Dr Dovid Lieberman transforming relationships part 11

welcome everyone to transformer relationships this is already part 11 of this amazing series we're getting unbelievable feedback um someone from kazakh they were in lakewood on shabbos and they they were telling me when they were they were just stopped they said oh i know you're from tune in uh we tuned in last week to the series so we're getting unbelievable uh feedback and now the goals who actually said uh last um last saturday's program that he got a call from uh from switzerland that someone said that they tune in every single week for this um this program and they love learning everyone joining in my office learning so everyone should continue sending their feedback and continues tuning into this powerful amazing series i was being presented by fazak and chickens for shabbos or any time and um everyone um to submit questions to be addressed on um on this platform um to dr lieberman's um submit them to events and um okay so we're gonna start off um someone asked the question uh we we started off last time we asked the question about um someone someone submitted a question about a teenager of theirs so somebody um submitted a question they said how do you how does one convince um a teenager to do something that is good for themselves meaning let's say like is it physically oh that you should eat healthy or maybe spiritually you should you should learn like how do you it's good for them but how do you convince them right right right right good question look you know what it's something that we touched on last time i think and that's that there's only so far you're gonna get with the what's until you get into the whys so you know i want you know eat healthy you know brush your teeth you want to learn what what what uh at some point you have to do it more into the why and it's true with us or ourselves too when we want to work on a certain media or we want to eat better or whatever it is you know we understand sort of the what to do um but when you really get to the why um you create what's called intrinsic motivation that much more motivated to do it so you know i remember hearing years and years and years ago uh there was this guy who wanted to lose weight desperately but just couldn't do it he tried every single diet in the planet uh lo and behold his daughter needed a kidney and he was a suitable match but being uh overweight he was not able to donate so his daughter he went on a diet wasn't even a question was successful with the diet lost whatever you know 60 70 pounds during the kidney because it was able to to create a a value um attached to the what so when you want your child to do something you want to first off you know i always say you know nagging is telling somebody something they already know it's useless doesn't do anything you got to give the person new information um certainly by modeling it's a good thing you know depending on what it is you have a very hard time telling your child to do one thing if you are living your life doing the exact opposite right i mean it's you're sending obviously two mixed messages um so a degree of congruence would be good uh and and they'll pick up on that but ultimately helping the child to appreciate the value and why it is he's doing what he's doing that creates more of an intrinsic why and that will help to motivate him so take a nice example like you know kid brushing their teeth like i tell my kids i said you know you're not brushing your teeth for me you're brushing them for you yes i want you to brush your teeth but you know the same thing it's like you know relationship with hashem is that we're doing it for ourselves yes hashem wants it too but we're doing it because it's intrinsically good for us so when i wanted my kids to brush their teeth and and stay away from some sugars i showed them plenty of of proper uh cartoons on bacteria and sugar and how they you know little cartoons how they drill away at the teeth as a matter of fact i tell you something robbie when years ago um when i wanted my kids we would add some barbecue and the hot dogs or just you know what hot dogs are and um i showed them a video hot dogs and you never ate a hot dog for like i know three four years because if you see how they're made you don't want to go near it which is why i refuse to look at the video myself by the way so about i don't know three four years pass and he has a hot dog for whatever reason and he turns to me he says i cannot believe i've been missing this for all these years but you know what you know there is something very powerful about the visual but the mind at the end of the day is modeling is very important and creating again that intrinsic motivation you have to get into the kishkas of the y uh in order to help move forward to what yep like i remember uh touching upon the modeling um um theme like i remember a rebellion and story said that and it says says it says he said it's like to put like a comma there like first they did it and then omir that that they they they they they advise other people to do it so like um like that's what you're saying that's right i'm sorry just on that i want to share something um for the personal files um you know chutzpah i think is something that is particularly this generation and something we have to be much more uh serious about uh and you know it's like when i talk about parenting i tell parents that you know if chutzpah is if your kids really understand just how bothered you are by it um then they are going to be much less close to dick for example you know one of my kids came back and um they were telling me the story it's not a little pictures you know they i don't know i can say that word i don't know but we'll bleep it out anyway literally a little guy and whatever reason the kids put something on the rubbish chair um but rather than simply say oh wow you know that's awful you know go ahead ribby sits down on something whatever um i remembered so well because i was really hungry my wife made something i was really uh wanted to eat but i i put on a little bit of a show to show just how disgusted i was by what this kid did and i said i can't eat and i left the table and i went into the living room and my kids are like what happened i'm like did you believe that the chutzpah of this i was like granted i'm not one for dramatics but my kids remember that to this day how visceral my response was when i heard a story do you think that they're not going to think twice before their husband deck which make no mistake kids are kids and it's it's i i'm not going to say this will fix everything and it's the end-all but you know in much the same way the child comes back you know with a bologna sandwich and cheese and a chocolate milk and puts it on the table you don't say how was your day you're like hey what are you doing what do you know what you're doing so if that's important to you and the child sees that hot spot whatever it is that you want them to work on they have to see feel and know that this is something that is is um a value to you and something important to you and as it goes to the modeling i said you know when your children see that this bothers you it'll bother them more okay great and um so we want to address that question but we think that the the theme for this um particular um class um we just had a tuba of and a lot of people they died for others which is an amazing thing um and um it's a big time for um but that is a bit more of a focus um in the world of shidduchim so maybe we thought that we'd talk about shidduchim for this class um so um so the first question is just like there's a basic question is there how does how does one know if they're ready for marriage is they're like okay just to hear a certain age okay no matter where you are in life it's like okay right right is there what's maybe there's a sign a mindset such a good question so a very few people are ready for marriage um doesn't mean you don't get married we've all waited till we were ready you know very few of us would actually get married we're working progress you want to make sure that you're just healthy enough to be able to stay in a relationship what qualifies healthy you know maybe a longer answer but la maison is um i i i don't think that a um a person so should wait until they are 100 per 100 completely uh emotionally sound and you know get three uh stamps of approval scummers from your therapist it's just you know again and not to say that if you don't have some serious issues uh that you shouldn't take a step back and maybe try to refine it um but certainly um i i i would not wait until a person thinks that rather when we say i um i'm not ready you want to make sure that it's not just it's a horror talking out of fear um and that you are legitimately working on and towards something one of the questions i ask people a lot is you know would you marry you meaning you want your other half so when i ask this to the guys a lot they're like no uh i don't owe my other half it's like great so what is it that you'd want to work on in order you know to get yourself into that kind of shape uh where you would want to be attracted to the other half um and while we are waiting while we are doing uh our stylus in terms of dating by the way we should also try to be refining and working on ourselves because whatever shape we get into hashem is going to send you know just just that person that will be able to compliment us um and uh you know we're going to attract to a large extent uh you know exactly what we put out there so the healthier we are emotionally not always but generally that the healthier the person we're going to find a lot of asterisks go there by the way because i taken out of context that that that's that's going to sound wrong but yeah um the the reason why it's true on broad strokes that if you have somebody who's emotionally unwell let's take all the way on one extreme let's say they have sort of a co-dependent dormant mentality they're going to be attracted to and be attracted by um somebody who will be maybe narcissistic or very dominant and to vice versa if a person is very extreme with that sort of disorder they're going to attract this kind of person because it will sort of help them to be completed so in that respect you know the healthier we are the healthier our spouse is going to be again in broad strokes because as we become more healthy we're less likely to fall prey to somebody who is looking to manipulate us um and we're not going to be as drawn to somebody uh who we we will uh enable in terms of their behaviors so on that note um about like okay like i'm ready for marriage i want to get married so actually we actually had an event um um this past week before there were wars being you saying uh you said i was i'll give the ten seconds uh version story said that that uh that he went to he went to the rush time and that's all and he said oh i want to build a building i'm gonna help young ladies um in high school and their troubled backgrounds so he said they said like i want to build this building so then he's then rush time and say oh just because just because you want to build this building who says hashem wants to know so he's like like what like what's going on so he's like one year later the exact same thing he said ash time was like no these girls we need this building he said oh he said he said he said okay oh you're not only going to get the money for the building or get it right away so he says uh so there are always nasa said so what's the difference he said because last year you said you wanted the building now you need the building so you say you said i wasn't really throwing she's definitely said like we can't just oh i want to get married you say we have to get to the point we want to get uh married so i'm saying what's like what's like the what's the switch like what maybe if you can elaborate i guess what is marriage like what's like this like what is this that we need to get married wow good good beautiful story so first is that you know oh this um actually past shabbos um um i met a couple of older bakram um and they weren't married and they said what's getting in our way and you know it's it's it's easy to give one-fourth answers to people you never met before um but this wasn't a hard one because i said you know the the pain is not great enough in other words you know a person who is who is very very hungry you know after a time after fast you pretty much eat whatever's around not to say that someone should marry you i was around but i said you know i said everything is too easy too comfortable too nice i said once you're in touch with the pain of being single the pain of not having you know moving forward with the family once you really get that and own that you'll be much more driven to get married um but you are not paying attention to that pain because it's easier to go ahead and do what you want to do um that's one the answer your question is i think people have a fundamental misunderstanding of what marriage is the purpose of marriage is for those of us that are already married if you're not married ignore this purpose of marriage if you're married is to grow to give if you're not married the purpose of marriage is to be basement and to enjoy and to just allow your spouse to give to you until now yeah so the purpose of marriage is to to give and to grow so when you're in the marriage and you know your spouse needs something they want something um that's an opportunity people are going to marriage thinking that uh it's about getting it's about um and which by the way you know a proper marriage is going to be very very rewarding because there's a giving there's a receiving is an isotropical relationship but as rebellion who destler once said when he got out of the shepherd broncos he says when expectations begin love the parts so if you go into expecting a spouse that's going to do all these things to make you happy to make your whole you have to go into it wanting to give wanting to grow and in that process you will find a very meaningful very productive very happy marriage okay um and then a different aspect of um which just elaborates so eloquently about um so like we we know the the the the concept of of a of a resume so it's like it's a very uh very talked about um important topic so um so like uh what what should you put on would you not put on you know a lot of resumes you know they're generic you know they i i would avoid putting deal breakers on there quite frankly you know things that are are going to be lightning rods to somebody saying yikes i think a resume you know you know a regular typical resume should be a typical resume i i would stay away from any red flags but you want to stay with not within the realm you want to be truthful of course um and um and you know and and and and you know color within the lines you know you go bowling with little kids and they've got like those those things that go in the gutter to keep the ball from going you know too far off when i went bowling i was little i could bounce in like six lanes so um so you know the resume it is really just a calling card but it is generic and i i think sometimes people mess up by putting things on there that are not traditional also for whatever it's worth category is make sure it's grammatically uh correct there it can be just a huge turn off because you know this is the person's first impression of you and i can't say how many resumes you know i see that you know just if this is how much effort they're going to put into the resume i can't imagine you know what the date's going to look like you know how untucked that shirt's going to be if there are six spelling mistakes on one page and also you know a little a little thought would be nice it shouldn't be crumpled it should have a coffee stain on it you know it's it's a calling card it could at least look aesthetically pleasing yeah so i think well i guess we'll end up on on this point that the the last point you just made about about that like you shouldn't like put any like deal breakers on it so so let's say if you if you're if you're on the other side of the of the of the coin of that you are the person who's looking at a resume and you and and they don't they all look the same they're all from the they're from xyz schools they uh they're this tall this is that dog like right right right okay they're all over 50 people i have 50 years they all sing right now is there like a way to dissect it so so yeah look you know i mean as as you know i do work you know for the fbi and and reading statements and i actually have a guy's resume here a 50 year old something guy who is certifiably psychopathic he gave me his resume and it's you know it's pretty much it's you know long walks on the beach a big fascin and you know everything he's not but it is so if you know what to look for it's glaringly obvious um but that's okay you know it's something called impression management we manage our impressions we want people to see us in a certain way and that's okay the resume should be like that which is why then if a person puts down anything that is not you know really um again within the lines you have to ask of why is he or she doing this um i will say that when calling references if you get a lot of um well you know one of these things i mean this this guy this girl has one or two or three people to put down as their ideal or if he says oh wow i didn't know why he put me down the resume you know it's not to say it's a deal breaker but it's a red flag that this is the best the person come up with a person that says you know you know it's it's uh i remember him in third grade he you know he shared his milk and cookies with somebody you know it's i'd like to see something current somebody that really knows a person somebody who's very effusive at the same time um you know you may not get you know they're going to polish it up but that's okay after a couple of dates and you're moving forward you do a little more due diligence um you could dig a little bit deeper but one of the other things on that point is you don't have to spend you know six months looking into the guys next door neighbors aunts uncles cleaning lady to see whether he wants you know do a due diligence look in and then move forward by the time you're done dieting guys and crossing tees the guy got married six times already so i know okay okay great so um we'll stop here for uh for tonight and um we want to remind everyone to submit your questions to events e-v-e-n-t-s at c-h-a-z-a-q dot org which will be addressed in future classes uh thank you dr lieberman