Dr. Jack Cohen - Strategies for the Success of Parenting & Shalom Bayit

[Music] okay we started a nice theme recently in talking about you know Havana and Shalom bias I'm gonna develop the material even further so first of all I want to give a tremendous huzzah koba rule to the Kazakh organization we're here talking about Shalom by I don't know of any organization that's doing more work to pull children out of public school and we turn them back to their roots of their faith to collie straw that Kazakh is doing so we we have to give them our most financial support that we can and help them in every way possible by coming to these lectures by listening to the material again I spoke about this last week in Britain Queens I'll tell everyone it's a good idea to review this material go over it again after I speak about it tonight so that you can refresh this is important material I mean most of my days is taking up the serving console in Turin in the capacity of a shell and buyers coach and a dating coach so I see a lot of items that you'll hear tonight and whatever you can use to help raise your children to become the best role models in Chloe's role please by all means you know enjoy the material and I always thought that the lectures but saying anyone out there in the world who needs me and would like my help either in dating should okay more any errors if in her bottom she could reach out to me on whatsapp or on regular phone call or text 305 two oh six one nine one six again three oh five two oh six one nine one six I've divided to take your calls or send me a whatsapp you need to speak to me or if you'd like to reach me an email it's dr. Jack Cohen 18 a gmail comm dr j ack co hen1 eight at gmail.com okay let's get started i'd like to first thought my presentation today by sharing a very incredible moving story with you i'm n writes that he was in a rehabilitation center in israel after having had surgery you know how they goes they send you to rehab today often times if the person is older a geriatric patient that end up in a nursing home or a skilled facility and they do this worldwide so this man is in a rehab center in Israel actually new line he happens to be one of the few guys there that's religious and when they see that he has a keeper there other people who are there the other patients start taunting him yo you're one of those the fanatics the guys who are parasites in Israeli society that's what you all about you guys says no what do you mean he goes you know what happens a car goes through their area and they throw stones and Chavez is that right to throw stones on Chavez that's how you people behave you call yourself religious and he says you know I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to tell them they were logging grenades at me left and right most of them outnumbered me because I was the only religious guy there what should I do I didn't know what to do and there was one fellow who was watching this and in say a word an older fellow and he looks at the crowd he goes fanaticism you want to talk about fanaticism can I share a story with you listen to his story this is the beginning before World War two because I was raised in Romania which was an area which is a lot acidic sex like summer comes from Romania etc and in my town there was a fellow by the name of Shalom grown Shalom braun sold sifri qodesh Judaica and silver and Cypriot aura and he was a man was principled when it came to mitzvahs well now the war's the winds of war were traveling through Europe Nazi Germany was now aggregating and getting ready to destroy the continent and low-balled what happens the Germans when they came to that town in Romania decided to set up shop right next to shawm Braun's house so they knew trouble was coming and he said you know we got to get out we got to get out so he says to himself what about the defenders of my children America out of the question there's no you Shiva's over there there's no time over there Israel look what's happening with the alignment the nazgûl our movement in the air many people having their pay is cut off everything my my children are staying right here so his wife was with him all the way they had great shaman bias but his brothers Schmoll kept working on him because you know in Stan we're gonna be wiped out the Nazis are right next to you you got to do something you have ten children they're all gonna die you got to do something he was you know I have to tell you what I did I just booked passage on a boat that's going to Israel it was called Palestine at the time join me and he worked on him and he worked them but he wouldn't budge no my children have to have a fantastic Jewish education that means I have to be with them no matter what schools wife was pregnant and she said I can't go you go with David our son this is Shawn's brother and his sister-in-law so she more was able to buy a ticket for his son and he convinced one brother that was not married Noah to also join him on the ball and it worked on Shalom and he worked on finally they got and to give in and he they bought two tickets for his first two children who were twins Eliyahu and Hyatt zero fun the Shabbos before they supposed to leave there were major explosions as the German army roared through town because the voter confusion took place everyone's insurers chakras Shaheed was taking place at the alleyway all the Sun didn't know what to do because they had pair of brand new shoes that his mother bought him so that he should be able to arrive in Israel at least with a good pair of shoes you know a good pair of shoes and in 1940's was worth gold her victim Miller my Rebbe tells us that the poor Gentiles were those rummaging through the garbage in Eastern Europe just to be able to take from the garbage cans the researchers of Jews that had been resold 20 times that's how poor people were well yah had a new pair of shoes and it's Shabbos and bombs are going off so Leon picks his new shoes off and he hops over the streets back home and they're his father's waiting and his mother saying Baruchel did you see what she's expecting her husband is gonna be so impressed with the miracle that none of her children were killed and in the in all the bombs he goes I saw what happened listen more of her a boy said with an amazing story I saw my son carrying shoes on Shabbos he was McLouth Shabbos the deal's off he's not going to Israel no way so my son can go to Israel I've been makalah Shabbos he stays here and he said what are you talking about you're gonna die with everyone at least let two people go and you'll save the family there'll be some legacy left from the family he's absolutely not when I saw my son with house Shabbos that day deal's off well what can you do so Sean's brother walked it on the boat with his son had to leave the wife behind she was pregnant she said the husband at least you go you saved the family I can't make it because I'm bragging and they took the unmarried brother also Noah listen to what happens the ship sails from Romania the ship was a terrible ship into in terrible shape 700 Jews on this boat and guess what as they start traveling in it had a terrible engine it just basically eked out and was able to make it to the port of Istanbul and the Turks said we don't want you here we want nothing from you no one's allowed to get off the ship no matter what absolutely not and then they sent word through cable the Turkish government who wants this boat any country no one claimed any interest in this boat no country so finally the British said to the Turks send them back to the country which meant a certain death then opportunities just do what you get to have them back so they can kill them and the people on the boat were starving there was all types of plague on the boat infection people you know there's no place to put any of this it was in sanitary the refuse was collecting the garbage people were starving and it heard that they might send them back so you know what they did they went and they did more damage to the engine which was already in bad shape the Turkish government's and enough snuff in the dark of night they put a tugboat and it pulled in a tugboat and attached it to this boat and they sailed the boat out to international waters where it was no longer the responsibility of the Turkish government the very next day things get only worse February 17th 1942 right in the heart of World War two a Russian submarine spies the boat and thinks it's a German boat sends a missile wipes out the boat within minutes the boats history gone back to our story and the old man hoots telling the story everyone died again except for a person called David Stoll they are me and you want to hear about fanaticism but let's continue with fanaticism shalom braun was able to survive through miracles with his 10 children intact and he made it to israel in 1950 and the first thing he did when he got off the port of Haifa he went to visit the vision is a Rebbe he was called the Micawber rule at the dawn row barks haver his only his only concern is oh the only thing that I ever thought about was his children hidden upon him and what was Israel in 1950 was barely developed parched land everywhere just for some you shoe him in Tel Aviv in you shall iron he was ready I'm worried what's gonna be with my children where can I give them proper Jewish education in Israel 1915 this is not 2019 and they were all worried about the the the Reform Jews or the non believing Jews that were waiting at the ports just to grab these kids cut their pay this off send them off to you know key butene where they would never be seen again you just don't worry about it you go to the Kafar oughtta there's a rabbi Mendelssohn there he'll give your children a fantastic education you have my braja your great great joy and baka sham he sent his kids there and it grew up I first want to get married was his daughter high at zero who did she married none other than the son of the village business server be very strong Hagar who just passed away three years ago she became the ski on the head of the whole dynasty and all the children but Hashem lived to be well this is when you have fanaticism this is when you have mysterious nefesh Vitara this is what we need to think about when we raise our children how important that is how we have to remember these things so how do you become a great parent you become a great parent by remembering that you have to be a personal example it's so important to become a PB personal example teaching is about giving and it's important that you don't just give sermons to your children parents with good me dots we could meet those who conduct themselves respectably are the best kind of way to teach their children they think that it's a person with a university degree that's gonna teach no how often do we see people that never went to college but went to yeshiva and have impeccable quality traits and humility and the children are refined and I'll learn it what does it depend on it doesn't depend on a psychologist telling us how to raise our children it depends on us being personal examples finding our needles working on ourselves we are the best example to our children if both parents are behaving the way they should behave then everything is going to be fantastic but if they don't have proper moral standards and they don't have a spirit of giving and being patient all the efforts to raise their children will be in vain every simple upright couple they don't have to be sophisticated they don't have to be given a hard or if they show love and mutual respect to each other and are personal examples for their children in every way can succeed in raising outstanding children it says every time every day three times a day we say machine and calmly Binaca you shall teach it to your children Chantal means to repeat what's the point of this not just are we being exerted to teach Torah and mitzvot observance to our children there's a bigger message here to show the importance of mitzvahs that we accept upon ourselves when it says machine on table Binaca they should repeat it and teach it to your children we have to teach our children Lord God love Hashem serve Hashem with all your hearts don't falter pride and ego and then follow after your heart and eyes Velata - I heard about him back Iranian ham which could deceive you we see the mitzvah to teach our children is directly from the Torah and we're told three times a day were reminded of that both father and mother must speak to their children about having good quality character about how to love Hashem about being humble about kedusha especially in a land and in society an environment where it's challenged all the time parents think that because they send their children to school that's it the teachers got it all under control no absolutely not that your result absorbed the whole responsibility absolutely not you will never replace the teacher can never replace the parents he simply provides he's like a mechanic a little assistance but the most important we'll always fall on the father and the mother it's very important to understand and internalize this point no one in the world can give a child what its parents can give him no one parents cannot be replaced both the obvious messages are not so obvious because parents have to understand they are the primary educators they are the first image engraved in the mind of the child their conduct and the atmosphere that they create is the building block for the child forever so what happens children are with the appearance during the times that are most influential in their lives what are those times Shabbos Shabbat this is a very impressionable time Ianto that's when they see their parents vacations like now in the summer family trips and all these events where parents are with their children these are times of great bonding times of great personal example these are the times that are the greatest opportunities to teach good qualities they teach children to be ambitious about Torah to teach them too they have say their orderliness to teach them how to share and to be truly connected to a college bar oho so the whole subject of Education can be summarized very simply work on your action I'm on your a fear of heaven and love for other Jews as well as your needles work on your Ahura your purity that can educate a child far better than anything else and especially work on your muna and work on your simcha for a child sees that a parent is not happy he says to himself why do I need this my father was a keeper Assateague hanging out from his planes and he's depressed and he's not happy why do I have to have any part of this that's what he thinks so SIM cards very important the house must be joyful he must create a home with his joy that radiates parents must know that if they want to probably educate their children they must put everything aside and work on themselves first if you work on yourself and you're a great role model you don't have to worry about your children when a person works and refines his character he then now have positive energy and he's symmetrical he's content he passes that on to his children and he gives that positive energy to his children everything depends on parental self-improvement so if I'm working on myself I'm constantly working on my me dose that means that I can then be their best role model for my children it's a pleasure to live in a house where the parents work on themselves the home is filled with MS and positivity which is the bulk of Education bulk of Education the econ occurring of education is a positive happy home is an optimistic environment children grow up happy in such a home and never wanted out to feel they never want to run out to see what's going on in the street a pilot / parents who doesn't work on self-improvement will have a hard time educating the children the best-case scenario is such a parent hopefully will not will not cause damage my revered Arabic the Miller it tells the fantastic through our tour that I have to share the next portion is gonna be talking about gratitude I'm sorry attitude last week's fashion Clara tells us the choruses in Gangnam was we know the Gemara tells us there's a certain spot where you could put you here to the ground and you can hear coral rock saying mache Ms bateau Russell MS mache is true and his Torah is true he gives in right so you think that he learned his lesson this is mine I'm a Concha corny Alberto yet fascinating the kamar tells the story about Anka who's uncoolest the great wrinkles who was the first commentary on Hamas even greater than Rashi is up there high on the page rah she's below her ah she was great the great of great uncle's was not sure he was a Roman should I be join the Jews and not join the Jews he was thinking about becoming a righteous dare converting to Judaism and uncle's decided to bring up Korah and his seance should I join them or not join them should I become a Jew or not become a Jew car says stay away from them have nothing to do with them obvious question more of her boy so what's going on here caller said that much is true notorious true yet he tells Lincoln is don't join the Jews what is it didn't you learn your lesson Rick the middle of my Rebbe and so beautifully he couldn't tell him anything else you know why the attitudes that you have in this world is the attitudes that you have in the next world it's over if you left this world hating Torah the next world that's exactly what you'll say whatever attitudes you develop here whatever growth you develop here whatever light you bring down to the world here you take with you if you didn't get it right here you'll be then spitting out the garbage in the next world even though co-op said the title is true inertia is true but he told uncles don't join them because the attitude of hating the Jews went with him to the grave and he takes that to the next world what does that teach us ladies and gentlemen the teachers watch your attitude watch how you act watch what you believe in because that's what you take with you to the next world how we have to be very careful talking about attitudes let me share an incredible story with you listen to attitude is tonight's kind a whole talk is about chillin bison chemical bond him a young bride came crying to her ister Zalman Meltzer who is this Islam announcer none other than the father more of our own caller who started the great you Shiva BMG of Lakewood if Lakewood exists today it's because of our own cobbler a wrong call of married this man's daughter reserves armament sir was a great Sadiq living in shoreline in the early 1900's and she came complaining she says my husband doesn't want to talk to me he says thought into his wife his little Tora citizen talk to me so emotions at me ah-ah that's how he talks to me with point with fingers so he says to her no worries tell your husband to come and see me so Jung Hyung comes versus Amin must submit him to the always did all she shows up at the rabbi's house knocks on the door Robertson Hinda answers the door in the Baylor and she's can help you he says yeah the Rebbe said I should come okay the Rebbe is in his study studying so he walks in very timidly and the Rebbe is busy studying sitting at the desk courses Amla not sir he's sitting at the desk with his head over the gum are pouring till tomorrow he doesn't even look at him five minutes goes by fifteen minutes goes by half hour goes by finally the Rebbe lifts his head and he calls out to his wife Hindu Beyla come in here come in here not even giving the guy the time of day so how was your day in the veil what do you do today oh I went to them I called I want you by I bought milk I bought eggs I bought cheese and house yong-chol are a nickel house our young core our our grandson is doing well I heard he had a cold yeah but Hashem chandi tells me he's getting better is improving oh that's wonderful say this schmooze meanwhile he's like part of the wallpaper right finally she walks out and the Rebbe goes right back to learning he's like he's afraid to say a word after another 15 minutes the Rebbe looks at like the universal song get out of here go he comes home window ink has everything his wife says to him because I went to the sea versus all announcer today she goes what happened I learned two very important lessons it's not bittle Torah to speak to your wife it's very disrespectful to talk to people by motioning with fingers we have to have great attitudes morning of our boys side how important we have to be careful with that continuing on let me shift some incredible stories with you mister Abram its endured many difficulties during World War two he ended up in the mirror yeshiva in Shanghai China which is a miracle that they traveled through Europe went through the China Sea and then made it Shanghai where the mirrors Shiva that ended up some of it in Brooklyn and some of it in Israel is all because of these people that escaped and were able to get passports because of a toddy called simple Sugihara who stayed passports in Lithuania allowing the Murray Shiva to go Baba his aide Sadiq he has this place in all I'm about right it's anyway he was one of them mr. breem woods after the war he moved to New York he got married the family and all through his married life no one ever saw him say a word about dinner anything negative at all he would eat quickly whatever his wife gave him and then he would just be done said he would banish it would go a few months after his son turned 18 Yossi he was often Shiva so mr. Albert's wanted to visit his son to see how was my son doing in Shiva but several words went to visit him in the dorm so you know there was a was a yeshiva located in a city that didn't have any restaurants all his songs gonna make him dinner and he had a little stove there about what do you want for dinner he says whatever you're having so macaroni is okay you know macaroni well ya see I'd rather not eat that say yes II was in shock what do you mean my father has been eating elbow macaroni twice a week for 25 years they never said a word ten five years now you know what y'all see make me scrambled eggs I thought why don't you want to add my macaroni you know what when we in Shanghai these two have it was very humid and it would be these rains of come down and after the rain all these slugs and things you know they come out of the ground and macaroni reminds me of that so I don't want to look at it it makes me nauseous you'll see stared and his father and complete or his mother had been serving elbow macaroni twice a week for 25 years and never said a word this is what we call Moira Boyce an incredible attitude one more story Robin Cutlass son of Sheena Cutler and his wife were engaged before World War two due to the war they were separated for many years they were engaged and then they didn't see each other few years throw some in collar but never got married when the war was over she wrote him a letter My dear Hudson I'm not feeling well I'm sick and I free you from any obligation to marry me Wow huh any other woman will try to hold on to such a catch and we're talking about shooting a Cutler no I don't I'm not my health is not good its weak you're free go marry anyone you want it's a Degas listen to his response to help us understand what makes a god will be strong a god will be strong he says to her my dear caller you lost your father you lost your money you lost your health do you think for a minute you lose your husband - now I'm dedicated to you forever that's what we have to remember I want to continue hit hard on this theme of attitude by telling you a beautiful story that my mother says about a man who says that I inherited two stores right in the middle of a very central area in tel-aviv from my parents and they couldn't be better in terms of location the two stores brought in amazing rent and I used the money to allow my sons and my sons on wall to sit and learn Torah peacefully one store did amazing business the other store the guy was always complaining I don't have enough customers it's a problem roll with the rent he was always watching the guy please lower the rent and this one out for 15 years every time you have to renew the lease you would hope that the guy would just go away but he would work on him and make him feel bad and eventually capitulate him and give him another lease when he should have just let him go already one day with his old man where had the store we complained a lot had a heart attack and a desperation the Thummim wall came to work the store and the son-in-law came to work the store and suddenly something miraculous took place sales went food an owner of the building could understand what's going on he decided one day to go into the store and determine what's happening here and he saw a sight that was amazing he saw the Sun more personally greeting everybody how are you is everything okay you don't like this no problem I'll exchange it we found it he was happy he was smiling he had such a great attitude guess what happened the old man felt better went back to work the Sun went back to his job what happened to sales they plummeted again and they came back to the owner complaining I want a new lease I want lower rent and he said to me no I can't do that six months before the lease was to expire the doctors told them you can't work anymore so we came back into the picture again the son-in-law what happened to the sales skyrocketed up again triple what they used to be so the old man came to visit the owner of the store or the building and he says I don't get it I don't understand one out there no sales when my son's always there what's going on so the owner of the building asked him a question do you think it has anything to do with your attitude and the customers or how you treat the customers did you ever given any thought to that and it went right by him just flew right over him one day the owner of the building saw the Sun on one goes does ya father won't get it how he treats people how he's sour how he's down how when people ask for help in the store they just you know dismisses them and he treats them like garbage he goes I don't know if you can ever change such a person and then he writes you know what we are all sales me we are all salesmen we're selling something and the customers are our children and we are happy and we're welcoming to our children and we want to answer their questions and we want to help them they'll buy the merchandise but if I child comes up to me says AB I need help a mommy need up I don't have time now I'm checking my whatsapp I'm checking my cell phone I'll come back to me later I don't have time to you now guess what they're not buying from that person they're not buying that merchandise leave me alone you're annoying me now I'm busy I have something else to do we're all salesmen it all comes down to our attitude if we're happy if we show tremendous love what we do ambition to grow at it if we respect our children if we admire them like the mitten salesmen like the son-in-law then we're gonna have happy customers we're gonna come back again and again they don't want more but if we show them that we're sour pusses that we're depressed that we don't want to do it then leave me alone don't bother me I don't think the other things do now then correspondingly you can expect you can basically predict what the results will be so we are our own salesmen and we have to sell with a great attitude let's talk a little bit our own bias raising a happy and well-adjusted child depends on solemn bias a child must experience parents who are educated and being adel aidid refined a refined parent is one who speaks with respect honors his wife or her husband always has a good word is encouraging by the way as I read this I give myself his book I love to hear this his patience and times of pressure is giving his Mashpee I as benevolent is a good listener this is the profile of a happy husband and a happy wife children with parents who love each other and who are best friends right really my ovum as we say under the Hopa that we do great one of the greatest brokers we can give is that the husband and wife should be best friends and act like best friends right and they have love and structure between them when children see respect between husband and wife giving and love when they see their parents encouraging each other after there's been mistakes instead of snacking each other verbally they give each other encouragement they lift each other not to try to break each other but rather strengthening each other because they love each other they then will want to emulate and copy that behavior children will see parents who are happy together and living joyously according to the Torah learn to live life joyously also every parent must do everything possible to ensure solemn bias it's incumbent upon us to work on it we're boys I Moira boys that it's not autopilot if you're not working on it proactively you will not have showing bodies it starts with you working on yourself it starts with you working on your knee those children will grow up in a home that's peaceful have a healthy emotional makeup they go to school you don't get calls from the psychologists you don't get calls from the guidance counsellor that there's problems with your child because they're made up of emotional solutes they're mostly solid these children are ready to take advantage of their powers to live a life of M S & M you know they absorb the qualities of their parents that are positive they receive over warmth and love and friendship that the parents have for each other and for them children in such a home grow up with a joyful life they have a simcha so kind they're happy to live they have power to truly succeed in the world they are emboldened new you have now empowered them children grow up in a happy home are generally not subject very important to negative influences of the street there are so happy in your homes that what's going on outside does not interest them even if they do come into contact with bad kids they know the difference between what's going on in their house and outside in the street and they're not interested they're gonna come home and tell the parents what happened they'll share Appa this is what happened because they're so comfortable and secure and built solid from their environment in their home in order to understand the positive side of raising children and a foundation of solemn bias we must write about the negative side what happens to children and kids who grow up in a home that does not have sullenbode Hospital on God's a did the damage is great to such children who are raised in an environment that doesn't have solemn bias there are sensitive kids especially the sensitiveness Shamas that are damaged by tension in the home they damaged by the fights between the husband and the wife often parents and grandparents who confide in rabbis tell us that children will grow up in such a home have hatred for their father hatred for their mother because of the fight that took place and they can't come to grips with it and they cannot come to peace with it even when they're mature adults children are so vulnerable in the face of this function from what the parents do when they fight that it finds them to death they see terrifying sights men and women that are red and boiling from anger and their children in five six and seven how do they process this they can't they don't know how the parents think all you know I'm just venting low goal boil over and what they will remember they remember plenty it imprints a impression on their souls forever maybe they expect that they'll just stop the fights but to the child it sounds true and whatever they saying frightens them terribly books have been written on the incredible amounts of damage that people suffer in the scars that they're left with because of the lack of show and bias they experienced when they were children parents must remember that their marital relationship has tremendous implications on the success of their children as they mature and they grow up now let's remind ourselves and let's review an important concept why are we here in this world why did God make us what's the purpose of being here it is not so that we should serve Hashem be Ndamukong it is not for the purpose of doing midst was to give Hashem Nahas he can keep us in Xiamen when we could do that that's not the reason why he brings us down here the reason why he brings us down is to test us in our interactions with other human beings and what's the most challenging interaction you'll ever have with your spouse that's the greatest tension that's the greatest challenge you pass that you have passed it all in Hashem choice the main test of relationships been Adamic available is between husband and wife and one of the bitter results of having fights and lack of shown bias is that the children don't like their home don't want to be home they look for other things to do in other places to be at the child can easily be moored by what he sees and hears in the street because he's not happy he doesn't want to go back to that house my home is supposed to be a palace in his mind but it's the farthest thing from it because it's not the fortress that it was intended to be when a child is happy at home his parents don't have to warn him to stay away from negative children negative influences he knows already it's an automatic it'll be easy for them to stay away but if they don't have sullen bias those boys and girls will be easy prey for every negative influence that's going on in the street sometimes parents that have money rich parents often think that by giving their child gains gadgets iPods iPhones etc that they're just being good to them and helping their children far from it if a child lacks the main components which is attention which is Shalem bias which is Ahava love come he moved warmth and understanding and a listening parenting ear no toy can replace that and will ever do anything it might be just short-term stuff and after a while that child would only get worse it's not a substitute for the real job of which I'll just describe to you and sometimes we put money in their pockets to shoo them away go buy something leave me alone I'm busy that's also counterproductive children should work for whatever they have they shouldn't be giving something for free because when a child gets something for nothing he develops a sense of Maggie ollie it's coming to me I'm entitled to that and now he learns he doesn't have to work for something say that trial how will he be successful later on as a husband or as a business man whose atomic Hawk home popular education begins when parents who live and demonstrate divided qualities of responsibility teachers you chair your children to be responsible by demonstrating responsibility by acting it out by being good givers love and patience gratitude picasa tolls and some car violence and being a good role model for children and grown proper parenting a couple ones came to a rabbi asking for advice how can we raised great children the rabbi told them one answer you want great children if you do it a shambles in car which means in English to serve God with joy taking it back they set to the robber what do you mean rabbi what does that have to do with raising children raising God serving Hashem with simcha what does that mean what's the connection grab I answered if you serve Hashem without joy he's speaking to the father and a mother and you don't serve Hashem with joy maybe you'll remain religious maybe not but I can guarantee you if you don't serve Hashem with simcha your children for sure won't be religious it's fact you may be yes maybe no your children the next generation if you serve in Hashem without some you tell you now guaranteed those children won't have anything to do with he disguised because a necessary component and child-raising is being missing car parents must strive to instill in the child the feeling of happiness and gratitude for everything that they have in their life for their lungs for their kidneys for their car for their vacation for their homes for their parents their grandparents for their school for their shoes for their socks for their clothing no one can expect to be happy without investing effort in serving a Shem because joy is not obtained automatically in order to be able to get simcha you have to work on simcha the Torah tells us as we know it's coming up Machinima's of Mommy Team B simcha when I've the month of off comes in with lessons in car machine across our da might be missing car but when our dog comes in we increase in a car what does that tell us what does that teach us that means we control the volume button of simcha it's not something that can be dramatically come on if I want joy I can create joy if I want a lesson joy I less enjoyed the show horn or tells me salt it says in our I reduce it it says an Aadhaar I increase it that means I'm in control that means if I want to work on myself I can control my joy and it's a very important point what trial grows up with said and depressed parents he brings Judaism a new disguise as a source of his parents suffering because he sees religious parents that are walking around with their faces longer than Ghulam and they are happy he sees that Judaism doesn't bring any fulfillment to them after all his parents are religious so why they so miserable and depressed and he comes to associate the pleasure with Judaism this is why we have people don't want to be religious it's so hard shul is so heavy I don't want to go to pray well the father wants to run out of shul because he wants to know what stock went up and if the Enki's are the next one why should the child want any part of it because the father doesn't pray with simcha he doesn't do meats what would seem high doesn't he's not so happy that Shabbos is here the child has come now the father runs out after sure I saw a bizarre thing last week something I really really upset me someone came to shul matzah Shabbos a firm guy right there happened to pray robbing Tom which was 9:30 but Shabbos was over three stars nine ten and as we came out of school he's on his phone I know they didn't leave his fallen soul I said what's going on here he goes oh I said I'm a book on government call the Schlick Hall I am the job as I came to that Marv that's an example you can't wait for shoppers to be over what kind of sudden you're gonna raise so that the first thing you can do is pop that cell phone open after Shabbos what did you miss Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump who cares what's relevant is this what this is a message that you Sean Shem when the parents strive to be happy which is happy and excited to do mitzvoth with happiness praying with happiness putting on tefillin with happiness giving to the car with happiness celebrating Shabbos with happiness the kids pick up on this complaining parents won't be able to convince their child that their way of life is the right way the child will never accept their claims because you know you do one thing and you say something else you can't do that with children they're smart they figure it out they figure it out a child may be small but he understands she understands and senses that their parents of life is not a happy life and if that's the way you you walk around I don't want any part of your Judaism and worse worse even the reality is a religious person who obviously looks religious because I have a keeper on and Shaco and and they're wearing always skirts and they walk around responding and complaining are violating a big thing called Hillel a sham because they represent Hashem and since you represent a sham you're supposed to act as if you enjoy serving God but if you act otherwise that's the greatest desecration of God's name nothing more simpler than that [Music] an important principle in child education is to focus on the good rather than struggle with the bed it's easy to point that on the report card the 75 that he got and that's the way you always first go to see when you look at the report card no look at the 85 or the 90 first point out the good don't look at your job as being just I have to weed out the negative search for the positives and affirm the positive in the child a farmer can't grow beautiful fruits and vegetables if he focuses on just fighting the weeds you can't raise successful children by constantly focusing on and attacking their unfavorable qualities we should not be fighting the child's negative qualities instead focus on their favorable qualities focus on the good avi you gave stuck oh I'm so proud of you avi you took grandma to the doctor that's such a you're such a tonic Aviva I'm so happy that you helped mommy today I'm preparing Shabbos Judy thank you so much for making that cake for yontiff a child was accustomed to receiving positive feedback will grow up with self confidence and this is a critical thing so many children lack self-confidence and the healthy self-image because he was given a lot of positivity and he was given a lot of compliments so don't be cheap on the compliments that child will learn more good habits and positive how positive she fought aspirations since the good parent a parent sees in him is the foundation for future character building the backbone of educating a child is Emunah teach them that there's a gem that runs the world and everything that happens is for the best that should be the backbone of their education that whatever happens Hashem made it happen teach our children that whatever happens it is a shaman made it happen gratitude now what adjusted well-educated child knows how to appreciate what they have and they say thank you it's the primary objective of child education the most important thing you can teach your children is to save those two magic words thank you and please that's one of the greatest guarantees of having great children please and thank you for everything that they receive from socks the toys and parents should set the tone by always saying thank you to others including saying think it's awesome for all the good that they got so their children can copy this carnot behavior while spoiled children have an inflated sense of entitlement because they've been given so much children that come from good homes recognize all the brothers of our life and are always grateful and they're verbally acknowledging that children come from good homes take em as well as hashem sweep him which are our parents teachers relatives and friends teach them to dolphin teacher our children Hashem help me succeed on my testing chemistry today Hashem makes sure that I win the race today or the basketball game teach them to connect to God at a young age to learn how to speak - them and create a dialogue with him to have a conversation with him in simple English or Yiddish or Persian or whatever it may be get them to talk to him next example singing at the Shabbos table shabbat festive meal times are a great opportunity to focus on the good teaching our children - sings the mirros which are the Shabbos songs of praise but doing so we teach them that our table is like a mini miss baya an altar in the time of the base of it - and it's not just the fast-food diner to come here and go Jackie which you want and go and leave the table Ramirez is an acknowledgement to God that what I have is a gift from a Shem and the children need to understand that teach them to say their breakfast very important every parent must realize the responsibility of educating a child and that must become first priority in our life before personally advancing ourselves in our in our work before career success before Torah study my parents must not must now allow themselves to be sucked into the rat race I got to make more money and get make more money and who gets compromised the children and their education and also a message they must maintain a healthy line of communication with their children and also understand their feelings and their ups and their downs be there for them understand what makes that child tick the more apparent devotes warmth attention and quality time to his children the easier the messages will be accepted by the child a child who enjoys playing and spending time of the parents will accept the parents teachings if you want to know if you've been successful in life you know what the yardstick is to determine if you've been successful how did your children come out not if you have ten buildings in your real estate portfolio and not if you have all these stocks and bonds that you bought and how many surgeries you performed then how many law cases you want you will be judged how much of a success you were in life by how well your children came out that's it if you have great children you're looked upon as having been a star and if you have poor children I don't want to go there children are our best investment what we put in we get back every bit of time effort and forethought that goes into their education generates incredible dividends people complain that they have no time but the truth is they find time for what they truly want they find time to do their games and their vacations but people can't find time for their children because they don't hold their children as a high priority if a parent has the will to find the time no matter how much demands on his time and how busy is they'll make the time and it's always Shabbat and weekends the way a child begins his day is tremendously important a parent's waking up the child with a loving smile my dear son my dear daughter it's time to get up go to school instead of shaking them out of bed say you lazy good-for-nothing and screaming at them what a terrible way to start the day when the morning starts off well so does the rest of the day go well if the morning is chaotic and Rushville or if the child that has to leave school on his own and you won't be able to fulfill this potential don't put your own priorities over your children the unfortunate reality of today's society is that many parents are happy to just dismiss their responsibilities as parents parenting does not succeed when competing with other things in life like career and hobbies vacations and games and going out it's important that we strongly recommend turning off cellphones at mealtime and with your children a mother who picks her children to the park or playground yet it's so absorbed in our conversation on whatsapp or texting sucks up all her attention is not only missing the boat as a mother she's losing her children we're all aware of the need to turn off these devices a child who sees that his parent or her parent won't let a phone call interrupt their quality time together that child will feel important that child will feel loved not answering that phone call is the statement that the parent is saying my child you are more important to me than anything I love you the most my child there is no greater gift for such a child people don't realize that neglecting their children while pursuing their own career success will ultimately backfire in their faces our children should be the first recipients of our time energy and attention we must strive to always improve as parents and as directors of the home how do you do that well in order to be a good parent you need direction in life so you have to ask yourself what is my ashcoff oh hush cover comes to work Nisha cafe in glasses in which direction am I looking in life what are my goals what are my values what do I stand for because this is what my child will see what do I represent it's my behavior and my actions consistent with what I'm teaching and preaching our first task is to educate ourselves there's no way there is no way we can guide other people especially if there are children if we don't know where we're going how can I tell you where to go if I don't know myself where I'm going a parent cannot afford to be list with no direction and no self-confidence you have a rough do you have direction you have a draw card do you have a guide do you have a GPS where you're going as a parent as spiritually an emotionally weak parent must strengthen themselves in order to have the power to impart proper values to their children the seven biggest mistakes parents make number one fighting in front of the children a terrible no no fighting in front of the children destroys the children emotionally fighting in front of your children robs them of their adolescents and their innocence is trial in their childhood and forces them to deal with something they're not equipped to deal with the rule is simple never fight or disagree in front of your children unless there's something absolutely critical don't do it - not being tuned into your feeling - the feelings of your children is mistake number two the number one job of a parent is to be tuned into their children's feelings what does that mean how am I tuned in to and enter my children's feelings Ramaiah how do I do this it means before you give advice correct or educate you listen listen to them but y'all comes home he's angry at the teacher the parent says I see really angry at your teacher you feel like you want to hurt him how did that make you feel listen to the child let the child express their discomfort that comforts the child instead of just smashing the child and criticizing them number three mistake people make with their children disrespecting the children's individuality understand what the child is all about not every one of your kids are gonna beat or Minnehaha men some of them are gonna go into business yes I know her now Peter Cole come here scheme is with me Mina educate the child in according to his way so when he grows older he won't go away from the Derek don't try to force your child into a situation in his name Bonzo we know the art school was started by two great men webmaster sherman remains Lara wits Rizal was passed away two years ago he has a son called iris lotto it's whose company does mortgage lending that my son works for that closed five billion dollars in sales last year that the fault of course him to say you have to go and take over art school he saw that is Nietzsche all his talents are in business the key is to determine where are our children strong and direct them for biggest mistake we make with children being verbally abusive criticizing constantly comparing one child to another a big no-no calling them names and making fun of them pressuring the child you got to be successful don't come home unless you get a name getting angry with them being impatient with them and raging at them mistake number five not taking responsibility for your marital problems not fixing your Shalom bias which as as we said today horrible ramifications on the emotional equilibrium of the children their parents who don't love each other and have some bias and marital problems create tension in the home the tension is felt by the kids and destabilizes their sense of security this should be obvious but too many parents neglect their shawm bias and they wreaks havoc number six they don't allow the children to take self control or rather they allow them to the exhaust control for example if there's a bedtime curfew it should be respected but if the child goes to bed one night and ate one night at 10 1 9 o'clock a.m. well not at 1:00 in the morning they could do whatever they want and he see the laws don't matter 7 when the husband on the wife are not on the same page the mother in the father the Torah tells us must speak as one voice parents must get on the same page when it comes to parenting because when they're different when the father says one thing in the mother another the children are not stupid they'll figure it out and they're gonna work the party that's the easiest than the most lenient to give in it's fascinating I read an article that I must share with you about couples in Israel where the husband is super religious and wife not religious at all a wife is super religious and her husband totally not religious that's called he kashrut and is in a program in Israel to try to how to keep these families together hila and toner first met when they were teenagers in high school in Israel public high school before they went to Tahoe into the army after completing that taught their military service in South earning their degrees and getting married they decided you know what does everyone do I have to tell you tell me where do they travel India and India magic spots right so they go to India that's the coldest coda she left at all okay so they go there for yoga and meditation freedom no commitments no more Wars terrorists the flush out in the West Bank so he says we wanted to take in everything in the ass to offer so one day we walked into the Habad Elson Pushkar in the state of Rajasthan in order to see what's going on there well you know if you're gonna travel you want to try and sample all the food so we are ready in Indian food we ate Tibetan food we tried all types of food I said you know what Mazda trust and kosher food while we're at it right during the two weeks there 12-meter the husband started having you know like Kurata I'm a Jew and he started to think now a little bit he heard a she ordered two by the local hibachi Leah over there on Yom Kippur Tom and fasted for the first time joining his wife who had grown up fasting on Yom Kippur but that's all she did nothing else when he came back to Israel Thomas started to make better thought before eating and he started sacred Sh'ma at the time they would go to bed hila not interested she said you know it's a passing phase I'm sure he's just going through this they probably lose this beautys and think quickly right no that's not what happened Fatah me just got stronger and stronger HeLa didn't buy in in short HeLa the daughter of parents were not religious from Iraq and Iran who grew up in Tel Aviv was married to Tom at the Habad Jew with a black hat and guard till now who had grown up totally not connected to Judaism at all he came from the Tanya when Thomas started to wash his hands after getting our mother Ani have to go into the bathroom she said maybe he needs to go to the psychologist he has OCD something's wrong with this guy so she made an appointment to see the therapist the therapist was excellent but she had no understanding what was going on because the secular because she was also he Lonnie she looked at HeLa she looked at me and she gave her diagnosis she says your husband has gone crazy so then we went to a rabbi he looked at HeLa he looked at me and he's and she and he said she's crazy you're the know more so now here I was shocked by the change in her husband she had dreamed of visiting her family and taking kids to the beach every Shabbos you know what is he gonna do in Shabbat it's a day of speech now vamos a la playa Nilayam just as she did when she was a child she hoped that she would do the same thing when she would be married with her kids now she'll have to clean house on a of Shabbat on Fridays and prepare large Shabbos adult meals not to mention educate herself about tourism mishpokhe unconscious in the beginning she felt like her husband betrayed her P chose God and not me but he'll also felt committed to the man she had known for so long and I've chosen to marry yes she considered divorcing torment more than once but she decided to stay in the relationship and if that meant taking on hahaha and sending the kids see Shiva it's fine with me she said they discovered this program in kashrut and went through the program it helped one Shabbos when visiting helos parents Tomer got caught very bit badly had to go to the hospital so he first visited a rabbi to find out what's the hahaha he was such a good guy he wanted to make sure that whatever he did well according to her huh can I go to the hospital was it allowed to do were they not allowed to do he was really telling about it very innocent for here oh it was just Saturday a beach day and she was dressed in a halter top and jeans once they got to the hospital they began to see everyone's watching them here's a Gothel on and he has a long beca shot black hat beard and she's dressed in like who's the girl right everyone's the one staring at them who are these people what's their relationship so the nurse came and said to them you're not married right you don't you guys are not connected he said no that's my wife and when I told the nurse that's my wife she said what I can't be your wife over the years they learned how to make life's work when they travel to America to visit the oil all the barbecue rebbe they divide up the week Tommy I go got he gets Shabbos and yom teruah nila gets the weekdays it deals like this whatever you would do on weekdays will do shop in Hampton you have to agree to do what I want to do which is to keep it on a recent trip to the Golan after a long exhausting day that ended with for hungry children they have four children Talmud joined this family in a restaurant with us caja that was Mahajan which is good there one daughter and three sons all go to Habad school leaving here the loan not so religious member of the whole house but he was clear from the beginning Tomer with himself and with Hashem that he would never leave his wife I told him listen I want you but I'm not ready to give up on her and they agreed and that's how they're going they have a connection she's growing slowly but there's a commitment to each other that's the key they love each other they need for the pair of the kids they made deals and they work with it slowly slowly slowly sorry their hair that leaned on the conative ot hashalom the way of the Torah is pleasant in said it's paths are made of peace no fighting let's work it out and slowly as she sees the light and she gets closer theater Scot one day versus Hashem should probably be completely religious okay I'm just gonna finish with three points and we're good five reasons a good marriage is essential for being a great parent five reasons why we need Shalom bias number one structure and stability if you have a good marriage it's gonna have tremendous health to the children children need structure they need stability if there's no shaman bias they see it right away they sense it that becomes a crisis number two parenting on the same page the parents as we said need to be United three great role models when a child sees a great husband a great father and a great mother they know what it means to be solved so that when they grow up they are now copying how you behaved so you need to be a good role model for accepting your child for who they are and not trying to make them what they not and five don't let a shot at your children even if they get upset get you upset and get under your nerves control yourself now I want to finish with the important point the family home should be filled shot no outside interference privacy is critical outside interference is dead dangerous and that one of the worst areas it comes from is from the grandparents outside interference and other people's opinions are confusing and disastrous everyone becomes an expert on your children suddenly telling you what to do be careful just sir people's faces are different so are their opinions sometimes the husband and wife have have bitter disagreement on how to raise their children and it's bad enough but when others interfere it makes the problem even worse rather than helping the interference of Outsiders only adds to the parents confusion creating a further problem in châlons bias a common problem in châlons bias and raising children is when the couple's parents interfere rather than making things better they complicate them further and sometimes the damage that's done by the grandparents cannot be fixed for that reason a couple should have one maybe is one person to go to arouse a person was Amanda Jemima mentor and that's it even when I coach all my points my coach um I have a very very busy practice I tell them you're gonna go out on a date shut your mouth no one knows anything except me and your rabbi that's it amber house we are out of a devotion in stamina iron you wanted to block off no one knows about anything and what happens in all fairness the couple is usually responsible for their parents getting involved because the couple the husband or the wife were telling them about their problems don't go telling your parents anything you have a rug you have someone the guards you that's all you need those problems should have stayed behind closed doors and the intimacy of the home once the parents find out that they get upset my date is suffering in that marriage my son is suffering in that marriage and they start you know cooking the parts once Outsiders are involved in how your house runs the problems get worse and more complicated or a victim illa used to tell us don't tell anyone once you tell people it becomes a problem and now it's sets don't talk couples must be very smart in concealing and hiding Family Affairs from outside eyes even if a grandparent asks how the children doing how's everything two words spoke Russian by the way I'm married 28 years my mother has never heard any other words with me it has no idea what's going on two miles why should she Limburger chef problems come problems go that's the way it's got to be everything's good under control it's fine no matter what the problem is don't leave an opportunity for outsiders to mix into your life once again if the parents do need outside help it comes from an expert a rabbinical expert someone well as taller or it could be professional expertise that we aren't sure - maybe someone who is you know subjection salsa Torah and halacha a couple should decide on how will we do things and follow that method and don't have multiple rabbis and cherry-pick this rabbi for this sallekhana and this drawback to that you just go to your rabbi of your choice depending on the subject matter you have one you are back one better that's it pick your Gareth with one method and one rabbi doubts are gone you're not eliminating this fficult and if you have not involved Outsiders in your life don't and if you did get rid of them don't tell parents relatives or best friends to brought out simply just don't tell them about anything and if people aren't acquiring all I heard your kids not doing well we got into a fight whatever don't worry brother Shem we have it under control grab by X Y Z's dealing with it thank you so much for your your help it's all good right guarding your house requires guarding the privacy of your house to keep you success is for parents to handle challenges by listening and applying the advice they get from their adviser their rabbinical advisory can't emphasize enough how much outside interference is detrimental to the family right the privacy of the hall must be protected from outside invasion rarely is it worth listening to the opinions of others now we're Marmont touchy subjects I got you know hit more touchy subjects a couple should never live with their parents stay away even though the parents are responsible and they don't want to interfere but they're gonna be living there they're gonna hear things and they're gonna have offer their opinions imagine how bad it is when parents are neither responsible nor knowledgeable and the metal in to all types of problems that they have no ideas about right because they had selfish motives to protect their children listen to this story reptile Mongoose rights when the bombs were forming on steroids in the Negev and the West you know there was a nut house below the other one Hamas was raining rockets into the south of Israel a couple of shell models you know everyone's packing out should be going off to our relatives in Tel Aviv's to live with them until the gut and until the Tahoe has has the area and the problem under control the problem is there are children I'm sorry our relatives in Tel Aviv are not from there not religious and have children while smoking pot and doing things there that are not acceptable the opposite ah stay put in the house where the bombs are falling where the cartoon Rockets are being fired the physical threat to your children at home is far worse than the spiritual suicide in Tel Aviv and he stayed there nothing happened danger to the soul is worse than danger to the body with that principle that spiritual damage is worse than physical damage saving money by moving in with your parents is not a good idea just because you have some convenience you can move in with them and save a few dollars there's no justification for a married couple to move in and live with their parents bad idea living with the parents is a threat to the couple Shalom bias especially today the way she rock is made with walls it's like air people hear everything the Gemara tells us about the Persians in the Gemara one of the three things they did they did great was whenever is to talk privately they wouldn't did it in the field so no one overheard them the Kumar was extolling the virtues of some of the Gentile nations so one of the things that they used to praise the the Persians for not the Persians of today but the purges even out of time of hospitals etc was that whenever they had anything to say they went outside to the field no one could overhear the conversations so parental interference in the couple's private affairs is horrible we have to be very careful with that let me close with a beautiful story about a family that came to Israel in 1950 and 1951 before in the previous story Israel was just a wasteland the desert nothing going on they came with five kids and ended up having four more and the story is taught by one of the children one of the children that we had that my parents had was my brother Tuvia Tuvia had learning disorders and that wasn't like today's special at p3 pull them out of the class and categories the classification they even understand these things sixty-seven years ago everyone was just thrown into a classroom well Toby has sat in the classroom in Israel and it was basically a vegetable he didn't know was going on he didn't have the kaeleen he didn't have the receptacles in order to learn but something interesting about Tuvia the parents never gave up on him the parents always gave him love and light and shined upon him all types of goodness and optimism and he's a slow guy upstairs one day their poor family they went to shop and they didn't realize they walk too far him and his sister you know in Israel they have these these bags you carry all your groceries in and they realized in 1950 they missed the last bus the egged bus is gone for the night it was a far trip so he says his sister innocently Tahlia marko shaven hakuna and the company will take a taxi she can't afford a taxi that's for rich people this is what we're gonna do okay I'll pay for it from my savings I feel bad Thalia it's very late so they get into the taxi and the taxi takes him home and right before you know he's getting ready to put the meter on Toby and all this is Wow no I was watching you drive sir you have amazing driving skills the way you hold the steering wheel he's so polished and he did it with such innocence because I'm admiring you drive you know I never saw anybody drive so nicely without being stressed out he goes boy chip no one ever told me that was such a good driver trips on the house a couple of days later he's with his for his brother and they're going by a construction site he looks at the construction workers and he says you guys are building a beautiful building wow what a gorgeous building how do you build that they thought the first day folios be acting like the lids like a scholar's copper but they saw that he was really sneaks here show me how you build how do you really get those bricks from I admire the way he just made the corner so perfect and he took him into confidence it started showing him had the building this is why one day this building will be occupied by all these people and they're gonna be sorry and you know indebted to you and grateful to you that you built this building new immigrants to Israel and this to of you just went on complimenting people left and right left and right it came time his brothers and sisters getting married he wasn't getting mad because he had this you know this defect this emotional you know weakness call it learning disorder but they found him a woman who had a pig oom also some sort of other issues so they became they got married she understood him well she was able to get his knee thought and to Leah because of all the compliments that he gave people because of what he learned in his house became a broker of services you need a plumber no problem I'll get you a plumber need a carpenter I have a friend in the business you need a contractor I got him to need a lawyer no problem doctor I know them all every single one of them it got to the point where Tuvia became super rich this guy with this with the attention deficit disorder and the learning disability on vast real estate and he was getting jobs for all of his quote unquote normal brothers and sisters nephews and nieces and anytime there was a problem talk via the guy with the mental instability was the guy who the mayor and he married off all the nephews and nieces Moira Borgia when a show on Vice in the house and the children pick up positivity a child who grows up who's born with defects of all types can be a star because you made them feel like they were star thank you everyone for coming tonight was a pleasure it was an honor if anyone has any questions for me on dating or Charlaine bias or Erika Bonham you can feel free to what's at me at three oh five two oh six one nine one six it's an honor and a pleasure to be here thank you to all my hosts thank you to Kazak have a wonderful week [Music]