Days of Love or Days of Trauma? - Rabbi Jacobson with Fresh Start

Good morning. Okay, good evening everybody. Welcome. I guess we'll be starting momentarily. Thank you. Fresh start. Thank you for everybody joining us this evening. Days of love or days of dread and trauma. That's our question this evening. I think everybody can be very open. >> We'll give it another minute or two. Rabbi W. >> Yeah. Yeah. Take your time. I'm just welcoming everybody and uh we'll start at another minute or two >> and thank you for the opportunity and this letting people know. >> Let everybody feel free to ask anything that's on your mind and your heart. The point of this discussion is for it to be authentic and genuine. It's interesting. you know, some I got an email the other day from a yeshiva boy in in Israel and he had some very emotionally tough questions and when he got them out of his system he writes in parentheses he says now I really feel like a heretic so how many people are scared to ask their questions you know they don't want to be called by a negative name and it just sits it sits and it fosters it it it simmers it fers resentment so please be open and honest. >> We are We are definitely going to take you up on that. >> If we can all be honest, >> heretic would be an upgrade. >> Yeah. >> You know that was right. >> Okay. >> Okay. So, welcome everybody to another fresh start alumni webinar. We have the of having Rabbi Y Jacobson with us. Rabbi Ywy, this is your Kazaka. It's your third time that you're doing an Arab yam Kipper uh alumni webinar with us. So, uh that's it. From now on, it's official. Just book us in your calendar for the next 10 uh 10 20 years of Hashem. Um, just a quick reminder, this is being livereamed to Reb Ywy's um, channel. However, there's no video, so they can't see anybody. Um, I do believe that there is audio, so they might be able to hear you. But of course, if anybody has questions, you can text myself, you can text Tova, you could send it in the private um, uh, meeting chat. Okay. >> Yeah, the video the video that the public sees is only my face. Nobody else's face >> and uh even the audio is low. So you could feel free and I'll repeat the questions >> right >> so that the other people here. So everybody feel free to or you could write your questions. >> Yeah. So with that why don't you uh take it from the top and um >> get us into the mood. Okay questions will flow from there. >> So I want to welcome everybody. Thank you Raban my dear friend and fresh start and all of the members who are here all of the alumni those who graduated and we're always doing our work so we never fully graduate in a very positive way is always going from strength to strength all those who have been through the journey and everybody who's joining us here virtually and those who will watch or listen to the replay uh I want to welcome all of you and really thank you for this and the opportunity and the privilege during this beautiful time of the here and I'm calling it beautiful uh intentionally known as muva the 10 days of return or the 10 days of repentance to be able to have a very frank open authentic meaningful heartfelt conversation about what these days mean rashana ll repentance and of course the highlight the crescendo the grand finale called yam kipper it's not a secret we've been through this previous years we I think as you mentioned this is our third year of doing it where a lot of us, many of us feel a lot of negative energy during this time. Um, a lot of guilt, a lot of shame, a lot of dread, a lot of failure, sense of failure and and unmet expectations and it's never good enough and and I'm being judged again. And I would say the range of emotions is very very extreme. It runs quite a wide gamut and spectrum from one extreme to another extreme. But the common denominator is there's just something very unhappy about it. Like many people say, "I'm just miserable. I just don't like it even if I get through it, you know, but there's such a pressure. It's like like yuck." Like it's so it's so intense and the intensity feels so negative to people. And these are very very normal emotions and they're shared not by one and not by two but three but by many. You know exactly what are the reasons and how these emotions and feelings come about. We can give a whole class and many classes on it. you know how all of these experiences emerge but what's very important is that you know one should not feel that you know I am the the crazy insane uh loser who who has these negative emotions when it comes to these days cuz it's quite natural and it's quite common and there are many factors that uh help it and produce it but our deepest I think role and mission is that we have a gift Today we have a gift. We have an opportunity. We can all emerge wiser, deeper, more authentic, more joyous, more blessed in this whole experience. So I want to begin really with two insights, two insights that I want to share and then we go to uh we'll go to the questions which is always the most meaningful. You could share whatever is on your heart authentically and with God's grace I'm going to try to respond and I ask Hashem I should be able to be a conduit and a channel for the infinite truth oneness love and wisdom and redemptive consciousness and healing. Two insights insight number one was for me personally a very meaningful experience and it just happened literally a few hours ago. There is something that I have said over the years. I did not have a source for it, a clear source, but it just from different things that I've read and seen and experienced. It just it resonated for me. It made sense. So I said it I said it with confidence. I said it here at Fresh Start. I said it at other programs and seminars and retreats and I said it in lectures and classes in Shirim. And the truth is probably almost every year before Yim Kipper, I said it for a few years. And today, literally a few hours ago, somebody sent me a copy of a letter that was written that literally said that. So, it was very gratifying. And I want to tell you what it is. Everybody knows that in most we sing the confession. and also by and sometimes people wonder what's this song. Confession is usually something that is very intense. It's very introspective. There's an element of remorse, an element of guilt and shame. Imagine if somebody did something very inappropriate in their marriage. They were dishonest, disloyal. A wife betrays her husband. The husband betrays his wife. Whatever the circumstances are, or another thing that was inappropriate and immoral, and the husband or the wife wants to make a confession, say, "I'm sorry." Imagine the husband comes home and says, "You know, I really needed to speak to you. I have to have a private intimate conversation." And then suddenly he starts singing. We sinned to you. We betrayed you. We stole from you. First of all, who's this we and what are you singing? Either you make a real confession or get out. What I was tra with your music. It's strange. So most people say, "Okay, what's the difference? You know, you have to have a little singing in sh just to distract people. It's a long day. It's a long fast. We don't stop with our shamanus nine times. So we sing it." And there's a story about the BMP, a very famous story. Somebody once told the BMP that when you're cleaning the dirt in the king's palace um there's also a joy which we have also shared in the past but there was something I shared and that is that um there is a music here there is a song here and the reason is and this is where I want to say what happened today somebody sent me a letter the labavb's mother her name was Khanes and actually her yard site is today vish she passed away on the 6th of tish in the year which was 1964 just a few days before Yim it was on Shabas and a few years earlier I think it's 1960 or 61 she sent a donation Rabbit Khanes and the mother of the labba sent a donation to the shul where she would davin 770 Eastern Parkway where her son Davened as well and the gab of the shul at the time his name was Raban and Gordon if you're familiar with the Gordon family the five towns and other places meaningful minute. It's grandfather, great-grandfather. His name was Raban and Gordon. He passed away in ' 69, 1969. He was the Gaba in. So he sends her a receipt for the contribution and he writes her a beautiful, beautiful letter. And one of the things he writes in the letter is it's really just a beautiful letter. But one of the things he says is that there's a tradition by that the said that when we say the confession that's when we focus on the mistakes, errors, transgressions, sins we did and we express remorse and we uh say I'm sorry and we make a resolution for the future. That's what it is. It's already a completely different experience. He quotes in this letter to the says the Talmud says in page 86 says that when you do out of love the sins are transformed into mitzvah and that's why the bash said we sing because it's actually a very joyous experience because every sin became a mitzvah. It's it's transformed into a mitzvah. So of course you're singing. So it's like Why you singing? Because we ran out of you lighting candles. If every sin becomes a mitzvah. So is actually another mitzvah, another mitzvah, another mitzvah. This is what the bash said. I want to apply this to our lives. What does this really mean? What does it mean? Come on. I made mistakes. Where is it a mitzvah? The answer to this, it's written in Tanya chapter 7. Whenever I make a mistake, willingly, unwillingly, I was forced. I did it intentionally. Most cases it was unintentionally, of course, it's a mistake. And of course, I regret it. I said something hurtful. I was dishonest. I was deceptive. I was I cheated. I hurt somebody. Whether it's between a person and a person, whether it's me and my family, whether it's me and Hashem, whether it's me and a friend, whatever it is. and I have to acknowledge the mistake and say I'm sorry. But then something else happens. If that mistake or sin or error or transgression becomes a catalyst and a springboard for growth, for healing, for appreciation, for spiritual maturity, the mistake itself is converted and transformed into a very positive experience because that is what became the catalyst and the springboard which catapulted you into the life you have today. And I want to share this with all of you here because so many of you have been through very, very difficult experiences. There's a reason you went to Fresh Start. It wasn't because you didn't have anything to do for a week and you had nothing to do with your money and you wanted a little vacation. This type of work is not our definition of vacation. It comes because we're dealing with pain, a lot of pain. And sometimes pain that paralyzes us, that stifles us, that shuts down our heart, that destroys our relationships, that makes things so so difficult, just functioning one day above water becomes difficult. And what the bash is teaching us is this that when we manage to realize that ultimately everything we have been through in life if we can harness it towards growth and discovery and I know it's easier said than done then ultimately our pain becomes our greatest spiritual power. I don't want to look at my life and say, "Look how cursed I am. Look what happened to me when I was two or three or six or eight. Yes, it may have been a curse. It may have been devastating. And the pain that you carry and the heartache and the anguish and the suffering and the misery and the anxiety and the melancholy and the depression and the dysfunctionality and the social anxiety and all the emotions that come with it, maybe the addictions, etc., etc. we're not easy and we need to be able to grieve and we need to be able to cry and together with that and it's really not a contradiction. We can also say this is exactly the journey that will make you the person you are meant to become. That will make me that will make us the people we are meant to become. And in that sense, we embrace our life and we're not thankful for suffering and pain, but we're grateful for the fact that through awareness, humility, friendship, support, emotional vulnerability, and deep, deep intimate connection with our truest pain and our deepest soul and Hashem, we can reach unbelievable heights precisely because of that. And then I could say, with a song. That's insight number one. I want to make an I want to say one more insight and that's as follows. This is as follows. This question perturbed me and I asked a mentor of mine. I asked this question today because it was bothering me personally and I really appreciated what this person told me and I want to share it. I wanted to know as follows. How do you distinguish between two types of guilt? One type of guilt is simply emotional dysfunction. It's really based on a template of my own trauma and wounds. And every year before Yam Kipper, it finds every place where it could land and sink me into despair. There's this heaviness that comes before that there's something so wrong about me. How can I show up to God with with with presence and with joy and with peace of mind and with bliss when this is dirty and this is filthy and this is blemished and I have to apologize to this one and this one and I'm guilty for this and this versus a type of guilt. I don't want to call it guilt, but a type of chuva that is that is actually a beautiful thing. It's actually cleaning up things that need cleanliness. How do I know the difference? Because the two could become so confusing. And the person told it to me very briefly. I'm just going to elaborate the way I relate to it myself is it comes completely in a different way. When we have a feeling that we want to do cha, we want to fix something and it's coming from actually our soul, our divine soul, it comes as a gentle invitation. It's almost like you go to your best friend and you say, you know, I'm going on this amazing amazing 3-day trip. Maybe you want to join me. we're going to have the time of our life and then you can either say yes or no. It's a gentle invitation. Your soul says, you know, wow, yum kipper is coming. It would be so beautiful to be able to clean up those last vestigages of spiritual immoral filth that don't allow you to experience the beauty and the depth of your intimacy with yourself and Hashem. But when the message is, "Come, I'm going on a three-day trip. You loser. You idiot. You traitor. You're a schlam mazle. Schlamile. You sick person. Look how sick you are. You better better come with me cuz over there finally you'll get an opportunity to become a half a man. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I don't need these types of journeys. This is not coming from our divine soul. This is coming unfortunately from our trauma. And this is templates that many of us live with. Templates that for whatever reason this became our coping mechanism. They have to inflict on us incessant guilt and shame and dread. Always telling me that deep down I'm evil. I'm a monster. I'm sinister. I'm not good. Whatever I did and you'll know how they'll never focus on all the beautiful things you did. That's how you see it, right? If this is really an honest voice, why don't you also tell me about all the good things that I'm doing? Why don't you compliment me for the people I apologize to? Why don't you give me credit for the nobility that I have for the people I brought goodness to love good? Is it nothing of that exists? I'm only evil. You realize its objective is not to help you become more pure. Its objective is to cut you down and make sure that you show up to Yamiper with dread. This is what we call in good old Yiddish the Yates or in a in a very practical relevant way. It's templates that we operate by that feel that the more guilty we could feel about ourselves, somehow we'll be more safe in this world. And that we need to realize what that is and call it out and say, "Yes, it's part of me. It's a part of me. I need to deal with it. I'm going to confront it. But you know what? I'm not going to give it the steering wheel of my life." So, I want us all to make that distinction constantly. Of course, I want to fix things. Of course, I have to fix things. I want my marriage to be better. I want my relationship to my children, with my children to be better. I want my relationship with myself to be better. I want my relationship with God to be amazing. I want my whatever it is in my life that I want to appear. But is it coming with a gentle invitation? That's how the soul speaks. Look how beautiful you are and look how even more beautiful you can be. And yes, let's fix it together. when it comes just with a sense of how negative and miserable you always must be and there's always something else to fix. You realize that because it's not about fixing. It's about keeping you sinking in the abyss. Keeping you feeling that there is darkness inside of you forever. So it'll always find something else cuz nobody's perfect. And it'll come in such a brilliant way. Yeah, but you insulted this person and this. You know what? come back to me gently. I hope we can all make these distinctions in our life and indeed show up to these days with presence with a real inner feeling that you are amazing. You're incredible. You're carved in the image of Hashem. The Tanya says your soul is a piece of Hashem. That's not a joke. It's not cliche. So, you want to know, you want to focus on your mistakes. Good. But at least 50% of the time, focus on the fact that you're a manifestation of Hashem in this world. And may we all be able to show up with that inner light and to be able to see even our darkness as springboards for so much spiritual and emotional growth. And all of you should be blessed with an amazing amazing year, especially a year of true recovery and true transformation. Thank you. >> Amen. Um, so again, let's open that up for live questions about why. Leia, are you here? Leia. Leia. Leia from Bar Park. It's It'll be the third year in a row. If you are here. >> Yes, I'm here. I'm here. >> Oh, you are here. Okay. You want to ask a question? We have to make a >> It wouldn't be an event if Leia wasn't here. >> Okay. >> I was going to ask anonymously. I don't know. I don't want to take the mic. If somebody else wants, I was going to text it, but >> Go ahead. You could start. >> Okay. If no one else has the courage then I'll start. >> They have the courage but they want to be inspired by your courage. >> Okay. So my question is >> you know Leia God has given you the soul of a leader. So >> thank you. >> Take the ball and run. >> So my question was like this basically um I feel so I got God gave me so much pain and so much trauma. So I feel like I I don't have sins left. Like all my sins were already erased through all my pain and I'm still the ongoing like life is never going to be like any other person walking on the street. That's something I you know made peace with because the trauma you never fully heal from all that stuff you know going 20 years of ongoing and and I'm never going to get that childhood back and you know all that stuff and the dayto-day pain so much always always something. So what happens is I feel like okay I don't have any sins left anymore. So it's hard for me to like ask forgiveness but even more than that when it comes to like sinning. So there are certain things like I can't keep myself back and then I'll just like and then I think to myself okay you can't expect me to be any more than I am. The fact that I have a family and and you know and I'm living daytoday. The fact that I didn't that I'm I'm alive I didn't kill myself. That alone should be good enough. But then then I feel so horrible. Why am I not why am I not afraid of of sinning? And I'm not because I feel like >> beautiful question. Yeah. Beautiful question. >> I feel guilty. But then and then it's not like a mistake instead like you were saying the pain and you know mistakes. >> I don't even feel I do it. I do this. It's not a mistake. I know I'm doing it and I and then I feel bad about it. But then I'm like how could you expect more? But I don't want to be in a place where I shouldn't just sin and and say too bad, you know. >> Yeah, beautiful question. I'm just going to repeat it so everybody can understand and hear the question and respond to item. The question was, you have been through so much pain and so much suffering and so much agony and trauma in your life. It has changed the entire trajectory of your life. You'll never be the same person like the person who did not experience that trauma. and you feel genuinely that you don't have sins anymore because the levels of pain and suffering you have been through really cleansed you completely and atone for all of your sins and as a result of that you feel really you have nothing to ask forgiveness for because you don't have any sins. On the other hand there are things that you do that you still feel are wrong and you do them and you don't apologize for them because you feel that you have that license because of everything you've been through. But then you also feel horribly guilty for like not atoning for these types of sins, but then you feel you shouldn't atone. So it's like this catch 22 where it's stuck between a rock and a horrible. On one hand, you feel sinfree because of so much pain and suffering. And yet on the other hand, you want to atone and then you feel guilty for not atoning, but then you say like, "No, I shouldn't atone." It's like, "It's good enough that I'm alive. It's good enough that I have a family. It's good enough that I'm not shooting people." Right. >> Yeah. >> Did I get it? >> Yeah. And and like you were saying that the pain I do see that the pain brought me in a better place and why it was good for me. I do see all of that. It's not like I'm saying I'm mad about the pain so much. >> When you give someone so much pain, how do you expect? >> Yeah. Very good. >> Perfect. You know, >> it's a beautiful beautiful and a very very sensitive question. Very sensitive question. >> And I'll tell you and we're going to I feel that the only real answer to this question is we must go into a much deeper space. much much deeper space. I'm going to share something as I often share from the alterb theat of the founder of who has a and he brings this theme over and over and over again in his discourses on he really hammers this away and I don't think I ever grasped it as well as I did this year when I learned it. It was so emotional. I really I was learning and I started to cry because it was so so beautiful. It literally addresses this question. And he says the world makes a mistake when they think that shuva is about sins. I did a sin and I'm going to fix it. I did another sin. I'm going to fix it. I'm never going to do it again. If I do it again, I feel guilty. He says that's really the superficial part of truva. He says to where chuva is that essentially I'm using my own words but it's it's the alterba's concept alterba's truth that he reveals he says really chuva is recognizing that the moment we were born there's a very deep trauma our souls are literally infinite but there was a sense of rupture a sense of detachment where we come into a world and we feel alone isolated and we have to survive and that's even in the best families certainly if I went through pain and abuse and dysfunction and everybody has their own you know peeka their own baggage and certainly those of you who went through really heinous stuff as I know some I know some I don't know I can only speculate or imagine so this sense of isolation and loneliness is so much more intensified and he says truva is really letting go of all the definitions and all the blockages that allow us to define ourselves as anything but infinite light of Hashem in this world. So truva is really the deepest experience of bliss when you realize you and Hashem are one actually Hashem is you and you are Hashem because and our souls are the manifestation of Hashem literally in this world in our bodies to bring his light into the world. All of our traumas eclipse that I'm a loser. I'm a weirdo. I'm strange. Nobody likes me. I hate myself. I need to be aggressive. I need to be passive. I have to be a people's pleaser. I'm anxious. I'm overwhelmed. Which all makes sense. And truva is letting go of every definition of self outside of the truest, deepest definition of self, which is literally that you are invincible. You're infinite like Hashem himself. You're literally you're a manifestation of infinite consciousness. He says that's true. And he says that's why trouva is such a gift for sadikim complete sadikim like you Leia because he says they even appreciate it more because the more sensitive you are the more you get close to feeling how infinite you are and the more there's the pain of those moments that I'm not experiencing my infinity and that's what really really looks like and that journey is an infinite journey because the deeper I go into myself the deeper I can appreciate the infinity of God and me which is one and the more you appreciate it the more growth there is and there's always a deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper layer of surrender. So what I want to suggest to you, I don't know if everybody understood this, but I'm I hope even a little bit of a taste of this you can experience. The chuva that so many of us and a person like yourself really should focus on is it's not any more about I'm guilty. I'm ashamed. I'm such a bad girl. I'm not a bad girl. God, you did this and it's your fault. No, I am a bad girl. No, I'm not a bad girl. Let's take a deep breath and get out of that paradigm. Let's get I know it's there and it's part of us and I know those voices I have them too. So we're all in the same boat, but if we could try to go out of that paradigm and just go into a different different paradigm and say Leia Kana kaya mut yel yan whatever your name is. I want to be able to come to a place of chuva where I can actually experience myself as the infinite light of Hashem in this world. Anger, jealousy, negative competitiveness, fear, dread, anxiety, those are all things that attach themselves to me, but they don't define me. They don't define my core. And what if I felt that in my body? I felt that about myself in my body. How would I be eating? How would I be drinking? How would I be exercising? How would I be talking to my children when I'm when they're stressed or I'm stressed? How would I be talking to my wife? How would I engage in business? How would I make that uncomfortable telephone call? How would my schedule be? Growth from a place of experiencing your deepest deepest infinite self. That's what real real chuva looks like. And that's why the greatest sadikim who truly had no sins for them this time was a gift. It was a gift because God is inviting you into such a deeper relationship. Not anymore about shame and guilt and fixing how broken my brokenness. Yes, I have to fix my brokenness. But the deepest brokenness is the thought that I'm broken. That's the deepest brokenness. I always say in our generation many of us you know what our deepest truva is our deepest truva is that we always think we have to do chuva our deepest truva is that we we we never experience our beauty we never experience our bliss it's always like more guilt and more guilt and more guilt so that's what I think the invitation for chuva for you is and I think then you will realize that growth for you is not about I'm cleansed I had enough suffering it's really a completely different experience it's not any even anymore. I had so much suffering. It's like Hashem experienced so much suffering through me. Wow. But really, I'm so pure. And now I want to grow. I want to go deeper into my purity. So if we see it as a checklist like God, you ruined my life, I'll ruin your life. You did this to me. I'll do it back to you. I'm not doing chauva. You're done. I'm done with you. I'm done. I am the most cleansed person in the world. I get it and I'm not judging it and it's very very normal and it's a normal emotion. But Chuva is an invitation to go into a much deeper place, a much much deeper place, a much more authentic place. It's not anymore a competition. It's an opportunity and a gift to be able to unlock yet a deeper secret of your soul. That was a workout. >> Thank you. Um, Rabbi Wway, this is an interesting one. Then I know we have a few more live ones. Um, I'll paraphrase. I'm assuming there was malnourishment in this person's life. She writes, "I was hungry a lot as a child, and the idea of Bastian Kipper is just so scary to me. Feels like I'm being retra feels like I'm ret-raumatizing myself again. I'm wondering if there's anything you can say to help me reframe these emotions and these feelings." Wow. So that's such an important question. It looks like there was malnourishment here. So somebody who went hungry as a child, Yum Kipper literally retraumatizes such a person. It's like fasting and it's a mitzvah to fast and you not allow to eat and you're not allowed to drink and that's how you get close to God. And for a person who suffered hunger in their life, it's like just the thought of it is dreadful and they're asking if there's some words of comfort that I can share. Wow. It's a very very very deep very important sensitive question and I'm sorry this is a tough one. So I would say two things. I would say two things and I want to say this with a lot of sensitivity and I don't know if it's going to resonate. If it resonates that's beautiful and if it doesn't resonate that's fine because it's important for you to respect your question. As much as I need to respect my answer, I want you to respect your question. So if what I say doesn't resonate, respect that too. Like you don't have to accept this answer as you know an authoritative sacred answer. I'm just sharing from my flow of consciousness and then you see if it works for you and if it doesn't work for you, we need to find other ways of dealing with it. And that's perfectly fine. So I want you to respect that. I'm wondering I'm going to say two things. Number two, I'm saying that as first because it's very simple is from a very practical perspective and that is try to make it as easy as possible. In my personal case, fasting is very very difficult. I get into a crazy bad mood when I fast. Not always but sometimes depends where I am in life and I have to say I do the suppositories and I you know I speak on yum kipper. I teach on yum kipper. I work hard. I mean everybody works out in yum kipper but I also communicate and teach in my schul my so and things were very very difficult for me very difficult for many years and I do have to say that these suppositories that they offer um have helped me so I'm not suggesting that to anybody but I would just want to suggest to you try to find any mechanism that could simply make it easier for you you know sometimes people there's certain things you could take before there's certain things you could do on kipper um just try to make it as easy as possible for you. You know, sometimes people smelling things could be very very helpful. They have these strong uh aromomas that they have in some schuls and it could really give like just a revival of the spirit. That's just on a very practical you know level. But I want to just go now a step deeper and that is it is so important that when you fast yam kipper of course if there is a health danger for you I should say that if there's a health danger including emotionally it's very important that you have a rabbi that you trust and somebody who understands trauma who's sensitive to it people need they need a rabbi who has experience with this and consult because if there is if it's not just if it's not if if it's something that can actually damage you god forbid so there's different dispensations. You know, I was once very sickium kipper and uh the rabbi said I should uh I should drink a certain amount of liquids. It was it was small amounts with a certain span of minutes and it really helped me. It saved me. So that's that's second point. But now I want to make my main point. My main point is this. Perhaps just perhaps this is also an opportunity for deep emotional healing. And I'll tell you how. What's happening is that when the fast of Yum Kipper comes, it triggers all the trauma from your youth. So if there were days and nights that you went hungry, Yum Kipper is just reminding you how miserable you were. It's reminding you about the terrible, terrible predicaments and calamities you experienced in your life. a child who went hungry and didn't have the safety, the nutrients, the nurture, the security that food gives us physically and emotionally. Now, yum kipper is really putting a person back into the purgatory, into the crucible. It's not like a child who had all the food in the world and now we're choosing to fast. It's almost like throwing me back into the nightmare. Literally throwing me into the furnace. I get that. But now as an adult, I'm wondering if actually you could use it as an opportunity for self-compassion and love. So before Yam Kipper, maybe you could do a little meditation with yourself and I'm going to do it with you. Okay? A few hours before Yam Kipper, you can close your eyes, you can breathe, and you could say, "I'm an adult. I love my inner child." Speak to your body that has been through so much and say, "I'm here for you. You're not going to be neglected again. You're not going to be abandoned. You're not going to be somebody who's ignored. You have food. You don't have food. You have clothes. You don't have clothes. You have a shower. You don't have a shower. You have a bed. You don't have a bed. No. No. I'm going to take care of you. The soul is divine and the body is divine. I'm going to take care of you. Now, as an adult, I'm going to take responsibility for you. My inner child, you will not be abandoned anymore. And today yam kipper is coming and this is an opportunity to actually tune into the energy of my body itself and to be able to feel like what it is not to eat from a place of choice, from a place of emotional maturity. It's going to be 24 hours. Not easy, but I'm going to go into a space. I'm going to eat before. I'm going to drink before. So I'm not going to be starving like crazy. I'm going to have the nutrients in my body and now I'm going to go from a place of choice. I'm going to go into a place where not eating and not drinking is perhaps going to allow me to be able to feel more things even to bring up pain that needs to be brought up. But this time it's going to be brought up with a maternal gaze with parental holding from the inner adult in me which is going to hold who is going to hold the inner child in me. And maybe this can be such a healing process for you where you can come to the very same experience, but this time not with horrible misery and abandonment, but with a sense of you holding the inner child and comforting it. And when those feelings come up in the middle of the day or middle of the night of Yamiper, you could say, "It's not that torture anymore. I'm here with you. I'm holding you. We're going to be fine." And all the emotions that come up from this hungry day, it's good. I'm here. We're going to breathe through it. We're going to release it. We're going to let it pass by like a river washing through my system. Just let it wash through the system. Wash through the system. We're not going to get stuck. This is a suggest a humble suggestion that I want to make to you for this sim kipper. >> Okay. Tova, did you have a question? Yes, I have a question. It's Hi, Rabbi Wii. It's good to see you. Thank you so much. That was really beautiful. I just got to that question. Do you hear me? I know. >> Yeah. Just a little louder. >> Yeah. I don't have a very strong voice today. >> It's fine. >> Okay. So, let me read this because this time is ve this time of year is very into tila. I want to ask about feeling about my feelings about it. I feel like Hashem always says no to my tilas. Not because I don't have any good in my life. I can try to find the good but I have so many challenges. I don't need to elaborate about them but and I don't need to elaborate about them but my life is also very difficult. I don't want to dive in for anything anymore. I'm afraid that whatever I ask for I will get a no. I'm afraid that that if I'll ask for a good year I will especially not get it. Can I just not dive in any reg not dive in the regular requests and make my own tilas? I will thank Hashem for what I have but I don't want to ask for anything anymore. I just don't trust him. >> Wow. >> I hope you put this into perspective. >> Wow. So the question that was raised here is somebody says my life is so difficult. Whatever I ask for never materializes. I always get another no and another no and another no. And it's just so disappointing because I have so many difficulties in my life. So this sim kipper, I want to know if I could just thank God for the good things I have in my life. And I do not want to davin. I do not want to pray anymore for all the things I want and I need because I am so afraid that I'm just going to get another no and another no like I did in the past. And I don't want to ask for a good year and all of these things. I don't want to have that let down again. Wow. I want to first of all say, you know, my heart is with you and I just want to show empathy to this type of experience because it's certainly not easy. It's very difficult and I'm sorry that this has been the experience of your life and how you feel about Davening and you feel about Yum Kipper and how you feel about Hashem responding to you. What I want to suggest is maybe something that can be helpful. I'm going to say again if it resonates with you amazing. If it doesn't resonate with you it's also amazing. You know scratch it from the record. I'm just sharing you know what comes up for me when I hear this. So it's just from my own inner experience and I hope it can be meaningful but I could also appreciate that it's not meaningful. Sometimes the disappointment is just very deep. I always feel that there's two types of prayer. There's two forms of prayer. One form of prayer is like almost the classic definition. You know I come to the king and I say you got all the power. You got all the resources. You got all the money. You you got all the might. Can you share a little bit with me? Right. There's an old joke, right? You know the joke. They say, you know, this guy comes to God and he says, you know, God, it says in Psalms that a thousand years, you know, a thousand years for you is like just like one day, you know, one day. One day for you is a thousand years. So probably, you know, $1 for you, you know, $1, right? For for me, a million dollars for you is $1. What is it? It's $1 if a thousand years is one day. Yeah. So God, I ask you just give me $1. $1 I ask you. So God says, "No problem. Come back tomorrow." This this uh you know, classic Jewish uh you sad humor is basically like, you know, good luck, good luck, right? You ask and ask and ask, come back tomorrow, which means come back in a, you know, a thousand, 2,000 years. So that's one classic definition of prayer. You know, I have a void. You're the guy. You're the man. You're the boss. You're the king. In Russian, they used to say Jew, give me money. Right, God? I need this. I need this. I need this. I need this. And that's, I would say, one definition of prayer. But maybe we can invite each other to a deeper definition of prayer. Maybe it's a very deep definition of prayer. This also comes from the alterba. Maybe really what really really the gift here is and I'm going to say two points. Number one, prayer is really about surrender but beautiful surrender. Not surrender from a place of weakness but from a place of strength. There's surrender from a place of weakness. You're stronger than me. You're wrestling me. I can't fight back. I surrender. You defeated me. Boom. There is surrender that comes from strength. Meaning I realize that life is so much bigger than what my brain can understand. That I am part of a larger infinite story more than what I could contain in my limited intellect. Surrender actually is the gateway to touching the infinite. Because how can I touch the infinite when I'm in control? I can only control that which goes into my hands. I can hold on to a cup of coffee. I can't hold on to that Atlantic Ocean. I can jump into the Atlantic Ocean and enjoy it. I can't control it and hold it in my hand. There is life in which I want to remain small and safe and in control. That's the life that I can understand, I can appreciate, I can feel good about. But there's a different way of living and that is I surrender to something so much deeper than my brain. And even if it seems so so painful but I can surrender to the fact that I don't need to understand and what I want to do most is I want to be a channel for that. I want to be a channel for that light. Sometimes we have struggles in life. We can't make sense out of them. We don't have to make sense out of them. But we can ask ourselves, maybe I can just become a channel for infinite light of the way God wants me to show up in this situation with myself, with my spouse, with my child, with my family, with my crisis, with my difficulties, with my emotional stuff. And then prayer is really an invitation to be able to say, "God, allow me to be a channel." This is one of one of the most beautiful prophecies is Yeshu perv Yeshanovi. Isaiah is the great one of the greatest prophets. And he describes how he got this beautiful job which is not a nice job for not a comfortable job for a Jewish boy to be a prophet that everybody hates because they don't want to hear the truth. And this is what he says. I heard God speaking to himself and saying who can I send? who can go do the mission for us and Yeshovi said and I responded to Hashem and I said I am here it was almost he was almost eavesdropping on God said who can I send and he heard the question and he said he wow that's really what it means to truly be alive because that question Hashem is constantly asking he's talking to himself and those of you who are eavesdropping on God feel it you feel that there's something broken in the world. There's something broken in your life. And the fact that there's something broken in my life means I'm hearing God's question. Who should I send? Who should I send? If I don't feel there's anything broken in my life, there's no nothing to send for. But those of us who feel the brokenness are really eavesdropping on God's conversation with himself. Who should I send? Who's going to go? And then I have a choice. I could say I'm out of here. Or I could say he that's what I find is the deepest form of prayer. Deepest form of prayer is God. I'm here for the mission. I'm you. You're me. I'm just a channel. Send me and allow me to be an open channel. Allow me to bring in light and love into this situation. Perhaps this is a deeper type of prayer. And maybe you're being invited to that type of prayer like Isaiah, like Yeshovi. >> Thank you, Rabbi Wi. That was beautiful. >> I don't know if everybody relates to all these things that I'm talking about, but I think that uh if you're doing a lot of inner work, I think some of these things could resonate very deeply with you. I think we have a very deep group of >> Okay, I'm glad >> I have learned in my own life to say goodbye to my old relationship with God. Does the old relationship with God, you know, you got the money, you got the power, please give it to me. Come on. Come on. Come on. Just be a nice guy today. It's so disappointing. That's so disappointing. It's so hard, you know, and you make deals with God. I'll do this. I'll do that. I'll do that. you negotiate and then everything flops, >> right? So, we're learning a new language. >> Yeah, we we all need to learn a new language. It's called the Messiah language. It's redemptive language. It doesn't take away all the problems and challenges. I wish I could say that. You know, we're still in exile. >> But the mindset changes. You're not anymore part of the problem. You're part of the solution. You're part of the solution. Say, "Yeah, but my kid is my child is suffering. My marriage is suffering. My heart is suffering. My mother is suffering. My brother is suffering. And my relationship with my father is alapanim. You know what alaponim means? A mess. My relationship with my mother. My relationship with this one with that one. And what happened to me as a seven-year-old and I have nightmares and I can't function and I can't hold a job and I'm dealing with addiction and I'm dealing with depression and I don't have a magic pill just to say everything abracadabra do it's perfect. But when we change the language, you're not sitting anymore in the seat of the helpless victim who's like pleading to this big authority in heaven. Come on, stop abusing me. Stop abusing me. Stop abusing me. And then tomorrow I'm abused again. And I now I hate you and I'm done with everybody. I'm done with religion. I'm done with Yiddish. I'm done with my family, my community. Everybody is sick and I'm the ultimate helpless victim. And and people and a lot of people feel this way. I I've heard it from people. I've been there. People share it by emails and it makes sense. It's a human response. You don't have to feel that you're a crazy sick person. But we are all capable with God's grace of learning a new language. And it's a language that is so much more helpful. It brings you so much more happiness. It brings you more joy. It doesn't mean you don't have to remember your pain. It doesn't mean that every perpetrator is at sadic. It doesn't mean that suddenly everything is dandy and beautiful and rosy. You can cry and you can grieve and you can acknowledge with empathy all your pain, but you're just in such a deeper space. You're such a more empowered space. You're eavesdropping. I want to say something. It just came to me. Those of us who have been through crazy pain, I know that it's difficult and very difficult on the another level. You're also eavesdropping on God. You hear like nobody else. Hashem saying to himself, "Who should I send? Who's going to go do the mission?" You hear it. You know why you hear it? Because you see how much there is to do. You see the brokenness of the world. You have seen the toxicity. You have seen the lies. You have seen the corruption better than anybody else. So you're actually eavesdropping on the truth. You're a prophet. You actually are a prophet. And now we have to make a choice, a beautiful choice. One choice is I don't want to be a prophet. I want to be miserable. Okay, I get it. And nobody's going to blame you. And then you have another choice. You could say, "Send me. I'm going to become an ambassador of truth, authenticity, love, healing, hope, recovery, and redemptive gula consciousness. And at this point, I don't care what anybody thinks or anybody says cuz that's what a real prophet is. A real prophet is you don't operate from a place of self-consciousness. You operate from a place of authenticity with a lot of humility. There's no ego here either. That's the invitation, my dearest brothers and sisters. Yeah, >> thank you. I'm being told that it was amazing. I'm being told that somebody cried through the whole answer. So, you're talking to the right crowd. You're getting people there. I'm just kidding. >> There you Kaufman, you wanted to ask a live question. Go ahead. >> Go ahead, please. >> Yes. Thank you. First of all, every word resonates. Thank you very much for everything. >> That means a lot. Because sometimes when I talk about these things, I think some people might think I'm just a little crazy. What did I put into my Kool-Aid tonight? What am I on? >> I'm insensitive. Let's just go back to the pain. So, thank you for the uh encouraging feedback. >> Just the just the opposite. Everywhere you hear so many other things. So, yeah. Um my question is like this. I suffered a lot from dissociation throughout the years and I'm a lot better. I'm doing very well with being present in moments of >> wow >> needing to be present but that this time of the year is just very very difficult like all I want is dissociate all I want is just be away from this and being present which requires this time of the year requires presence is just the hardest thing ever >> and >> why does this time of the year make you feel that you want to disassociate more than other times can you be alone >> because the because of this punishing scary God that Yeah, >> that I grew up with. >> Yeah. So, this is what many of us grew up with a punishing, sinister, scary god and we really want to disassociate. So, here our dear soul is telling us that she suffered many years from disassociation and this time of the year triggers it in such a deep way because it's so hard to be present because I'm being present is such a painful and really dreadful and scary experience. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. My my question really is I heard a lot on on how to relate to God in a better way. Somehow it's not like it's not internalized yet. It's not internalized. So still like the dissociation happens automatically. >> Yeah. So that's the truth. In the recent years there's so much more conversation about the appropriate healthier relationship to God. But the real challenge is it's not in our nervous system. It's in our brain. You see the trauma is not only in our brain. The trauma is in our nervous system. So when my body or your body hears the word fasting repent right all these things the nervous system is like oh my god leave me alone in my brain I may have learned beautiful things about yam kipper about chuva about rash shana about my soul about the connection Hashem loves me. He loves me. He's crazy about me. But my nervous system feels no. He's out to get me. He's really out to get me. And he's very angry these days. And then you open up the or the right. We're all ashamed and embarrassed and we're just, you know, helpless individuals and we're just begging and begging and begging. You know, maybe you'll have like a smile. it it we have to realize that when we grow up with something it's embedded in our DNA there is so many neural pathways that when yam kiper is coming they start firing trauma trauma trauma it's a fire alarm there's a fire there's smoke there's get out of this place it's a very you know just like kaneka conjures a different image or purim a different image or oris or sukus or pes you know or kalamaya trips This is what it brings up and you have to respect it because really a lot of the work is somatic. It's somatic work because you have to understand trauma exists on a level of neph is the body. Ru is the emotions. Nishama is belief systems. Okay. Sometimes my belief system is very damaged. I really think God wants to kill me. I I really think he hates me. Okay. or he's just this weird control freak. Ruach is maybe my belief system is not damaged but my emotional my emotional relationships are very very hurt like emotionally I can't relate to this in a positive way and nephesh is maybe my belief system is actually pretty good and healthy my emotions are healthy but you know what it's not my psychology it's my biology your body is literally being triggered by these days because the dread and fear and anxiety sits in our body and therefore it's very important to confront this on three levels. We need to change our mindset. We need to deal with our emotions and we also have to heal our bodily responses. You have dealt with some but I think there's still work maybe in the neph and in the ru so I want to suggest something practically. Okay, >> you with me? >> Yes. Yes. Yes. >> Yeah. And I want to ask Hashem to help me be a channel for for healing in this area. And that is during these days, take time every single day, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 10 minutes, and go to a quiet place, maybe a park, I don't know, a forest, a hike, somewhere where you could just be calm, maybe around animals, water. I don't know if you have such a place. I don't know where you are. I don't know if you're in Burough Park or you're in my neck of the woods, but if you can have even just a semi like little private place outdoors would be very nice. The weather is beautiful these days and you could really close your eyes and breathe and ask the creator of the world and your own nishama to help you release the dread of these days. Literally to help you release. And this is what you should say my dear nama I want to feel my beauty I want to feel my holiness these days that's what I want to feel you know there's a beautiful expression of the alterba there's nobody alterba when it comes to there's nobody like him he says like this what isashim he uses these words there's a there's like the source of light and then there's a nit there's the spark of light that goes into every body to every person's life. But then there's the mur that's like Hashem and he says you know you see when you light a big bonfire and then you bring a small fire close the small fire becomes subsumed in the big fire. So he says this time of the year is the source of light comes close to every spark so that the spark becomes subsumed in the source. That's his definition of rishim. Every one of us is a nit. Every one of us is pure infinite godliness. But the nits left the source because it went into this world. The source of light comes closer that your spark could be subsumed. Think of yourself like that. You're literally you're not dark. You're not a sinner. You're not a bad girl. You're a spark. You're a divine spark that went through a lot of journeys, but you're not dirty. We Nobody here is dirty. We need to be able to know that and feel it in our bodies and say, "Now allow my spark to feel its source and go back and be subsumed in the source." Every day for a few minutes, if you could focus on this, breathe into this, try to feel it, and then the message comes, no, it's Duchv, stop this liberal, progressive, left-wing, woke, pop, y psychology. Enough. Okay, repentance. Stop it. You're a Russia and you want a good year. Whoa. Whoa. Here we come again, right? My nervous system is acting up. And like, let's just go back to the old template with compassion. It's like a toddler having a tantrum, throwing a tantrum. Embrace it with compassion. Wow. You really need to feel miserable to survive in this world. Wow. You really feel if you're not going to feel miserable, God will punish you. Yum. Kipper means misery. Misery. Misery. So God can smile and give us a good year cuz we're miserable. Wow. I am so sorry, my child, that this is what we have to learn. This is what we learned. We're not judging anybody, but this is what we discovered. This is what we learned. And you know, we're reaching a different era. Wow. Amazing. So, my dear toddler, give me a hug. I'm going to hug you. And I get it. And now, let's lean back into the blissful oneness that you have with yourself and with the world and with Hashem. >> Thank you so much. >> You're welcome. >> Thank you so much. I think we have a live question coming up. >> Sure. >> Well, do you hear me? you ready to go live? >> Yes. >> All the questions are coming from women. I'm glad we have a man. >> Just thank you so much for what you're you know what you everything you spoke about. I had a lot of questions and a lot of things got more clear. Um >> you believe you believe what I'm saying or you think I'm just making up this new Judaism? >> I believe it. >> Wow. You know, cuz different people when they hear this, somebody wrote me an email, a woman. She said, "I'm listening to your classes." And this is what she writes these words. It's too good to be true. You hear? You understand? It's too good to be true. It's almost like if Yiddish is good, it's a betrayal of everything I know. So, it's too good to be true. >> This is mamish letting go of the mindset of gullus. You should know everybody this work is not just personal work. I want you to know you're not just doing personal emotional work for yourself. You are and that's amazing. You're also healing the world. This is the work of going out of the inner gullus into the inner gula. So it's very special work everybody here is doing. Yes. So go ahead. Thank you. >> Yes. So no, so it really resonated that someone asked a question about fela. So I if I could just say I had the same thing was bothering me and two things that I could share and maybe you could help me understand it better cuz I I try to discuss with other people and they can't. >> Um go ahead. Yeah. >> So I had the same thing. I was you know you know for years and years asking for the same thing coming to Rashana and it it didn't get I didn't get my my my request did not get answered. And so I wrote to Hashem I said I just I can't do it anymore. And I wrote a whole thing and I said I can't do it anymore. And I think that being able to write that was was an important step. Being able to because uh it it means that I I was getting to a place of more authenticity. >> Um so I just want to say that whoever asked the question I think that having the question is um having the question itself is is an is >> an answer. It's part of the >> part of the part of the >> Yeah. Then the other thing the other thing was that um maybe you could explain this I saw in the safer that someone showed me that every every person's inner state is is always wanting and really communicating with Hashem at a deeper level and it's being able to have the right words to to say it to say it to Hashem. So says to you know A person has the thoughts, but if he can bring it out into the right words, that that's Hashem's answer to to his his request. If he can actually say to the right words, >> you're saying that prayer itself, the feel itself is the answer. >> That's the the words are. Yeah, that's the answer to the >> Wow, that's beautiful. Okay, so we just heard two ideas. Number one, you're saying that by about about Davini that you had the same issue where you're praying and praying and it's just Hashem is not answering you. It's always a no no. And then finally, you wrote a letter. You wrote a letter to Hashem and you said, "I cannot do this anymore." And just articulating it in a letter really was helpful because it was authenticity. And the fact that you could be authentic with God about your disappointment, that itself was the deepest fela and it it helped so much. And the second thing you're saying is this is beautiful. So we say that that the human being arranges the emotions the hearts you know we have all of these different types of emotions but from Hashem comes the answer or the expression of the tongue right Hashem open my lips. So whatn is saying here is that what he found was that articulating the needs and the requests that itself was a major part of the answer. That itself was a divine gift. The ability for you to really be able to articulate verbally what you need, what you want, what your pain is, what you're searching for, that itself was a divine gift. May hashem wow that's beautiful. That is beautiful. I I think it's so true in so many areas. So in relationships, you know, let's take in a marriage like when a husband or a wife can articulate to each other what the pain is. >> That is such a powerful moment in the relationship. Not just I'm angry, right? I'm angry. I'm overwhelmed. I don't like you. I'm done. No, no, no. That's that's that's external when I could really say, you know, wow, I am feeling lonely. You just made me feel unsafe. what you just said to me made me feel abandoned. It triggered a deep wound in me. You know, saying these words is such a powerful advanced step in building the relationship, in building the trust. It's it's already part of the answer. Especially when your partner could look at you and not run away, but say, "Wow, that's so meaningful to hear. Thank you for sharing, and I want to be here for you, and I'm sorry." And I think you're saying the same thing is really with Hashem. You know, when I can really articulate my pain, that itself is a gift. That's really beautiful what you just said. I love it. Thank you. >> That's as I told it over to someone and they're like, "Well, you don't that's how is that the answer? You just the answer means the other is supposed to respond to you." But there was no response from the other. So, >> new and now you understand. like I'm saying that I think that he's saying is that being given that gift of being able to say >> you're asking a good question somebody said to you no you're not being answered the answer means the other person is answering right but let's really understand something if Hashem is always here with you and for you the fact that I can articulate what my pain really really is actually in a very very deep deep way already becomes part of Hashem's response to me. You could try it. You'll see. I have experienced it. I'll tell you what I mean. I'll tell you what I mean. Everybody, I think, will be able to relate to this. If I just come to Hashem and I say, "My life is miserable. You always say no. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm done. I I hate I hate I hate everything. I hate you. I hate everything. Oh, now I feel guilty because you're gonna punish me because I said I hate you. Okay, but if you could stay with this and say, "Wow. Wow. What am I really feeling? What am I really feeling? I just hate you. What am I really feeling? Oh, I wanted to trust you. I want trust. I never had a friend in my life. I feel so abandoned. I feel alone. I feel so miserable. Go deeper. Wow. Really? What is this misery? What is it? What is it? Go deeper into it. Feel it. Feel it. Feel the grief. Feel the hopelessness. And you know what happens? Something very, very deep opens up in the depth depth depth of our grief. When we could be real with it, suddenly you will feel God holding you. And the reason for that is it's not really an intellectual thing, but it's an experience. But because Hashem is in reality, hashem, God is truth. Reality is Hashem. Hashem is reality. Anything that covers up reality takes us away from the divine. Anything that takes us deeper into reality brings us closer to the divine. The moment you really touch the texture of your authentic pain, you're also touching God. And that's a very deep answer. And from that space, you'll probably also experience some form of enlightenment, some form of where do I go now? What do I do? Some strength, some resilience, some dignity, some resolution. It may even be, wow, I know exactly what I need to do. I need to put my foot down. I know exactly what I have to do. I have to go out of this relationship. I know exactly what I do. I have to make this call. I know exactly what I have to do. I have to go to this retreat. I know from that space where God is held holding you, you can show up with your true power, not with your fake power. What I'm talking now about is really a very deep experience. It's not an intellectual thing. So that's that's how I'm relating to what you're saying and I think it's very special. Thank you. >> Yeah. Thank you for thank you for explaining it. And then also could be >> does it make sense? Does this resonate what I'm saying with you? Does it resonate? >> Yeah, it does. It really does. And that's all the original requests in a way is >> the more primal the more primal. You have to go to the primal places. Don't go to the coverups. A guy tells his wife, "I hate you. I'm angry at you. I don't want you." Okay, I got it. Let's go deeper. Let's go deeper. What just happened? There was a wound that was exposed. Can you go there? Just by going there, you'll already feel better. You're going to be in your reality. You're going to give dignity to your reality. It's not so easy, by the way, to go here. We don't like going here cuz we like to avoid pain. I just say, "I'm angry. Just give me what I want. Stop this." Whoa. I can't even give you what you want if you don't know what you want. Does everybody understand this? I cannot give you what you want. If you don't know what you want, what do you really really want? It may be very different than what you're saying now. And you know what the deepest thing you really want? You know what the deepest thing we all want? The deepest thing we want is das. The deepest thing we want is know the truth, feel the truth, that we're not alone, that we're one. We're one with ourselves. We're one with Hashem. We're one with reality. We're not abandoned. >> That's the deepest deepest thing we want. Because from that space, it's if I'm not alone, if I'm you, if I'm yours, send me now. I'm your the moment you're a of in the world, you're different. You're invincible. That's what means means you're not your own person struggling in a crazy world. You're not your own person in a in a turbulent ocean fighting with all the sharks. You're actually the ambassador of Hashem. Wow. Okay. I was sent into Normandy. I was sent into Afghanistan. I was sent into Lebanon. I was sent into Gaza. It's a tough place. I was sent. I'm not being punished. I was sent. That's what we really want. I really want to know that I'm not alone. I really want to know that I'm not alone. I have found that people can deal with such deep struggle when they know that they're not alone. When they know that they are of Hashem, it's a different life. It's a different experience. I'm yours. You you you come from a different place of power, from a different place of dignity. There's no guilt and blame and shame and I'm icky and I'm ugly and I'm disgusting and I'm fighting with you and you hate me and I hate you and you hate me more and I hate you more and you're going to hate me more and you're going to this. So till we really don't know what we want really really we can't even be answered. Okay, we're going pretty deep here tonight. I see. I didn't expect this. This is like a real Shiaidis. >> Tova, I think we have one or two more questions and then we're going to let uh we're going to be Y's time. Go ahead, Tova. >> I don't know if you heard me because my voice um we have a question from >> I want to know what happened to your voice. >> I'm trying to figure that out myself. I'm not sure. >> All was all the Russink. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Okay. Maybe maybe silence will be healing. But before before your silence, we want to hear the next question. So go ahead. >> So we're gonna one of our alumni are going to ask. Hi Mushka. >> Hi. >> Nice to see you. >> Likewise. Thank you. >> Thank you for all of the channeling. I think I'll have to listen again because there's a lot here tonight. riding on the waves of everything that you've shared and the questions that everyone else asked. I have um a very primal experience that happened to me in Rashashana that's also making my body feel sick coming into Yum Kipper not knowing what to do and I already spoke to Arav and I already spoke to a doctor so it's not in that realm it's just really struggling with with my mother I um on Rashashana she asked me a question and the answer that I gave her was to her disappointment and I dive in with her and her shaw to support her and to help take care of her and sometimes she needs help and sometimes she doesn't need help but I am a helpful lovely people pleaser but from a more helpful healthy way I'm happy to go and help her when I can and once She got disappointed at my answer. She started to ignore me >> and it was blatant and I was obviously aware and I observed myself in a very interesting place that I I watched myself as this little girl and I didn't go that deep, but I was just I was feeling so sad and I'm like I just want my mother's approval and nothing I can do and say >> she'll never understand me. She'll never agree with me. >> She won't even hear me, >> right? >> And it's not like I did something terrible, you know? It was just that it wasn't exactly what she wanted. And as I observed myself in that pain and then later when I went to help in the house aftersh there was some more very blatant narcissistic abuse that I was being the target of and I humbly just continued to help and then I left the house. But as I am preparing now for Yum Kipper a I like I don't want to dive in. That's number one. And I'll dive in whatever I want to dive in at whatever schedule is convenient to me. And I want to also be helpful and have kodame because I feel bad for her and and she doesn't do this on purpose. She's suffering from her childhood that she never had skills and tools to deal with. And I also have to honor this pain. Yeah. >> And you're right about me feeling alone. I do feel alone and I haven't yet worked through and intellectually I know I'm not alone. You know, I have Hashem and and he has all these beautiful people in my life that I could reach out to and friends and lovely things. But experientially and when you were sharing like take a few minutes and and and meditate and do that, I don't even I didn't even give myself permission to do that because there's just so much here and I'm and I'm scared to go there because I'm scared I'll fall apart. >> I just want to ask a question. It's fine if not. I'm just wondering because it may be helpful to some people. Would you be comfortable sharing what your question was? What the question from you was? Yeah. She asked where I'm going to eat my meal and I told her I'm going to my sister-in-law. I'm in the middle of a divorce. And um she was very disapproving that I'm uh going to eat at someone else's house. So there's a there's a lot of things here because she didn't have anyone to eat at her house with her. So that was like one thing. But it's not just that. It's I could have said I'm eating at home and that would have been fine. It's that someone else is going to have my attention and it's not going to go to her. >> Wow. >> So what's this is powerful. So what's your question? First of all, I don't even want like I I want to go doin but I don't want it to be from the place that I'm feeling right now. >> Yeah. And I also don't even know like if I should go to be near her because I have so much anger and I don't want to have that that anger especially since she has she already forgot what happened. She has no idea how she impacts me and that pain and the hurt that I have inside me. She has no there's no way she can't even she can't smell it. She can't even touch it. So what am I keep going near her when like I just and then I have thoughts of like forgive me Hashem for saying this publicly like maybe it's better if she dies my life will be a little easier and then it's like but then I have a mother I should learn how to work through it and then thank you Hashem that I get to work this out while she's alive. So I'm like dancing between >> these crazy feelings. So let's let's take wow let's take this apart a little bit I think for the benefit of all of us in our own way and of course addressing the specific question. So the question was to be very brief and concise and I think I I think I got it. You'll correct me if not. Somebody's sharing how on Rash Shana their mother asked a question. Their response was not to the liking of their mother afterwards. Their mother ignored her and it was extremely painful. And later in the house that ignoring and negative or uh indifferent or or uh dismissive, whatever the >> care what happened. I was dealing with my father and I was singing to him and then when she came back into the room cuz she went to the bathroom she came back into the room and she started reading a story out loud as I was singing to my father because I cannot like she can't share like it has to be about her >> right >> so >> and and you feel now going into Yam Kipper it's very negative you don't want to dive in and yet you don't want to go in with these negative feelings and you want to go help her because you feel bad for her but you so much anger and uh you know how do we deal with all of this? Yeah. So, first of all, I'm very sorry. This is very painful, extremely painful. Thank you for trusting and bringing this up and sharing. And I think, you know, we can each in our own way we could learn from this. So, I just want to share, you know, really one feeling about this that I think is important and maybe it could be helpful. This is an example of so many of us who do not feel that we had or have caretakers in our life who ever really saw us. They never saw you and it's very very painful. It's very painful. And you know for many years we can bypass it and say yeah it's fine. You had a good life. You know everything is perfect. What are you complaining? You don't have clothes. You don't know where you starve. You in a concentration camp. Why you in Awitz? What do you a bunch of spoiled braten rotten kids? But I don't think that's fear because yeah, we've had so many blessings and we're grateful for those blessings. But the truth is so many children were not seeing. And till today they're not seeing. Seeing means that I can see my child for who he or she is, not for who I want them to be and how they fit into my narrative. And it's extremely painful. These are very deep primal attachment wounds. And you know, some people mock them and some make fun of them. You know, we're all entitled and we're all spoiled. But the fact is if we don't address them, we shut down for our children and we pass it on. So I congratulate everybody and I salute everybody who in a very dignified Jewish refined tyika holy way addresses this pain. And I think that's the first step. I think the first step is to honor the child in you who wants a mother. You are looking for a mother. We are looking for mothers. We need mothers when we're 10, when we're 20, when we're 30, when we're 40, when we're 50, when we're 60, and when we're 70. And may I dare say even later. It's about attachment. And you know what happens often is somebody was just telling me today you know terrible attachment wounds with their mother and they want their wife to be their mother and she can't be their mother. So all their anger towards their mother they now put on their wife or conversely it's very very painful. What does it mean we want a mother? Our mothers fed us. Our mothers sheltered us. Our mothers took us to the doctor. Our mothers many of our mothers had complete sacrifice. And our mothers have their own trauma and disabilities. And they themselves, many of them were crippled emotionally. And that's all true. But it doesn't take away from the fact that deep deep craving of every child to be seen by their mother and father to really really be seen from a regulated place to be able to be given that deepest deepest confidence that you're not alone in the world. I see you. I'm here for you. You're essentially precious. I'm not afraid of you and being in your presence is such a regulating beautiful experience. But if a mother was never regulated, how can she co-regulate her child? So I think the first step is to really acknowledge the pain. And I think I would advise if it's possible tomorrow, Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday to find somebody you trust who can do with you some work around this. Simply allow your child to grieve for the attachment she's been searching for for many many decades and she did not get and really grieve. It's it's very very painful and knowing that some of our mothers may never ever see us. They may never see us. And it's hard to say this cuz many of our mothers would die for us, take bullets for us. Not all, but some. Many of our mothers go out of the way. They'll fly to Australia and back, you know, to find a medicine for their child. They'll do anything in many ways, but one thing they just don't know how to do. And that is see us really, really see us. Nobody saw them. If nobody saw me, there's no way I could see my children. It's just the way it is. Those who were never seeing do not know how to see others. They don't know what it looks like. They don't know what it looks like. They'll see us from a place of anxiety or narcissism or dysregulation or obligation or pressure or need or fear or an overwhelming intensity or avoiding their own pain or protecting us because they don't trust us. They don't trust themselves. They don't trust the world but they can't really see us. They can't regulate us. And we have to acknowledge it. It's very very painful. It's very painful. says in chapter 27 of and now I understand why we say it the whole I just got it. Thank you. My mother and father have neglected me and God will take me in. Why do we say it? Come on. What about kibod? Actually, once we do this work, we can have much more kibba. Once I can release some of my grief, hold it, heal it, turn to people who I could connect to and share my wounds with them. Now I can actually show up to my mother as an adult and say, "Okay, you're my mother. I love you. You brought me to the world. I want to be here for you. >> Amen. >> And I'll be here for you. So that's what I would suggest. >> Thank you. >> I think we have time for one more. Nova, who do we have? >> We have time for one more. We could sneak in one more quick one. Andrea, do you want to ask the question? >> Andrea, go ahead. >> Hi every Thank you for being here. >> Thank you for being here. >> It's an honor. Um, so my question might sound a little bit it's a little bit strange and I don't mean to be I hope I don't come across as insensitive. God forbid and my my head is on board. My body is very uncomfortable. >> People often give this introduction. I'm sorry for interrupting me. My question is a little strange. I want you to ask the question without this introduction. Do it again without telling us that the question is strange. Every question is strange and we often protect ourselves by saying it's strange. So if Rabbi Yway thinks I'm crazy, I already told him I'm crazy, so I won't be hurt. So let's get rid of that. Please, if I could ask you to start again, but don't tell me that it's strange. >> Okay, thank you. >> Okay, so I'm asking like conceptually big picture and then like body pragmatic like if I understand correctly like the pain and the suffering that we went through, we went through because this was Hashem's plan and we don't understand zu. What are we grieving? >> That's the conceptual or the practical. You said the question has two parts. >> Conceptually is if conceptually am I understanding because maybe it's my my gatesahara is just playing games and then and if not then like how does my body how do how do I align and adjust with that? >> Beautiful. Wow. I'm going to pray that all strange questions should be as meaningful, authentic, relevant, important as this question. The question you asked was, if it's really true that all the pain that I went through was part of Hashem's plan to bring me where I need to be and to fulfill my mission in this world, what am I grieving? >> What am I grieving? It's really beautiful. I should say thank you. And if I really believe this, there's no grief. And how is my body which experiences the pain supposed to align with this truth? Your second question, it's first of all, it's an excellent question. It's so important this question and I'll tell you why. Because if this is misunderstood, what we often do is we spiritually bypass our pain. Right? We have words which are true and beautiful. Hashem, Hashem has a plan. Shem is good. He knows better. There's there's gilgulim. There's all these words can be used as weapons to allow me to bypass everything and really shut down my heart and I just go on autopilot and I use religion as crutches to avoid my inner feelings. Of course, I have to shut down my heart. And then people say, why can't I feel anything? Because we all had to shut down our hearts. That's why. Because for you, amuna, for us, amuna means shutting down your heart, not feeling. Cuz if I feel, it's not good. It's horrible. Wow, what a beautiful question. And let's get straight to the point. And this is exactly what we're talking about. We're grieving the fact that our human experience did not feel the love and the bliss. Is it Hashem's plan? Yeah. But part of Hashem's plan was that we did not feel that it's a plan. That was part of the plan. All we felt was abandonment, suffering, some of us abuse, some of us horrific abuse, some of us sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, whatever form of abuse or neglect or abandonment. We didn't feel parental holding. We didn't feel. We didn't feel that your nama is literally holding on to you and taking you exactly where you need to go to become the prophet that you need to become. And we need to respect that because that is also part of the plan. See, people don't realize means my feeling of abandonment is also part of the plan. I have to honor that. That's also part of the plan. People say, "Why do you feel abandoned? Hashem had a plan." That was part of the plan. Respect it. Do you understand what I'm saying? Respect the fact that you felt so abandoned. Re respect a child who was silently screaming in horror. Why do I deserve this? Mommy, am I such a bad girl? Tati, am I such a bad boy? brother, sister, teacher, counselor, babysitter. Am I such a bad boy? Why do I deserve this? I must be crazy. I must be weird. That silent cry of a child, we need a respect always. And that's where we grieve. We grieve that. We grieve a child who was helpless. A child who was never seen, never nurtured, never held, never embraced. >> But we weren't supposed to be seen. And we grieve. >> Is that part of the plan? >> That's part of the plan. And that's part of the plan that has to be grieved. And without grieving it, we never reach the plan because we bypass our truth. A child needs attachment. And when a child doesn't have attachment, it's painful. And if I can't acknowledge that, I'm not acknowledging reality. And if I'm not acknowledging reality, I'm never going to be authentic. And if I'm never going to be authentic, I'm never going to find myself. But >> I want to suggest something. I think you're processing this too much intellectually. >> Can you go into your body and your experience and I think everything will become pretty clear. >> My body's so uncomfortable with my question. >> Your body is very uncomfortable with your question. Right. >> So uncomfortable. I was I'm pretty I sense I should ask the question. >> I sense that and that's why I'm inviting you with your permission to go out of your brain. Your brain is not going to help you. The brain loves mathematics and makes sense. Hashem wants, hashem doesn't want. Hashem wants, hashem wants. The body has its own language that we all need to respect. It says in in job, from my flesh I perceive God. >> Do you know what that means? It means only from our body will we be able to experience God. Not from our brain. Zelica from our flesh, from our body. We'll be able to see Hashem. >> Do I have to worry that my Yates is going to hijack my body? Because I know it hijacks my brain and my heart. >> The body doesn't get hijacked by the Yates. >> Okay. >> What happens is the body can be overtaken by the Yates and the puts in temptation and addiction and all that. But when we go deeper and deeper into the body, we will find God over there. The body has the truth and the body also has the mechanism to release whatever it has to release. When we could sit with our discomfort in the body and then in an experiential way we could say of course I need to grieve. Of course this is painful. Of course of course and then the body can release it slowly. And then the body can also find the inner holding that was mi mystically there whole time. So we coexist with both things. Like desire has an expression there's joy in one ventricle of the heart and there are tears in the other ventricle of the heart and they both coexist. The human experience is full of tears, but the human experience is also filled with an inner divine knowing. And over there, there's so much joy. And one never cancels out the other ever. When it does, it means we're bypassing, we're ignoring, we're avoiding, we're running away. Remember, all healing is always about truth. Whenever healing comes at the expense of truth, it's not going to be healing. You understand? >> And when truth comes at the expense of healing, it's not real truth. It's partial truth. Real healing is I could be present with everything that is. I do not have to avoid anything. This is very emotional. I'm uh I'm going to start crying soon. Real healing is I could sit with everything. I don't have to avoid anything. The moment I have to cancel this, cancel that, suppress this, repress this, avoid this, not go here, it's not truth. I'm not really trusting myself. I'm not trusting my body. I'm not trusting my soul. I'm not trusting Hashem. I'm not trusting me. I'm amputating. And there won't be real healing. Real healing is looking at everything, embracing everything, being present with everything and in that process finding the inner still amazing divine voice and bliss that sits at the core of your existence and leaning into it without ignoring anything. It's almost like a little secret. >> Huh? Like befriending it. >> Befriending it. >> Yeah. And not controlling it. Not controlling it. It's like a little secret. >> It's like a little invisible core cuz Hashem you can't hold. You can't control. You just like open yourself up to it. You can't even talk about it too much. You can't talk about it too much. We could talk about the prep work and the leading to it and the moving removing blockages, but the experience of the divine itself is always beyond words. It's always beyond words. It's always beyond thoughts. It's called in Zar and it's called Rusa Liba. It's the the openness of the heart. It's the ecstasy of the heart. Okay. Well, with that wife, as always, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for going beyond our aotted time. I know there's more questions. We'll have to get to them next year. Thank you to all of our alumni, everybody watching. >> Thank you. And uh we should only meet on good occasions. >> Yeah. I want to just conclude with a blessing to everybody. First of all, thank you to fresh start for this gift and opportunity and everybody involved and thank you for everybody for joining us and all those who are watching or will watch or will listen. I just want to conclude with a profound blessing from a brother to brothers and a brother to sisters since we're all family and we're all connected that this year should be a year in which each and every one of us has the courage to be able to lean in to the frequencies that are so deeply embedded in our souls. the frequency of love, the frequency of trust, the frequency of faith, the frequency of surrender, and the frequency of truth. We can also lean into other frequencies. There's frequencies of guilt and shame and hatred and jealousy. Those are all frequencies in the universe. They're all very empowered by gravity because they're very low. They're lowhanging fruit. So, it's very easy to go into them. These higher frequencies are a little higher. So it's harder to go into them. When you go in there, it's like outer space. You start floating, you know, you're in a different zone. So I want to bless all of you. We should be able to go in more and more, lean into these frequencies of surrender and love and trust and and faith and authenticity. And it should be a year in which Hashem allows each and every one of us and gives us the courage and the empowerment to be able to truly truly let go of everything we have to let go. to be able to allow the light to shine in your body and to shine in your soul and to be able to radiate that not only for yourself but for all of your loved ones to be able to regulate them because you find that inner space of safety and regulation and it should be a year of abundance happiness joy prosperity serenity tranquility and a year of true victory and of true redemption inner redemption and collective redemption. Amen. And thank you. Thank you. >> Bye. >> Bye. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye. >> Record by My I [Music] I my bum bum. Um I'm