Disconnect To Reconnect

[Music] hi everybody so I'm away from Shillito thank you for coming out tonight I know it's not so easy I heard that all of the office Obama programs began this week so uh bit of a monkey wrench but just before I get started to introduce myself my name is Ian ov and I am actually the Jewish liaison for the 24th for the fifth district 24 Queens community council under councilman Rory Landsman I work there very long time to put this together and it's oh he'll work together with the ABA the lines of acquired Americans and also for Zach as well and we have a very special program here tonight and just to get a start I didn't I didn't want to be right up here mr. David Mindell who is the CEO of Oh health to give a few words thank you very much Adam Shavua Tov of the sort have a bona mint welcome everyone this evening it's a pleasure to participate in to join with the organization's with them it Kazak and the balerion community to share some thoughts with you I often say that there isn't anyone that goes through life with them without some type of a challenge we will all experience oh we all do experience II or we have experienced the situation that challenges us whether it's with family member our selves a neighbor and we need to know how to ask for help and we need to know when to ask for help and we need to know whit as where to ask for help so coming out this evening and joining and having the opportunity to speak and to strengthen ourselves is very good my colleagues city veto and heather gray who organized this evening and dr. Norman Blumenthal who's sharing some thoughts with you oh hell is looking forward to continue to build a partnership with the community not only this evening but for years coming forward and we hope that this evening you not only learn about the work that oh hell does but in whatever way we can continue to support in the schools and the synagogues in your homes we we will be there with you and every way that we can thank you very much thank you dr. I makes like fun by dr. Norman Blumenthal who's licensed clinical psychologist in New York who receive his doctor from Adelphi University with over 20 years experience in trauma and bereavement services he currently serves as the Zak their family director of trauma crisis intervention for all children home and family services and he's also an adjunct professor at the firk off Graduate School of Psychology both of each of University dr. Blumenthal and his team regularly address the survivors of trauma including hurricane sandy Houston floods Pittsburgh shooting and California forest fires dr. Blumenthal also electricity Qin we have mental health issues including anxiety technology and suicide prevention in addition dr. Blumenthal is a consultant for the total of mentoring program in Cedars New York [Applause] thank you that okay thank you very much Adam and that was a very nice introduction about ten percent of it is true but it is really a pleasure to be here and I'm really looking forward in particular to the panel that's gonna follow my presentation with experts and I think that's when we're gonna really get down to some of the nitty-gritty and I know that I always learn from that from hearing from colleagues and hopefully we'll all be enriched and I'm also wanna commend Kozak and the view of the farming community and Emmet and all those who co-sponsored this event and making this off between oh hell and this community I want you to know that I think oil is one of the best-kept secrets in the Jewish community even when I joined enjoying doe Hill about seven years ago and I'd already been in the field about thirty years I really had no idea the breadth and scope of the services that oil provides a David very wisely my first two weeks told me I'm a tourist and had me tour all the different programs I didn't come home with many picture postcards or coffee mugs but I really got a sense and I think you'll come to appreciate as we collaborate more and more the the enormous work that well does many areas and particularly in terms of mental health when I'm thinking about this topic and what my focus will be for the next 20 25 minutes I'm reminded of a story I heard from a friend of mine from the Vera's when my wife's es also friend of has who had all sort of life life child had a child after his many years and child sort of much younger than his siblings and he came home one night he was at that time you know maybe middle school maybe early high school and he had a science test then he was going on and on you know how difficult the science test and what a horrible test it was and how difficult it was and finally one of his older siblings asked him what was the test on and he said paper that's children today it's not taken for granted that's something a test or anything that you communicate will be on paper so that's we're going to try I'm going to try to focus on is the enormous way the apocalyptic way in which technology has changed our world and has changed our children now I'm going to tell you ahead of time this is not going to be a hand wringing kind of speech I don't give those kind of speeches I'm not going to stand here and say talk about the good old days when we used to write letters and we used to read maps and there are only seven TV channels and they were all black and white I'm not that kind of person I believe that life progresses and life changes and we have to adjust to it I often like to quote the great theologian and philosopher Wayne Gretzky I'm sure you've all heard of him who used to say that I skate to where the puck is going not to where it's been and our success is to skate to where life is going where are things what life is what where life is heading and that's what I want very much to be our focus because I think sometimes the people get up and talk about technology in the internet etc they bomb on it they go on on how terrible it is how terribly destructive it is and in some respects it is risky I'm not gonna say destructive but it's here to stay this part of the world is very interesting historically as I think in terms of the response of let's say the toward the community the Hebraic community to the internet when it first happened when he first came out many more years ago when television became very popular the the more you see wysz community the heretic community rejected TV basically there are all those jokes about how to you know the television in the closet and things like that but for the most part it became mainstream in that community not to have a television and people saying that's ridiculous hockey not a TV it's so much a part of culture etc and they proved that yes you can you can develop a nurture a very successful community a very you know enterprising and wide community without the Three Stooges and without I Love Lucy they did it so they came with the same approach when the internet came out they said no it's a sorter we can't have it we can't have it but they realized soon you can't do that because it's so much a part of our life technology is so much a part of life you can't have this kind of blanket forbidding a blanket exclusion from it so we have to now sort of make our peace with it now another thing that's very important to keep in mind and it's often talked about in terms of natives and immigrants which is the generational schism that exists today between adults and children very much centering around technology and very much centering around social media so let me share something personal I didn't grow I grew up not far from here and in fact when I was three years old and my parents moved from Brooklyn to Forest Hills they were building the Queen's Jewish Center there was still diving in a storefront on 99th Street but they already started the building and I dive in two blocks down here at the Queens Jewish Center almost all of our parents were immigrants many of them like my mother a Holocaust survivor and we'll there was a real generational schism between us and them I had one friend who had american-born parents and he once asked him how come they don't speak English like his friend's parents is there any ones who didn't have an accent so we were much well more well well-versed in America and the work in America in English etc now they have a lot of hard hysterical stories of sometime you want to hear them about situation we had when we used to ask our immigrant parents to take us to baseball games and what kind of things happened but they also had some distance from America and they also had some wisdom from their experiences and that's what I say when I'm when I speak to the kids and I just did the other day when I speak to 13 14 year-olds about technology I put it right out there on the table and I say to them you know more about it than I do you're much more at home and there might be a new app just came out this past week that I'll find out about in about eight weeks but you and by time I find out about your on a newer one so it's in a way a klutz but for me to be up here and addressing you but you know something some distance from it is helpful to so it's so I can head give you some advice from the perspective as someone who didn't grow up with it who may not know it as well as you do and this can be a partnership because you can share with me what you're doing and what effect it has and I can give you that that perspective but their changes are huge I'm just going to go over some just general areas they'll show you the extent to which the world has changed because of Technology they're not focused on what really should be our focus today which is family relationships and communication okay first of all disrespect everyone will tell you children are what's predicted a children don't have the same regard for authority than they did in the past we hear this all the time we hear that said oh hell when we're doing teacher workshops or we're doing parenting programs all right my father just had to give me a look and I shuddered today kids are not scared of us why what has changed is it because we're lousy parents and the answer is partly technology because it used to be that children needed adults to navigate them through this very complicated world certainly I can remember that if I heard something or somebody sets on somebody did something I mean I had to like asked my parents and my parents were were the ones who gave me that information who who as I said helped me through the world so I was very dependent on them today a child doesn't need parents as anything they want to find out they can find out what the click of a mouse and as I mentioned earlier this very important device of these collection devices they know better than we do I have you know sometimes when I present more formally I have a PowerPoint then I have one delicious PowerPoint it shows very concerned parents sort of hovering over a little child the father sitting next to the kid and the mother standing there looking very worried and as a computer in the background and the father saying to the child you have to try very very hard to remember exactly where you transferred all of mommy and daddy's assets you know but that's what it's like you know they have to just totally totally it works are they not as respectful so it has impacted on that relationship it's it's the helicopter parent okay we all talk today about the helicopter parent the parent wants every second what's going on with a child why is that so today I mean that did we as parents or for guys my age our grandparents ready but or we're at parents any less loving or concerned but you know why you have helicopter parents today who's you have the technology back then you know I remember you know you went to camp and your parents and you look camp they hope you came back with all of your limbs you know that was that was you know there was no they didn't have they they send you letters I remember they wouldn't let you into the lunchroom unless you had a letter so we used to just take blank piece of paper put in the envelope and send it off the parents you know there was no there were now with emails and with nanny cams and with a you know and with faxes and whatever you know so there is that natural expectation that you're going to know everything about so I'm gonna mention later I'm going to talk a little bit when I have some time talk about apps that can monitor our children there's one app that will let you know if your child is driving more than ten miles per hour over the speed limit it's to that extent that we can which is a great thing but it's you know but but it's still it shows it sensor we can have that margin so now we have a helicopter parents so it's so anxious to wander and you touch schools will tell you I had a principal of a school tell me that she gets phone calls on Wednesday from parents could you please make sure my child has a playdate and Shabbat I'm a principal school system at it somewhere but that kind of hovering is a result of Technology another issue area which very much affects the work we do at Ohel finding out knowing information again as I mentioned earlier parents used to be the filters parents used to be the gatekeepers of what children know and don't know and there was a sort of unspoken agreement between children and adults that's probably where most of our lives were that there's some very complicated confusing things going on in the adult world and I don't know better I don't want to know about it I haven't talked so I grew up here I just meant I grew up on 63rd route off of Yellowstone was a very busy street used to be a two-way street now it's a one-way street now I was a Friday afternoon I was I think about five years old and I was a regular Friday afternoon and in the Blumenthal household my mother was making Shabbos and I was fighting with my sister and suddenly there hear screeching great Britta breaks and crash of metal will sound like a terrible accident and I remember my mother threw off her apron went running to the door and I went running after her and she turned around and very sternly said to me now you stay inside and I remember because I remember how relieved I was that I won't have to see what's going on out there what would happen today let go anyway why because children don't rely on parents anymore for information they can find out everything so they feel entitled to know and I have to tell you now we're focusing on the crisis team Here I am together with severe over here who we are redirected crisis team the team of 20 trained mental health professionals who have to go hopefully would like to go out of business but I have to go to homes and there's a sudden death when there's a vehicular accident situations like this and there are times that things happen I'll leave it to your imagination that I don't want young children to know yet I think they're too young to process it but I have to tell them because they're gonna find out anyway because they're gonna they're gonna google it they're gonna find that anyway so I find ourselves in the situation of having to inform children about things that we wish they didn't have to know but that's the world with them because they're gonna find out anyway so I'd rather they find out me this was the big question if you remember now this goes back quite a few years already but after the murder of like let's see I'm shall probably never know that's a forgotten that the most common question we got asked was I understand that I have to tell my child that he was murdered cuz he was missing or what who's looking for him I have to tell my jaw understand tell my child that the perpetrator is a member of our community do I have to tell my child that he was dismembered it's so gross and so it's so scary does he have to know that so I created a mythical character I call them the big stupid kid on the bus every bus has them it's part of your tuition check your tuition you pay for a bus a driver and a big stupid kid because every single bus has them I know them well cuz I raised two of them I know them very well and the big stupid kid in the bus is the kid who tells everybody in the bus anything he hears about and I say to them if he's gonna hear about this terrible tragedy I'd rather he hears it from you from the vent from the big stupid kid on the bus cuz children hear everything and one of the outcomes of this again just show you the breadth of how technology has changed things is that we're seeing unprecedented levels of anxiety among children oh well it's currently running a number of programs or it mayor mark is here who runs our school-based program who number of programs and schools to help children deal with anxiety because there's more anxiety today among children and we have data to prove that then there was during the Great Depression during World War Two during the Cold War during the Vietnam era and yet we're living in pretty good times we're living in pretty safe times why are children so anxious not again there could be a host of reasons one of them is because of finding out everything then there's no naivete of childhood anymore everything's out there any news item is right away seen and seen graphically so therefore there's a whole lot more anxiety other reason also again related technology is they're so used to everything being so tailored to them everything coming to them so directly and quickly in such an immediate way with no effort that when they have a struggle and they have something they have to deal with they're at facing tremendous anxieties again it comes all back to technology and then we're doing today anxiety programs in schools and by the way that touches on another very interesting issue which is the whole role of the teacher has changed so when we go into a school as we have a number of schools and we're developing an anxiety program and especially from the older teachers they'll come to us and the whole team is doing a problem we do groups and we're doing all sorts of things and they come to us and they say since one of my therapist why am i busy with children's anxiety I here to teach math I'm here to teach history I'm here to teach Lamaze I'm here to teach c'mon ah why am i busy with the child's anxiety of kids inside listen to the therapist but the role of the teacher is changing because it used to be the role of the teacher was to impart information to take the give information of the children we don't need teachers for that because again they can click a mouse and they can find out more than the teacher knows similar things by the way going on just to show you again how things have changed the physician-patient relationships have changed because it used to be that if you had a condition of course if you're Jewish you went to the biggest specialist right the head of the old Jackie Mason routine this guy's so specialized nobody's ever seen him you know it's you've got the biggest specialist and whatever he says you got to listen to him somebody could have rock monoliths lon a rare disease that there are only six cases in the whole world and they can google it and find out more information than doctor knows so it's no longer you know some people's are walking into the physician's office and they're saying why are you doing what they're doing in Texas or how about that new technique in Japan so this it's changed that whole relationship but again to get back to teachers so teachers jobs are no longer just that give over information we don't need them for that so teachers are more more becoming sort of deputized therapists and they're dealing with emotional issues with therapy oven therapy like issues with anxiety with depression with loss they're becoming our deputies because they're their role has changed because we don't need teachers for just for information even she do them and I don't like to mention you do hope and say I didn't learn enough mental illness to understand she deulim but the whole of process change again partly because of technology what do I mean is that it used to be that if there was information about the potential spouse you learned about it in an interpersonal context you learned about it while dating this information would come out and you would hear it from the person whom the information is affected so when you know that that brother of yours that you know you don't want to talk about because he's whatever that wants anything you know but you know it would come out in the context relationship today with profiles and with resumes and with information accessible through Facebook and other information people are finding out information about the potential mate before they even met them so it's in the depersonalized study and that has changed a whole process and the emphasis in dating as well so it's it's or let's even take one more point that has changed so dramatically and that's politically it used to be that there were a handful of channels there a handful of newspapers and the newspapers felt a sort of obligation they may have a sort of bent but to present many sides to an issue today we get our news online and the news becomes tailored to your interests so if your progressive all the news that's going to hit you is can be all the news that's very much along the lines of other progressives and if you're a conservative then all the news that's going to come to you is from a conservative perspective and then we have if you look at what's going on in the polarization in this country in terms of viewpoints it's partly again technology because technology has shaping us and changing us and such such dramatic ways and then of course there's the issue that I'm gonna be focusing or we're gonna be focusing on tonight which is interpersonal relationships and family relationships the technology has changed the manner in fashion both enrich the way in which we communicate and how much we communicate and again I just want to mention I'm not a hand ringer we're not gonna be talking about again get rid of it whatever we have to sort of adapt to it and again the theme if you're the type of person who is reading whodunit and reads the last page first to see who actually thought the butler did the murder or something like that I'll give you the conclusion the conclusion is our goal tonight is not to get rid of the Internet our goal tonight is not to turn the clock back our goal tonight is to take this very important highly valuable devices and means and have governorship over it we have to own it instead of it owning us we have to be in control of it instead of it governing over us but one of the very big problems is of course connection to how much how much can how we connect with other people and I can't emphasize how that is me heart back to a study that was done it's almost already about 20 years ago psychologist woke up one day and said you know for years and years we've been studying why people are sad why people are depressed let's figure out why people are happy so they did this huge international study very large number of subjects all around the world to find out what people that makes people happen they couldn't say happy because that doesn't sound scientific so they called that s W will be subjective well-being happiness and they found three things that are associated with happiness all of which begin with the word the letter F the three EPs go for it what are the three apps to make people happy that's not a little inter and we're gonna guess family yeah food not only Jews and Italians yeah fun nope friends family friends nobody gets the third I love it Facebook okay faith but how do you measure faith they can't measure someone's you measure faith by membership in a house of worship so if you're a member of a shul of the litter member of a church or a mosque and that was faith now as we used to say in your Shiva what's it's a dash of admin a.m. what's the common denominator families friends membership in a communal house of worship connections people that's what makes us happy if you have wholesome family relationships if you have good friends and you have a membership in a community the odds are you're gonna be a lot happier and it's not food and it's not finance and all the other things that people come up with and start with a letter F it's not any of that that's what Madison relationships matter yes the other day I was speaking to a group of middle school students again oh it was very involved unfortunately with the situation in in a school in the community where there was a predator where administrator turned out to be a predator it could happen in any school I want to say clearly cuz we do not know how to detect such people but we were talking to the kids is slightly different subject we're talking about tonight we're talking to the kids how to be safe how to avoid the dangers of buddy preying upon you on the internet and one of the things I had to tell the kids I'm going to talk about what are the risk when are you more at risk that summon may make believe he's a young girl when he's really a man with nefarious you know with with a less than desirable motives in mind and I said you know if you're going through a hard time and it can happen to anyone we all go through hard times if you're depressed if you're anxious if there's friction in your home we've been having some academic problems if you had a breakup if you've been bullied and you're feeling down you know and we all know those feelings we've all been there what do you crave besides a solution to your problem but you can't there's no immediate solution problem you crave connections you crave contact that's what we so emphasize in our bereavement team when people are suffering a loss they want connections that's what needs so when then you're most at risk that someone who wants the impact the Predators know they're on the lookout for someone who is having a hard time here on the lookout for someone who's depressed they're on the lookout if someone is having conflictual relationship at their parents because they can endear themselves to that person and it can be very dangerous so again connections are very important and therefore when we're we're having dinner or we're putting a child to sleep or we need to have a conversation with that child because something's going on in their lives if we're picking up the phone every three seconds because texts are coming in or messages are coming in the child is not going to feel connected or if the child's checking their their their what's up their reddit their the yolo while we're talking you're not you're not connecting those two stories I mentioned one grandmother told me recently that she was babysitting for her grandchildren and she was putting her child to sleep though the youngest the youngest grandchild to sleep and she was reading her a story whatever and her phone rang in the middle and she ignored it the next morning when she woke up when her mother was there well copy she said you know Bobbie was so great she was so terrific she her phone rang and she didn't take it while she was reading me a story and by the way children this the study out of the UK that shows a children seem to be more concerned and that the parents use of their cellphones and the parents are about the kids useless cellphones they want to be connected want to hear they want to be here they want to be heard and they want to be connected it's another story I heard this really is not even directly related to this but it's indirectly related about a child who comes home I know if it's a true story I think it is just her but I don't know the person who would happen to kid came home and he's trying to talk his mother's mother's preparing dinner I mean you can't blame right so she's listening and she's you know she's plotting around the chick at the kitchen you know cooking and gathering things and mixing and spicing and the kids talking the kids are kids and kid keeps saying ma you're not listening to me says I'm listening to you and she's busy he said mom you're not listening to me finally said but I'm listening him finally said but you're not listening with your eyes children want us to listen with our art without our eyes and we're going like this checking we're not listening with our eyes now let me tell you what most people like myself will tell you as a solution ends a very good solution by 104 you even a better one most people will tell you it comes dinnertime shut off your phone is it you putting a kid to bed it's going to sleep shut your phone during homework time child shuts his or her phone cetera etc and that's great and if that's not your solution you're you ready ahead of the game I think I have even a better solution sit there during dinner with your phone on and every time it dings and rings and bings ignore it because you're eating dinner I think that's even better because what does one say and what does the other one is say shutting it down says I know I can't resist it so I'm gonna have to shut it which ok good that's fine but what if you're saying but what if it's ringing away and you're just ignoring you because you're talking to your child now you're telling the child I'm in control of this it's not in control of me I can ignore it because I'm talking to you just like that grandmother because you're more important than anything going on there and by the way and it's a very interesting is interesting because before there were cell phones a phone would ring people wouldn't ignore it or a door or someone would knock on the door you couldn't know it but these we can't those rings we feel like because it and ourselves it does like a adrenaline rush or probably more likely a dopamine rush we have to see it we have to know it right away and it's very commenced very hard I know I have a hard time very much I'm resisting it but Butler is a homework assignment for you let's wait till Monday night Sunday's like an off day right Monday night answer your phone as much as you want etc Monday night go through all your messages all your whatsapp's everything that you just couldn't resist your facebook the side you know comments whatever that you could you have to answer right away and find me one that couldn't wait for an hour if not two if you an emergency room doctor in the same fact that matter because my work at Oval is a trauma as the trauma director I have to sometimes look because I don't know if it's a was a tragedy or if there was a sailor or sorsa family I'm helping with a sick parent at the pan tonight so I do have to look but you know but it's but I'm gonna let's say nothing's pending and or whatever sometimes or take a quick look and I see is not that I quickly put it the right but that's a much more powerful message I'm in control of it it's not controlling me and that I think is even but it but you know what don't take it for granted it's like building up a muscle it's like a workout you got to develop that it doesn't come naturally and also when you communicate via the devices it's a it's a compromised communication there's no body language there's no pauses there's no inflection in your voice and certainly the research shows and it's very important that face-to-face communication with all that is far more meaningful and it's going to be go a lot further than communicating through devices so when there's important conversations we have to do it in that fashion we have to put away the phone the other thing by the way is important is it's what we used to call it tells Mun it's a waste of time now again I'm not saying throw it out I'm not saying kids can't play games in them but first of all record outlets healthy outlets are very important for children part ticularly yeshiva children as their day is so long and the day is so pressured they need they need to play ball they need to play music they need to do woodworking they need hobbies they need yoga they need it it's not it's not just a luxury because essential but playing a game on the phone is is downtime you're not doing something constructive but it doesn't did not relaxed afterwards I know I remember when I was a kid when we ran up and down that basketball court for an hour I was completely relaxed I was wiped out unusually lost terribly but that's another story but you know but I was it was I was more relaxed afterwards children after playing for tonight are not more relaxed afterwards so within reason they can play games but it's not that soothing outlet behavior and I want to tell you something very interesting with I see something personal you know whenever I'm working with kids for many years if there's something that what they were interested in I would try to check it out so if there was a TV show they were really into I we got rid of our TV in my house when my kids were between like about 15 and 5 so if there was a TV show I used to go my parents were long ago my parents house to watch one or two episodes if there was a song on the radio that the teens I was working with were really into I would listen to the song and I would try to get a sense of it once or twice now I'm seeing a lot of kids who are obsessed with Fortnight even some adults and I crossed my mind fortnight is a complete people looking it's a very popular video game so of course my mind you know what maybe I'll go and play it play a little bit just to get a sense so I understand firsthand what it's like and I've been resisting it you know why I'm afraid if I start it's apparently it's so addictive I'm afraid I'll get hooked and I won't be able to put it down I'm afraid to even experiment with it that's how addictive it is the other thing that's very important to keep in mind and that I'm going to see my times coming up so I want to just I'll wrap up pretty quickly but it's also important in terms of communicating with our children and connecting is that these devices the computer in general and the phone distorts a sense of time now explain to what it is I'm sure we all had that experience that we've resumed something on the computer and it was 9:10 and we thought we were on for half hour we look at it's 11 o'clock and we're at the time go now the reason for that is that most time-consuming activities there's a sort of in-and-out experience cognitively you're hearing something then you check out like some of you are listening to me and then you're thinking about and reflecting and then you're listening again it has a sort of like some like waves and that kind of flow the the intent of the computer and that's why the way true of television and movies also are so fast-paced and so multi-dimensional that we lose that sense of time so when we tell that child okay you did your homework you want to play a game for half hour you can play a game for half hour then half hours up they're gonna feel like they're all for just ten minutes now if we're going to gain master as I was saying that goal is to be the rulers of the game not and that's what we want to teach our children also we love the devices they have enhanced our life significantly and they're gonna be part of our lives but it's a device that we use and you're gonna have to learn that when you're on the when you're playing a video game or when you're communicating with your friends on Yolo that time flies it happens like quicker and if there's a time constraint when that time is up you're gonna you're not going to think you really had your full time that's gaining master of it we're gonna learn how to adjust and adapt to the reality of that now I'm just very quickly I want to talk about how do you monitor with children where I'm sure we can talk about a lot more in the panel so what I want to talk about it and I'll tell you my own bias I'm not a big fan of filters I haven't great I think most of the kids not have bypass the filters so I don't think that that's gonna work I think a far better approach is what they call monitoring devices which are apps that give you the option of seeing and knowing what your children are doing and by the way but here's a very important point put it in your child's phone but put it in your own phone also and when you tell your child and tell your child I'm putting this device in cause I want to know what you're doing I wanna make sure you're safe I want to make sure that you're not overdoing it you're not you're not sneaking it into your room at night and playing them and that should never be in the room the phones never be in the room with the kids but you know what mommy sees everything I'm doing and I see everything mommy's doing it's not just you this is how we gain mastery over the slice this week we create certain safeguards because of the very dangerous and destructive kind of things that you can go on and get involved with when you're online and there's some very I'm gonna just tell you some of the very good partners and new programs out that are very helpful and but they're whole bunch of them there's one called air pact which is very popular ken gives you that oversight and by the way the capacity to shutdown the kids phone when they're when they're it's time to go to sleep so they can't use it there's a new program bark which is has an annual fee but uses algorithms to identify potentially dangerous or destructive or harmful sites or activities that the child does so it's not like you have to look at it and then make that judgment it's almost as if the app makes that judgment for you I mentioned before family time which is when they app that not only monitors the the the the phone but also tells you when your child is driving over ten miles per hour over this over the speed limit Net Nanny canine these are some of the common programs but as I said do it for yourself as well with the rashad of the rub on them I just want to conclude my part which I see my time my time is up with just a tour inside I just had a week ago and I think it's very relevant you know better last week we read Pasha Noah and we read about the McDowell bevelle the Tower of Babel the tower the people gathered together in one Valley is a very interesting four it's like nine sue Kim and if somebody pointed out it's the transition between Noah and Abraham it's interesting but they're gathered in the valley and they discovered brick making but they were able to make bricks this was have been an incredible discovery it was technology you didn't have to build things with stones you can build them with bricks and they built this huge Tower and God got very angry and he created different languages so people were confused and many of the commentators struggle exactly what happened here what was the sin and if God was so angry why he smite them with all this you know with plagues and whatever you know fire and brimstone why did he why did he create you know Italian and French and Yiddish you know like what was what was the point of that so the apartment nel one of the classic commentators says something that's very hard to understand he says you know what the problem was that they make bricks now should have built with stone why are you tampering with nature why are you changing nature God gave us stones build with stones now it's very hard that's very hard to understand because is the Robin out saying we shouldn't we shouldn't progress we shouldn't hey you know it tell you know drive cars we should become like the Amish that we should only use what nature gives us and decides like if you know anything about the bar Bernal he was one of most worldly of all the commentators he was the treasurer for Ferdinand and Isabella he financed Spain's the near conquest of the world was he sitting in captain with his fingers he didn't use the technology of that time so I haven't answered that question I don't think that Bob Bernal was saying he was against technology I don't think he was against advancement but when you discover something new don't build a skyscraper don't try to war with God don't try to think now you're so powerful don't let it so take over your life but you have that kind of grandiosity do you think you're on par with the Almighty use it own it benefit from it but you're in charge you're the boss ignore the messages tell your child how and when they can use it and I think by the way that has to be regular instruction now in schools we will use it our benefit but it we will control it it won't control us and with God's help and with more meetings like this and more growth we'll be able to raise healthy children who we can communicate with and we can derive much not hutton happiness from them thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you very much dr. Blumenthal we're not going to change the format to the panel for the answer your questions so hold index cards that you got those are for your questions I'm going to invite the campus director of Emmett rabbi Kegel to come here and do this thing can we still be heard on tour any time so but yeah let's put the extender right there maybe that's so far away wonderful all right welcome everybody so before I call our awesome panel I just want a telling a little story I'm coming from chef at Olin and we just did a mistake in Jersey I've been on campus for the last 12 years with Emmet it's been a real privilege we go to different colleges around New York and having Queens and even going to Stony Brook Long Island so as of late I'll tell you it's been the number one here school does anyone recognize this yes it's a cell phone now it has not been the number one tier of tool because you know I'm like what's happening everybody and all that other jazz no it's become the number one here at all and I became observed myself so and I just see this is acting so amazingly because when I became religious so the difference between a regular day and Shabbos wasn't that great you know like okay you didn't watch TV you didn't run through your telephone but it's nothing it's absolutely nothing like the difference between a regular day and Shabbos right now that we have these things that we're all addicted to in our pockets like dr. Blumenthal will say now these students we have they don't keep shelves and we have the need for sheva tones and this shop is read around 20 students I think they've all kept Shabbos I know at least half of them there because I personally confiscated their cellphones and locked a mother now what do you think happens after those 25 hours the students stand up and speak during shell show their story third meal and they say this has been the most meaningful 25 hours of my life I've talked with people I had deep conversations that I never had before because you know these guys are 18 miles or 18 19 years old and they didn't whip their phone their whole lives their whole of all their memories are with their phone now you can put away the phone for twenty five hours so wow this is Shabbos I'm so connected to friends I see families are so connected this is what I want to do so I set the cell phone in a way has become our number one tool because people realize wouldn't happen you know not having this for twenty five hours I want to join so the even in things that may not have so much good there's still good Hashem finds away it's really amazing so I want to call up the panelists and also in any of you have any questions or anything please write them down because this is gonna be a really great discussion open forum very candid the panel's don't know what we're asking you then I have some questions of my own that I'm thinking of okay so the first person that needs no introduction cuz he just spoke for the last half hour dr. Blumenthal please come on yes as we used to say come on I don't know if anyone got that joke okay next we have a well-known therapist specializing I believe in addictions and his name is dr. akibo Roman please [Applause] okay next we have founder and lead rabbi one of the rabbits probably don't leave it because I bad idea on the euro thank and last but certainly not least in my world the CEO of Emmett and MSW in his own right not only doing here but also counseling and I don't know how much he deals with technology in terms of our students but I feel it's definitely he's definitely involved rabbi akiva Ruttenberg so if anyone has any questions please hand them up in the index cards just hit if you have black and experts nagging hand them also we will make up questions do you have it in this place if any of you guys have question sorry no it's okay if you don't because I thought maybe you have questions for one another but you were you they want answer okay yes please hand up all the index cards okay thank you so much any questions if you can - Adam black didn't expose amazing thank you thank you fan of his book okay fine also what I really like is that you know there is looks like some diversity in the realm of Orthodox Judaism from this panel so it's going to be interesting to see how everyone responds to the different questions okay so the first question that we have and by the way if anyone thinks of anything please write it down and enough I don't want to start falling out on people because then I miss someone then they'll feel insulted or anything and I don't want it to be sporting tones trying time tight self-identity okay first question is my teenage son told me Papa or mama or mama trust me I don't need a filter how do I respond as a parent okay so let's go with dr. akibo role now and I'm gonna give you the mic so they can hear that okay can I hold your water well I believe we spoke about filters a little bit before what oh thank you we spoke about filters a little bit before and obviously I think there's gonna be a difference of opinion on this panel about how we feel about filters the notion of saying trust me I do believe it starters we should be trust in our children the objective is to arrive at a place where we absolutely trust our children but that is something that warrants nurture in order to get to a place where we could look at our children they can look at us and there's a trusting relationship it's not something that simply happens it's something that we need to earn we need to develop over time and understanding the nature of Technology we need to like take serious consideration as to how it affects us personally and one thing we know based on the data we've seen literally every single year since it's been around that the people spend more and more time on it it's inherently addictive it's created to be addictive it's created to be something that we spend a lot of time on so we're trying to take it away from something that's personal any time it becomes personal trust me I want to trust you I want to be present with you but at the same time I understand the power this technology I understand how challenging it is to be in that place and we're gonna get to some interesting topics I assume when it comes to some of the harms some of the dangers some of the content that exists online and I think that's something we could say to our children I do trust you and I do love you and I trust myself but I know how much I sucked I struggle with this I know how hard it is for me every single time we sit down together as a family and put it away I know how challenging it is so trying to get real and understanding honestly what technology is how it ultimately affects us we do need to have some oversight there needs to be some understanding that that it could be very harmful for a variety of different ways and invited variety of different means and as a result of that I do trust you I do love you but I understand that it's complicated and I need to be a part of his process when you get to a place where you're an adult and you have your own internal oversight or you have someone who's looking out for you then I'm gonna pass you along to that individual but we all we all want some degree of accountability because if not we're gonna just buy into what the system is in the system is one that's inherently addictive and I don't want to harm you I'm I'm accountable to make sure that you're okay and your well-being is well taken care of and this is something that if left unchecked will ultimately hurt you and and I think we need to change just a little bit just one throw this in and I'll pass it along need to change a little bit of a definition of parenting when it comes to technology generally speaking we perceive healthy parenting as a child who's very comfortable with us and very happy with us and they're communicating well and effectively but when we think about technology of good parenting dynamic with their child is not going to be one that's filled with comfort there's gonna be a little bit of anxiety that's present in that relationship and that's okay we need to understand going in there's gonna be a little bit of anxiety at least a little bit possibly more because there's a tension and that tension is not just between you and your child the tension is between us and our relationship with technology and once we that there this is a tense experience then we're more comfortable with the process of trading some home guidelines some homo oversight that will benefit the children beautiful okay thank you that was a very like I love that answer just coming from more of a like a former Soviet background you know just you use if you sell your parents usually hey trust me new parents that what are you crazy and but your answer is just like it was so like I wanna trust you and you know you sort of get to the same way which it's so it's so it's so beautiful okay we're gonna let to a possible panelists answer each question and I will randomly choose the two next so the next answer to this question it was going to be rabbi me euro so again the question is if your teenage son says Abba trust me I don't need a filter I got it I'm strong you know Trust is the foundation of any relationship Cina husband and wife between a parent and a child between community members so anytime someone tells you trust me like the previous speaker dr. Akiva purlins just stated you gotta tell them I do trust you and I do love you but at the same time the dangers are real and greater people have fallen in the past one one thing I would suggest I've discussed with couples in the past as well when the husband has a lot of trust in his wife or vice versa I would tell them very simple and it seems like it's a successful method Hotelling very simply I don't see any reason why a couple or children should have different passwords to get into their phones you can have the same exact password for everything every single child in every single member of the hassle travel is saying number 1 1 1 1 or 2 2 2 2 right and and it should be no reason to have any secrecy behind where your password is you know so if you're sitting in the couch and and and and your phone is not there and your wife phone is there you should be able to pick it up and use it just like it's a it's your own phone and and if the family actually has urges where they tell each other listen the trust is so real I'm not concerned about hiding any information then then you see that there's there's a certain comfort zone between everyone and there's nothing to hide I think that could lumic also mentioned before we had these apps were you able to monitor what everyone's doing it's not just for your child to have it you can tell you some German members putting it on your phone you know it's gonna be on my phone and I mommy's phone we're all gonna be monitoring each other so there's a certain understanding that's not because we don't trust you because we know how great the danger is I once told a couple of the joke but they actually told me it worked very nicely I said to them once when they had this issue of trust I said you could have at any point you could just go to your husband or your wife it's a hey put your phone down and see what they're doing right you can't click even one more right back what do you it shows a lack of trust oh no no you do you have to do it three times a week it's if you must do it three times a week so there's no reason to think that I'm suspecting you and believe it or not I was saying as a joke or what couple of digits in rabbi it's an amazing system Bank right just put your phone down and he picks up his hands uh you were doing this Cherie watching a football game you know saying but but the idea is that there's a level of understanding we're working together in this we're doing this together as a team we're gonna try to grow as a team and we try to prevent any problems as a team so so again with the teenage son obviously they want to feel that their father and mother trust him in every way shape or form but uh but it's it's a danger zone and when it involves danger we got to show them that we're all gonna be putting the necessary steps to protect ourselves even though we're 30 40 50 years old it didn't me for us those are for you as well okay beautiful one of my kids actually here in the studio audience oh I'm there careful what I'm gonna be saying about parenting today okay next we have to skip some questions okay the next question is what I I guess let's go with there's two classifications of kids I think for our purposes here we have like before teenagers that have set up technological use and teens and up because we do have to say that there is a different you know once the teenagers get a little confident that obviously just like us when we were kids they think they know better than us and the four kids are teenagers usually they listen to us which is amazing so the next question is for preteens people who are not teenagers yet how much time do the members of this panel think is appropriate for a child to be spending on technology for a day that includes you know whatever iPad net whatever that thing is and and we're gonna start with Rothenberg what's up Cory around the time the preteens should be spending on technology per day can you quantify that I think it really depends on the kid in the situation I don't think there's a one size fits all for these things it also really depends on what kinds of content they're they're watching we're doing I'll share a personal thing we have the ps4 in the house last two three years and it's upstairs in my son's bedroom on the third floor and I knew my second oldest table 16 was playing before tonight and I'm pretty busy something good things and my daughter who's six then just to me last week it was like I think Wednesday night and my wife went to a class and she messaged to me she's like um said she was playing for tonight so she was doing for night and and something about a hundred kills and I'm like what I didn't know you were playing for tonight so it turns out her older brother who's 9 started playing for a night and I know either right and honestly I never really even seen what before making looks like like football with you so I looked at it and I told my older son that my 16 year old I told him that I was not comfortable playing anything like Call of Duty or anything which is like real violence but for tonight we was described to me sounded like it was okay in that aspect and I told the nine-year-old and the six runner said you're not playing this anymore I didn't know you were doing this you're not doing it anymore and I don't know anyone looking Kew Gardens Hills I believe you guys might have heard the shrieks of all the way over there but I I said that's it I didn't realize we were doing this and I said you know we'll buy you other other games that are more appropriate you're not playing the game and I think that there was an immediate reaction where they weren't so happy thank God they've just gotten into it so I sort of caught Lipton's but but I think that when it comes to younger kids and I'm even say just with my my 14 year old son better they'd actually appreciate when we supplements enough they don't admit to it immediately but they really do appreciate the limits and they appreciate that we care enough about them then we don't want them to do this and my six-year-old daughter my only daughters were pretty close she looks at me and she goes I said this is not good for you she goes fatty kill anyone verbatim vermin so they do appreciate that and I think that we have to use a lot of problems a lot of safe home when it comes to technology for ourselves for our children there's no simple one approach to take with it if they feel that we're we're limiting them then they're going to rebel against us so there's a lot of a lot of say for I just want to say this I my parents ever all the months he passed away a few years were tested and used to say people come to me with problems and they say why the hell give me such a complicated problem so you would ask them what's your IQ and they would say often they would say pretty high IQ so he said do you complain to us on that he gave you a high IQ says no so why do you complain that he gave you problems that you have to use your whole like you know you have 130 IQ but you want to have a problem with the 70s right and the reality is is that we have to use that safe we have to use our head and sometimes I think technology that removes those mentioning tends to shut up down our brains it makes us not think but I think we have to use our safe home we have to look at situations and that every child has to be treated the same way some children different than others which is all complication but I think they answer the question the limited as much as possible within reason and so yeah be very conscious of the situation extreme please present said dr. Bruno do you remember the question yeah sure sure okay so I'm gonna realize probably pretty much repeat ready to quickly throw a q7 you know the I think you alluded to something very important which is it's very difficult if everybody else is doing they have to China as I call this delusions of getting limited you know going to do and you tell you kid they can't do something but everything else doesn't that's so that everybody else does it because they told their parents that you allowed you know somebody in touch with other parents because sometimes parents are allowing their children discover a lot of things to do certain things so they think everybody else is doing it and then that for the parents have the same reservations so just like how we say the children during recess are plotting to undermine us so we have to talk to each other that's that's one thing that's that's important but you can't forget terribly it off with everybody else it's very hard for a child if everybody else is doing something you're trouble be different and here again I'm going to bring up something I've moved to the world Europe it's here to stay video games technology it's here so I I am much more interested I didn't want to contract for kill but a bit more when I'm limits but I also want to teach mastery so what I would recommend this before we you know with a pretty team when you're first introducing your child when they finally reach that age did you decided they're ready they use some of the technology haven't have enough time to carry a cell phone don't just handle them and say okay you wouldn't it up with the car right when your child is ready to dry you're just kind of hand them the keys to the car now go dry what do we do we give them lessons and we teach them about safety we teach them how to drive the car so when they're ready at that age to start using technology don't just hand it to them sit down with them explain it to them explain what that why they've certain programs as a cue to said why why didn't have white is so addicted why their programs is why did black buy the company making a lot of money if they grab you and make you want to stay longer and then use it with that at first lowest before you just answer the phone to that let me show if you let's do something together let's play game together let's be honest social medias like together let me show you how to use it let me show you how to understand let me show you let me teach you how to tie yourself let me teach you how to know when you've been on it long enough so whatever age you decide I think is very hard to pinpoint specific age you have tons of Charleston of them communities and it's going to change of ever seen a dramatic increase in use of computers and so I mean of devices and social media in preschool but just don't he handed over to them teach them destructive because that's I think really the ultimate goal that we want to get to as I said earlier is that here the Masters of the program of the devices rather than gathering our masters and to save one quick thing of course yoga might Guddi and in a couple of schools ranging from elementary school all the way through high school in the Jewish schooling systems and I wanted to figure out at what point do parents sort of lose their grip and their hold over their children and their relationship with technology and turns out when I ran the study few years ago that that breaking point was the beginning of high school in elementary school and certainly even in middle school parents were much more aware of what their kids were doing but the second day they stepped foot in high school it was as if they had no control whatsoever someone dr. Blumenthal was talking about education those first early steps like we're talking to education needs to take place prior to that cutoff point where by the time they walk into high school they already have some degree of mastery not absolutely mastery but to some form of degree so they're empowered when they walk into that space okay beautiful thank you okay our next question is our 11 year old plays a certain video game and he wants to open an account with this game whatever that means is this dangerous so I just want to say before this questions answered I think it's very important for us as parents to realize that especially before high school when someone's 11 we have a tremendous amount of control with our children and I would say after high school we also have controls not as much that's true because we have to definitely give them our independence we have to keep communication going we have to have a beautiful trusting relationship but we cannot cannot forget that we are the parents and I often tell my kids that you know until you're 18 you have to do what we said so I'm waiting to see what happens absolutely 18 hopefully by that time think they'll get used to it so whether you cannot you cannot be afraid to parent we can't we're handing our kids the kids are not parenting us so to answer this question if your 11 year old wants to play a certain video game and open the count on it and it is as dangerous what should you do Matt Mira the truth is I'm not such a Bucky when it comes to opening up accounts and games but um I haven't had the question country yet for my kids I will tell you one thing that ultimately you know and the lover girl doesn't love you old he is still at the point in life where he looks up to his father and his mother and he understands their authority so with that being said there has to be you know rules that are set forth that are very very clear and very very with set boundaries that the children in the house will have to understand except now what's gonna happen is but my friends are doing it and she's doing in the guide and the block is doing it she can't just shut it down and leave them with nothing you have to be creative enough and say you know what kind of game is this what's happening over there what are they doing so maybe if it's a game is that so problematic you you might say no but that would go ahead but many times it leads to some other things and other exciting adventures like they sign up - there may not be up to up to par with your family once so therefore you have to give them another option you have to create some mother okay so you know maybe you can't do this now but let me hear what other things do you want to do that I wasn't wanted at mommy I wasn't one to that you know what this is something that as a family and our value system it sits well with us look at this view instead because if you just shut them down and they feel like they're left out in the cold they're gonna eventually eventually comes with rebellion tries to get to that high school age or maybe a little older and say you know now I'm more independent I don't have to rely on you anymore so yes you definitely have to put your foot down I think that by slamming it down you have to do it nice and soft but they have accepted at the same time you would have to try to find some sort of other means to hopefully appease them and make them feel then that left outside okay great how about rabbi ruinberg how would you yeah I think you already answered this what about dr. Bowman if you be preaching how much control do you suggest we have I want to introduce everyone to a wonderful website that builds ratings ratings of each game as we know when you look at the Android as well as iPhone they have a there's a rating an age reading connected to every game but there's another website that does it a lot more thoroughly it's conscientious with regards to parenting and children it's called common sense media and with common sense media you can literally put into the name of any book the name of any movie and certainly the name of any app and they'll give you some sense of what this app is and how it's played and what becomes available to a person once they're on that app so a game for example has an 11-year old that gives them access to like chats on the side you just want to be a little wary of that it opens up an entire world that you may not be aware of I'm working now with a young man who got involved in pretty wild crazy behavior as a result of learning something on some of these chats and it was at a very young age and the parents had no idea until years later that this guy was developing relationships online with other people you really want to know and he wanted me to be open to the idea of educating yourselves and and dancing with your children as to what's helpful what's not helpful but you first want to know what is that game or what does that have that they're really attracted to what exists what at what site elements to that app exists we could begin to have conversations with them about it as well as reach out other parents and try to get a sense of what the norm is within within that agent okay yes that's so important and it's so hard to always see what your kids are doing and it's hard to have these difficult conversations and parenting you know is a real job so we actually have a couples type of question next so that question hand is my I'm just gonna say for both genders my wife / husband seems to be ignoring me and spending time on the phone instead of technology and said what the how do I what is the best way for me to deal with this dr. Blumenthal do you do some couples work as well I want to thank my wife is submitting that question you know I think it goes it goes back to what we mentioned before that you know like with trust question I mean my answer to a job when we said trust me I trust myself and if we don't realize ourselves it's part and parcel talk about the addictive nature part parcel that comes with any addiction is a lack of self-reflection where it's any addict whether the addiction is device or the diction is food or an addiction is sex or diction is gambling losses that sulfa that we call the observing ego which organs the capacity to look at yourself you know they do because everybody thinks they're in better control than they really are and therefore I think if and we're not a human and we can also get very caught up in and I know this happened to me sometimes when I've gotten interested something on on a device whatever and that's something I realized again the same thing I said about the kiss happened to me that I thought would look at it for five minutes and I see it's 45 minutes and I have lost track of that time so tomorrow marriage is I mean you know we can ask the question what are the functions of marriage and I could give a little update for one of the functions of marriage is beat your breasts that if somebody who cares about us a lot is observing us and gives us feedback and from that feedback we both grow and I think it's important therefore together in a meaningful strange metallic positions when a straight program and pulse about writing skills were speaking to spouses I said also speak to children not bring yourself up on a pedestal because we're none of us are immune to these dangers and we you know so we can fall prey so when you say to somebody when you're speaking to your spouse or to your child with that humility that I think you're too caught up on something here again you're not attempted to me because of the devices and I know that can happen to me too that they send that spirit of a personal much better I like that that's true hold on I just I just want to reiterate this is like great communication so you don't say like what's wrong with you but it's more fun to say that way but instead you have to say like I'm also struggling with this you say this is a very American I'm also struggling with this maybe we could do this together it works I wish the other way work better it's like more fun but it just doesn't work alright next robbery Burke what would you do what would you say to a couple that feels like the other person is ignoring them and has on the cell phone device so it's a great question looking for the answer yourself this is Richard hi I think that just so going back and what dr. Blumenthal started off this whole program tonight this whole issue this whole challenge is such a new challenge it's only about 12 years old believe it or not that the iPhone was introduced that is like 12 13 like when we had a black man I had why wasn't early adapter I have blackberry intellect I think seven years ago and like this whole issue like is a 10 year old issue and it's taking over our lives in ways that we don't even have a clue and studies are just beginning to come out to understand what this is and and studies connecting like comparing the the dopamine levels in your brain and the different parts to bring that light up from a heroin high comparing that to to getting a text message and a whatsapp message and this is a pretty scary situation it's a pretty scary thing and I think that we have to look at this from the perspective that we really don't know we really don't know what the right approach to take to this whole issue and once we take that approach of being aware that we don't know I think it already opens up possibilities for introspection for not getting so defensive and you know for example what we think of parenting when we think of our relationship with our spouse we usually model of our parents relationship we can't do that here we can then our parents didn't have these devices you know many of us didn't even have these devices when we got married in the beginning of our relationships and just just an example I picked up this book called 24-6 the power of unplugging one day a week and this is written by an author who was I believe she's Jewish but a particularly religious who married somebody who is very successful people and her husband was basically keeping Shabbos but not necessarily religious Travis but they don't have used their cell phones and any technology I believe maybe these landline whatever they don't use a any type of like cellular technology computers or ion channels and this is a secular person came to realization that this would totally transform their life by having this separation from technology and and I want to share a personal thing this summer we had our my wife and I had a 20th anniversary and my job is very very connected to my fault okay that's that's an understatement Isis some of my office showed me their madam minutes I used my phone in the month of October and that was a month like every other day was the office and it was it was a scary amount that deceived to see how much I used it and we went way for a week and I made a conscious decision not to take my phone and I left my phone there ignore me I took a laptop a tecmo once a day and and I designated one of my son's who's you know it's very key interest in what I do and I 11 years old and I said ok this is where I put the phone no one else a lot ago where the phone is I'm z3 of my trip you're gonna turn the data I'm gonna call your gonna go through my messages to see if there's any emergencies and he did that twice over the trip he really enjoyed it and it's uh the crazy thing was so we had a long flight but Joseph the fact that I have my phone with me I felt relaxed just not having the phone and I noticed this myself I live in think you Garner's a little like two blocks in the show and I don't take my cell phone with me to show I'm like breathing deeper I'm actually walking straighter as I walk to show and it's amazing how this technology has affected us and I think that we change the attitude of we're exploring of ways to disconnect with a very important device it really does make a difference if we take that that might say so so you recommend that the couple yell at each other and talk it out the couples each other text each other huh what's first always says very powerful and and we're really all too addicted to technologies I think I think dr. Bloomfield said it right the tag we really need parents for so but well at the end a what would you recommend how is should they interact with each other in terms of solving this issue quickly remember if anything is accepting that this is a major major challenge and they're golden you to with that mindset so in my case I use my phone much more than my wife so for our trip it made sense for her to take herself and we'd have to take fun and it could be the same thing with some of you guys are some people in the audience like if you're much more likely to get a message so go to a restaurant with your spouse and leave notice your control team can reach you if there's an emergency but leave the other phone in the car or leave it with and it goes with with again what I'm trying to a mindset of this is a challenge and we have to find solutions to the challenge we have to be creative and finding solutions to this challenge and yeah okay beautiful I think would be helpful to have certain to work out together as a couple that there are certain times or certain places or experiences that together you're saying we know this is complicated but this is a cellphone-free experience which means looking sadder than watching you know a married couple in bed watching two different shows there's something about watching a show together and talking about it having an experience like that or even not speaking at all because the second you get into bed and we all need is excuse everyone's working overtime at this point we all need to find a way to relax but we also need to find a way to connect so making certain times or spaces or experiences a deliberate process of just like we spoke about dinner dinner is a time where you either put it away or you don't respond to it other times working out as a couple to say our relationship our marriage our connection matters more than whatever it is that we're trying to accomplish in this moment and come up with some type of plan and and you need to check back into it I don't think you set it in stone and the remains in stone this is the type of thing that you come up with an idea and then three months later you need to renew it all over again or maybe revise it but work together to create space for one another that's meaningful if dr. Romans spouse is also dr. Perlman and their conversations must be so nice how do you feel about that okay I just say for the record that we don't do that we just love each other that's it so okay next question okay regarding teenagers who already hooked on YouTube fortnight etc what do you do about these things they complain that they're bored and that everyone's doing it what should we do as parents so I'm gonna try to feel this one so you know the first thing when I'm faced with a difficult situation as a parent the and any situation really but especially as a parent is I pray to God I dive into xem for help because we're trying to really raise good Yiddish a Candela beautiful Jewish children and how can we do without a sham so it's very important to remember that for any of these teenagers couple dishes whatever whenever went out fully in control which is often we need to pray to God we really need to downsize show besides that in parenting I always really strongly feel that the parents are following the child's lead okay so when my boys were about to eat entered teenagehood and I was worried about them being on like YouTube more than I wanted to be anything else where I wanted to be on so I asked several different readies at high schools like what they recommend it and the main answer I got was teenage children cannot if you're worried about your teenage boys especially being on things you're not supposed to be on well they can't differentiate so either YouTube is good or YouTube was bad Internet is good the furniture in his bed it's very hard for them to differentiate at that age so what I decided to do for myself and because and this was not easy is I got rid of my Safari yeah yeah I was not I had other filters on whatever but I went like cold turkey no Safari that's like the little app with the Apple thing so and I just got rid of it and I really I don't go on the internet and because I'm not going on internet so that it's able to tell my boys like hey you know what you're too young for the internet right now when you get older we use that famous 1818 when you can drink 18 you can do it so so when you're 18 we'll talk about it right but right now you're too young I'm not on myself and I'm more than 18 so you don't need to be on it so then another thing we do at home is we do not allow any technology upstairs but we you know we don't live an apartment we have second floor it's one of the bonuses of living in New Jersey easy parking spots and you get more than one floor for less than several million dollars so we don't allow technology upstairs for our children now could it imagine if our children we didn't have a lot of technology before us we brought upstairs so of course they would see the hypocrisy they would call us on in a second and they would not Stanford especially if there were teenagers so by us leading by example we're really allowed to we really able to get a lot of messages across and obviously having open communication so I suggest for the parents to wrote this make sure you're not playing for tonight you're not playing for right there's a less of a chance make sure you're not on YouTube when you're not supposed to be and then that's gonna be make it easier for your children okay next question we have is that I love this questions Steve we're gonna assume this is true even if this is not true we'll go with it Steve Jobs said in an interview the late Steve Jobs said interview that he did not let his children use the iPad tech industry parents severely limit their children's use of technology how can we also do that we'll go to about in Europe I actually have a good friend in the audience here it's little a demon I gave me a beautiful article a while back about Steve Jobs and his beliefs and technology and the truth is that uh it's a tremendous tremendous Aleph if these people that created it going well with it are holding themselves back from it right it's a tremendous like Michael Jordan not playing basketball but I will say one thing I think that Blumenthal mentioned a few times it's here and it's here to stay and and it's very difficult for a family's been into it for ten years everyone had that besides they were becoming Steve Jobs it's not a developer shoot so how do we deal with the current situation that's happening in 99 percent of the homes Lamesa let's be realistic you know these smartphones and all the technology is is making life so much easier business is smooth their communication with your family all across the world you could buy and sell with the click of a button life is definitely better because of it life is definitely easier because of it but the quality of life is being affected tremendously they mentioned earlier about going to restaurants and it's very common either both the husband and wife one of them is on the phone the whole time right yeah you gotta take the wife's knees in the husband texture I gonna bless you it's a major major problem where where it's it's overtaking us at a point where we're losing that connection that face-to-face connection that that that that communication where you're looking eye to eye to each other so Sole Mio say could we become Steve Jobs now that might be good I'll invite the good but every single home has to have boundaries you mentioned your home it doesn't go past the first floor you know every home has to have rules breakfast it can't be on the table or like that to lose they'll say maybe it should be on the table when it rings and things you don't you don't look at it teach a kid that you're much more important than whoever it is that's calling me right now but you gotta set boundaries you gotta make rules it doesn't you know past this time no one's using it if you don't finish your homework you can't do that whatever the rules you want to make up you know your home best you got to make those rules and you got to implement it you got to be the role model for that rule it cannot be that during the dinner table you're using the phony telling your Seventh Seal to put it away because your comments is important but he feels his those important so so therefore you gotta have rules that are going to be kept by the husband by their wife by the children in all circumstances and we're gonna bite by it and we're gonna do this as a team when you do things as a team it's much easier to sabotage them succeed but if you're not doing here the team it's not gonna work I will at one point I was year ago with an event there was a very very wealthy Sephardic businessman who sitting next to me over there and he had one just put one of the flip phones and he's not a religious guy and I asked him you know mister so-and-so is that is that yours what is that he's like yeah but that's my phone and I'm like but sure Mina as far as I know you have a very successful business and officer weenie needs even as a helicopter take moon from places to place and he says you should know one thing my wife and I don't have all those gadgets that you rabbi zev you know because we realize how harmful is there are families so half of them with felonies tongue and I how do you want a business like this since don't worry about it I have a computer I have a laptop I got check my emails I got the transactions but my house will never see that phone because I want to have quality time with my wife and kids half time in fact similar to what you're saying about Steve Jobs so obviously it could be done they've been done by these quote-unquote great people in the industry come back home it could be done by simple people like us but the key is to have boundaries and those boundaries are gonna be kept to the team is a legitimate right jeff lee seems like the parents need to keep their boundaries as well okay dr. Blumenthal if Steve Jobs the late Steve Jobs and other tech industry parents do not allow their kids on technology what are we doing why would we let our kids on technology thank you I should run by your story of mind you the story I heard presenting in Chicago it's very topic and the rabbi told me something he actually witnessed on a Thursday morning a gap I wanted to give somebody hype up but the guy was on his phone was texting on his phone so the gap I took out his phone and texted them pipe but for real they said yeah so we have a new way of calling people up the dattara down Tommy yeah mode a few comments and I think that we might want to just come and maybe heart attack a little bit a lot does a lot of ominous talk about teenagers and if they don't set the rules before their teens once the teenagers are out of control there's something very interesting that we know that in both research and I know my own clinical practice teenagers also want to please defense chanting they're just also one of this with the best now you don't necessarily discipline them or set those long as the same way you would with a younger child you don't you know have this kind of same kind of any consequences but if you let's even say your child is one of these jeans is a lot of in trauma may not listen together and you should never say I'm different up in saying anything because the research shows even then if you say something to the child even if you don't attach any consequences but if you say I don't know rule of this I don't approve of this game you're going on to the extent to which you're using the devices without even let's say well shutting it down or punishing or taking it away from them and they're gonna roll they're always I'm gonna say you're so old-fashioned this isn't I was raising kids they told me it wasn't good the sixties but you know isn't the 90s or something like that they're you're hearing you in the listened to you so let us not be so intimidated one of the things that's happened because of that house do getting scared that children and we should not be scared of it but we have to discipline them like Berkeley let me I want to mention that he's got me they're not what was said about Steve Jobs I'm gonna suggest the key for that you said you did that study a few years ago in the cut across high school I think we did the study that a would-be middle school I agree you have to understand that this is changing with such rapidity that I see a study from 2015 about social media the Internet I either ignore or whatever they find I just naturally up the numbers if you will because it's changing with such rapidity and I think also I don't know how long Steve Jobs is no longer with us I wasn't that is Lavanya but you know I'm wondering how realistic that would be today because more and more so it's becoming normative and more impulsive becoming essential part of living and maybe so for children as well as it's very more and more becoming part of our education did I hear everything you can teach children in the morning vidual away many schools today have parts of the day for the children are not in class or but each on a computer working at his level so I my values which I think has been reflected already more than we have to Nick say no sometimes we do have to shut it down and that's what a lot of these apps do but more importantly to teach them how to have it and be in control of it I think that's a more important part of our recovery like okay so you're sticking with the teach them how to be in control of it scenario okay five very good does she toss up okay next question now this question reminds me this actually happened to me so I'm gonna just quickly say how my father dealt with it I was so happy did that later on and then I want to see how we're gonna give this like a rat like a quick round I think that's called lightning round two all the panel's I woke up in the middle of the night and found my twelve-year-old son using the tablet what what would you do in this situation okay so I similar thing happened with wha when I was around 12 13 years old I have I believe was a Commodore 64 but don't quote me on that one of those if anyone remembers it was so and my father woke up the real night and the my father like literally like that you know non not an aggressive doesn't get so angry he's saw me on the computer he smashed the computer yeah so that's how he dealt with it and I would I would say if I just asked my question myself that question I would a million percent through that as well and so that's my answer and I'm sure some of the doctors has them to say about that and let's talk to rabbit what do you do you see your 12 year old on whatever the computer is not doing anything sure how special him but he said he's playing a video game or whatever at in the middle of the night when he's supposed to be somewhere that says cassette shift oh so never know that's right hold the stick then you hate your child and if someone will be asked what kind of stick are we talking about should be a metal stick what did this take a plastic stick what stick are we talking about what should you use so he says every generation has a different stick and in our generation it's more the lollipop stick you guys take things in the software approach but that being said I I believe that we're living in a generation that's so complicated so tough and so difficult that son times if you react by smashing the computer or being the kid upside the cello right it's happiness hit up just maybe beat you up a good fight but but it might backfire in the year 2019 20 because I'm I said the kids are very sensitive and there's so many different outlets and there's so many other things that they get this home eventually do and make sure they hide it even better we have to try to have an open line of communication let them know that we're not happy with what just happened and why you're up at 2:00 in the morning doing this but you gotta have a talk a father-to-son talk and see what's going on you know you know what why do we what are you trying to do yeah you get you gotta have the communication with him in fact when you that T what happens is anytime god forbid a child does something that's wrong if you react aggressively then they'll be too scared to tell you there's something wrong they'll be too scared to tell you that someone approached them in school and said this event show this to them or wanting to go here or go there because you don't know how to react properly right if your father is able to react or mother's able to react by conversing with them saying listen I know you have this challenge what could we do together let me help you out then you know what tomorrow when you have another challenge we'll say you know what my dad gave me good advice last time let me sit down with him again grass if the reaction is more aggressive that'll be too secure to approach you in the first place and tell you the answers challenges popping up there I actually always encourage and I have to work in this myself as well for a father and mother to have you know serious talks with their kids were there four or five years old know what's happening at school who was fighting was happening on the bus what's happening here oh I bet you won't believe what happened today just given that this kid was screaming and he was cursing and the more we got outside of it get him to talk to you and hear the math say oh it's so terrible he did this you did that what happens is were there five when there's six in there seven eight nine ten - talking to you now what happens in with the fifteen sixteen they have some serious issues they're ready no I've been talking to this guy for the past ten years they're gonna custom to talk with you and opening up to you so definitely you have to have a new daddy an approach obviously every kid like like I mentioned before if you don't have one size fits all every situation has to be different but I think that also reacting with anger and and an aggression might actually backfire better off to think it over and find a nice time to talk talk it over with the child and see what's going on and see if it comes in solution okay okay okay interesting I would actually have a conversation after I smashed the computer okay next to Rabbi so just slide the answer that I was a very similar idea I think the most important thing in my opinion as a parent is to be one of the first five people that your child talks to okay if you can be one of the top five people that your child talks to when something's going on hopefully even the first in many situations you're in good shape and I really really believe that that relationship is so crucial and very often it's in those trying moments that the children will see when the teenagers will see whether they can share with you and I and if you are by cable gave an example we saw the child on the computer and doing something just they should be sleeping this time but what if you found them on the computers and it's something that they're not supposed to be there watching something or look at the end of a pornographic or some of the images that are really forbidden in the room for them to see for sure silent so how do you do how do you deal with that situation is what stick and I'll share with you something I've heard from wherever Yahoo par was a friend of mine our families and he said that that back in Europe there was a there were a lot of the younger generation of different strata in history were sort of relative going away from the Torah path and who says I see - a madman came to his Rebbe and he said read me my son is crazy he's dancing with shiksas and he's eating cousin and the Rebbe puts his hand around his shoulder and he says to him he goes your son is not crazy he said if it was dancing with eating districts this he'd be critical he said he said your son is misguided he needs his guidance he needs to know what's right what's wrong you have to help and I think that so much happens at that moment when you when you see the child doing something wrong in being able to create that trust with it with the child that next time you'll be the one that they speak to and very often it's about not making them feel like they're bad but rather looking at the situation judging the behavior explaining that it is normal but not healthy and I really believe with that relationship whiskey like really to feed off of what everyone else is saying that you really don't want that to be your first discussion with a kid where you catch them in the middle of the night doing something that probably should it be doing you don't want that to be the first you want that to be a conversation that they already know your values you already know what matters to you and this way you could continue the conversation I just want to beat off her ivory Ruttenberg was saying we ran a study on some of the more extreme behaviors on line with boys and girls and looking at pornography and things like that and we wanted to see what what the kids were doing and what the parents thought the kids were doing and what we discovered is that there was a real there was a large divide between what the kids were doing and what the parents actually believed them to do and what I took from that was that that meant that those kids were those parents never had a conversation with one another about some of the more challenging behaviors that take place online and what that means is that a kid when he's engaged he or she is engaged in certain behaviors that the most important people in their lives that they could communicate with that could guide them and give them perspective are not really being there we ran one study and we asked the parents do you think your children deliberately access or nog Rafi online and then we asked the kids do you deliver the access pornography online and the boys is losing seniors in high school the boys were above 90% and the girls were above 60% and the seniors and again we probably had to those numbers with looking years ago and then we asked the parents do you think your kids are doing this and for the boys there was like twenty percent of the parents thought they were and for the girls was even lower than that and what that demonstrated to me is that these kids never had a conversation with their parents about something that is very natural to develop there was no adult in the room and we want to be the adults in the room we want to be the ones that our kids could turn to and have a conversation with that's really hard to have it's really challenging but then they know that the adults could handle such things and they're better off as a result so two stories come to mind with its personal in terms of smashing the computer I have a friend who ISM avid tennis player he found that he had a match against someone if you know tennis you you have to win by two oh it's cold but if tough to kind of point basically to ins and they were back and forth 0s you know they kept this one one that he one and this one one that this one went on and on and finally he lost and he took his fairly expensive tennis racquet because he is an avid tennis player and he smashed on the ground I'm broken you know the concept why did you break why'd you bring the tennis racquet he said it's cheaper than therapy and so I guess it is cheaper than the break computer though in therapy a story by the way a beautiful story I think it made walk to and it talks to discipline each other in general the story heard from another friend of mine is from very sheepish community then type of community where they don't with team they go to ball games I mean I took my kids to ball games but in this between the natives out and I don't wanna say Pacific because I don't love the parties want to know who they are but they are very close to a very flush in Russia sheep of well-known Russia Shiva one time when his son was a teenager the he asked his father if he because opportunity to go to the Yankee game couldn't he go to the Yankee game at home like say so let's ask Ross Eva so they're standing on line Friday night let's say Charlie come to Russia Shiva he says the Russia Shiva I have an opportunity to go to a Yankee can't go he had to get this whole notion Shiva septum how would you feel he saw me at a Yankee game and he started laughing and he said what's funny he said you're Russian no sheshe versa so are you I'm not shy I think there are ways to make someone feel important and still seven I miss I always tell parents what a shame you kids misbehave because when they misbehave because opportunity to teach them children from very abusive homes who are afraid in this behave never learn how to control themselves but they never have opportunity to miss bag so when you catch a kid to go home late in the game and to catch he hit to him something wrong first of all be very grateful question that you did is now's an opportunity to educate them and do it in a fashion that doesn't degrade them but makes them feel good about themselves beautiful thank you for your answers and I would appreciate mine okay next this question is really it for me like hits a sore point it's very it's almost like heartbreaking so if a parent you know really wants to monitor their kids sick technology especially when they're younger like before they even get into high school and they didn't you know they have their own filters on and they don't even wash technology so much themselves so now but the child is made fun of in school for now having a smartphone but rather he has one of these kosher phones what should the parents do if the kids being made fun of in school is coming back he's saying I'm the only one in the whole school without us without the smartphone and I like he really means a lot of times by the way when kids said everyone when kids say people are doing this that means one or two people in their class people means one or two everyone's doing it means up to ten okay everyone's not doing anything right said that but here in this situation you know that everyone in the school come on everyone in school has a smartphone and you're setting your kid there trying to be a good parent trying to put the right filters on everything else with one of these with one of these dumb phones as we like to call them in my house and the kids getting made fun of what should you do as a parent let's start with the man with the most soothing voice dr. problem to be honest I'm not sure we'll do like this answer but if you send your kid to a school where everyone has a smartphone and your kid doesn't you should buy them that's my personal belief it's a bias of mine you shouldn't send your kid into a situation where they stand out as being one who can't join the rest and if you really have a belief that my kids shouldn't have a smartphone consider sending them to a different school but you don't send the kid into an environment where they're destined to fail so really explore that environment that no one advanced what takes place there and make sure you're comfortable with it but in this instance to answer the question I buy the kid a smartphone and and educate them like we've been speaking about all night okay that mayor what would you do in the situation I'm sure you've heard these type of questions before the truth is going along lines of what he was saying maybe I wouldn't give him a smartphone I'll change the school at least I got to my value system if I found my value system the game is the smartphone exactly you can't put your child in the situation but everyone has dropped a plutonium you can't have the chocolate right you know here's here's a bread with with stale bread and you can't do that to him so you gotta you gotta understand that your child's a human being you're putting him into school everyone has it and that's the parent value that's a student body and you got to be fair to that child and let him let them survive in that environment and if you feel at that environment that the right environment for him tanea then maybe maybe that schools at the option for your family and maybe you should find a different school for for this circumstance okay excellent and panorama route Bert so let's take the case where maybe half the class hasn't half dozen because that you know or or the the cool kids but your son considers himself one of the cool kids all happen but most of the class doesn't matter and here's where it gets a lot right here because it's not necessarily the wrong school for your kid but you may have a value that says your child shouldn't have to this phone and I don't know what the right answer is but I do believe that if you have the right of relationship with your kids like we all know in relationships like a piggy bank right so if you have that relationship and the kid knows that you respect them and that you you have given that child opportunities to do things within reason that you use that so let's say for example child wants it wants to watch a movie and you look into the movie in you say okay this is okay for this child to watch and the child doesn't feel restricted because I think that's a crucial crucial point if your child is going to feel restricted they will try to break away from it and if we don't think they're breaking away from it very often they're breaking away from it I would almost say that if you're not getting into battles with your kids about technology and you have a restrictive approach chances are they found the way out around you and that's why you don't know what they're doing okay one of my sons told me that in a dollar store he goes to school in Cherry Hill New Jersey and a dollar store in their bike you can buy a smartphone for nine dollars okay a smartphone for nine dollars you take it why fighting it and you go to any Wi-Fi place and that's how to watch whatever they want if you don't have that communication like we said before you're new so there is going to be tension within this area dr. Roman said before it's going to be tension and and and I think that if you have that communication with the child and you say I really care about you and I really want the best for you I think it really goes goes a long way and I'll tell you something which is even a little bit more complicated than the question in the class what if you have multiple children which there are many of us have and for whatever reason you decided that the seventeen-year-old should have a self a cell phone when they were in ninth grade you made that decision and maybe you regretted it a year later and now when the next kid is in ninth grade you really don't want that kid to have a cell phone and what you do like that's you know and again I'm gonna stick with the same the same answer that you lovingly have a conversation about it sometimes it helps to like push off the conversation you know this is a great topic let's discuss it next week let's discuss it again like it you know when you come back when you see the next time with such a group or topic we have to think about it more but I think that realizing this is a very very important topic but at the same time you know how to deal with it [Music] okay we have another couples question so it has been known by rabbis therapists and social workers everywhere that the top two reasons why that causes marital strife is in laws and money okay has technology made it into that group as far as you know let's start with dr. Blumenthal can we say that now it's not just the mother in law and finances okay interesting about finances is that finances are known to be reasons for marital strife another white clustered divorces likely because if you're having money problems you can't afford a divorce that's not really that's an interesting thing about the other thing that we have to keep in mind as well is in some areas the Orthodox Jewish community is very different than the general community especially in areas of marriage because our do you do talk with not on with such people as well yes I do probably there is definitely and I've surveyed this informally not formally but a fact that you can have a present on this at a major convention the main cause for the interesting thing is that in the secular community the the rates of divorce are very low for early marriages now many people are getting married it's basically a definite metric for divorce but but there's a very low rate those young people are getting married have very low rates of divorce in the Orthodox Jewish community is one of the highest places that is in the first year or two of mayority of feeling not that most marriages but it's still a small percentage but but it is a very high percentage of divorces and most of those divorces are as a result of some sort of eric sexual issue of sexual dysfunction a large percentage of which are can be linked to pornography addictions as ever that have been read online so you know i visit mothers and laws and money and etc i think it's safe to say but I would we have today which was that we've been focusing on this that the hot that relatively again very high rate of early divorced mothers in the first year - of marriage in the other less confusion unity about the most common recourse is some sort of sexual dysfunction second most common cause is some disguised or hidden mental illness but didn't come out but later and both when she speaks volumes in terms of consequences okay so you feel it's up to dr. Pearlman I absolutely agree when it comes to I don't work so much with couples but I've read of data and when it comes to certainly the firm community I do I do see those cases they come my way when it comes to sexual dysfunction and speaking with other couples therapist they keep reporting one after the next that the number one cause on their end is some form of sexual dysfunction and you can't ignore the fact that and that's linked to technology the well yeah the early access the pathway to some form of sexual dysfunction almost always begins with early use of pornography and trauma which we don't want to forget about this right right but it's technology something that you feel causes couples strife from the couples you meet with I don't think it causes strife I mean it definitely causes some stripes but I think it what I see very often with what I do do couples work is that they use technology as a sort of escape escape from dealing with their issues so what happens is you'll have a couple that they're they're really not getting along they're upset with each other but they they won't even fight though just like one spouse will get into this custom of going upstairs and going that Facebook other spots will go to sleep early and they'll use technology as really as an escape from from facing their real problems and then what happens if the problems just bigger and bigger and bigger and and that that's where I would what it would say you know their technology I think probably does does trouble EB even the in-laws and I personally believe we actually have a panel like this every year Shawna Baez panel and I personally have a belief that in-laws rarely are the cause of the problems okay so they usually there's another core problem and then the in-law sort of like they make it work exacerbate the problem but it's not really there to call it the cause of the problem I think technology as well in the certain sense it's not really necessarily the cause of the problems but kin can be the you know used as an escape from not dealing with the problem so picture a couple in 1975 and 1995 before they had smartphones and they're not communicating with each other so it would be obvious that there's a problem but when you live in a society where nobody communicates with anyone else so may not be may be there the problem maybe it's just it's just normal so I wouldn't just say one suggestion about how to deal with this I think that I always try to see the positive in every situation so I think that sort of like with dr. Blumenthal said about keeping the phone on and not looking at it I think that today we have an opportunity to use our cell phone addiction so to speak as a way of by limiting the cell phone addiction we're showing our spouse how important they are to us and we're actually even just a small amount like if your spouse is used to you looking at your phone all the time when you speak there and you go and you go 15 minutes a night without looking at your phone that's gonna feel like gold to your spouse and I think this is an important idea in relationships in general you know that it's not about the quantity it's about the effort it's about the quality and the effort that's more important and I think that this is sort of a healthy positive approach to deal with this is that if you know you have a problem chances are your spouse knows you have a problem they probably do you have a problem for you do you have a problem and if you can even take a small effort and I really mean small like like 10 minutes 15 minutes a night and then build it up from there you really can make a difference okay yeah then time it seems like it's early because I think the time change or something I know like shall we started it was it was like it was 4:00 p.m. it's like she's time for showers yeah this is a rough week but the tide is if you can believe it actually getting late and so we're gonna have our last question / piece of advice from the panel and the moderator and the question is what is your best practice piece of advice for limiting technological use at home whether it's for couples or for children or whatever so I say one of the things that we've been successful with in our house and like we've given over to a lot of our the couples that we work with as well it's something called a one-week fast FAS T but like it's over like a fast from something for a week so for example if someone feels like the other spouse is on Facebook too much or on the phone too much or or whatever it is just say you won't you know what take a 1 B 1 week fast from it and see how you survive usually heaven love this to tell about it and it really improves the relationship so that's my best practices take a one-week fast from any technology that you think is getting in the way of you having the life that you want rabbie I'd bigger of best practices for limiting technology besides smashing I have a good friend of mine Danny Godiva sitting your at the audience he actually runs cos øx after-school programs for for children and recently he made a different paint night for ladies and I want to share a very small point I shared with the ladies that night you know collision boho isn't that a human being we make mistakes we could paint week mistakes we drive really began to accidentally make mistakes in life but God can't make mistakes Hashem is perfect and so tell me Pablo so how is that before when he created man and woman the first you know creation of a couple in history they were created as the one and then he decided to separate them and make him to two separate human beings but he regretted his original creation I'm having them one and he made him separately afterwards sorry I saw a beautiful article on this on this onion grab agree like from from ish Papa brought down that he wants interviewed two girls I believe it like 13 to 14 years old there were Siamese twins and Shari Schmo you know the doctor said he couldn't get separated it was too much of a risk so that delivering is for the rest of their lives and he he asked them do they were asked like what are the benefits and what about the negatives of being interested situations the job such as lifestyle so he said this in the negatives were always to get and the positive is always together we're never alone never lonely no question we always have company but the negative is that you know when she wants to go to sleep at I want to play ball nothing we could do about it she wants to go here I want to go there she wants this I want that it's a major problem so you ask them so what are you would you do what would you solution for this problem say this is micaceous there's you know to compromise that one time we do what she wants what time we do all I want and you learn to live with it you know this is our form of communication understanding with whatever you know situation our simplest in this world so the reason why I should create us back to back as one originally and then separated us is to tell us that we should have this mindset of you know your your Siamese twins you and your wife you really won it would be too difficult to live like this have separated us but that should be your mindset there when you want to go here she wants to go there you got to find the way to compromise you guys want to do this but she doesn't like it you gotta find a way to come from he's got to find a way to get to some common ground so if there's one way of making at econo in your home with technology it's not communicating issues and maloca through a phone you know you you you know one of the biggest problems is that you get angry at her or she gets angry view and during the day time you're at work and you're texting him and you're texting her and she's texting and you many times you don't really know what they mean was that an aggressive statement was it being soft maybe even come at the rate should come out so what technology can make one thing I do want to do is Hashem created a certain fashion communicate talk to each other trying to work things out not via technology but via direct confrontation and and discussions over a cup of coffee or a cup of tea whatever maybe that should be something everyone should really implement in the homes because if it's done through the phone many times it does not lead to the proper anything that you want okay sure no no text fights I like that I like that okay first of all want to give a special guest recycled to everyone who came out tonight as dr. Perlman mentioned to me beginning of the evening he said this is a topic that's very hard to get people to come ask for because nobody realizes nobody wants to accept that this is their problem so cycle for coming out and listening and hearing and I benefit definitely great for getting back to Blumenthal Pro manure barbecue I just end with saying that you know we embrace the fact that this is a very very challenging topic and it's something we have to work on ourself I just when I think about it wouldn't touch on us tonight but using our cell phones when we drive right and how many of us have found ourselves in situations where we get so close you have to get into an accident bike but looking at our phone even doing something that maybe is not officially illegal you know because we a lot of the phones now have this like screens like the smart card screens and like like yours text message to show up on the screen like who thought of that like what was that what was the process on that but so so this all this is all this distraction and then we have our kids starting to drive and then our kids are going to watch our behavior and how does that interact and how does that affect them so so I really believe that if we can you know try to set limits to these things if we can try to try to you know let's say not turn on your phone till 9:30 in the morning you know not the first thing you do in the day to turn on your phone or go to show first before you have your phone on or set it set limits and then try to to be a good role model for our kids I think that's that's that's a great step in in the right direction it's the student Devine I mentioned to me that he 18 works in a bank and um one of his one of his clients is very very wealthy person he was reaching out to him during I think it was like a surge to Mathura and it was about 10:30 and it was a spark man who told the student of mine and he said he said I don't think myself old to show and I've said for the last 20 years I'm taking myself off the show and he was in the shoulder have a very long sleep loss and he said that he manages apartments and he said that 20 years ago he managed two hundred apartments and he would constantly be distracted by a bathtub broke this happened that happened and you could barely ever Dobbin but then he come up and then he made a decision he made agreement with Hashem he's not going to take his for additional he said at this point he owns I think something like twenty thousand apartment he's very very successful they said whatever problems happened usually is resolved or something else be able to fix the problem and I think like the dr. moment both said a lot of the things that we feel that urgency to go to our phones very often we realized once we get to it it's not really so urgent I heard some very good advice once from dr. dr. puppets and his advice was he said whenever you get a text message tried not to respond if I remember correctly what he said try not to respond within 10 minutes okay and it's I don't promise that I keep that advice but the concept I think behind this advice was is that then we create an environment where people around us are not expecting that instant response and it trains ourselves to know that we don't have to give an instant response and I think a lot of like the the tension that gets created around the cell phone send like that yeah so the feeling of like I have to respond I need to us by the oldest kind of the kind of stuff you know when somebody you know calls us they don't expect the response immediately but with a text message or what's up again there's a tremendous power to these items but it also also has that effect and lastly I think we have to think about is it a means or is it an end and technology has to be seen as a means not an end we know this is true about money as well it isn't a mean surintendant there dr. Blumenthal mentioned about the Siddarth lugga and purse is a beautiful idea that I recommend to everyone to look at it one of the things he says on the passage comer Famer the DC Department he says that they confuse comer and Taylor they confused the means and the end what was used to be a means now that became an end that used to be the claims in between the stones now the clay became the spokes and he says it metaphorically there's also the content of a means Internet they confused the means for the end and we have to keep in mind that technology has to be used to further our relationships to connect us with each other so the connect us with Hashem doesn't anything but if it becomes the end itself we become the slaves to our cellphones whether they trouble and unfortunately many of us have become in fact the Blumenthal mentioned before that the three elements that bring us to happiness greater sense of satisfaction in our life all of those elements require a lot of work they require us being engaged in our life taking stock and asking ourselves how are we doing today and I think for me the greatest advice I could try to embrace for myself and for all of us is to remain engaged in this topic and one way or another remain engaged and if that means pretty setting a reminder on your phone to say how we doing how am i doing how are we doing as a family how am i doing as a dream of jeannie' how am i doing as a couple and if we could take stock every once in a while because we all know when we're living well and we all know how it feels to live well and it feels to live connected and that's what we're striving for but it all requires work everything that feels good ultimately requires work and this is no different than anything else so to me just take stock and make sure you set up in a way that you're continually going back to ask yourself that same question and hopefully we'll continue to grow in this arena I think when that person is left with very little to add on it at the story they tell about how they look Steve it was a great orator and once went to town community and gave one of his masterful speeches and afterwards the young rabbi Cantonment said in those a beautiful speech I wish I have given it and said you will be honest there's not much more I can add I'm actually my my parting words I'm reminded very much of the line in Alice in Wonderland I've been oh they're not going any road will take you there when you're disappointing children or you're raising children or you're trying to shake them cycling get stop and think ahead what kind of adults do you want them to be and what kind of world will be the world in which they're going to live because the world is changing so rapidly so when you make these decisions that's what my advice to you would be nuts or move the clock ahead picture them five years from now ten years now what is the world they're going to live in and have you want them to what kind of presents you want to have in that world and then you'll know what position to take thank you again [Music]