Dr. David Lieberman: Transforming Relationships Part 2

good after shabbos we're very egalitarian here cater to everybody so we're speaking on transforming relationships first a very big shout out and i thank you to hazak for helping to put this all together in the amazing work that they do on a daily basis tar anytime where there's is and a hundred and plus of my talks and some amazing sharing talks hundreds and thousands of of just brilliant speakers ideas that transform people's lives tens of thousands of people's lives on a daily basis and certainly chickens for shabbos an organization that does so much for so many people very often behind the scenes so we're speaking about transforming relationships and again in this series we're going to cover from soup to nuts a to z everything that you need to know about how to improve transform the quality of relationships with other people even with yourself and by the way for the record for those of you that are litigious i say everything you need to know i'm not guarantee you're going to be able to apply it but at least you'll be able to know it we spoke last time last week about the idea about that people don't move forward from guilt telling someone that they've done something wrong that they've made a mistake if you if you bring out the guilt or the toxic shame in them it does three things a quick recap number one we said that it makes them more angry with you right they like you less because you are now the source of their pain too is they like themselves less you are causing them to to see a reflection a mirror of who they are and what they are an aspect of themselves that they don't like and three is they're justifying they're rationalizing they're minimizing whatever tool that it's a horrible use it's coming up with all the reasons and rationale as to why it is what they're doing is okay so laying on the guilt does nothing so how do you move people forward again we've got a lot to cover in this series once again we'll be talking about one how to give criticism how to receive criticism how to have somebody explain something to you know whether you can hear how to be able to deal with controlling people others who try to control us and perhaps we who may be a little bit controlling of others we're going to be talking about dealing with feuds and conflicts and estrangements and you know what's interesting is that you know i've written some of you may know 12 13 books on different subjects all under the umbrella of human nature when i first started writing by the way i wrote books on on psychology and self-improvement and personal development and then i realized though that no matter how much somebody worked on themselves no matter how much they're able to protect themselves from other people manipulating with taking advantage of them or they're able to work on their own character if fundamentally their relationships were bad if they i'm not allowed to use my wife doesn't let me use certain words so if the relationships are bad if they're stinky then they had a very hard time feeling whole feeling good about themselves if they were suffering with as a matter of fact you know i once asked and everything by the way look around you if you've got one or two people in your life you'll be having a difficulty with it's okay we all have those types of people but if you have a problem with everyone it may be time to look in the mirror and you can call me but check your insurance first i was giving a talk once i don't know is that actually sinai and daiba and in that south africa must be about 5 000 people and i don't know whatever possesses me i take questions in the middle of a crowd like this but i wanted to just sort of get some feedback i said is there anyone here who doesn't have anyone in their lives who is not that's a poorly worded sentence i said is there anyone here who doesn't have anyone who's difficult in their lives i think that sounds right one person's hand shot up and i said and she was all the way in the back and after a couple of what did he say what did she say she said yes and i'm a single person a difficult person in my life it's like wow okay fine so fast forward after the talk uh she comes over and says dr lieberman i want to thank you bye-bye one second thank you very much appreciate it certainly but i have to ask you one question is it true that you don't have a single difficult person in your life she says yes absolutely i said just to be sure there's no one in your life who is difficult she said no i said what is your secret she said i cut them all out of my life okay very nice easy to do right take a sledgehammer or a scalpel to all of your relationships not what we're talking about here we all difficult people in our lives and they we're on our emotional spiritual and physical health and by the way you know we talked to hashem like sometimes like we're talking to the mafia and we say you know hashem you know so and so here i would be so much more successful i'd have so much more energy so much more money i had so much less heartache you know how to be able to accomplish so much more what are they doing in my life you gotta know that you know you didn't hear it from me but maybe they should slip fall move to florida i don't know right but sort of like you know maybe you could do something behind the scenes all these people in our lives are tailor made custom made for our good and for our growth which is why we have to ask ourselves the right question what is the message for me but that's going to be a conversation another time i don't want to get too sidetracked right now let's return to our original question of how do you give critique and tell someone they're doing something right that you want them to correct so number one is this you have to make sure that the timing is right in that space where they're doing what's wrong your ego may be engaged their ego may be engaged you're you're you're not able to connect and see clearly the best thing you can do when you want to correct a person's behavior be it yourself be your child be it your spouse be it anybody when they get it right celebrate it for example if little hayam always gets his hand caught in the cookie jar and you go over to him with his hand caught in the cookie jar and says haim are you taking cookies again and he's wiping the prom saying no i'm not taking cookies and you sit him down for a muster schmooze and tell him just how awful it is to take cookies and how terrible it is not to be honest and blah blah blah the entire time once again he's thinking i hate you i hate me and wait just wait till you see how clever i'm going to be about taking my cookies next time the next time little client walks by the cookie jar but doesn't take any cookies it could be a yum kipper it doesn't make a difference you sit him down and you charge that with positivity you tell him i am so proud of you cayenne you are able to resist the temptation at the cookies and then you talk to them about how important it is to not take things that don't belong to us to listen to mom and dad whatever it is you're charging that moment with positivity and you're letting him know that you appreciate it and how amazing it is the entire time he's sitting there 15-20 minutes feeling great about him feeling great about you and the next time haim wants to take a cookie he's going to be thinking ah i can't let my father my mother whomever it is down one of the biggest mistakes we make and again we're talking about a lot of biggest mistakes and a lot of things we get right a lot of things we get wrong is we give people a self concept to live up to or down to meaning i hear parents say this and it's just it's it can be maddening oh there's my lazy bones over there can't get him off the couch for nothing do you think you're incentivizing the child to get off the couch when you call him your lazy bones i want to tell you when you have a child you have anyone who is doing something in doing something that's injurious or not productive when they get it right if you've got a child who's more rigid i tell you rather than say come on stop being so rigid stop being so inflexible how are you gonna give blah blah blah when he is flexible those rare times when he's actually movad to give in that's when you say ah there's my easy going so and so i'm telling you it's transformative and by the way reshaping the self-concept something we'll get into more another time but you know how powerful it is in your own life and people do it in in very uh insidious ways but not to be manipulative let's say for example somebody for whatever reason thinks that you are uh very an on-time kind of person or you always keep the home tidy or you're always very calm with your kid the next time you see that person you're going to make sure that you live up to the expectation right if this person knows you or sees you if whatever reason thinks oh wow this guy's he's the most patient guy in the world you are not going to lose your temper in front of this person because he's reshaped your self-concept and you want to live up to that expectation and this goes triply true for our spouse and for our children give them something higher to live up to to aspire to so then rather than beat them up when they get it wrong let them know that when they get it right that this is something amazing reshape their self-concept in the in the process say you are somebody who can withstand temptation who can really say the truth i always tell my kids particularly the small ones i say i say i'm always so proud when you tell me the truth it doesn't matter what it is and when he says the truth even though he might have done something that was not a hundred percent rather than go to why'd you do what you do my first words are i'm so proud you told me the truth he beams he lights up and then we have a conversation maybe maybe not okay so allowing somebody to see themselves in a more positive light will energize them will energize relationship and help to move things forward now there is a lot more to cover because when a child when a person is not hearing the message when you have a difficult relationship with somebody you know parents are always concerned about getting the right words you know why i want what's the right thing to say but more important than what you say to somebody is what you think of somebody once again one of the best things you can do and we've got a lot of things on our best list is before you have a conversation with this person you have to frame in your mind the good and the positive if you come into it mad with a very myopic annoyed the world should unfold according to my expectations and entitlement you're bad you're doing wrong it's going to go south fast take the right time again every you want to make sure that when you approach the child you approach your friend your coworker neighbor or spouse whomever it is yourself it's done when nobody is hungry tired cranky like haley's comment every 72 years when you've got that right space when you're going to have a conversation that's when you approach but again even if you're dealing with something difficult i just went met with an amazing couple of having a challenge with a teenager and i said put in your pocket or keep nearby a picture of this little guy when he had his you know running around with his little uh diaper and his long curly hair or when he just he was born two weeks later maybe at the at the the bris or at uh you know the vac knock whatever it is where you still will feel those warm feelings of just love and affection before they were able to talk back but have that in mind that space of of just your love and the good when you feel that they'll feel that and all the worlds will get filtered through that but if you come into it with the this is the kid this is the wife this is the husband who's just a source of my pain no matter how calm you are no matter how you sit them down the conversation is going to go south make sure that the frame of mind is right frame yourself focusing on the good focusing on the positive focusing on everything that you appreciate in that person there are always things to look for that are negative we're very good at doing it some people better than others but look for the positive appreciate the positive you know what in the next talk we're going to talk about something called the reticular activating system part of the brain located right here in the lust bone that allows for us to focus in on the good and filter out the negative it's a fascinating mechanism we'll talk about it next time but the takeaways here are as follows when you want to correct the behavior let the person know when they get it right charge it with positivity and let me share with you actually one amazing story i'm gonna um have to be careful about the details so if it sounds a little abstract it's only because i'm very sensitive that uh someone may think i'm speaking about them because it applies to so many of us that i certainly don't want to offend or embarrass anyone who thinks i may be taking a conversation uh and using it for for for a purpose that um would make them feel embarrassed if anyone knew it was them that's a long way of saying it's i'm going to disguise the names so i was giving a talk in an unnamed city in an unnamed state brooklyn and um i was speaking about this idea about positivity this guy came over to me afterwards and said i gotta share with you a story i know by the way when they say that when you're done speaking speakers appreciate this it's always something that you just like why didn't you say that when i was in there it's a perfect wire explanation reason for what i just said that backs it up but they'll tell you afterwards in the talk they'll argue with you but afterwards i'll tell you why all the reasons why you're right so it comes over and says by the way i want to seriously about i was married for about 15 years this guy's telling me now he's at that time of the conversation he was married 20 something years but after about for about 15 years he says always the same conversation with his wife about making the beds now he was insistent she make the beds why he couldn't make the beds and just simply do this i think that's the motion or had to say anything and why she didn't want to make a childhood issues who knows who cares whatever it was she wasn't making the beds and he kept the ringing her about it so what happened is one time the spanish figure someone was coming over and she made the beds and he said i genuinely and positively said i really appreciate that you did this i really want to thank you i know for whatever reason i've been you know i've given you a hard time it's my stuff it's not a big deal and for whatever reason you haven't done it but okay so it's not a big deal i want you i really appreciate you made at this time he said i want you to know in the past whatever was 12 15 years now moving forward she has never not once made the bed right that's it see when the person gets it right you don't want to do one of those like oh very nice look who finally came to the table on time or look who finally came to dive in oh look who finally met matano it's about being genuine and appreciating that the person got it right take yourself take your ego out of the way lots more to talk about have a beautiful beautiful week amirth hashem see you next time