Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts | Letter #25

Good evening. Welcome to 30 Letters in 30 days. We're on letter number 25. And good news, the booklet has gone to print. Yes, get your very own physical copy that you can hold in your hands and you can even read it on Chabas of 30lets in 30 days. For more information, go to the website 30letters30days.com. All right, tonight's letter. Let's jump right in. Tashes Brooklyn. Uh last night's letter was also same date. The Reb wrote both those letters on the same date. Um and it starts with which means that the Reb is writing to a woman. Okay, let's see. Oh, somebody wrote in the chat, I already ordered it. That's fantastic. You ordered the booklet. That's great. Um, maybe you want to do me a favor and uh put the link that you use to order it. You want to put that in the chat so other people can see it. That'd be cool. And we'll also put it on the WhatsApp. Uh there is a there's a WhatsApp chat for people who are following these classes and uh maybe I'll put it in the YouTube description as well. Okay. base ear in answer to your letter from base ear. It's interesting remember last night's letter the said the same thing in answer to your letter from base ear and then the added. So over here the doesn't add I guess it depends who the is speaking to whether or not he makes that reference. I just I don't know what it means. I just noticed that here the doesn't make that addition. Okay. In your letter you write about thoughts I saw that sometimes disturb you. They started many years ago and you ask my opinion about this. Okay. So we're talking about a real issue that many people face. In fact, I think it would be more accurate to say everybody faces. And the problem is some people don't realize that everybody faces this. And that is what we call intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts. And I use this as the term for the English title for tonight's class. Um, to my knowledge, my limited knowledge, I am not a mental health professional, although people often mistake me for one, but I am not. As far as I understand, intrusive thoughts is not a clinical term. It's not a pathology. It's not a diagnosis. Everybody has intrusive thoughts as far as I understand. Um the problem is that some people don't realize that everyone has intrusive thoughts and they become disturbed by it and troubles them and that can become again according to my layman's opinion or understanding. Um the problem is when somebody is disturbed by it and then they don't want it and they start fighting it and then they get caught in a loop. That is what it sounds like this woman is telling the debt that basically she's been fighting these scary thoughts for years. What are the intrusive thoughts? I can glean from the context of the letter as we continue that it's sort of like catastrophe uh disaster doom and gloom type thinking. And I think it'll be clear to you as well as we read on. [Music] That's a very forcefully worded sentence. It is understood and it is also obvious that it is clear that it is certain like that these thoughts have no substance whatsoever at all. There's a lot of um modifiers. There are a lot of modifiers there just really amplifying this point that this is totally baseless. These thoughts are totally um irrelevant. There's no basis to them whatsoever. V. In other words, she's probably somewhat worried that maybe it's a premonition of something. Uh, I mean, that's what it sounds like from context that some people take their catastrophic citations seriously. And I don't mean that dismissively or to uh to I don't mean to to sound glib, but what happens is rather than realizing this is just the equivalent of a hiccup in your brain and you need to ignore it. Um sometimes people take it very seriously and they think, "Oh no, there's something some ominous foroding and my my brain is trying to tip me off to it." And at any rate, she's taking it seriously and it's really disturbing her. So the Reba says there's no basis to it. These thoughts are are they have no validity. Zero, like none whatsoever. And you certainly also can testify to this. You have witnessed this. you know that these thoughts have absolutely no base and h how do I know that you know what's the proof from the time that the thoughts started meaning she said it's been many years already she's been having the thoughts you have seen Hashem's kindness in your life specifically in the form of his blessings to actually build a Jewish home, a Jewish home based upon a Torah life. This is one of the most foundational things. This is the mainstay and one of the most important things about the life of a Jewish man or woman. So, here's the deal. You've been having these catastrophic thoughts for how long? For many years. Okay. Well, during those years, you've been having catastrophic thoughts, but your life's been going pretty well. So, you're going to tell me, "Oh, now it's really going to happen. Now, the scary stuff that I'm thinking about, now it's really why is it why why is it going to really happen?" Now we already have we've already established a pattern that for years already you're having catastrophic thoughts but for years already your life's going well at the same time. So what does that show us? That these thoughts have no basis. That's it. Nothing nothing bad is happening. There's no basis to this. Nothing bad is happening. To the contrary, you've been having a good life and you're going to continue having a good life. All right. So that's first of all, but now that EB is going to give her, I guess, some tools for dealing with it. I guess you would maybe describe the first part of the letter as the Reba making a logical point, a point based on on logical reasoning. You think that the thoughts mean that something bad's going to happen, but you've been having the thoughts for a long time and good things have been happening. So, logically, we see that thoughts really have no correlation to what actually happens in your life. Okay. But as far as practical tools, um what can you do about it? What can you do about it? Someone's writing in the chat, are these worries or more? Um, I'm picking up from context that they are, you know, call it worries, call it dread, call it, um, catastrophic thinking. I'm also thinking that maybe maybe I can't tell for sure that is connected with her personal life or her family life. And so, specifically the area that she's worried about that EBA is pointing out to her that actually she's been blessed. Um, so that's it. And and someone's writing in the chat more questions. I don't know if they were like visualizations or anything like that. You know, different people think differently. Some people don't even picture things in their brain. Some people only have a narrator voice in their brain. Some some people are the opposite. They they don't have that internal voice. It's I I don't think that's really relevant what forms the thoughts take. The point is they're scary thoughts. And the deba first makes a logical argument which is it's been years that you're having the scary thoughts but your life is going well. So there you see how uh how much the thoughts are baseless. All right. Practical tools. When it comes to things that have to do with thought, thought is a funny part of life. It's it's so slippery. Thought is so slippery. You know, action action is a lot easier to get a handle on quite literally. It's it's tangible and it's easier to not do something. It takes uh it takes more effort to not think something and and how do you successfully not think something because your mind is constantly thinking. So it's it is more challenging. So what's the solution when you're dealing with when you're dealing with thought the very first piece of advice it's interesting that calls it first for meaning there may be other tools as well but the very first one the biggest one he has is a word that we've had earlier um do you remember the letter to the young man who had guilt about some indiscretions about some inappropriate behavior that he was uh that he indulged in and he was feeling guilt about it and the told him has um I haven't read every letter in but it seems to me anytime that mentions it is speaking about one of these two scenarios either like the previous letter I don't mean previous like literally the last one that we read but um here maybe I'll pull it up and I'll let you know what that letter was called um the one with the young man who was distraught about his guilt um cha with joy letter number three. Was that the one? Jewel with joy. No, no, no, no. It was the next one. It was letter number four. Overcoming fears. No. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll just read all of them. Um, that wasn't it. Oh, here it is. Now, now, now I'm sure this is it. It was letter number 13 on a Thursday night double header. Overcoming feelings of failure and guilt. Yeah, that's the one. It was overcoming feelings of failure and guilt. So in that letter, letter number 13. So in that letter the told him meaning regarding the guilt part. Um so what I was saying I I can't vouch for every letter in but it from what I've seen whenever the ter uses the termas he's writing to someone who's dealing with one of these two two issues. either it's um a person who's grappling with uh sins or temptation to sin in a intimate nature anything having to do with uh those uh those types of desires. So that's where will use the termas or like in this letter where somebody is grappling with doom and gloom where they are scaring themselves with uh with scary thoughts. So it's interesting like the said do you remember that letter letter number uh 13b said over there don't fight it don't grapple with it just let it go that's what means similarly the says over here the exact same thing or effectively the exact same thing um let let let's read on So is the solution that does not mean to fight with the undesirable thought but rather to think about something else. In other words, when this thought comes to mind, some scary foroding ominous thought, don't try to say to yourself, "Oh, no, that's not true." No, it's not going to happen. Don't dignify it with a response because the way that these these uh disturbing thoughts work is if you engage them in any way, they just pull you in deeper. It's like quicksand. The more you struggle, the the faster you slide in. So the deba says, "Do not fight these thoughts. Don't respond to these thoughts. Rather, just move on to something else. Think about something else without engaging the negative thought at all. And the Reb says, instead of the scary thought. Uh it would be nice if it were a Jewish thought. That would be great if you could do that. I mean, I guess you could count sheep if you want to, but uh why not think about something Jewish? That would be even better. Then a little bit of light pushes off much dark. A little light pushes off much dark. talking about the light of not like you write to me that you try to overcome the thought. Don't do that anymore. Cut that out. Fighting it is the opposite of it's the opposite of averting your mind. So don't do that anymore. She writes that she's been struggling with it and the deba is telling her, "Yeah, yeah, that's that's exactly what I'm telling you not to do." You remember those Chinese finger traps when you're kids, the little straw basket, the woven little basket, and you put your finger inside on each end and then you try to pull your finger out and it gets tighter and you can't pull your finger out, right? So that's like these thoughts is the more you pull the tighter they grab hold of you. And then the solution of course is that you just relax and then you can slip your finger right back out. Right? So just relax, move on to something else. Don't fight. And uh ideally move on to a Torah thought and then then it'll be even more powerful. Okay. by law. The Reb would often give this advice for many issues in life. It's appropriate to check the muzas in your home as well as your husband's fillin if he hasn't checked them if they haven't been checked in the past 12 months. also you should keep the good custom of Jewish women before candle lighting. Also in the morning uh on the weekdays before you dive in whatever you say uh you should give a little obviously this all has to be without a vow. Okay. It's also self understood and obvious that habituating yourself to think about the subject of trust in Hashem. Hashem who is the creator and the director of the world. that thought that you're having has to be separate from the negative thoughts without any connection to the negative thoughts. I'll explain what that means in a second because after all, you're supposed to avert your mind from those negative thoughts. rather you're thinking about because that's just what Jewish people think about and that's going to add to the blessings of Hashem in everything success and everything that you need. Okay, let's unpack this a little bit. When you're thinking about there there are two levels that I think you can understand this paragraph on. Okay. First of all, when you think about your trust in Hashem, Hashem's so good. Hashem's so reliable. Hashem knows what's best for me. Let go. Let God. Hashem is going to take care of me. Okay. When you're thinking about that, don't do that in a way where it's a response to the catastrophizing thoughts because you're you're supposed to not think about the catastrophizing thoughts. So, by thinking about the in in a way where it's like a response to your your scary thoughts, then you're actually not averting your mind from them. you're actually thinking about them even indirectly. So that's one level. But there's another level I think that you can take from this paragraph and that's where the Reb is saying that when you think about you should think this way because this is the way a Jew is supposed to think, right? What are the words that the Reb uses that uh this is the way that a traditional or observant Jew thinks. This is just the way this is just the way a Jew is supposed to think. Okay? In other words, this is a little bit deeper level, but don't use this beautiful concept of beten as a don't denigrate it. Don't use it as your um emergency response to your problem. and hem shouldn't be viewed as uh as something you're using because you have problems. In other words, and if you wouldn't have these problems, what? You wouldn't think about if you wouldn't have these problems, you would still think about. Why? Because this just how a Jew thinks. So, don't turn it into uh don't don't cheapen it that it's a it's sort of a troubleshooting type of thing where it's it's only being used because I have to because I have these problems. So, unfortunately, I'm going to have to use that's that's what I have to do. No, bet is a beautiful thing and it's worthy in and of itself of being something that a Jew thinks about all day long, not as a response to any problem. So the Reb is basically telling her that the hess isn't just a practical thing. It's also in principle. In principle, I don't want your to be your substitute for your problem. I want pakan just to be the way you view life because that's the way a Jew is supposed to view life. You get what I'm saying? You understand the the point? I think it's a little bit of an adal point, a little bit of a subtle point, but yeah. Okay. seminar. You mention that when you graduated seminary, now I don't know how old this woman is, but the Reb said that you've been having these uh catastrophic thoughts for years. And during those years, you managed to build a Jewish home founded upon Tyra. So, I know she's been married for a few years. So, I I don't think she's fresh out of seminary anymore. And maybe she's been married for many years. For whatever reason, she mentioned in her letter to the Reba that when she first got out of seminary, presumably I presumably she's talking about when she was still single, that she was working in education. She was a teacher. And now she's been married for a number of years. So the Reba says, "You mentioned that you used to be a teacher, right, when you came out of seminary. I hope that you'll use your talents in this area now. If you don't have time for a full-time job or even a regular part-time job, and then at least I hope that from time to time I don't know maybe like be a substitute or something when they need a substitute you come in but at least from time to time that you'll be involved in education um Jewish education and especially with the youth because that is the all of the hour. That is what is really urgently needed. um the deba doesn't say that there's any connection between in the previous paragraphs could be that there isn't a connection but I do think it's interesting you know everything is on some level it's connected that that is telling her that he starts in the beginning missing these negative thoughts have no basis the proof is you've been having negative thoughts for a long time I mean, your life's been going well for a long time. Okay. Then the tells her what to do about it. Don't think about it. Don't fight it. Don't try to resist it. Just think about something else. Preferably a Torah thought. Um, I'm getting an error. I don't know why I'm getting an error in my my live stream. Okay. Hopefully this is coming through. We'll deal with it later. I'm going to finish up here. And then the Reba finishes off by saying that you should get involved in teaching. again again I don't I'm not sure that this is really connected but it seems to me that there could be a connection which is you know remember that Ebis said what letter was it that we read about the importance of using your talents um which letter was it talked about the need to use your talents that you need to use one's talents and influence letter number five so remember I think over there that Eba said that if you misuse a talent and use it for something negative. We all understand how how damaging that is. But some people think mistakenly that if you don't use a talent, you just neglect to use it, then that's neutral. That's nothing. And the devil says actually it's not true. If you have a talent that you could be using and you don't use it, it causes dysfunction. It causes a disruption in the world and god forbid, you know, also in oneself. So, I don't know if this is what the deb is saying here, but certainly it makes sense based on other things we know. The deba told people that if you have an ability and you're not using it, you know, it can cause it can cause issues. So, the is encouraging her to get busy using her talents with blessings for good news. You should give me good news in all of the above disgust. And uh I'm getting error messages on the live stream. So we're going to wrap up and we will see you tomorrow night.