Parenting & Shalom Bayit Panel

[Music] Oh [Music] just have the microphone so that no order what they say will go into the queue gets yeah ok ladies and gentlemen we're about to start exactly on time in Bavarian time and first of all let's give a big shout out to EJ AB know now we cannot we have the best panel but we can't do anything without your questions so we show anyone to us question cards please and you can keep making them during the actual event people will be walking around and passing them up it's gonna be extremely not fun without the questions I'm gonna have to make up all the questions in that case it's anonymous so I may not read it but you can ask any question you want ok good evening everyone this before we start the program tonight I want to give a very special thank you to the Kazakh organization and the admin organization together the weather tonight was not amazing but it's pretty warm but not the most pleasant but Kazakh group to all of you for coming out and for making a a commitment to work on your relationship and to making them at your marriage as best as it can be and this this evening's program is going to be recorded and then edited so we're going to be somewhat free and what we discuss tonight a special thank you to Tori any time for coming with audio equipment and for everything that or any time does a huge shout out to Baker real for being such a Macomb tour a such a place of Torah that is literally at my second home cause our second home and I say this all the time and I mean it for my heart this is a place that I don't believe in the entire world there is such a McComb Torah that's so open and so warm and you walk in and you feel like you belong so it's really really something special that the bigger real exists and tonight we're going to do something that Emmett has never done before I don't think he's ever done this before so god forbid and our moderator is going to do such an amazing job that we're going to do this all the time no pressure cards were given out with anonymous questions and as the evening goes on there will be additional cards passed around and you can pass them up towards the front to Rabbi Kegel not every not every question is going to be able to be to be addressed tonight but we're trying to get to as many questions as possible we are going to be having the forum and saw such that every question will only be addressed by two members up to two members of the panel and the first member is gonna get how long am i can go 90 seconds to answer the question and the follow-up will be something similar and we're going to try to cover as as many as many topics as possible tonight I'm gonna I'm gonna start I'll just give my you know really quick intro my name is Robert Berg one of the founders of the Emmitt organization and one of the topics that we really focus on that Emeth is Shama bias and relationships and Emmet has had the support to run for major couples retreats some of you have been at our retreats and each one is really more phenomenal than the one before it and these retreats focus on Sheldon by eight they focus on parenting and it's really encouraging to me to see so many people come to work on their relationships to be the best spouses and the best parents that they can be I think the true heroes of the Jewish people are those who work on themselves and we constantly strive to be the best that they can be so kazakh brook to all of you my background in addition to being a rabbi i also have a degree in clinical social work and i have the opportunity to give a class to couples before their wedding I've given it about 200 times give or take and it's really one one of the things I look forward to the most and Emin I'm doing one tomorrow morning is is giving this class and helping couples start their relationships on the best way possible and whether you're a newlywed whether you've been married for many years each one of us is working on these issues of so and by its and parenting and hosaka Brooke to all of you I'm now gonna give it to the moderator will tie the true this is tremendous tremendous honor to be standing here tonight with such a clash of a panel I'll be honest with you I'm not quite sure why I'm even needed for this you have three experts in the field of shell and bite in parenting so I feel like I'm really like like an added addition it's really a car not necessary but then you know I realized that maybe they wanted to have things fair and balanced we have currently without me you would have to Ashkenazi me once validate and you would have the to us cuz you always the finding the women you know that's how it is so they wanted to get another safari guide to have it you know a little equal apps but there's a lot of really hope this is gonna be a beautiful event to give people his look in area like I wouldn't work said that that is immediately look at all times shall abide in today's generation is is unfortunately wishy-washy many homes and all you need is some good tips and advice to really take yourselves over the top and I'll share with you a quick points a quick story before we hand it over to the next speaker that I heard a while back from from our motion Sternbach he's a he's a big deal it was a time he was once conversing with his rabbi promotion Schneiderman and the young man walks by there mrs. Kotter laughs rabbi I got a massage though ah what happened he said I'm getting married next week give me a bath ha so the rabbi tells him like what well how do you want what about how do you want so give me a background I should have a beautiful marriage which everything should be flowing beautifully I think should be so smooth and everything this having that their ever responded him I'm not giving you a Baha you mean why not look cuz it might but how will work these also think as a beautiful perfect smooth marriage if you want I'll give you a baja that you should overcome the challenges of marriage life you should have the wisdom to say the right things and do the right things that's the book I would give you I'm ever in the rival a bow tie that's about how we all need myself included that we should have the hokhmah to know how to navigate through the different challenges and the purpose of tonight's event is to maybe open up your eyes to different ideas you never thought about the different concepts you never really crossed your mind there's a lot of shame every single one of us should get his look to improve Alaba Shalom bite and hopefully also give the property milk for our children so once again it's a great honor for me to be here and I really hope you'll be able to inspire in one way or another resolution [Applause] next we have rabbi thank you very much shove off to everyone in terms of what to say to couples that are out there in the secular world they compare it to a tea kettle on the fire you put the water into the pot and starts to boil it starts to give off a lot of noise it's very exciting it's very good but once you take it off take it off the fire but on the campus off the fizzle out disgusting cold so the second little world that's what they compare marriage it's all exciting in the beginning it's all passion it's all love and then after a while it just starts to fizzle out but hurt something even better you want to make the tea so you grab for the little tea bag and the tea bag is really cute comes in a little package smells good and then you open it up and you see there's some strings attached to the whole thing and before you know it you don't use soap into hot water and after a while it doesn't make any more sense but that's the secular view of what marriage is all about and for us and we look at the behind community in beyond we have the rabbi's that are here to teach us the correct way what is the Torah want from us what does Hashem want in His infinite wisdom when he decided that man and woman should get married to each other if he asked anybody it's set up for disaster and you see the world out there today 50% plus divorce rate and so on and so forth and within the community itself it's it's taking its toll but we have understand that the Torah is timeless the Torah has the answers and the Torah has the guidance that we need if I can call Robert Cavazos Israel he says and zhuge low boots laughs yes low mudras it's at the fact that they have couples that are not successful in their married life it's because they're not educated enough to understand he says and he claims I can take any man or woman teach them what they need to know about married life and they'll be able to have a happy life together with each other I truly believe that if you have the correct education you have the right mentors you have the right guidance in your life you'll be able to succeed in your married life in bachata showmanship is okay to have the wonderful marriages that we're supposed to have and we should have and be the examples for our children or to raise them in the right way but the shrimp thank you by the way if you have questions please send them up with they're not signed so we don't know what's from you they're just gonna randomly no one will know so probably your spouse okay next we have one of my favorite rabbis he actually trains key rabbis for over me to make sure that they are most effective on campus he also has his own website called Shabbat comm that reaches is it millions yet but not yet getting close to getting close to being Facebook's number three challenger rabbi class go okay I'm sure good evening I'll be quick it's a tremendous honor to be here I've spoken about Gabriel many times and as a rabbi Ruttenberg my dear friend as said there is a warmth that Beth Gabrielle has that's unique there's a warmth that Emmet has brought to the community and the partnership with Emmet and the amazing organization Kazak together it's just so beautiful to see as is Torah anytime so there's a lot of a lot of power going on over here a lot of influence let me let me be very honest about marriage and it's it's tough to hear this but it's so you're gonna hear a lot of advice tonight and it's easy to give advice it's hard when it hits home you find that sometimes you'll have rabbis to speak about kids at risk and they'll teach you how to make sure your kids don't go off to Derick but then they have themselves a kid or two off the deck and they say rabbi we'll all the advice you give everyone about yourself and the answer is as because I'll tell us in college Montezuma baseless room it's very hard for a prisoner to get himself out of prison so I can stand here and give you ideas advice from Crizal guidance but sometimes when I'm faced with a challenge in my own marriage I get stuck I'm happy Tom how can I give you advice if in my own marriage I sometimes mess up on the very things that I'm telling you the answer is because it's easy to your advice but when it becomes very personal and if you only know my husband if you only know my wife you'd see it doesn't really apply because we're different we're special he's unique in maybe not such a good way so the best I can tell you is like this marriage is something that you have to be always on guard always vigilant and the moment you're not vigilant is the moment your marriage begins to dissipate kalila you always have to be on guard not a once a day but many many times each day and understanding that it's tough an understanding that whenever you here tonight will be helpful and you're gonna store it in the back of your mind but whether time comes and your husband or your wife didn't speak to you nicely or did something that you weren't pleased with it could be the advice that you hear now is that gonna be the first thing that comes to your mind because you're deep in it so I'm hoping that besides all the advice that we hear just the idea that you have to be vigilant and you have to be on guard at least that you should take away from this session and then if you're on guard then maybe the little advice that were able to give you will come and we'll rescue you thank you very much [Applause] [Music] the audience more attention everyone's gonna get around 90 seconds to answer it and as the moderator I get to introductive I feel like it so that's the fun part of this job that's I drove in from New Jersey before we start I just want to like thank you most of you know I was in the hospital for about a week two weeks ago and with a with a skin infection that got out of hand and I know a lot of you guys and girls were dabbling for me and I really I know it really even my recovery so just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart and let's start we're going to start hopefully with a light question and remember there's gonna be shelling biased questions and some parenting questions as well okay okay here's the first question I feel that I'm more religious than my spouse what can I do to get them on board whether that's keeping Shabbat covering their hair dressing more modestly whatever it is just generally that was the I guess religion is always a tough a sticky subject between the couples a lot of times the question is when your first were going out when you decided to get married to this individual what level were they holding by did you know that they were on a different level than you to begin with or you're both on the same level and things start to change after you got married so that always plays an important part that to me so you married me this is who I was this is who I am and why don't you accept me it was fine then why is it a problem now when things do change over time it's never easy because the other person has to be willing to accept upon themselves religion whether it's keeping Shabbat or for a woman to dress more so new or hair of those when to get up early to go to dampening or to learn so it's always a challenge but the main thing is to remember you can never force religion on another individual it has to be done with patience at with time and to have the proper guidance if they if you push them motivate them encourage them to want to grow or to give them at least an opportunity to have a support group or to go to classes of the shoe room or to show but they have all the people that can influence them as well so sometimes you can say the same thing over and over and over again and it doesn't hit home but I mean somebody else says something all of a sudden oh this this person told me something and I know and I've been telling this all the time how come you don't get it so sometimes it doesn't have to come from you it has to come from somebody else from a third party or offensive to understand it but the main thing to remember is don't force it don't be upset accept them for who they are and just like even for yourself the religion aspect of it doesn't happen overnight it took time it was a process in terms of when you got to that point so give them an opportunity as well and work with them be patient with them try to learn with them or give them the opportunities that they should have the support group or other people to try to help them and to help them grow as well my class go this is actually not a debate but you can rebut it so obviously I I agree with what the rabbi Ribicoff have said certainly forcing somebody to take on the forum around that you have chosen probably won't resonate with your spouse I want to tell you a little story I just got a call from a lady and she had gotten into breslav Torah which means she was very Pacific on dancing and a sham melodies all dancing she just loved that car well yeah and she felt that her husband who's very young al ecologist he he goes to Dava and he does what he needs to do but it's missing the simcha he's missing that the joy that she makes him crazy with you're missing the joy you must at he and and it's tearing them apart she says how can I make him feel the joy I want him to feel the same joy and I've said how do you know he's not feeling that joy who says that the way you have chosen to be over - em is the only way meaning like this obviously if there are certain things that one one side the husband or wife tries to grow in and you know whether Jewish much about the kashrut you want your spouse to grow as well but we all grow in different things for this man holla how was his way of serving a Shem and it wasn't the dancing of the singing and even worse the way that she would say it in he felt judged and when you judge somebody and I'll tell you this for women especially when you judge men men don't like it because man having egos that sometimes go too far but it's true and we don't like a little outta hand men don't like to feel judged and scrutinized and you have to be very with a lot of haha - to get people to grow and if there are value then maybe what you're working on now is beautiful and it's working for you but maybe your man is growing in something different maybe is giving more stuck ah maybe it's been careful in the Shannara and you can help them grow you can model it but just be aware number one don't come off as judgmental because that's the surest way to make sure that they're not going to follow the the path that you are choosing and number two understand that if you married somebody who is a half decent person they're growing in their way and you have to value how they're growing not just the way that you feel you need to grow I promise I'm not gonna interject them every question but I'm just gonna interject here because this was the first question ever posed to me I was married for almost a year and my wife and I had a friend that was married for like even less than that and she said that she wanted her husband to learn Torah and he wasn't learning and she didn't know what to do so she asked my wife and I and you know just I wanted like my wife to respect me a sub size like Hashem please help me come up with a good answer so I looked at her and I said have you tried Dominic to Hashem for she's like oh no I never thought about them like well let's try good how can a chef say no you want your husband to be more religious out there you want your wife to be more observant do so Mormons both it's good how could a chef say no to that so you know she Dobbin and boy did he start to learn okay next okay let's a lot of these questions are very similar which is good so even if we don't answer your exact question I'm sure you can figure it out okay here's a good question husband is working and making a decent average salary wife is working full-time as well they have three kids they are in daycare with the nanny wife comes home exhausted and wants to stop working husband wants her to continue to work just as the family can a husband obligate his wife to continue to work now Wow see we took the gloves off right away okay so that's a really really great question and I find that that question is one of the most common questions that couples have whether they're asking the question or not asking the question and I think this question is particularly an important question because very often we grew up in homes where let's say our mothers did not work and we have a certain picture in our mind of what a mother should be doing and although we're all intelligent and sometimes this can actually happen to the most intelligent people can do the stupidest things right and I actually had a conversation with a neighbour of mine going back a few years ago who was upset about here the husband was upset that his wife was not having dinner ready as she used to and then I ask you a few questions and basically the wife had just started working full-time before she had working just a little bit she was working full-time and she was getting home look around six o'clock 6:30 and the husband was getting home at around 7 o'clock and he was expecting basically the same supper to be ready as if she wasn't working and this is an intelligent person but somehow it didn't compute in his mind that she's in a different situation now than she was before it was such a given like you know you turn on the sink and water comes out so wife cook supper this is done laundry is done this is done that's done and the reality is when you have two people working in a home it changes things it's not so simple and quite frankly it could be than in many situations it's better not to have two people working full-time now we could get into the whole discussion of the cost of living here in New York but it's extremely high and all the different expenses and whether it's housing expenses or whether it's the the tuition expense or whether we're talking about the wedding expense and I'm not talking about for the couple that's getting married there's there's tremendous amount of expenses and it's tremendous amount of stress on families and my my answer to this although we could talk about this I could talk about say the length but my answer in short is there's one thing which has to do with the obligation from the ketubah of a husband and wife to each other but there's another thing which has to do with common sense you know we say this four sections of the shotgun are oak and the fifth one it's common sense using your haha using your dad and very often arguments and fights and disagreements break out in areas that don't need to come up break out but if we would just be more understanding and realized that the dynamic here is different from where you grew up and therefore it has to be treated differently so many so many problems could be averted and I'll just end with saying that often I find the arguments get so quickly out of hand when it's so not necessary where a husband might say you're not doing this to his wife and it'll come across as an attack and she might respond with why do you think I have to be doing this and it can quickly quickly escalate to something which is very very problematic and if they'll both look at the situation from the side of we're both in this together we're both trying to build a family together the the situation could be to be escalated very quickly madam in Europe can a husband obligate his wife to work I'm gonna preface this answer with really uh a basic introduction which I really miss before that I don't think every answer we give tonight is applicable to everyone's individual case we're just giving general answers and obviously certain cases you may have to sit down with your rough to really get the final shock but when it comes to working I remember Heidi I read be in the Shiva I mean where does I think I'm in shelita he's always tell us as follows do you make money to live or do you make or do you live to make money do you make money to live you live to make money most people here in America they live to make money you know the Jewish Way is I got to make money to live I got to cover my costs my rank my tuition the food whatever expenses I have so so when you have a shot at dad the woman should she work should she now worked the husband wants her she doesn't want this is a very subtle question that the two have to really sit down and weigh the pros and cons I myself had a situation in my own house my old car every we sat down we discussed we even had some guys in this matter to figure out what is the proper approach to make sure a we have the property look in the house and B to make sure able to survive financially so like why Rudin Berg said I think you know there has to be some sort of basic understanding apply already's and knowing what is most important in this home what do you guys need what is not needed and and I met do this in partnership I don't think I have someone the clue was a certain obligation a man has certain obligations woman has but end of the day communication can lead to proper results if they sit down and discuss the pros and cons and logically and and respectfully I think they could get to some sort of conclusion where maybe she just have to work a full day maybe a little less maybe he could drop a little from his job so she could work a little bit more but every day they have to take the big picture their family it's a count we're making this decision and not just thinking about oh we want to have this dream house so we want to have this dream vacation every single here I'm promising not gonna really answer but this question gets asked me a lot I always say the same thing okay I'm just a thought have you ever seen a rich guy whose wife works that's what I thought okay next question and I know who this question is perfect for cuz he's gonna tell us how his wife did it after a long day of taking care of the kids how do I manage to still keep a smile on my face when my husband comes home from work father of 11 children rabbi Glasgow how did your wife do so how does my wife smile when she sees me I travel a lot so she doesn't see me most nights on that home I'm on the road what that's a secret the real truth is my wife knows that it's important that when we see each other we're not fetching and complaining oh so tired I see couples to do that all the time but their their conversations are all about how tired they are you know no telling that and I what's hurting you and it's just someone healthy so if my wife knows I'll be home that night I'm back from the road she always makes sure to take a nap during the day never take a nap during the day right there's usually some time the kids are asleep or they're there at they're in school you take a nap you're a little bit refreshed now I don't know if my wife is gonna watch this maybe she will some night she's just exhausted and you know what I get it we have 11 kids thank God though some are now married but my wife runs a very big big ship and big Shabbat sand lot a lot going on so I don't expect my wife to be grinning smiling every time she sees me I don't expect that however there's a difference between not so you're not smiling with that kind of open smile and that's like a grouch so you don't act like a grouch because you don't want your interaction with your spouse to be a negative one because negative interactions build up on other negative interactions and they create bad memories you want each interaction to be a positive one but if somebody is tired so my wife's disease I'm tired all day long throws like a coffee was like good coffee and I always say yes because that's the halacha so I always say yes to coffee and when I see her I say we'd like a tea which like to lie down and we're always looking out for each other so doesn't have to be smiles all the time but there always has to be compassion I think we're just gonna leave it with that that's a great answer okay here here we have this question is just is amazing.just even asked the question if husband I'm glad this anonymous if husband gives all the effort and the wife is still not happy how should the man approach the situation rabbi really call if the husband gives all the effort and his wife is still not happy how should the man approach the situation I wonder with robotic wife good right he's doing all this effort the effort is based on whose judgment if the husband is doing his best effort that's what he feels is the right thing to do but it might not be what the wife wants or needs and therefore he's wasting his time but he's not hitting the mark because he's not addressing the problem of the wife this is a famous author who came up with what's called the five love languages I definitely recommend if I we want to read it and understand it that everyone has their own love language that they need in their life and everyone is different so the promise you have is that if you think that your love language is whether it's caring behaviors or touch or whatever it is so you judge the other person based on what you need want for your own love language about things that you want done to you so therefore you think that the other person wants that same thing you cannot use yourself as the barometer to understand what the other person wants based on what it is that you want you have to learn what is the other person wants and needs and that's our job and as a guy you know that the woman there they're not very open in terms of expressing what they want what they need they just want to see if the guy is is listening every once in a while I'm paying attention at times when she drops a little hint so this is what she wants does he get it or not and ever you ever understand that that part of the marriage game will say is trying to nitpick the other person's brain to try to understand what is that they want and they need and our job over time without the shame that the other person should at least encourage and help other person understand what they want because otherwise you know he's doing he feels frustrated that I'm trying so hard but it's not really getting anywhere so the main thing is as was mentioned before in terms of communication sitting down try to understand each other and try to take the opportunity to try to understand other person better in order for you to be able to give to them and not just do whatever you want and think is the right thing to do five long languages are must read Levenberg if husband same questions we get some answers the husband gives all that verb and wife is still not happy how so to pick to piggyback on what I really have just said very often we put the effort in what we think is effort but it's not what the other person needs and we have a tendency like every book I've mentioned with the five love languages expecting others to be exactly like us even though logically we know that that's not the case and when we talk about effort in marriage so much of the effort is in the thought in the care in the facial expressions you know we say 80% of communication is nonverbal which means that you could be making a lot of effort but somehow your body language is coming across like you don't really want to be there and sometimes it's subconscious that's we have to get to the therapist you know it's in the deep subconscious but our body language comes across in ways less often different than what we actually think that we're doing and I think it's important to keep that in mind I'll share a very quick story that I share with couples that just touches on the idea of effort and this was a couple that my wife and I had the opportunity to learn with before their wedding and it goes back like probably all close to a decade ago and the wife the the fiancee the caller getting married in about three weeks and she says to my to my wife she says you know my husband had like my fiancee hasn't said I love you to me yet is that a problem and she's like I know that he loves me but he hasn't said those words so I was learning with the katana and the next week I asked him I said he's a very bright guy he's working in Wall Street and a very nice person and I said to him I said you know just curious have you bought your wife flowers your fiancee flowers and he says no should I so I was getting getting the feeling that something is a little bit roll-off and then I said what about write her a card and he's like no so I challenged him and I said listen it's Thursday night for this Shabbat buy her flowers write a little card it doesn't make a difference what it says and give it to her before Shabbat and I said I'll follow up if you want to Shabbat to see that you did it I called multi Shabbat and he says to me goes rabbi you're not gonna believe what happened we went to the floors to finalize the arrangements for the wedding and the florist gave her flowers I didn't have to do it like like like okay we're okay we got we got a problem here houston we have a problem right so so I dug a little bit deeper and I asked him I said has she has she ever written you a card and he said to me a card he's like she wrote me a 30 page letter of all the dreams and that she has for our marriage and all she was very emotionally expressive and he wasn't so emotionally expressive but they made a very nice couple and I explained to him something which i think is very important for all marriages which is that I told him if you write the silliest little thing on a little card that just says the word love somewhere there it just says something nice it's gonna be gold to her because she knows that this is something that's not so easy for you to do and I think when we think about effort sometimes we don't we have to think about what does my spouse need what is what exactly talks to them and very often effort is not the thing that makes you sweat it's not it's like it's like we say it's not about working harder it's about working smarter awesome so I'm gonna give a shameless plug we have an excellent this is this is for the guys but ladies you will benefit we have an excellent program every Wednesday night for ma I hope she book we have a lot of grass I love runs it misshapes there I'm there Yahoo was there was a huge group in the back and we start off for the married guys in the program they shall abide class and taught by me and we feed them once you feed the husband they're already happy and I give them different role by pointers in one week we end assignment the assignment was to write a card to your wife saying all the things you appreciate about her now once I once everyone agreed to do it the wives were first of all shocked and one husband said his wife was in tears so I told them you better write this more often so anyone who wants to join us 8:15 8:45 every Wednesday at the public eye be Shiva for the husband's class and then we have learning from 8:45 to 9:45 okay next question we're going to do a parenting question make sort of an easier one here I don't want to put anyone on the spot too much how do we teach our children to respect Shabbat how do we make the Shabbat table enjoyable and how can we make the children sit there and listen during kiddush and not throw things at each other when it comes to respecting that just about respecting parents these things don't just happen overnight I always tell people when a father needs to demand respect from the kids that means he is unfortunately lowering himself right to get something that they think he probably doesn't deserve when their mother's demanding you know what I do for you when she starts screaming you better do this now clean up do that it's lowering herself you were to get respected the kids I want to give her so LMI what's a proper approach to get the proper respect for the parents the father should be praising the mother to the children no your mother does she wakes up in the morning and she does this and she cooks and she does that and she does this now the father is giving over compliments about the mother and as well the mother comes over to the kids about their father you know how great your father is how hard he works what he does to make sure you have the food on the table and the toys and this and that what happens is they're gaining respect for the other parents through the other parents and it's coming in a very subtle fashion in a very beautiful fashion now when it comes from its vote Shabbat kaduche and and the other marriage that he was discussing you have to realize the father is seeing that the Shabbat table all grumpy where is this where is that why he's not ready come on let's go let's get things moving then the kids see Shabbat as a annoying part of the week when the father's always complaining the mothers always rushing she's always frustrated but if the parents coming to Shabbat and that is huge smile they feel all positive and they're and they're making out to be an exciting thing okay everyone let's go because that sings and you're gonna have candies next to you like I have I don't spoil the kids too much you have Twinkies whoever says things the best gift Twinkies don't be one hand that's a you know sour sticks in that very something very simple gets them excited and we're all singing together and we'll all have to answer but foolish Ramon I meant to certain by heart and an answer to everyone you're making it is some sort of exciting atmosphere next thing you know they wanna cooperate they want to be part of it and they won't be sitting on the couch during kidoh she'll be sitting on the table during kiddos because you see there's something additional that's gonna come out of it besides just some ritual it's an exciting ritual the whole family gets together to do to do as one so they answer all five questions you fill in five in a row yes okay how about a classic oh here's a lively Shabbat it's described - about usual Shabbat first ribbon how do we teach our children to respect about and how do we make the Shabbat table more joyful okay so so you I guess people know your that we do a big Shabbat each week and we have we cut it down we used to have 100 people Plus each week we've actually cut it down according to Ruben Feinstein who told us to lower it so we're down to about 70 a week so we're small now - I don't next week you'll be bigger but I want to tell you something that is so beautiful to understand it's a Torah idea and it'll help you make Shabbat beautiful for your family and this is important because I've heard from kids who have gone off to Derick that they haven't kept Shabbat in months or years that they kalila hate Shabbat they hated growing up with Shabbat and how does one do it so we have inside of us a child and an adult it's a child and an adult and the adult enjoys certain things and the child enjoys certain things adults enjoy building things and adults enjoy working towards a cause adults also enjoy an honor sort of dogs enjoy what our kids enjoy kids enjoy instant gratification and instant pleasure that's not bad that's what children do now you can't let a child only enjoy instant things cuz that'll eat candy and cake all day and every vegetables so you don't just allow kid to have instant gratification but we have inside of us a child and the child needs to be spoken to and we can connect the child's enjoyment to all midslope including Shabbat let me give you an example on art at our Shabaab table so I'm gonna take a launch right before lunch every every Shabbat before lunch we have a gala kiddush in my house and we serve tequila not for the kids and we've got different kinds of cheesecake and we got all sorts of other cake and we've got herring for those who are more Casa dish we have lots and lots of meats delicious wines and someone will say that Shabbat that's not spiritual it's not routine ute that just gosh mute but you know what the child inside of us will connect gosh mute with relieved you know where we know this from it says there's some October hagatha you should be happy with your card and cuz I'll fellas aim simcha Ella Babar survey on how would you become a happy eating meat and drinking wine really that's that's real cute the answer is yeah if we make it fun for our children with the gosh mute like the rabbi was saying you have the sour sticks and you've got the cakes and you've got the treats so then they'll connect that in their minds to rock mute like Pavlov's dog like oh gosh Shabbos cereal Shabbos nosh on the streets Shabbos Shabbat it's beautiful it's wonderful I want to say one more thing and I'll finish with that that's just in general how to make Shabbat wonderful for your children don't ignore the treats don't ignore the guys from you the second thing I'll tell you is we have a custom in our own because we have so many people I want to make sure my kids don't lose out and I actually saw this by Rabbi Orla with my oral or do this and I we've been doing this and it's so wonderful which is at the end of every Shabbat meal I'll stay a few minutes with the guests and then I'll say to my guests goodbye you remember that right I said goodbye to all my guests and all the guests they were just there - for Shabbat all the guests they stay down or they schmooze that we put out not and I take all the kids up to my bedroom every Friday night and they all sit on my bed and we tell stories and we sing songs and they make little plays and they jump up and down and hours hours until I like fall asleep in the middle and it's special time with the parents on Shabbat so no man I saw the rabbi or Allah would do this at the end of the meal he goes to the living room instead of taking out a homage or a safer he sits on the couch and the kids run around and do flips and tricks and they feel ah Shabbat is when I get my parents attention my parents are so busy all week so treats during that to a meal of course the excitement as well very much agree it's gotta be exciting and treats and you have to enjoy it and you can't fall asleep in the middle of the meal and you always have to put in a hundred and ten percent of your heart into the Shabbat sometimes I see people doing kaduche [Music] now per se take it on kids you could sing it up let your voice out but people feel that your kid not feel that the Angels have come dance with them in the room treshelle on my life and like we do that we dance shall on my life and we dance in front of them let it be exciting like like we're like it was said but also at the end of the meal at the end of the meal take some time for your children if you have younger children don't be quick to go to sleep don't be quick to pick up a newspaper don't be quick just spend time with your kids they're gonna connect that also having guests I know about 78 of them but having guests is a great way to get everyone to pay attention so if you have an opportunity have some people definitely do it okay next question is my spouse seems to spend more time with this technology as my phone is ringing my spouse seems to spend more time with technology with me what can I do about it wow that's an easy one turn it off right this is one question that I can say that every person who I know is struggling with this every single person we live in a time with technology has literally taken over our lives and just to piggyback on Shabbat I think if it wasn't for Shabbat I don't know how anyone does it without Shabbat honestly so at least we have that one day without technology and one of the advices advice that I would give is take advantage of Shabbat because of Shabbat so we will show my Shabbat we're not tempted by the technology so make sure that at least on Shabbat you're giving your spouse and your children the proper attention and this comes with planning you know to give our spouses attention to give our children attention but I've learned in my own life and sometimes the hard way is it comes with planning properly ahead it doesn't just happen we need to have times when we're not using our phones at all we have to have times when we're giving full attention to our spouse to our children and in order to do that I really believe and like I said before I'm struggling with this myself you need to plan ahead and for example as clásico said sometimes Shabbat is a day that people end up sleeping a lot more than they would sleep the rest of the week but if we want to connect with our family whether it's our spouse or our children we can't go into Shabbat super tired because we need to be able to be attentive to those who really care about on Shabbat but in general technology is extremely extremely challenging and thank you everything for everything you do the its technology is extremely challenging and I think it's very very important that we make it a priority to set limits to set limits on technology and to to try our best to make sure that we're paying attention to our spouses properly there's studies that they've been doing more and more studies today on because smartphones although these seems like they've been around forever are only really about a decade old in America and just now major studies are coming out of the powerful powerful impact that the cellphone has on our minds and let alone the radiation which is potentially an issue but they there's a tremendous amount of studies now that are showing that the connection to seeing our cellphones is similar if not stronger than heroin like the addiction the cell phone addiction to wanting to see who texted me who what's that mean how many messages do I have and if we think about how strong that is we all know that heroin amongst other drugs destroys marriages destroys families and destroys life technology is doing the same thing in many many ways and although it's a great car technology is a great strength that can be used to bring people together and you can text a hundred people for a share and you can do amazing amazing things with technology like anything very powerful it can be used for the good and it can be used for the bad and I think we have to be very very cognizant and aware of how strong this is I saw a study that the average person and I have a feeling that many of us are better than average in this which is not a good thing touches our cell phone close to 3,000 times a day okay so let's be careful I just on a personal note when I felt like there's two things I do first of all I purposely turn off my cell phone in front of my wife and kids when I come home and saying like I'm with you you know and that's like very powerful does anyone know how to turn their cell phone off yes I'm sure that that's the first thing I did and I a so it's still not where I want it to be so this is a bold move but I got rid of the internet from my phone I'm the only thing on this basically I'm an average Joe I've got rid of the internet from my phone if you could do that it really cuts down your phone time and you really really need your phone you could always get so that's what I did okay there's like I'm not over exaggerating there six or seven questions here about mother laws and guys they're all about your mother none of them were actually address to the female surprisingly so I and I don't want to put any particular rabbi on the spot so I think we're gonna try to make all of them answer this question so all the I'm gonna come but I'm going to combine the answers now so I you know whatever if you're like American Ashkenazi you may not even like so what we're gonna have them answer to just to be fair so I'm gonna try to combine the questions together but basically it stems from two or three things one is my husband is still very attached to his mother and to my mother lost says things to me that I don't appreciate and my husband does not defend me okay so if any now girls if you can subtly get your mother-in-law to watch Torah anytime you say hey I went to the screen event you may want to watch me it may or may not work okay so you got those two questions gonna go we're gonna start with revenue Europe and go all the way down so one my husband is still very attached to his mother which is not necessarily a bad thing keep it up being but and the second question is my mother-in-law says things to me they're inappropriate my husband is not defending the kegel be honest my wife sent you that question no names anyways so the first question was that my husband's too close to his mother yes too attached to his mother you know they say that not all mama boys are created equally expected what that means I said it's refer for quite some time there's many reasons why a mother's attached to her son and you really have to try to analyze and see what the quad is in your relationship sometimes you could have a mother that her husband was never there for her cousin Shalom and she was basically raising the kids on her own and she was doing things on her own and they came along that one son that became her her husband quote/unquote when they came to taking care of things at home he was there changing the light bulbs and moving this around and moving that around doing the shopping so what happens is that she kind of connected to him as her go-to guy and let's have in her alive when that son gets married she forgets to let go of him except that that's one cause another quartz can be maybe because that the son himself was very unstable as a youngster he was always he needed that emotional support that love from his mother he was always coming to her and he was always maybe not succeeding in certain areas in life so she always gave him that warmth in that hug and that connection continues beyond marriage as well certain cases maybe the mother the mother really is a very tough cookie and she's very demanding a very controlling could be all the above so the first thing you have to really do is is see what this force is you know that connection could be a legitimate connection that connection could be something that is real and you have to do pick off my if I got to talk to him and see what the real reason is and that just look to insult him and say oh no you marry me well you guys go live with her you know leave me alone you have to be extra sensitive because you never know what to what the cause is so that's that's number one you got it yeah the dissect and see what the underlying reason is and try to maneuver your way around it properly and professionally the setting apart was not again my mother-in-law says inappropriate things to me I think the night is over no 10 o'clock so I think you just take it down take it in but something goes wrong I'll just tear it down you know anyways so that is a very sensitive topic unfortunately here there's a lot dealing with about three couples a day l'Italia many of the problems we have in our community is this issue of mother was being aggressive either with their daughter and was or yes sometimes with their star laws as well how does that happen and that's something that is a very sensitive topic then you need a tremendous amount of Kakuma to be able to navigate around it with this being said unfortunately I've seen numerous times over the past 12 13 years that certain mother was her father was for that matter that's that just picking mother was that are what they are what they are and it's almost like you're talking to the wall you can't change him it is what it is and sometimes the couple the husband and wife they're experiencing this issue must support each other she has to tell his wife listen I got your back I know you're right but this is a losing battle you know and and the more I talk to her it gets worse isn't listening you know you should know that we're there once in a while whether it's for Shabbat or a holiday or a Sunday whatever it is you know we'll just swallow it up just for Shallon buy purposes but you should know she's 100% wrong I'm on your side I believe in you I support you and so on and so forth this doesn't always work every single case like I said has to be dealt with accordingly sometimes because everyone gets all emotional about their mothers you may need to sit down with your rabbits in with your rabbi with the marriage therapist just to make sure you guys do the right thing because if cosford sure we do the wrong thing and their mother-in-law or father walk gets aggressive and starts interfering things could get very very tricky you know there's a famous thing that big humility to say if there was a ten commandments of marriage life thank you the marriage the marriage life what would be number one he said number one would be not to ever ever ever get your in was involved with issue the problems or even get them cuz it'll trigger to start an issue so you have to be very sensitive very very sensitive to keep in mind that mother and father-in-law raise your child was there for them pamper them so much money doctor visits all the stress so as much as they're insulting you and they're 100 percent wrong if they're doing it the husband and wife must support each other and and find some sort of solution internally to make sure if things don't go out of handcuffs at home I think by this point I don't have to ask you now anyway so this is an issue that's not just an Ashkenazi issue is an issue that for everyone and I had a couple ones that came to me for counseling and they basically could not agree about anything except that the mother-in-law was at fault but they disagreed about which mother-in-law and these issues these issues are very intense I'll just quickly say to two points one very often as Rebecca go mentioned and the question mentioned a wife can feel that her husband is too close to his mother I find this particularly an issue if by mistake you married a nice guy okay because then the guys who aren't such nice guys they don't have such a problem with this but it's the guys who really care and are really nice people that very often feels stuck and sometimes it's more of an issue with the oldest son sometimes it's more of an issue with the youngest son but the issue is the guy feels stuck he feels like if I make one step to the left my wife says you're mama's boy if I make one step to the right my mother says you're a traitor to me and they feel stuck and what do people do often when they feel stuck they blame their wife for making a problem with their mother they blame their mother for making a problem with their wife and they go hang out with their friends and this is not this is not the the right solution the right is is a husband this is something that I teach in the class I gives the couples before the wedding a husband has to know that his first and foremost priority is his wife now it doesn't mean that he doesn't have a mitzvah Cuba Devane doesn't have a mission what you respect his parents but his first responsibility is is to his wife and with Kozma with intelligence we can figure out a way to make sure that both the mother and the wife feel that they're taken care of first and foremost we have to accept that we're not going to make everybody happy all the time that's a recipe for disaster and it takes a certain amount of class ma example let's use an example couples married for two years and a mother who lives a few blocks away calls at 10:30 at night and the couple was gonna go to sleep soon and the mother says my boy whatever she calls him some sweet name for him and she says Sasha come on please my the light in the hallway broke you're the only one you're so tall you're the only one who can fix this light you don't want your mother to fall right and she mentions on the side and also you I haven't seen you in a few days you know and what is he supposed to do so the worst possible thing he can do is say I love to cover my wife won't let me go that's that's that that's the worst thing you can do the smart thing to do is to unless she's literally in a second and the danger is he should say listen I'm very tired it's hard for me to come tonight but I'll come tomorrow right after work or I'll come tomorrow before I go to work and the idea is is that he has to go tomorrow if he doesn't go tomorrow then he's in big trouble but if he goes tomorrow chances are everything is gonna be okay when I tell couples is 95 or hope maybe even more maybe 98% of parents want more than anything else that their children should be happy even their in-laws even those they want they want their children to be happy and if they're from the 2% that don't want their children to be happy they need help send them to a therapist to find a good therapist but you can't do anything about that and if also if they want you to be happy people respect people who respect themselves and finally I'll just say to what Rebecca goes I'm sorry I think to Rebecca go mentioned also I find or made I think after many years mention it I find that couples very often subconsciously maybe not on the conscious level if this if they're not feeling so close to their spouse they may not directly tell their parents to get involved but they give messages that the showing bias isn't so strong and that actually encourages the parents to get involved and sometimes I've actually witnessed this where children will get the parents involved because it's safer to make them the enemy than to make them self the enemy so the stronger you can have shown by it with your own spouse the stronger your marriage is your relationship is you almost can be protected fully from this issue the kaeleen and the Otomo a classic case and when i teach the head time classes i definitely bring it up so I'll give you a brief what I tell the guys before they get married what to expect in the married life and they should understand even the Gemara says that the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law not for everyone but there is there is a total war that's going on over there between the mother-in-law and the wife the mother raised up the child pregnant giving birth sleepless nights he is what he is today because of the mother she fed him she clothed him she took care of him and also his little girl comes around wraps her mother's little finger and wishes him off and takes care of him and and she knows how to take care of my son Imani I know how to make his eggs I know to fold up his laundry I don't take care of his bed no I I know I'm gonna take care of it she doesn't know anything I need to teach her and unfortunately they grew up in that in that society that mentality where their mother not took care of them and the little broom and she taught her how to take care of it but it doesn't really work today in America so I tell the guy is the hardest question you'll have to deal with in life is having to choose between your mother and your wife it's Thursday afternoon your mommy calls I join up how are you how's everything how's it going it's been a long time since been to our house with Shabbat what do you say you guys come over for Shabbat we'll have a nice dinner together or get together you know the family we miss you and the guy of course wants to get away once to go visit mommy but it's a nice guy listen wait okay I I you know I really want to come but let me check with my wife let me get back to you we'll call back no worry for me I'm waiting for you I'll make sure it's a yes my backtick he comes home all excited join I'm listening you know if the cook tonight from Shabbat listen we're going to our parents house don't worry about everything's taken care of let's go she invited us over everything's fine it's works like I really wanted to stay home I'm tired I'm exhausted that's very nice time together with you a nice candlelit dinner you know just the two of us alone I don't want to go to your parents house what do you do what's the answer so if you think about it we just read last week in partially throw caberta vltava America the Ten Commandments number five its way up there you have to honor the parents you think that what the Torah says you gotta go to your parents house and even the Chicano kid says that the wife has to honor respect her husband's parents because by respecting them she respects her she has to respect him too so you would think that what the Torah says you have to go to show her or says you have to go but what's the right answer the answer is you go you stay home you spend time with your wife so as the guys and I was not possible where does it say in the Torah that show them by Trump's and beats Al and number five of the Ten Commandments how do you know this what is it saying so one guy says you know but his it says in the beginning the bruschetta kenya's well be issued by VV mo but about Beach W what sorrowful a person has to get married yes leave his parents house as the king to his wife become one that's very nice well give me different answer if you want I asked the guys when does your connection with your fiance with your wife begin does it start underneath the hoop on when you put a little ring on the finger doesn't start by the engagement when you give her the engagement ring doesn't start on the first date or doesn't even begin when you make that first phone call to go out with her and every guy will say something else the Hupa first day the phone call okay I said you're wrong there's another answer I didn't tell you you know the door tells us that before you and your wife get married you're one neshama up in the sky you're one so when the time came for you to become born and time came for her to be born a shame classes to shut him up in half and half goes to her and half goes to you you come to the table and then you come to get married together with each other in this world the connection that you have with your wife is even older and stronger than is with your parents how can that be because the Torah tells us there are three parts the creation of a child there's the mother there's a father in a college bar oh cool and the parents give you your physical body and a shim gives you the neshamah your parents bring you into this world if you ask the guy question when does P both of em begin when does it start when you're born they bring you into this world they took care of you the rabbi's explain key Buddha vein comes from the from the idea of Hakata Tov showing goodness and respect and honor and and for all the good that they're done for you they raised you to Caribou the house of the cold it gave me everything I ever wanted and the good time I hurt the least like you do for them it's the honor respect them and the behinds I was saying one father can take care of ten children thanks Ruth I can take care of one father because what a parent does for a child the parent the children never have to pay it back because you give it from your own heart because they're a part of you so therefore your wife comes first your obligation is to her and your first party was mentioned before as well it has to be number one on the list is your spouse number two is maybe the children and everybody else comes afterwards but you have understand it's time to grow up and to understand what the Torah we expect from you that you have to think to your wife and leave the parents alone don't worry about it they'll live the survive can it the question number two one time I had a couple that came over for counseling and they're sitting there and the wife tells me rabbi don't ask what happened last week I said what happened I said we're sitting by his parents house Friday night dinner and the whole family is there and that that that that that that that all attacking me it's the wife talking I said really what was your husband she's like he was right there next to me nothing nothing oblivious to everything I tell the guy what do you want your wife to do if she's gonna get up and answer back to your father they're gonna put a big X on her and your life is over with her she disrespected the parents god forbid she never be heard of she can't say really say anything that's where you come in as I was mentioned before you have to be the one to get up and to stick up for your wife if each took a goof or if you don't feel that your wife is an extension of you she is a party but she is your other half then you have a problem because although you can answer back to your parents because they'll accept it from you it's okay if it comes from you and there's a way to deal with it and if it doesn't end you can get up and say you know what guys if it's not going to stop an end we're gonna get up and leave that's okay you can do that she can't so it's your responsibility to make sure that you stick up and defend your wife because that's what she wasn't also she needs of course there has to be boundaries between the in-laws and the couple okay it's very difficult sometimes for the wife because of the way the dynamics in society is set up with the behind community so we have understanding how to play the game properly you have to get you why your husband on board to make sure that he understands his responsibilities and it's not a disrespect to the parents by you sticking up for your wife I understand if you need to have your space in your own time they can't just walk in whenever they want they can't just do whatever you want they can't just say whatever they want it's your responsibility as the husband to make sure that you're together with your wife and as a conservative effort as a team you'll be able to overcome everything we all assumed you'd be so fat that everything should work out as well okay I'll be very quickly they pretty much said what it had to be saying when I share with you a beautiful little diverter it says caution zebu gone shallow them crazy a mess of it is as hard for God this is hard fresh em to make a see book like splitting the sea so I always used to think that's a strange comparison because when you make is evoke when you make a match you're putting two things together and when you do create them soup you're splitting two things apart so usually usually the Michelle in the name shall they work the other it is hard to put two people together as it is to split the sea apart so it must be it's not referring to the she Duke but it's referring to them the Shema when it was up in Xiamen it was as hard to split up that one neshama and split them and make them they're two different lives with two different tasks you deem that do not understand where they're supposed to be heading that's it's hard as it is for split to see it's as hard to split one two Shama and of course splitting the sea wasn't there wasn't the only miracle but the miracle was after they left they got put back together and they midstream drowned and also putting the people back together so I'm just piggybacking what you said it the relationship was so tight it was as hard to split I wonder Shama as it is to split the sea I don't have a lot to say about this because first of all I love my mother-in-law in case you're watching I do I mean I mean okay I say I was a two quick things essentially to the mother-in-laws of the world we've already spoken for the sons if you are a mother-in-law back up back up please this is why you want your mother was watching this you the your job that our son gave you was to raise a child to Kupa the job now changed it's a different job it's not the same job and if we are doing what's supposed to make a sham a P what's making our Shem happy now is to take a few steps back and let the couple experience life and mistakes on their own and yeah you know better but that's not your job and I got a very good you know both from my in-laws and my parents that as soon as the kids get married might mention I have a son getting married bizarre that shun next week and of course it's hard and he grew up and we're very close to them the moment they get married and even really engaged my wife and I take ten steps back and we give them all the space that they need and we never call either say well you've got to live in my neighborhood you got to live around the block you're too far away but they want to live in Australia like you've ever looked this is them we enjoyed having our freedom and if we didn't we do not enjoy not having our freedom and we give so this is for the mother-in-law's out there give your kids the space to grow as individuals human beings and for the children please be aware that there is such a thing called an unhealthy relationship and an unhealthy person you could have a healthy person that has an unhealthy relationship and you could have a person who the person themselves is unhealthy and we know as we've grown up and we understand that our parents are not perfect when we're young we think our parents are perfect we're all that we realize they're just they're like us to human beings and they've struggled their struggles and some people even parents on are unhealthy people they're not healthy and while we need to do is we need to move away when we need to make sure that that unhealthiness does not smother what must become a healthy relationship between you and your spouse so don't be upset if a therapist or Rob says you know your parents they did a great job with you but they're not healthy people you need to step away you need to move away it's the best thing you could do the Gemara gives that aid says well miss Africa Duchenne there are times that you just have to move away and not be there and have the unhealthiness poison what needs to be healthy relationship is relationship okay do we have time for one more question all right the crowds still here okay next question what if it's getting heavier what if your spouse does not find you attractive I know no one wants to answer that so we work together so you can't really get mad at me what is attraction people think of attraction as a physical thing and this is a very big mistake attraction is just as much on the emotional side of the spectrum and the spiritual side of the spectrum as it is to the physical when I teach couples I draw a diagram of a triangle if you picture a triangle with one side being the physical the next side being emotional the third being the spiritual I like to call the meaning the purpose of life and life is made up of these three things intellectual I guess is somehow connected as well but these three things make up life and we tend to think of attraction as being a physical thing but I'll prove to you that it's not physical and the proof is is that when you feel close to your spouse they seem much more attractive then when you're a little distant from them when there's a distance suddenly that pimple on their face looks a lot bigger suddenly then you know if your spouse is is short or taller this or that's something a little bit different it seems more odd and what's the reason for this because our essence as human beings is we have in the Shama we have a soul the connection that we have with our spouse is not purely a physical one or I hope it isn't it's so much more than that it's on the spiritual and on the emotional plane as well and if we realize this then we won't look at attraction as being purely a physical thing and very often when you start feeling that it's because the emotional connection is not where it should be having said that on the physical side it is important for couples to take care of themselves physically and I often tell couples I say a healthy marriage is made up of two healthy individuals and that means that even though you become one when you get married you're still in a way an individual you're a person who has your own needs and you have to take care of those needs you have to take care of your physical needs your emotional needs and therefore be able to be there for your spouse so it's a it's a big topic I'll end with with one other point when when a person when a person says that they're not finding their spouse attractive sometimes sometimes it can come from a deeper emotional psychological issues where they're actually having issues with themself and this is like some deep psychology here and I would recommend that you talk to your local therapist or find a good therapist to discuss this but there's something called projection if that happens and we're basically if a person doesn't feel good about themself they'll project that on their spouse and sometimes what happens is a person doesn't feel attractive themself and therefore they'll start saying I don't find my spouse attractive so you can get a little complicated but maybe I'll share a story I was once visiting someone in the hospital and by the waiting area they had two stacks of magazines piled up one on top of each other and it happened to be that I came across and I noticed it and I saw on on the first magazine on top it showed a picture of a certain Hollywood couple you know smiling you see they're the procedures worth millions of dollars and it says a and B in anyone that would cease with tailors beaucoup that's all I wanted my relationship look at this in Cardiff I'm so beautiful I think perfect now the very next magazine my next to it had a picture of the same exact couple still worth millions of dollars it's only two issues later 1 January 1 did you say March and I had the girl a lightning bolt separating the two of them and it says a and B split up how could he go from from being in love one month then pulling up a short time later LMI there's a famous statement in Hebrew and Laham Ahava yes lamb tava they don't have love they have desires for each other you know this country that we hear today people would see seven oh wow I really love her I want a date or you don't how could you love you don't know who she is you know we're living in a society where the definition of the love has been corrupted where marriage life has been given twisted definitions and that's how I know life it's creeped into our homes as well so I think like where I wouldn't have mentioned love is way beyond the physical obviously when he married him or her there was an attraction forgive my candor she says there has to be an attraction after see after you have to be interested right but what happened later one of the problems is that we we put too much emphasis on the physical and maybe at that triangle that he was discussing before their emotion on the spiritual be neglected and it bear made you start focusing more I'm looking for common goals in a spiritual perspective what do you want to do with your children or you want to be in a year from now in terms of religion what other emotional needs you guys have and work in those matters then you'll see that the physical sites fitting in beautifully as well yes it's true a lot of guys complain to my wife when she goes outside oh-ho she goes to the cleaners she had her makeup and she has this she has that but at home my mouth kylo sure so true like the rabbit matches we have to always keep ourselves as much as possible on top of the game a person has to realize a lot of stress at home both ashamed people working hard this children you can always expect certain things but again the physical is not the definition of attraction hundred-percent definition there's a lot of other elements that we must take into account and if you don't and you feel this problem of Attraction start working on those elements start working on the spiritual and the emotional you'll see better man how much clothes you guys to get to each other one more question first of all so we're gonna end with a parenting question a little bit on the lighter side but still very very important the question is how do I raise and discipline my kids without screaming yelling and God forbid hitting to discipline screaming the problem we have today is that the only way we know how to discipline is by yelling and screaming and hitting is good that's the way we learn from our parents so have it that's how they disciplined us and that's what's been ingrained within us and that's the only way we think is the way to discipline our own children but as we see today that's not the way to go in the days of old you just look at the child and he'll be just be embarrassed put his head down and maybe do other things in his pants but today the kids are they look back at you they'll answer back at you they're a little bit more I would say hooks would take but a little more brazen than they are the days of old so the ways of parenting of old doesn't really work today and other rabbis have said over the years is that the only way to discipline child today is through love with a nice way by not being so hard on them and difficult and disciplining in ways that you have to expose yourself to other methods techniques and strategies that are out there today in terms of how to discipline a child how many mentions me before of it the positive tells us a local Nara P Darko you have to educate the child according to his needs and every child you see within within families that have multiple children every child is different and some show some very obedient and some children are very offensive and you know oppositional and problematic and that's fine and God decided to give you this special child for you to take care of because you and your spouse are the ones they'll be able to educate this child in the best way that's possible of course you have to be an example what it is to be a mansion and a woman in terms of having values and ethics and morals and behaving the right way working in the Shiva you see children that are very angry and also resort to hitting you know what are they learning from I mean you might it might argue they're learning from the TVs from the movies and whatever is out there today but a lot of times are the curse words that they come with and the hitting aspect of it they learn from the parents the phone phone from Danny will say because the kid knows that when daddy gets angry he hit somebody and therefore when I get angry in school so he's gonna bother me I'm gonna hate him because that's what daddy taught me so is that is that the education that you want to give over to your own children so you have to like I said trying to try to learn read up on other methods speak to other rabbis other mentors therapists in terms of understanding the different ways that there are to educate and to discipline the children it doesn't have to be you know losing your temper losing your patience and resorting to hitting it's for yourself as well to learn how to control your anger which is an important aspect for for everyone anger management there's definitely a problem for a lot of couples today and they have to definitely work on it but the kids job is to press your buttons that's what they're here for okay so we have understanded that we don't let them press the buttons and we're the ones that try to discipline in the right way and everybody's okay as well mobilize give me the clarity to understand out there to get the children to raise up a beautiful family as well [Applause] how to discipline children okay actually I'm gonna go against the rules I'm just gonna mention one thing that on the previous question about attraction that is usually not mentioned when you speak about a very holy without in a holy group but I feel like it should be said because it is being recorded and it's yeah schrute it's it's fair which is like this when you got engaged when you got married you were attracted to that person it's not fair to let yourself go after marriage it's just not fair if you and that person were in love with each other with all the that entails it's not just physical attraction but physical attraction was one of the things and then now that you've bagged your man or now that you've gotten the lady you then let yourself go physically and now the person is quote-unquote stuck with you even though now look I did my best unfortunately I meet too many couples who have that attitude and it's not a healthy attitude whatever it is of course we you all grow old and we got wrinkly we lose our hair but to the best of our ability to look so radically different than we did when we were married it's not fair to the person they thought they were marrying something and it's evolved it's it's not you know you have to understand having children can change the person and so on work can change but to a degree okay I hope I'm not out of place saying this but I know it's all in your minds you know something like what you got married to it shouldn't be unrecognizable two years later right knock on something something you know don't let yourselves go plus when you let yourself go usually it's less healthy not more healthy very very rarely as the person come more healthy when you let yourself go it means you're either putting on weight or you're beginning to not shower like you or whatever it is I don't want to say but you have enough for you that's it's possible they oughta must have zero that the person it's it's are you've to look a little something like we did for an extended period of time it shouldn't just okay now I'm married now I don't care anymore it's not nice as far as raising children since I just used half my time with that I will tell you that the Kazakh organization sponsored a Shearer that I gave a few years ago called the ten commandments of raising extraordinary children I believe that turn any time said who it is one of the most watch your room on Terra anytime I want to recommend if you're raising children instead of be giving over this year now you should want to cheer the ten commandments of raising extraordinary children and especially the first about 20 minutes we speak about a concept called the showdown at the end of the day while in principle we can believe in a strong discipline at time the reality is that if we love our children and can show them love that a lot of the discipline goes out their window and what happens is and this is a problem especially with men not so much with limited men we forget that we can physically show love to our kids by hugging and kissing not just when they're babies but when they're seven and eight and nine and ten and there comes a time you should know that your kids feel like they're teenagers and then they pull back or they don't want to be hugged don't let them get away with that keep on hogging them and they stop I don't know I'm I'm the author of the email I need to argue you may feel like it's whatever like you're too grown-up you're never too grown-up for my hugs and kisses and if you show them that love they'll break down they'll feel that connection and there's a fish um you're not gonna have to resort to any kind of violence thank you so before we handed over to Rabbi Bloomberg for the closing remarks I just want to thank everyone for coming up here and a amazingly rainy night and this was really great I learned a lot I took down some notes and I really appreciated what the panel had to say I just want to leave you with a quick thought you know what is good shown by wait does that mean never getting to plate having everything perfect like something happily ever after that you know you don't really see what happens happily ever after no good Shalom bayit means that there's gonna be ups and downs but the couple feels that they're a team and they're putting in full effort and I want to say any one of you that came out a night like tonight to listen to these rabbits talk about show them buy it that's putting in a full effort I know for sure chef is gonna bless you with the amazing show and by thank you Michael you were an amazing moderator thank you great job a few a few important announcements first of all once again a big THANK YOU to Yaniv and miss we hope to do other similar type events outside the box ideas and events together over the coming months if you have ideas please come to my cell for your need and share them with us I just want to share about a few upcoming events that everyone should know about so tomorrow night Sunday night right over here there's a really great class gonna be given that's gonna be given on dating in marriage by Rabbi David goldwasser right over here and big Gabrielle tomorrow night as well Emmet is hosting a young professional event with Robin Lauren's off and that's in Bethel the show on Union Turnpike rabbits in Edina River Cove is starting a three-part series at the MS center called reaching our potential through character refinement and you need to sign up for that that's starting tomorrow night as well in Jamaica estates on Union Turnpike by the new admin Center a week from Tuesday Robertson Dvorak eagle is going to be speaking about how to become a queen in your home a special permission by a class right over here four women and a week from Thursday February 22nd we're doing a Emmett and NER Mordecai are making a Emmett mega holla big event for mothers and daughters and this is mothers and daughters meaning like for you with your mother's not for a little little children but 18 and above this is part of a ongoing series of mother-daughter events that are really really powerful and that's going to be a week from Thursday and just a little shout out as well on February 26 which is two weeks from this Monday and that is having our yearly charity which is our main fundraising event 24-hour fundraising event you'll see information about it and we really appreciate everyone's support in the past and it really allows Emma to grow and and to be able to do what we do so once again thank you to our amazing panel over here Costco and we look forward to seeing you at future events how's our group everyone