Dangers of the GUILT CYCLE | Authentic spiritual growth

so there's this internal voice that comes to you and says you know your monster you're terrible you [sighs] and here I have proof here's my evidence he did this he did that comes to you at three in the morning when you can't fall asleep and he just you can't even you can't even uh you know press mute he's the voice inside your own head and uh it's painful it's painful you know this this this internal voice who's mounting this case of how bad you've messed up and you've ruined your life and you've ruined other people's lives and he's got all the evidence and the question is for all the purported um responsibility you know that's that's the that's the LIE the LIE is well I feel bad because I'm responsible you know if I didn't feel bad I'd be irresponsible right so for all the a sensible responsibility here I'm trying to be accountable I'm trying to be responsible I'm trying to take trying to take uh trying to be accountable to what it would call it the take take responsibility for my actions or all of that stuff which is that's the you know ostensibly that's what it is the reality is it doesn't actually lead to change the reality is it doesn't actually lead to change and in truth tells us in Tanya the contrary it actually leads to worse avedas worse sins to the extent that it's a known psychological hack what I mean what I mean by known the it'sohara Evo inclination knows it and uses it against us it's a known psychological hack that if you want to get a Jew to do a big sin all you have to do is start making them feel bad about a little sin of Tanya he describes a guilt cycle it's a vicious cycle he says the The Voice of your conscience comes to you and uh it says don't you remember that thing that you did you say yeah I do remember that well it wasn't that bad yeah I have to admit that was bad well don't you feel bad yeah I do feel bad now this whole thing ostensibly is a very holy very religious conversation you know it sounds like an adult voice sounds like a responsible voice it's coming to you to fix things into to draw your attention to something that needs rectification so the the what you're going to call the the tacit agreement here the the the the narrative is this is very this is very responsible stuff and it's very religious and it's actually it's even very holy now the reality is what happens describes this you're in pain now the guilt is pain it's emotional pain which in in many ways can be more difficult than physical pain and uh well you know you don't want to be in pain who wants to be in pain so we seek to counter the pain what do we look for to count to the pain we look for pleasure so we're looking for pleasure to numb the pain to escape from the pain we're looking for pleasure and it happens to be at this moment that I'm looking for pleasure I have a poor opinion of myself because I just reminded myself of how terrible I am and the kinds of awful things that I'm involved in right so I'm vulnerable because I'm in pain I'm looking desperately for numbness for relief and I have low standards at the moment because I'm feeling low about myself well tell me what that's a formula for just a formula for disaster so I go and I indulge in order to experience some type of relief and when I indulge I'm not being too picky I don't have my normal uh standards because after Who Am I who am I to have standards you know what kind of person I am and then I indulge and then the minute after I indulge I realized what did I do well that's worse than the thing that I originally felt guilty for are they now I'm really in pain well what am I going to do I'm in pain I don't want to be in pain how am I going to get out of this pain so distraction numbness you go look for more cheap thrills and your opinion of yourself is even lower than it was before and it's not hard to imagine how this just spirals downward and downward and downward and becomes a vicious cycle which is very very hard to break so they altered up it says in Tanya that you have to know that when this voice comes to you most of the time it's not authentic it sounds like a responsible adult voice it sounds even religious or even holy but the actual effect the actual effect is the exact opposite of what it's purporting to be so the yetzahada is not going to come and tell a healthy person to do something blatantly destructive what are the odds that such a sales pitch is going to be successful it's not what the Utah is going to do but so what is going to do is going to come and tell a healthy person that I have evidence that you're unworthy God doesn't even like you I don't know how you like you how do you stand yourself and you're going to listen to him because his argument sounds so responsible and so holy and from there he's got you spiraling into a self-destructive pattern guilt pain Indulgence greater pain greater Indulgence and just keeps on going over and over again so we got to break it one of the things we we're told to do in order to break it is to be business-like in our in our response to that voice to say oh yeah this is a genuine call to teshuva you want to do repentance right now okay let's make an appointment I'll meet you tonight around 11 30 I'm going to say bedtime Shema and I'll review my day and let's talk about it then you know what happens 99 of the time this nudnik who was harassing you all day talking about this this noodnik in here this internal voice he was harassing you all day and then when we had an appointment to sort it out it doesn't even show because he was never concerned with sorting it out he was concerned with using it as a club to emotionally pressure you and manipulate you into having a low self-concept and thereby becoming vulnerable and doing worse and worse things that he can in turn create more lower and lower self concept with so we tell we're going to set an appointment that's one thing another thing out there is this is all chapter 26 of Tanya he says when you do show up for the appointment let's say he does show up buy some fluke what are you supposed to think about so he says is it time to be missing to meditate to reflect Hashem [snorts] upon the greatness of Hashem against whom he has sinned it's a very powerful phrase don't meditate and the greatness of the sin it doesn't say to be missing life it doesn't say think about how big the sin was it says think about Hashem the greatness of God against whom he has sinned a couple very rich ideas there one is that uh when it comes to sin it's almost irrelevant what the sin was who cares what it was it was a betrayal but what was the Betrayal now you know now you're just looking to steal a cheap thrill what was the Betrayal yeah describe it to me let's do a slow motion instant replay of the Betrayal you know what something tells me that you're enjoying this too much no it's not it's not relevant I know what I did I could say I can name it I mean to Hashem but we don't have to go relive it vividly we don't have to give it full color it's almost irrelevant what the Betrayal was it was a betrayal so it doesn't matter the particular form the Betrayal took it's irrelevant what's relevant is it was a betrayal and therefore I should think about the one who I betrayed I betrayed Hashem so therefore I want to think about how great Hashem is and therefore how much I value my relationship with Hashem and therefore any betrayal is unwanted so that's one thing that's really really helpful is that when we have stuff in our past that we don't like stop thinking about the thing you did it's not feeding it with mental energy and stop reliving it you know sometimes the so-called chuva can be more dirty than the original sin because you have license to rethink it oh no God forbid I'm not I'm not uh I'm not I'm not getting a vicarious thrill no but you are in effect you are just because you have a license to uh you know it's like the sensors who all watch you know the the the the the obscenity because they they're the sensors you know what you don't know that trick yeah okay the people who censor stuff to make sure that it's not dirty those are you know anyways it's human nature it's in every Community always the people who are on the lookout for uh for lewd and lascivious Behavior you know don't worry I'll find it well okay anyway so that that's one thing you don't have to put yourself back in it you don't have to relive it stop feeding it stop giving it energy that's not important anyway think about the greatness of Hashem think about the one with with whom you have a relationship and then as an incidental thing yeah okay I betrayed Hashem how did you betray yourself okay that's like a one-liner that's like a one line it's almost irrelevant what the what the nature of the Betrayal was the point was I'm in a relationship and I did something that damaged the relationship that's it that's it okay another thing though when you think about the greatness of Hashem against whom you've sinned is this idea that you know sometimes that when ostensibly we're trying to do truva we actually psych ourselves out and we convince ourselves that it's impossible to do trova because here I was I was trying to do the two of us I was thinking about what I did and then I'm reliving it I'm reimagining it and it becomes this monster becomes this Boogeyman right sometimes the the the the memory of it is more overwhelming than the original experience I mean it lasts a lot longer that's for sure the original experience less however long it lasts but the remembering remembering that's and that it never ends [snorts] the milking it you know the playing back the movie so what happens what ends up happening is we we psych ourselves out we convince ourselves no there's no way to do true over here this is not possible this is insurmountable so what we want to do is want to flip it instead of telling God how big your sins are tell your sins how big God is don't think about this is such a big Aveda how can I sham handle it that's not that's not the right approach thinking about Hashem is so great Hashem is so forgiving Hashem is so kind Hashem is so loving my relationship with Hashem is so pervasive so all important oh look at that thing that disrupted it yeah we want to get rid of that remove that from our life because it doesn't belong there I understand so it's a complete opposite approach okay but I want to go a little bit deeper let's say we have a a persistent thought that look you don't understand it it's not just about what I've done it's it's about who I am it's much deeper than just a laundry list of offenses you don't realize what kind of person I am if you did if people knew what kind of person I was then they would understand that I'm kind of doomed to be stuck every Yom Kipper is a farce because I know I know good and well nothing's nothing's changing right you know the difference between guilt and shame guilt is feeling bad about what you've done shame is feeling bad about who you are so this this is shame this is even deeper than I feel bad about what I've done this is I feel bad about me I don't like me what I've done that's just evidence of how bad of a guy I am but what really I mean paid about is me there's a really tragic story in the in the talmud about one of the hakamim who is sort of like in some ways the quintessential sinner because he was so high and he fell so low Alicia benavoya who they called somebody else because after he fell he was like unrecognizable he was like somebody else and there are different accounts of how it happened to him this is a gemara and kedushan it says he was traumatized by a theodicy you know why the bad things happen to good people they're different explanations about what happened to him but uh the main description of it is where it talks about four sages who entered this alternate State of Consciousness this elevated state of conscience is called the pardes and all of them were damaged by it except was not damaged by it but Alicia benavuya had this like Revelation and then he uh he came back he couldn't assimilate the Revelation into his regular Consciousness and he became a heretic at any rate the point is there were a Confluence of different things that happened to him it wasn't one thing the point is it wasn't one thing it by the way is it ever one thing there's ever one thing it's never one thing a bunch of stuff in fact there's one opinion the stuff that happened to his mother well I mean could talk about you know like epigenetics there something that happened to his mother while she was pregnant with him so there was it's never one thing okay there were a whole bunch of different things that's not the point that's not relevant what's relevant is he came to a point where he fell very low [snorts] um to the point like I said where he was unrecognizable and he experienced this really heartbreaking and it's just a it's a heartbreaking moment the way the the talmud describes it but he hears a Heavenly voice issue forth and it's speaking in the words of of Jeremiah the prophet foreign wayward children that's the words of Navi who's rebuking the Jewish people and joining them to return to Hashem so he hears a Heavenly voice say these words the words of the prophet of him except you everyone return it not you not so fast not you he said okay if that's the case if even having told me give up then I'm going to give up and then he doubled down and he really threw himself into his new life it's a very interesting explanation of this story from the the racist it's brought in the shalah there's a seemingly unrelated talks about etiquette it says everything that your host the the balabayas the the homeowner tells you I say you should do it say except for leave there's a lot of different explanations what does that mean like the balabas can't throw you out of his house then what makes him the balabas so there's different explanations it means he can't send you on errands he can't say yeah go to the store for me whatever that's not that's not the point the point is that there's a there's a gamada that says everything that balabayas tells you to do you should do except for leaf whatever it means it means says like this the balabayas of the entire world is Hashem so bias anything the owner of the world tells you to do abster tells you put on film The Amisha tells you to keep caution abstract says keep Shabbos I say you got to do it whatever it says you open up a code of Jewish law whatever it says to do okay Hashem said to do it you got to do it go argue there's one thing that we don't have to obey with the exclusion of meets a go say means go get out you have to obey Hashem anything he says any command except if he tells you get away from me so what was Alicia benavoya's greatest sin that he not that he couldn't touch over from let me correct myself that in actuality he didn't he didn't do children what brought him down what was his what was his undoing the sin that he didn't come back from and he did every sin in the book he did every sin in the book but what was the one that he didn't come back from the sin of believing that he was rejected by God so any other sin he could have come back from he actually could have come back from that sin although it's a little bit of a paradox how do you how does somebody who believe he's rejected by God insists that he's not rejected by God I mean that's sort of the nature of of that sin that was the one I mean that's why that's the one you once you're convinced that it's futile once you're convinced there's no point you're a goner you could do anything else and there's still life there's still hope once you believe there's no hope for you once you believe that Hashem doesn't even want you around that's it you're gone and here's what I want to tell you I never heard it explained like this maybe if I learned the richest more carefully I would find this is what he's saying also but I mean we all know on this part I'm not making up this is a known thing Alicia benavio was a very from he was a very religious guy he was he was more than religious he was he was one of the time he was one of the sages of the mishnah he was a big town I mean he has to put it mildly he was one of the great Sages hey it's like such how do I put this how do I put this if maybe if he would have been a regular guy he want the fallen so low if he would have been a regular guy maybe he would have sinned and got gotten back up but you see when you have religious programming and yeah yeah so you you think of things in a really holy way it's very holy it's very holy now when you fall in the name of Holiness I'm writing myself off you see it's like if he hadn't been such a sage maybe you would have said look I'm a regular guy what do you think I'm perfect I messed up let me let me let me come back but no it's when you're so holy when you're so religious quote unquote religious that you say you know what I am my own uh you know religious police over here and I am saying that this person me myself I am just too big of a criminal I'm too much of a danger to society that's it I have to be I have to be written off there's not there's no hope for a guy like me what I'm telling you this is not a theoretical thing I see this day in and day out day in and day out the more religious they are the more they believe God hates them you want to you know you want to borrow my phone you could you could you can answer my calls and you could see the area codes who's calling and what they call about I never put up a sign and tell everybody on your worst day of your life call Shay's taob when you're feeling guilty call Shay's top I never didn't know I never did but these are the calls I'm getting I want to tell you the script writes itself it's a classic script Jewish people who are who care about their Judaism people who are making sure that they're giving myself accounting making sure they're giving a tenth of their income to sadaka they clean out their whole home before PESA it would never light shabba's candles after the 18 minutes always you know with time extra time to spare very meticulous people very diligent and they're convinced that if anyone really knew Who I Really Am they would tell me there is no place for me in Judaism so I'm going through the motions [sighs] but I know already that I'm I'm cut off people live their lives like this decades decades people raise their children people have grandchildren you have Bubbies and zadies secretly believing that God has rejected them and the whole thing is based on a religious narrative the whole thing is very holy except that it actually flies in the face of everything that Toyota tells us who it doesn't matter what you do you still you throw you're still connected to Hashem you're still indispensable we still need you you still have a role to play you have a schlichus you have a mission in this world so this this is the first thing you know we got to call out the guilt we got to call it out we've got to call up for what it is it's not making people feel more connected to Hashem it's not people making people feel like there are more possibilities in their spiritual growth it's making people feel less connected to Hashem it's making people feel they have less possibilities or no possibility in connecting to our shop so if that's what it's doing you can give me all the religious arguments in the world that it's necessary and that it's holy and that it's you can you can quote me anything you want from any holy book but I see the results the results are not leading to more Mitzvahs the results are not leading to more avas Hashem and yada Hashem the results are not leading to a more joyous life the results are disconnectedness isolation self-loathing drifting away from Hashem so we have to identify it as the as as the evil that it is okay so Yom Kippur is coming that's why we're having this whole uh talk over here so what are we supposed to do what are we supposed to do Yom Kippur [clears throat] I'm supposed to go to Shoal I'm supposed to say no bagano and I'm supposed to pretend that anything's going to be different we all know it's a joke I did that last game Kipper so I'll go I'll go because if I'm not you know they're going to ask where I was or the very least maybe my kids will ask why I didn't go to show so I'll go but we all know it's a joke because I did this last year I did this the year before I did it the year before that so let's talk about it every single day three times a day we dominar diving the the prayer of 18 blessings now it's 19 blessings and we make with hashem's name that Hashem is forgiving that he has marble a Slayer he is abundantly forgiving you're not you're not allowed to make you can't use hashem's name in vain so what are we doing every single day three times a day that Hashem is forgiving if the whole things are farce so I want to tell you something this is if you want to see the source how this is laid out very clearly this is it's the third halek of Tanya 11th chapter the third hey look of Tanya the altareba explains very clearly it says first of all if you hurt a person and you go to ask that person forgiveness that person is obligated to forgive you come what above a comma says even if you cut off a guy's hand what are you supposed to do he cut off his hand you can't pay him back I mean there's remuneration that the court assesses but I'm saying you can't give him his hand back can't can't make them whole again okay you have to pay whatever you have to pay but now afterwards he did it you go to the guy and you say I'm sorry gemara says he has to forgive you and if you ask somebody three times to forgive you and they say no I can't do it now it's their problem you know the story about David America they didn't want to forgive they refused to forgive there was a violent attack against them and they didn't forgive for it said we shouldn't mix with them because one of the signs of the Jewish people is that they're compassionate and if they're they're so cruel that they've refused to forgive that uh calls into question their whole uh pedigree what I'm saying is when it comes to human beings Titus says a human being has to forgive I know now you're getting you're adding that to your list of things to feel guilty about all the people you haven't forgiven that's not the point here the point is that Toyota says that a person has to be forgiving no matter what you did then so Hashem who wrote this Torah doesn't follow the same rules I mean this we know that what Hashem tells us to keep are his laws so he keeps the laws and he gives them to us so that we can be like him so whatever he tells us to do is what he does so he tells us if somebody asks you to forgive them you forgive them you don't think Hashem is as forgiving as the Torah that he wrote tells you to be and to the contrary like the balatanya says that with the human being he has a finite amount of patience oh you again you're coming again you want to apologize again I'm kind of getting tired of this right a human being has a finite amount of patience but Hashem who is infinite I love the way the alphabet says it over there he says the attribute of compassion the Divine attribute of conv of compassion is one of hashem's and Hashem and his middays are one that's an interesting argument Hashem and his attributes are one and one of his attributes is compassion therefore his compassion is synonymous or identical with him and therefore just as he is infinite so too his capacity for compassion is infinite so the human being maybe they get tired of forgiving you even though they're required to forgive you with Hashem he's infinitely compassionate he's not going to get tired he doesn't get tired so you ask yourself how is it possible I keep asking over and over and over again forgive me forgive me forgive me isn't he tired of it yet why do you think Hashem is tired she's not tired Hashem has infinite patience infinite capacity so now you're going to say how dare I go to Hashem a name Kipper when we went through this last year a year ago I said I'm sorry and now this year I'm gonna go and I'm gonna say I'm sorry again so the alter never says like this he says oh boy you're coming to me that you're worried that you're a nud neck because you came to Hashem a year ago [laughter] something doesn't add up here we go to Hashem every day three times a day so you're worried that you're a hypocrite because you you went to Hashem a year ago on Yom Kippur and that's what's troubling you what about the fact that we go to Hashem every day three times a day the only difference is the author ever points out is that the daily asking for forgiveness is uh like the the the the thrillers correspond to the uh to the carbonus to the to the offerings in the in the Temple and so the tummy the daily offering was to atone for the omission of a positive commandment and for avedis kamurais for grave offenses of a negative nature so that requires Yom Kippur but the the mechanics are the same the mechanics are you go to Hashem even though you've done it before we've been here before we this is eerily familiar right deja vu all over again here I am standing here again how can we be standing in the same place same script same words same feelings isn't it a joke and we're saying it's not a joke it's not a joke so you're going to say hold on a second hold on a second I'm a scholar here or I play one on TV and I'm going to get I'm going to give you a religious argument that this doesn't work because always the religious arguments it's always the religious arguments I have a religious argument that's not true it's not true that you can go to Hashem over and over again you know why because there's a concept I say just talk about this that call me anybody who says ACTA I'm gonna sit and then later I'll repent sin now repent later he will not manage literally will not come to his hand to do chova so hold on a second I know a thing or two it says that if you do a sin having in mind that chuva is always a possibility then trova will not work for you anymore so therefore Checkmate we shouldn't ask Hashem for forgiveness the whole thing's a joke how to learn he heard of this kamado before he says you want to know what that's talking about that's not talking about a person who keeps messing up who's struggling with the same thing over and over again that's natural of course people struggle with the same thing over and over again it's a process it's called a learning curve of course we do Trove on the same stuff over and over again of course day to day named Kipper to Yom Kipper we find ourselves working on some stuff that we thought was in our past and it came up again I'm still I'm a work in progress I didn't finish this process yet I'm still alive I'm still alive I'm still growing that's a lot different than somebody who at the moment of Temptation you know what Oscar Wilde said by the way it's not a good person to follow his advice but yeah he had good one-liners he said the best way to get rid of any temptation is to give into it okay that's not my advice to you but anyways call me amen anyone who says let me sin and I'll repent later you know what that's describing like I'm not just talking about a person at the moment of Temptation he was weighing his options he was saying really I shouldn't do this ah but I just remembered something there is a backup plan called chova I got chuva in my pocket now I'll go sin now we messed it up now he messed it up because there is a concept that ain't could take a nicer snagger that a prosecuting attorney cannot become a defense attorney so what did he do he took the concept of chova itself and used it to placate his conscience to get himself able to sin to talk himself into doing a sin he was on the fence and he said ah you know what you know what tips the scales in a negative way God forbid the idea of chova has convinced me it's okay let me go sin so he used chuva as the argument to get him to sin now chuva has taken on a role in his life of a negative thing because it got him to sin now later on he wants to use that same concept of chuva to return so it says I'm sorry sir in your case I'm a prosecuting attorney I'm a witness for the for the prosecution I cannot be a witness for the defense so he used trova itself to embolden himself to sin that's what it means and by the way you know what the out that says and even if you do that even if you do that and it's bad it's bad it's bad yeah we're all admitting it's bad but even if you do that you could still do true of it from that too no the gamada says you can't says aim not speaking the other you can't hold your horses doesn't say you won't do trova ain't my speaking to your day means it won't be convenient to do Jova a situation a slam dunk opportunity will not present itself see normally Hashem is constantly giving us easy opportunities but if a person misused trova to be his to be his uh to be the The Tipping Point to convince himself to go ahead and sin so now in my speaking it's not he's not going to manage it's not going to come to him a uh a convenient opportunity but the alphabet says if he'll go and look for a chance if he'll push the issue and he'll say you know what I know Hashem is not going to make this easy on me but I'm going to go and force the situation I am going to find a way to do shovah for sure he'll be able to do and that's what that's what the words mean the words mean all he did is he made it harder on himself later to do children which makes perfect sense by the way think about it psychologically you know if you [sighs] if you numbed yourself to the whole concept of Jova by cheapening what chova is by employing it in your your your scamming and scheming mentality so then it's very hard later on to respect Jova because you already proved to yourself it's a joke but if you'll decide to take it seriously and realize you know what I can't really ruin Jova Juma [laughter] is Jova I didn't ruin it I maybe cheapened it for myself but okay I'll I'll I'll I'll reappreciate it then of course it'll work of course it'll work there's an interesting uh is an interesting concept here and and I just want to go one level one more layer one more just one more layer deeper and and that is not only is there nothing that can stop us from returning to Hashem but on a deeper level the whole notion that there's anything in between us and Hashem is is an illusion it's not real the problem is that we don't know who we are and if we knew who we were if we had our identity clear we would realize that nothing can interrupt nothing can get between us and hasha there's a there's a there's a verse it's impartial but it's talking about the relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people you know the chosen people chose God to be their God so the old poem how art of God to choose the Jews not so odd the Jews chose God so it started it's talking about chosen people they chose Hashem so Hashem is using this word I mean the major domain is speaking actually is part it's it's safer at the bottom it's participate so mesh is speaking but he's speaking about the relationship between Hashem and the Jews he uses this term he says Hashem who you chose translating it chose chose is not the best translation the distinguished designated set aside and then hamarta means you chose Hashem chosu anyways Rashi sometimes he helps us with words that are unfamiliar with uncommon words in in Biblical Hebrew and he tells us there that this word I mean the the etymology you would think it's like related to speaking out of memory Amira speaking it's not he says no it has nothing to do with that he says but it's not a common word in Biblical Hebrew we don't have a we don't have an easy parallel to usually when you're when you have an obscure word and you want to figure out what it means so you find a similar word somewhere else and you compare it and then by context you figure it out so he says we don't have we don't have another word like that in in Tanakh he says but basically it means separation it means Russia it means when you separate or designate you make something unique so it means that Hashem designated the Jewish people for a special relationship and the Jewish people designated Hashem for a special relationship he says however he says but if you want to know if there is a similar similar word says oven the Sinners gloat the Sinners take pride in themselves the Sinners are proud of themselves it means Pride so it means we're proud of Hashem Hashem is proud of us so this is a bunch of questions but I'll just tell you too the question one of the questions is first of all why did Rashi tell us that we don't know what the word is and then later on he finds a comparable word to heal him apparently there is a a word the other thing is I mean it's not a bombshell question but it's just kind of weird like the word means chosenness the word means special unique relationship and the one context he found for is a really negative verse until where is lamenting how the Sinners are gloating are proud of their sins that the Sinners are proud of their sins like plus hey what's going on here it's just a little bit unsavory it's like you couldn't find a nicer verse so that explains it like this he says you have to know who you are you did something you shouldn't have done it okay it's not you it's not you I know that's like nowadays cancel culture right everybody gets busted at some point they're gonna dig into your Twitter and they're going to find something inappropriate you said 10 years ago 20 years ago right and then what is the if you have a publicist what is your publicist going to tell you to say when you get busted you're going to say those comments are not a reflection of my values this is not who I am right that's that's what the publicist tells you to say this is not who I am right I want to tell you something you sinned we have it on video everything's on video no I don't mean just because they have uh video cameras everywhere in New York now I mean peer Kay office says Hashem has everything on video and audio everything's recorded sinned we have the evidence we know you did it you can't deny it and I want to tell you something even so stand up and you say with confidence it's not me what do you mean that's it you're on tape that's not who I am what do you mean it's not who you are that's you that's you an hour ago how can you say that's not who you are so here's what you have to understand what is the special relationship that Hashem chose us for what does it mean foreign chose you designated you established a unique relationship with you Rashi says it means Russia means separation what does separation mean separation means that whatever you're involved in that is not consistent with your true identity as hashem's loyal beloved servant whatever you're involved in that is a betrayal of that relationship is not you you are separate you are intrinsically inherently separate from it it's not you did I do it yeah I did it but who is philosophical but who's the real me the guy who did that that's not the real me you want to see the real me open me up dig inside go deeper find the real me you know what you're gonna find you're going to find Hashem that's the real me we have a technical term for it we call it means Oneness it's the deepest level of the Soul it's not even a level because a level implies apart it's not a part it's the essence the essence of who you are and that is Oneness means one one with Hashem we talk about nephish which is the level of the Soul which animates behaviors and ruach which is the energy behind our emotions and nashama which is the energy behind the intellect is a spiritual energy that gives us our spiritual life our capacity for for altruism and self-sacrifice and then there's the fifth level which is not a level which is which is the essence and it's Oneness with God so in Kippur is the day one time a year where we dive in five times each time we dive in corresponds to another level of the Soul a normal day we access three levels we dive in three times so we can access that fourth level of we access the level of level and what does it mean to access the level of that means like this [clears throat] I'm not denying it happened I'm not denying I was there I'm not denying that the guy looks like me I'm not denying he was using my body and my energy and and and and when he did the sin he was burning calories from The Breakfast that I ate yes I admit it all that's not me I'm separate from that so that's what it means that the relationship between you and Hashem is one of Separation what does that mean in part what it means is you are separate from all that stuff that that happened on a level of nephew of ruach and shama even higher you're separate from that that's not you you're already you're above it you're above The Fray you transcended that's not you that never became incorporated into you it can't it's incompatible with your essence like oil and water it doesn't mix it never became you so the fact that you betrayed God we're talking about the before right to think about the greatness of God against whom we've sinned to think about it as a betrayal there's another whole level of this betrayal which is to realize that essentially any betrayal of God is a betrayal of myself it's not God wanted something and I wanted something different and I went and I did what I wanted instead of what he wanted that's not the true narrative that's that's the that's the facade that's the very superficial narrative it looks like that I get it I understand why it looks like that that's not what happened what happened is Hashem and me wanted the same thing and I'm the one Behind Enemy Lines he's safe I'm the one trapped here in a body with this voice embedded in my head which we spoke about before even gets to use religious arguments to confuse me and I messed up and I betrayed myself because that thing that I did is not true to me and to the extent it is not it is not true to me it is not me it is a betrayal of myself it never became part of me it never became incorporated into me and therefore and therefore you know what it is to me you know what you know what my you know what my attitude toward my own my own sins is you know my attitude is didn't change me never can't change me I can't touch me can't touch me that's what yahida means it didn't change me Hashem put it in my life because he wants me to create a very special kind of light the yes said that I saw that there's an advantage of wisdom over Folly like the advantage of light over dark so the simple meaning is I see light is better than dark okay does it take the wisdom of Solomon to figure out light is better than dark you know go get up in the middle of the night and try to go get a glass of water without turning on the lights you're going to realize light is better than dark so then there's another way of explaining No Yes means relatively speaking if you're in the dark then you appreciate the light okay that's a little bit deeper that's a little bit more wise but that's not what that's not even what it really means because that's only subjective that's well now I see because I was in the dark I appreciate the value of Life yeah but this the light is still just as bright just feels brighter foreign Sid this explains means the special Advantage special use of our special advantage of the special kind of light that comes from dark light that was fashioned out of Darkness so there's light light regular light and then there is special light that was made out of dark I don't think there's a physical parallel at least scientists haven't discovered it yet light that's made out of dark but imagine this room if all the lights are off you know hold up a light meter like the photographers have you measure how much lights in the room zero I'm sure it's not zero there's going to be something but uh you know at one time I wear night vision goggles an uncle who was working on a project for developing night vision goggles for the first Gulf War so in order to use them we had to go into the closet and shut the door because if you stand if there's any light it's too much light they don't work so so we went to the closet like a pantry the kitchen pantry and shut the door and then it worked he says you know how it's working he says this is a crack of light coming through the under the door so just a tiny bit of light then then you can uh then it works anyways so there's always a little bit of light let's say you turn off all the lights here in this room and we hold up a light meter okay so then you know there's very little light and then all of a sudden we turn on all the lights and we take a light meter we measure how bright it's very bright okay that's not what we're talking about we're talking about is imagine we measured the darkness and then somehow we were able to take that quantity of Darkness and transform it into light that the darkness itself not that the darkness is replaced by light the darkness is transformed into light so now we have the quantity of Darkness that is now light and now we turn on the lights so on top of it we have the regular light and we have the darkness which turned into light okay so what am I describing here like I said there's no physical phenomenon which is a parallel to it but psychologically we can all we can all relate to this there's light light and there's dark light the light light are the moments of your spiritual highlight film the moments when you know you did good and you're proud of what you did that's regular light foreign those spiritual Treasures of intense closeness with Hashem which were born at your lowest spiritual moment this is what our sages call the phenomenon of Zane kazakias that sins it's dinos by the way of sins and a lot of words for for sin in the Holy tongue as dinois means something you do on purpose it means a malicious a wanton sin I know it's wrong and I'm doing it anyway so the worst most egregious type of sin becomes like a merit you know who said that by the way in the gemara is one of the sages he himself was a balchova he had become a he fell very low he became a bandit he was a robber then he brought him back he saw his potential so he was a living embodiment that was his biography was dynast nasole kazakius that when you come back all the squandered potential it's not that you just stopped squandering it but you come back and you repurpose it and all of the experiences from previously in life all those low moments all the the moments of your greatest uh shame you you look back and realize hold on a second hold on a sec hold on a second is the purpose of religion that I should feel holier than thou that I should feel you know sanctimonious self-righteousness look how good I am no that's not the purpose of religion purpose of religion is to be close to God okay so therefore I should value anything that brings me close to God you want to know what brings you close to God I promise you doing something good brings you close to God and doing something bad brings you close to God now don't purposely go out and do the bad things because we already know about that right yeah purposely do it but when it happens that's yes that's the darkness that gets turned into light so this is what the rabbit says this is the the helix first Russia has to tell us that the relationship is separation not just Hashem separated you for himself but he separated you from all of that stuff that you were never that wasn't the real you were not involved in it it never changed you it never never touched you so you're separate from that stuff once you realize who you really are that you are uncorruptable not just uncorrupted you're uncorruptable to corruption it cannot happen once you realize that now you realize is right that was that verse where Rashi found in tehilam a similar word is we were saying why is he talking about Sinners gloating and being proud hidden message you know what it means it means when you can come to a point where you can actually be proud of the fact that you have an imperfect story that the pale oven that the people who got involved in sin can be proud of their story now it doesn't mean you have to rent a billboard and tell other people but by the way mostly only because you know that it's a Mitzvah to publicize who did Mitzvahs like when the rich guy gives money you put a put a plaque not for him but so other people will do the same thing right so we don't want to go around telling people about our Vedas because we might give them ideas even though we the chuva we're over it already we're it's behind us but we don't want to trigger anybody so we don't we don't go around bragging about it obviously not but this is what it means was the purpose of religion that you're supposed to feel like a holy guy or was the purpose of religion in order to be able to serve Hashem to bring value to Hashem to give nachas and pleasure to Hashem okay so I'm telling you something that the making up and the reconciliation that comes after apparent separation is also something that brings great pleasure to Hashem and truth be told it's the main bulk of what we're sent to this physical Universe to accomplish the main bulk of what we were sent here for is the the the work of dealing with temptation and and distraction like the the beditch of her one time he complained he told the ebishna he says what did you do you made the world in such a way that when a person wants to sin he looks walks down the street and he sees temptation and when he wants to do uh chuva he has to go read a book he should have flipped it you should have made it you walked down the street and you see ways to do children if you want to be tempted you'd have to go you know get a library card and go he'll go take out a book you know go research it right then nobody would sin if you know who you are if you know your identity if you know that the stuff that you are involved in was not you it never touched you it cannot corrupt you then what do you do with your story what do you do with your past be proud of it again proud doesn't mean you go around telling it to people but between you and Hashem you cherish that you cherish that because that's that's a real relationship that's a relationship where you realize nothing can separate us nothing can get between us why can nothing get between us ultimately because I am you and you are me so it's wild and you're not allowed to go purposely do it but how do you see the fact that you and Hashem are inseparable you are hashama sham is you how do you see that level of absolute of unity where we cannot break away from each other how do we see it by going through moments of spiritual bankruptcy and realizing even that can't separate us you know you hear this this way of looking at it you can even understand why it says in some places that comeish you know what it actually means another another shot that when a person learns how great Jova is he's going to purposely do evaders just so we can have an opportunity to the truth cards for Charlotte anyways anyone here needs to do that you [laughter] don't have what to work with already we have plenty of material I'm saying we don't have to go and uh and do sins in order to have what to do children with so what did I say at the beginning with 30 second version I don't remember exactly but it was something like that the biggest interference with our the relationship with Hashem is the the religious excuse that somehow guilt is is helpful or necessary and the sooner we can get over it get past it the sooner we can really connect and deeper than connecting we can realize that we're one with a shot we're truly one if you dig deep that's what Yim Kipper is Yom Kippur is coming in what 48 hours less than 48 hours we'll be standing here called nidre will be in that that Sacred Space at sacred time what's what's the message what's the message of of Yom Kipper you know the message is the message is it doesn't matter what happened none of that can touch you it can't touch you it didn't change you nothing can come between you and Hashem because you are one with a shot how would you understand what I'm saying here I'm not telling you you're all beautiful God loves you that's not what I'm saying I'm saying much more than that I'm saying if you dig deep enough and come to your essence in your truest identity you will find you are no different than Hashem so it's not just Hashem forgives you Hashem loves you Hashem will mend his relationship with you I'm telling you you cannot choose a relationship with Hashem any more than you can choose to be yourself you can you can be in denial of your identity just like you can be in denial of your relationship with Hashem but you cannot choose whether or not you are connected to Hashem any more than you can choose whether or not you are you that's what it means in essence essence means something that cannot change does not change cannot be any other way our connectedness to Hashem is our essence therefore anything that appears as less than connectedness is superficial is incidental will eventually disappear when mashir comes Hashem says I'll get rid of all the impurity it won't be left it'll be gone Without a Trace and the only thing they'll be left is the truth that we are one with Hashem so you're going to let your past you're going to let the lowest moments your shameful moments your cringe moments you're gonna let those tell you who you are you're going to let those Define your identity those moments are not your identity those moments are an opportunity for you to rise up and reclaim your identity and to say none of that is who I am it never was even even at the and as hypocritical as this sounds even at the moment I was doing it it wasn't me and I'm not saying it as an excuse God forbid to make anybody take sin in a in a Cavalier way but to the contrary to the contrary what I'm telling you is this is not to make people to to to be blase in their in their service of Hashem to the contrary what I see is that the reason people have a Cavalier attitude is the opposite they've given up they've classified themselves as failures they know that they're irredeemable and then they have a Cavalier attitude towards either Sky when you realize you're not getting away you're not getting away from him anyway you cannot mess it up anyway it doesn't matter how far you felt you cannot get away from him anyway he is you you are him you can't get away from yourself then we have some hope then we start to Value the good things that we're doing then we actually have the guts to make a New Year's resolution to try to take something on meaningfully I mean even if it's something small we got one day a year to remind us who we are so powerful one day a year and we're not lying to ourselves remember remember what it feels like to know who you really are and if the religious voice the sanctimonious voice comes to you throughout the year and tries to tell you anything different about yourself please identify that voice for it for the absolute foolishness that it is As Natural as breathing being one with Hashem is is our is our native state everything else it's an act it's a play we have one day a year where we're now we're not playing anymore and what happens on that day I'm talking about Yom Kippur where we are the the where I am who I really am what happens automatically the sins disappear because when I am who I really am the sins are gone because they never they never affected Who I Really Am please don't forget who you are please don't forget who you are and if you're a parent please remind your children who they are okay all right to everyone thank [applause] you