SIMHA Special Event 10/17/23

yes Steve go for it okay great um so I welcome everybody to um the zoom call everything about Israel um I just want to thank before we get started the ways team for their hard work throughout the year um Joby cavaso reenie San and joy Cohen for their hard work and of course the Sim team led by led by Rabbi saen um for all their hard work throughout the year and especially in crisis situations stepping up to the plate and and really being there for our community so kavo to everyone involved um October 7th 2023 is a date that we'll all remember for our entire lives it was a date that um the Jewish people once again were massacred because of our faith um our country our homeland was ravaged by Savages um people breaking into innocent civilians homes and you know everyone has seen all the clips so I don't want to go you know too detail into it but um on a personal level you know i' I've been struggling the last couple the last couple weeks or the last 10 days you know how did this happen um how could they how could there be people in this world that can do such a thing um you know all the questions that I'm sure everyone has been asking themselves of um how is this how is this fathomable how are we just supposed to go about our daily life knowing what happened um and I think those are all normal questions and you know fortunately enough we have a stupendous panel with us that um you know is experience in a lot of different fields and will help navigate us uh you know us as a community and us as a um as a Jewish people through these tough times um so before I hand it off I just want to say on a personal level um I'm extremely extremely impressed and extremely proud to be part of such an amazing Syrian Community um I think the work that we all that we've all done um is truly exceptional um I I walk out of my house with my headset held up high knowing that I'm a part of such a beautiful Community whether it's uh all these different business business is mobilizing together and sending goods and and shipments to for the soldiers of er Isel or whether it's people donating money or people flying to Israel and and being on the front lines or it's people giving their planes and giving their businesses to those that need it from Israel to bring them back to New York or is or it's the schools mobilizing and and and creating all these drives um young kids old kids grandparents parents the whole Community for the last 10 days has been all hands on deck and um I really really appreciate you know just everything that we have as a community and I think we should all be so proud that we are h a part of such an amazing bunch and great a group of people and that goes for the syan community and Kel so that's Jud on a personal level but I want to now introduce um the clinical uh therapist for who's done who's done an amazing job for Simka and ways his name is Dr Eli Mand so Dr please take it away thank you Stephen um yes um this has been a very difficult time I think for the community for Amel and difficult on multiple levels um but of course we're at at simha we are really trying to work and tend to the mental health needs of the community and we're so glad to partner with ways um with a great new Young organization um to deliver those Services just to say a little bit about s um stands for the spartic initiative for mental health awareness and we provide mental health awareness as well as mental health referrals to the community this s Community um I also want to take this opportunity to offer anyone in the community who is in need of any type of Mental Health Service whether it's a referral whether it's a you know brief uh support session we're happy to provide that for you um of course at no cost um and we will provide that information we'll put into the chat about how to contact us with that um this is a you know I think an important event and there's been many events I think in the community and many communities um in the Jewish World to try to figure out how do we deal with this how do we sort of make sense of as Stephen was saying this unprecedented horrific tragedy and and the continued um realities of being in war um with our brothers and sisters fighting in Israel not too far away and um I think we're you know the first we had last week was sort of the first sort of phase we can call the first stage of the shock trauma whatever word I think resonates with you um but we're now almost in this second phase the second stage in which we now are trying to live with the realities of War trying to do what we can to make sense of what we're going through and so that's what we're going to focus on tonight and as Stephen said we we have a great uh panel of speakers who are you know seasoned and have the expertise in so many of um areas that come up when we are deal tragedies like what we've gone through and the difficulties of of War we have Robie David Sutton we have Dr David rosemarin we have Dr G Pearlman and we have Dr schl Zimmerman and I'll say a little bit more about them as they come to speak but um first and foremost let we will start Robie David suon who is not only the founder and executive director of sim he's also the rabbi tourist center um along with raber and he has published a number of books most recently um most recently believe it's called The Art of being you so I would recommend everyone to get it so without further Ado Rob as we are going through this I am not a mental health professional obviously and that's not my job here but what I like to pride myself in is a concept called spirituality and mental health which means that we can use religion to help us in our mental health struggles and what are the struggles that are going on now um again these are things that I'm hearing uh in our office it's feelings of helpl helplessness feelings of Despair and you know there's a situation going on and what are we doing exactly and with time I'm also seeing people's feelings of guilt and shame like I'm not doing enough how can I sleep at night when people are suffering like this how can I go about my regular business when people are suffering like this so how do we uh deal with this how do we use our spiritual resources to deal with these challenges and if I believe that my actions arouse God Mercy that's a term that konish uses we have to believe that our actions arouse Mercy what does he means our actions arouse Mercy that means every time we pray every time we give charity every time we pack a package every time we say to helim anything that we're doing we're arousing God's mercy so we're not just sitting by and doing nothing and there's a concept we say in our prayers all we give strength to God and to understand that all the acts that we do have an impact we don't know we can't see what we're doing I just want to share with you one story that happened during one of the wars in Israel where the miva was in a uh bomb shelter and a bomb had a direct hit which would have blown up the entire building and the bomb landed on the building and did not go off and everyone was petrified when they heard the bomb go land and R schvit heard a lady whose husband had left her many years before and she said right before the bomb hit I forgive him I forgive him said who knows if this lady's forgiving her husband for what he had done to her brought about the saving of the entire Yeshiva I've heard currently that there are people that are haven't spoken to each other for 10 years that made up with each other because this is what we have to do during these times and one last point an important thing that we can do when we feel it causes God to feel when we feel the pain of others it causes God to feel we see that by mosh when mosh went out to his brothers everyone else and felt everyone else's pain God felt the pain and this is an important thing that we can do it's called no we can carry the load with them how do we carry the load with them that like I've said in other classes Ritson Cutler during the second world war didn't put sugar in her tea the wouldn't sleep on on a pillow we're not going to shut down we're not going to fast but we could keep them in mind when we're doing things and the little things that we do like that that arouses God's mercy that's why we shouldn't be feeling feelings of guilt and shame because we're doing what we can do and anything past that those feelings of guilt and shame that's the atra coming in trying to beat us up and bring us down we have to like Stephen said we have to go through this with our head high in a positive note and believe what we're doing and this will bring the end to this horrible situation Dr um for those um words of inspiration um I also wanted to um encourage people if they have any questions um if they would like they can put those questions in the chat and if we have time at the end of the event we will try to respond to them um next I want to introduce Dr rosarin um he is the author of a new book called thriving with anxiety nine tools to make your anxiety work for you he is an associate professor at Harvard Medical School program director at McLean Hospital and founder of Center for anxiety he is a international expert on spirituality and mental health whose work has been featured in scientific Scientific American the Boston Globe Wall Street Journal and the New York Times um we will also put in his contact information in the chat as well so without further Ado Dr rosmer thank you very much um can everyone hear me okay great um so small technical issue up front up front um almost everyone has their screens off um we're all in this together so if you're able to turn your screens on even if you're driving even if you're walking wherever you are um I think uh it'd be great just to see uh a show of who is actually here otherwise you know then I get all anxious like maybe it's a bunch of Bot or you know people aren't really don't really exist um I'm kidding about that last piece all right I'm um I'm trying to uh turn on my video and it says the host disabled it well I can't help you there what do you mean so we I will enable it I will enable it go ahead The Hop the host will take care of that it yeah yeah so hopefully videos videos on and uh and audio off all right I am not going to say anything to make you less anxious I'm not going to recommend a single tool no tricks no tips to reduce the intense feelings of anxiety that we're all feeling I have a different recommendation entirely I believe that this recommendation is better than any anti-anxiety strategy or medication that might have we have to change our relationship with anxiety this crisis is only the latest message that we need to change our approach to dealing with anxiety enti entirely entirely we need a completely new approach if you zoom back what we typically do is incessantly seek to be anxiety free we even talk about anxiety as a disorder as as a disease we value happiness equinity we value peace we want to be happy all the time and we're very quick to pathologize to say that something's a disorder or disease when it doesn't give us emotional satisfaction or happiness if you go to a doctor today there were actually Federal recommendations that came out over the summer that every PCP every uh uh primary care physician should screen for anxiety and if you report anything less than anything more than sorry anything more than a little bit of anxiety that is a medical cause for you to get a prescription to medication today for you to walk out with Xanax in your hand now on the one hand this makes sense right because who doesn't want to feel calm who doesn't want to feel more happy who doesn't want to feel get rid of their anxiety who doesn't want to get rid of their sadness and reduce our emotional pain but on the other hand we have this incessant Quest for emotional peace that has increased the prevalence and severity of anxiety on mass the moment we feel anxious the moment our kids feel anxious we catastrophize we say something's medically wrong they are broken we are broken everything is you know gone to wherever it's gone we view anxiety we see this it's dangerous it's weak why doesn't everyone else feel this way and we get caught in this vicious cycle because the minute we start to feel anxious we perceive the anxiety is a threat so neurobiologically when you perceive anything as a threat you're going to have adrenaline dumping into your blood into your bloodstream adrenaline will pump out from your adrenal glands sitting on top of your kidneys perched ready for you to receive threat and if you see your anxiety as a threat you're going to get a shot of adrenaline guess what that does to your anxiety it'll make it worse the physical Sensations the heart rate increasing restricted breathing muscle tension stomach upset tingling in your extremities all of that gets worse because you just got more adrenaline and then the more you have those symptoms those Sensations the more you think oh now something's really wrong with me and that's the cycle it's a Cascade this is the main reason I believe I that this is the main reason why we have an anxiety epidemic today our culture has turned anxiety into something to fear and the moment we feel anxious we take this nose dive into the abyss of distress I am telling you something tonight that is very critical to know that anxiety is normal it is not a disease it's not dangerous it's not problematic if you're worried concerned apprehensive have dis quietude Panic once in a while that's expected the current crisis in Israel it is horrific it's horrific but it's just one example you all know what happened right we all know what happened 13400 now innocent Jews grandmothers babies heinous heinous atrocities against humanity atrocities that even the New York Times even the even the the New York Times recently said are so heinous that the the the worst governments today would never perpetrate them I couldn't believe when I saw that then open call for a day of rage against Jews around the world on Friday so yeah anti-Semitism is alive and well in case we didn't know now this intricate Dangerous Ground invasion you know attacks in the West Bank attacks in Lebanon Iran I mean you know mayor Adam said it best we are not all right we are we are not all right so if you're upset and your kids are upset then consider the alternative for just a minute would you really be better off if you didn't feel apprehensive considering everything that's going on would you prefer to really be less anxious the only other option seems to be to be an ostrich and just to pretend that everything is fine so if you are seeking strategies to feel less anxious and for your kids to feel less anxious stop you're going the wrong direction if I give you every tool that I have learned over the last 20 years of doing research of doing clinical work it wouldn't be enough it wouldn't be enough even before this it wouldn't be enough I think anxiety is something something that can help us to actually function better I get it nobody likes to feel anxious we nobody impr I don't like feeling anxious you don't like feeling anxious it's uncomfortable very uncomfortable but once we accept that anxiety is going to be part of our life there are many opportunities that we can use this for I believe anxiety can deepen our emotional connection with others firstly my anxious p tend to be more in tune with others feelings because they know what it's like they've been in the depths of Despair and they see other people's facial expressions other people's voice intonations they hear them they hear the language they're tuned into their body language a heightened compassion for empathy can not always is but can be enhanced through anxiety because if we've felt distressed it's easier to recognize appreciate and respond to the struggles and pain points of others and relatedly if we want to supercharge any relationship speak about what you're afraid of talk about your anxieties especially the men by the way and especially the Syrian Men by the way you have feelings to admit it and talk about what's on your mind your vulnerabilities most times many times I should say we pull back right we start to feel anxious and we pull back you know might even drink something try to get the feelings down squelch them certainly not talk about it it just makes it worse lean into the anxiety use it don't distract yourself from it speak about it I'm not a rabbi but Rabbi Sutton I'm sure will tell us D what does say tell it to someone use your anxiety to connect with someone else take your pain and rely on others it doesn't have to be everyone it doesn't have to be on your Facebook it doesn't have to be in social media but you know if you just look in the in in the Torah we have you know what's sitting shiva we're essentially in morning now what's sitting shiva being surrounded by your community to process your grief and speaking about your feelings in the current crisis I am a very strong proponent people need time to talk talk about what's on your mind at least with one or two other people it doesn't have to be with everyone and not in a shallow way really get your feelings out there I feel scared I feel angry I feel sad I feel however it is use that language and see how you can deepen your emotional connection and your intimacy with other people there's something very special that happens when we support each other in times of Crisis but that only happens when we actually experience the crisis in the presence of each other the goal here again I'm not telling you to feel less anxious exactly on the contrary take the anxiety embrace your feelings and use it to connect I'll give you one other strategy harness the anxiety for spiritual growth Rabbi Sutton talked to us before about how spirituality can help you with your anxiety I'm going to tell you the other way your anxiety can help you with your spirituality now according to psychological science the main cause of anxiety is that you when we can't tolerate uncertain things when we need to be in control and we need to know what's going to happen if you're able to accept the unknown you're not going to be as anxious and that's exactly why we're so anxious today because Israel has extremely sophisticated technologically advanced right a border fence that didn't stop anyone the hostage trious unresolvable without significant casualties it seems It's so challenging to accept that our sense of material security and safety it was shattered if you're not anxious now you're probably not tuned in to what's going on spiritually speaking though the current crisis is highlighting something that we all know in our hearts we all know in our hearts this that yes we have to do our best and yes you have to put your best foot forward but at the end of the day we're very small and we're very vulnerable there is so much more that we don't know and that we cannot control than what we can the vong one of the greatest rabbis of the last Millennium at least in the asazi world um taught us that a field must be plowed before seeds can be planted if you just put seeds on a field that's not plowed they'll Blow Away In The Wind you have toow it and so to the heart's shell must be broken with intense emotions intense emotions haros before Rus before before spirituality can take root he similarly stated that the main stay of prayer theara is tears over the past week I've been crying my eyes out I've been crying my eyes out because I have a very palpable sense that ultimately I'm a very small person and I need God I just need him to help me and yes I'm going to put my best for forward and yes I'm not going to do anything stupid but at the end of the day at the end of the day we just we all need him if I shied away from the anxiety right now I'd be missing out on the spiritual opportunity to embrace my my small place in the universe and to recognize my limit as a human being and to make spiritual meaning out of this crisis now that's the opportunity and that's what I think we need to do I think we need to lean into our anxiety I think we need to use it and when we do when we do we see that there's a power here there's something amazing here to keep us connected to others and to keep us connected to Hashem let's take the opportunity thank you very much thank you very much Dr rosmer good dear friend of mine if anybody wants on the chat uh he just put out a new book the link is there and uh I think everyone would gain from it especially this in this these times times that we're in Dr Ellie you're on yes thank you also Dr osar um for those you know insightful words and and for your vulnerability um you know I think it should be a um sort of an example for all of us how what leaning into you know our fears our anxieties how we can allow us to be more connected you know to to the people that we need to connect to during these difficult times so thank you for your words and your vulnerability um I next wanted to introduce uh Dr AA proman um on topics of abuse addiction trauma and fellow traveler for those suffering in silence um he has educated more than a thousand from social workers from our community and is currently serving as professor at wz Walla School of Social Work he is the clinical anxiety staff Wellness Center a clinic which serves the Kish community in Williamsburg maintains a practice on Long Island where he resides with his wife tomorrow and children Dr pran thank you so much thank you thank you Dr rosemarin it was really anytime I'm in the presence of men who know how to cry I feel like I'm at home especially in moments like this and I really appreciate you asking people to turn on their screens largely because this is a moment like you were saying of togetherness of unity and I think we need to see one another we need to encounter one another another we need to take a brief moment to experience what it's like to be a part of this beautiful people to be a part of a nation that we rise up when there's a moment of struggle there's a moment of loss we use that as an opportunity to grow to discover something new within ourselves and being here with you all is is a dear honor it reminds me of a great contrast my I think it was my first or second day of of internship and my training to become a therapist I was working in a locked psych psychiatric unit on Long Island uh Hillside Hospital and 9911 happened and the towers are coming down and I remember the experience and observing it from the inside and the outside like seeing how people were responding see what it means to be a person who's struggling to begin with and then to encounter something tragic like that and the one thing I noticed very quickly is that most of the people uh most of the patients that were there it immediately became about them it became about their inner feelings they weren't necessarily leaning into what was happening they were trying to Shield themselves and protect themselves from the new reality that just set upon the whole universe at that particular moment and the contrast of that moment where literally they were throwing out Xanax and Adavan at everybody because they were just having a really hard time but looking at our people and our response we go through a tragedy we go through something where we don't we're in the middle of it you know when you talk about trauma trauma is something that you almost always reflect on later on and say how did didn't how did an experience impact me how did it affect me because I couldn't truly integrate it into my system but over over here in this particular moment we're in the thick of that trauma yet to see our response to see us as a nation come together support one another do everything we possibly can to provide a camaraderie to provide a a friendship to provide vests I even had a client the other day literally they're trying to ship tanks to erell they need a particular type of vehicle and he's working on it with some other friends we're talking about millions of dollars and they're literally working on it they're trying to find a way to get a particular vehicle to the other side of the world and they're this close to doing it and I truly believe as I sit here today that they'll get it done so it's just a moment to say that yes we're in the thick of something we're in the midst and the grips of a struggle but it's wonderful to be here with you because it represents what we we are as a people we come together when we're in a state of struggle and we find a way to Rally behind one another and give each other strength and your presence gives me a great deal of strength and I imagine everybody else who's here as well and something to know I like that Dr Roseman were saying I I think today for the first time I felt All Cried Out I started virtually every appointment I had all week with I apologize in advance I'm here with you and my heart's open to you right now but at the same time I'm also with my people and I'm also with my nephews that are on the front line about to make their way into who knows what they're going to have to encounter in that experience may God watch over them and my children my boys were learning in erell um and they're there and they want to be there and they want to fight their way of fighting is saying I'm in this land and I'm learning with my people and it's my way of giving back and that's our people but the one thing we need to know that there's a range of emotions and that they're all okay let's just start with that we go through experiences of fear we go go through anxiety we go through the unknown um and just to let allow ourselves to know that it's okay to be in such a space and we know kazal says like is a time for everything there's even a time for rage there's a time for anger there's a Time For Fighting there's a time for love and peace as well and this is a time for all of the above and we need to join our people in that experience by being right there um and it's a frightening moment for all of us but we know in general when when life gets really frightened Ing and scary we tend to have two two distinct reactions one is what we call anxiety Dr rosem was talking about it where we're primarily facing the unknown it's a fear of what might happen next the possibility of additional suffering and loss of life and anxiety is to a great deal an experience of uncertainty it's unknown and our desire to Shield ourselves from the unknown another another reaction that we have to adversity in moments like this we speak about trauma where we're needing to integrate a new reality up until this moment right before this happened we lived obviously we know that certain realities exist in the world but we live with some degree of Safety and Security we try to create that for ourselves and it's important that we create that for ourselves we need that not only for us but also for our families and our children um but when you have a moment like this where there's a new experience that we can't thoroughly or fully integrate into our system it sort of goes into overload and Trauma is Loosely defined as an experience that you can't fully integrate into your system one way or another it's beyond you and then you have that lingering impact of that and when you think about most of us what we've seen we've all seen things in the past week or so that we can't unsee and it's something to really consider that you have experiences that it's so far beyond us it's so profound it's so distant from anything that we know anything we'd want to know that when when the dust settles and we have to think about how are we going to integrate those memories or what we saw into our lives um it might be really hard for a lot of us we're going to talk about a little bit of the research um shortly on that um and I know but not only the videos that we see but the experiences that we're having I happen to be a big fan of a of a therapist he's actually not a therapist he's a doctor Dr Gabor mate from Canada and he's someone who's informed so much of the way I see the world he's had a profound impact me as a person I've reached out to him a few times seeking guidance and perspective and a good friend of mine sent me a video of Gabor speaking about this particular interaction and obviously unfortunately he was a survivor of the Holocaust himself but his feelings towards the state of Israel and their reaction and towards our people are largely negative beliefs that I have a very hard time joining and seeing and here am trying to integrate even that on a basic level how do you make sense of the the world that you wanted to see and all of a sudden you're encountering it in a very different way um and trying to make sense of that reality so what do we do with this trauma that we're experiencing how do we ultimately Shield ourselves from it I wanted to speak about two particular studies maybe we'll throw in a third if we have point it's ironic that this study um really comes out of Israel a lot of the PTSD studies come out of Israel primarily because it's an entire nation living in trauma so anyone over a certain age could could generally speaking qualify for some of the symptoms of PTSD when you're dealing with things like you know bombers and certainly an experience like this but they had a study which I think that the points that we could extrapolate from the study are things that we could take a moment to think about where they had soldiers in the Army after they experienced some type of Crisis they experienced uh their own um danger their own harm physical harm or the harm of someone that's a part of their Battalion so they have an opportunity that they give them the Army gives them two different options they say you could either stay close to your group you don't have to serve you don't have to fight at this moment but you're going to stay on the base you're going to stay with your unit whatever we want to call it or you have the opportunity to go to a hotel go to a spa take a moment collect yourself gather yourself and be in the experience of of what we would we would consider some degree of healing and I think for most of us after we go through a hard time we experience something rough we we think about that idea of I want to disappear from from life a little I want to go away pamper myself rejuvenate discover myself but they followed these people for an extended period of time and they wanted to see which group of people did better and overwhelmingly the group that did better were the group that chose to stay with their unit they chose to stay with their team the primary reason why they did better is because they stayed and they engaged and they connected and they did what we're doing right now we're in a state of struggle yet we're choosing to say I'm not going to isolate I'm not going to be alone I'm going to lean in and connect to the people around me they got to process it they had a chance to mourn with their brothers and primarily they remained in the fight they remained a part of the experience of giving and doing and being a part of something that was beyond them I know this past Friday night we have all these conflicting emotions that we're battling what we hear and what we experience and what the world that I have neighbors that that I'm not sure if I could trust and that's a terrible experience to have and I remember I was going to uh I was going to Friday night to process a little bit I walked over to my sister and my brother-in-law and we laughed and we cried and we disagreed but at the end it was just a deep Embrace and we both acknowledged to one another like we just needed this we needed this experience to be here together because it's us engaging in in in in the moment there's there's a story I have a sister out in uh the gush it's her son it's her son that is serving on the front lines it's her son-in-law as well one son is uh just so brave these are just kids they're little kids and they're so so brave saying I'm just I need to do what I could do for my people and they don't hesitate and they don't pause and that too is something for us to learn from but my sister is one of the tougher people in the world that I know um what she could handle what she could internalize is just Beyond me and she's been a part of the kadisha in for many years her and her husband and she was called upon to do Taro with many of the Mason many of our sisters she's primarily working with women and and at some point she was describing to me what she was what she was seeing what she was experiencing and I at some point said please I can't I'm not going to be able to unhear this at some point um so I I'll be with you in the experience but I can't continue to hear the Gory details of what it is that you're experiencing on a daily basis but what she turned to me afterwards and she said I want you to know Ki I could handle this for whatever reason Hashem gave me the strength the ability and by doing this I actually feel like I'm contributing I'm giving back I'm doing something so I think the lesson we take away from this research from the lived experience of this moment is do connect raise money do whatever you can to give to others use this as a moment to expand your heart expand your ability to to engage in this moment and not run from you there was another piece of research it's slightly not fully contradictory but a little bit uh different from this idea but it's research that emerged after 911 where they looked at who are the people that really ended up having the PTSD symptoms later really struggling with what it is that they saw and they experienced and what they found is that when people spent a great deal of time and I think we have a need to do this we want to make sense of what's happening around us so we try to observe we try to watch things we listen we're incessantly looking at the news and it gives us some degree of power of Mastery over the unknown that we're living in in this moment and what they found is that people who spent a great deal of time looking at graphic imagery and saturating themselves in that experience they were they were more likely than another group that didn't do that to experience uh symptoms of PTSD afterwards and I think it's again there's overload when you when you saturate yourself in an experience it sort of leads to some form of Overdose where your body can't internalize it like we said before trauma is Loosely defined as an inability to internalize what's happening to us and we can't process it and when you take all this information and you overload your system with all of it then ultimately it's just a we overload our our whole system and it it becomes a really hard time we struggle with integrating that um and and we need to be slow we need to take it slow with what we see with what we interact with uh and not overload our system because it could those extra images the things the extra information could be really hard to integrate even in the moment but certainly in the future as well I just want to share I think it's important and there's a lot of guilt with this here being in America there many books written on what it was like to be an American during the time of the Holocaust where they experienced when they found out what was happening they largely didn't know uh at least the Germans they were secretive a little bit they had some degree of Shame with what it is that they were doing as opposed to the the enemy today that they have no shame they want to send it out all over the world and let everybody know what it is that they're doing um but we need to find a way to be okay with our Humanity in this moment to say yes I still need to have dinner at home I still need to be in a relationship with my loved ones with my family and my children and we have to fight off some of those feelings feelings of guilt that we might have that we're not in that fight we're not in that same place but at the very same time we need to live and we need to create an environment that is comfortable for our kids so they feel like they could ultimately communicate with us I just want to end with with one story uh about my sister again she was doing at tahara uh the other day um and they have a room I guess it's prepared for people they know the emotional overload that they go through and she's doing this toara and at some point she had to take a little bit of a break um every once in a while she was just breaking down emotionally so they have a room where you could go and recollect yourself again and she walks into that room and there's another woman who's sitting there and she sees a stack of pizza boxes and her immediate reaction is pizza like what we're thinking about food and we're eating and then she looks to the other side of the room and she sees there's a woman who's also doing tahara eating a slice of pizza and the woman I guess saw in her face she saw in her reaction in her eyes her discontent or her distaste for what she was observing in that moment and the woman like turned to her and she said I I feel your judgment and I get where it's coming from I too I'm struggling in this way um but at the same time they took away they took away so much from us they hurt us so deeply we still need to eat and if we are eating we still need to find a way to enjoy what we're eating that's our job we need to live but we connect and we give and we contribute and we continue to give back in the best way possible um and before I just turn it over I just I think it's really important we need to always remember that our kids our kids are always observing us they whether or not we're communicating with them directly they're always observing our reactions and and we need to find a way to give them a platform where they could begin to express their inner World a safe place for them to let us know what they're experiencing what they're going through um and aside from that if you're having a really hard time um it's it's it's important to to show them morning what it means to be in a state of struggle but if you're having like a really challenging moment where you're not connected to yourself and we're overwhelmed take a moment they don't necessarily need to see every experience that we have because it certainly will overwhelm them give them an opportunity to express themselves in a safe compassionate environment that truly understands them and uh so give them an opportunity to be but I can't tell you what it is for me to look at everyone's face here and to feel connected Ed to my people to our people and to know that we're not alone in this moment we're together and we're strong and we're contributing and we're giving back and our faith is deepening and that's our role in this particular moment and it's an honor a dear dear honor to do it beside all of you thank you very much for having me thank you thank you very much P thank you Dr provin if anybody wants to chat questions to uh myself or I think Dr manam you can and we will forward them to the uh at the end to the final speaker yes so it's it's the final speaker um is Dr schi zman um he will be responding to I believe some questions that already have posed to ways and so we've gotten these questions through ways and stepen asra so he will be responding to those but just to introduce uh Dr zimman he is a licensed psychologist who founded and directs child adult Psychological Services which is a multidisiplinary group of mental health practice he's also the director of the rabinal clinical training program at simha he's the author of the book from Boys to Men guiding our sons and students in the ways of kadosa he's a renowned speaker consultant for many nonprofits Child Development education Abuse Prevention and Trauma he's Al also the cheer of am mud's Advisory Board and chair of Megan New York's Magan cheer of Magan New York's clinical Advisory Board um and he is also a little bit about uh Dr zimman he also co-founded congregation sons of Israel where he served as president gab for 12 years his hobbies include reading full asleep while watching documentaries um he and his wife live in Queens and are the parents of five unique and precocious children Dr zimman unmute unmute thank you so much Dr mandle Bam um is the format are you sending me in questions am I going with the previous one sent how would you like me to right now I think go with the previous one sent and if as anyone sends me some I'll send them to you okay so one of the first questions that came in was how can I stay aware of what's going on while also taking care of my own well-being and I think it's something that we're all grappling with and I think the second half of the question is is really the compass first start with your own well-being you know how how do you do um are you what we call an attender who needs a lot of information are you a distractor you do better when you don't see so much um you have to know yourself and your system and you have to do a deep dive internally to figure out what am I doing and why there's a tremendous human need to feel like we return other speakers speak about a sense of control but it's really a pseudo sense of control um I'm not the head of the IDF forces but you know for my early check-ins with the news you would think that I I need every moment to moment updates because like I'm controlling soldiers on the field when the truth is what what am I doing why do I need all this information what's happening oh I'm feeling somewhat out of control I'm feeling like I need to know what's going on it gives me some sense that I I refresh the page and I and I got the latest update but it the truth is I have no control nothing is changing because of my looking or watching if anything I'm either getting distressed or what we don't talk about much is when you look through a lot especially very disturbing things sometimes you get overwhelmed the flip side though is you can become very callous and disconnected when we see a lot of things that we can't process and we don't slow down we actually disconnect ourselves and that is a very scary process as well because on one hand we we're here because we want to be as Rabbi said no we want to attach to the feelings but the flip side of that is sometimes when we're doing this we're actually pulling ourselves further and further away I had a a a very disturbing uh session earlier this week where actually one of my clients who extremely uh anxious um was actually when Israel and one of the things he was relatively calm about though was when he told me that he was you know seeing a lot of the imagery U it had just reminded him of playing Call of Duty and that's a video game that's quite graphic and he had been so exposed to violent imagery that that didn't cause any anxiety because it's just I've been bombarded by this stimula and it's a very very delicate balance and a very tricky thing that our eyes are what allow us to apprehend the world and on some level that's our means as the rabbi quoted moshu himself was living in paro's Palace he was okay but it says he went outside by he went to see their suffering and some of the Rabb asked you you know if you're going up in in Hitler's uh Mansion um what do you have to see you know there's a holocaust you see it day in Day Out but what happened in order to see he didn't need just his eyes it says he putting his eyes and his heart to feel their distress so sometimes we use our eyes and then we connect deeply to ourselves we connect deeply and we put our heart into it and we are connecting many times if we just use our odds without um putting our heart there we're actually disconnecting ourselves and we're exposing ourselves to horror and either we're going to get overwhelmed or disconnected so we need to really figure out I want to stay involved I want to know okay how often do you really need to see the news for that and what kind of news do you need to see to satisfy that but take care of your well-being and as you heard Dr rosar and Dr pran talked about the goal isn't necessarily that I should be okay we're not okay now sometimes we need as Rabbi son said to not put in that spoonful of of sugar into our te just to even remind us and sometimes we need to connect and we need to feel with but in a healthy way where we're bonding and we sense the pain but not to try to feel the pain sometimes we seek out this horror as if oh they're feeling overwhelmed in catastrophe I want to feel that that's not what a healthy empathy and support is right the stories said is putting the tee to help you see it's not all the same but my goal isn't to feel overwhelmed the the our brothers and sisters in Israel don't gain anything by us feeling overwhelmed P the SD or stressed out they gain tremendously when we have some connection and compassion and we're a unit and we're doing something to demonstrate that on an emotional level and then obviously when we're turning it like we heard practically into something where we're helping whether that is spiritually um my audio is shock not much I can do about that if it's is my audio still lousy yeah hear you it's a little choppy but it's okay we hear you you okay um if it goes bad I'll use a different device you let me know so the The crucial piece there is I want to feel with and do something constructive and I think one of the incredible things that we're seeing is people channeling instead of being defeated knocked down depressed we're all getting up in our own way and part of the battle whether that's saying something Hill them whether that's sending a donation uh and for many people we have to remember this that part of the battle is they're trying to terrorize us and disrupt our lives and so a lot of times we want to do something for Israel but we have to remember we all have our responsibilities and they come first and foremost to our immediate family and sometimes you going putting away your phone and sitting down and playing Lego with your kid is the best thing you can do for the war why because it's exactly what who wants us to do this little child who's home who havn't had somebody to play with who senses that all the adults are tense and frustrated need somebody to sit down and play leg and when you do that as son said that causes compassion on high and there are so many videos and other things going around and that's what so many of the soldiers want us they want the they want us to live live our lives they want us to to go forward and that's the real uh way that Jews and really healthy people throughout history have always done this we we fully Embrace and acknowledge all the tragedy and all the feelings and and we heard about grieving and mourning and loss but it's always with the focus on going forward and we rebuild and I assume most of us here are either grandchildren or great grandchildren of those who either went you know in the Syrian Community through expulsions through countless Middle Eastern countries including what happened in Syria and those of us on the ashkanazi side whether it was the Holocaust or the Communists we're here unfortunately we know post-traumatic growth in our bones in our DNA most importantly in our soul and we can continue to pick ourselves up and go forward and if you look at what fol has been doing over last 10 days uh there's a reason that there's there's one nation in this world that's called cherol there's no people that can handle stress and pain and torment like us and we just need to keep doing that um second question that came in was for those of us who were there for the holiday how can we move past the trauma of the experiences and I think that what we're even that same thing that Dr Ros said is sometimes we want to move past you don't move past trauma it's not like it just goes away and it's done and it's in the rearview mirror a healthy person integrates their experience you feel it you experience it but you don't hold it tight you allow yourself to experience it fully and you do something and you share that as you heard and for some of us you journal and you write about that you talk about it you paint about that you about that you find some way of allowing it to hit you and move through you not get stuck in you and then what you're able to do is take it with you and some other study Dr Dr PE talked about a few of them but some that lead to post-traumatic growth are when we look at an experience and we can a identify in what ways am I safe now in what ways can I be safe and I live my life and we can remind ourselves and ground ourselves in the here and now that thankfully those of us here are quite safe but one thing Dr rosarin really hit on is that especially for those of us as Jews when we just try to hold on to sense of Safety and Security I have my beautiful home maybe one in Brooklyn maybe one in deal I have security system knif cameras the Israeli Army has border fences and the best technology in the world that's a pseudo sense and then when it it gets pulled out from under us sometimes our whole world collapses and one of the things that we have to our advantage that you have to use this in a healthy way is a sense of when we treat anxiety we accept the possibilities of bad things happening so for normal people They have to accept yeah the world happens we can accept that but know that nothing is random everything is divinely crafted for us and that while we're small as you heard Dr Roser so eloquently said on one hand I can feel so small and so tiny but if I can really tap into that smallness and let go of my ego and what I put together to hold a sense of control and can say nothing happens to me that a doesn't want that a doesn't allow if we can tap into that for ourselves and our children we can give over a sense we don't have to be so afraid and you saw some of these troops who were about to go into Dr pran said something that unfathomable they have no idea and they're singing they're not scared not because they're stupid and foolish they don't think that there is going to be booby traps and and and close combat and get get get shot at and who knows what they're attached to a higher Mission and one of the things that we talk about moving past trauma as Jews we integrate trauma and we don't move past we grow and we take that and we say I have a higher Mission how I look at some of these 18yearold kids who are going on front lines with smiles on their faces and I'm like oh gosh I'm stressed I have so many talks after this week what the heck because they're tapped into a mission from on high they're going much bigger they sense I'm needed I have a purpose I'm small but I'm part of the most important puzzle in the world to bring light into the Dark Places I'm here and that the more we tap into that we have a mission it's much bigger than us I'm a small integral piece and the biggest Mission God's mission to bring light into the dark places to fight evil that can really help us Propel us forward and rather than feeling small and shriveling we can actually open ourselves and expand and grow the third question that was posed to me is I guess a very human one it's when will this end and even after it does how can we move on emotionally and and I can just send somebody sending that you know I can empathize with the humanity um we all want to know when will it end and I certainly one thing I tell people that they don't give you grate school that much I can attest to and I don't no humans know when and how this will end and I think that's the hardship where again we're trying to get a sense of control and as you heard we have to embrace the fact that's not my role that's forgotten what is my role what can I do even after it does how can we move on emotionally I think it's a similar thing I think so often the natural human instinct is to try to put something behind us somebody told me mosha Weinberger said you see the unity you see the comaraderie you see the love you see the connection you see the the the doing the learning don't let mesiah slip away I I don't think it's about moving past I think that would be an epic tragedy for the Jewish people if we just moved past this we've had too many times in our history where we moved past and maybe we didn't take those lessons and I think it's crucial that we make a pivot here mayor Lao who was the chief aseni Rabbi in Israel former Chief Rabbi himself a holocaust Survivor said many years ago tragically as Jew we know very well how to die together it's about time we learn how to live together I think what we're seeing this week is the beginnings of that and eerily similarly the closenberg Rea who lost his wife and 11 children in the Holocaust he said something incredible he said there's one thing he misses about the Holocaust he says that when they were on the death marches everybody's head was shaved there was no hair you had no idea if somebody was they were keepo wearing they weren't keepo wearing they had p no pis lfish P they were all there in unity and he say on those marches the only thing wasn't matter what kind of Jew you're Syrian you're Ash you're SP here from there every single Jew huddled to close to another one held them tight Tred to share their warmth so that together they can get through that March and even after the war and even after rebuilding this community and setting up San hospital and everything he did he missed that this is an opportunity for us not to move past we always want to move upwards you heard it from Dr croman you heard it from Dr Rosman you heard it from RAB s we're seeing we're seeing Our Truth we're compared to an olive unfortunately when you squeeze us is when you get the best out of us we don't do so great sometimes when we live in the lap of luxury and comfort and we're flying our private jets to our vacations but it's not we don't always see the best of us we have to take from these experiences this is the best of us look around what you saw this week in response to tragedy and horror where they're parading the pictures to the media where people are supporting absolute terrorism barbarism that is unfathomable what are we doing we're lighting up the world in every way shape or form with Beauty with light with empathy with compassion with spirituality with connection to ourselves connection to others connection to God now is our time to be the light unto the Nations we can't put our heads in the sand and pretend there isn't darkness that is unfathomable a lot of times we try to be secure we say no it's all good and we get into they're misunderstood no no no God created evil darkness and he put us into evil and darkness which is brutally hard to shine light to be a light and when we do that in the darkness then Hashem acts as our shadow he will do that to us and hopefully to the world and will experience the ultimate life Dr man you're sending in a question yeah I think thank you um we've got a number of questions unfortunately we don't have the time to answer all them so I guess we'll end one final question one that I can say that I've gotten a lot from my own clients my own practice I've gotten for clients at simov um that people I'll read the question verbatim I feel ashamed for struggling with my regular stuff while there are those people in Israel who are dealing with so much bigger things and you know I know something that we are all aware of um in the field is how during times of Crisis often the things that we're already struggling with are are becoming exacerbated and so how you know to sort of speak to maybe those thoughts and feelings of shame I think it doils with exactly what I was just saying God doesn't need angels He has plenty of them on high he created us not just with darkness in the world not justas Darkness he created us with this Darkness evil there's Blackness inside I don't have to shy away from you I don't have to run I can know that that's exactly why I'm here I'm here to have smallness I'm here to have hatred I'm here to have jealousy I'm here to have anger and frustration and then the same way we're talking about a little tum a little donation a little love I'm supposed to do the same thing in embrace the darkness don't run from your Darkness no who created your Darkness we just read in said keep told when he created the why because it's the way we become Godlike if God if we were just good there's no morality in that there's no courage in that there's no growth you're stagnant you're an angel but Angels don't grow and they are further from God than we are what makes us Godly what makes us the of the Nations is because in me I have absolute Darkness the goal of thear making me feel guilty and ashamed of that the real goal is to integrate that fully embrace it say but I'm not going to fall prey and even if I fell prey five minutes ago now I have a chance I always take one tiny step towards the light towards the power embrace all of your humanness Embrace every aspect of it when you're feeling like you're doing something small when you're feeling you're involved in something Petty accept it don't fight it and turn towards where can I grow where can I be a little bit bigger a little bit more filled with light a little bit more connected a little bit more honest a little bit more kind a little bit more confession a lot of times guess what that's got to start internally because a lot of it is beat yourself up okay look what kind of Jew you are you're so disconnected you don't have enough compassion enough feeling there people dropping dead babies B that and the other thing look at you you're busy with whether your coffee was hot enough in crawfords or not human have that and I also simultaneously have this love and connection in my heart and this again showed us the depths of that why do I care why do I want to feel attached to people 6,000 miles away who I have no connection to no because I feel it in my Essence they're my brothers they're my sisters we're one people with one Mission and so the more we Act actually embrace our humanist that's what we're here for and when the closenberg re was saying what he missed he wasn't saying I can't wait now that everyone's gon to be when may was saying that we know how to die together it wasn't some Epiphany wow we're all going to look the same white hat black hat we di IND all that way but we're going to be a family we're going to be connected we're going to say you're my brother and sister no matter what I'm going to be connected with all of my darkness I'm going to connect to you with your darkness and let's grow and share some warmth let's share some comfort let's share some compassion and empathy and support and let's go bring light to the world let's go show the world what does it mean to be God's chosen people yet we're chosen for a brutally difficult Mission harder than the god of mission we are chosen to bring light into the darkest places to be filled with dark and light and to integrate that F if we do our little steps which again is only the way it looks down here you say oh so I didn't put sugar in my coffee or I didn't do that extra thing or I said a little for it's Smo you don't realize precisely because of all the darkness internally when you do that you have no idea what light it creates on you have no idea what light it spreads through the world you have no idea what it means for the world to see that in response to barbarism what are the Jews doing there isn't a place that will accept anybody from G where two million Refugee who's taking them nobody we have Jews trying to figure out how to get a tank to Israel you heard Dr pran said right we're sending supplies we're sending everything we would Embrace we would The Plaza Hotel was rented out so that Jews from the south and fill right we're doing everything in our power nobody will take aaz an in look at the contrast you're not small you're not insignificant you're a small piece of a puzzle but this as aay bger saidah we're tasting msia don't let him slip away don't feel insignificant don't let it slip away your D your learning your your mothering your nurturing your connection your optimism your hope your absolute conviction not to full prey to Terror to smallness but to be big to tap into on high I am a soldier I'm a soldier in the most important army in the world and my general is God and he created me and knows every aspect of my human he loves my human he Embraces my human he wants me to love and embrace my humanness and the humanness of all those around us and when we do that and we continue to set spread that light we're going to experience the ultimate light with the coming of M amen thank you Dr zimman for that really powerful ending um I want to thank everyone who joined us here tonight um Rabbi Sutton um Stephen azra for partnering us the Way's organization um Dr rosar and Dr pran Dr Zimmerman um I guess just some you know just to to sort of put it all together Dr Ellie I just want to make a thank you to our uh office manager or uh havea greenberger for all her hard work today and the whole week setting up this uh beautiful event yes thank you she's often behind the scenes of of everything that happens you know at Sima so yes thank thank youa um I I also want to just reiterate we posted the simha information if anyone wants to connect with us we're happy again to connect you with any um Mental Health Service in addition to that we are also offering um consultations for support for any type of help that you need during this very difficult time you know I think something that was touch on a number of times is you know two mistakes I'll call it two normal mistakes that we people often make during difficult times one is they judge themselves they attack themselves um they think that they're doing something wrong that they shouldn't be feeling the way that they're feeling one beautiful line that I've heard from a number of people um is that there's no abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation this is not a normal situation any response you have is okay don't judge yourself be kind to yourself the other mistake that people will make is in times of difficulty we turn away we turn within we may isolate we might withdraw again it's a normal reaction and what many of of the speakers have shared tonight is to do the other thing to lean into it to connect to use what you've experienced as a way to feel more together and to feel to share the burden to sheare the pain and and that ultimately will lead to not just just the processing of the event but also to Greater connection and and and hopefully to the coming of mhia um with that I I want to end and thank you again and this um this event will this recording will be available on our website um which again is uh I posted the information semi health.org um thank you again everyone and have a good night be be safe thank you thank you everybody thank you thank you very interesting than thank you thanks