There's certain things where you're able to maybe compromise on. There's certain things you cannot compromise on. Best part of having a relationship is having the understanding that certain things are important that you must do and certain things maybe you could uh you can maybe quote unquote turn a blind eye. Obviously the best thing is to always have a r in the middle to guide you with these things. Never use a religion as a weapon against each other. It causes tremendous and other things along those lines. So uh definitely if you have the proper balance that is the most important thing I will add when someone is keeping to you know to try to demean him or belittle him or her that's the worst thing you could do someone found the truth they're understanding you got to try to understand them and work with them to try to reach his or her own level. So definitely having a rub in the middle or rabbits in the middle can help you uh find the proper balance. >> Okay. Beautiful. Thank you so much. Okay, if you can hold on to the mic and we'll take the next question. The next question is, what are some strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy during a periods of separation such as nat? >> Say it again. >> Repeat the question. What are some strategies for maintaining emotional intimacy, emotional, not physical, during periods of separation such as mid? >> Okay. emotional intimacy during the times of need. What I see a lot of times with the couples is that uh during the time of need is a very um frustrating time, very pressurized time. Um especially for the men. Uh men are hotwired a certain way. Uh physicality is a very big thing for them. It depends where they come from. They're created from the earth and therefore men are very into the physicality aspect of the physical body. We love to eat, we love to sleep, we love to drink, we love the pleasures of the flesh and things like that. And uh when a man cannot have certain things, it makes life a little bit difficult and uh frustrating. Uh but at the same time, it's an opportunity for the couple to grow on a different level altogether. Not just the physicality aspect of married life, but at the same time to have other ways of showing each other how much you do love each other. Again, not on the physical level. Going back to the dating period, we'll say when uh good boy and a girl are not supposed to be physical. You can have a great time, you can go out, you can have fun, you can eat, you can have uh conversations and have way and opportunity of connecting with each other on that on that level and it's possible. So, Hashem set up the system in a way where there is a separation in husband and wife because otherwise if it's just physicality and all that's all about after a while it becomes bland. It becomes boring. It becomes stale. There's what's called the the the seveny year, the five year age, the the the two-year age. You know, you look at your wife and you look at that uh movie star, you look at your wife and you look at that the model, look at your wife, look at that actress, you look at the, you know, like I don't want that anymore. I want the latest model. I want the younger girl. I want the better figure and things like that. In a way, when you have the opportunity to have again the balance, physical is physical. Enjoy it at the right time. But the time when you cannot be physical, you have the opportunity of growing with each other on the non-physical way. and Hashem set up the system that way for the marriage to last for a longer period of time because of that. >> We do have a request more would like to add to that. >> I would mention that emotional intimacy during the time of Nida is the same as emotional intimacy during the time that you could be together physically. And the time to develop emotional intimacy is always. And if during the time of physicality, you're also focused on emotional intimacy, then you have what left in your relationship on the other side. That was great. It was great. Thank you both of you. Thank you. Really great answer from each of you. Okay, moving on to Rabbi Rudenberg. Can you please tell us what are some practical tips for prioritizing quality time as a couple amidst our very hectic parenting parental responsibilities? >> Shabbat everyone. >> Thank you Shai. Um, our thoughts and prayers go out to our brothers and sisters in Israel and our Israel. And I just want to say that I think it's one of the greatest things we can do as parents, as spouses, is to work on our relationships. And it's one of the greatest things we can do not just for our own self, for our own, for our spouse that we love, for our kids, but for the Jewish people. So, I just want to put that out there that um probably the greatest thing you can do for the Jewish people is to be here tonight to answer the question. Um how do we prioritize what was the question again? >> How do you prioritize time for each other amidst our parental responsibilities? Yes. >> So I think first first and foremost um it has to do with being intentional. Um it's not going to happen by itself. You know there's a there's a famous idea from Steven Kovi and others that talk about the four quadrants and quadrant two is things that are important but not urgent and spending time with our spouse, spending time with our kids, prioritizing those things often don't feel urgent because they're not really urgent until they become urgent and then it's a problem. But really they're the most important things in our life. Those are the things that we think about at our deathbed. Those are the things that we think about when you know all the stuff we chased have no meaning at all. So the the only the only approach is to be intentional because without being intentional the way our society is is set up today we're doomed. So this the bad news. The bad news is that if you're not intentional unless you're living in a cave somewhere you're doomed. But if you are intentional, you could have literally rockets falling on you and you can make sure that your spouse feels special. So there's a lot of different practical advice that one could give. But I think first and foremost, you have to have a plan. If you just allow the day, the schedule, the week, Shabbat is coming and then another week comes and another week comes and it's like, "Oh sh I didn't the it it doesn't work." You know, I'll give one little tip that I try to do myself, and I've suggested this to a lot of uh couples. When you go on a date with your spouse, which you should try to do as often as possible, and a date doesn't have to be the fanciest thing. It could just be spending time together. Try to leave your phones in the car. If you do have to bring a phone into the restaurant or whatever it is, the spouse who's less addicted to their phone gets to bring their phone in. Okay? And preferably puts the phone totally away. And you will see by not bringing the phone in, the amount of connection that you have will go way up. And the same thing is true. >> Disagree who's less addicted. >> You need a mahal to figure out who's >> so usually people know. And the the the other the The the other thing you can do is you can do the same thing when you get home from work. You can have a space in your in your apartment, in your house. I suggest making it a nice cozy spot because these things are very important to us. Okay? And and put your phone off. It has to be on silent. Preferably even shut it off. It's legal in 48 states to shut off your phone. Shut off your phone. Put it in that spot and make a ritual. And this is what being intentional means. Oh, daddy's home. The phone goes on the shelf for the first hour, let's say. It'll feel forced at first, but trust me, you won't regret it. >> Beautiful. Beautiful. Okay, the next question will be for Lisa. What's the most effective way to express disagreement in a relationship without escalating to conflict? Expressing disagreement in a relationship without escalating the conflict >> the most is not necessarily something I could testify to. But in expressing disagreement in conflict um very often we play a very silly game. It's a game that is referred to as find the bad guy. And uh you're the bad guy because I had a really hard day. And you're the bad guy because I worked really hard. and you're the bad guy because you don't understand how hard it is to be home. You think I do nothing all day. And that conversation can go on and on forever because I promise you that in some ways you're both the bad guy and in some ways neither of you are the bad guy. Instead of this find the bad guy game, which has many different ways that it manifests, um, we could do something a little scary. The word vulnerable is the word that I keep thinking of saying. It's a little hard to say. When I came home, I felt lonely because you didn't look at me right away. It makes me feel little and small and insignificant because it's true and it's not so attractive about ourselves that we have these vulnerable aspects of ourselves. But if we can find what's really going on, what's really making us uncomfortable and we actually say that out loud, it's really hard for our spouse to yell at us. Uh, imagine you walk in the door as a husband and you've had a really long day and you sacrificed for your family and you made money and brought it home and even davin cuz your wife said you haven't been to Schul in a while. Don't recommend saying that but and you came in and you're ready for that big smile and your wife is overwhelmed and you say seriously AFTER EVERYTHING I DO for you and in that moment obviously what's going to happen is not what you wanted. Oh, you're right. You're right. You're right. I forgot for a moment everything you do for me, so let me just remember it all and appreciate you and smile at you. That's that's not what happens, right? What happens is we get told all the things that they're doing and all the ways that we're not appreciative and you didn't even remember my this and my birthday and 15 years ago and now all of a sudden we're back. We don't even know how we got here and we all leave angry and it doesn't go anywhere. But instead, if we start the conversation with what's actually happening for us, I'm upset. I'm overwhelmed. I'm feeling lonely. you know you're doing it right if it makes you uncomfortable. If you're saying something that you don't want to say out loud, you're probably saying the right thing. So, a really good way just to say it simply now that I've given a little bit of background, a really great way to have conversations that don't escalate to conflict is by talking about the real issue. And the real issue is not about your partner. This is very important. Oh, the real issue is she never he never. Nope. Nope. Nope. Stop. The real issue is about you and it's uncomfortable. If it's not about you and it's not uncomfortable, I think always if someone has a an example that it's not true for, let me know. But if it's not about you and it's not uncomfortable, you haven't said the real thing. And uh I think trying to focus on that when communicating will avoid escalating conflict. >> Thank you so much. >> Okay, the next question gets a little bit uh more exciting. What's the best way to set up boundaries with in-laws while maintaining a healthy relationship with them? I think we'll get after I'll say the question again. What's the best way to set boundaries with in-laws while maintaining a healthy relationship? >> You know, so Victor Miller actually writes that if you would have ten commandments in marriage life, ten commandments, what would number one be? Give me a guess. Honor your >> honor your in-laws. He actually writes that you should never ever ever ever get your in-laws involved with your problems. >> You know, when you get married, your parents are what? 45, 50, 60 years old. Your in-laws are also that age. They have so much stress in their lives. There's no reason for them to be the ones that are dealing with your financial problems, with your shaman problems, with your children problems. That's why you have, you know, rabbis, mentors to help you out with, friends that can help you out with that. So you want to have the first boundary is don't get them involved with your problems. You know the joke they say is if you get your mother-in-law into your house too much she'll eventually occupy the house then she creates a partite problems. So you want to bring them in for good things and even if you don't necessarily always agree with them it's your father your mother your father and mother you got to always have some sort of relationship. Yes there have to be boundaries. I would say the best boundary is problem stay at home. You get invited to the house of Shabbat and you got to fight with your with your wife or your husband beforehand. Doesn't have to say on your forehead. I just fought with my spouse cuz then your mother start saying what happened. He's still here. Okay. Let him go to ask you afterwards. No. Why does she have to know? Why does any have to know? This is something between you and her, between you and him. And therefore, I think the boundary is give them give him good news and keep all the trouble amongst these four professionals the first time here. I guess people could start going to him from now on. Uh we'll hand out his phone number afterwards. And uh and let your parents and in-laws only hear. >> Okay. River, please. >> Uh two cents. Um I think the biggest issue that the in-laws have is feeling sometimes that they're entitled to interfere in your life, especially if they're helping financially, if you're living in their house. and the other way so they feel they have the opportunity and the right to um say whatever they have to say. So it's very important for number one the couple to be on the same page to understand like Raillan said that uh keep the parents and in-laws out of the picture. Any questions you have has to be dealt with with a neutral third party the rabbis the rebbitson the therapists that are able to give you an unbiased type of solution or advice on how to deal with situations leaving the parents out of it. As Railan said as well they should only hear good things wonderful things and that's what they should be there for. A lot of times when um the parents get nosy and they start asking questions, you don't have to answer every single question with the details that they're asking about. A lot of times it just puts the spouse or the other person a very bad light and then you look at them very differently afterwards and they start asking questions what's going on. Uh so leave them out of the picture. It's very important for couples to understand it that they have to be on the same page and the spouse whether it's the husband and the wife have to back up the other person. Okay? Especially the wife in the Bkharian community where she doesn't really have a stay with the in-laws. Okay. Very dangerous. Um because if they're disrespected by her, you're as a husband will never hear the end of it. Okay. So, it's very important for her to understand that her role. But at the same time, it means that the guy the husband has to be able to stick up for his wife to his parents. Okay. Although we have the rule of it should always be done with respect. You have to respect him no matter what. But you have to make sure your wife knows that you have her back because she cannot answer on her behalf. And I deal with a lot of couples where early on in the marriage the son felt his parents were god whatever they said went whatever they said rules and that's the end of it and the wife was a schmate I have to say this and she suffered traumatic tremendously because of the trauma she had from her in-laws it becomes a problem down the road in in life. So it's important for the husband to be able to stand up to the parents because he knows how to talk to his parents. He knows how to answer them. He knows how to talk to them. you know, I tell him certain things to back off and he's the one who should set the boundaries with his parents and sometimes the wife has to set the boundaries with her parents because again there are the children so they know how to talk to them. It's very important and husband and wife should understand it that they have to make each other priority number one. Number one okay I think I this last time a long time ago is an important rule even says that the wife has to respect her husband's parents because by respecting her husband's parents she respects him. So if the mother calls and invites you over for Shabbat, the son should be a good guy and say, you know what, let me ask my wife. But if the wife says, I want to stay home, but the mother says, I want to come over, what do you do? So what the rule is is that your wife trumps over your parents. But the question is why? Because if you think about it, what's the reason that we have? Why do we have respect our parents? is because of we owe them plenty. They raised us. They gave birth to us. They sheltered us. They fed us. We are where we are today because of everything they've done for us. But that obligation begins when when you're born because they give you the physical body. But the connection with your wife, the connection with your spouse begins when? Before your parents. One is shama up in heaven divide up into two. And now you come to the world in order to get married and connect the bodies together. But in the shama wise on a deeper level, on an older level, you're connected to your spouse. So therefore, the spouse comes first and you have to understand that and there's nothing wrong against with the whole thing. Again, everything done with respect, but at the end of the day, the spouse should understand that they're number one for each other. Thank you so much, we have a lot of questions coming. Feel free to come with forward with more and hopefully we'll be able to get as many of them as possible. Moving on to the next question. How should parents balance showing affection in front of their children and what's appropriate? will listen to you. I get affection, the husband and wife together in front of children. >> Um, so there's different opinions about about this. And um, I I don't think this is an answer that this is a question that can be answered one sizefits-all for everyone. And I want to take a moment to suggest that it's important to recognize that certain things are different for each family. And not every question, even though these type of panels are great, not every question can apply to every person. And an answer that you got from a rabbi that you have a relationship with might be different for a different family who's holding in a different place and a different situation. Um, but if I could just answer broadly, I would say it's very important that your children know that you really love your spouse. And we are the the teachers to our children about what a relationship is supposed to be. And the greatest gift we can give our children better than any game or drone or whatever is that they have parents that love each other at home. That's the security. That's the safety that so much in psychology will tell you how much how many issues are mitigated by growing up in a home where where the parents um have shalom have have love for each other. And this is one of the reasons why it's really important not to argue in front of the kids especially when they're really young. People think, oh, they're young, they're not really noticing. That's when they're creating their perspective of the world. That's when they're the most fragile, most vulnerable. when they're in the the youngest age. And so what I what I would what I would say is first and foremost make sure that your children know that you really love your spouse. And a little bit of affection could be healthy for them to know to know that. So it's not like children should see their parents and never see them show any affection for each other. Now whether it's expressing I love you in a public way in front of the in front of the children at the table whether it's um the way they look at each other and we know 80 or 90% of communication is non-verbal. Okay. So our kids pick up on these subtleties. So the real truth is if you really are feeling thoughts of love towards your spouse your children will feel it. You don't have to express it in a very physical way. you don't have to walk around like you know hugging them etc because because your children will feel that that that connection that you have for your spouse. So basically a certain amount of physical affection might be appropriate. I would try to limit it um because I don't think it's necessary for them to see uh too much and I think it is healthy to have boundaries even with our children. Um, I know this wasn't the question, but um, I I personally believe that it's it's healthy for children to recognize that their parents' bedroom, for example, is their space and to recognize the sort of sacred sac sacredness of their parents' bedroom. And it's it's better for children not to go into their parents' bedroom. Now, if you live in a one-bedroom apartment, that's probably not practical, okay? But if you live in a house or in a multi-bedroom situation and we're talking about a small infant, it's obviously different. But they should respect that there's that that that that space. And um and going back to the question, I think if there's if you feel affection towards your spouse, your children uh will will will feel that as well. Limit a lot of external expression, but a certain amount of of showing affection, I think, is healthy. Thank you. Okay, the next question. How do you handle frequent rejection in the bedroom? Now, you would think this question can be answered both, but this is coming from a woman's perspective. How she's saying that she's emotionally affected and it's painful for her. I'm not going to assign this to I'm going to ask one of you to take this question who's brave enough. How do you handle frequent rejection in the bedroom from a woman's perspective? But I I'm sure this could be answered both ways as well. any let's not misunderstand in this whirlwind of psychology and therapy in the world today that there's such a thing as go to therapy, put a little bow on stuff, do the trauma work, and then it'll goes away. There's like a lot of pain in the world and there's a lot of pain in our lives and pain in our childhood, pain in our adulthood, pain in our adolescence. And the first thought that I had when I heard that question is just ouch like it's just painful. And and that's an okay starting point. Sometimes we have you know especially you know be a man get over it or oh what come all these emotions you crazy woman like that is a yestery year thought and it is not true and we have big big big hurtful feelings and they are normal and okay to to actually address the question a little bit if possible um having an open I'm going to say both ways. If possible, having an open conversation relationship with your spouse, in this case husband, about your struggle um where you can feel received is of deep importance. Um we're all hurt in our relationships in different ways. In the most beautiful of marriages, we're hurt. Um in the most happy, in the most romantic, in the most intimate, both physically and emotionally, all of those relationships involve a lot of hurt. And sometimes we have that hurt and our brain spirals into narrative and we start wondering if we picked the right person and what would it be like with somebody else and what maybe it's my fault. It's really what it is their fault and then we're just jumping off a cliff with our thoughts and then we continue to do so and then as we're falling we're like let's jump up that one too. We just fly and spiral and flail. So the way we address all of that pain meaning in the best case scenario, the best way to do so is with your spouse, with their love and their understanding. So if possible to have that vulnerable expression with your husband in this case where you say, "Hey, I'd like to talk about something really tough. I don't know how you're going to take it, but I'd like to tell you how I feel." And then specifically, ladies, just a quick life hack. It's not as enjoyable the first time, but this is really smart. Tell your husband exactly what you want to hear back. No one wants that. I want you to read my mind. I want you to know what you're supposed to say. Why don't you just know what I need? Why don't you just know me? Those are things that are understandable and I hear them from many, many people. So, it's not an abnormal desire, but it doesn't work. So, if you were to say, "Hey, I'm having a serious emotion. I'm having a seriously hard time. I want to be heard." What does that mean? I want to say how I'm feeling, and I just want you to try and get it. There's no magic thing you're supposed to say back. You're just supposed to lock eyes with me and do your best to understand where I'm coming from. And then here's the kicker. And if you do that, you will have done the best possible job you can to make me feel supported in this struggle. That brings in all the Superman gene, all of that wanting to have my cape on and looking like I'm big and strong to my girl. All that stuff comes out cuz you just invited him and told him instead of telling him what he's doing wrong, you're telling him how he can possibly support you. So in a situation where you can have that relationship with your spouse or with your husband, the best thing to do is to share it in that way. If you don't, which unfortunately often happens, sometimes it's because you haven't been communicating in this way. And if you can either figure out how to communicate in this way from this sentence, or you can figure out from other professionals or rabbis and helpers and rebbitson, then definitely do so. But if your husband or spouse is not supportive and is not interested in hearing it and wants you to deal with your stupid little feelings on your own, um then you definitely need to have somebody to talk to because whether it's a friend friend be very careful. Friends can help you with your spiral very significantly. Even a therapist friend who is a friend and a therapist really has a bias. The reason a therapist doesn't see friends as clients is because I care too much about my friends to be a good therapist to them. When they come to me, if I have a male friend who comes to me frustrated about his wife, I feel like your buzzer's going. If I have a male friend that's coming to me about his wife and I'm frustrated for him, I'm suddenly feeling you got to get out of there, man. She's killing you. Meanwhile, if somebody came to me who I didn't know, Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know, yeah. And how does that make you feel? Yeah. And I could stay there with that person. So therapist who is a friend probably not but like a rv a rabbitson someone who's respected in the field someone who knows what they're doing definitely express yourself because and then I'm going to stop shy because somebody's going to get the brunt of your pain among women I happen to think what I've noticed is the person that gets the brunt of your pain is yourself I think the self- neglect sets in immediately I think the self-hatred and the the spiral of what's wrong with me and all of those things just come swooping Again, it's very sad and it's not fair. You don't deserve it. You work too hard. Um, but if it's not yourself, it's your spouse. And if it's not your spouse, it's your children. Best case scenario, it's your parents cuz it doesn't matter as much. Keep it out of a aim. Yes. But relationally, um, but you definitely have to have somebody to express it to and and and feel understood by, if not your spouse, so that you're not going to take it out on somebody else, even if that other person is yourself, because that's not good either. Thank you. Okay. The next question is about a husband wanting an outlet. The husband wants to hang out with his friends. The wife doesn't like it. >> How does he how do they both get what they want? Rao. >> Should I repeat the question? >> Yeah. One more time. >> A husband wants an apple to hang out with his friends and doesn't want it. Wife doesn't appreciate if he does that. So first of all, you have to realize that self-care is very important both for the man, for the wife, whether it's doing it together, going out, or sometimes you have to go out on yourself, on your own with your friends. Um there's nothing wrong with it. And yes, women can also go out with their friends once in a while. Nothing wrong with that either. Um, as long as it's a good environment and it's a good group of friends, I think the two the the couple have to communicate and discuss their needs and how it's important to them and there should be an understanding that this is actually part of having a healthy relationship. Now, if you're hanging out with your friends and going outside in the city, that's a different discussion. But if you want to go out with them and go out to a restaurant, you go play bowling, I don't know what these guys do today, the good guys do today, then there's nothing wrong with that. come to obviously uh I'm sure most guys sitting in this room if you say come to your wife would not say no to you is that true or not true so but but the idea of going out it's not considered rebellious it's not considered you want to be separated it's a normal feeling in a relationship where you're able to just you know let out some of your stress amongst your friends family whatever it may be and it's something that definitely both sides should uh should permit for each other. >> Huh? How often? Oh, so Rich, you go out every night. I don't know your wife let you do it. But uh the evidence ends, you know, the best part of being a rabbi is we have to go out every night and you know, but but uh but the truth is at home is obviously the first thing. My responsibility to my wife and kids is the most important thing. Even as a rabbi, if I ever see my wife ever needs me, I don't care what kind of meeting I have. I don't care what kind of sh it is. You've seen I think two years ago I canceled a year of or three years ago I couldn't make it. Why? Because my family always comes first. There's no question about it. Now in terms of how often depends on your situation you know how old you are, how how long you're married for, how many kids you have in the house, what's the situation in the house, everything. No, like Rabbi Woodmer said, not every single case is equal. So everything has to be judged accordingly. Every situation is different. and uh talking to your spouse about it is the best way of doing it and assuring that when you leave it's not done with anger it's done with communication and approval and like I said it's definitely healthy for for for everyone to go out and have their time freely as they say without the other in a good environment okay I have two questions here they're both very similar one comes from the woman's side and one comes from the men's side it reads and and it's the same question if you but from different perspectives what are some ways a woman can control her attitude and her anger towards her husband and her kids when she's triggered and a man is asking I hope it's not the same husband if a wife is constantly have moments where she blows up for the small things how does a man react so it's a two-part question how should a woman control herself or or work on herself and her attitude of getting angry towards the husband and the kids and when it does happen what does a husband do to it we're going to ask two people to respond to this question we'll start with rapid rib I think the first thing to remember is um getting angry number one is not um not a good thing. Um even the Rambam who's known to be of the golden mean everything should be done in a balance somewhere in the middle. But when it comes to anger it's like no anger at all. Very difficult. We're human beings. We have things that um trigger us or our spouse or our children press our buttons and push us push us over the edge. Um we have to understand it that life is a test and a lot of times Hashem wants to see how we react to certain situations. Um for me the example working in yeshiva as well a lot of times you can see kids they're fighting with each other and uh and acting in very inappropriate ways. A lot of times I blame the parents because a lot of things that they learn is from the home, right? If they see the father getting upset, for example, and he might curse, god forbid, or he might hit the child, god forbid. So the child learns when daddy's upset, what do you do? You hit somebody. So when he's in school and somebody's going to get upset, what is he going to do? You're going to hit somebody because this is what he learned in the house. So if you're one to model to your children how to act or react into certain situations, it's very important to take those opportunities and to act and react in the right way. But getting upset, it's just your frustration coming out and taking on the children. As was mentioned before, if you come home cuz you had a hard day and take it on your spouse, it's not fair. What did they do to you? You have to know how to calm down, cool down, you know, take the time out, whatever is necessary to come back to yourself and put on the, you know, the husband hat, the father hat, the mother hat, whatever it might be, and you come home with a smile on your face, cuz that's what's expected from you when you come to the house. So, the best thing to do would be to try to control the situations. If you feel you're being overwhelmed and you need the extra help, then please ask the spouse to try to come in and take care of situations. um it gets into problems when wait till daddy comes home and he's going to take care of it because then you're using the crutch of the husband or the father all the time and then you start to lose control unless the father is there as the backup for the wife to make sure you have to listen to your mommy and make sure they understand the rules in the house again working together for the same goal of building the beautiful home together with each other. >> Okay, please. So again the question was how do we repeat the question if you don't mind >> um about anger how does a woman from her perspective control her anger when she's triggered and how does a man respond to that? >> Mhm. So in in my classes I I often talk about the word trigger because if you take the word very literally and you think of a gun, right? So if if I have a gun in my hand and there's a bullet in the chamber, there's no safety on and I'm going like this and you go boo and the bullet goes off and god forbid it hurts someone. So, I could blame you for going boo or I could think about why did I have a gun in my hand with a bullet in the chamber going like this. And many of us are a gun with a bullet in the chamber going like this. And as soon as something happens around us that we weren't expecting, it could be in our personal lives, our professional lives, our kids, or a combination of those together, we get triggered. So personally I think the the best approach is to really work look into ourselves. You know it seems like a cliche but it's true. I I give a class to couples uh before their wedding. One of the things I say to them what's the most important thing to work on in your marriage? I say it's yourself because ultimately a healthy person a healthy marriage is made up of two healthy individuals striving to become one. I know it's a little bit of a mouthful, but a healthy marriage is made up of two healthy individuals striving to become one. Or you could say two individuals who are striving to become healthy and therefore striving to become one. We have to keep working on ourselves. And if something triggers us, the easy thing to do is just to say, "Don't look at me that way. Don't talk about my mom that way. Don't do this." And then I won't get triggered. But that's not really the way of self-growth. If we really want to grow, we need to really look into oursel and say, "How can I be calmer? How can I walk into the house happier?" I remember Rabbi Israel used to say, "Tell every husband to have a snack before he came home." Okay? You know, so you you walk into the house in a more relaxed state. And you can make the same argument that a wife should have set up a breather for herself if it's possible. It's not always realistic, but if it's possible to set up a breather for herself, so so if she knows when her husband's coming home, she he's not walking into chaos. All of these things can can help. But ultimately, I think the the the the answer really is is to is to look into ourselves and to to be more self-aware and to be in a calmer state of mind so things don't trigger us as much. >> Beautiful. Thank you so much. Okay. Thank you so much. How do you shift the the disc disciplining parent role to the husband? This mother or this woman feels that uh she always has to step in and the husband isn't taking a lead. It leads to increasingly disrespect to the father. And how do you get out of the cycle? So a woman is asking me on board. A woman is asking, "How do you get your husband to take more of an active role in parenting?" >> Do you mind to read the wording of the question again though? >> Yeah, >> sorry. >> It's a long paragraph. So, you shift the disciplining parent role from the wife to the husband. >> The second part was the part >> and what if the children don't take the husband seriously if the mom has to step in and this leads to decreasing respect for the father. Excuse me for being um a little bit on the nose, but I don't know whose nose it is, so I can take advantage of that. Um there's a lot of parts to that question. One part that just really stuck out to me. Um is something that Rabbi Miraov mentioned and Rabbi Rutenberg mentioned earlier. Um, it doesn't surprise me that a wife's frustration with her husband not taking the lead happens to also result in a lack of respect from the children to the husband. And I doubt it's because he doesn't have a disciplinary role in the house. Um, it is more likely um that the children are feeling what I felt by the wording of the question which is um not just true in this question. So, I think it's on all of our noses. Um, because if we look at our children and watch the things that they do to our spouses that frustrate us, the first thing we should do rather than telling them listen to mommy, listen to papa, listen to daddy, is ask ourselves a very, very uncomfortable question, which is when did I display that behavior? What am I doing in my life that keeps this cycle of behavior going? Um, if my wife is my ultimate precious priority of all of life and the universe and then they are disrespectful to their mommy and I say, "Excuse me, absolutely not." That fits in with the rest of the environment of the home. And if a mother looks towards and treats her husband in a way that shows this is a husband, this is the man of our home. This is the way we treat the man who is whether he's working or learning or trying to provide. Then our children will feel the same way. What I heard in the question is two things. First of all, I'm dying for a partner. I'm dying for teamwork and I'm overwhelmed. So besides for my call out on you that what you're feeling on the inside will come across to your children. That's like a side part to the question. So just wanted to mention that. But as for the question and what was meant to be asked, I'm starving for a partner. I can't do it all myself and I'm doing it all myself. How do I get them to take the role? How do I get them to to be involved? And also underneath the question is what do I do with the fact that I'm personally struggling with not respecting my husband for not taking the lead? So once again, let's start with what's actually going on for me. If I'm able to look in the mirror at the fact that I'm struggling with my husband not taking the lead, and I don't respect that. That's not what I want. Is it what I wanted? I don't know. Now it's not what I want. I want my husband to take the lead. I want my husband to be my partner. I want my husband to be my teammate. And I'm in pain. Coming back to something I said earlier, talk to your spouse in a way that talks about you. I don't feel like I can do this world without somebody taking the lead. Can I technically Sure. But when my wife says, "Did you lock up?" When my wife says, "Did you lock up?" when I climb into bed. And if I'm not sure, I go and check if the bolt is in fact clicked in the right direction. It is not because my wife cannot do that activity. It is because she wants to feel like I made sure the door was locked. Doesn't matter whether that's reasonable. That's something that makes her feel safe and connected and taken care of. Share that with your husband in this case. And if there's something similar with your wife, share them share it with your wife, but but share what's going on for you. You're not a man is how your man will hear every variation of that sentence other than I don't know if I can do it. I don't feel safe. I need you to help me. There's no other version of the sentence that doesn't accidentally communicate. You are not manly enough. Your father, your brother is my brother's better. My father's better. It's endless the amount of people that we're already comparing ourselves to. So, yes, it hurts not to have a teammate. Yes, you should definitely try and communicate that. Try and find what's going on for you and try and talk about you. Quick heads up, last sentence. If it's the first time you talk about yourself rather than about your partner, it's not going to be received. Well, right. Often I got I did I was at your speech and I did I did it. I did the vulnerable thing. I said, "I'm feeling like you're a loser." Okay. That no. Okay. So, we clarify and they go back and No, I'm feeling like it's hard to be married to a loser. And then by three, we get to I'm feeling scared because I'm not sure I can handle the world. Okay. Got it. And their husband looks at them like like they have no What are you? I've never heard this type of talk before. What are you doing? What is this? Have you been to therapy lately? What are they putting into your head? What have you been watching? Like it just Instagram. Let me see your Instagram feed. Like I don't know some like Dr. Becky so and so is telling you how to talk to I don't know what this is. Right. It takes a second. Every single behavior pattern takes a minute. But if you can be brave enough to engage in a behavior and then trust it and use it even though it's not working immediately which is hard that can actually get growth in most of these areas. >> Thank you so much. >> Okay. The next question is about giving criticism. Giving criticism criticism to your spice to your spouse don't do it. If yes, when and how? And also another adjacent question to that is how do you criticize your spouse when they overre react or you feel they overreacted with a child? So giving criticism um if yes when and how to do so specifically when you need to especially when it comes to um what you feel is unjustified with a child. You know, I always tell people, especially that if you want to have in your family, there's one simple ingredient. How do you say family in Hebrew? >> Mishbaka. You'll notice that the word and both have the same exact letters. Only Mishbaka is one extra letter. What's the extra letter? >> The letter P. Very good. to tell you that if you want to have it's not the chandeliers, not the vacations, not the swimming pool in your backyard. Those are happy moments. But to have happiness, it all comes down to your to your mouth. You know, disagreements are not the source of problems. Gava is the source of problems. If you know how to speak and give constructive criticism, instead of saying you're you're slow, you're a loser, you can say, you know, you have so much capabilities, you could definitely do better than that, whether it's to your spouse or to your kids. Next thing you know, you're talking and you're encouraging and you're having proper means of communication. So, arguing, nothing wrong with that. Criticizing, nothing wrong with that. It depends how you criticize. So as long as you're doing it properly like a real Torah Jew, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, I believe that when you have arguments and you have proper communication, you get stronger and you get comm and you actually get closer to each other. But if you have arguments and you start insulting and you start criticizing in a negative fashion, then that's why we have so many people with sh problems. If you really think about it, a lot of our problems we take, we take a little fly, we make it an elephant. So pay if you use your mouth properly, if you communicate properly and you give constructive criticism and you listen and then respond, don't speak over each other. I think that the arguments are going to take you guys to the next level of relationship. You know, it says even with when you do we are what does that mean? They explained if you have a long rope, right? You're holding it from one end, I'm holding from the other end. So, we're 10 ft away. What happens if the rope tears? Now, you make a double knot to put it back together. Now, we're not 10 ft away. We're 9 and 1/2 ft away. We're actually closer. What happens if it tears again? After double knot, it gets even closer. Same thing with relationships. When a person has an argument, you could use that as a as a building block to actually build understand each other more, understand her pain more or his pain more and actually brings the husband and wife closer to each other. So if it's done right, then I think criticism is is something that we should discuss and we should be open with each other at the right time at the wrong right moment and with the right uh verbiage. >> Thank you so much for that. The question also was when is the right time? Like when should I do it? And sometimes one of the questions here was he was in the heat of the moment, >> right? >> So should I wait? Should I? >> So you should know when the husband comes home from her work for example, you said you have to have a snack. I think we got to have to make these guys happy over here before they come home. But when the husband comes home, he just opens the door. AH, YOU'RE HERE. YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY DID YOU DO THIS? Why'd you leave that this morning? I told you to do this. If you bring it up when they just walk into the house, you're asking for for trouble. Everything is everything has its time. Let him come home, greet each other nicely, see the kids, do the homework. Once everyone's settled, you can sit down over a nice cup of tea and bring it up to him or her. To do this, you know, at the moment that you're angry, not the right time. I remember when I was a kid, my father used to always tell us when you get angry, don't fight right away. Wait 10, 15 minutes, right? Anyone knows my older brother Shabbury, he actually was a karate uh champion, and I was very happy with that rule cuz he's always beat me up. So I'm like, you're lucky. You know, I'm holding myself back. But but the point is, it's a fact. When you hold yourself back for 10, 15 minutes, suddenly the tone, the anger, everything calms down a little bit. So don't just tick everything in the right time, find the right moment, and when you do at the right time and moment, next thing you know, it's a very beautiful conversation. It's not screaming, it's not accusing, it's not derogatory. It's it's going to be done in a more respectful fashion. >> Thank you. Thank you so much. Okay. My husband sometimes gets jealous of the relationship that I have with my one-year-old baby. He wants me to stop nursing him because he feels like he's already 1 years old. He's getting bigger and my husband wants my attention. The baby wakes up in the middle of the night and I run to him. How should I deal with this? I don't want to stop nursing the baby because I feel like it's the healthiest thing for him, but I also don't want to affect the relationship with my husband. He needs a private meeting with you. >> No, it's been a while since I had little kids at home. So, for Hashem, um, as the wife said, um, I guess the healthiest, uh, for the baby is to nurse. Nothing can take the place of mother's milk in comparison to even formula, whatever it might be. So that's uh from a health point of view that's it's very important. There's the bonding between the mother and the child. Very important as well. Um the husband has to understand that uh this is also your child. It's not her child. It's it's it's our child. It's uh it's our baby. And we want to make sure that the baby's going to grow up healthy and strong and to have uh an emotional balance in their lives. And it's important to have the mother there as long as possible. At the same time, if the wife is hearing from her husband that he feels neglected, he feels left out, he feels I'm second filling out to a little baby. Okay, I'm your husband. Okay, so she has to understand that and try to, you know, give him more time and attention. Um, you don't nurse 24/7. Um, he's getting to the age where slowly slowly uh you want to start weaning them off. But there has to be times in between where your husband has to feel that you are giving time and attention. you are giving him some uh some affection, you are giving him some uh whatever it is that he's looking for. But at the same time, again, finding the balance. I think the most important thing I think would be to talk with each other to see what is the best way to deal with the situation and not just stop weeding the baby in because I need your time and attention. Again, the husband has to be a little bit more open-minded and understanding with the wife and what's best for the baby at the end of the day. You want to add to that? >> So, thank you. Uh I would add just another component similar to what I said before about being intentional on let's say the husband's side when he comes home from work. I think in this case if if you know the wife needs to be intentional as well and um it's not about finding the perfect solution and it's not about making everybody happy all the time. Okay, chuck that idea out the door because if you try to make everybody happy all the time, no one's going to be happy. Okay. So, if his expectations are not realistic, accept that, but try your best to accommodate and give him the attention that he needs. And like I would say, just be really intentional, which is hard because we have so many things hitting us. And sometimes if it's the first kid, it's hardest. Sometimes if it's the third or fourth kid, it's even harder because there's so many other demands and expectations. But I really do believe that for our partners, what they want more than anything else is to see our our desire. If they see that we're trying, and this is true, I think so many of the questions and so many of the answers are based on this idea. If they see that we're trying already, it takes care of a big percentage of the of the issue. So if if the wife makes a point of saying to the husband, you know, I really hope tonight the baby will sleep in its own room the whole night or I hope that I'll only have to go there once during the night and let's say the baby ends up coming three times to the room. But the fact that you made that intention, if it's real, they'll feel like okay, you you care, you understand where I'm coming from. The other point I just wanted to touch on what the question before about, you know, the times when we should criticize. So I very much agree with what Rab said about not responding right away. Um many books you know Torah books and other books have talked about have talked about how it's even the moment like a one minute or even like Steven Kovi talks about like the the exact minute like the exact second after someone does something to you before you respond as the most important moment in the world that second. I remember my wife's grandparents um very very special people the advice they gave us when we got married was when you have an argument close the window so first first is because you know the neighbor shouldn't be involved but I thought deeper idea was if I have the patience and the thoughtfulness to close the window I'm probably not going to say the most hurtful thing because if I'm already thinking about I have that that self-control but I want to also add that I really really believe that as much as The P is very important. The are more important than the mouth because the thoughts that we have the the thoughts that I'm thinking about now even when I'm with my spouse affect my sense of being affect how I feel and that becomes the pet. The pet represents the the the thoughts. You know, I always think about the fact that right before we we say before we talk about the love for Hashem, we talk about how much Hashem loves us. We talk about all the love Hashem has for us. Because if I can think about how much my spouse loves me, it'll bring me to have more positive feelings towards them. There's the very famous psychologist John Gutman who who done amazing research about with couples and he says that that communication is overrated. He says because if you see a couple fight with each other there's a lot of communication going on. You're this, you're that, you know, all these different things. He said what's really the problem is what's behind the communication is is is how do you feel the resentment he calls it or contempt. How do you feel inside? How do you feel inside yourself? So if you can try to focus on the positive qualities of your spouse and think about the things they've done they do for us and the things that the good the good times I I think that that that also helps us when we do criticize it the criticism doesn't sting as much. If if inside my heart I'm seeing them in a good light but if inside my heart I'm seeing them in a negative light then the criticism will feel much worse. And one more final thought is I cannot emphasize this enough. The dword has to be abolished, sent away, and should never ever be used in a marriage. I don't care if you're married for a week or for 50 years, no couple should ever use the D-word. Okay? Because I can tell you from divorce, I can tell you from firstirhand experience that, and I'm sure the rest of this panel can agree, everybody agree to this statement. All in agreement, say I that that that that the D word is so destructive because we say it a person will say it in a moment of anger >> maybe because they heard it at home, maybe because it makes them feel like like a macho man or they they say these words and and sometimes this comes from the wife also. It's like I'm so frustrated just go leave. I can't deal with this. When we use those words, we break the foundation of the relationship. And when you break a foundation, it's it's very very hard to rebuild. It might you might be smiling an hour later. You might go out to eat later that night, but there's something broken in the foundation. So, it's super important to keep that in mind. Sorry for going over time. >> I'll just add one point. >> You lost control. You lost control. >> Okay. >> Okay. You can go back home. Just just to add one point to what you were saying you know is the same letters of so obviously it starts with the head starts with the mind but then to bring a to your family you got to use your mouth properly so it's all is all inter intertwined just one >> I also just want to point out there is a possibility that he has anxious attachment and uh doesn't have um a sense of self that can stomach his wife needing time with her baby. Now, I'm not saying that that's what's happening. It sounds like it's very likely, but it doesn't it. So, again, all of the itas and ideas and advices that have happened over here are important because as we said before, okay, great. So, you tell your husband that it's his self-esteem and then what? He goes to therapy and does the little bow thing and figures it out and it's all good now? Like, he's still going to struggle. He might not go to therapy. He might be Bkarian. He might not be interested. There's like a there's like a like a disconnect. And again, I'm I'm trying to be funny, but like, you know, European and anyone who is not like American and reading American books as a primary source of literature is not really interested in going to therapy, at least on this side of the room, and they might not go. So, just recognize that you might actually be jumping through hoops. Sometimes it sounds like you don't want me to say things. Feel Sometimes you might be jumping through hoops to try and make sure that your husband feels okay. And slowly but surely, you're adding resentment as well because you're not seeing him as a man who can take care of himself. So, everyone's got to communicate. Everyone's got to be clear. You need a lot of advice. Don't, oh, okay. I I heard enough. I have to just make sure that I give him enough attention. So, I'm going to finish nursing and I'm going to go to him later and we're going to talk for 5 minutes. Take a second, check yourself. Your husband has to check whether or not that's what's going on for him. And frankly, you have to check as the wife. Perhaps he's picking up on something. Perhaps he's feeling distant from you because you're less interested in him and you're pulling away, but you don't want to admit that. And this is just his way of noticing it. So, it's all about asking yourself a tough question again. >> Okay, I guess that was a question for all. Thank you so much. >> Uh, really, we have a lot of questions. We want to get through a few more. How are we doing about time? You guys are okay? Yeah, the girls are excited. Yeah, the the boys. Beautiful. First of all, round of applause to the fantastic. We're going to continue with a few more questions. Uh we'll probably do three or four maybe and some opening remarks. You can take some opening questions from the from the audience. If my child is imitating other children from the school or from the family, how do I explain it to this to the child without putting him or her down? The child is doing something wrong, whether it's imitating, making fun, or even abusing another person in the family. How do you discipline that child without putting them down? I think the of course the parent should uh have a talk with the child and explain to them uh what they're doing is right or wrong. I don't think there's any reason to be to criticize a child or to put the child down. Um children are are parents they they copy they mimic and they see a lot of things that goes on around them whether it's copying you or copying any other family members or even uh kids in school. Uh sometimes they feel it's cool. this is what the the popular kids are doing and I want to I want to fit in. I want to be part of the gang, part of the part of the crew. Uh so again, if you have certain values or certain things that uh you know, rules in your house, again, they have to be expressed. The children have to understand it. Uh spending time with them, having a one-on-one, take them out to eat maybe and have a conversation with them and explain to them certain things are acceptable and certain things are not. You can't take it for granted. They should know life as you do. They're not as old. They're not as experienced. They haven't been around. They might not know. They're a blank piece of paper and whatever you write on it, that's what they're going to grow up with. So, it's definitely a bonding opportunity uh to teach a child. As the children grow up, there'll be certain challenges in their life. You want to make sure that you have a good enough of a relationship with them that they'll reach out to you with any question instead of going to uh Rabbi Google or uh any of the friends on the on the streets and get their answers that way. So if you build up a good relationship with them and they should feel comfortable that they come to the parent to be able to express themselves and discuss certain topics that come up in their life, I think that'll be the best way to go. >> Beautiful. Thank you so much. Okay, Rabier, what advice would you give to a woman who claims or feels that her husband doesn't like her family? >> One more time, what advice you'll give? How would you suggest that a woman addresses the fact that she feels her husband doesn't like her family? So let's put it this way you know when we get married why do we have seven days you see your father your mother your father-in-law your mother-in-law your uncles your aunts your brothers your sisters finally you got married you have to see them for seven straight days would it be better if you just go to Disneyland you go to a nice vacation why do we have this that says seven straight days you celebrate with family together and the answer is very simple if you go to Disneyland after get married you starting marriage. You're starting your marriage life off with something that's fake. It's not real. So, we're telling you the first week after you get married, family, family, family, family, family, cuz that's really the foundation of a relationship, being close to your family. With that being said, if the wife feels that the husband is distant from her family, that conversation has to be had. Are they maybe aggressive with him? Are they mocking him? Are they doing ABC? Now, even if they are and he has a right claim that that's what they're doing, doesn't mean you have to ex them out forever. I think Rabbi Riov, you said this before about in-laws about making sure that you always have your husband's back and the husband has his wife's back. As long as they feel that you're supporting each other, then you can have that criticism to go in one ear and out the other because you know your wife has your back or vice versa. But if you're in that household and they're not treating you properly and she is not supportive of you and she actually takes their back, then will get to the point where he doesn't want to go there. So obviously all comes down to making sure that you and your wife, you and your husband are a team. And I think if you're a team and you work together and you communicate about these matters, then you can have issues with your in-laws, but it doesn't mean we have to act them out. Um, so again, it all comes down to making sure you you're there for each other and you support each other. If he feels that you're supportive of him, then I think that problem can many times be eliminated. Not always. Every case has to be dealt with differently, but that definitely could uh mitigate a lot of the issues. >> We also state your phone number just in case she wants to pass. >> Followup question. Okay. The next question is about the with children. uh somebody who has a 15-year-old boy uh who doesn't attend shul on Shabbat and doesn't come to sh. How do we encourage a child whether this 15year-old child or any other child to come to sh to to I guess keep to how would you address that? >> The obvious question is is um why what's the problem? Um has a child ever gone to sh before? Does the child go to yeshiva? Uh do they have a religious background? What's with the house? Does the father go to shul? A lot of unknown um questions need to be answered to understand what is going on with this child. Of course, can speak to the child to find out what's the problem. Does uh does he like the shu? Does he like the people that are there? Did he have any bad experiences when he was there? There's many other sh in the communities if possible to see if there's another alternative where he can go. Uh again, another opportunity for the parents to talk to the child. Again, the teenagers are sometimes a little bit more difficult. Um, they think they know the world. They think they know everything and they know they have all the answers. Don't tell me what to do, what not to do. But at the same time, again, it's fostering that connection between the parents and the child and to try to get them to understand that this is part of your life. This is part of religion. This is part of our traditions. This is what's important. And again, to see what is the problem, why isn't the child interested. Um, it'll be kadai to spend the time again going out with them, talking with them, speaking to them, finding out what's going on with their life. Are there other challenges that they're going through in their life? Um, again, a lot of things that need to be discussed. Again, the therapists are probably here and the rabbis and the rebes as well could try to help as well. >> A followup question to that is in regards to one spouse is not keeping Shabbat and one is higher. So, if I want my spouse to start keeping Shabbat and I want this spouse of mine to grow, what is the best action that I can take to see their growth? So I think touched on this question earlier and um there's so many different factors involved in that question that it really needs to be a nuanced answer and one of the biggest questions is what who changed because very often we have relationships where one spouse became more observant later on in the relationship and Um there's other situations where one spouse became less religious but I I think that differential makes a huge difference. So let's let's say for argument sake they both came into the relationship not observant and one of them became observant came from Shabbat but there's a phenomenon that happens sometimes when people become bal is that they like the story with the son they came out of the cave they burned up everyone else sometimes we get so excited about the mitzvot we get you call the flip out they get so excited that they can't understand why anyone's not doing it and there's a there's like a and it's not coming from a bad place. It's coming from from a good place cuz they see how what Shabbat did for them. And sometimes the most caring people could become a little bit pushy as far as trying to get somebody else to experience what what they what they have. So if as the relationship started nobody was observant and one became, I think it's very important to allow the other person to take their time going in that direction. I would also strongly suggest um getting involved somebody like from the ATM organization um myself Rabbi Keigle, Mrs. Muscat, Rabbi Craft, others who deal with these type of situations literally every single day, right? If you have if you have a a bad cut, you you you know you you you want to go to a to a surgeon who who doesn't do surgeries once in a while. You know, if you have ser significant, you know, stitches, you want to go to someone a plastic surgeon who does these all day long. So the these are sometimes situations that take a nuanced approach and it sometimes needs somebody from the outside to get involved to try to understand the situation and sometimes the answer is is to help the other spouse to get a ka for example to get a study partner to learn to learn about Shabbat and to experience it that way. Other times the answer is to um take a more gradual approach to the keeping of Shabbat. So again, if we take a black and white approach and the person is not willing to do exactly the whole Shabbat, we can get frustrated and that person the spouse feels that our frustration and it becomes a psycho negative cycle. But if we take a different approach, and I've seen this work many, many, many times where we tell our spouse, I know this is hard for you. And just saying those words, getting into the head of, "I know how hard it is for you." And really feeling that, again, saying the words doesn't do much, but really feeling how hard it is for another person to make a change and how hard maybe it would be for you or maybe how hard it was for you before you started doing it. Getting into that headsp space, allowing for a gradual process is going to give you more Okay, we have a lot of great questions. Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to get to every single one. I want to ask another two more. If that's okay, then we'll hear some opening remarks or closing remarks from the rabbis. Um, the next question is about attraction. After many years of marriage, the attraction has changed for one spouse or the other, whether they're gaining weight or after having children or, you know, somebody not not interested in being healthy. How do I encourage my spouse to want to take care of themselves, to be healthy? So, or and if I'm not finding them attractive, is it something that I can do about it? Should I tell them or not? Nissan. Sorry, I just threw you under there. Okay. Um, possibly a little bit of a hot take. What I've seen often in relationships where this happens is that okay, sometimes it's true and sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes we have like an idea in our head that we're like a little bit stuck on. Mo most thought has a spiral to it. Most thought has like a negative spiral that we kind of get stuck in. We can find sometimes that we've decided that our wife or our husband is no longer attractive to us. And it's not actually something we've reassessed for the last 10 years. years. It's just been the story of my reality because at one point I looked across and I said, "Oh, you're a little heavier than I used to think you were or you've lost some hair or you've this or you that or you don't take care of yourself. Oh, I wasn't I'm not attracted to that." And then boom, right there before you know it, the next 5 years, 6 years, 10 years of arguments at the very end of it say and you're fat and like that just comes out at the end and we all know and it's the thing like now I can't let go of it. It's my like it's my mic drop at the end of every conversation and we're not thinking about it. So just check yourself for a moment or maybe more than a moment. I've seen it, believe it or not. You'd think that attraction is just like a physical reality or an emotional reality. I've seen many times that it is not. Um, and it takes some time to notice that you've gotten yourself into such a spiral. Um, that that's that's one thing. Another another thing to consider. Another thing to consider is that there is an active This is not true when you're dating. If anyone if anyone either has children that are in the dating realm or are dating or someone watches this later and is dating in dating, do not sit looking at a person trying to decide if you can find a way to be attracted to them. That's not a good idea. Um but taking a moment to remind yourself, you know, we all have these gratitude books that go around and write three things you're grateful for. What do you thank Hashem for? A whiteboard on the board on on the fridge or you have a or you have something next to your bed and every morning you wake up what you're grateful for. So start thinking about your spouse. What do they do that changes your life in a positive way? What do they do for you? What is special about them? And and if you ask yourself honestly, you know your spouse inside and out and there are things that they do that are radically better than basically everyone you know somewhere in your life. And if you can combine that with the fact that no one that you're looking at do you really know and it is likely that in a very short amount of time you would find them wildly annoying as well. You put those two thoughts together, you might be able to enhance uh your attraction. As far as if you've done both of those things and you're still left not feeling attracted to your partner and there's something they can do about it, once again, I come back to talking about myself. Take a second to stop worrying about whether it's their fault or they should have gone to the gym or they let themselves go after a baby or they only care about work. all of those stories or narratives to protect us from what's really going on. Frankly, most of the time we're actually a little embarrassed. We feel superficial or we feel something else. There's a lot of things we could be feeling. But but start with me. I love you. I want to feel close to you. I'm embarrassed. I'm uncomfortable. I'm awkward to say that there are moments where I'm not feeling as attracted to you as I want to so that I can enjoy our physical, sexual, emotional relationship as much as is possible. I'm so sorry and deeply and you can even now you can see that I mean it because I'm thinking about having to say such a thing and it's so hard like I don't I I hate this and they're going to be upset and embarrassed and overwhelmed but you're sharing with them something that's important to you and you're not attacking and if you are actually at a point where you've done all of those other things and you've thought it through and you're still there and it really needs to be addressed that's the only way that you can communicate it obviously doing so with a help with a mentor with a therapist is probably a good idea That's it. >> Thank you so much. Okay, we're going to do some closing remarks, but we're going to do it in an interesting way. We're going to ask with this last question here. The topic is about respect. We're going to ask each and every one of you to respond to this. We'll start with in regards to respect. How does a man get respect from his wife? And how does a woman earn to be treated like a queen? So in your closing remarks talking about respect for both ways uh each of you are going to suggest a book that the couples can learn with together if you can. I know I'll put you on the spot. There was also one of the questions a book that so how does a man earn respect and how does a woman can treat you like a queen? >> So albai you don't get respect by banging on the table and saying I'm the man in the house that doesn't work. Maybe they'll be scared of you. They'll be intimidated from you. Right? to get respect. It's a certain conduct. The writes that if you treat your wife in a certain way, she treats you in a certain way. There's no aggression involved in that treatment. It's pure cavode. It's pure respectful. It's the way you communicate, the way you crown each other. You know, there's a there's a famous story of Mosher Schneider. He was once uh conversing with someone in the street and a young baka walks by. He says, "Rabbi, Rabbi, I get a mazto." He's like, "What happened?" I'm getting married says oh give me a nice say what do you want says give me a that I should have a perfect marriage no bumps in the road everything should be good and he's waiting for the baka and he's waiting and waiting and waiting rabbi what happened and the rabbi tells him listen I won't give you the baka because the baka will never ever happen no such thing as the perfect marriage. No such thing as not having bumps in the road. But I will give you he said that you should have the wisdom and the inner strength to overcome the challenges of marriage life. So you want to have respect first of all recognize that nothing's perfect. When your wife makes a mistake or the husband makes a mistake, it's not because of disrespecting you. It's because of human beings. And many times we interpret a mistake into a rebellion. I married the wrong person and we're making it the whole balan for no reason. So if you want to have a proper relationship, just realize nothing's perfect. There will be many bumps in the road. You have to know how to slow down sometimes. You have to know how to make a U-turn sometimes, right? But nothing is perfect. And then when you learn how to give each other the proper cavote by not demanding it, but by being a role model. If I see something bothers my wife, I don't need her to tell me Elan it bothers me. I should be able to recognize it and make the necessary changes. That's why she respects me. And vice versa. But if everything has to be told to you a hundred times, right, and have to keep nagging you about it, next thing you know, everyone becomes um how do you say it? A bother. Everything becomes into a whole uh scene and your relationship could go down the drain. So, I think the most important thing is to not expect perfection. to recognize there going to be problems and to make sure that you're going to be the biggest role model when it comes to getting respect. Same thing with your kids, by the way, to demand from your kids. Eventually, they're not going to be scared of you anymore. You're screaming and you're threatening when they're 7 8 9 10 11 17 they're going to stand up to you. So, if you want to get respected, it's a dignity and it's the the it's the way that you conduct yourself with class. You know I always say that the way you're full of class in the or in your work environment have that same class at home. Some people said they came in but they're terrorists when they enter the house. It's very important that you have that class of the in the house and that's how everyone's going to start respecting you and not being fearful of you and scared of you. So I think if we recognize that no perfection mistakes will happen and that your job is to overcome those challenges by being smart. I think you're on the right path of having true. >> Thank you so much. >> Listen, I I learned I don't know about books. You have to speak to them. They're the experts. >> Okay. >> You get to recommend two books. Two books. Respect is um it's a big word and I think a lot of people have different definitions of what respect entails whether it's for the husband whether it's for the wife I think it's very important for them to discuss what is their definition what do they understand what's their expectation from the other when it comes to respect um there's a famous idea you want to be respected you have to respect others if you are a king and you treat your wife like the queen, she'll treat you like the king. You treat the people in your country, the kids, the prince, the princesses as they're supposed to be. Again, they'll in turn respect you as being the king. There's a difference between a king and being a dictator, right? Hashem has the as the king for the Jewish people as he is the Hashem is the dictator when it comes to the one day you're going to be the king because they're going to finally understand what it means to be as the ruler of the world. But until that time you have to treat each other properly. If you treat her like a then you become the bucket. Okay? You treat her like the queen she'll treat you like the king and vice versa. Again all the books talk about it. This respecting each other very very important. But just to end off on a an idea, we're learning this week's para about last week's para about Hashem says, "Build for me in order for me to dwell within it." Our job is to build our homes. You want to have the you want to have the presence of God there. You want to have blessings, children, whatever it might be. You make a place where can come and ask yourself the question, will Hashem be happy coming to my home? Will Hashem want to come to my home? Will Hashem feel comfortable in my home? In our home? Are we a place of kadusha and purity and holiness that Hashem should feel that he wants to have his presence dwell in our home? And if you're able to do that from changing your bite into a mikdash, what's the kabach of mikdash 444? What's the kbach of bite? 412. The difference is what? 32 of if you have a bite with a lev, you have a mikdash. You want to have a mikdash. Our job is to build a home as husband and wife and to have children. But at the same time it's to uplift it to become something holy want to come over there. You infuse within it the live the heart which symbolizes what you make the heart a sign is it's a sign of love. There has to be love between husband and wife. Something very important. Everyone knows that that's a main stay of the marriage as well. You want to take it to the next level when it comes to Lev, right? We say the man say the you put in the lev supposed to symbolize what you see. You're supposed to remember all the 63. If the house is infused with the lev of all the at the same time again it's a house of Torah. It's a house where want to stay over there. Can the idea of the P? How many teeth do we have in our mouth? Rabbi says there's 32 lev 32 teeth in our mouth. If the p if the mouth is used in the right way, the communication it's loving, it's appropriate. The gammor asked the question why in every part of our body we have two but you only have one mouth. So Hashem says everything ying and yang, black and white, good and bad. If you have two mouths, one for good, one for bad. Hashem says, I see that even the good mouth will not good either. You have one mouth, try to keep it clean, try to keep it proper, try to keep it appropriate. If this is the mouth that says, this is the mouth that learns Torah. This is the mouth to stay clean and proper and not to make evil and to make it disgusting. And the last idea when it comes to lev cavode respect what's the gamach of cavod 32 people think that cavode comes from the word kavd that it's hard it's heavy it's not easy to do but at the same time again cavod comes from the heart it has to be 32 it has to be something where a person wants to do it they love to do it and they feel appreciated what the other spouse has done for me in my lifetime to have the lev the mikdash and the bite and to respect each other in the proper way to have bite for all of us and do us a favor will be out of a job when it comes to doing between the couples that are out there >> any all the books are good out there any Jewish book Rabbi Rou has the men and men and women sh of peace uh for the women as well I think Rabbi Zim also has a book for the men and the women um rabbi perhi I think he has a book on table for two and another thing also has uh 10 mistakes the couples make again they're all great and wonderful pick I think 10 minutes to a good marriage over Winkler also excellent book for the couples to sit and learn to spend time whatever it might be it's just opportunities to spend time with each other and to learn and to grow from the experience >> thank you um before I begin I just want to give a plugat ne next Sunday a week from this Sunday we're having a a really good uh speaker um Dr. David Lieberman. Uh some of you may have heard of him. He's a best-selling author and a really really dynamic speaker and he's speaking about a topic called a supercharged marriage. The little things that change everything. Uh this lecture was supposed to be last week but you guys got lucky. There was a snowstorm. It got pushed off. Um it's taking place in Chvy Chase um in the sh over there and um Shai will send out or you can get the information about how to uh how to register for that event. Um I want to take this opportunity to give a thank you to Shai. you did an amazing job and um it's it's my emmed to work together with Shai on a daily basis um in in the EMTT office and sh you really taken EMTT to another level what you've done for Bavar and everywhere else it's I also want to say it's really been to be on the panel with my distinguished friends and colleagues um we talked about respect and um I think one of the challenges with respect is that very often both partners want to give respect to each other but they feel like how can I respect you if you just talk to me that way. How can I show you respect? How can I even feel respect if you just said that about my father? If you just said that about my country, if you just said that about about this, about that, about something else. So we get into a negative respect loop where we each want to respect each other because who would want to be in a marriage but you don't respect your partner. I always tell people I say if you convince yourself that your spouse is a loser the prize you get is you get to have the loser that that's your prize. So we all want to respect each each other but the challenge is we get into these negative loops. And I think about one of the big challenges in relationships is we tend to mind readad. We tend to think, "Oh, I know what you're thinking." We look at each, you know, we don't see our own face. We see our spouse's face. And on their face, we see a negative face and we say, "Oh, you must be upset with me. That's going to make me upset with you." And we create this negative loop. So, one of the best things you can do in a relationship is try not to mind readad. Try to stay curious. But I want to share with you a little story, true story that a good friend of mine, uh, name is Mosha Gersh. an author and a coach of mine and he shared with me this story that took place with his friend in Los Angeles a few months ago and this is the story and I think you can extrapolate from the story a lot of wisdom for your marriage for your children for everything else and the story was like this there was a teenage girl she was I think about 12 13 years old in a religious home and she started dressing differently than the family and she was rebelling which is very normal in teenage years to to do that and the father specifically typically was getting unnerved by this and it created tension between the father and the daughter and this tension spiraled and it wasn't going in a good direction. She didn't feel heard, he didn't feel heard and it got to a point where they weren't talking to each other. They were saying hi by. But like there was no communication. And the father decided, he said, you know, I want to send my daughter a message to stop this negative spiral. And he writes her a beautiful email. And in this email, he writes to her how much he loves her, how much he's always going to love her, and how like this is just a temporary phase. And he writes this beautiful message. And he sends it to her. And lo and behold, literally within 24, 48 hours, he sees a difference and she starts being more open and makes him more open and the relationship starts cycling in a different direction. And within two weeks, they're talking to each other more than they did before the fight. And by two and a half weeks later before, you know, on Shabbat, she walks over to him and she says, "Can I sit next to you by the table?" So he turns to her in a quiet moment and he asks her, he says, "I feel so much better that we're communicating with each other now," what was it in my email that really got you? What what did I say? What I say that really got you? And she turns to her father and she says, "What email, Dad?" You know, I don't look at email. Email? That's That's for the old people. I don't look at emails. And the father realizes that she didn't change, he changed. He became open to her seeing him differently and he was looking at her with a different eyes. The true story, he was looking at her with a different eyes which made which made her look at him with a different eyes. And this is to me probably in a nutshell the secret to relationships. If we can get out of our head, if we can get out of our assumptions and get out of oh oh you know if you really wanted to respect me you wouldn't do this, you would do this, you would do that and all these assumptions you know the Pik says that when we talks about intimacy it it refers to knowledge and if you take the word intimacy you break it up it says into me a person wants to be seen and the greatest way we're seen is when somebody wants to know us when somebody's curious about us when they're interested in us. But when we make those assumptions, we go into a negative spiral. And what is the what is the prerequisite for all knowledge? I think Aristotle said this, but it's it's very very true from a Torah perspective as well. What's the prerequisite for all knowledge is re humility. Recognizing that you don't know. If I think I know what every facial expression means and I think I know what you're thinking and I think I know all those things, I don't even create opportunity of connection. Wishing everybody here and everyone who watches this in the future shalom happiness in your marriage in your in your with your with your children. We should all grow like my colleague said from our challenges and we should hear good news from >> last words. No book. >> No book. >> I get four. >> Oh no. Three. Um okay. For some people getting respect in your in your relationship is very unique to what you're going through. For some people, it's he doesn't take out the trash on time and he forgets and it's hard. So, let's avoid situations where it's very specific. Let's just start from the basics. We're talking to a couple in the beginning of their marriage. What do you absolutely have to do for a man to get respect in his relationship? It's going to sound very similar because it's true. A man has to treat his wife as his greatest priority above all else. That does not mean if your children, God forbid, were in danger, but your wife needed you to answer the phone, you're going to put that first. But the experience of your wife's relationship with you is that there's nothing in the world more important than her. That includes her emotions, no matter how inconvenient they are, and they are often inconvenient. They are also a large percentage of people's worlds. I was going to say women's worlds, but I happen to be of the opinion that is true of men as well. We're just more uncomfortable with it, so we bury it a little deeper. But it is a giant part of the world. It is your wife's world. It is what she is going through. And if you're not able to prioritize what she's going through, you are not prioritizing her. Then if you're not prioritizing her, you're not going to feel respected. Now, just to point out, um, respect sometimes we distract respect with actions. So like, you didn't tell my son not to sit in my seat cuz that's my seat. That's not respect. That's mishas. That's that's something wacky that you decided when you were 12 is what you do when you respect somebody. It also is and we have to be respectful of such a thing. But your wife not telling your son not to sit in your seat is not because the way she holds you and the esteem that she holds you is not respectw worthy. You're different people with different expectations and different experiences. Let's not get distracted by moments of action. But the overall experience of your relationship, you will feel respected if you're able to put your entire wife as your greatest priority. Because a wife needs to feel cherished, loved, prioritized, seen. All of those fancy words that are in all the fancy songs about love, they all basically just mean you matter more than everything else. And if a wife feels that way, you are going to get respect. It's a pretty reliable formula that I have seen. um on the other side of the room to to receive that the word is respect and not to downplay what a wife needs to feel in a relationship, but but to to feel cherished and to feel seen and to feel loved and to feel understood and to have a husband who's engaged in or interested in validating you. We have to decide what does what does a man need to feel in a relationship? Because if you ask your husband does he want to feel seen in your relationship, that amount of silence will probably follow because it doesn't it's not a word that makes any sense to us. I only know about it because I talk to a lot of women in my work. Um, and because I've read a bunch. Um, a husband needs to feel, excuse, excuse how silly I make this sound. We need to feel like a superhero. I want to feel like a little boy in a cape with my hands on my hips waiting for my girl to think I'm cool. And that is true in 30 years and in 50 years about me as well. Now, I think I'm talking for everyone. If not, I'm talking about me, honey. So, just it it is an important thing to understand. We we are we are actually pride is is kind of little. It's kind of insecure. It's kind of self-conscious. Um the strong burly macho man that you married is actually that way because it's his personality. But also to make sure he's good enough. So therefore to try and get those feelings that you want to have in a relationship, you have to be giving the same. We have to be making our husband feel that he is enough and he is doing well and his effort is seen and he is a superhero and then it's tough cuz what if I don't feel that way and what if I feel like our emotions are not precious and cherishable. So that is hard but it doesn't change the answer. It is hard sometimes to feel respect and it is hard sometimes to feel cherished. But if you do not cherish, you will not get respect and if you do not respect, you will not get cherish. So those are those are just the realities that I have seen. That is how you get what you're looking for in a relationship with regard to respect. As for book suggestions, uh it depends. If you consider yourselves a couple that is highly socially intelligent, you should read uh in my opinion put in my opinion before all of these so I don't have to waste your time. In my opinion, you should read uh Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations uh by Susan Johnson. If you consider yourselves a couple who really have it together, but you don't feel close anymore, and you just don't have that spark, but everything else seems to be there, try the five love languages. Sometimes it's simple and easy. If you are a couple who feels like you live on different planets, but for the most part, you think highly of each other. You just feel like you live on different planets. Let's go with the basic. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And finally, if you don't know what you need, you just think you need to learn a lot know a lot of stuff about marriage, go to Rabbi Schaefer's 10 mistakes book. It is full of magically informative information. That's what information is for, right? Thank you everybody for listening. >> Thank you so much. This has been a joint effort of Kazak and Ev. We're so proud to do this because there's so much to be able to do more. Feel free to send in questions. The rabbis are here. um if we can send you their phone numbers if you have any other questions. 911. >> I also want to be able to thank Robbie and Shi. Thank you so much for the back end for helping us tremendously. A big thank you to hosting us. Have a good day everybody.