Dr. Pelcovitz on Mental Health Awarness Month

I feel that even though um a uh one shot hidden run um is never going to I think really move the needle and anything but that's that's the beauty of this is that the time span is spread out and it's a much broader kind of uh kind of effort to to uh make people more aware you know the eye see is only what the Mind knows and um one of the things that I I I see in various communities who really invest in mental health awareness that it really opens up people's uh eyes and hearts to the realities of uh first of all of of just being able to identify ify um you know this is depression this is anxiety these are the issues that we're struggling with once we're able to talk about them and name the monster that's the beginning of being able to conquer and and and improve our um our um state of mental health I think there's definitely been um some very striking kinds of improvement we have a long way to go but uh there was a survey done um headed up by uh some of my colleagues Dr do Dr sweinberg um over at nephesh an organization for um um mental health professionals in the Orthodox community and Dr elzar schn that actually compared over a 25 years year period how have attitudes changed towards mental health and they clearly saw their focus was on rinic leaders and how often they refer and how they how stigmatized they think um mental health issues they were able to identify you know in a very clear kind of way some very significant kind of improvement we still have a long way to go people are I I I think I see even in in Thea community even in the more um right-wing communities there's been significant Improvement but in the modern Orthodox Community it's become almost like a casual casual isn't a good word but a level of comfort with uh with uh going to a therapist when my children were younger um and now in the case of my grandchildren uh just recently one of my grandson said hey um oh you know I um my friend told me that he uh that he was uh in your home office today you know to talk and then and then they talk about it openly and there's something so refreshing about it you know there was a time when I started in this field over 40 years ago there was um so much uh emphasis on my having to make appointments when people wouldn't bump into somebody they knew and really a lot of Shame connected to it I just don't see that any anymore in nearly the same way that may be anecdotal but again the survey uh by um by the fineberg and by schnall I think clearly shows some very significant Improvement but we clearly have a long way to go the first thing is to identify you know what are the areas that we really are struggling with um to me the main area that's been a a challenge is not just Co and the Way co has um you know led to a rise in anxiety and a rise in depression and in um struggles academically and in Social areas and in spiritual connection as well so that's something that is clearly been been a challenge lately um but um I feel that there's a um a need to um identify for for example to me the most um common question I'm asked about uh when I go and lecture in different places or I go to different communities and different parts of different parts of the world it doesn't matter if it's the Southern Hemisphere or if it's um you know the New York uh New Jersey area but in in General East Coast West Coast um the real uh challenge seems to be um um anxiety tremendous rise in anxiety um in ways that we didn't quite um have that as as strongly as we used to um just before covid um I gave a talk with some colleagues to the uh General community in the five towns about um you know helping your children cope with anxiety and it was a very rainy night I was I was expecting there to be just a handful of people there if anybody I thought I'd have a you know a nice intimate talk with uh with the people who uh own the house that this uh this program took place in and literally the traffic jam of people waiting to hear about this topic and believe it wasn't me it was the the focus was um people are anxious about how do we deal with the fact that our children seem to be so much more um anxious and depressed than they ever have been and that was before Co now it's somewhat going on steroids there are challenges in certain areas that are very real you know many tied to covid many TI tied to the way the re-entry from covid has been Complicated by more and more um challenges uh in terms of uh you know it's like we're all in an emotional yo-yo in terms of what's going on but um with that being said we're doing something about it there's a real feeling I get that people people are open you know you would think that people might have been embarrassed just to talk about that that program and many similar programs to that more recently so you think people would be embarrassed to come and certainly be embarrassed to be seen on videos that's just not the case anymore and that's that's a real change in terms of the state of mental health but um if you ask about the specific areas where there are challenges there are areas um social media has been a massive game Cher in terms of perspective taking in terms of the world becoming more mean and more vicious in some ways um and um in a way that um I think uh parents um and Community leaders and Rabbi leadership need to really name this monster know how to deal with it and uh and directly address the need for civility in discourse the need for perspective taking the need to talk to our children about things that they may be very nervous about there's been a tremendous rise in anti-Semitism there's been a tremendous rise in terms of uh now the war the war in in Ukraine so um the the there's a um refreshing their kind of openness to having these kind of programs and have really nice um participation in in in these uh programs to me an overarching challenge is um the impact of social media in a way that's really changed what we're exposed to as adults and what children are exposed to um there's a change in Civ civility you know there's a c certain lack of Civility um that that I often see you know there's um there's be because of social media there's a um it it it tends to um Empower those who are status seeking extremists I don't know that it's a community that's really the way we feel but um there's um just as an example just to throw out a statistic those who deactivate their Facebook accounts report feeling happier um but um it's very hard to keep that deactivation going um it's woven into the fabric of our identity and is often our main news source and this is very much part of our community's DNA um there's that's one one challenge that I I feel is uh really very much uh very much there there's um the rise in anxiety that was addressed a little bit earlier um and um that has um seems to have um going along with um the stress of uh people continuing to have to work from home uh where you have parents who are um are responsible for supervising their children and then they go on lockdown and coming back and forth like yo-yo and that's been something that's been very stressful for people um there's um also uh the issue of um uh um uh marriage um uh the challenge with marital um marital kinds of challenges is that people don't necessar necessarily have realistic expectations uh there's been a uh problem um in general in society where parents have been um very hesitant about saying no to their children and putting limits on their children and that's a pretty massive shift in society not just in our community but in general but in our community we do tend to have a tendency towards um you know what some refer to as snowplow parenting you know where we just sort of push away all obstacles from our children and um it's something that is uh very very uh difficult kind of uh challenge because it's led to um kids not growing in ways that they would otherwise I'm hoping that as the pandemic uh gives way to The New Normal that we'll be able to get past that but um but but it's marriage parenting um sex abuse which is an area that I you know speak about a lot um so I feel like sometimes I feel like I have an overly um uh um kind of negative negative of you I see it I see it all over the place so I'm the last person Trust on this topic in the sense that um you know I get so many calls about it all the time but um there's been some real improvements in terms of um our community's ability to deal with sex abuse we have a long way to go but um there's a uh very clear kind of um um continuation of um of of abuse there are organizations that are out there now um many organizations that have changed our perception of um how we can't sweep it under the carpet uh there have been some amazing videos and um uh materials available out there and um you know from what I've been seeing is um and it's it's echoed in National Data in the general Community uh there seems to be greater awareness of abuse and greater willingness to talk about about it and not be hampered by people blaming themselves but we have a really long way to go on that to talk about abuse as an example there um parents um using some of the um wonderful materials that are out there in the community your educational materials there are books where you could sit down with your child and talk to them about Abuse Prevention there are programs out there that never existed before used to be swept under the carpet and now as an individual you could really make a difference I I I could tell you um countless situations where parents have spoken to their children about uh child safety about Abuse Prevention and the child um then comes to them saying hey you know something I um uh somebody touched me inappropriately and led to first of all to um sometimes the arrest of a perpetrator or certainly to being able to put in um all kinds of uh protective devices and um even if it doesn't guarantee that there will never be an appropriate touching of a child the research shows that just the child knowing that you're helping them uh um uh feel believed and knowing that they could do something about it makes all the difference there are always setbacks there's been you know scandals with failed rinic leadership scandals with failed um failed leadership in general there's been um some very real um sources of of true anxiety there's uh not just Ukraine there's also um a tremendous increase in anti-Semitism and if um as an individual you have a child who might be um uh wired in a way that you're anxious and nervous and sort of uh have a hard time with instability um then we we you know parents um and leaders need to know how to talk to our kids about this we need to know how to you know surround them with the protective shield and to the extent that we could do that um a setback could be changed to um a source of growth um you know part of life is uh there's the Hebrew statement that we live on a narrow bridge we all live on a garar mode and there's nothing like some of the recent kinds of um tragedies and instability to make clear to us how uh you know we we live we live with we live with um UNC uncertainty and fear but ultimately that could become a source of growth the Hebrew word for nission or a a um a trial and tribulation a challenge is also atomically tied to the word for something that is transcendent or a song or a source of growth so you know there's this double-edged part to this but um my find that this has become an incredible opportunity for people to take a step back ask themselves some basic existential questions that need to be asked you know why am I here um you know what are my goals um how do I want to spend my time many parents I find as a result of everything that's been happening have been focusing more on spending time with their children um which I find to be you know very very inspiring some of the silver linings are exactly um exactly you know not not not so obvious but as we've been um forced to stay home on lockdown depending on where we live and on on the neighborhood um you know people have come to appreciate the beauty of um time alone with our children the beauty of being able to have dinner together in ways that uh weren't so wasn't so common in the past a reassessment of what matters and what doesn't we know that many people have um reconsidered their career goals and um many children have come to feel closer to their parents because there's time to really talk about real issues I'm not saying it's all you know easy and there's been some tremendous tension um you know every mental health person I know their phone has been ringing off the hook um and uh but with that there's also um people when they calm down they're able to see um a lot of a lot of the Silver Linings and there really are silver linings you know many people I find um have um upu their game in terms of spiritual Connection in terms of um connection to families some people have been brought down by it there's been a tremendous increase sometimes in marital conflict tremendous increase in all kinds of um in all kinds of family challenges but I find that um people have been kind of forced to work on things hopefully and that's that's made a real difference my impression is that it's that it's that it's worsened that um it's my single biggest concern it's um it's worsen in terms of um people getting locked into um a place where they have a hard time with perspective taking um our political discussion networks have been shrinking in recent decades um people have surrounded themselves with you know the famous Echo chamber that um leads to um a um worsening of the level of civil discourse and you know in Judaism we really have um a a very clear kind of um uh belief in Umar learning how to live in the Graze learning how to live in the fog the Torah was given in the fog it was given in the Mist um and we need to learn how to how to um to basically um um Embrace uncertainty embrace valuing the perspective of the other and yet people have um kind of lost that recently um I'm hoping that you know as we become more aware of it um you know people can start to be more respectful of of of one another but to me that's um that's at the top of my list especially with children there's been a setback in in in social skills little preschoolers um have had have had a particularly hard time but but adolescence also you know these are these are um periods of life where um the typical adolescent as an example which is one of the toughest times to live through instability um has not been able to easily do the tasks that adolesence are about which is uh to be um to achieve independence to be could you imagine a bigger um challenge back when you were a teenager then to have been locked up um with your you know with your parents I mean it's like a nightmare it could be a nightmare and it's the most understandable kind of um reality that there's been a you know tremendous increase in in that kind of uh tension so terms of social social socializing in terms of even academic progress we know the younger kids um have been set back in everything from math to reading to social skills so social skills um have been especially um I think especially uh impacted on um you know on on kids um you know especially preschoolers um you know just just wearing a mask and not being able to pick up on um pick up on subtle social cues um you know we learn how to socialize through hanging out with friends and that's all been somewhat compromised but resilience is really the norm what I've been really heartened by is how quickly as kids have gone back to more you know um preco kind of socializing they seem to be coming back pretty pretty quickly and that's in fact what we see happened um um after pre after previous pandemics is that um the trajectory to getting back to normal was faster than what people had thought it would be I think that the level of civil discourse has tremendously worsened um I I attribute it to social media but um I think that um parents um again as individuals we have an obligation to um you know to talk to our children about this you know to take a step back and sit with them and to model for them um our kids are really watching everything we do and everything we say we have to watch what we say around the dinner table we have to watch about how we um present the perspective of others and we have to present the perspective of others with respect um and um you know um you know what's alarming in some of the research is our political discussion networks have been shrinking in recent decades families spend less time together for example at um holiday meals than they used to um which is which is quite frightening uh because um they don't want to be challenged by um having to have a discussion with people who they disagree with the key is to take a step back and to um uh look at our goals what are our goals what's important to us you know what what what's what are we passionate about you know how do we want our children to um you know to to to Really um think about us and think about you know Rabbi salvic would say uh would talk about um being Guided by the faithful Encounter of um Yakov with asov so in their faithful encounter um he prepared his family and his army and told them you have to be prepared to ask answer the following three questions who are you where are you you going and what are you going to do with what you have we have to keep our eyes on those goals and our eyes on the importance of reminding um ourselves and our children this is what we care about you know this is uh this is what we stand for after um researchers found that people who were able to talk in an open way about their culture about their history about um their family's history and people who were able to really connect and have dinner together clearly had an advantage in dealing with ongoing stress the research on how do we transmit values you know is is one that what it boils down to is what do we focus on what do we spend time discussing and what do we get emotional about in a good way what do we get emotional about in terms of letting our children know this is something that we really really are passionate about um and I think when we're able to um without nagging children but in regular calm discussions to strike when the iron is cold and to calmly discuss with our kids um you know this is for example if our kids saw you know they would have had to have seen you couldn't avoid it the um you know the um smack her around the world in terms of that punch that that was thrown um and then heard the media discussions around them um that becomes a teachable moment to be able to take a step back and find a time that you're alone with your kids to be able to say hey I'm wondering what you know what you think about this um again to the extent that we're we're you know going into a holiday that is all about family togetherness and sitting around the table that's that's what we need to do we need to um we need to uh you know raise these kind of moral and ethical dilemmas that we face all the time um you know so to say hey look you know you know what do you think what do you think about um what happened um you know what happened at the Oscars or what do you think about um you know about the atrocities in Ukraine um and and to to just by asking our children and valuing what they what they say asking them what they feel how they feel about it but start by asking them let me hear what's your understanding of what happened because you may hear from them that um they they're a little confused exactly about what happened but there's no greater way of clarifying values than to be able to um ask ask your kids you know ask your kids what they think and what they feel and then weigh in in a gentle way with the values that you want to share with them right so the first thing is to be understood first understand so you sit down with your children and um ask them you know what have you seen you know what's your understanding of what happened what have you heard okay basic basic question um what do you think about the um you know behavior of um you know the various tragedies that have been going on how does it make you feel um and um you you then um have a calm non non-judgmental discussion bouncing off of what they say can't be a lecture it has to be you know there's the Hebrew expression of Kam our hearts bounce off each other okay as we look at each other and we really spend time focusing on what each of us has to say that's where the um that's where values are formed and where we can move them to um you know first of all to be able to hear where they're at and what their concerns are and then to share our values on these things yeah I'll just share with you um I'll share with you uh a you know one or two t thoughts on this so one is um my main area um of um research um you know over the years has been in post-traumatic stress Sy disorder and Trauma and I worked very closely with a well-known expert Dr Bessel of anderol who wrote one of the bestselling books of this past year um called the body keeps the score and we were um um he he was staying in my house um when we were working on on some papers together and he comes running into my office all excited because he shows me the picture of one of his patient brains you know as he did an fmri as he took a picture of the brain at the moment that he was stuck in the stairwell of um the World Trade Center in 911 and thought he was about to die and um when he showed it to me um it was an amazing thing to see because the words that ran through my head was vom Aaron vom Aaron is the words for the reaction that Aon had when he heard about the sudden death of his children that literally broke o area was shut down when faced with that unspeakable sudden tragedy and he showed me that as you're reliving the worst moment of your life the language centers are shut down but then what he showed showed me was that as he did therapy with this man who happened to have been a psychiatrist and gave him words for his pain and helped him integrate and understand the meaning of the trauma that's when healing came so you literally saw that as Broca's area L lit up that's where the healing came now let me tie this to the Seder um there was um a a uh um famous haod written by Rabbi harop who's um a well-known Rabbi in h Jerusalem going back to the um early 1900s and here's what he said he says slavery takes away our kak hador it takes away our power of speech slavery takes away our power of speech and what's our answer to that as we gather around the table on PES night it's called maged we share the story of our answer to slavery you know and it's a story of resilience and a story of lighting up the language centers of the brain so as we all gather together as a family on the night of the Sedar that's where we're at the heart of our answer to trauma our answer to suffering um and our answer to some of the more difficult times um that our society and and and our people have dealt with um in in recent um in recent months and one last thought I heard this um from um um Robie Rafi Butler my brother-in-law when you think about it it's just such a powerful statement he says what happens if you look at the collective memory of people sitting around the Seder table so I'll share with you my seder table um for many many years okay now I'm getting older so I'm in a different place but so my father who who was um a rabbi who uh died after a long Wonderful Life at age 96 he was at one end of the table and he would talk about um he would talk about his memories of what he learned from his father who grew up in the home of the that great Torah Sage his memories of um what he learned about um the kevone massacres going back where um he was um you know with his um family and barely escaped the massacre and in fact um would share these old memories of both anti-Semitism and suffering and of resilience um now if you look at the collective memory memory around the Seder table you have um one end of the table would be my father who would talk about memories that went back about 150 years and then at the other end of the table would be my little um my young um grandchildren ones who were three four years old who were kind of listening to some of these stories okay now if you look at the collective memory of such a table it comes to about 300 years 300 years going back to what we would hear from my father and what my youngest grandchild who you know will still remember what happened heard and one day they're going to be at the head of that table and the amazing thing is that 30 00 years just 10 such tables okay lined up goes back to the story of our Liberation from Egypt okay only 10 such tables we're pretty close to it so that's the beauty of lighting up the language centers of the brain the beauty of togetherness the beauty of connection and um you know I uh thank you for allowing me to talk about some of this stuff