Dr. Tamar Perlman | Transforming Our Marriages | CHAZAQ

great to see everyone here start our right with some learning and some some growing of course we want to thank Jacob's family for sponsoring this morning Earl's father M alyah amen all of our Bros and all of our learning and our growth elevat the sh higher and higher thank you so much for your sponsorship of course we want to thank hak as well uh for partnering with us in the programs that we run back as you know do really really life changing work and before introducing Dr prman I'm going reintroduce our friend Rob who to by I don't off from the Super Bowl but I want St a message from the Super Bowl we can L to the to the sh that um obviously the certain components to any sport that that make a team successful one of them is one of them of course um is is that is that you have to have Unity within the team every single person whe the entire whe whe whe they're whether they're on the bench whether they're a starter whether the quarterback everybody has to be United and course that that's one the sh you have all backgrounds all all all ways of life and ages and everyone is so United whenever I come here it's such a an inspiring thing of course um one of the components is um is is is culture they talk about heat culture all all these have amazing culture in the team and of course whenever I come here such a friendly environment of Al everyone cares for one another such a friendly environment and of course get to have an amazing coach an amazing leader in a team of course you have of course all leaders just word of course has organized and um together with different sh like like one of Cl we work together with different sh and programs or to inspire the community and it has major focus on public school Outreach programs in over 20 different locations to give inspiration to give education to public school students and um of course we we um and just like Ton's top today's topic building a healthy home kak is all about helping people backgrounds helping their relationships helping them live that's life with us and now hand it back over my dance thank okay so I have to say I'm very very excited as this is truthfully this is my first time hearing Dr pran speak uh but I should tell you that immediately when we uh you know when we when we put out the the uh the flyer that Dr K was speaking within moments with a second actually I got emails and responses back saying how people were so excited for Dr prman to come and what an opportunity we have here uh and Dr prman of course is speaking about a topic that is so so important U the topic of building a healthy home and this is really an area of expertise that Dr has and I I personally as always they certainly here are very very excited to hear from Dr prman word and With Honor uh it is my tremendous tremendous honor and pleasure to call on Dr rman to speak this morning thank you so much good morning everyone good morning I'm gonna put my coffee here with you good morning thank you so much for by Daner and this beautiful new community that I get to meet one of the pleasures that I get to have is I get to meet people Jewish people from all around the world and and this is a particularly special sweet moment when I get to meet a new community so thank you for this opportunity kazak and to any time it is always an honor to partner with you in the beautiful work that you do may this synagogue and all its members and the kazak and Tor anytime communities have continued blessing in all everything that matters to them so when it comes to a healthy home it's it's an important question that we ask what makes something healthy and one of the Privileges that I get to have as a clinical psychologist and more importantly as as a wife and a mother and a Jewish woman in the world is I get to learn from the world and from other people that I work with what works well and what doesn't I have every encounter that I have with a family with a couple with a woman that I work with I get to see their world and I get to see what's important what's not important so what makes a home healthy so there's so much to say about this and today I decided to focus on four points that I found most important to be able to share there's many things that have to be said about healthy home but today I wanted to focus on Four Points a lot of the pieces of what I work with is Early Childhood trauma or adult trauma that's a huge piece of the work that I get to do it's a privilege to do it it's being in the most kadosh and the most holy places with people and the question is what does it mean to have healed trauma and we could say there's such a thing as unhealed trauma and heal trauma what does that really actually mean so I'm gonna just make a reference to it but I'm not going to spend my entire um our entire talk today on that but if we had to narrow down what is healed trauma versus not healed trauma I would use one word which is connection when a person is connected to their parts and their mind their heart their soul are working together most of the time to me that means Health versus unhealth the more connected someone is to the different parts of them the more healthy their internal system is in fact we can use the word connection as one of the first premises of Health when a when a family comes in in front of me welcome good morning when a family comes in front of me and there is a conversation between a husband and wife that flows there is a knowing between the child's eyes and the father's presence there is something that feels like there is movement in the family that means there's Connection in the family and a lot of times what we see in others as that's a healthy family it's because it's a connected family when there's a connection between a husband and wife when there's a connection between parents and children that's going to be the first piece of what I'm going to talk about is connection so what does it mean how does how do we connect to the people in our lives you have already lived life and you know what connection is and what I want to share with you about two parts of connection that feel most important to me one is in parenting and the other one is in marriage parenting and marriage are two very different types of love it's fascinating in the sepharim and the Jewish text it talks about both loves and it's also interesting what your instinct is right now what do you think is considered a higher level of love both are considered of the highest levels love uh and but this is for my interpretation for what I've learned do you think it's parenting or do you think it's marriage parenting marriage marriage marriage it's fascinating I just want to tell you the process that I have gone through because this is this is my topic of interest when I went to um when I went to get my doctor it this is what I studied I studied relationships and I've always been fascinated by the idea of love and what is powerful love what is impactful love and in fact in bit in Genesis when Adam was created by God the two there's two times that Adam was created and R salvic talks about this in his book it's called family redeemed if you can get your hands on that it's a really powerful read There is the first creation of Adam which relates to the love of parenting and then there is the second creation of Adam which relates to the love of a marriage so let's talk about parenting first and what kind what what kind of Love Is the Love of parenting and what does it do for a child this is a this is a an example that I like to give I think I gave it just I gave a talk a couple of nights ago it was also uh kazak I believe Toren time taped it um it was a a time where I had to describe that my husband and I we took our kids to an Airbnb in Deal New Jersey we stayed there for a couple of nights and we took the kids out a bit and there was a thunderstorm one of the nights and we have mostly older kids and but we have one younger one and he was amongst the uh older kids but he got scared in the middle of the night and he couldn't find us and he was hearing this thunderstorm and in this thunderstorm he got scared he didn't know what it was he was in a new place and he couldn't find us and then I saw him in the hallway he was crying in the hallway I grabbed him and then he felt what in my arms connection love but it's a word that everyone's using now and in Psychology he felt safe right this word safe safety building a safe home that's a big word it's a big buzz word and it's it's an important word so he felt safe in my arms so I wanted to ask you a question when he felt this level of danger and fear was he right to have been this afraid was he right what was he in fact in that much danger he for him he felt afraid but he wasn't really in danger is this true but because the noise was unknown to him he didn't know how to interpret it he doesn't have the context we have of what a thunderstorm means so the unknown and the newness of it created a sense of danger inside him that was really partially an illusion is this true are we together but then I held him in my arms and he felt fully safe he can't feel safer this is as safe as it gets for him and of course we're there to protect him to do what we can for him but let me ask you a question if the danger had illusion in it does the safety have illusion in it too is he fully safe in all honesty is there such a thing so a child feels this fear and then feels this safety but is the safety I'm providing for him fully safe you tell me no it isn't we want it to be so badly right we want it to be but it's not fully safe but what does it do for him it gives him an ability to feel safety in that moment it gives him the ability to know what safety feels like inside so what a parent provides is a bridge for the child to experience safety to experience love to experience the worth that's already inside him not because what we have to give is perfect but because what we have to give is the way they learn about what's already inside them so the more we show up the more we give the more we show a child's Worth to them create safety for them reflect their worth to them the more they know how to connect to it themselves so a parents love isn't perfect but it's a bridge to the Perfection that's inside them and how does this come how does this parents love come in that moment when I held him right was this about him or was this about me it was both it's true because I also felt more comforted as I was holding him because I felt sad for him that he was crying right but let's say right now thank God we have a son that's in Israel he is learning in Yesa called measat we're really proud of him and last year when the war had started we had two sons in Israel and I can tell you that my husband and I both felt this Instinct initially to grab them from the hallway and bring them home there were thunderstorms that were not an illusion we heard them loud and clear we didn't know what that me and the parental Instinct really of protection was to bring them home we have a we have a sister-in-law a and Daniel gimpel their son Gabriel who was just by us he's serving in Gaza he's going back in two weeks if if that's still needed and she had dropped him off at the base many times the mother and the mother has said to me she said every time I was driving and I was getting closer to the base everything inside me was saying Turn Around take him home turn around take him home just take him home don't drop him off but when she does drop him off and we didn't pick up our sons from Israel is that love or is it not what is it it's love so the love of parenting is always about giving to the child what the child needs and sometimes it's with distance and sometimes it's with closeness but the point is that it's a one-way relationship where we always the givers and they're the receivers and what we give and don't give always has to do with what they need and don't need it's a one directional relationship what we receive from them is a gift if we know them and if they know what's important to us it's because we teach them not because we need them to know us aloneness and connection is not fulfilled by parenting the word lad aloneness is used with Adam to when he was created and and his wife was taken from his ribs and that was and that was the relationship between a husband and wife L not good for a man to be lad alone is a marital type of love and from what I learned from the saarim from the from the sources that it's actually an even deeper love than a parental love is a marital love because in that love it's no longer one directional when we're just not just but we are givers but it's two directional we're givers we're receivers in the merital love who you are matters not only so that you're a teacher but also because you want to be seen you want to be known you want to be understood your personality matters it's an even deeper love in some ways and what have I seen matters in this kind of love you know one of the top psychiatrists Dr wad he is the one that coined all this language of of um mirroring you know you've heard of this idea of mirroring so if you were to hold a baby in your hand right now and the baby smiled at you let's say it's not your baby you don't even know whose baby it is what are you going to do back naturally you're going to smile back we're look at notice your faces some of you are even smiling thinking about it right this is mirroring so when a parent Smiles at a baby and the baby smiles what does the baby learn love what' you say love be happy baby learns love be happy what is the baby how is the baby learning that the baby is learning by what connection when the baby sees you smile they also see that they are smiling they learn about their own smile through your smile this is what we said in terms of you are a bridge to their knowing of their inner self so they are kind of attached to you and because of their attachment they're able to learn from you and integrate from you do you see that but something happens in adolescence which is important when it comes to marriage because if we only see ourselves as extensions of others then we cannot love the way a marriage requires to love there was an example that just occurred and I just want to tell you when I give you examples from my office I have tremendous deep love and respect for the people I work with when I talk about them I don't really tell you of course I change stories around so they're not identifiable but it's not even that I really tell you about what they've taught me as opposed to their story and they teach me so much their lives are so rich with movement and growth I cannot not share with you what they've taught me so one wife was telling me I cannot believe that in that moment where I needed my husband to show up for me the most he ended up being an hour late to pick me up I can't I can't believe it and she feels that rejection in that moment that pain in that moment and there is a lot of times when a couple comes in what they're aching is what their ache is is that e one of two aches either disconnect from each other or not being seen and valued as a person it goes into one of these two categories we don't have enough connection or we don't have enough knowing which and in The Knowing is understanding he doesn't understand me she doesn't see me she doesn't appreciate me and in the connection is we don't spend enough time together we're not we're not a unit we don't agree on things it the problems of marriage fall basically in one of these two categories and we come home and I see that I needed him to apologize to me for being so late and then he just goes into his room closes the door and I don't have access to him I don't even know what's going on with him obviously he had a bad day and I don't even know what's going on with him and this entire time she's in the kitchen just wishing to understand what's happening with him can you imagine such a scene maybe not in Roslin and Roslin in Roslin things things like this don't happen but outside of Roslin sometimes they do and then I ask her which is a question I love to ask if you could do anything in the moment where you're in the kitchen and your husband's in a bad mood upstairs if you could do anything you want what would it be anything what would she say what do you think she would say thank you for the table what would she say what does she really want what love it she wants to feel love right in that moment she feels like her husband's in his own world and she's in her own world and she just wants to feel connection is that true does she feel like she has access to connection the men in the room are saying just come upstairs and talk to me tell me what's on your mind right and the women in the room are like yeah I totally get why she's not going upstairs yes and this is what's happening in my office all the time why don't you come and tell me why doesn't she go upstairs and tell him she wants love why doesn't she want what she wants to she wants him to know on her on his own and also she doesn't feel like he wants it she doesn't feel like he wants it he'd rather be alone and is there truth to that would he rather be alone and the men inside they're not nodding cuz some of their wives are here but the men are saying I don't know she's on to something they would rather be alone that's where they're at in that moment so then here is this she feels rejected and disconnected he is kind of alone and and she's just in her rejection and pain and guess what there the distance between them only grows cu the next time this happens even though the kitchen and the bedroom are the same distance apart physically the distance between the two of them is further apart and this is a cycle of marriage all they want is each other and all they do is miss each other and the same thing gets repeated over and over again and this is when they come in they're like they there's like a helplessness this cannot change but there's a hope because they're in front of me so what's one of the shifts so this is we're still talking about connection we said that a parental love is one directional it's about being a giver to what the child needs and the reason why a child's able to learn from the parent is because they don't see them as separate from the parent do you see that so because they're so attached they're able to internalize this bridge of I'm safe I'm loved I matter but now I'm talking about marital love which is two directional and it has an important component that a CH that a love of a child doesn't have in the same way so then I turn to her and I say why is he upstairs by himself he just doesn't want to talk to me he's mad at me I probably upset him he just does he can't like he just doesn't want to deal with me but when I turn to him if he could spend 10 minutes talking about what is going on for him inside if we have enough of a relationship at that point it has nothing to do with her he stressed he just had a hard day at work something fell through he got embarrassed and in this place he not only does he not want does he not know what to do with her he doesn't even know that he could have somebody next to him when he feels this low why would I tell her about my stress why would I overwhelm her with it in fact a lot of the way that he built himself up and got to where he got to is by being alone and figuring it out on his own I didn't worry my mother I didn't worry my sisters I had to figure out on my own so now I'm in my bedroom trying to figure this out on my own so there's a whole world happening for him and a whole world happening for her and they don't know about each other's worlds so the first step of marital love is to be able to see the other as separate from you to think what is happening for him that has nothing to do with me what is happening for her what does she need that doesn't have to do with me if a parental love starts start with attachment a marital love is buil starts with separateness seeing what is it in the other person what's happening for him oh maybe he's oh I didn't know he was so stressed the truth is I kind of did know and then I asked her so what do you want to do now like I just want to go upstairs and give him a hug when she starts to be able to see him as separate from him not goings it's true that we need two more sessions for that you're right about that but she also needs something from him and he's not dealing her this she needs also something from him we're gonna get there we're GNA get there I know it's it's exciting when we talk about other [Music] couples and we will get there yeah so you know what let's get there now let's take this further the rabbi mentioned today that the the the definition of beauty is not just by the weather or something of the sort right in fact the Torah talks about what is beauty and it's one of my favorite definitions of beauty raos shapir talks about this in his books on on the par on the weekly portion of the Torah and he says that the the ugliness is Kor which is opaqueness one of the definitions there's two that when you don't see who the person really is on the inside then there is you don't see their beauty so Beauty in a way is revelation self-revelation that the more transparent someone's soul is the more beautiful they are that's why our forefathers and foremothers uh were in in in some ways described as beautiful because really they're outer their outer self represented their inner self it wasn't a shell it was a revelation it was a window the the way they acted and the way they looked was a window and not a barrier so why am I telling you this now because she feels rejected and really what she needs to do is what what does she need to do to overcome her rejection feel what for him but what does she need to feel for him compassion love to be able to take the risk to go upstairs and give him a hug is this true but what about him he's a child of immigrants he came here when he was young and his parents were struggling and he is the one that went and and worked in the cleaners for 12 hours a day and then he got through school little by little and all the stress that he had and the way that he became successful was by Boy by being alone or by telling his mother everything how aloneness is his strength he keeps this inside also he's like if I show her that I'm so stressed will she still like me will she still respect me even though I made all these mistakes it is uncomfortable for him to share himself in this place he doesn't know how to be together in aloneness he doesn't know how to invite her into that dark place he's like when I'm successful I know how to connect but I when I feel not successful and I feel low I don't know how to invite anyone else in that place but then she says to him but I'm lonely we can't only be connected when things are good and he says to her I'm stressed I'm not trying to reject you are you with me so far there this is what aeral love does we're going to circle this back back after our three other points but marital love makes you shed parts of you that conceal you and makes you reveal parts of you that show more of who you are if she Taps into her compassion for him then she becomes even more beautiful because she's more compassionate more kind and if he lets her in because she doesn't he doesn't want her to feel rejected and alone he has now also become less more soft more kind more connected so marital love unlike unconditional love makes you change for the other and makes you become more of who you were meant to be and with that it also makes you healthier because it makes you remove the barriers that are inside you he has a barrier he's not connected when I am stressed I need to be alone disconnected I am I'm not trying to be cranky I'm not trying to be angry I'm not trying to be mean to my kids I just don't know how else to be because I'm not connected but if I let her in then I become a bit more connected I remove the barriers and I become more of who I'm supposed to be that's not how we're wired that it's fascinating that you say that because that's part this is going to be in number number three it's going to be number three because we're missing half this is what it is is that parental love in some ways feels more natural even when it hurts but marital love doesn't feel natural even though it's actually our deeper Essence it's our deeper Essence so let's take this further so we have two pieces so far we have parental love which is basically self-sacrificial about being a giver so that the child has the bridge between themselves and and unconditional love and selfworth and then we have marital love that has some separateness in it because it has it's not unconditional you know people always say like I I want him to love me unconditionally I want her to love marriage is not unconditional because it's conditional it works as well as it does if it's done right and it moves towards unconditionality but it doesn't start there doesn't start there so marit of Love allows us to shed parts of us that are in the way of ourselves and in the way of each other and the only way that it happens if you see each other are separate from you separate from the other so number one there are four things are we together so far is this more than what we ask for for a Sunday morning I'm I'm I'm gauging you I'm gauging you so far and so far we look okay so we have we have three more points and the other ones will go let's let's number two so so what's part of the health in a in a in a family is to be able to have connection with children and to have connection with with your spouse what's number two I'm curious if you did for those of you that have children one Shabbat meal ask them what you think what they think are your values and ask separately for your hus for the husband and for the wife each of your children will likely say different things and will definitely say different things about you and your spouse and you can help them with values with if you depending on their age say like what's most important to Daddy what's most important to Mommy what are things that matter to us the most um recently the OU did a huge study together with uh graduate school at Yeshiva University about what what family systems do well in how their children end up living with the values that the parents gave a fascinating study and I got I got it's a they put in so much beautiful work into it and I and I and we were privileged my husband and I to take a peek at it before it was published one of the main themes were that families that transmit values well are clear about what matters to them Healthy Families have have values and are not afraid of them that are not sheepish about them they're clear about them they own them and they're willing to make sacrifices and their children see this is what matters to our parents I there's a story that I heard from r wallerstein z I used to work with him in in a school for teens for girls that were teens at risk I was a Clinical Director there for a number of years I got to learn a lot from him he wor he was really one of my role models as a human being to work with he passed away a few years ago I really miss him you know during this time of the war I missed him even more because I just wanted to have the snowing like what would he say right now even though in a way my soul knows what he would say I really missed him even more I just want to pause here for a moment speaking of connection and how we know that connection is something we seek the mo of the most is if I don't know if you have the same quasi Obsession that I have which is watching The Reunion videos of the hostages with their families like over and over again we're not watching them eat a meal we're watching them connect with their family members of all the things their body missed even more than food it was that hug with Mom it was that hug with wife we're wired for wanting connection even when seeking that is something that feels very unwired inside us so he told a story about a couple that became wealthy and in one of his first um gifts to his wife for a holiday this husband wanted to buy his wife something very special and unique and he didn't know what to do with money yet I know it's a problem many wish to have but he went to a very wealthy um important person and he asked what what do you think I can buy for her for this holiday and he said I'll tell you something that's most valuable buy her this bird a specific bird you can only buy in this particular Village from this particular bird seller it has it is the most valuable thing for you to buy so he goes ahead and buys this bird he brings her this bird and all the wives in the room are like husbands don't listen to the story I don't want a bird and and he says I don't know how to cook it I don't know what to do with it but let's figure it out this is new for you this is new for me so she tries to cook this bird and they sit down for a meal and they're expecting to taste something like like never had this is always what we seek we seek newness right this is going to be a different type of bird and they can't even chew it this reminds me one time we were at a meal with our kids thank God we get to take our kids sometimes to these like events right and and they they had duck and I remember one of my kids turning to me and say like do they just have chicken why do they have to have duck it's just it's just not the same as chicken so sometimes what we want really is what's familiar to us but here he was looking to feel the richness that he now was he wanted to feel rich by eating this bird but he wasn't feeling rich and he's like maybe I just don't know how to be rich because this tastes not good to me and maybe we didn't cook it well so he goes back to the original guy who suggested the bird to him and the guy is his eyes widen he said you cooked the bird you're not supposed to cook that bird that bird is the most magnificent singer it's able to follow Melodies and it's going to fill your house with song you cooked it raos shapir talks about the power of yum kipur yum kipur helps us put what's priority in number one and what's not priority in number two and three most of life's mistakes is when we prioritize the secondary and make the secondary the priority yeah the bird could be cooked but that's not its priority that's not its Essence that's not what it is a healthy family and a healthy person is one that knows what's the bird for is it for singing or is it for cooking I remember one client telling me these are moments that I experiened where I want to stand up to the people I work with she said I grew up poor and I had I I didn't even have money to get pizza when my class had Pizza day my parents didn't have it so now that we are very well too I'm excited that we get to be the ones that um get to give the playground to the school because we get to give the playground and the kids have a playground then we get to choose the teachers we want I like this I like the way that feels but then she turned to me and she said in one of these moments that have humility and Power in it all at once she said Dr prma but you know what I don't want anymore I don't want to feel like the better person in the room anymore I needed to feel that at first where being rich made me feel better cuz it kind of felt like it was repairing being that I was poor and I was worse but she like I don't want this feeling I like the power I like the impact it gives me but I don't like this feeling that I'm better than my friends this is not she's saying this is not why God gave me the money so that I feel better that's not priority this is not the bird singing This is the bird being cooked a healthy family is able to use the bird for singing not for cooking and when that always comes I think with sacrifice I just want to tell you that I grew up in a traditional home but I remember my father telling me stories he's uh my father is a dentist and he went to medical school and that he wouldn't eat the meat with his friends when they would out to dinners as a child I remember growing up with that story and I remember learning and internalizing living with value living with priority means living with sacrifice and I think part of today's culture is that we're afraid of sacrifice because it's all about comfort and it's all about what feels right to you in the moment and I think we're afraid to transmit sacrifice to our children but what else does learning living with sacrifice mean it means that they're able to have self-esteem I'll tell you what what I mean we think that what builds self-esteem is just unconditional love but that's not true when a four-year-old writes right now our 5-year-old is learning how to write and he wrote a note to our son in Israel and it said love luuv and his name over an entire page now when our older son is going to get this note how is is he going to feel like a million bucks right everything's in those three letters L UV love that's all that everything is contained in it but let's say in 10 years from now he writes him the same letter they're boys maybe that would be enough that's the truth but let's see that's the note he writes um and he gives it to me and he said this is my project this is what I wrote but the Moa gave me a d that's not fair I did it that's all I wanted to do and a lot of pop psychology would say no make him feel good about what he did it's good what you did is good it's good this is how you felt but will he believe you what's the answer will that build self-esteem it won't it won't build self-esteem because he knows he could do better self-esteem is built in children when they stretch themselves when there is some sacrifice involved when they feel the stretch inside themselves they feel I can do hard things isn't that something you wish that we knew a little bit better we can do hard things when you see people with self-esteem they have a sense of we can do hard things and that comes with sacrifice and that comes with being able to know what the bird is for is it for cooking or is it for singing so then you have these two ideas connection values and sacrifice but then I want to tell you something else I had a girl when I worked at the school for teens at risk this is number three when I worked at the school for teens at risk um I had a father and daughter come in I'll never forget this I there's some moments that become part of the way I view the world and this is one of them and the Father the father said of all the things she's doing and she was basically she really felt a lot of lack of self-worth and she was acting in all the ways that you think someone that doesn't feel worthy would act in every way and in many ways this teenage daughter was A parents worst nightmare and he sat next to her it was fascinating because he said what bothers me the most is that she smokes it was surprising cuz that's not usually what I hear from parents what bothers me the most is that she smokes and in that moment how did she feel as he says this by the way she felt very judged and she felt like I just don't want to be around Daddy all he says is all the things that bother him about me you know when I sit in front of teachers now I no longer work with teenagers just CU because I don't have the patience for them I can't work I now thank God hire Associates that are amazing with teenagers cuz they are still they're just amazing at teenagers God bless them they work really well with teenagers and it but when I did work with teenagers it was a privilege to work with them they taught me a lot and I remember this one girl she's telling me about this party that she went to and she was challenged at this party with behaving in ways that she knew were not reflective of who she wanted to be but then she's telling me about the moment that she Rose to the challenge and she didn't act on something she didn't in those moments when I sit there as a therapist in the room I feel a little bit guilty because I wish that she was telling this to her mother or to her father like how do I get to privilege to hear this story so then I asked her did you tell your parents that you did this did you tell your parents that you were challenged with this and you did you tell them and she says I can't I can't tell them because for me to tell them that I overcame this I'd have to tell them where I was and as soon as I start to tell them where I was they won't want to hear anything else I have to say they won't want to hear it so this is number three number three of a healthy home is the capacity to listen if we want to have connection with our children that means we need to be willing to listen to things we don't want to hear and not only listen to things we want to hear listening means being open to hearing something you don't know and if you want to connect to your child you can't give them the feeling that you only want to be fed what you want to know that you're open to hearing even what you don't want to know listening is I think of the most powerful tools to connection and it always changes it helps you be flexible in after about a year of be of stunning work this first girl did she comes over to me and she goes Dr P it's been 32 days since I touched the cigarette 32 days so of course I asked her did you tell your father I remember him a year ago sitting here I hated that she's a smoker but now she has shed many ways that she behaved and she was living a very worthwhile life so I asked her and guess what she said no but this is something he'd want to hear don't you think she said I think he gave up on me a long time ago so so listening helps you know what the other needs because first she needed acceptance and now she needs Pride she needs acknowledgements she needs appreciation when you listen to the other you know how to respond to them you're not just listening to yourself and the reason I put this right after the values point is because sometimes how we respond even though our values stay the same shift based on where the other person is at if you're always the same that means you're not responding to the people around you even though your values could be the same listening is also the most important thing in marriage and a lot of times when a couple comes in and they say we don't communicate well and then something changes in the session they leave the session they feel like something new happened do you think they said anything new what do you think nothing new they've said the same thing 274 times she said something about his mother and he said something about her brother and this was a circle they said the same exact thing it wasn't like but what's new you know when a couple comes in each of them has a narrative their narrative right and what do they want from me what do you think yes for sure what they want for me is for me to agree with the right narrative now which is the right narrative the one that they have right their whole goal in the first session is that you hear my narrative and you agree with the narrative I have what's my goal what's my goal in the session so that's what I need to do so that thankfully is not so hard for me I could see the patterns and I could see the pieces it's not I have this point I really don't have biases and if I do sometimes it takes me a couple more sessions to not have any bias I'm really able to see the truth in every narrative but what's my goal for them is to hear something new that haven't heard before in the old story that's my goal that's a successful first session is when they hear something new this is how intimacy and a relationship is built is when you listen and are able to hear something you haven't heard before in a newer way in a deeper way a lot of times you know what your spouse is about to say and you can finish their sentence and you know exactly what you're going to say back how they going to say back and we go in these loops and nothing new happen nothing new happens [Applause] so listening to something and I like to ask this question what's something that she's telling me that I'm not listening to what's something he's saying that I'm not responding to and now I want to end with four this is a hard one to convey in what I want to do in 3 minutes but it's too important not to convey it people I had I had given talks on anniversaries sometimes of very hard moments and more recently I had given a talk around a time that it see when people are so down and they're they don't have the will to live anymore and they make choices they make choices that feel choiceless in the moment but they don't have the will to live anymore and they feel like they just cannot be in this life and somebody asked me if someone is struggling with such a deep depression what do I tell them what do I tell them do I tell them no it's it's not so bad do I tell them what what is what is my response to them and I thought about this and this is what I want to tell you this is the last point I want to make it has two points in it the last Point has two points in it I think by now you see that my points are not always one point but I hope the essence comes through I said you cannot convince somebody that something isn't bad you can't convince a couple that they're not hurting they are they're hurting so badly you can't convince a person that they feel so much pain that it's overwhelming them you can't you can't fight against that pain the only thing you could do is offer hope that it could be different and that maybe that difference is worthwhile and allow them give them some Choice inside them to do the fight themselves you know you said we're not hardwired for this it's true because we have to choose it when I worked at this teens at risk I worked there for a number of years as a Clinical Director and I want to tell you those were some of my most sleepless nights beyond the babies that I stayed up with I had girls in emergency rooms and I had rehabs and I had overdoses it was really scary to work there it was really scary to work there I remember still in my mind's eye sitting at the top of the staircase talking quietly cuz I couldn't wake up my baby and I didn't want to wake up my husband who has his own sleepless night nights with the programs that he runs and I remember how scary it was to work there all those times and how I didn't know how it would end would I ever miss an overdose would I ever was it was I supposed to send a gour to the ER that I didn't send cuz I didn't want her to feel the shame and I took the risk it was always in this tension right I'll Circle back to that in two s in in two minutes so when I sit in front of a couple or I sit in front of a person that says it's not worth it it's too hard all I want to do is give them the hope that it could be different right at the end of the day living with health is living in the hope and not just in the despair I always say that the power of love and life is more powerful than trauma all of this talk on trauma and all of the sacredness to trauma and it's true trauma tells a real true story about us that needs to be addressed but life hope connection is always more powerful than trauma so two pieces about that I'm sitting in front of an addict he's a husband he's had many years of severe addiction to a few things really not just one or two pretty severe addiction and he's getting married and he says Dr prman I don't know if I could do this if I go back to my addiction I'm going to hurt her I'm going to hurt my children I don't even know if I should have children is it is it worth it to take the risk I can ruin their lives I'm afraid of myself I'm afraid of what I could be I know what I could be it's pretty bad and do I believe him I do I believe him do I know for sure that he won't be bad do I know for sure I don't so he can be and he needs to be afraid of his bad so that he protects himself and he does the work he needs to do but he has a choice in the very parts that we're not wired we can choose to live in the hope of the life is it worth it for you to try is it possible you'll be able to love her and respect her you'll be able to be a different father to your kids that your father was to you is it possible that that will happen and I want to tell you the most important piece when I started to do trauma work this was many years ago I have a ranita I have a mentor I speak with I felt very afraid to do the work it's like Soul surgery it's like it's like neurosurgery of the Soul you get into this space you don't want to cut off too much you don't want to leave anything behind it's all the essence of the human being so I sat in front of my raban and I said to her reron Herer I'm afraid to do the work I feel so small these were my words I remember we were sitting on two pullout chairs in the in the yard and of course the part of me the human part of me wants to hear what from her what do I want her to say to me you're you're so good you're amazing no one can do this better than you right but she said the wisest words to me this is the gift of a mentor they tell you something you don't yet know not just affirm something you already know she said you're as small as you need to be don't think you're any bigger you're not the one doing the healing so when I left be when I left this High School I turned to my sister-in-law and I said to her I'm so grateful no one no one died on my watch I really felt this I felt relief in that when I told this to RAB won he said we can only be grateful if also no one dies not on your watch he's he is a Step Beyond me right he's like it's not about you we don't want anything to happen whether or not you're here and she said to me you needed to do your work you needed to be afraid to do your work but God was with you the entire time so I want to tell you in all of these pieces of connection movement Essence listening all we need to do is our part that choice we make in the very parts that we don't feel wired but that we rewire ourselves to our true Essence and the outcome of it almost doesn't make sense trauma work works it's just a bit of this and a bit of that and some real hard choices by the client and the healing is right in front of me couple's work works the couple comes in they literally think they're hanging on a thin thread they're coming almost just to prove to themselves that they did it but a little shift here and a little shift there and the a marriage they didn't even know they could have as alone as I felt on those nights sitting at the top of my steps I needed to feel the aloneness so I did my part so I woke up at 2: a.m. and I called Connecticut Westchester Hospital I needed to do my f because if I didn't feel alone I wouldn't have done it but ultimately God was protecting these girls in me the whole time we do our part and then the healing the result result the satisfaction the bigness is beyond our part cuz we're not alone ladies and gentlemen thank you for this beautiful morning together I bless us all that we celebrate the the bigness of what we get from the small steps that we take thank [Applause] you thank Dr proman for really an incredible talk I'm sure I'm not the only one who's going to go home tour any time for the next couple hours please nobody call me I'm be listening to all Dr Fan's material um again it's on Torah anytime and uh and where else YouTube with the I think it's usually kazak puts it on also puts it on also and on yeah sometimes it goes on YouTube also but it depends okay so just Google Dr proman you'll find there you'll find those more of these important important topics thank you so much thank you to kazak thank you again to the Jacobs family for sponsoring and of course thank you to yigal for I forgot to mention it before thank you so much to eal for uh for for for bringing in the bagels and the and the crewes and everything thank you so much wouldn't be able to do it ad him