EMET Talk 2025

Welcome everybody. This is our grand finale at the EMTT couples retreat. We were so happy that everybody was able to make it. My voice is a little bit shot. There's no microphone here, so we're going to keep it a little bit intimate. I want to tell you a little bit about this program. Is there anybody that did not make it to a previous TED talk here at EMTT before? Okay, we have some newbies. So, for those of you who have not been here before, the point is as follows. You're going to be having a variety of speakers. We're each going to give away some type of a takeaway, some kind of some type of a message that you could take home with you, put it into your pocket, put it into that little gift bag that Shauna prepared for us and um and take it home with you and really contemplate what this weekend has really been about um to really the climax, which is which is this moment. Each speaker is going to get five minutes. There's going to be a timer. It's going to click. Hopefully, they don't go over that. Last year, 99% stuck to 5 minutes or below. and we're very proud of that. We're very happy and we're able to take real messages. There is a schedule here. We're a little bit off, but we're going to be able to keep to the rest of the program. I'd like to introduce our first speaker. You guys all know him and love him very much. Please help me welcome Rabbi Morai Craft. [applause] The power of speech where the soul fuses with the body it's actually in speech. It says though breathed the soul into he became a became a speaking creature. That means when we exercise the power of speech we're actually getting in touch with the deepest part of who we are which is in the shama and that's why I think we have an expression we understand that we can create worlds of speech and we destroy worlds of speech. The question really is how do we engage the real speech that we want to say? How do we discover the soul coming out of ourselves in a way that our words can impact another in a way that we can actually have conversations that are meaningful? How many times have we had conversations we walked away and said nothing really happened and sometimes we've walked away and said wow that was really special. The difference between those two conversations is we've exercised and accessed the nishama through our speech. The question is how do we get there? So our sages tell us exactly how to do it. It says I grew up amongst the sages. Says I grew up among the sages and what did I find? I found the best thing for my body was actually silence. Imagine someone grows grows up amongst the sages. A place where you could hear wisdom. And what does he say? I learned from the sages. I learned from the how to utilize the power of silence. Now why is silence so important in speech? Because there are two parts of who we are. We have a body and we have a soul. Where do we want? We want our speech to emanate from the soul. But sometimes the body hijacks it. The body gets in the way. However, we could just remain silent for a moment before we open our mouths. What happens is the body silences and actually the soul comes through the mouth. So if we want to have a conversation that's meaningful, we have to learn to exercise that power of silence. We have to learn to pause just for a moment before respond. We have to learn just to go inside ourselves. Not in uncomfortable silence, not a silence where we make the other person feel awkward, but before we say something, can we actually take a moment? If we do, the body is silenced and the soul comes out. In fact, I would say that might be the most practical advice I could give anyone at this seminar, at this retreat. Learn to cultivate the power of a silent moment before you speak. Because if you do so, what happens? The soul comes out and the body is silenced. Real worlds will come out. A real connection will come forth from you. And you'll be surprised to hear how the other person responds to you. You know they tell a story about two great sages rav and andish came to looking for a shik for his daughter and it was going to be withki and the story goes that the andos they sat together for 20 minutes without saying a word. After 20 minutes, Ali Yashov perked up and he turned to the Kaz and he said, "So new what about the boy?" And he said, "Good. Everything's good." The son of Rabim writes the story and he says something so fascinating. He says, "Don't think they weren't speaking to each other." In those 20 minutes of silence, there was a dialogue. If two people are really in tune with the nishamas, in fact, words aren't even necessary. people can hear the other nishama speak and you can sit there for 20 minutes and know exactly what the other person is saying perhaps sometimes we experience that with our wives with our husbands those moments of silence we're hearing the music we're hearing the dialogue we're hearing what's happening I remember one time coming home from a braz my braitz we made for our son and my wife said to me did you have any good conversations and I said I had one you had very good conversation I said with who you said with whom I said it was with whom she said what did you Hey, I said, we didn't say a word. He knew it was in my heart. I knew it wasn't his heart. We looked at each other. We stood there. We talked in silence and we hugged and we walked away. That's the kak. That's the power that we have inside of us. But the way to get there, the way to access it is is we have to cultivate silence. I grew up amongst the sages. Silence. And again, I tell girls this when they go out and they want to have a good date. Learn to pause before you say something and what will you'll see? You'll say something and he'll say something back to you and you'll have a magnificent conversation. Even if it's not the right person, you'll have a good conversation. That's the power we have in speech. And we have to utilize and cultivate it and use our words to build worlds to create people. But we have to say the right thing. And the way we will say the right thing is we cultivate the power of the most beautiful quality that we have called silence. [applause] Okay, without any other introductions, please help me welcome our next speaker, Dr. Mark Rudenberg. [applause] >> All right. Um, >> ready? >> No. You're right. >> Didn't make a difference, did it? Uh, how many people here know the story of Honyagio? >> Honyi Hamagio. Just raise your hand if you know the story. All right. A lot of people don't know the story. So, Honagiel was a sage who lived at the time Basheni towards the end of Basheni and there was a drought and it was a very bad drought and we lived by the rain in Israel. Um, so Hon goes outside and he puts a circle. Halamel. He makes a circle around himself. He draws a chalk around himself and he says, "Hashem, I'm not leaving this circle until it rains." Nothing happens. Says a ladder. "Hashem, I'm not leaving the circle till it rains." It starts to rain a little bit. No, not that kind of rain. A real rain pours. Um, Rabbi Shimbin Shatak said to his wife, "You know, I could stand outside, put a circle around myself and cry all day long when rain had to drop." His wife said, "Does that mean Konami is bigger than you?" Said, "No, it's just different. It's like I'm an adviser to the king. He has a he has this board of adviserss, you know, his part his his cabinet, and they decide what to do, and I say this, and someone says something else, whatever." Um, and while this is going on, the king's seven-year-old, 5-year-old son climbs on his lap and says, "Aba, give me a chocolate." Now, [crying] that's honest. I'm one of the advisers of the king. He may or may not listen to me. Point is, that's one way of looking at this. But there's a much deeper way of looking at it. It doesn't mean he was being childish. It means he was immediate. So, we have to to understand that we have to go to his grandson. his grandson um was u Abuaban Hilkia. Uh so this is a very remarkable family. The Hon the Hamagio family honagiel's family very remarkable. His grandson the sages sent his um [snorts] three people to his grandson because there was another there was another u drought and so we need you to pray for his grand his grandfather passed away. We need you to pray for rain. Um so they would he wasn't clear he didn't he didn't address to them quickly the go there in Tannis 23 goes into the gimmel goes into this whole thing it's very interesting he he did certain things that were strange and he w it doesn't matter but the point is finally goes into his house goes to his wife he says let's go up on the roof so she go they go on the roof he his wife goes in one corner he goes in the other corner and they pray for rain and it rains and and the the sages who came to recruit him noticed that it rained on his wife's corner much earlier than it rained on his corner. So he asked him why is that? He said something very interesting. Um and he said that I give her the money. I bring the money into the system. That's my job. I set up the structure. But she's the one who sees the poor people. She hears their stories. She knows what's going on with them. She's at the front door. I I just fund the operation. She's a hands-on direct connection to the operation. Hashem listens to that. >> That's the immediacy. That's why Hony that she wasn't. By the way, we think that Abhukia was a son of a daughter of Honyagago. This is Abahhilia's wife. This is not a descendant, direct descendant. This is through marriage. But the but the concept was transmitted that it's a direct connection. So the before we talk about this in connection something very very important which is where did this all come from? Yetsuk and Rifka Yutsuk and Rifka are praying for a child. They don't have a child yet. Um and the puss says uh the puss says that um is an old word for prayerto and prayed to Hashemto. What does that mean? It means in in in Hebrew means like opposite but not really opposite like in in in in um a good English word for it um in juxiposition with they they they they relate to each other but they're separate. They're separate. He's in one corner just like Abahilkia one corner of the roof the other corner of the roof over here by he is in one corner of the room she's in the other corner. Why? So before I go into this, it says men and women operate differently. They pray differently. And there's a fascinating thing I just said. If I had another half a second, which I don't, I would tell you that this Why do you think we have a mita? You think it's because of steers? That's a 19th century idea. There are always two reasons. One was the other one was that men and women pray differently. And why do people go to a Giants game? It's much better to watch the football game on TV. You're comfortable. You're not freezing. You're what off? You're you're able to hear a commentary. Why did they go? Because the environment gives them co-ak. Everyone else is cheering next to you. That doesn't happen in your living room, right? In Shul the people who dive in next to you, they reflect off of you. And so women and men have a different path. The nits talks about it the the uh Abu Abu Janeer talks about it. It's a it's it's we separate not just for it's another reason we separate because we want to be with people who pray like us and women have a different prayer. You guys are a corporation. You fund it, she does it. That's it. [applause] Please help me welcome Rabbi Keigle. >> [applause] >> Okay, welcome everybody. So exciting to be back up here again speaking to everybody. Thank you for this TED talk opportunity. Putting five minutes of thought sometimes could take more time than putting in five hours of thought. So I'm talking about today learning Torah, setting aside time for learning Torah. But I just want to say the importance of learning Torah. Where does it come from? So the Torah is an instruction manual from Hashem to us about life. So when we learn Torah, that's where exactly where we get the instructions. So we know what to do. If we're not learning, we have no what to we don't know what to do. Now I know all of us, especially the guys here, when we put something together like coming out of the box, we never want to read the instructions. So sometimes it comes out right, sometimes it comes out wrong. So life is much more complex than putting a uh you know a shelf together. So, and I can almost promise you that without the Torah, we're not going to get it right. So, that's the concept of behind learning Torah. Now, we have another thing about Torah is it says Torah, right? We read this every morning. We said that the learning Torah is equivalent to everything. Now, what does that mean? Does it mean it's equivalent to everything else in the world? So the rab explains that tomato means that any mitzvah is not as worthwhile as learning Torah. Meaning all the mitzvah together of course are very important and all the mitzvah are important but learning Torah is more important than any other mitzvah. So why why? Because learning Torah is the only mitzvah that gets us to know how to do other mitzvah. Every mitzvah has its own finite to it. meaning you're doing the mitzvah, but when you learn Torah, not only are you doing the mitzvah of learning Torah, but you're also learning about how to do other mitzvot. So therefore, since it's going to help you do everything else, it's the most important of all the mitzvot. And therefore, when it comes to learning Torah versus another mitzvah, if those if it's your allotted time to learn Torah and someone else can do another mitzvah, you should let them do it. But if you're the only one that can do that mitzvah, so then you then you're obligated to do it. But almost every other time when you're learning Torah, since it's going to help you with all the other mitzvot, they would rather have you learn the Torah. That's what Kulam actually means. So before this retreat, my father called me and he said, you know, I I have this thought and I wanted to know if you can find me a puk a source for these two thoughts that I have. So I said, what are the thoughts? So I said, the first thought is, and these are very paradoxal, ironic thoughts. The first thought is the more money you give to I'm not soliciting here. So the more money you give for the more money you get. And I said yeah there's a p it says it says it means when you and our rabbis explain it means when you give 20% you're going to become wealthy. You will become wealthy. So the puzz says when you give money to sodaka you will become wealthy. So there you go and it seems paradoxal seems ironic doesn't make any sense but [snorts] it says in the Torah. So therefore it is true. Now he gives me said son I have a second thought. The second thought is the more time you learn Torah the more time you spend learning Torah the more time you have. I was like wow what a good thought. The more time you have learning Torah, the more time you have. So I thought to myself, yes, that also is a thought. Where is it? It say it says the following thing. It says, don't say when I'm going to be free, when I'm when I'm going to be when I'm going to be free, then I will learn. Don't say when I'm free, when I have time, then I'm going to learn. Why? Perhaps perhaps you're not going to free. You're not going to be free. You're not going to have any time. So when you think about that, what does this imply? It implies that if you do learn Torah, you will have time. So it don't say I'm not going to learn, I'm only going to learn Torah and I'm going to be free cuz maybe you won't have time. But if you do learn, what's the implication is when you if you do learn Torah, you actually will have time. So what is the proper amount of time to learn? Because you know, of course, you could learn the whole day, you could learn none of the day and somewhere in between. So I heard this from someone named Matyahu Solomon and he said that when people come to him that are currently working, he advises them that they even though no matter how busy they are, no matter how holy it is, whatever they're doing, whether they're rabbis, whether they're in in business, whether they're dentists, whatever it is, that at least every day spend 30 minutes learning. So 30 minutes learning could be broken up 30 minutes at night, could be 30 minutes in the morning, could be 1515. But if you put in in those 30 minutes, then a you're going to know how to live your life and b you're going to have much more free time. [applause] >> Okay, fantastic. Thank you, Rabbi. Thank you. >> All right, if you could please help me welcome Rabbi Rafa Butler. [applause] It's kind of difficult in five minutes to really say something cogent on the centrality and importance of fela of prayer. So I'm going to just share a couple of quick thoughts. Number one um we heard Dr. Rutenberg mentioned the idea of vayatar eur is one of the values one of the expressions of prayer but there are 10 expressions of prayer and that the reason that in that particular place it uses the word vayar and it doesn't say vak he cried or pale there are 10 different lon languages so how can you ever pray if you don't know the differences for example we say We talk about all the great things that God does for us. And you see people when they read that they're crying. You're not supposed to cry. That's a celebration. How do you know if you don't study it? You don't know. And there's a wonderful safer written by Rabbi Shimshinas and it goes through the 10 different languages of prayer. Rabbi Pinus wrote a number of a number he actually authored a number of books. He never wrote the other ones. The other ones were actually notes that he that his students had. But this book he wrote himself and it's a wonderful wonderful safer all about prayer. Can't do it in 5 minutes but I'm making you an offer. If 10 people in this room want to learn this book online with me zoom you got it. So let um Shai know and I'm prepared to learn online with anyone 10 people minimum and we'll find the time to do it. I want to read one thought over here which is a personal experience of mine that he brings down that is frightening and um uh embarrassing but I think it does play a very important role in terms of our understanding the power of prayer. He talks about the fact that written in the rial in the writings of the Arizal that I want to talk about the importance of the repetition of the schwanes and I have to tell you I was reading this during the repetition of the schwanes one time not a good thing to do as you'll see in a moment so there I was you know the caner was going on the balt is beautiful singing along and I take out a safer as so many people do and we have great scholars here And everyone takes out their book during the time you know cuz it's all what are you doing? You're just reading the you know just hearing the which we said ourselves already. So the Arizal says that the to talk about the importance of the repetition of the it's greater than the private prayer because the private prayer as he explains uh we say it privately because we don't want any or the satan or any of those forces in the world to somehow undermine our prayer. So therefore the private amida is said quietly each one to ourselves so no one else should hear it. However the public one we're not worried about anybody hearing it because it's the community and the power of the community. And therefore the power of the community of prayer is more powerful and overwhelming than the personal prayer. Exactly the opposite of what you and I thought. And then he writes the following. And picture picture picture me at this moment. He says the following many of us that don't know this idea that I'm presenting. It's the time where you're supposed to look in some book and study. And I'm reading this at this moment or just starts chatting and talking with other people or do other stuff because it's it's only the repetition of the I spent 20 minutes in my own private already and you can go through your entire life and never receive the benefit of of the repetition of this never received the benefit of the public being together in prayer. There's something very powerful about a community together and that's what's powerful about this room. Each one here could have a private discussion and you can gain from it. that MT joining together retreats seminars learning together. There's something far more powerful and potent. [applause] >> Please help me welcome Rabbi Maximo. [applause] There was once a very rich man who decided he wanted to upgrade his life a little bit. So he went to the dealer and he decided to buy himself a limousine, the biggest one he could find in the lot. He goes home that night. He pulls up to his driveway and his neighbor who is a very jealous naturatured person looks out his window and he sees his n his neighbor just bought himself a nice limousine. So he says, "Who does who does he think he is? cuz he thinks only he could buy himself a limousine. I could also buy myself a limousine. I have just as much as money as he does. So he goes to the dealer and he buys himself a limousine as well. The next day they both pull up by the same red light. So he pulls down his window and he says, "Hey Joe, look, I have a limousine just like you." And Joe pulls down his window and he says, "Yeah, but do you have a gym inside your limousine?" A gym? What kind of gym? A basketball gym. Who has a basketball gym in a limousine? Can't believe what he's hearing. And then it's green light and the guy goes off. So he quickly goes to the dealer. He says, "I want a basketball gym in my limousine." Says, "What are you nuts?" He says, "Listen, if my neighbor Joe could do it, I could also do it. It's going to be a quarter of a million dollars. No problem." They put a state-of-the-art basketball gym inside of his limousine. The next day, he pulls up by the red light. He sees Joe. Pulls out his window. Hey Joe, look. I have the same limousine as you. I even have a basketball gym inside my limousine. So Joe Joe pulls down his window and he says, "Yeah, but do you have a Olympic size pool?" Olympic size pool. And the light goes green and he goes off. Quickly goes back to the dealer. I want an Olympic size pool. What are you nuts? Says Joe could do it. I could also do it. Just because Joe's crazy doesn't mean you have to be crazy, too. No, I want an Olympic size pool. Okay, fine. Half a million dollars. They put a Olympic size pool. They even throw in a lifeguard inside there. The next day, pulls up by the red light. He rolls out the window. Joe. Joe. No one's answering. He honks his horn. No one's answering. Joe, I got the same limo. I have a gym. I have a pool. No one's answering. Gets out of his car, goes to Joe's window, knocks in the window. Joe, Joe. Finally, he opens the window by 3 in. And Joe is standing there all wet, sping wet. He looks at Joe and says, "Joe, I I also got an Olympic size pool in my limousine." He says, "This is what you pulled me out of the shower for." [laughter] They say, "Comparison is the thief of joy. The moment you try to keep up with someone else's life, you become a slave to their success. It's like a bottomless pit and you keep falling and you keep comparing yourself to other people and you look at their success and you start asking yourself how come they have it and how come I don't look how successful they are and that's why you find many people who can't accept their lot in life and they say it's no wonder I can't get up in the morning. Look how miserable I am. You see the bags under under my eyes, it's because I don't have the money that that person has. And when I have the kids that this person has, when I have the wife that that person has, then I'll be happy. Then I'll achieve, then I'll become successful. But if that is your attitude, you'll never amount to anything in life. Who said Hashem wants you to serve him when everything is perfect? Maybe Hashem wants you to serve him with the problems that you have in your life, with the financial issues, with the children, with the wife. Maybe that's how Hashem wants you to serve him. The tells us in when it talks about the ten commandments the says don't be jealous of your friend's house don't be jealous of his wife and his male servant and his female servant and his ox and his donkey. Listen to the following words and everything he got. The Torah is telling us if you want to be jealous so be jealous of everything he has. Investigate his entire life. Don't just look at that one thing that he has that you don't investigate everything and then you'll realize that nobody has a carefree life. The Gimat tells us that people suffer in one of three areas. Nobody gets it carefree. Either people suffer in their relationships or in their health or in their finances, in their money, but nobody has it perfect. Nobody has it perfect. It might look like they do for a instant. Maybe you look at them for a second, but you don't know everything about their life. And all of a sudden, if you investigate a little deeper, you'll want your lot. You'll want what you have much more and you'll be happy with it. If I could give you an example of a personality within our Torah who had this attitude the tells us about Abraham, Hashem blessed Abraham with everything. But our rabbis tell us it's not that he was blessed with everything. It was his attitude. No matter what happened in Abraham's life, he looked at it like he had everything. Abraham was told to leave his home. I have everything. He goes to Eritis Cananan, there's a famine, I have everything. He goes to Egypt, his wife gets abducted. I have everything. His attitude was, I have everything no matter what's going on in my life. And if I could show you one more personality who had a similar attitude, the Midash talks about Eleazar, the servant of Abraham. Eleazar was born a slave. He was he was brought up as a slave. He came from the home of of a family of slaves. He he was cursed. He came from the house of of Kam and he was meant to be a slave his entire life. But he accepted his lot. He was born with a handicap with a lot of flaws. And yet he said, "I accept if this is what God gave me, then this is what I have to work with." And he went about his life accepting everything he has with happiness with full heart. One day he comes to Aram. He says, "I want to marry into your family. Please allow my daughter to marry into your family." He says, "I'm sorry you're from a cursed home. I cannot marry into your family. Hashem doesn't allow me to. Alzar had every right to be resentful, to be angry, to be miserable. And he says, "If that's the case, I accept and that's how I'm going to live my life." And look at the end of his life. Tells us in the end of his life, Abraham tells him, Elazar was also a master of he said, "Elzar, you accept your lot in life and so now you are blessed. Eleazar is amongst the few people who went to heaven alive. He was no longer cursed. He changed his curse into a blessing. How? Because he accepted his lot in life. And I give us all a blessing. Don't be too busy counting other people's sprinkles while your ice cream melts away. We're so busy counting everybody else's sprinkles, but our ice cream is melting away. I always say the grass is always greener on the other side. But but if we could appreciate our own grass, if we could tend to it, all of a sudden we won't look around anymore. Be very happy with what we have. I give you a blessing that we say every single day in Mazon. But Mico callu believed that they had everything. It wasn't just that the fact that they they were blessed with a good fortune but it was an attitude that they had and they transmitted to us that we live up to our expectations. I mean we really truly believe that we really have everything and if it's a blessing then it must be it was tally designed for us and this is what Hashem wants and this is what Hashem wants us to to serve him. This is how Hashem wants us to live our lives and may hashem may we fulfill our potential and make Hashem proud with everything we have. Thank you so much for listening. [applause] >> Please help me welcome Rabbi Niss Mash [applause] Yavam Ben Navat. Who was he? After King Solomon, his son became king and the kingdom split up and unfortunately he was not the highest level king. Unfortunately, he stopped the Jews from going to Jerusalem and he instituted a lot of avo come back. And Yeram said, "Okay, if I come back, who will be in the head? Who will be in the head?" So, Hashem says, "David, Benishi, the son of Isai, David, you and me are going to be in Ganedin." He says, "But who's going to be at the head?" He says, "David." He says, "If he's going to be at the head, I'm not doing chuva." Imagine he lost everything. He lost everything. He couldn't let go. Ysef at Sadik. He had everything. His brothers threw him in a pit, sold him. Could have been very resentful his whole life. Could have been very depressed. In the end, he became He became the king. He became the king. Did he take revenge? He didn't take revenge. He let it go and he stayed. Hi. So in life, if we let go, we always win. If we don't let go, unfortunately it's the other side. There's a story un unbelievable story in there's a couple who couldn't have kids and we'll have like New York very hard to find parking. Very hard to find parking. Not easy. Friday afternoon Shabbat he's trying to find parking. Gets a parking spot. Wants to pull in. Someone pulls in in front of him. He says, "I'm going to start arguing." The other guy is yelling and screaming at him. He said, "I'm not going to argue." He says, "Hashem, I'm being I'm letting go. Please let me have a child. Give me a child." He told his wife, his wife said, "This is an opportunity. Let's dive in and let's pray to have a child. You let go." Few weeks later, they get news that she's expecting a child. In life, we're gonna have situations, couples, business, at home, children. When we let go, of course, you have to talk it out. Very healthy to talk it out. But when you in the end let go and it doesn't really let go, you win. You become healthier. And is that you always be on top. My bra to all of us to be able to let go in our rel in anything that's hurting us to talk it over, to be open, to talk it over. But in the end, let go. And when you let go, you become connected. You become one. And you become on top. Thank you. [applause] Please help me. Welcome. We live together with our spouse and we have an opportunity to either help our spouse go down. We have an opportunity to ignore our spouse and let them be or we have an opportunity to raise our spouse. One example, a unfortunately just a few weeks ago, a rabbi went to a prison and he met with one of his congregants and he told him, "Rabbi, here in prison there are 15 of us from our community and each one of us is here because of our wives. Because our wives looked at their sister, at their neighbor, and said, "I want a house like this. I want a car like this. I want a dress like that." And rabbi, because of our wives, we are in prison. That's an example how [clears throat] a wife can bring someone down. Uh the Midrash says that [clears throat] at the end when Mashiach comes, Korak is going to be saved from Ghanam where he is until now. And everyone that were with him are also going to be brought up. But there will be one person that will not be taken out and that will be Korak's wife. On another level, often we live for ourselves and we ignore our spouse. We don't care. I care that my coffee should be made, my clothing should be clean, my career should be taken care of. And I don't care what happens to my spouse. And they may stay like this like we got married. and for the rest our of our life I only take care of ourselves that's of course not what we want ideal relationship is that I say to myself what can I do to bring my spouse to become greater what can I see in my spouse that I can push them a little bit higher recommend I think it would be good for you to take this course yes I'll pay for it Please go. I think it would be good for you to buy this outfit. I think it would be good for you to acquire this skill to get this therapy. I think you have this talent. Please develop it like this. Not only we care for ourselves, but we care for our spouse. We will be able to bring the best out of them and [clears throat and cough] we will improve our marriage. We will improve our marriage because we are not living with the same person that we got married to. But every day we are living with a better person. Imagine every day you are getting married to someone greater. Every day you have an opportunity to be married to someone greater than before. And really it all comes from how selfish a person is. Some people are so selfish that they use the other person for themselves and thereby they sink the other person. They stand on his head or her head. I need something for you. You serve me and even if you drown because of it, I don't care. The next level of selfishness is a little bit better. I'm not going to drown you, but at the same time, I don't care about you. And therefore, you live your life. I live my life. I care about my career. I'm not helping you. Just leave me alone. I want to build my life. [clears throat and cough] And of course, we want to build a life that a husband and wife become really one because I care for you. Your growth is my growth. Your growth is my interest. and bazatashm may we improve our life by making our spouse better, inspiring them. As one lady called me and and she said, "Rabbi, how can I improve my relationship with my husband?" And I said to her, "Treat your husband as if he is your rabbi. Ask him questions with respect. Listen to him. Tell him, I trust you. I want you to give me advice. I I want you to give me an answer. And like this the husband will be inspired to actually become a rabbi and he will treat her as her rabbi treats her. [applause] Okay, just a minor switch. We're going to switch to Rabbi Fz with Rabbi Mashev. Please help me. Welcome, Rabbi Yakov Mashev. >> Okay. It's well known, ladies and gentlemen, that the Titanic did not have [cough] [clears throat] enough life jackets, enough lifeboats. And unfortunately, it's very sad, through poor planning and extreme arrogance, many, many, many people died who did not need to die. What's less known is when a person is crying inside but smiling on the outside. One of the reasons why we don't realize when our spouses are crying on the inside but smiling on the outside or insulting on the outside but crying on the inside and using that as a defense mechanism is because we don't stop to ask. That's the truth. We don't I want to explore a couple of reasons why it is that we don't stop to ask and hopefully through this we'll be able to delve into a deeper understanding of what's going on in our day-to-day lives and also unpackage a lot of what's going on in our society today. So, I want to unpackage the idea of a life jacket. One of the issues with wearing a life jacket while a person is drowning in the middle of the ocean after [snorts] falling off of a boat that's sinking is that life jackets were built just to save one person. You cannot, to the best of my knowledge, hang on to a life jacket that somebody else is wearing and expect the both of you to survive. It just won't work. What happens on a daily basis is that we go through trauma, stress, difficulty, but maybe because of our upbringing or maybe because of where we're from, the words trauma, stress, etc. are buried, thrown away, abolished, and guilted out of existence. There's no trauma. Kidding me? I'm a man. I don't need any any listening ear. Just keep going. Do what you need to do, and that's it. Put your head down and do what you need to do. Terrible idea. Speak it over with someone. There's a huge rabbi the katam sofur who said he lived hundreds of years ago and he said when it was very unpopular to say this he said if there's a worry in your heart share it with others obviously someone you trust. That way you'll be able to take your life jacket off cuz you're no longer treading water. You're no longer surviving. You're no longer in your sadness, in your trauma. And then I'm able to go to my wife and say, "Tell me what's going on. I'm here for you." I'm able to go over to a student who's on campus and who's going through extreme difficulty either at home or from his professor or from other people on campus. And he's able to talk to me about it and feel understood, cared for, listened to. and respected. This is the quality that Mosherenu developed and worked hard to attain. Remember, he remembered growing up in his parents' house at the age of two [snorts] and then being drafted to Pharaoh's palace. Yes, it was a lavish life, but his parents weren't there. And he worked on himself and he became someone who took off his life jacket. It's not easy, but he did it. And therefore, he was able to go out and proactively feel the other person's pain. And people felt that he was there for them. And then with the sheep, right, he finds a sheep that's thirsty. He can't relate to a sheep, but he could relate to a sheep on one plane, on one on one common denominator, which is sometimes I feel thirsty. How would I feel if I was that sheep and I needed someone to care for me? Sheep are very very vulnerable. They need people to care for them. So he lifts the sheep, carries him for miles to a water source and he drinks. Unbelievable. Maybe we don't feel so connected to our spouses because it's hard for us to relate to a different gender, which is true. Not going to [snorts] make light of that. But if Moshe can compare himself to a sheep and say, "How would I feel if I was thirsty?" We can do the same for our spouse. [snorts] One last example. And my time is up. THANK YOU EVERYONE. >> [applause] >> HOPE WE'RE DOING GOOD SO FAR. YEAH. OKAY. Please help me welcome Rabbit Filov. [applause] Hello everyone. Hope you had a great weekend. Um so there's a very interesting verse I want to focus on that we say we say in the end of that paragraph we say last nightm to to say that Hashem is is straight he's righteous there's no wrongdoing in him which is a very interesting way to praise God if you're going to say oh shem is so awesome there's no wrongdoing in him like okay I get it he's amazing no Wrongdoing. It sounds like strange. So, let me explain to you what wrongdoing means. I'll give you a mash. I'll give you another parable. Imagine you have you're driving to the retreat and you're about 30 minutes away. It's a 2-hour whatever hour and a half drive, 30 minutes away. It's about 20 miles and all of a sudden something goes wrong with your car and you have to pull over and you realize you can't drive and you try calling a tow truck. Nothing. Thanksgiving, whatever. Tomorrow. Okay. So, you call Shai like, "Shai, we're stuck. Who hasn't made it here yet? cuz they're all going more or less one direction, one way. And Shai says, "You know, one of your friends, let's say Matthew, I hope no one says Matthew." Matthew's coming on his way. Call him. Calls Matthew. Matt, hey, how far are you? I'm about 35 minutes away. That's amazing. It means you're 5 minutes away from me. I My car broke down. There's no tow truck till tomorrow. Can you please pick us up? And Matt goes, "Um," and he's like, "Matt, you're the only one still. It's 4 It's It's It's 4:00. It's 3:30 right now. Shabbat comes on 4:30. No one's going to be able to drive from the retreat to here. Pick me up. You're the only one still not here. Can you please pick me up? And Matt says, "I I don't I don't I'm not sure. You know, I'll get back to you. What do you mean I'll get back to you?" "I'm not sure." He calls you back to him and say, "I I don't think I can do it." What do you mean? I have something going on. I have a discussion with my wife right kind of in the middle of something. I don't you know, I can't really do it. Sorry. Click. You're stuck 20 miles away. You have a 6-hour walk now. Now that is did sha Matthew do something wrong wrong? Yes. Was it a sin? Not sure. But was it a wrongdoing? Yes. So that was what it means. It's an abla. An abla means when you are the only one that someone is relying on and you say I'm not sure it doesn't cost you anything and you still say I don't know. I'd rather not. That is an ava. The way I understand ava at least an aba is when someone is relying on you and you don't have to do it but it doesn't cost you to do it doesn't cost you anything to do it and you decide not to do it that's an ava and that's what what what we say in mo actually wrote this one and it says then an aa is when it's simple for you to do it but and you're the only one that can rely on but you still don't do it that's what we say when hashem there's no ava in him is what we're saying is there is no wrongdoing in Hashem. That if you rely on Hashem for something and no one else and you say, "Hashem, I have no one else to rely on but you." Even though Hashem doesn't have to do it, he'll take care of you because it would be wrong for him not to because you're the he's you're only relying on him. But that only works when you're relying on him. For example, in in our in our parable when you're relying only on Matthew, but you know there's someone else as a second couple. So Matt can easily say, "Hey, no, you don't call the other guy." Is it wrong? Not nice, but I wouldn't say it's wrong cuz there's someone else you could do it. That really primarily applies when you say, "Hashem, I have and you mean it. I have no one else to rely on but you." [snorts] And this is really one of the concepts of of is that is that you rely on Hashem and even though he doesn't have to do it, he'll do it. And in fact we say in in in we say it is better to take refuge in Hashem than to trust in man. It's like duh man God. What is he trying to say? The answer is that it's better to take refuge. What is refuge? Refuge means that when you're when someone doesn't have to do something for you and you're like relying on them and you're taking refuge in them as opposed to you let's say a person a very well-connected person says I got you. I'll take care of this for you. It's still says it's still better to rely on Hashem even though he gave you no promise than than to rely on a very big individual who gave you a promise that he'll take care of you. It's still better to rely on Hashem even though he didn't give you a promise. 5 minutes is faster than I thought. I'll just end with this ladies and gentlemen. If you want your life to change in every direction, whatever it is, buy a children parasa, pick up a book on the because that's going to change every potential thing in your life. And in fact, the vagon ram and many others say the reason Hashem gave the Torah to the pe the Jewish people is in order for them to be able to come closer to him through in fact the last prophets says the entire Torah can put put on one principle amuna. Thank you beat that time. [applause] Fantastic. Beautiful. I appreciate that. Okay. And last [clears throat] but not least, >> not shy. Please help me welcome our final presenter, Rabbi Rudenberg. [applause] Before we start the timer, I want to say something. >> Yeah. >> So, my title is elevation through selfreflection. Rabi Salanter, the founder of the Musra movement, very famously said that [clears throat] when I was younger, I tried to change the world. As I got older, I realized that wasn't possible. So, I tried to change my country. Then, when I got older, I said, let me just try to change my city. And finally, let me change my family. And ultimately, I realized that the only person I can really change is myself. And if I had changed myself earlier, I would have been able to impact the whole world. And of course, we're hearing this from Salant who did change the world. But he realized that the real growth has to happen inside of oursel. And this is an idea we hear from the BMT. Bashto said is not just to go outside but to go inside. As much as we reach higher, we have to reach inside as well. And a a wise a wise rabbi said over an idea that I I heard that if you see something in your kids or it could be other people around you that you don't like that you find upsetting instead of working so hard to change that about them work on yourself on that mida and you'll usually see a very big change in your ch children or other people around you. [crying] The Gmorrah tells us whoever anyone who invalidates or criticizes another is usually reveal revealing his own flaw. The balto says the world is a mirror. The faults you see in others are really reflections of your own flaws. Hashem sends you a mirror so you can grow. My father said over an idea I think it's from the fas that what is what is prayer? You heard different people today speak about prayer. What is prayer? And he said prayer is the concept of pal which is externally directed introspection. You got that? Externally directed externally directed introspection. David Amela says in Tahillimi I am prayer. David is not just saying a prayer he's living a prayer. His entire existence becomes a prayer. This teaches us that real prayer isn't just for words. It's a state of being. And I think this idea of externally ex externally directed introspection is really what our mission in life is and that's what tila is about. Is not just something we do. We have to strive to be like [music] I need to I am prayer. My existence is prayer. My existence is a state is a state of externally directed introspection. That's what I need to be doing. I have to be going outside. I have to get up in the morning. I have to say Shama. I have to get up and I have to do mitzvah. Then I have to give and I have to live my life. But it has to be externally directed introspection. It's a constant process of going into yourself, going out of yourself, growing from within and then going out and and making a difference outside of ourselves as well. So when we go with this theme of reaching higher, the goal is reach higher, reach deeper, look at the relationships that trigger us the most and go into yourself and say what about this is triggering me so much. Maybe I can I can work I can work on myself to on this character trait. I can work on this mida. I can work on on on this. And with this in mind, with this in mind, we can become literally different people through our life. Like like Rabbi Yohan said and like so many others said, we can take the challenges of our life. We can take the and and we don't have to be afraid of them. This is one of the questions that came up in the question and answer. We don't have to be afraid of of of going out of expanding oursel of of whatever it is in our life. But have this mindset of externally directed introspection that as we grow and as we live and as we take on new things keep looking into oursel keep keep growing inside as we grow outside I will give everybody a bra that this should be a great year of growth like I said in the beginning we should we should have next year's retreat in the shabim [applause] that was