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Dr. Pelcovitz on Mental Health Awarness Month
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Clinical Psychologist Dr. David Pelcovitz discusses the value of Mental Health Awareness Month.
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I feel that even though um a uh one shot
hidden run um is never going to I think
really move the needle and anything but
that's that's the beauty of this is that
the time span is spread out and it's a
much broader kind of uh kind of effort
to to uh make people more aware you know
the eye see is only what the Mind
knows and um one of the things that I I
I see in various
communities who really invest in mental
health awareness that it really opens up
people's uh eyes and hearts to the
realities of uh first of all of of just
being able to identify ify um you know
this is depression this is anxiety these
are the issues that we're struggling
with once we're able to talk about them
and name the monster that's the
beginning of being able to conquer and
and and improve our um our um state of
mental
health I think there's definitely been
um some very striking kinds of
improvement we have a long way to go but
uh there was a survey done um headed up
by uh some of my colleagues Dr do Dr
sweinberg um over at nephesh an
organization for um um mental health
professionals in the Orthodox community
and Dr elzar schn that actually compared
over a 25 years year period how have
attitudes changed towards mental health
and they clearly saw their focus was on
rinic leaders and how often they refer
and how they how stigmatized they think
um mental health issues they were able
to identify you know in a very clear
kind of way some very significant kind
of improvement we still have a long way
to go people are I I I think I see even
in in Thea community even in the more um
right-wing communities there's been
significant Improvement but in the
modern Orthodox Community it's become
almost like a casual casual isn't a good
word but a level of comfort with uh with
uh going to a therapist when my children
were younger um and now in the case of
my grandchildren uh just recently one of
my grandson said hey um oh you know I um
my friend told me that he uh that he was
uh in your home office today you know to
talk and then and then they talk about
it openly and there's something so
refreshing about it you know there was a
time when I started in this field over
40 years ago there was um so much uh
emphasis on my having to make
appointments when people wouldn't bump
into somebody they knew and really a lot
of Shame connected to it I just don't
see that any anymore in nearly the same
way that may be anecdotal but again the
survey uh by um by the fineberg and by
schnall I think clearly shows some very
significant Improvement but we clearly
have a long way to
go the first thing is to
identify you know what are the areas
that we really are struggling with um to
me the main area that's been a a
challenge is not just Co and the Way co
has um you know led to a rise in anxiety
and a rise in depression and in um
struggles academically and in Social
areas and in spiritual connection as
well so that's something that is clearly
been been a challenge lately um but um I
feel that there's a um a need to um
identify for for
example to me the most um common
question I'm asked about uh when I go
and lecture in different places or I go
to different communities and different
parts of different parts of the world it
doesn't matter if it's the Southern
Hemisphere or if it's um you know the
New York uh New Jersey area but in in
General East Coast West Coast um the
real uh challenge seems to be um um
anxiety tremendous rise in anxiety um in
ways that we didn't quite um have that
as as strongly as we used to um just
before covid um I gave a talk with some
colleagues to the uh General community
in the five towns about um you know
helping your children cope with
anxiety and it was a very rainy night I
was I was expecting there to be just a
handful of people there if anybody I
thought I'd have a you know a nice
intimate talk with uh with the people
who uh own the house that this uh this
program took place in and literally the
traffic jam of people waiting to hear
about this topic and believe it wasn't
me it was the the focus was um people
are anxious about how do we deal with
the fact that our children seem to be so
much more um anxious and depressed than
they ever have been and that was before
Co now it's somewhat going on
steroids there are challenges in certain
areas that are very real you know many
tied to covid many TI tied to the way
the re-entry from covid has been
Complicated by more and more um
challenges uh in terms of uh you know
it's like we're all in an emotional
yo-yo in terms of what's going on but um
with that being said we're doing
something about it there's a real
feeling I get that people people are
open you know you would think that
people might have been embarrassed just
to talk about that that program and many
similar programs to that more recently
so you think people would be embarrassed
to come and certainly be embarrassed to
be seen on
videos that's just not the case anymore
and that's that's a real change in terms
of the state of mental health but um if
you ask about the specific areas where
there are challenges there are areas um
social media has been a massive game
Cher in terms of perspective taking in
terms of the world becoming more mean
and more vicious in some ways um and um
in a way that um I think uh parents um
and Community leaders and Rabbi
leadership need to really name this
monster know how to deal with it and uh
and directly address the need for
civility in discourse the need for
perspective taking the need to talk to
our children about things that they may
be very nervous about there's been a
tremendous rise in
anti-Semitism there's been a tremendous
rise in terms of uh now the war the war
in in Ukraine so um the the there's a um
refreshing their kind of openness to
having these kind of programs and have
really nice um participation in in in
these uh
programs to me an overarching challenge
is um the impact of social media in a
way that's really changed what we're
exposed to as adults and what children
are exposed to um there's a change in
Civ civility you know there's a c
certain lack of Civility um that that I
often see you know there's um there's be
because of social media there's a um it
it it tends
to um
Empower those who are status seeking
extremists I don't know that it's a
community that's really the way we feel
but um
there's um just as an example just to
throw out a statistic those who
deactivate their Facebook accounts
report feeling
happier um but um it's very hard to keep
that deactivation
going um it's woven into the fabric of
our identity and is often our main news
source and this is very much part of our
community's
DNA um there's that's one one challenge
that I I feel is uh really very much uh
very much there there's um the rise in
anxiety that was addressed a little bit
earlier um and um that has um seems to
have um going along with um the stress
of uh people continuing to have to work
from home uh where you have parents who
are um are responsible for supervising
their children and then they go on
lockdown and coming back and forth like
yo-yo and that's been something that's
been very stressful for people um
there's um also uh the issue of um uh um
uh marriage um uh the challenge with
marital um marital kinds of challenges
is that people don't necessar
necessarily have realistic
expectations uh there's been a uh
problem um in general in society where
parents have been um very hesitant about
saying no to their children and putting
limits on their children and that's a
pretty massive shift in society not just
in our community but in general but in
our community we do
tend to have a tendency towards um you
know what some refer to as snowplow
parenting you know where we just sort of
push away all obstacles from our
children and um it's something that is
uh very very uh difficult kind of uh
challenge because it's led to um kids
not growing in ways that they would
otherwise I'm hoping that as the
pandemic uh gives way to The New Normal
that we'll be able to get past that but
um but but it's
marriage parenting um sex abuse which is
an area that I you know speak about a
lot um so I feel like sometimes I feel
like I have an overly
um uh um kind of negative negative of
you I see it I see it all over the place
so I'm the last person Trust on this
topic in the sense that um you know I
get so many calls about it all the time
but um there's been some real
improvements in terms of um our
community's ability to deal with sex
abuse we have a long way to go but um
there's a uh very clear kind of um um
continuation of um of of abuse there are
organizations that are out there now um
many organizations that have changed our
perception of um how we can't sweep it
under the carpet uh there have been some
amazing videos and um uh materials
available out there and um you know from
what I've been seeing is um and it's
it's echoed in National Data in the
general Community uh there seems to be
greater awareness of abuse and greater
willingness to talk about about it and
not be hampered by people blaming
themselves but we have a really long way
to go on
that to talk about abuse as an example
there um parents um using some of the um
wonderful materials that are out there
in the community your educational
materials there are books where you
could sit down with your child and talk
to them about Abuse Prevention there are
programs out there that never existed
before used to be swept under the carpet
and now as an individual you could
really make a difference I I I could
tell you um countless situations where
parents have spoken to their children
about uh child safety about Abuse
Prevention and the child um then comes
to them saying hey you know something I
um uh somebody touched me
inappropriately and led to first of all
to um sometimes the arrest of a
perpetrator or certainly to being able
to put in um all kinds of uh protective
devices and um even if it doesn't
guarantee that there will never be an
appropriate touching of a child the
research shows that just the child
knowing that you're helping them uh um
uh feel believed and knowing that they
could do something about it makes all
the
difference there are always setbacks
there's been you know
scandals with failed rinic leadership
scandals with failed um failed
leadership in general there's been um
some very real um sources of of true
anxiety there's uh not just Ukraine
there's also um a tremendous increase in
anti-Semitism and if um as an individual
you have a child who might be um uh
wired in a way that you're
anxious and nervous and sort of uh have
a hard time with instability
um then we we you know parents um and
leaders need to know how to talk to our
kids about this we need to know how to
you know surround them with the
protective shield and to the extent that
we could do that um a setback could be
changed to um a source of growth um you
know part of life is uh there's the
Hebrew statement that we live on a
narrow bridge we all live on a garar
mode and there's nothing like some of
the recent kinds of um tragedies and
instability to make clear to us how uh
you know we we live we live with we live
with um UNC uncertainty and fear but
ultimately that could become a source of
growth the Hebrew word for nission or a
a um
a trial and tribulation a challenge is
also atomically tied to the word for
something that is
transcendent or a song or a source of
growth so you know there's this
double-edged part to this but um my find
that this has become an incredible
opportunity for people to take a step
back ask themselves some basic
existential questions that need to be
asked you know why am I here um you know
what are my goals um how do I want to
spend my time many parents I find as a
result of everything that's been
happening have been focusing more on
spending time with their
children um which I find to be you know
very very
inspiring some of the silver linings are
exactly um exactly you know not not not
so obvious but as we've been um forced
to stay home on lockdown depending on
where we live and on on the neighborhood
um you know people have come to
appreciate the beauty of
um time alone with our children the
beauty of being able to have dinner
together in ways that uh weren't so
wasn't so common in the past a
reassessment of what matters and what
doesn't we know that many people have um
reconsidered their career goals and um
many children have come to feel closer
to their parents because there's time to
really talk about real issues I'm not
saying it's all you know easy and
there's been some tremendous
tension um you know every mental health
person I know their phone has been
ringing off the hook um and uh but with
that there's also um people when they
calm down they're able to see um a lot
of a lot of the Silver Linings and there
really are silver linings you know many
people I find um have um upu their game
in terms of spiritual
Connection in terms of um connection to
families some people have been brought
down by it there's been a tremendous
increase sometimes in marital conflict
tremendous increase in all kinds of um
in all kinds of family challenges but I
find that um people have been kind of
forced to work on things hopefully and
that's that's made a real
difference
my impression is that it's that it's
that it's worsened that um it's my
single biggest
concern it's um it's worsen in terms of
um people getting locked into um a place
where they have a hard time with
perspective taking um our political
discussion networks have been shrinking
in recent
decades um people have surrounded
themselves with you know the famous Echo
chamber that um leads to um a um
worsening of the level of civil
discourse and you know in Judaism we
really
have um a a very clear kind of um uh
belief in
Umar learning how to live in the Graze
learning how to live in the fog the
Torah
was given in the fog it was given in the
Mist um and we need to learn how to how
to
um to basically um um Embrace
uncertainty embrace valuing the
perspective of the other and yet people
have um kind of lost that
recently um I'm hoping that you know as
we become more aware of it um you know
people can start to be more respectful
of of of one another but to me that's um
that's at the top of my
list especially with children there's
been a setback in in in social skills
little preschoolers um have had have had
a particularly hard time but but
adolescence also you know these are
these are um periods of life where um
the typical adolescent as an example
which is one of the toughest times to
live through
instability um has not been able to
easily do the tasks that adolesence are
about which is uh to be um to achieve
independence to be could you imagine a
bigger um challenge back when you were a
teenager then to have been locked up um
with your you know with your parents I
mean it's like a nightmare it could be a
nightmare and it's the most
understandable kind of um reality that
there's been a you know tremendous
increase in in that kind of uh tension
so terms of social social socializing in
terms of even academic progress we know
the younger kids um have been set back
in everything from math to reading to
social skills so social skills um have
been especially um I think especially uh
impacted on um you know on on kids um
you know especially
preschoolers um you know just just
wearing a mask and not being able to
pick up on um pick up on subtle social
cues um you know we learn how to
socialize through hanging out with
friends and that's all been somewhat
compromised but resilience is really the
norm what I've been really heartened by
is how quickly as kids have gone back to
more you know um preco kind of
socializing they seem to be coming back
pretty pretty quickly and that's in fact
what we see happened um um after pre
after previous pandemics is that um the
trajectory to getting back to normal was
faster than what people had thought it
would
be I think that the level of civil
discourse has tremendously worsened um I
I attribute it to social media but um I
think that um parents um again as
individuals we have an
obligation to um you know to talk to our
children about this you know to take a
step back and sit with them and to model
for them um our kids are really watching
everything we do and everything we say
we have to watch what we say around the
dinner table we have to watch about how
we um present the perspective of others
and we have to present the perspective
of others with
respect um and um you know um you know
what's alarming in some of the research
is our political discussion networks
have been shrinking in recent
decades families spend less time
together for example at um holiday meals
than they used
to um which is which is quite
frightening uh because um they don't
want to be challenged by um having to
have a discussion with people who they
disagree with
the key is to take a step back and to um
uh look at our goals what are our goals
what's important to us you know what
what what's what are we passionate about
you know how do we want our
children to um you know to to to Really
um think about us and think about you
know Rabbi salvic would say uh would
talk about um being Guided by the
faithful
Encounter of um Yakov with
asov so in their faithful
encounter um he prepared his family and
his army and told them you have to be
prepared to ask answer the following
three questions who are you where are
you you going and what are you going to
do with what you have we have to keep
our eyes on those goals and our eyes on
the importance of reminding um ourselves
and our children this is what we care
about you know this is uh this is what
we stand for after
um researchers found that people who
were able to talk in an open way about
their culture about their history about
um their family's history and people who
were able to really connect and have
dinner together clearly had an advantage
in dealing with ongoing
stress the research on how do we
transmit
values you know is is one that what it
boils down to is what do we focus on
what do we spend time
discussing and what do we get emotional
about in a good way what do we get
emotional about in terms of letting our
children know this is something that we
really really are passionate
about um and I think when we're able to
um without nagging children but in
regular calm discussions to strike when
the iron is cold and to calmly discuss
with our kids um you know this
is for example if our kids saw you know
they would have had to have seen you
couldn't avoid it the um you know the um
smack her around the world in terms of
that punch that that was thrown um and
then heard the media discussions around
them um that becomes a teachable moment
to be able to take a step back and find
a time that you're alone with your kids
to be able to say hey I'm wondering what
you know what you think about this um
again to the extent that we're we're you
know going into a holiday that is all
about family togetherness and sitting
around the
table that's that's what we need to do
we need to um we need to uh you know
raise these kind of moral and ethical
dilemmas that we face all the time um
you know so to say hey look you know you
know what do you think what do you think
about um what happened um you know what
happened at the Oscars or what do you
think about um you know about the
atrocities in
Ukraine um and and to to just by asking
our children
and valuing what they what they say
asking them what they feel how they feel
about it but start by asking them let me
hear what's your understanding of what
happened because you may hear from them
that um they they're a little confused
exactly about what happened but there's
no greater way of clarifying values than
to be able to um ask ask your kids you
know ask your kids what they think and
what they feel and then weigh in in a
gentle way with the values that you want
to share with
them right so the first thing is to be
understood first understand so you sit
down with your children and um ask them
you know what have you seen you know
what's your understanding of what
happened what have you
heard okay basic basic question um what
do you think about the um you know
behavior of um you know the various
tragedies that have been going on how
does it make you
feel um and um you you then um have a
calm non non-judgmental discussion
bouncing off of what they say can't be a
lecture it has to be you know there's
the Hebrew expression of
Kam our hearts bounce off each other
okay as we look at each other and we
really spend time focusing on what each
of us has to say that's where the um
that's where values are formed and where
we can move them to um you know first of
all to be able to hear where they're at
and what their concerns are and then to
share our values on these
things yeah I'll just share with you um
I'll share with you uh a you know one or
two t thoughts on this so one is um my
main area um of um research um you know
over the years has been in
post-traumatic stress Sy disorder and
Trauma and I worked very closely with a
well-known expert Dr Bessel of anderol
who wrote one of the bestselling books
of this past year um called the body
keeps the
score and we were
um um he he was staying in my house um
when we were working on on some papers
together and he comes running into my
office all excited because he shows me
the
picture of one of his patient
brains you know as he did an fmri as he
took a picture of the brain at the
moment that he was stuck in the
stairwell of um the World Trade Center
in 911 and thought he was about to
die and um when he showed it to me um it
was an amazing thing to see because the
words that ran through my head
was vom
Aaron vom Aaron is the words for the
reaction that Aon had when he heard
about the sudden death of his children
that literally broke o area was shut
down when faced with that unspeakable
sudden tragedy and he showed me that as
you're reliving the worst moment of your
life the language centers are shut down
but then what he showed showed me was
that as he did therapy with this man who
happened to have been a
psychiatrist and gave him words for his
pain and helped him integrate and
understand the meaning of the trauma
that's when healing came so you
literally saw that as Broca's area L lit
up that's where the healing came now let
me tie this to the
Seder um there was um a a uh
um famous
haod written by Rabbi
harop who's um a well-known Rabbi in h
Jerusalem going back to the um early
1900s and here's what he said he says
slavery takes away our kak hador it
takes away our power of speech slavery
takes away our power of speech and
what's our answer to that as we gather
around the table on PES night it's
called
maged we share the story of our answer
to slavery you know and it's a story of
resilience and a story of lighting up
the language centers of the brain so as
we all gather together as a family on
the night of the Sedar
that's where we're at the heart of our
answer to trauma our answer to suffering
um and our answer to some of the more
difficult times um that our society and
and and our people have dealt with um in
in recent um in recent months and one
last
thought I heard this um from um um Robie
Rafi Butler my brother-in-law when you
think about it it's just such a powerful
statement he says what
happens if you look at the collective
memory of people sitting
around the Seder table so I'll share
with you my seder table um for many many
years okay now I'm getting older so I'm
in a different place but so my father
who who was um a rabbi who uh died after
a long Wonderful Life at age 96 he was
at one end of the table and he would
talk
about um he would talk about his
memories of what he learned from his
father who grew up in the home of the
that great Torah
Sage his memories of um what he learned
about um the kevone massacres going back
where um he was um you know with his um
family and barely escaped the massacre
and in fact um would share these old
memories of both anti-Semitism and
suffering and of
resilience um now if you look at the
collective memory memory around the
Seder table you have um one end of the
table would be my father who would talk
about memories that went back about 150
years and then at the other end of the
table would be my little um my young um
grandchildren ones who were three four
years old who were kind of listening to
some of these
stories okay now
if you look at the collective memory of
such a table it comes to about 300 years
300 years going back to what we would
hear from my
father and what
my youngest grandchild who you know will
still remember what happened heard and
one day they're going to be at the head
of that
table and the amazing thing is that 30
00 years just 10 such
tables okay lined up goes back to the
story of our Liberation from Egypt okay
only 10 such tables we're pretty close
to it so that's the beauty of lighting
up the language centers of the brain the
beauty of togetherness the beauty of
connection and um you know I uh thank
you for allowing me to talk about some
of this
stuff