Divine Light, Ecstasy, and Shattered Heart: True Awakening

I felt like I was living with Hashem in the most real true way I ever have. I felt like I was becoming an actual like real person. And yeah, I was in a tremendous amount of pain, but I was also in a tremendous amount of ecstasy and joy and pleasure because those two things go hand in hand. All the while I was trying to avoid the pain and repress the pain and not feel my own pain, which is what would happen every time Mushky brought her pain to me. I would be like, "Oh my god, this hurts too much." I'd have to repress it. But the moment that I actually let it break my mind and enter into my heart, my heart shattered into a million pieces. That moment yes, I was in so much pain, but I was also experiencing so much divine light, so much godliness, literally coursing through my veins. I I came alive in a way that I had never been in my entire life. And I I'm a pretty alive, passionate, vibrant person, but this level of connectedness and embodiment I have never experienced in my life to that degree on a consistent embodied way.