Dr. Tamar Perlman & Zvi Gluck - Understanding Addiction: Prevention & Treatment

[Music] [Applause] maybe we don't need welcome welcome to collateral that Michelle welcome to our shoe tourist center we're really proud to have this crowd tonight because we're raising awareness on how to raise our teenagers successfully I'm going to pass around a sign-up sheet because we do have events in this show pretty consistently if you're interested please you're welcome to sign it [Music] it's a privilege and honor to be here to be part of this beautiful community my name is Lena grandma and I'm part of this beautiful community including our amazing team that can feel at all about that 17 and together were busy moms who volunteer to create these events and it is a privilege to be among them because we're really trying to do it for the good to grow the community as the Jewish people and as we go it all starts with the woman I want to thank I think our organizers I want to thank Tom for being here I'm with him and then the Alliance of a fire in America I could go another shippment sisterhood we are in the direction of Robert Lee or Lapham and his amazing Robin Robin eat the hyoga hon he's not here yet that should be a resolution we're lucky to be under the direction and guidance and was it not a chance to be personally even the privilege for me to introduce doctor tomorrow men who I am privileged to have as a friend and I'm pretty privileged to be in her classes and her lectures she's a licensed clinical psychologist who's been teaching for over 10 years primarily for the Jewish community she practices privately in Queens frame would tour and touch the fob dr. Cronyn also lectures on various topics including attachment and child-raising marriage and emotion regulation dr. Pramod is experienced in working with the teens at-risk population trauma therapy Samantha therapy emotion regulation treatment topics focus her topic focus field is given over in small groups include the enhanced marriage mindful eating and emotion regulation she works primarily with women and couples as well as young Brides giving over college classes in preparation for marriage having a degree and having experience is amazing and I thought of dr. Perlman and I'm perfect shall we ask to give over this amazing information but she's also an amazing example as the girl as a mother who has growing children myself raising my kids I know there's a joke delicate balance between love and discipline when it comes to raising children raising our teenagers and it's a very fine line it's a very delicate balance and you have to exercise sensitivity you have to be careful you want that connection at one point I was going through a hard time a difficult time in my life where I was lost where I needed answers and another powerful sent me to dr. Farland lecture she happened to speak on Shabbos so I heard it from a friend I said there and the topic was how to make the right decision in life and I was lost in this question that I had what should I do it was like you can go one way or another way and I thought the Parliament like distraught and said I need your help and just like I mean this is a perfect match I really need your help I'm sure she has many people coming after to compact upper classes asking her questions JumpShip will happen today but what she did was an extra mile for me the next day she texts me saying that if you want to talk to me I'm going hi I'm going to give you my time and I didn't get that from this permission to say this because I had to show the people you'll say no I don't say but she's there for me she texted me now I'm expecting this like her office I just like stuff up to me so she gives me her home address and we speak and what I remember is that she not only didn't really give me the answers but she listened to me and why would she listen to me I kind of a powerful kind of guide to me to find the answer with clarity so this is not just a psychologist she's a person with a big heart who practices what she preaches at home the men are privileged and yes we're privileged and blessed to have you here to speak to us because of your sensitivity your humility and you are that example [Music] I want to thank our sponsors for tonight Epsom of a vibe and the zoo in the salute to get married man whatever with all the information that we learned and the geek awareness that we gain God for the merit of finding the zoo boo oh please give me a lot I'm a mission well then myself and share Roman about Esther man Eleonora thank you so much for listening and thank you ladies they say that microphones are a barrier for coalition sometimes so is it ok if I don't speak with a microphone I don't want any barriers between us is this ok ok Leia thank you for that beautiful introduction a man I should live up to this dr. Pearlman that you're talking about it's hard for you to hear me yes what about now can you hear me now ok I'm gonna I'm gonna go back to the microphone if you can't hear me but I really prefer without it okay raise your hand if you can't hear me as I'm speaking there's a seat right here right in front of me I'll be analyzing it the whole time [Laughter] welcome ladies thank you so much for this event everyone that put it together all the hard work that went into it all the details every single person involved every minute that's engaged in community work is a minute away from personal and from family time so thank you everyone that put it together it should be a suit for the ladies and the men that were mentioned today to get married but let the Shem and whoever else that needs to get married to create their families so why are we here because raising children is so easy and we just want to have a coffee so what happens to us when we talk about adolescence like what's the body reaction even when we say a teenager palpitations anxiety what else see your fate thing Thanks failure yes it's so fun final challenge the hormones what arguments why lots of prayers stress so what I want to do today is I want to see can we actually close the door is that okay to close the door I just want to Center us I can we could talk I got such beautiful questions each question was so honorable I felt like I felt like I could spend an entire hour probably on each question there is no way that I could give full honor and respect to this class and to each and one each and every one of you in a wholesome way so what I decided to do is to take the best the the most useful information possible and giving over to you in the next hour about describing adolescence and then describing our approach to adolescence I will means to us as mothers and as wives that's the best I'm gonna try my best so that whatever I say will be useful to you in some way there is a fascinating Hazael I just learned about this from ribbony teller who I learned a lot from and she was we know this that lift neither leg before a blind person we shouldn't put a stumbling block now who is responsible when when your child says my I didn't do my homework because I told you we have to go to the library and the library was closed so I didn't have the book so I don't have to the book report whose fault is that the library's yours or the kids right because ultimately we're responsible for our own actions is this true except can you possibly be responsible for somebody else's actions can you possibly be responsible for somebody else's downfall if there is a person that you know is blind and you put something in front of that person and that person Falls because of what you put in front of them whose fault is that so you could possibly be responsible for somebody else's actions if you put something in their blind spot you're with me guess what's the example that's given what okay but it's it's the topic of tonight is the hint teenagers but what with teenagers if we do what with teenagers but self-esteem what remind encourage what well this is this is what happens that'll essence there's a crisis and then we have to respond to the crisis everything with adolescence feels like a crisis like oh my gosh where's the next fighter to blow out oh it's not a fire who we could take a break it was a false alarm what's the example with the adolescent that if a parent hits a grown child that is that's the example that is given of lifting either what does that mean what does that mean you're causing but let's think about this in a deep way that somehow the way that you will treat that adolescent will cause then you are responsible for that adolescents bad behavior now let's understand where is the blind spot in that adolescent he's not blind why is the wise why is this what the Torah tells us is the example where is the adolescents blind spot so let's talk about that emotional maturity the miscellanea showroom talks about three things that make it hard for anybody in any situation he talked he uses one a little bit of a different language but I'm gonna give the three languages that apply to adolescents it's Tina which means jealousy with its taifa which means what desire the bodily desire and it's the seeking kavod each one of these which is seeking respect the miscellaneous term talks about an anger and Gotha in in being too into oneself each one of these things is parallel to a different part of us kena is parallel to emotion Tyra is parallel to body and Conrad is parallel to the Mohawk to the mind adolescence is a time where all of these three things are put under a test an adolescent is going through a stressful transition that relates to kina to Tyva and stew covered let's talk about how this relates to the adolescent what does this mean to you and what is the most important one of these three why is there time of emotional insecurity of jealousy of emotional immaturity what's going on with the adolescent so there is an identity shift so this is what's interesting when an adult like something in another adult is secure enough adult-like something in another adult all they want is to be a little more similar to the other adults you're with me dress a little more like her act a little more like her yes but when an adolescent like something in the other they want to be the other why is that because they don't yet have a self the two main I'm running a series of lessons in at the well in Brooklyn which is a wonderful organization that started by mrs. Sassoon in honor of the continuation of this coil for her children and I'm running five classes on this topic of the most challenging part of humanity is separation and change so what do I mean by separation we can again talk about this itself literally I'm talking about this for five hours in the next few weeks today was my second lesson and that hi sis let's hope it's a false alarm go on with your life go on with your life does birth hurt why change what is the change though what's the specific change it is a physical separation between the two bodies who does it hurt the mom but the babies don't talk it probably hurts them too right if we think about what happens to the head what happens to their change they have to take in their breath you're with me now I know they talked about this there is such a thing don't get don't get sucked into it of birth trauma and then there's all these therapists against birth trauma I take the word trauma very seriously so when people take the word trauma and edit to normative experiences I have a reaction to it birth is birth some words are traumatic because they're traumatic but birth within itself is part of regular process of living right but it is painful are there any other births that happen later on as Parenthood and childhood continues let's talk about the first time the child holds the bottle on their own right any time the child does something that's independent from the parent there is a bit of a separation according to some Freudian thoughts like Melanie Klein she talks about object relations it's a psychoanalytic way of looking at things the baby doesn't even see the mother is really separate from him yet when the baby cries all it wants is a response it has no concept of oh the other is busy it can't attend to me there is no idea of the other you're with me we're going to talk more about this as we go on but I want you to just think about that they're going through separation and they're going through change now why is change scary it's the unknown it's out of your comfort zone what happens to you when you have to change it's uncomfortable it's scary it's painful you're afraid to lose parts of yourself what about even changing for the good change is always painful because you're shedding parts of you and shedding hurts even if it's parts of you that you don't want so adolescents are going through separation and through change one of my most delicious adolescents described it to me once so well she said you know whatever lesson says I got permission to say this she's very proud she said it's like being in the airport and not knowing which airplane to go on and you forgot to get dressed that morning and everyone's staring and everyone's yelling at you that you're going the wrong way and your mother tells you you're fat and your dad tells you that you're stupid let's just let's get back to her right she's in the airport she doesn't know where she's going she doesn't know how she'll respond to things are we with her she's bombarded by all these messages she doesn't know where to go so what the answer toad - Keena - jealousy what is it that they're seeking I mean what is it that they actually want i self significance everybody wants to matter everybody wants to matter the Mahara the Merrill says that there's two reasons that we sin one is Tyva and the other one is ego can ego be shut down tied by you just say like this is not kosher so I'm not gonna eat it it's yes or no it's more than that we can control our impulse yes or no but what about ego can they be shut down no it's stop thinking so highly of yourself why can't they be shut down because it is a natural human spiritual needs to feel significance ego cannot be shut down it can only be redirected what they're looking for is a direction where they could feel significant and where they matter so what is your role with them when it comes to kina the emotional piece what's your role with them guidance acceptance do you see acceptance here validation admiration let's go to the next one we're gonna tap back into all of these I just want to give you the headline so we'll tap back into it a little more deeply there was a question asked what about when they there changes of their hormones and the Teva and the changes that they're going through who do you think has more awareness of it girls are boys you know what's interesting boys the changes of Tyva when it comes to boys is discussed so openly it's like obvious like oh he's a boy hormones but what about girls and what their needs are girls needs are different than boys needs but there are a lot less subconscious blades are able to talk about it externally and it's completely accepted in society and it's actually almost almost invited you with me but a girl is more subconscious even to her own self so when she has and needs to appear a certain way in front of others because she wants accepted she wants to be seen in a certain way she wants to be noticed as a female you with me does she know why she's doing that a boy is able to say that explicitly if you ask him what he's interested in but what about a girl will she say really I'm interested in validation and acceptance she won't say it but that's what you need to know part of your education when it comes to Thai though when it comes to girls it's helping them connect to what their needs are are you with me it is keeps my kids I love questions and I'm gonna take them at the end because I hope to be able to address every problem you have obviously in the next 45 minutes I'm gonna ask for the door to be closed please to connect to the awareness of what it is that their needs actually are I ask in throw key I skim through the kina part and I skim through the part of Tyra because I want to get to cover it why because it's the most important one you cannot overdo covered when it comes to your adolescence what does that mean what it's covered is there the need for covered is their wife their blind spot if you put them down they'll need to be put back up whatever you tell them if the response needs to be but I am I exist i matter you have just slapped them the blind spot is their need for a self and for validation so if you're going to slap them with with not giving them respect and covered of taking them seriously we're gonna talk about what that means doesn't mean listening to everything they say that's not covered by the way then you have placed a stumbling block in front of them what are some ways that you can give a child covered you really appreciate when they do something you know taking them seriously giving them things to do consulting with them yes for advice actually listening to them okay so I just gave you a little bit of like very thick brush strokes but I want to take this deeper and this is really what I want to do what I really want to do is I want to give you four major concepts that if you have these concepts more or less you can answer your own questions I want to ask you a question somebody asked me for example when is the right time to give technology to the kids what's my right response to this what's the right response to that who is the expert in this room on this topic I'll tell you something I'll tell you something uh who talked about my humility this isn't my humility this is just me being honest I am no more of an expert on being your child's mother than you are guess who is the expert to being a child's mother Hashem didn't make a mistake he chose you to be your child's mother you are the expert on your child's mother mother Inc not me what I want to do is help you become a better expert in whatever you already are so I don't have answers for you because all you'll get is my own biases what I have for you is maybe some ways to structure where you can find your own answer so I want to give you four things to think about I'm going to break it down into different components if we have these four things then more or less hopefully you can address your questions a little bit more with a little bit more structure number one the number one thing you need to work with with your children is your relationship with your children right this is so obvious but this is so hard to do what does it mean to really listen to your child what is their relationship now when somebody is escaping a dangerous situation when somebody is in a war zone when they're running away are they gonna stop to see a bird chirping or a flower that they have to snatch and smell why not in crisis there is no space for exploration right but what about when you're on vacation with your husband one day and a fantasy in 10 years when and you're exploring you're exploring a new country and you're just walking around and you're saying like oh like that's interesting like look how this is there isn't this a nice fact let's just stay here who needs to talk about other lessons and you can see how how do these people talk what do these people eat what what's their garden like right what do they flower smell like and the birds chirping yes when you're able to approach things with curiosity you're able to learn new information when you're talking to your teenager most of the time because of the answers that we gave at the beginning of the lecture our fears our anxiety and our unknown we when we were talking with them we look like we're running out of a war zone not that we're looking in a new country because we're seeing what's going on what's happening where's the danger what is he gonna say well I know how to react do I want to know that do I not I need to teach him this I need to teach him that I don't like this I need to fix that do you hear curiosity like let me hear who you are so how did the child feel and this is how you talking to him he's like let me get out of that place and let me get out of that and she bought that one right when they're treated like a crisis they respond to you like a crisis I am just going to be out of here just like you want to be out of here so what does it mean to really talk to your child what it's this is listening to them is exactly it but it's so I exactly listening with them with a face that's inviting but also a heart that's ready to hear something new a heart that's ready to hear something that you don't know something that you might not like something that you might not know what to do with are you with me if a child senses your fear is greater than your curiosity you're not a safe place it is imperfect now I'm gonna say this and you're gonna say but no my husband's don't know how to do this I'm gonna tell you empower your husbands to talk to your sons and they're gonna say oh my husbands are this well guess what he is the father you chose for your son to have so he is the father you have to empower to talk to your sons empower your husbands to talk to your sons most conversations that have about tyfa are best done by father's two sons it is part of the men's club it is part of the growing into that space they will understand it better we don't have the same responses so just want to recenter [Music] so empower them what does empowerment mean find the places if they are afraid of Darren if they are not sure that they should empower them if they have a father then empower them to talk to their father if that's not the case for whatever reason then if you have to be the one to do it it's better that you do it then nobody else then nobody so what are some ways that you're actually when you're speaking to your teenager it's who are you what new can I learn about you today bravura week said this when I was in seminary I didn't know how much I would need it every time but he says listen more talk less we have such an anxiety to put in all our lessons that we end up not letting them speak we correct everything they say it's like we're spellcheck you know they say something they're like you know it's really this way and we're just always adjusting their language now why else is it important for us to speak to our teenagers openly I had many questions what so everybody said so I'm gonna take each one of these things because they each deserve honor one is that a teenager wants answers they actually wants to be reassured they are more anxious than you are no it's hard to believe they actually want to be soothed and they want reassurance they want to get it from you they wish that could have it from you do you know how many countless adolescents have told me so I started the conversation with my mom and then what happened like they take the brave step and then mom does the thing that shuts them down and then mom gave me that look and then I saw the anger in her eyes and then I'm like okay no really there were no guys at the party I was just I was just saying I was saying like she brought the cousin the tech happened over and over again so what do we do we don't want to hear that how do we accept it with the image of what they want to fail a favor let's see they want to see suppose it's all bad and he seems an open mind but so so the question is this do you want to know yeah do you want to know do you want to know more than you're afraid to know that's the question so let's talk about stretching stretching when you are in pregnancy your your uterus stretches to almost a thousand times its size listening to your child say something you don't want to hear it's a bigger stretch than what's happening to your uterus you're doing it out of love it's hard to do but you're doing it because you love your child and you your desire to be there with them is greater then your fear of what they're gonna say we're gonna take this deeper now sometimes when I ask a client like what how do you feel about that and they say like I don't know like I have no words I know that means that there needs to be more space and time so we can find words very often your teenagers will not have words you will say so what did you think about that and they give you a very smart Arnel right and then you're like what do you mean you don't know so what are you telling them how can you be so dumb how come you don't know do you see the slaps they're very subtle right slaps don't have to make loud noises by the way right oh you don't know so what do you know what do you do with it or no I would love to help you find out do you hear the curiosity there I would love to help you find out why do you say how come you don't know what are you responding to your own anxiety you got it okay now another reason why it's important to be there with your child's another reason why it's important to be there with your child's I had a lot of questions with what do you do when this crisis happens with this crisis happens I could tell you that in most cases when you have a relationship with your child you end up knowing about a crisis before it happens why why is that because they trust you and I could tell you something trauma can happen to anybody no parent should ever be blamed for a trauma that occurred to their child but I can tell you that a trauma will be much more quickly reported to your parents when the child feels safe with that parent number two a trauma is also likely to be prevented because sometimes there are subtle things that could happen before that a child can feel safe enough to tell you or if you are in a relationship with your child you will be curious enough to notice does this make sense another reason why I want you to have a relationship of curiosity with your children are main it's because I'm gonna ask you a question tell me 10 things just do this in your brain there are things about your child that you want to fix right now just go through 10 things okay you did it did anyone have a hard time with that one okay number two I'm gonna ask you another question tell me 10 things about your child that are remarkable unique positive meaningful that are only true about them and it's something you learn that's in you in the past year 10 things yes which one is harder to come up with why is that why is that okay ladies let's recenter I love listening to you but I can't listen to myself and I hear you speak to each other I lose my own train of thought so here we are we're able to say the things that are negative about them right away and the things that are positive are harder to access which means what's in front of our faces when we see them what do we see and when we as when they are seen by us what are they seeing your eyes I'll tell you quotes they hate and my mother's eyes when she tells me don't eat that way or the anger and my father's voice if we're not able to come up with things about our children that are unique positive that are about them how will they have access to them they don't have and how will they come to you to help them access their higher parts so I want you to get to know them because when you actually spend time with them with curiosity you will actually find fun you will actually find things that you guys going to tickle you the way that toddlers used to tickle you you will say like oh he thinks that oh she sees it like that you will find the beauty in your children it's there it's there people when I when I talk about relationships to crowds about adolescents there is a sense of despair why is that because it feels like what sometimes it feels like is it too late what if I haven't done it until now what if I have I don't have a relationship is it too late what is my answer to that I cannot tell you that I don't think I would believe in this the amount that I do had I not seen this in my office time and time again you know there's a concept that if you eat something without a bra I don't know if this is like a logically perfect forgive me it works as the example and you forgot to say it and it's too it doesn't give cavorts to you to spit it out it's it's it wouldn't be it wouldn't be respectful to humanity then you swallow it and you make abraha that it's retroactive on the previous one I literally experience when parents make changes in relationships that the healing is retroactive I had when I have a mother and child in my office and the child says to the mother but Maha you see like I just I just need I just need space I - trust me I know you don't trust me but all I need is for you to trust me so that I can make my own decisions that's all I need and the mother hears her not here right here's her and then the mother gives her a bit more trust and then four weeks later the girl will tell me I could never believe my mother could do this for me every ounce of mistake that she made doesn't compare to the gallons of repair of the effort that we make as mothers in order to respond more appropriately to our children they notice not only they notice now they notice and it helps the palate past it's it's almost like you know the idea is that children want the healing you know physical things go to chaos like contrary to popular belief bodies get worse over time right they get less and less pretty humanely I feel like we are seeking we move towards healing when a child receives that from a parent the child wants to respond so the question is how do we continue to do that let's take this further we're talking right now about the number I said are we going to talk about four things we did one which is relationship in relationship it's curiosity so you have openness so you have access to them and that you have the ability to impact them yes one more piece a lot of questions that was asked when do I start to talk to my teenagers about about changes in the body when do I start to talk to them is it too early as attempt is a - is it too late if I introduce drugs will I be teaching them the bad drugs or lie will I be telling them what they need to know what do you need to know in order to to respond to where they're at where are they at you will need to find out what are their questions in it to know what kind of answers to give them when you know where they're at then you can respond to them very often when an adolescent asks you a question the information they need is very specific to that question you don't necessarily need to give them the entire biology book and that same when she's 8 years old for example it you need to listen to the specific question the only way that you can know what their questions are if your safe place for them to ask their questions to safer than Google is Google is so much easier right but let me tell you something else let's say you talk to them and let's say you have the best relationship with them will you still know everything why not [Music] why once so there's no way that you can know because there is why it's still a process you with me when you're in process you don't know the end result which means that adolescence is intrinsically a time of ambiguity ambiguity is anxiety provoking anxiety provoking ambiguity is not knowing we don't know who they're gonna turn out to be we don't know if their character traits will actually turn out okay we don't know what chases choices they'll really make we don't know what she'll actually do at the party we don't know what he'll actually do away in college we don't actually know so what do we do with ambiguity what did we do with it what do we do with ambiguity we learn to live with it if you can't live with them bu T you will force a state to where your children are soothing your anxiety and you will cross the line for example reading your children's Diaries if your children are in crisis they said I'm not talking about that I am talking about soothing gearing's and be guilty by having access to your children in a way that's disrespectful to them here with me does it soothe your ambiguity that is a difference looking through their cell phones is the same if they don't know that's what you're doing now them knowing if that's what you're doing that it's not the same then you're giving them respect that's not a slap that's not a hit you're with me so this is so let's say that I'm gonna we can readjust this question towards the end of the session if we still have it I have I have this case I'm gonna take questions at the end I want to hear your questions okay I want to hear it but I want to hear it at the end because I don't want to lose the flow thank you okay it's good to see you I have a mother that comes in and says my daughter doesn't tell me anything she'll then tell me anything I want her to tell me Thanks now the daughter happens to be my client why doesn't the torah' tell him other things what guess what can I tell you something who do I want the daughter to tell it to you what's my goal yes I wish that she told her mother that is my goal even before she gets into the room I know that no matter how much she trusts me I will never replace a mother to her in fact the more she trusts you the more I wish to trust her mom that's the goal she told me my mom wants to know only so that she no longer feels worried but that she doesn't really want to know she doesn't really want to know they know she just wants to know so that she has information on me when they feel like it's about you the love is not there so when you are forcing them out of ambiguity it means that your soothing your anxiety so it's two things number one is relationship number two is tolerating the ambiguity that is a natural part of raising adolescents when you're in your that space of ambiguity it does not mean something is wrong it means that you have children that are growing up now I want to tell you something I'm so happy that a mood M is here to discuss drugs because they're much better at that than I am a modem is an organization a remarkable organization that takes care of people inside out and they mean it they do it well and they mean it I could tell you I know that from the insight but I could tell you that ambiguity does not mean avoidance I'll tell you why I'm mentioning drugs here most of the phone calls that I'm going to just mention it quickly and I'm gonna let them with them to the rest most of the phone calls that I get when it comes to drug use in our community has more to do with avoidance than it has to do with ambiguity which means that we don't know as much as we should know and we're missing more than we should be missing so when a mudan comes up here to speak about drugs let's open our ears because we need to know better I don't think our children are being noticed when it comes to drug use and I'm telling you I know this from my office I think that ambiguity is important but I made a note here for myself it doesn't mean that you can get comfortable in avoiding an issue this comes especially and this is especially the case with sons I've noticed I haven't done statistical analysis on this but I'm just telling you clinically and anecdotally what I have seen and there's this like all he'll grow out of it think that's not so simple and that's the reason why I feel so good for you so good for us that we have a modem here with us that can fill on it us in on more information and empowerment when it comes to drugs I think what we're missing is information and facing it in reality there's a lot of and B a lot of avoidance so that's a piece about ambiguity number one is working on the relationship with curiosity and openness number two is living in ambiguity because adolescence is a process number three is living in tension tension when it comes to three things tension between the trust and boundaries tension between lessons and relationship and tension between their higher self and their lower self I'll start with number one tension between trust and boundaries the children need to be trusted okay why is that important I can tell you for example this morning I was running into a lecture and my nanny was coming a little after I was going to be ready fully so I decided to pray in the morning while the baby was with me alone so I put him in his crib which is very pretty that he doesn't use maybe I can get in a Mane that he could start using his crib is that okay very good anyway he likes to play in it I know it's for sleep but he does like to play in it so he's playing with his toys he's delicious and I'm praying to yummy dad there is a toy that's a little bit far away that he can't reach now I have this whole conflict in my head I'm like I know this is not an emergency so I don't know if I can interrupt Miami da to go and help him but like I'm really distressed because it's like right there you just get ha it's just I decided he's not in distress then I continue to pray I turn around and guess what if we don't trust the process we could intervene with their development we need to let them be a little frustrated we need to let them be stretching to try to reach that's part of trust why else is trust in point I've given this example before there isn't there is a scenario on the bus and there is a bus monitor bus monitors they're like right there like they're like therapists and doctors they know all the rules there they think they're like right you have to honor the buck my nurse said no snacks right okay right and she decides who can have snacks who cannot have snacks she is she's the president of the bus so the bus monitor is there and a new girl called gets on the bus and this new girl she doesn't know the rules yet she has a weird snack she dresses weird right she has and she has a weird clothing the bus monitor is there are we gonna we gonna invite her in and we gonna respect her and respond to her well so you have two girls you have one that is nice to her when the bus monitor is there and then you have another one that notices her loneliness that notices that she feels out of place and she'd seen selects to her even when the president is not present who do you want your daughter to be if we are always thank you so much thank you for guitar denial Illumina columns economy a bit but if we don't if our children are always under our surveillance and they're always responding to us like we're the presidents that they are trying to please you want your children to be able to be who you're teaching them to be not just to respond to you because it makes you feel better about your parenting you want them to internalize the lessons not just be robots and how they respond to you with technology a similar piece over there they need boundaries I'm going to talk about boundaries next but they also one day we'll have a phone on their own completely whether or not you have boundaries now at some point you want them to build a relationship where they can trust who to themselves so they feel empowered that they can make good decisions if they're if there are no opportunities for that how will they know that they could do it so there needs to be some trust and there needs to be some space can I be in this world can I be trusted but why are boundaries important I can tell you that when I was when I worked at this school for teens at risk very often when parents just got so tired of it they just went the other extreme and they just gave up on everything they're like okay just do whatever you want right do whatever you want and guess what the fighting went down this is true the team maybe the teenagers was happy around and maybe sometimes it's something to do maybe if there is a real emergency but what was interesting is I remember one time one of the girls she had a hard time with she smoked a lot she smoked like packs and packs of cigarettes a day and her father was a health freak and it was something that bothered him more than anything else that she did but this was one of these families that went the other extreme and just gave up on everything and I remember one day she comes into my office and she sits down and she says dr. Pearlman it's been 17 and a half days it's 2 p.m. I'm like of what just like I haven't touched a cigarette I'm like you haven't what like she had that self-control she was on a path to taking care of herself and making good decisions this was just the first step so then I asked her did you tell your and guess what she said he doesn't even care he gave up on me a long time ago letting go of rules can sometimes feel not like permission but like permissiveness anything goes anything goes does not feel loving to a child it doesn't feel like they matter anymore expectations are one way to Express care we expect more from you boundaries Express care what else is important in boundaries what do they need them for their own security to feel secure and to actually be secure right there is a reason why you want to let a toddler go near the oven right and there's a reason why shirt parameters need to be set up around teenagers but now the questions are going to be what are those parameters I'll take questions at the end I want you to think about three things when it comes to lessons number one what is the actual lesson that you're teaching you don't know how many times the teenager will say to me I have no idea why they're disappointed in me I feel like I'm walking around and they're like uh-oh everything I do I don't even know if that thing that they're eyeing about what's the actual lesson now you may yourself again you have ambiguity you have anxiety you have fear you don't even know yourself sometimes what you're lying about right we're like we're just unhappy we don't like it number one what is the actual lesson what is the value I'm going to give an example we go through it through an example number two where is he at where is she at right now and number three this is I think the most important one what are my choices let's now take an example and let's go through it with an example so again number one what's the lesson number two worse yet number three what are my choices number one let's take technology what are the lessons in technology why do we need to have boundaries in our technology safety safety about exposure responsibility right responsibility with time self-regulation you're with me okay so you have to be explicit about these rules it sound like you're bad technology's bad it's not okay together you need to be explicit about these rules I will say something specific if something you have to consider number two I do think that having some boundaries around smartphones is important with adolescents the access is very wide and very deep and it's not just it's not just amount it's also variety and it is it is a lot for an adolescent to handle so if you're still in a place that you could create some kind of a filter for your child I really support that if you're not then we'll go to number two where is he at you cannot make a rule that your daughter cut her hair short like you know there are rules in certain base yakov then and let's say in months you're in ball park let's say right that your hair has to be short and you have to wear a certain type of tights right right there are certain rules you cannot tell a girl that's going to a modern Orthodox school in Queens to dress like a Borah park girl is it true why not because you're telling her you are not a lesson you're in this Airport you forgot to get dressed you don't know where to go and you're gonna for sure look awkward and for sure you're gonna be an outsider it's like you're killing her social chances she already doesn't feel like she belongs now she really doesn't belong it's the same way you cannot take her child and put him in a school where everyone has a phone and he doesn't and so part of your choosing your children's schools you're also choosing what battles you're gonna fight you cannot blame your child for being socially normal he's environment yes anywhere your child is is the environment they're in you have to take their environment into account your child's habits where he's at what he's been used to are you with me what you're doing is also important but you're you're not an adolescent oh thank you so much I want it with steamed milk next time thank you ladies so number three what are your choices you have to make clear and limited borders don't be afraid that he's not gonna like it because guess what if he dial if he likes it that it's not really a boundary that's the reason why I called this category tension if you want it to be tense three it's not gonna happen it is intrinsically a space of tension you're with me okay you are the adults remember that what in those fighting matches that none of us do none of us do that but to remember that you are the adults right clear limited boundaries number two this is this is and this is the piece of once you set up the boundaries it's something that you have to be able to enforce so if you tell your child put down your phone after 10 ha ha are you there watching your child do it he's not gonna end up doing it what does that put you in a place of what disempowerment you have just been disempowered because you gave a role that he cannot keep and this is the most important one if you make an adjustment which by the way should you make adjustments or not if you're not making adjustments you're probably making mistakes because the tension means that you have to remain in a place where you're constantly balancing the trust and the boundary and sometimes if the rubberband goes too much this way then you have to adjust this way and you see that they're suffocating and they need more space and they need more and you could trust them more because they've been able to make a choices then you can open it up and then you see you know what they've been on their phone too much or they have not been respecting the rules of curfew it's been should've been coming home way too late then you can readjust it if you're adjusting that usually means that you're doing the right thing but when you do adjust don't do it oh you're driving me crazy I'm just giving up because then who is suddenly the one in power they have power over you you're saying I'm making a choice and it's now an opportunity to what show them respect I see this is what you need and show them also what care I see that this is what you need so when you make an adjustment don't do it out of martyr hood oh the the weak poor me right do it because you made a decision based on what you are seeing in them because you're taking them seriously you're with me and what are your choices somebody said ask me a question it was a great question what do you do if you if your child wants this but you want that so first of all you could cry is this true but then the question is what is your actual choice what is actually your choice you can be upset at them can you force it I want you to think about it what is my choice and I want you to take between two options this one or this one so these are three things what's the lesson where's he act what are your choices and within that clear boundaries accessible to both of you and when you adjust make it an empowered adjustment not a disempowered adjustment the second tension is between relationships and lessons there was a kid that cheated in every class she told me she said I cheated math you know just put a cheat sheet in the calculator it's very simple and now everything's I just put notes for myself and it's like you're like genius the way that she cheats I cheat in Hebrew I cheat in this I cheat on dad and and then I asked her about a certain class that she did really well and I said what did you also cheat in this and she's like I would never cheat in miss a's class and who is Miss a who is Miss a she said when I was in fourth grade I I stole something from a friend and Miss a saw me do it and she talked to me quietly and whispered in my ear and she said I saw you do that that's not like you I know you're gonna do the right thing she said I have so much respect for Miss a I would never cheat in her class when they have respect for us it will be harder for them to not listen the stronger the relationship the less you have to discipline because the more powerful even a tiny look I don't want to disappoint my father he's always been there for me I know if he knows this about me it would kill him can you please not tell him dr. Perlman I'm working on it that's the power of our Father who's always been there for her and he doesn't even know his disciplining her even when he's not the stronger your respect for your child and the relationship the less discipline you have to do it's like the letter you know those the the story with the rabbi's where the letter became less and less and it was empty do you know that story where there were rabbis writing letters to each other and there was a carrier carrying it back and forth and it was so important to both of these rabbis and at one point he had had to go through the storm and through the ocean to get to the other rabbi and he his his tire or whatever overcame and he was so curious and he looked in the envelope and there was nothing there and he went to the Robin he said are you kidding me you're making me carry out an empty letter and he said it's not I'm saying exactly what he needs sometimes when the love is so strong you don't have to be so loud even a quiet space even a quiet way of saying this is strong enough if we align with them then we can teach them better so the tension between discipline and relationship you have to always keep it at attention more relationship less discipline and always try to keep where where am I at what do I have to increase here are you with me there are some stories that I hear that I respond to and I it stays with me just for that moment and there are other stories that I hear that stay with me forever they know the story I've said this you for sure heard at some of you but I love repeating it for a breslav story about the king with the painting is it okay if I repeat it for those of you that haven't heard it this is a lesson about the tension I'll tell it very quickly there was a painter he got to paint everybody's painting and his goal was that he painted all the presidents and all the monarchies and all that all everyone in charge except there was one King that was a mystery nobody saw his face you with me and it was his mission to what paint that King his chief connection was not complete so that King was painted so he bribed and he bullied and he got into the palace and he bribed and he bullied and he pushed and he got to the King's Chamber and he's there and there's a big curtain right and he's like I am here I'm gonna paint the King I'm gonna have access to this King and he starts to demean the King and he's gonna he starts to diminish his protection starts to take away the Kings layers of protection he says I got through your guards they all have weaknesses I know their weaknesses none of your people really respect you because here I am nobody protected you and nobody knows you how do you know that people are even serving you because you're never outside so he's taking away all his weak points he's pressing on them and what's happening for the curtain what's happening to it it's lowering and it's fading away and what is he feeling he's feeling empowered you with me he's like I'm getting to the king no one has gotten to the king and I'm gonna get to him and the more that he does it the more empowered he feels and he sees the curtain is diminishing and fading away and he finally he knows all the weak points he knows what to say he says you think that your most loyal guard is loyal to you he's not loyal to you you don't even know who he is really because he let me come in here I know your weaknesses I know all the facades you put up you have nothing to defend you and suddenly the curtain is gone it's gone I remember I just want to tell you I was in my dining room when I heard the story and as I walked into my kitchen I couldn't stop crying because in my eyes were all the girls that have told me the story in their own voices the curtain was gone and the painter was now empowered to paint the king he's like I'm gonna see the King now but guess what was in front of him the King was no longer there there was nothing there the king was gone you can see this parable any way you like either that he couldn't see the king with his own eyes or that the king was not fair but sometimes we feel so empowered we know what will push our kids button will say this and we see him crumble we see her respond and she feels shame and she's crumbling away and we're like we're reaching then we're gonna get to her and we feel so much power yes we were getting to her but at the end you've ileft lost her defenses you feel powerful but she doesn't even want to show herself to you you've lost the sight of her you no longer see who he is doesn't feel like he wants to be seen by you not by this painter not the one that talks to me this way we have to have the balance of relationship and discipline but discipline can never take away the child because you can feel powerful that the curtain is gone but if you can't see your child or the child doesn't want to show himself to you then you've done nothing number three tension between boundaries and Trust tension between lessons and relationship and number three tension between there are different parts and then we are gonna wrap up with this how's my timing by the way okay so I think okay sometimes is it when you look at your child do you like what you see are you supposed to see your child's weaknesses yes so that you can help redirect them and create boundaries around them you with me so you know you can help him deal with his challenges sometimes we don't want to see our kids challenges and in fact this is this is something I heard from her buddy teller recently that our guilt oh it was because of this because I gave him too much that I gave him too much that it's really in a way misguided love it's easier for us to blame ourselves and to see our children for who they are so we need to see their challenges so we can help them you don't know how often I get when I get if a parent comes and said and when a parent comes in from like a school point of view and like the principal calls me and says I don't know what to do this parent I'm telling this parent your child is completely not responsive and the parent is just blaming us and it's throwing lawsuits at us and this and that who is the parent doing a Mis disservice to very often the child because the parent is not seeing what is my child's role here how can I help him here how is he not gonna be a husband like this in ten years from now a wife like this in years from now but there is something we have to do to be careful about while we see their worst parts like I did at the beginning of the lecture we also have to see their best parts and we have to be in a constant tension between these two we have to work at it we have to never lose sight of their higher selves while protecting them from their lowest self so I want you to do an imagery for three minutes you're not three minutes sorry thirty seconds three minutes is a very long time rob Nachman says that imagery is there is the relationship between the body and the spirit because it is something that's physical and it also something that incorporates the spiritual because it is not actually physically here so it's on the bridge between the spiritual and the physical imagery is very powerful in therapy I use it all the time I want you to take your most anxiety provoking kid there's so much fun so much fun thirty seconds and I want you to picture this kid specifically this kid in this kid's Higher Self you can picture walking this kid down the aisle you can picture this kid holding his child's you can picture this kid across from you at a coffee table just picture home picture him with her strengths that you know from childhood then when she was five years old you could tell the Nora she's so special Nora you don't know she's so special the things that you said about her when she was eight they said the things that you said about him when he was two years old take his uniqueness picture them in an adult sit across from him look at him in the face can you picture her can you picture him do you like him do you like her so exciting sometimes when you see your fear of the worst self that they become balance it with this picture remember they're in transition do not identify them with the process adolescence is not who they are okay secret message I received it's very boring it's a very technical piece can we recenter the last phrase is this imagine this happened to me last week I always acts perfectly I just want you to know but sometimes I act imperfectly so I can give you example so this was one of those times I made this really fancy mushroom dish it was very farty dish because it had at least 10 steps in it and one of them was frying onions and the other one was checking herbs as long as you have 10 steps and it's an acceptable salad are you with me so I made this dish and I'm taking it out and guess what happens can you picture it we just did victory it's just like splattered everywhere but so perfectly that it actually went like everywhere in such a it was it was it was almost like artful yeah it was just like so to say Mele even though I have perfect emotion regulation skills right I was frazzled now imagine someone walked in in that moment and saw me there and they said that's what dr. Perlman is this is what it is when we identify our kids in adolescence don't tell him this is who you are because they're in the final moments of things happening so that was my last statement keep the tension between the higher self and lower self and do not identify them in your own self and to them by their lowest selfs okay now the last piece and the hardest piece a few months ago I had a woman come in by the way when I share stories I have so much deep respect for every client that I get to sit across from I could never talk about them I respect them and love them too much but they teach me so much I can't not share you with you the stories they did lessons they teach me so when I talk to you about when she said what I'm really telling you about this is what she taught me she said I I have no relationship with this daughter she's embarrassing me I'm embarrassed of her in the streets this is how she is and within the space where she's act the way she looks on the street is embarrassing for her she doesn't talk to me I have nothing for her I don't even know who she is and I don't think she ever wants to talk to me I'm disappointed in her I'm mad at her you with me I feel guilty towards everything that has happened with her and I've lost her this was let's say four or five months ago her child is going through changes is this true our teenagers are asking themselves so am i right they're not really but they're just acting the way that they are and what they're doing is asking themselves Who am I and then you're asking about them who are you yes but what else is happening well that's happening we look at our teenager and we see that she said that and he did this and this is what happened in school and this is what happened with their friend and then you ask herself Who am I what did I erase where is where are my rules where are my values did anything come across what did I even do is anything that I did worth while I don't even know who I am what even matters to me anymore I don't know if this matters or that matters are you with me I don't even know should I give up on this but this felt so important to me but should I keep this role but he's but he's driving me crazy I can't believe she did that I would never think she would do that I didn't even know that I could raise that are you with me as they're going through their adolescence in a way so are we we are constantly adjusting our identity mindset rules our self-worth it's really scary it's very disorienting yes we blame ourselves we blame them plenty right we are separating just as much as they are separating and we are changing at least as much as they are and if we're not changing that something is wrong so this is what I want to tell you is the only way that your teenager can go through his adolescence is if he embraces the journey of needing to change is this true you cannot stay little anymore you have to grow up it is hard to grow up but you cannot stay little anymore you have to grow up and the only way that will tolerate our children changing is if we don't escape our all need to change we need to change along with them and while we're teaching them they're teaching us and if we're not learning something about ourselves then we're missing the boat after you figured out what they need look at yourself and ask who do I have to be here what is he asking me to be more compassionate more soft more open more clear a few weeks ago this client came back and she said a remarkable thing happened she said my daughter started to talk to me it's a miracle every time I always see them like the people in front of me change and they're like I don't know what happened right and there was a piece that's her her daughter told her and she said for the first time I don't feel lonely when I talk to you mom for the first time I feel like you're actually listening to me and she said to me dr. Perlman she and I need her because I need to know how to listen in a way where she doesn't feel lonely so ladies this is what I'm asking you you know how we spoke about ambiguity and we said there are places that we don't know about our children right and it's so scary and at the end let's say you make a decision to let your daughter go to that party now let's say you make a decision to let your son go to that program and you can't go there with her you can't go and sit down on the bed with him and make see how he brushes his teeth if he ever does and how he respects that girl and whether or not he does responsible things you want to be there with them in those private places but you can't be you can't miss this true they have their private battles to fight you will give them what you can't you'll try to be there for them try to guide them try to create the boundaries but at the end your children are separate from you and they will make their own decisions and you cannot be there in their most private battles but while this is happening you also have your private battle and your child doesn't need to know about your private battle don't blame him for it just the same way that he can't blame you for his although he does Mido your fault Frank as ridiculous as that is it's as ridiculous to say you're driving me crazy no you're not driving me crazy the changes you're going through are making me have to change and that sometimes feels crazy making they don't have to know about your private battles and what it causes between you and your husband he has his own to fight what can you do about those private spaces first of all in the places you can't be there with him pray for him he's not alone in it even though he feels alone it's the only way that he can fight a battle is if he thinks he's alone in it but say I do this that's common the places I cannot be with my child please be there with him and the places I cannot be with my daughter please be there with her and while you're praying for them and there are private battles also pray for yours I don't know sometimes what to do and I don't have all the answers even after dr. Perlman speech and I sometimes feel lost and crazy but in this private battle guide me show me who am I supposed to grow into I know I need to be a different mother now then I was ten minutes go before I heard what my daughter just told me if I'd say the same I cannot respond to her the same way help me grow into the person I am supposed to be while they grow into theirs I want to read to you with permission a poem somebody very wise wrote and gave me permission to share parent and adolescents living in ambiguity loving in expansion morning innocence hoping and Tears protecting with fierceness trusting with trepidation watching them become selves other than you learning they don't they don't belong to you but you eternally belong to them ladies I wish us all a journey where the images we had of their higher selves are the ones we get to experience and also that we find our own higher selves we don't escape our own journey and that we become the mothers we're supposed to be as they teach us thank you ladies so first of all a big thank you to everybody that's here tonight I'm sorry unlike dr. Perlman mmm I can't speak as loud I apologize if you don't believe me ask my wife she'll tell you I don't know how to raise my voice at all right honey okay just making sure but a big thank you to everybody that's here tonight a weeknight a lot going on just to show the dedication and to hear the keynote speaker dr. Perlman who is amazing who never ceases to amaze me both in her clinical ability and her ability to express things and the truth is the main reason why I'm a big fan is because prevention is the key and we'd like to be out of business and I mean that in a good way because of lack of need not lack of money and if more parent take an approach to understand what's really going on out there and at least take whatever steps they could and do a lot of prayer it'll make our lives a lot easier so that's being a little bit selfish so really a big round of applause to everybody that's here tonight for coming and for me breaking somebody's recorder I don't know whose that is is this yours okay good the good thing it's a backup see this is why I doctor permit the news podium so people ask me all the time you know and I say this seriously borrow cash um I mean I'm not sure I don't even want to know what trend she's talking about but the person is probably now talking about me but talking about my staff my staff for all clinicians I'm not they're the ones that are actually doing the heavy lifting they make me look good everybody's happy it's a one wouldn't but people ask me all the time why do you continue speaking about the same topics over and over and over again isn't it getting boring and my response is always the same I'm gonna stop talking about it when I don't have to now when these tissues are no longer real now the problem is that one would think that by this point they're ready you know we can be more open about things but I have to say that just in the last couple of weeks in in our community and I am a part of this community as well for my first many years of marriage I lived I thought tvind upstairs here I lived five blocks that way two blocks to the left now I'm in Kew Gardens also Queens is is my home we've lost six youth in the last three weeks in our community all of them were lost to something other than what they died from all of them and I don't cuss for Sholem blame anybody for not wanting to be open about why a loved one passed away because nobody wants to go through that shame but at the same time if we don't accept the reality it's much harder to break the stigma and if we can't break the stigma we can't get people the help that they need and we can't make people feel comfortable enough to reach out and say what is it that can be done so I'm going to go through a few practical skills and I'm gonna cut my speech a little bit shorter than I was going to step number one and this is very much in line with what you've just heard we need to show support for those that are suffering and struggling they need us more than ever has anybody here ever heard of somebody going into a hospital and blaming somebody who got sick with an illness even somebody that smoked that developed lung cancer when they're sitting in that hospital room and sloan-kettering is their family yelling at them saying you smoked you did this to yourself or are they being supportive and praying for them and hoping that they get better we need to understand that addiction is a disease it's an illness nobody wakes up in the morning and decides I want to be an addict 21 years I've never had that happen yet not one person not one yet for some reason when people are suffering with addiction it's everybody's fault so rule number one we need to learn to be there to be compassionate you know there's somebody that both like the program on and I have very close with who repeated this story and it's skeered Lee says that he works with also with teens at risk primarily girls and he does support groups and he was at a support group one night and a woman looks at him and goes rabbi sometimes I wish my daughter had cancer and he looks at her goes why would you say that and he says why because my neighbor's son has cancer and all the neighbors come over to help and are involved and are concerned and care and I have a daughter that's on drugs that's no longer religious so none of my younger children have any friends because the neighbors won't let their kids come to my house nobody looks at us they look down at our entire family if my daughter had cancer people would care about me probably one of the most heartbreaking stories I have ever heard the second component is providing support for what we call the other affected parties very often when dealing with addiction and people don't realize this it's a family disease it doesn't only affect the person who is abusing drugs alcohol or whatever the addiction could be but it affects their spouse their children their parents their siblings and very often the person who is actually in need does not accept it and does not know that they want to get help and I could proudly say we removed them don't believe in that theory that so many people have heard and I'm sure many of you have heard it too oh until he's ready to get help don't call me and hang up no provide support for everybody around the person who's suffering or struggling so that they can learn to be a support for the person who needs it so together we can have a holistic approach to helping them it is sometimes more important to help the loved ones than the person who's suffering from the addiction themselves I use the example we talked about you know one of the one of the many methodologies of treatment is people going to a a meetings so by a raise of hands how many have heard of a a meetings how many have heard of al-anon meetings okay so exactly my point al-anon meetings is the equivalent of a a whereas a is where the addict goes al-anon meetings is where the other affected individuals go so the spouses of an addict the children the parents sometimes the close friends just as important as it is for an addict to be able to go to recovery is important for the support structure to be there as well the other thing about addiction and this is the most common request that we get we filled about 200 calls a day now a lot of them are calling the First National Bank of a modem which is not FDIC insured so it doesn't really help and they want to know if we can help fund hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of treatment I hate to break the news to those that own drug rehabs and like to keep the revolving door effect making a lot of people rich treatment does not have to break the bank does not have to put people into the poorhouse does not have to cause people to refinance their homes I will tell you about six years ago there was a mother who sold her candlesticks so that she can help pay for her son to go to treatment when there were 11 other treatment options equally or better than the one she was ending her child - that accepted the insurance that she had and this is something we see every single day literally I'm not exaggerating every single they have two of my clinical case managers are here they're in the back you're welcome to speak to them afterwards they can share this with you and you can ask them anything else you want every single day people right away assume if something costs one hundred thousand dollars that must mean it's the best course of action no that means that the guy that owns it needs to make hundred thousand dollars okay and very often especially in peer-to-peer support such as a a meetings al-anon meetings for the gambling addicts Ga meetings all the other types of fellowships they're free so that's extreme and I literally after says I have watched families go bankrupt and the sad part by us is they're not calling a mood until they're already bankrupt and now it now it's my attic and and this is where it becomes another vicious cycle every time somebody goes to a program or to a treatment and for some reason they don't end or finish it or complete it or remain sober what are the chances of them wanting to go to another one versus what are the chances of them feeling like a failure so I say this very clearly bad treatment that sometimes worse than no treatment and it is extremely important when people are going through addictions to get them the help that they need to understand that not everything that works for person a will work for person B I cannot tell you how many times I've heard someone say to me TV we got to send my son to this in this place because my friend sent there and it did great well yeah but your son's addiction isn't the same as your friends son's addiction or the underlying cause for addiction I can tell you we could put together five adult males 42 years old all using the exact same drugs the exact same dosage and just as often and each of them will need a different type of treatment one could be using drugs because they were suffering from trauma or abuse as a child one could have had a surgery that went bad get hooked on painkillers one could have started just recreationally there's so many different reasons and understanding the underlying reason for the eviction will also help determine the best course of action and proper treatment so there's no one-size-fits-all it is so important and I say this again to try to make sure that if people are finally getting the help that they need they get the proper help and they get it the first time around it doesn't always work nothing is guaranteed in life but we got to do the best we can the amount of research that our staff do on every single program to understand what the clinicians there are like what the staff is like what the family workshops are like you know there's so many different pieces I'll give you another example there's this concept that I'm sure many people have heard in order to get better you need to be sent away right now let me throw this example at you somebody goes to rehab and this is the part that I always find interesting it's supposed to be they start off always the same thing 28-day program and then all of a sudden 19 28 days to all we needed to extended care all we need to do extended care oh we need time you done it six months later six months later and I'm gonna use the example of a husband comes back home and what's generally the first thing that the wife does you left me for six months I was home with the kids I couldn't do it the bills tuition food what's easier for this person to do deal with the wife or just go back to rehab rehabs great we are are the triggers that are causing the person who is struggling from addiction to want to use or do whatever their addiction is at home so much better to try to find treatment closer to home so that they can work on whatever those triggers are with their spouse loved ones parents children siblings so that they can get rid of those triggers and not have to have this revolving door effect again something that we hear all the time now we have the other component how many people know people that might have benefited from going for treatment whether it's therapy whether it's 12-step meetings whether it's we had but all of a sudden they're worried about the stigma people are gonna find out especially in smaller communities I've said this story a hundred times I'll say it again if those have heard it I apologize one of the stories I witnessed this and it was scary to me I was by a woman she had five children and she was struggling with opioids after a botched surgical procedure of her last child during childbirth and this was a painkiller addiction that just led to led to and I'll never forget sitting in the room with her husband her parents her in-laws her family ruff there was an interventionist and everybody's talking to her and nobody's getting through to her and I finally look at her and I say mrs. so-and-so you realize the direction you're heading is you're going to die that's it and this is a well-respected woman from a good family nobody would have ever even known and she says I know but I'm still not going to rehab and I said why and she used the dirtiest word and the Jewish language that starts with the letter S shidduchim if I go to rehab who is going to marry my children to which I turn during a seven if you're dead she goes well if I'm dead then my children will be orphans people will marry them I'm happy to tell you thank god she's actually sober we got her to go and she's doing amazing percussion but the fact that that was her concern was she wrong no it's actually a valid concern unfortunately we have to break the stigma associated with people that are struggling and we can't break that stigma till we accept that it's a disease and once we accept that it's a disease it's like somebody that eyes cancer and I use that example purposely because yes I know I could say it's someone that has diabetes but I'm going all out for a reason and we don't blame the person that has cancer we cannot blame the person that has the addiction and then there's another thing you know we seem to forget than this I know you know you heard earlier but children they they also learn from our behaviors right so very often we look at alcohol as something that is not such a big deal now let me ask you does anybody here know what the average age in America is that parents first talk about to their children about alcohol 18 13 12 anybody here know what the average age in America is when a child has their first hidden drink 9 every jejunum I know average age in the United States is 13 that we talk about it 9 when they take their first drink anybody see a problem with that right now I'm not saying go talk to your child about alcohol at 9 years old by starting to explain every piece of the puzzle everything's got to be age-appropriate but let me ask a different question how many people are careful with the alcohol in their homes how many people are personifying alcohol how many times are men getting together and talking about this bottle 31 years 25 years 20 and all of a sudden that becomes the conversation and what did the kid see what are we teaching our children this bottle that I bought is the most important topic at this conversation or this you know the I made fun of this two years ago we my family was in Israel for a circus and in the amount of alcohol and and that was going on you know in raffia it was insane and all of a sudden I'm hearing these yeshiva students and Seminary girls talking about it like they said these are experts this vintage and this wine and these great they had no idea what they were talking about and let's all be very honest for a second by their third shot none of us know we're talking about okay so you can take a $10 bottle or hundred all battle makes no difference but the fact is when the children are and by the way I'm not going to deny this I enjoy I enjoy drinking responsibly I'm not saying that there should be no alcohol I'm saying be responsible I say this all the time in my house the liquor cabinet actually the that the glass is covered with pictures so my kids are not coming down every morning and sitting at the table eating is looking at bottles of wine or bottles of scotch that's not what's on display a bottle comes out to make a look high and buy a meal the bottle goes back in the door gets closed the meal is not surrounding the alcohol we don't it's not a discussion of how amazing this alcohol is because the children learn from what we in and this is something we don't even think about okay how many people have you good great bottle of wine put on a label you don't even think about it but you know what sometimes you give it some thought and all of a sudden things start to make sense the other thing when it comes to alcohol and this is extremely important and this is something we say I say all the time if you're ever someplace and somebody offers somebody a drink and the person says no that's where it ends period end of story for all you know that other person might be in recovery and the last thing anybody here wants us to be the cause of somebody to get peer pressure to me somehow forced into having another drink which will literally take them right back down to where they were got to be got to be careful with that now I will also say something a little bit scary but it's just the sad truth and it's funny you know when I was in high school you know five years ago was worth a shot different type of shot but yeah you know so it was like there was maybe like one or two guys that we knew of that smoked weed maybe I don't think I ever dreamt that I would see the day that I would have 14-year old clients using heroin I never dreamt of it even when I first started getting involved the ages that we're seeing people using drugs are younger and younger and when I first got involved in this about 21 years ago there was like it was mostly boys or men now we're about 50/50 in high schools especially 50% of our clients in high schools are girls 50% their voice so a lot of people assume that this is a boys problem where this is more that it's not true I'm sorry but where they afford it that first of all that's very cheaper we'll get to the questions afterwards but you can give away the secrets in time job no how did they afford it so first of all is not even about affordable very often I'll get to that very often you have children that are prescribed medications whether it's a DHD medications anti-anxiety medications prescribed now what happens if those children are taking those medications to school and the parents don't feel comfortable letting the school know that they have a child on medication so there's no monitoring of it and now all of a sudden once - do you know more friends like listen can I have your adderall because I have to cram for a test and all of a sudden they start sharing pills extremely common in high school and by girls especially it became the adderall diet so now all of a sudden you have people that are being prescribed medication giving it to their friends if the parents would tell the school what medications their kids are on there would be another level of protection but again because there's the stigma associated we can't get to that as well the other thing is that very often and this is all in our heads you know and I say this joke I was leaving Yankee Stadium two years ago pesach time all right we took well family and all of a sudden this guy was panhandling and he had up a sign I'm not gonna lie to you I just want to buy beer so I actually gave the guy 50 cents because I felt this honest he deserved something we assume that the addicts is the bum on the street the same way we assume that the sex offenders the guy in the trench coat that looks odd but the reality is that's not the case and we have people from lawyers doctors accountants Rob Bonham women prominent and communiques no difference everywhere that turned to addiction fault to addiction and it's for so many reasons there is no one reason first of all let's be very honest a lot of teenagers might start because it's fun it might just be something as simple as that okay doesn't have to be this crazy cause that got a teenager use drugs now what happens somebody starts using drugs now let me know how many people there have had a headache and taken to tylenols why do you take two that's what it says on the bottom right the bottle says when you take one anyone never have such a big headache two didn't work they took a third right right it happens right drugs is the same way so somebody takes a drug whatever it might be and as they start using it all of a sudden they build up a tolerance for it and now that dose no longer works for them so they got to increase the dose and increase and increase and increase now what happens when that person gets over hopefully besra am the body works in mysterious ways the actual chemical toxins that remain in the body leave very quickly the the fighting the urge lasts longer so now what happens seven months later six months later a person has a bad day hits another speed bump in the road of life and decides they need to take another hit they need to get another fix what's the person's first reaction is to go back to the same dose that got them their last desired high however by this point the body built up a resistance to the Medicaid to the toxins and what happens and that is actually the number one cause of overdose deaths and for the entire opioid crisis and in our community as well I could tell you that most people in our community that I've died of overdoses we're so over between 6 and 11 months that's just the numbers and we do keep track sometimes people have medical procedures gone bad turn to drugs sometimes people suffer from trauma turns to drugs you never know whatever the reason is but by the time they are addicted they are a cola they are as ill person they have an illness they have a disease we need to be able to help them period end of story then we also have this concept and this is such a gray area and I hate bringing it up but I say it anyway you know the fine balancing that we just heard dr. Perlman speak so beautifully about now try to go and bring that balance into the world of addiction we are we showing too much love or are we enabling or which one of the two is it and when is there a balance and the answer is there is no simple answer for every person it's different for some person some fess for one doing a might be the greatest favor and for someone else doing the exact same thing can be enabling them and causing them more harm seek professional advice when going through these things if cost for Scholem and you should never need to should it ever come up okay the other thing to keep in mind is that addiction today any type of addiction does not know the difference between ages genders religion it makes no difference it's an equal opportunity offender killer and destroyer of lives and Families makes no difference we need to be cognizant of that we need to understand it okay I can tell you that you know this was a amazing story I get from a a very prominent Russia Shiva of a very very prominent institution reaches out to me and says I need help my best student that I had my best student in the Beit Midrash this was the person that learns 18 hours a day it has a serious alcohol problem can you please help me how did this story get found out he used to come in every day with the coffee thermos and he would only drink the coffee himself until one day he tripped and when it spilled somebody smelled it and it was coffee except more than 50% the thermos was vodka and this went on for five years nobody noticed it nobody noticed it so at the end of the day this is the reality of some of the world now which is for just for a second especially since we're dealing with the new age so I love this when I speak in high schools I always get the response you know vaping the new the new drug so vaping has two major categories one is actual drugs that are being put into the vapes the other one is nicotine so by now everybody knows we've seen all the commercials all the ads but I always love that when people say it's healthier than cigarettes and I'm like yeah that's true if you're a smoker and you're trying to stop smoking and you're using it as smoking cessation maybe I don't know you know this is something that let the scientists figure out but if you never smoked it certainly are not healthier than cigarettes that's for sure or not and considering that the nicotine levels in most of the vapes are ten times the level of what's in a cigarette and the nicotine is the addictive part documents a lot of other things that will kill you in both of them something we need to keep in mind as well and the other part is that today already a lot of the drugs that are being laced and you know we can go into different levels but let's even say so some people are using vaping devices for marijuana but now already people are starting to mix other substances in with that something that has to be kept in mind what about cigars again definitely not healthy so people are not supposed to inhale it so therefore there's other cancers they get such as tongue and lip you know we can go through all the areas but certainly not so what age did you speak to children I'm going to give you the same answer dr. Perlman said you need to know your child better than I can I I don't know my kids I could tell you one of my kids I made a comment about something that he takes medication I said you take your drug this morning he goes drugs taught that those are bad I'm like no no I meant your medicine he goes that's not true drugs is what you deal with that's my kids but we're very open in my house that every topic goes again this is something that my wife and I have both been in this field for a number of years so it's a different area I say as young as young as you but that's that's vaping Jules is vaping that's the same rule is just a brand so I just went through that so I'm gonna answer that but let me first finish here and then I'll get to that so the important things to understand is knowing your own child that will tell you a great story there was a father that took his child to go meet someone who is an expert at dealing with quote/unquote teens at risk and this expert turns to the father and says what is your son's favorite drink what's his favorite soda and the father goes I don't know maybe coke maybe Pepsi he says you don't know your child's favorite drink and you're coming to ask me for advice how to parent your child when you know your child might come back to me for help start by knowing your child that's step number one so that's just extremely important now the other thing to keep in mind is marijuana is becoming legal in pretty much every state before we turn around very important to understand that marijuana's effect on the human brain development and this is scientifically proven by the way you can all go to drug abuse gov and really get a lot of very valuable information one of the tools that I always find works with kids is empowering them with scientific data instead of being the mean person learn it with them it's becoming legal but they need to understand the fact that till the age of 23 at the very minimal the human brain does not fully developed so even if it's legal it doesn't mean it's good for them let's remember that exactly we can compare it to alcohol which is legal and still kills many many people so at the end of the day the takeaways before we get to the questions which we'll get to in a minute are addiction is a disease and it's a family disease the only way to address it is to address it as a group break the stigma people should feel comfortable to reach out for help seek professional guidance there's a lot of non-professional guidance out there dr. Google is not the answer for how to deal with addiction or any child raising matters for that matter and keep in mind in your home when it comes to alcohol just keep in mind something we don't even think about what our children see is what they learn from we don't want them to learn from that and at the end of the day most of what we're dealing with and I'll end with this part the two-part ending how many of us in this room thought when we were teenagers that we were able to pull something over our parents eyes and we got away with it okay no really Wow nobody in this room I'm impressed must be a really tough crowd the fact is children always don't one step ahead our goal is to have good relationships healthy conversations i-i've said this story this is what I'm going to end with I know somebody and this was a style that worked for them told our child listen you're gonna go out you're gonna go do something if you ever get into trouble no matter what it is you can always call me and I promise you nothing will happen to you and it happened this kid got really drunk one night and called his father said daddy come pick me up I'm drunk 15 or 16 year-old boy his father picked him up didn't mention a word about where were you he was what he did or what had happened not a word the kid never got drunk again it didn't even have to this was the end because he felt comfortable enough to call him and realize that the hope is that we don't need to do these speeches anymore dr. Perman still here okay and would see after this Maya will be out of business for good reasons now answer questions we'll start um you remember you shot something out in mental what if your kids so my policy is always honesty above all because if your kids find ok sorry the question was one of your kids asked you if you ever used any substances or drugs when you were younger so I said my answer is honesty above all I might have made mistakes doesn't mean you should doesn't mean you should make the same one because if you lie to your children and they find out then you lost all trust and respect with them what if you sit like you mentioned it's a Shabbat dinner or holiday and you just you know you have a typical behind and you child wants to try so do you as a parent you'd rather than try and run of you if they're gonna try then you can for you to just be strong about and say no what is the best approach so I can't answer that question legally because that means I would be condoning an underage drinking one way or another so when I'm not being recorded we can answer that question I think you got my answer question about see video say CBD oil same effect on the Ray the answer is yes it does have the same effect on the brain and studies are coming out more and more and showing debt and then I love them I love it when the kids taught me what do you mean but I'm using it it's medical marijuana like yeah but grandma has glaucoma you don't so that's great so now go take your grandfather's blood pressure blood pressure medication because why not but yes it does have a negative effect as well so I will tell you something amazing the question was I don't have teenagers and kids have access to this so I will tell you agree something amazing I was sitting in the the world of a store having dinner with one of my donors when I was we have an office in Israel as well so I'm there pretty often and his granddaughter comes in to join us for dinner and he looks at me and says fee I'm begging you don't talk about a mood them don't talk about drugs don't talk about sex abuse don't talk about anything my granddaughter is an amazing girl she's in a top seminary she's in this great college program she's pre-med but but just she's perfect so of course what does that mean I'm gonna do I'm gonna start talking but I got away in a few minutes so I wait about 10 minutes and I turn to her and I said listen I'm just curious I'm getting on the ll flight at midnight tonight I'm sitting in coach between like I'm sure 15 kids you think you can get me a Clannad klonopin or something or an ambien that I can sleep because I'm just completely I know I'm gonna be wiped without thinking twice she picked up her phone and then she looked at a grandfather and put it back down and I turned to him and I said now can I ask her the truth within two degrees of separation every teenager you and I know can I get access to anything I can almost guarantee that [Music] [Applause]