Parenting & Shalom Bayit Panel

[Music] okay good evening everybody says uh what year are we doing this rabbit let's go okay one of those times okay so i want to welcome our illustrious panel over here first of all my name is reuben keagle so i'm excited i'm so excited about this i came all the way from state new jersey in uh 21 degree weather it's warmer here it's 23 degrees so that's very good uh thank you it's good to have some fans and he out of towners tonight okay okay so first we have uh the famous rabbi klatsko one of uh he just does so many things he has uh one of the biggest jewish websites called shabbat.com he also is one of two anytime's most popular speakers he also trains rabbis to be cured professionals at all of me and really like that's that project he probably does another 20 things i'm not even aware of and he sings songs and produces music he holds shabbatons he has the kiva trip well okay okay i can go on and on and he he's also happens to be a shaman bias and parent expert since he has been uh happily married while having was it like 11 kids canine horror right so that makes him you know that makes someone strong by some parenting expert okay next we have uh ceo and founder rabbi kiva rudenberg he's a he he really wants to help the bahrain community continue to grow and flourish and uh and not just not become like nationalism and wait is that being recorded okay and he's been putting in for the last 18 years about uh 60 hours a week or so on this project so and there we have uh emmett and really my my keyboard goes off to him he's a great individual to work with and work for and uh and it's it's been a great 14 years or so and he also happens to be on the side he's a is an mslw and is really like helping so many couples he is a great mediator you go to him like everything's like already peaceful okay then we have a i don't want to say like a substitute for another guy but a pleasant surprise but a pleasant substitute we figured we wouldn't have more uh ashkenazim on the panel so that's what we need so we have like someone that i consider like a great friend rabbi uh david david delman and uh last time we really spent quality time together was in poland before covet and he has uh been working for hazak and czech and he has an msw degree in his own right and also married for many years with how many kings if possible relax okay i said impossible it's possible so speak to his wife and then we um for any very tough performing questions we're going to just refer to rabbi ribacoff over here although he he's quite americanized coming here in the 1970s is that correct where did you come i was born here you were born here um wow right we're not even sure if you speak russian actually all right well today we need one on the panel we need one and he's uh he's you're the are you the chief rabbi of anything in long island of hewlett right here's the chief rabbi if you live wrong island which is amazing and we are really very very very pleased to have you on the panel and you should he you you he's a time teacher and his wife worked with many many many couples uh and uh it's great to have you here and how many years are you married 26 and a half wow no after 28 it gets easier according to some opinions okay so welcome if anyone has any questions please uh shy is shy here shy is emmett's new couple director shy you filled this you filled the house it's amazing well i don't know all the seats are taken so if you have any like cards just call shy out because right now i only have two questions so it's gonna be pretty boring right we can start asking each other questions oh we have also some people texted in questions as well but i'd like to see some usual a lot of times we do this and we ask people instead of filling in cards just people raise their hands which somehow sometimes it's embarrassing so we always say you know just don't say like oh my wife says this is my friend's problem my friend's phone but here on this card you don't have to write your friend because you know i don't know who it is just please don't sign your name okay especially if it's anything incriminating okay so all the uh panelists are gonna get a turn to say something but not for each question we're gonna do two panelists per question uh if you go over i will stop you okay and this is in no particular order hopefully these questions are good but please any questions give them to shy and i just also people texted us questions okay and so we have a combination of parenting and challenge together what could be better okay let me see what people text me okay let's just start with something fiery right away to get the crowd's attention okay the first question is now i don't know probably no one has this issue but just in case how should one deal with a spouse that tells their parents and friends all their problems but tends to over exaggerate them making herself or himself look innocent and the other one look guilty so how how do we deal with someone like that let's uh you know with cover to uh to a man i've been working for rabbi rudenberg let's start with you okay did you hear the question how does how do you deal with a spouse that tends to tell their parents everything that they shouldn't be saying getting them involved is a big no-no and over-exaggerate and always make them look good and the other spouse looks better i'm going to hand it over to them might do mighty mic [Music] first first of all good evening everyone very nice to be here uh we we missed this workshop this panel last year because of covid and um i would like to think that this is the end of kovit one thing about kovit i mean there's a lot of good that came from it one of the good things that came from it is it made us appreciate things that we didn't appreciate before and our biggest challenge in life i would argue is appreciation especially in today's society where we seem to have so much and yet are often not happy and that lack of happiness is pretty much driven by a sense of entitlement and a lack of appreciation so i think as my father said it so well a few weeks into covid he said i never remember waking up every morning and say thank you hashem that i'm alive and i think that we all have that feeling and just seeing each other and as i said stood here tonight and waited with people came in and welcomed people it was like this feeling and we had the same feeling at the emma couple's retreat was like this is not just a regular retreat this is like we're really here there's no there's no you know social distancing and we really have this opportunity so it's really nice to be here with everyone and to be here with uh my gentleman robert riverkov thank you robert kiggle for being here and um usually rabbi hero was here but he um he hurt his his neck and it was very hard for him to come tonight so um even after my my pleading with him he said he wasn't able to make it tonight so um hashem we'll do these more often and there has been an interest in having this more than once a year so what i would like to do is to send a little survey for him after this uh program and um shai will send it out to everyone if you could give us some feedback and one of the questions will be um you know if you'd like to have this uh more more often so the the question the question was um if a person asked robert remind me the question again okay the person the the in the one of the spouses likes to get their family members involved in situations at home even though it's a big no-no they must have missed that lecture and and they exactly exactly not only that but they always make themselves obviously look good and others and the other spouse now looks so good right so what do we do and so now i'm sure the spouse has tried to say like hey you know can you not talk to your parents about this but it doesn't seem to be working so so i'll tell you um my my observation from what i've seen is very often people get their parents or in-laws involved not because they want to but it comes because of a certain amount of frustration and sometimes it comes from feeling that they don't have any other choice and sometimes the parents or in-laws are able to pick up on your body language and able to sense that something is wrong what i would say first and foremost is if a couple has a strong healthy relationship between each other then almost always it's healthier and better not to have the parents or in-laws involved and to go to other people to speak to about the relationship versus going um to to family members um but there could be exceptions to that too it could be exceptions um i i would say that um this is the reason really for this type of program we have tonight and all the workshops that emmett is doing for couples the the best way to answer that question is to never get to that question okay in other words when when it's when when somebody asks me that question i will say okay you're ready like very late in this situation and that itself that question itself says that there's a lot of unhealthy things going on in the relationship both speaking to parents and family members and the exaggeration right some people have a tendency to exaggerate but sometimes the exaggeration um and i was trying to address that separately sometimes the exaggeration is because that's what it seems to the other person i've had couples sit in front of me and one spouse they're talking about a specific event both intelligent people with master's degrees you know very educated very successful people and they're both talking about the same event and you would think this one's talking about a cup and this one's talking about a dog they're describing two entirely separate things and sometimes when one spouse whoever sent this question is saying that the other spouse is exaggerating is because it feels to them like an exaggeration but it may very well feel to the person who is going through it that is not an exaggeration it may feel that's what it feels to them and what we say in relationships is perception is more important than reality so if the other person perceives this as a total disrespect or the other person perceives this as neglectful behavior very disrespectful behavior etc it's important to think before we just jump to conclusions and say oh she's exaggerating he's exaggerating he's making a mountain out of a moho but it's possible that that's what it actually feels like to that other person so in relationships very often we get defensive which we try not to do but if we're defensive the biggest problem is we're not putting ourselves in the other person's shoes and if somebody responds very strongly the response we should try to have is well i'm sorry you feel that way why do you feel that way or how can i help understand this better [Applause] answer so first he said that once it gets to that point and for all you that are here that are maybe newly married not as married have not done this yet do not do this that's the first thing i would say do not discuss with your parents what's going on uh especially it makes the other person look bad so one of the things i tell you know the couples that i'm uh fortunate enough to work with is i say you have any complaints call me i'll hear them do not call the other spouse because they'll get mad for the rest of their lives and uh and uh then the second thing is if you have to focus say maybe it's not really over-exaggerating maybe just their perspective on it so okay with the chef's health my uh advice is call someone else not the parents and rabbi river club what's your thought on this i guess i agree with everything of course the rule is as i was mentioned that uh never never ever get the parents involved um it's everyone is biased in their opinions usually um your parents will take your side and the other parents will take the spouse aside and therefore uh they'll never really get resolved it just leaves a bad taste in their mouth and they'll look at the person differently um from now on so it's better again not to get them involved as was mentioned uh better to get a third party a neutral third party involved that somebody who is a professional rabbi robertson a therapist a marriage counselor to be able to listen objectively and to be able to try to deal with the problem as much as best as possible um and the issue when it comes to exaggerating as referendum mentioned um yeah the perception is very important and it might be that this is the way they perceive it and you're you're maybe maybe downplaying exactly what happened what didn't happen and their opinion needs to be taken into consideration um if anything you should try to listen and to see what they're saying to understand where they're coming from to get a better idea of how they're perceiving what exactly exactly is going on and for you to be able to try if you want to learn from that to try to mend your ways to become a better spouse to you know not to have this this issue or problem would ever come up again as well but it should be discussed first of all with uh with another individual who will be that was able to help um as you mentioned i can hear that possibly because of the frustration um that's why they're reaching out to the parents um but again that that's you know just your own frustration and not being able to deal with it on your own or with somebody who's able to help you uh that would be the best one to take okay amazing so before we go on to the next question i just want to make a point here some of the i was just thinking about myself like boxing we just had a daughter get married and uh thank you and yeah i'm hoping uh i i'm not talking to myself but just in general now as an in-law right as a you before your kids come to you and tell you things so this friend that friend that's normal but now if anyone has married kids or planning on having married kids at some point just remember this if they start talking to you say please i cannot hear about the other spouse it's not my place if anything please call rabbi ruthenberg and he'll deal with it okay now we have a very good parenting question see how we're switching from parenting to shaman bias okay what if your children feel that you are giving preferred attention to one child in particular and i'm gonna ask the man with 11 children i'm sure that never happened in your household but maybe did what do you do with one of your children feels like oh the other children feel like you know sort of like joseph you're giving some guy you know the the dream code and everyone else has to wear uh h m god forbid let me give you the microphone thank you thank you good evening everyone i'm going to give a plug before i begin you mentioned shabbat.com we're just finishing a two and a half year build uh in two weeks and the entire site was rebuilt as covid winds down it's time to start inviting people unfortunately they are among us in our community now among us means widows whose husbands have passed through copenhagen and they need invitations every week we're actually getting those requests and there are other people also who unfortunately uh each week it's torture for them and we sort of take it for granted if we have a shabbos meal in our home like of course i have shabbos but for somebody who is single for somebody who is divorced uh somebody like that every week 50 weeks a year plus it's torture and young told them and it consumes them and um if you if you've been on the site before reactivate your accomplish hashem it's gonna uh it will work far far better we put millions of dollars into this literally and uh if you've never been on the site then please sign up and do it and and and invite to be there for people how many salvage placements have come out of this section we we have about 1.3 million people have been invited for shopping since we started thank you and we would do averaging before probably about six years a month which is a month it slowed a little bit during code but i woke up this friday morning to a very nice note another should have through the site they sent me a thank you uh so um that is our show we put a lot a lot of money into this tremendous amount of time and resources that we want to compete with the big boys in terms of a social network so that you can go on and jewish people can take care of jewish people so it's spelled s-h-a-b-b-a-t dot com and you can invite people it all says attending uh every week we had over 50. we had over 50 people from the website this week 50 people just this week so um i don't want to be the only one i'm not the only one but uh but in the especially in our community and we have behind every week every single week so no reason they should have they have to come from queens i mean we love having them but uh we should open up our doors and our homes and our hearts for them but by the way whenever classical says 50 he meets in his house right you know she had 15 minutes i thought he met in the site no no no no no 50 people in my home which i'm still there all over the world wow crazy crazy and he had time to come here tonight yeah we're right we ran away after our dog believe it or not we found out the most popular city is not new york for shabbat to come it's actually tel aviv uh we had someone look at it so and tell me they're using it a lot to find places okay let's get to the question so here's the issue when you're on a panel when you're a speaker these are everyone's a speaker here we get into our speeches and we speak with enthusiasm and we modulate our voices but in the panel it's always a danger of being sort of even and everyone just gives their answer and it can get a little bit long and uh you want to yawn inducing so we're going to try to keep the energy level up um children being jealous of each other and it is true you cannot treat every child the same uh it would be impossible to take you know cake and cut it up especially have a lot of children to give everyone exactly the same peace and with the exact same attention the truth of the matter is when a child [Music] says you know why did he get why did she get that i also wanted very often it's not the child being jealous of their sibling it's the child secretly telling you i don't feel i'm getting enough attention from you i need attention from you and that is that's the solution to trying to play judge and jury to make everyone get the exact same thing the children who feel that they have their parents ear and they have their parents heart and their parents attention are happy children and they won't yeah once wrong they'll be jealous someone got a nicer set of earbuds but in general children understand especially in larger families children understand that not everyone's gonna get the same of everything believe it or not kids get that when a kid feels that sense of jealousy the child is saying abba ima papa daddy tati mommy i'm not getting enough enough attention from you so i'm feeling lacking and i'm getting attention i'm watching the other 7 get attention so our goal should not be to try to be even get everyone the same thing a goal should be to try to give the child the attention the child needs now every child needs a different amount of attention some kids are very needy for a lot of attention and you have to give them a lot of attention we have a child that likes playing rummy cube and every single night my wife sits on the floor and plays rummy cube with them every night other children like doing other things you give the child what they need and then they'll be happy and there won't be jealousy yeah how does that apply to an only child i mean they get all the attention the question was what about an only child so you wonder well the the question was the only child wouldn't be jealous of their sibling but the only child could also feel there's a forum no i'm just telling her the only child could also feel a lack of attention from a from parents and oddly enough you would imagine oh there's only one child they probably get loads of attention but it's actually the opposite only children very often are sort of taken for granted because the parents have not learned how to juggle their time and attention when you have more kids you actually it actually is a training session for the parents i'm a much better parent sorry if my kids are watching this i'm a much better parent to child number eight nine and ten than i was to child one two and three i know i am i know i am because i didn't know how to be a parent i mean even if i would have listened to class i didn't know how so i thought they're okay but i wasn't giving them my attention now i know what does it mean to focus and give the child attention and so an only child can also be lacking attention [Applause] oh okay uh hi everybody good evening um it's always tough being the second guy answering the question because really the first one so take the uh i'll be first next time so i have a small family kind of heart just seven and uh big family um and um yes the torah tells us which means we have to judge we have to judge we have to treat and spend time with our children and each one according to their path every child is different every one of my children is incredibly different requires different amounts of love and attention and i think that something like this takes time to sense how much each child needs some of my children frankly raise themselves other ones need a lot more time and love and attention and it's our job as parents to sense um and sometimes that's what classical said through how they ask us uh when they say oh he got that piece of cake and i didn't what are they asking of us and sense when that person needs a little bit more time and attention so something that i've trained myself to do is um have a lot of daddy daughter time now i have i have four daughters and three sons and i think sometimes and i guess it's easy to admit that i tend to feel or it's easier to bond with my boys because i'm a guy and we can bond over the meds not the meds because i hate the mets but not the mets but they're easier to bond with and maybe more difficult perhaps with some of my daughters so that's why i go above and beyond like extra perhaps sometimes with my daughters and make sure i have something in common with each of my kids so when i feel there's a time up i'm going to spend i take off a few hours and work and and me and one of my daughters will go out and spend a few hours together and i think the and this is actually something that rudenberg said a few years back that uh one of these types of things so i apologize if i'm taking this from what you said um where's i got to find in my pocket first aaron's right this is the enemy to all relationships with your children this is the absolute enemy so we have to make sure that when we spend time with our children that this never gets involved sometimes i'll actually use this in other words if my phone will go off while i'm with my daughter or my wife this is actually true with your kids also with your with your spouse i in front of them i say i turn it off and i say you are more important than whoever is on this phone and it goes back in the past that's the way it goes right that was a good one so uh that's i hope my wife is watching um so that's the bottom line ladies and gentlemen you have to be sensitive you have to have a sixth sense as to what your kids are are telling you when they ask and make sure you spend lots of daddy daughter time mommy's son time whatever it is special for that child make them feel very special when the other kids hey i wanted this no no no today is just you tomorrow will be you and then the next day will be you and it's something that you work on it takes a long time and i agree a hundred percent with ruby classical i'm definitely a better dad on five six and seven than i am in one and two okay very good yeah i heard the first child gets more of the inheritance because they practiced okay thank you i just want us this was very brilliant uh just summarize in in a word or two so basically this is just a good point for me and for all of us to know rabbit classico said that if your kids are saying oh you pay attention more to you know joey than me they're really saying you don't pay enough attention to me wow brilliant and rabbi dillman besides reiterating that also said put your phones away when dealing with your kids uh you know it's like i just remember growing up we had tv now at least tv you have to go to here it follows you it's really hashtag should help us okay next question back to shalom bias how do you make your husband slash wife feel number one now this is written in female handwriting so i don't know who they're referring to right i don't know who they're referring to but you probably want to say how do i make how do i make me feel them husband or what you got that let me read that again how do you make your husband slash wife feel number one let me take this one i want to answer hey field number one there should be number one on your list uh the priority list on the pyramid whatever you want to call it um that's what i don't want to mention when it comes to your phone or your wife or your spouse whoever it is they should know that they are number one if you have to go somewhere do something they should be number one on the list if they need something to be done make sure that it gets done you have to go out of your way to make sure that they feel it um and if you're not getting it right they will nudge you again and again again until you do get it right uh so therefore you might need to you know i guess tap into the spouse and to find out do you feel like you are number one whatever you feel is necessary you have to go out of your way for that them to feel that they are the priority they're number one on your list on your to-do list uh if they're gonna call you know you you stop whatever you're doing to make sure you take the call um if they need your time and attention need your help whatever it is to make sure that they know that they have your back that they can be that they can call you no matter what the day will be you will be there for them right away uh it's very important for them to feel that they're special um and whatever it takes it's you know going out of your way you know like a little going out during the day the little rendezvous going on vacations uh going out to restaurants taking out the walks you know whatever whatever is necessary and there's no there's no real right or right wrong answer ask the person what they want if they don't feel that they are number one you know what can i do to make you feel like number one what do i have to do in order to make you to feel that you are special that you are you know my spouse i try to cherish cherish cherish you i love you i respect you i want to spend all my time with you as much as i can yes i have other responsibilities to take care of and to do but whenever i can i will make sure that you're going to feel that you are number one in my life [Music] okay that was very very good we're going to try to speed things up a little bit because i'm getting a lot of questions and we cannot be here until 11. that by the way was such a brilliant answer though because who thinks about the fact that hey you want your spouse to feel number one feel that in your head that's great amazing okay next for rabbi rudenberg okay how can we make time for each other after having kids and the kids as they get older have later and later bedtimes i'm curious about this myself we haven't recovered since the first one hit high school and then we could not put them to bed like when we wanted to anymore so half will make time for each other after having kids when the kids have later and later bedtimes so that's a great question um with um with my family as well it's not always it's not always simple to figure that dimension out i would say though that planning and again it's not something that i necessarily do so i'm talking to myself robert dalton mentioned that i said something about a cell phones a few years ago and the reason i said that is because you know i struggle with that and um i still do so this is you know when i give you an answer and i'm sure this is true for other people on the panel as well we're not preaching to you we're also talking to ourselves but um i would say that the best answer would be to to schedule and to have set times like rabbi shaffer and his new book which i highly recommend um 10 dumbest mistakes that smart couples make and um this is a shout out for that book because he has a lot of very good points in in that book and um he talks so much about scheduling and about having like date night and having set times and one of the things that i encourage couples to do is um to have like a half hour slot where it's like the first let's say the first 45 minutes that a husband gets home he puts his phone away in that place and maybe the first half hour after the kids go the younger kids go to sleep there's like a the phone gets put again into that place and it's set time for them to spend time with each other um scheduling we're very busy today um even if we're not busy always doing productive things we're always busy right that's like i think they could summarize our society today with one word busy busy we're always busy right you see people walking down the street how often do you see them not looking at their phone while they're walking they're doing something everyone's multitasking and triple tasking but when we prioritize and um and and schedule that that's uh something very very important and it also goes back to the last question of making the person feel like number one when you when you schedule for something right like when you're looking forward to going somewhere it could be a wedding a part whatever it is you feel good because you're looking forward to something they say more than the excitement of the event itself is the planning for that event when you schedule with your spouse if you text your spouse during the day and you say let's would you like to go out tonight we want to do something like even if we do something at home like i want to set aside this time for us tonight i want to do something together with you when when you when you prioritize and schedule that you accomplish both really these questions at the same time making the person feel like number one and and um and making sure to have to have that time so my answer in one line is don't wait for it to happen don't just wait for all the kids to be asleep and to doing their thing and everyone should be in the right place maybe that worked when your kids were five and four or five years old and they went to sleep by 8 o'clock whatever it is and then you just automatically had time but if they're older and they're going to be around schedule and i will just make one more thing i'll say schedule also time for yourself okay schedule time to take care of yourself whether it's working out whether it's you're learning whether it's whatever it is if you don't just expect oh it's oh of course i'll learn when i have time or i'll exercise when i have time chances are it's not going to happen and if you're not exercising you're not learning you're going down physically spiritually emotionally etc so schedule schedule schedule [Music] okay i would also uh strongly recommend if you can get out of the house get a babysitter especially the older kids they can actually they stay up late is the downside but the good side is they can babysit so and get out of the house because that's like so important okay next for rabbi delman how do i explain to my husband that i'm not the only one that has to care for feed love the kids he thinks his role is just to provide and make money that's not the only rule thank you so much for this question thank you so much no attention swiping kids okay i mean i don't i don't i wonder if she has a point to make over here she's trying to figure it out okay okay ready so the question was exactly how do we like rolls as far as he needs to know to just work with me the husband feels like he makes the money you know he's out it's now he's not like sitting around the house collecting employment he goes out fantastic um you should also make sure that guys yeah i'm talking to the latest thumbnail okay ladies are asking the question yes how do you know we don't know 2022 we don't assume anybody's gender uh anyway um i want to share a very very it's a it's a long story but i'll make it very very short uh the story is told about a great sadiq in israel by the name of zaman a blessed memory and a couple came to her of zalman for uh parenting or not advice they were having marital issues so the issue was he said the wife says i'm disappointed i'm upset at my husband because he makes me take out the trash every day i always have to take out the trash and every time i ask him for help he never takes out the trash he always says i'm in yeshiva and these hands that are torah these hands that turn the pages of the gemara these hands that turn the page to the torah i cannot make them hands with the dirt of the garbage and that's why you have to do it so sean zarman was hearing this back and forth and he said i don't know what to say to this couple i just don't know what to do so they left shlomo's arm and very very upset very upset because they feel that the rabbi did not give the advice that he was supposed to give the next morning at about 6 a.m the couple hears a rustling outside the front of the house and the husband opens up the door and it's the rosh shiva zaban who is taking out their trash the rosh shiva the head rabbi so he goes rabbi rabbi what are you doing what are you doing please let me take it it's not up so he says well if you're not going to do it someone's got to do it that was the great brussels armor who taught this husband a great lesson we don't assume a wife who knows uh that that no one is unbecoming or not good enough to do what needs to be done um we live in a world today that you know people say what is the rules should a husband do this should a wife do this whose job is it this whose job is that and whenever i hear questions like that in my practice i always say we should throw out all those rules you need to do what's good for you in your family what their needs are and if your wife needs a little bit more help in this area you need to do that and if your husband needs a little bit more work in there you need to be there for him that's why i always said the greatest marriages are like a yin yang ever seen a chinese yin yang it's fat on one side skinny on the other fat and once it's getting on the other where the man will make up her weaknesses and the woman's strengths will make up his weaknesses and we work better together that way so we should never feel uh that one has a job and the other one must do and if the husband needs to pitch in with the cooking every once in a while um i'll just as a segue and then we'll pass off to the next person um you don't really appreciate your spouse until you don't have them so not to disclose to yes so you don't have very true so about two years ago we had we the baruch hashem hashem uh blessed us with our youngest son mordechai and uh to make a very long story short my wife almost died during the labor and barack hashem through miracle of miracles she was saved and now barack hussein have a healthy baby and a healthy mommy i had to play mr mom for two months i can't tell you how much more i appreciate her right to make dinners and breakfast and i can't quote and all of these things she does it and you just don't appreciate it until you don't have it every day be mockertoe we're so lucky rabbi rudenberg myself all the rabbis we're on the front lines of guys and girls who are crying every day that they don't have the proper and then once we get that up we don't really appreciate it as much as we should so appreciate every day everybody in this room is so lucky okay very good very very good so i just sum up that was beautiful so to sum up basically first of all if you're a guy take out the garbage yeah take out the trash and appreciate the other spouse you know i would just say maybe the husband it's not like he's being the best husband in the world necessarily looks like but maybe if you say i'm so happy you made the money wow thank you so much we have stuff for hashem so and then you can say hey can you do a little bit around the house maybe it would work i don't know next for rabbi classico we have two different parenting styles and it affects our relationship with each other and the kids how do we find the compromise very good question two different parents themselves it happens thank you you're welcome so a parenting style is very often a reflection of your personality so if you're easy going then you deal with things in an easy going way and that will translate into how you deal with your kids if you're a little bit uptight so it's not actually a parenting style it's your personality to say an actual parenting style it it it becomes a little more of a hashgraphic question means there are questions of how to deal with children but through the eyes of torah that's what rabbis are for you go to the rabbi and say do we let our kid have a smartphone do we not let them have a smartphone do we allow them to dictate their own curfew do we like these are these are questions now having said that it's healthy for parents uh to to not be exactly the same for their children now they shouldn't contradict each other that's not healthy if the child thinks they can go to mommy when daddy says no or the opposite that becomes a very unhealthy dynamic but it is healthy to sometimes have what we call a good cop and a bad cop it is healthy that at some points the one of the parents should be strict but if the child feels cornered because both of them are very strict so that's not healthy and both of them are relaxed also not healthy we don't have to be the same to raise a child we can be different in companies you have different people around the company and some are good at numbers and some are good people managers uh so that that would be the first point i would make you don't have to be the same in parenting style right you can be different as long as you're not contradicting each other the second thing is and pardon me dear men for saying this but because i'll say that women have abina yasera they have a very very unique level of understanding part of it comes from the fact that they carried the children for nine months and then they're with the children in the formative years when we where men were at work the the women saw the child develop perhaps nurse the child perhaps was there as a traveler to speak saw the child's temper tantrums so women hazardous have a better understanding so sometimes in my experience i do some counseling as well i find that men are stubborn because we don't like to be wrong men like to be right and we're very strong about that and very often the wife will try to approach the husband and say you know don't be so hard on it like try to understand and then like no no you know it's not like that should be like this and the child is not understood and the the and the wife is trying to calm the husband down because she understands the nature uh so i would tell you that all things being equal when you feel like being stubborn i'm speaking to the men listen carefully to what your women are saying very very often they'll say no i know our daughter needs this she needs the extra dress she's not been feeling pretty she's been feeling a little bit beat down in school she needs this it's more money you would have spent trust me it's a good investment let's listen to our wives a little bit more uh and that's not the show we'll raise beautiful children um [Applause] i feel like that's something you deal with a lot different parenting styles i'll give you a story i one time a couple came to me uh and it was winter time that a newborn baby and she tells me the husband wants the baby to go out naked she should be tough like a russian get used to the cold and uh to make him strong and uh you know that the wife is like it's a newborn baby what do you want he says he's fragile he's a you know it's very sensitive delicate what do you want to do uh i agree with classical about uh personality wise a person's um style when it comes to parenting and discipline maybe a lot of times it comes from your upbringing the way the way you were disciplined the way you were brought up i've got things that's passed over from um i'll say hereditary but the father the son of mother to daughter uh the way you were taught is what you've been engrained with and you feel that that's the right way to do something and therefore you want to implement it to your own kids as i mentioned before every kid is different every kid has different needs and for some kids it might work and for some kids it will work so you have to be flexible in that understanding that not one shoe fits all and one size fits all you have to be a little bit uh flexible understanding and the only way to do that is it gets either to reach out to the rabbis or repetitions or the professionals who come to these type of classes uh and to listen there's a lot of parenting uh skills that are out there avail yourself there's not only one way again to discipline a child there are many ways and you have to find the right way that touches um your child's heart to be able to get that point across to them whether it's you know doing your homework or cleaning up the room or doing the chores whatever it is there always has to be a way that you can you know reach that child to be able to understand you know you where you're coming from uh will the spouse and then be able to listen to the child in the best way possible okay very good i love that story it could have happened to me when i was a kid also um you know it's very interesting it's something picking up from what both of you said that sometimes you have to embrace the differences like you can play good good cop bad cop i remember growing up my father would always say if both parents are the same way it's always not it's not necessarily good for the child you know so embrace it first of all and second of all like classical said and i think whereby rip the club as well do not contradict the spouse in front of the kids so if you have something to say calm down take a breath take it in a separate room and then make sure you stay in a way that the kids can't hear you screaming either so do not contradict them from the kids next this is a very psychological question where you give to rabbi runeberg how can i help my spouse stay positive and optimistic they are so hard on themselves [Music] good one [Music] great question and some definitely a question that i've heard um many times people ask this question so the question is how do i help my spouse be more positive if they're very hard on themselves i'm a very strong believer that a healthy marriage is made up of two healthy individuals and that means that if one spouse is struggling with be it depression anxiety self-esteem whatever that needs to be addressed separate from the marriage and this can be very confusing and very complicated because when you're in a marriage your issues are my issues my issues are your issues and it feels very intertwined and very often um if a spouse sees the other person being down if they're a caring sensitive person and i surround myself with many people like that bro i mean and ahmed i i literally like i i thank hashem every day that we're blessed with so many literally thousands of special people who care and are sensitive and nice people but sometimes a sensitive nice person in this situation has it harder than a more callous person because when they see their spouse down you know especially as a husband one of the greatest satisfactions the husband will get is taking care of his spouse and if he can't take care of her because she's down and she doesn't feel good about himself herself very often he blames himself and he says oh i must not be a good enough husband i'm not taking care of her enough and he'll he'll right away start you know trying to fix her and fix the situation and make her happier because you know i it's my job i have to make her happy why you lie down all the time what's going on with you and that also very often is not the solution you know to to um to push a fix on it and and i i strongly believe that if a person you know we come to marriage with our issues and marriage brings out also our many issues within ourselves and when i give my class to couples before the wedding one of the things i ask them in the co in the class is what's the most important thing to work on in your marriage and i pause and the answer i give is yourself right even though the most assumption people have is the most important thing is our communication are shown by it our the connection between each other no that's not the mo it's important okay but it's not the most important thing the most important thing to work on in your marriage is yourself when you get married you're not you don't cease to become an individual you're still an individual who's part of this new thing called the marriage and you're committed to each other and you this whole process of of your individuality sort of letting go of your individuality as you create oneness with your spouse but you're still an individual you still have responsibility to for your individual relationship with hashem your individual relationship with yourself and and and i think that when this type of thing happens it's important to get the proper advice to try to understand what's really going on is it like a serious almost like clinical type of thing and i've seen situations where sometimes the wife needed advice to go to somebody like um there's somebody in our community rachel scholl gives these positive thinking classes and sometimes just that alone her taking these positive thinking classes and being in that environment can help the whole marriage and make things and make things a lot better so basically my advice is is um try to look at the situation objectively try to see where it's coming from don't try to automatically fix it try not to take it personally sometimes we do have to just let a person be but at the same time um it also could be a good idea to get advice and to go to a third party um for advice one of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think going to a third party is only when the marriage is in crisis and a lot of times by the time somebody comes and i think say this for everyone on this panel by the time they come to us it's like you know there's there's barely a pulse you know and the the time really to come is not that time to come to your rabbit to your advisor is when there's not a major crisis and just say you know what we're struggling with this thing do you have some advice how i can handle this and um that can often be very helpful [Applause] um so i feel bad because i i take so much uh i've studied under both these gentlemen for a very long time so i take a lot from the arabic off as well um a classicalism that i live by is judaism is not a religion it's a relationship so uh when we ask ourselves when should we think about our spouse so we have to look in the shema bishop we want to make someone feel good about ourselves about themselves when should they be on our mind in the morning at night in the evening on the way to work on the bus on the way home we have to ask ourselves we really think about our spouse that often right but do we try as hard perhaps as we did that we're married now for 10 years than we did when we were single when we prepared ourselves for dates and we went out and made sure that our clothes were perfect and everything was exactly the way we wanted to be but now we don't try as hard as anymore so i would say the greatest way or one of the greatest ways to make somebody feel worthwhile is not in the big actions i think sometimes we make that mistake it's got to be some huge like you know i'm an 80s boy so like you know like you know you know boombox over the head you know playing you know some love song i love you whatever it is and this huge thing right he got uh but uh brian adams um but um it's in the small things it's in the slightest i'll just give you i'll give you a small example right so like every once in a while my wife works as far as moshe for those of you who know ferris moshe and every once in a while um um unprompted i'll go to duncan and get her her favorite donut and her favorite uh mocha chocolate latte and i have to know the exact order because it's a decaf with the caramel on top but this is that other right and and it it shows it shows it's not it and it cost me a big buck and a half like two and a half dollars but it shows something more important than that it shows that you are on my mind so i'll just end off with a very quick beautiful story my i speak often about my rich sheep over scheinberg shamans that's all once had a student go to america and scheinberg said listen do me a favor when you're in america don't forget to bring me back folger's coffee it's my favorite coffee we can't find it here in israel please bring me back folger's coffee so the talmud said grabby of course for you anything so the kid went for like a month to two to america to do whatever business and job he was doing and um when he came back or when he was in the airport he realized oh my gosh rebbe asked me for one thing and i forgot it i forgot the one thing so he went back there rabbi schoenberg with a certain sense of sadness and he said rebbe i'm so sorry you asked me for one thing and i forgot it sort of scheimer laughed the great big laugh that i remember reby used to do he used to say you think i needed the folder's coffee i just wanted you to have your rebbe on your mind all the time that's the idea guys do you understand we have to have our styles on our my author and it's not the big stuff don't make big shows you have to go this and you'll get on one knee a small trip to duncan could save your marriage just two and a half bucks it wasn't so successful all right you you ready we're gonna switch to a parenting question now i have both from text and cards this has been asked like eight times okay so i think it's important okay uh there's just different forms of the question i've been asked i'm just going to read this one because it's the most coherent but uh it really a lot of people ask the same question my wife and i are both working ourselves and trying to grow in our relationship with the chef okay we're having our first child soon that's just hashem but unfortunately both have immediate family members that aren't religious or are god forbid off the d and we're nervous about them negatively influencing our future children how can we make sure that they do not intimate imitate the bad unreligious behavior of family members without having to move to cleveland i i added that for everybody okay rhythmical i this is like this is a big question for all bali yeah we're both from cleveland by the way that was low blow low blow that stung a little oh boy i hope that wasn't recorded [Laughter] no five thousand emotions uh great question um so off hand i would say um i guess behaviors or off the d or apparently not religious again it's not hereditary um it's that automatic just because they are your children will be the same um a lot of it has to do with the home i think the most important thing is the home the environment uh where the kids grow up where they go to school where they go to school where their friends are all these things have a major effect on the child um this only the parents i think is almost impossible they have to be a part of your life whether it's uh the happy occasion uh shabbat holidays and so on and so forth for them to be to interact but the child has to know that there's certain rules um they might ask why is auntie uh dressed in that way you know they shouldn't understand that uh there's a way of dressing sonua we're a modest uh you know wearing a long skirt uh and that's the way we dress and that's the way uh you know the way we are supposed to happen that's the way the yeshiva the basiaco was expecting you to dress the same way uh they didn't grow up in such a religious environment that they didn't grow the same way that you did and therefore you know they don't know what we don't hold it against it we don't make fun of them this is who they are and this is who we are and the child has to feel confident and good about their lives so that they're growing up in their home with their parents uh with certain rules because we don't have a tv and grandma and grandpa have a tv and and you know you have to understand that that's their life and this is our life and certain things we can and cannot do um so we need to ingrain these things within our children to understand what's important um the best thing um to raise a child is to have parents get along getting along with each other uh this is what they need to see in the home so that's very important for a child uh to have a good safe environment between the parents and they should be on the same page understand each other and when it comes to religion it's something that we should be espousing and and be the example to be the mentor of what it is uh the type of lifestyle that that we're living is the type of lifestyle that we want you to live as well uh don't be hypocrite don't expect them to do certain things you know you have your kids have long pace and if you cut it short uh you know again if you if you espouse a certain idea a certain method if you want to eat dunkin donuts and uh you know that's good for you that that that's fine if you want to be a halloween struggle and uh and all these other things that that's a definition if that works for you that's right that's the standard that we have in our home why can't i have oug because that's we don't hold by it you know but to understand that there's differences that's out there and they should embrace it and and to accept other people for who they are that's who they are but this is who we are that's something we need to engage with the children if we're if we're happy we're confident of who we are it should pass down to the children as well also i mean most of the people in the room definitely have to deal with this like that's one of the perils of being abolished so you know it was just it's so funny i've heard so many stories about this over the years like you know the kid the little kids come up and and say like oh um they when they see a secular relatives especially the parents they come up to their parents and say oh when did you become jewish you know and you're like what i was always jewish so yeah but your parents are they're not religious they're not jewish right you're like no no they are and you go in this whole thing and it's you know it's a little bit funny but it's a little bit sad but i think like rabbi ribbikoff said you have to remember first of all the kids spend a lot more time with you than the other relatives like i'll give you the flip side of that when people go to the therapist they're never complaining about their relatives right they're always saying my parents did this my father did that my mother did that that's what therapy it's a lot of therapies about that it's never about other people because they're spending so much time with you as the parents so that's number one so you don't you don't have to worry so much and number two you also like really said you said you know this is our way and there's different types of people in the world you see not everyone's religious and hopefully they'll be religious one day and i just at a personal level i hope no one's watching this from our family members but we've always empowered our children to say you know what you know maybe the grandparents aren't religious as we are why do you be a good influence on them you know why don't you teach them a little bit in a nice way who can say no it's a cute little grandchild right and it really really really has worked that way off the show so you can really empower your kids and you can also just know for sure that what you have going on in your house is the most important and always be respectful and other people will will uh usually comply can i follow up that question this is totally out of like do you want to write it down write it down because this is relates to that question okay do you want the mic no i'll ask you what if it's a teenage and it's old and the child is older and it says like but this is who i am don't ask me to do whatever you doing you know that's what i like oh that's a totally different question yes right okay that's that's a good question we're gonna save that that's a different question okay please can you write it down you have a thing in front of you because that's more about your own kids here we're talking about like kids not looking into others right okay so that's like that's a great question okay so in terms of your own kids we're gonna answer the answer that in a moment but in terms of uh like rabbi river club said in terms of other people influencing their kids remember you're the main influence okay next question we i have to ask the survivor classical any advice on staying close as a couple while raising a baby now the classicals have been raising babies probably for the last how many years as long as we can remember as long as they can remember every time you know there's some russian songs about this okay here we go i i i don't really remember the time before i was always raising babies my grandchildren yeah you think you think you can wash your hands after the kids said i have more grandchildren than children whoa yeah that was gonna happen 15 15 grandchildren and counting yeah i expect another one any moment with that we have one gray hair [Laughter] you want another trick sushi not tempura like the raw stuff how do you stay close so um one like very practical um i'll speak a little bit euphemistically um you know intimacy between a husband and wife uh is is a very big part of marriage uh your your in your intimate time and what happens is when very often the wife raises the children the husband goes to work and the night comes and they're both exhausted and it's really hard to feel romantic when you're tired and then if one of you happens to be a night owl which means you're not in a rush to get to bed you like to stay up you know checking on your nose and he or she like they want to get to bed and there's this miscommunication like what are we doing tonight you know it's 10 o'clock and she's exhausted and he's like nowhere near he's still watching the game whatever so then he she'll end up just going to sleep or he'll feel forced so um rabbi robert ruttenberg said before about making a schedule so that was that's what i was thinking um you you should um you should be really open like uh uh are we you know are we convening tonight at nine o'clock or ten o'clock and the couple should know how to set up their evenings so that they're on the same page and uh their their co-host which means that energy is not depleted so that this very big part of relationship is given it's it's fair uh sort of romantic heart that it needs so that would be that would be one thing uh the second thing is that we as we're raising children uh we're allowed to say no to our children we're allowed to say um uh there's a uh there's a hierarchy of who gets your attention in life in marriage so higher so that's a there's a totem pole so number one comes your spouse number two comes in children number three comes your parents and number four comes your siblings and grandchildren will fit somewhere in between okay but your spouse comes before your children because if your children are going to have a healthy home then they'll feel healthy when mommy and daddy or mommy and daddy are connected and they love each other that's the best thing you can give your children is parents who love each other and are there for each other so even if the kids need you you know for whatever you don't have to go running you're not their servant you're not you don't have to be at their back and call oh mommy no i'm not available i'm just not available now and then get a good lock on your door let the kids dump me in and lock your door and have time with with your spouse now if your baby's very very little uh then it's a little bit more difficult but as because little babies need their attention they need changing but as your children begin to grow understand that it's the it's the spouse that needs their attention and then the children will be healthy you'll be able to raise them i'm just going to answer this also a little bit quickly um so first of all with everybody classical's um hierarchy i'm just gonna add i think the self has to be there too i would argue that the self is at the same level as the spouse in other words if you put yourself first i don't think that's the right message but it needs to be side by side um all the other ones i think are the direct order the way you said it but i think the spouse and yourself are side by side in other words they're both extremely important at the highest level and if you neglect yourself you will ultimately neglect your spouse and everything down the line neglect your spouse you have bigger problems um so i just want to touch on a bit of a sensitive topic but i think it's important to talk about um regarding the physical intimacy and um the the connection that a couple has with with each other and very often after a baby especially after a second baby and sometimes after the third baby especially if the third baby's pretty much close and you know we we found um when i say we i mean um myself this is moscow others that emma you know that that often it's the third baby that creates i just sort of saw the third baby that that beautiful third baby that often really challenges that the the the couple's shown by it and just sanity and um you're outnumbered right no 100 percent 100 so um i was trying to touch on this because i think that that this is something that often gets neglected i'm going to try to do this in a very uh modest way um physical intimacy between a husband and wife from a torah perspective is not a luxury it's not a nice thing if all the stars are aligned and if um you know everyone's happy with each other and there's you know and all everyone's you know let's say the case where kids are older that that that everything everything is aligned and very very often i see this situation come up with couples where there's a confusion about physical intimacy and there's a sentence understanding that physical intimacy is this like you know is this thing that you know maybe it's it's just for the sake of having kids which we know from the torah perspective that's not true or or it's just like uh like like an icing to the cake so to speak the responsibilities are that that the toilets are working properly the responsibilities that the mortgage is paid the responsibilities of the kids do their homework and time and and a lot of times i find this with parents who are trying to be super good parents and they want their kids to have the a plus in school and they're so motivated almost perfectionist types and everything should be good and everything should be right and we need and sometimes this is even a problem for couples who are very disciplined it's good to be disciplined right discipline equals freedom right discipline but sometimes that discipline it ends up just knocking out this area and one of the most important um ideas the torah teaches us is that mitzvah's ona is the concept that a husband has a responsibility to create an environment that his wife would like to have intimacy with him and there's a mitzvah to have intimacy together and this is not a luxury this is a necessity for a healthy couple and i'm not talking about an extreme situation where they hate each other and they're thinking of god forbid divorce then it could be intimacy is not right but short of that intimacy is an essential part and this is why we have tartan because back that closeness and and a couple sometimes has their ups and downs and there's closeness times of closest times the less closest every couple has it every person has that but then after the midfield there's supposed to be a reconnection and and that intimacy very often if it's if it's in a proper construct makes the emotional stuff much better makes the a lot of the things that they were worried about a week ago the arguments they had a week ago seemed very silly not because it's it's physically it's actually not important the issue is still there to a certain extent but the the the spark so to speak the love and connection is is reinforced so we have to it's very important to and especially after a baby it's very important to remember that physical intimacy like one of the things i talk about in my classes i do a triangle it's a physical emotional spiritual and the idea that they're touching each other all the time the physical emotional spiritual and attraction is physically emotional and spiritual all connected and when we think of physical physical is not just physical and the same thing is true with food the same thing is true with anything but especially in the intimacy area it's not just about dinner right it's a dinner that's properly you know presented or with thought went into you know it that makes a person feel closer so just something very very important to keep in mind [Music] okay thank you robert let's go next question because this is cleveland okay we'll represent new york my spouse and i have been married for a few years when we met they were not so religious and that was fine with me now that we have children and i've grown i want them to grow as well how do i do that do you hear the question their spouses met one per they weren't really so religious then all of a sudden they're mad a few years you know either the husband or the wife all the sudden now they're the baba sally and uh like ms rocky always says and uh now they want they're like come on i married this person shakens right like how do i get them to grow now we have kids you have to dress a certain way you have to dive in vice versa what happens if one of the hus when the spouse becomes more religious sort of changes the you know flips the table from when they first got married and now they're complaining they're how they want to move their husband along or their wife along what do you say rabbit gentlemen well just i'm sure i heard like three questions in there the question is if the i'll do it the shortest version this the couple met neither of them were super religious and now one of them is now one of them's become more and now especially they have kids in the picture and they they're like you know come on how do you get the other spouse to move that's the question yeah okay it's a tough one um so um i think that the torah judaism should be something that brings a couple together not god forbid apart and uh i always learned that um you always get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar right so i think uh you know i've been i've been working in jewish outreach long enough to know how this this game works meaning that you know we take a kid on a trip to israel or he comes back from yeshiva and then he suffers from a disease we call baltruva syndrome it's a real disease that means that uh you've been orthodox for 10 minutes and now you have the right to tell everybody else how they're going to help because they don't believe like you it's a real problem it's a real problem it's uh yeah and um i remember a particular situation where a situation is similar like this where i had a we had a young a young guy at emmett and uh he came home really inspired and uh he said i want my parents to be inspired like i was too so i said i don't want you to suffer from this disease called bob schubert's syndrome and uh i want you to tell your mother and father all the things they're doing right so instead of yelling at them about how they're watching tv on friday nights or how they're doing this so i said to the guy i said you know what you should do i said on friday afternoon come home three hours early from work right and then when your mom says what are you doing home so early say the rabbi says i'm supposed to help my wife my wife excuse me help my mother prepare for uh friday night in shabbat and then the mother says oh i like this rabbi very good i like this religion and uh he went about this for about uh six seven months and then about seven months later i got an email from this guy's mother they said rally i like the mother was a nurse at long island jewish lij and she said rabbi um i decided i want to keep shabbos now and uh and please give me a note to get off of work on friday and saturday so as far as as far as a husband and wife i i think instead of telling your spouse all the things he or she is doing wrong start telling them all the things they're doing right start telling things i really really appreciate it when when you do something special right you have a special dress that you wear only for shabbos or a special suit or or that special uh you know the plot just takes tastes better on shots you know like whatever just it's just better and and when you when you continue to extol the positive the positive the positive then it becomes a pleasure and a joy judaism is a way to live by it's not it's not just like a class it's not like nine to five go to class come home and then you know take it off and be done so so if we find the love and the best within each other it becomes a beautiful way to live i think that's the best way to do it beautiful that's right that was so well answered i mean i know uh many couples in this situation one couple of thinking in particular way later on in life the husband became religious and it's very hard to like move the wife along as well so first thing the husband wanted to get married formally under the football so it was around her 25th anniversary so he said oh i was thinking why can i i just want to get you like a new upgraded ring can i get your brand new engagement ring for our 25th anniversary of course and said oh by the way what what do you think also maybe since we're getting new things let's renew our vows what do you think with the rabbi oh great idea then it came time to make the kitchen kosher husband say this kitchen's sold can we you might get a brand new kitchen what do you think let's get out of your kitchen what's up not a bad idea is it okay if it's kosher okay it'll be kosher that's how you have to do it like right now says with awesome love great great idea okay what was your line honey is better than vinegar yeah you always get more bees with honey than with vinegar oh you always get more bees with honey than with vinegar all right for all of those that want to catch these okay now there's seldom the next question they're seldom uh you know me doing any show advice with buhari men where this question doesn't come up and i'm gonna leave it's a rabbi biblicoff okay the question is that why do we have to learn about all these things my grandfather and grandmother never learned about this and they seem to have a great relationship what do you say about the river call [Music] i'm doing about what do you not uh okay great question um maybe years ago things were a little more simpler a little more easier um i think the the roles were very defined in those days um a husband knew his role and his responsibility whereas a wife knew her role and her responsibility and they uh and they complimented each other in terms of he went out to work she was home with the house and you know everyone did their thing and everything was fine um today unfortunately things are not that's fine um we believe that everything is everything is from hashem everything is bashed as they say that is wonderful so years ago god was banning a thousand that god knew what he was doing and uh people stayed married for a very long time and today god is uh losing his touch he's banning maybe 500. um but is god the problem no hashem is not the problem we are the problem um there's too much going on in our lives to distract us from what's important and what's needed to be done when it comes to the relationship when it comes to raising of the children the issue with the phones today both parents are working um the the enticements that are out there today for the kids is not what it was years ago it's a different world and if a person is not ready to settle to the challenge you'll have a big problem so we need to be ahead of the game we need to be prepared uh preventative medicine i think is the best thing to do and the more you learn before you get married and even while you are married to go to classes go to shurim have your mentors have your rabbis represents uh people who to talk to when it comes to um relationships marriage when it comes to parenting um it's the way to go um and if you're not up with the times you know you can't live your lifestyle from 50 years ago back in russia or wherever it is today in america it's that's not communism anymore we're in a democracy when we have rights um we call the police uh you can go to jail there are major issues today and uh and let me feel that you know i i can work i will have a i have a salary i can support myself i don't need to stay home i don't need to live with this with this type of uh abuse and type of issues god forbid unfortunately but um so we need to understand that it's not the same times that it was we need to be ahead of the game we need to learn different methods different modes um it's not as simple as it was in the old entire and older days even comes to religion it was just they believed in god and everything was not a little simple today we question every everything that's out there why i don't stand i don't get it it's too much um again it was a much simpler easier type of a time even though they we're not i mean it's very well off well to do we have a lot of luxuries today we have a lot of money uh but at the same time it comes with problems comes with issues and we need to be aware of it and work together with our spouse to get to the right result of building a beautiful house together with each other all right yeah i'm just like i remember like from the in the 70s when i was in the former school of union we had like my parents my grandparents and me we lived in like two rooms in the kitchen you know we were considered a wealthy side so you know so it's like alone time that was not a question oh how do we get more alone time there is no alone time you're never alone so it's just it's a different mathias it's a different reality and uh yeah all i can say for fazook is the funksagra with the effort comes the reward okay next we're gonna go back to raleigh classico what if your child is a teenager and asking not to be not to be imposed doing any mitzvot on them saying this is who i am leave me alone teenagers unfortunately this question is really common it happens a lot and uh children more than even when i was young uh it's it's it's a common theme that kids go off to there it's a common theme that children in their teens have classmates that are rebelling and they watch their classmates and it becomes a question what used to not be a question is today a legitimate question in their minds so i want to give you a a very very important piece of parenting advice our children have to know that our love for them is not contingent on their religiosity they have to understand that we love them we love them regardless when we tell them oh you know we'd like you to go to minion they know that they've all their life they've seen you go you brought them to many when they were young there are some children that need to go on journeys and we don't like that i mean it's hard for us but we have to love our children and let them go on that journey and show them that we love them even though they're on that journey and what will happen is if they feel safe and they feel cared for and they don't feel that your love is conditional then the azat hashem all of the good ingredients you put into that dish will one day make that dish taste delicious and while it's true that more children are going off the derrick at a younger age today than they have in the past it is true you have little children already 12 13 14 already using phones on shabbos questioning uh it's also true that we have more children coming back on the derek at the age of 18 19 20 than ever because what's sending the children away are not deep philosophical questions they're not wondering about about evolution you know you know what sends children away you know why they're you know why they're wandering because of something called java they just want pleasure they see with a click of a mouse i can buy what i want i can see what i want i can hear what i want i can carry it in my pocket the i thank god i did not grow up as a kid in this generation it's very hard our kids have a sayon that no one's ever had before they've never had it and unfortunately that you say on his kids at a younger age then then you still note of communism or feminism or darwinism or all the old things that made people uh masculine that made them go off the dark today it's just harva and when kids get to be a little bit older they they they learn you know what i have a desire but i'll never be happy unless i control that desire and there are children who say no i can find happiness within judaism and maybe it'll take a trip to israel after high school that could be maybe it could be a rebbe maybe they just need maturity but if you burn your bridges before that time if you really make it harsh at home so then even if the child one day would want to go back despite you they're not gonna because your love was contingent on their religiosity so let's be with pale that our children do stay on the dara i mean let's also recognize that if they do go on a journey they should know that we love them tremendously and there are many stories it's it's late i'm not going to tell you them but i can just tell you with first-hand experience love works and love does bring them back [Applause] right here this is the pre the last question and then we're going to do a quick follow-up that's what you mentioned you mentioned that okay very quick you mentioned that kids go to their earlier because of possibly classmates do you find it that one or two people in alaska take down the whole class absolutely absolutely um it's um let me say one thing the school won't always listen but in a certain way you have to be like a papa bear and if there is a kid or two or three that are bring down the class make an appointment with the principal and see if they can do something about it sometimes they won't be able to sometimes they're not aware of it sometimes and this is usually the case they're aware but they're not aware how bad it is that's usually the case like principals would know that there is a kid who's a problem but they don't really understand how deep the problem is or what the kids are doing during the break or what the kids are speaking about and if you if you are able to do something you do it um and sometimes unfortunately it's your kid god forbid yeah okay i get my wife nice gifts but she never likes them like a vacuum cleaner no i don't know dishwasher a bowling ball i i don't know how to make her happy please help rabbi ruben this is perfect for you help help this nice husband so the first thing that comes to mind is five love languages right yes so it would seem like this gentleman um might have an upbringing where gifts are very important um typically if you know the concept of the five love languages just really quickly there's the idea that um that each person has different ways that they feel loved and um the the author came up with uh five it doesn't have to be this exact five but i'll just tell you quickly um words of affirmation which is like not just appreciation like a really high level of appreciation um quality time physical touch gifts and acts of service and um who's the author again dr chaplin gary chapman right so gary chapman came up with this and the key concept of the five love languages is that every person has a primary and a second everyone likes all five hopefully right but everyone has a primary and a secondary love language where when your spouse gives you that you feel the most loved and if if you keep giving your spouse let's say you're a person that needs quality time and your spouse needs words of affirmation and you keep giving your spouse um let you keep giving your spouse quality time but not telling them what they need to hear they're never going to feel really fully fulfilled and it's going to create a lot of frustration so gifts is one of those things which is so different between family some families are gift families and some families are not your family some families show their love through gifts and some almost go the other way on it and there's no right way when it comes to gifts gifts can be a great thing and we also have a concept of notorious sona matanos that we shouldn't focus on gifts so i remember one couple that that i was helping that it was so extreme that that literally there was a fight broke out in the hospital after the woman had a baby because because of a gift and and and the lack of a gift and the whole situation about about gifts so my my first uh response to this question is is that the if i remember correctly robbie the question was that he he keeps giving gifts and she doesn't yeah he doesn't know it sounds like gifts is his first love life right so that's what it would seem to me it seems to me like he that that that she is looking for a different type of love that's not going to be no she may also want the gifts okay um i remember one couple that was married just a few weeks but the the guy was in jewelry and every time he got into a fight with his wife he would buy her something give her something and they had a lot of fights just within a few months and i remember them sitting in front of me and i i turned to the the couple and i'm like it's not going to work i said not every time you have an argument you buy her something and she looks at me with this eyes like be quiet like like i like those gifts you know um so so so we might like getting the gifts but the reality is is that is is that she is basically saying to him i want something else i want love that's not that's not just um that's not just about about gifts so so that's that will be the first thing now not knowing the person who asked the question that also is possible that the the the wife in this particular case might have a materialistic side and she wants gifts but she constantly wants more and more and she's never happy with what she's getting from him and if that's the case that's a much bigger much much bigger issue which unfortunately is also very prevalent in our society where people um you know she may have grown up in a house where we're that's the way that let's say that maybe the her her father was not so present but he kept buying you know louis vuitton bags for his for her mother and then the fact that she's not getting these gifts means to her that like oh you don't love me because that's what people do and you know you know so so she she may she may be it may be the exact opposite like you know so it could be that she's asking for a different type of love a love which is not about gifts or it could be on the contrary she's she she grew up where gifts is so important and he's just not making the cut because she wants more and more and more and more and if that's the case it doesn't mean that it's not fixable okay but i i would strongly suggest that a couple goes for a certain type of um counseling and guidance to understand you know that maybe what she was used to from home was not so healthy and the fact that her husband's not doing it is not because he doesn't care but because it might not be the healthiest thing um okay okay so we are being asked to depart from the building so we have one last question that we're gonna ask all the panel members so for sean buys purposes we were told to end by 10 30. okay so uh first of all let's give a huge round of applause for all the panelists and you know you guys were so amazing so good and this is going to be recorded on tour anytime for a time memoriam and uh so anyone who like forgets all the information that was here please click on and uh you'll be like right back and you guys thank you for being in the audience i had 20 degrees night coming out here they closed schools in russia in this type of weather so and we have a full house uh shy every seed is taken both of them uh we still eat some of the sushi and their answers and all our answers are coming from your questions so let's give the audience a huge round of applause and this is such a good last question i wish we always ended with this one but everyone you only have choose one what are what is a good marriage book you can you recommend for couples to read together okay you get one book all right we're going to pass down the mic besides the torah of course each night with your wife uh or with your husband um my you know my wife and i we would do the uh the there there's a book where uh it's a daily i forgot i just forgot a lesson today positive words yeah family and horror lessons one of the books from the cops kind of heritage foundation we just finished that we did two books today and about two pages a day two pages a day you and your wife my wife and i are wow that is so cute and i mean and what it does is it's not home-spun wisdom i'm always skeptical of homespun wisdom the torah's got a lot of wisdom and the way that we speak about people in a positive uh in a positive manner allows us to speak about each other in a positive manner and a lot of the questions that were asked tonight can be solved um if we're more careful in shamanism we're not going to go and speak to our parents about our spouse if we're careful about la shmoop we're going to be really respectful so i would say find a good smear solution book and for five minutes a day at night before you go to sleep take it out crack that open turn on the little nightlight and you read it together and you feel holy and you feel accomplished okay so i'm gonna break the rule and i'm gonna recommend two um so one okay so any any book by by john gottman okay is awesome i just did a workshop recently on his stuff i just gave a workshop on his um john gottman um whichever one is the most popular in amazon at that moment um i can't think of the title right now seven most important things you know john gottman has amazing amazing stuff on marriage marriage he has the most empirical data on marriage and um just to share a very brief point he makes that he says that when he started his research he assumed that the amount of positive versus negative comments um connections between customers would be in a couple that would be a healthy couple would be like let's say two positive to one negative or something like that and what he came to find was that actual in actuality a healthy couple has between five and six positive connections for every one negative and couples that end up getting divorced have point eight to one that's not so much less than the negative positive and a positive comment is just to say something nice or even just recognizing them stopping for a moment to recognize their presence you're look doing something else and they walk in the room and you look up and you see and you see them that's positive the other book i would recommend is a book by um by sue johnson um called hold me tight okay and um this is also cutting edge of of of marriage to work on your relationship and um it's called emotional focused uh marriage therapy ef um i think eft right emotional focus therapy um brilliant brilliant stuff and um i think both can really help you i give a brother to all of you that your relationship should just get stronger and stronger with yourself with your children and with hashem and of course with your spouse [Applause] so um in my younger years i'm pretty young but in my younger years uh so i did uh savor khabib time less than a day uh my rishi shiva or shine his rebbe was the time so really learning from rebbe to talmud rebbe to talmud was something my wife and i uh cherished um although to be honest i think that the reading of the books is important i don't think it's a be-all uh an end-all um i think the most important thing is to really listen to each other to really really listen and as an example of that just just taken from the last question that we just spoke about about the gifts um i have this problem to be very frank i have this problem with the gift giving where thankfully my wife is very very low maintenance it's amazing and it's a real bra but it's very tough around gift giving season because i say so what can i get you for hanukkah i don't need anything it's fine i really want to get you something it's fine i don't need it really i don't need it but i got to get you something because my love language is i want to give her something special i want to give her something sweet it's that diamond ring it's that new necklace whatever it was and it's just and and and we feel we want to give the other person what we want and you know what my wife says back to me every time sure every lady in this room is going to say something to say the same thing you know she says and literally i could put the mic to you and you're going to say it you know what i really want i need you to change the baby's diaper every night this week for a week and we right right and we say but that's not the gift that we envisioned we wanted to give you something bold something beautiful something sparkly we have to listen to what each other wants and same thing two for husbands that's what it is i think that uh books are important to learn and grow read uh become more educated but i think if we could round out everything if i could just round it out to one word to help our shoulder bias just listen listen better okay so with the book you second uh rabbi glasgow saber club less than a day yeah uh cash in an envelope also works my wife tells me a lot a lot i like envelopes on the type of discretion i guess it's about to pick out one specific book um this wolf hand i would probably go with rabbi arush's book one for the medal for the woman um but that's for each one individually to read i think they're great uh very encompassing about a lot of important things that each one should know uh but that's for each one individually a book for the couple to share or to read together to learn together um i don't recommend a specific book i would say go on a trip to the bookstore and try to pick out a book that you both want to read together i think just spending the time together with each other is much more important and uh you know going on a trip take some coffee afterwards have a good time and whenever you have a chance to sit down and read you want us to do a lecture together you know again for any time or whatever you want there's plenty out there but the main thing is that you spend time with each other um the book reading and even the lectures is a nice thing to do but it's more of the bonding time with each other i think that's the more it will do its effect for the couple as well okay [Applause] [Music] what a panel rabbi classical's the only one that answered the question properly but that being said right and you're right also that thank you very classical um that being said uh beautiful to hear all your sponsors and and really this has been amazing i just wanna and since i'm gonna answer the question also with the book the book that i currently recommending to people to read together is called beyond mars and venus written by the very mars of venus person who did teshuva he said i was wrong for this generation mars and venus doesn't work anymore because why like you alluded to before people want to be role mates you do a spouse says b everything's hunky-dory mars and venus now forget about that people don't want to be role mates anymore he says i'm adding this part i think because we're getting closer to mashiach we want to be soul mates soul mates and soul mates takes a lot more work than role mates and he explains in that book very beautifully with a lot of torah concepts including like some like secular version of the deity laws which is amazing how to be soul mates so beyond mars and venus is a great book i want to just thank the panelists i want to give you a big brother from all of us okay hashem should continue to give you all amazing bias from your kindle amazing and you should be able to help claudia stroll and i want to give the rest of us a breath off as well because we should also have amazing shawn bias and continue to learn and grow together okay lila toe you