Nissan Borr - Judgment & Validation

thank you for reminding me I would I would kiss you if I forget again the key word is judgmental oh Hashem thank you here's the idea I'm so happy I didn't forget to say this the whole way back I would have been upset judgmental every single therapist will tell you the first thing you need I'm so excited the first thing you need to do when you're becoming a therapist is not be judgmental that is a crazy thing to say I am assessing you I am psychoanalyzing you it is the deepest form of judgment I could possibly bestow upon you oh his mother I'll ask about his father later like what how judgmental could you be so what does it mean to be non-judgmental let me tell you what it means oh I'm I literally that cars at to I feel right now to you and to the almighty okay so you never been in such company huh I'll tell you what it means we can make a conscious decision there's a concept in which means that what I'm feeling in my heart you will feel in your heart just like water reflects the face of a person so to the heart reflects so if I feel in my heart heart approval you will feel approval if I feel like you're bad you will feel bad if I feel like you're incredible you will feel incredible this is true in with our children this is true in marriage judgmental means that I'm deciding to care about what I've just analyzed I'm deciding to scowl it you and think down upon you from what I've just analyzed but if my analyz of you is just the simple fact you're entitled to have your stuff I've got mine I've still assessed what I've assessed but I've made a conscious decision on purpose despite the fact that I knew I had the possibility of thinking badly about you to purposely not think badly about you and that is non-judgmental that is what it means that's all it is so it's like judgmental without caring or something but that's too complicated let's just call it non-judgment Al the same thing is true with validation valid and then I'll answer your questions validation does not mean that I actually think this is the most valid response to a circumstance it means I have decided to be the caliber of emotionally intelligent human being to decide that you're entitled to an emotional response that is not usual or is not healthy because I have them I could be walking down the I could be driving down the street and someone cuts me off and suddenly I decide that that's guy is the worst person I've ever seen in my entire life that's psycho I could like in my store and someone comes in and they like throw their change on the table oh guy doesn't respect me like what yeah we're we're we're we're Petty so for me to intentionally decide to see you and your response and purposely not care to see if it's healthy or not it just is this is what you felt you're allowed to feel it so when we're validating it's not that there were two there was the second thing is just that to validate doesn't mean that I've I have to sit here with like an emotional experience where I decide that what you're going through is like yeah that's the way you should feel stop I'm just deciding to accept you I'm deciding to embrace you I'm deciding to be okay with you that's a decision I don't know if anyone that that's a decision if I ever realized I can decide to be okay with you this changes our friendships it changes our our our work experience it changes if we have employees or co-workers or bosses and it certainly changes our spouses so whatever you're experiencing I can decide on purpose to bring you in I can decide on purpose to validate that means I can decide on purpose to tell you that it's valid and this is and this is the last thing I'm going to say that is what it means when a woman says I don't feel supported think about that word valid that word valid means that you are valid the experience that you just reached out to me to connect about you used to feel alone about you didn't know whether or not I'd be able to be here along with you and let you know that this feeling makes sense to me as well but when I decide to let you know contrary to all the possibilities that I could have told you no that doesn't make sense I decide on purpose to let you know that it does make sense to me it's valid I've now aligned with you you're not alone in this I've got your back I've supported you if we can do this we should not run into we can get in trouble but we shouldn't run into any fights okay awesome good job thank you thank you thank you any questions go ahead yeah so sometimes you say I get it I get it I get it and then when she STS it you keep repeating the same thing say really mean it how do you get out of that one awesome question I get it I get it I get it I get it and she says you don't really mean it I have a question do you really mean it yes and if the answer is yes the response is I do really mean it that's it because if I resp the response is I do really mean it so why do you keep repeating the same thing then I that's a good question you can you can you can let her know listen I'm new to this I'm practicing my words but I am trying to communicate to you or we sound like an idiot right I'm I'm I'm trying to like figure out obvious I you listen I can give you like a list of 40 you know like a like a like a like a practice phone call but the the answer is if you do really get it and you're just saying the same thing over and over and she feels like weird do I you tell listen like I'm just to be honest with you I'm trying to validate I'm trying to be present with you I do get it I'm working okay so I I'll use different words but you should understand sweetheart that whether or not it feels like I get it because it's weird to you I'm using the same word this is not usual to me this is uncomfortable for me but I'm doing it on purpose I'm doing it on purpose because I want you to feel like I'm getting it so if you need different words that's fine but I'm with you second question or that was it all right