SIMHA Event 11/21/23 - Full Coverage

good evening everybody and thank you for coming out in the rain the day before thanksgiving's travel and all all the stuff that went with it there's a fire and all the craziness that's going on in Brooklyn tonight um so I want to thank again I want to thank you all for coming here's our host and Hostess uh idb Bank sponsored the evening so thank you to them so tonight the the topic and subject we're going to be on is is anxiety stress and what's going on in the world and you don't need me to tell you that what's going on is horrific what's going on is beyond difficult um I've never experienced anything like this in my life and um the the amount of uncertainty is incredible and I I think like anxiety and uncertainty really go well together or get locked together because we live in a world today where certainty is like where we want to be when I grew up how long it took to get from Manhattan to Brooklyn is how long it took no one knew it was 57 minutes or 32 minutes or 87 minutes and when is it going to stop raining in 17 minutes and and we get conditioned to be certain about what's going to happen in the next hour and we realize with the events that happened how ridiculous that is because we know that it's really not certain we know that what happened on October 7th through everyone for a loop Beyond The Loop threw everyone into turmoil took everyone's life and turned it upside down as we know it and that uncertainty of what happened to our people what happened to these hostages talk about uncertainty their families themselves the anxiety the stress the pain and suffering that they're going through is beyond my imagination um and at Sim we said you know we have to do something about it to bring together our community so they could understand that with all the stress and anxiety that we're going through that there's a way out or there's a way to manage it no one could say it's okay honey it's perfect don't worry you have nothing to worry about when my daughters came to me and said I'm nervous I'm worried you know when they've said it over the years my answer is always ah don't worry everything's fine well everything's not fine and it's a ridiculous position to say you have nothing to worry about I don't like the word worry I like to say there's nothing to be concerned about and there is something to be concerned about but we could be active we could be proactive and I've seen really a Jewish population that has done something incredible over the last 6 weeks we've ban together we've United like we never have before we've supported Israel Beyond financially we've I've worked with so many people that stood up and really came together and and and and performed at levels that I've never experienced in my life um tonight we we we we brought two doctors in and and our own very doctor Dr Mandel Bam mandal Bam and um they're going to speak to you about anxiety mindfulness and how to deal with it so um with no further Ado first I'm going to introduce Dr mandle bound would you please come up and uh he's going to address us and he's from SIM he's on he's running s he's our Clinical Director and we're very fortunate to have him he has a fabulous sense of humor I've laughed at exactly 10% of his jokes um but the last one I laughed at so he's on a roll so I'd like to invite him up with no further Ado Dr [Applause] [Music] M thank you Mark I hope to up that uh percentage not tonight though so no pressure um first I want to just say um how proud and fortunate I am to be a part of this great organization of Sima um I just want to publicly thank uh Mark as me along with iy towel Cynthia Casten um Michael Paul um we're missing Nathan Hoffman and Rabbi Sutton um who are you know the the board members of simab which is really uh amazing and Aug graia I'm sorry last but not least of course um and you know I think it's amazing to have this organization that really can identify the needs of the community especially in such trying times um as Mark said we are going through something now that we never have gone through before I I don't recall having this experience I guess 9/11 is the last thing I remember where there was so much fear and anxiety um now I'm a bit older so it's a little different and seeing at simha where we work with the community to identify the mental health needs and to address those needs by making referrals and connecting people with people who can work with people's uh mental health issues um we're seeing that people who have previously struggled with anxiety depression or whatever the mental health issue they have those issues have been exacerbated that's just the reality Co really increased a lot of the issues of Mental Health issues that were prevalent and what happened in October 7th particularly for the Jewish Community um there's been a dramatic increase as well and as Mark said there's so many different efforts have been made um and we as simow also want to you know share what we can provide for the community so what we do as I said we connect community members with mental health providers um the way we do that is by connecting with you so we are the first place you come we meet with you we get to know you we get to understand you we have an appreciation for the community and through partnering with us we will hopefully get you to the treatment that everybody deserves and everybody needs again during this very difficult time um if you look to your handy brochure um that should be on your seat you will see that there are two QR codes one is to join a support group and the other is to join a mon minute WhatsApp chat so in addition to the mental health referrals that we provide and that you can um always call us we're always available to uh meet with with you to make those assessments to provide those referrals in addition to that we also are offering now a support group that you can sign up with with your phone through the QR code as well as a mindfulness minute chat WhatsApp chat where um you will be able to get a mindfulness tip um I guess a daily mindist tip so anyone who's interested I would encourage you to to join those things um you know one of the things that we talk about with anxiety and and fear and uncertainty is the the need to connect with people and I think that is so important and I'm so glad everyone who's here tonight because when we're struggling we need connection we need connection most and so whether it's with people in the community whether it's um with with an organization like simha I would just encourage everybody to stay connected don't move away move towards each other the more we are connected one another I think the Sher we are um I'm now going to introduce Dr rosarin um David rasman PhD is the author of thriving with anxiety nine tools to make anxiety work for you he is an associate professor at Harvard Medical School a program director at McLean Hospital and founder of cender anxiety which provides services to over 1,000 patients in multiple States Dr rurn is an international expert on spirituality and mental health whose work has been featured in Scientific American the Boston Globe The Wall Street Journal of the New York Times Dr Dr [Applause] hi everyone thanks for coming I have a copy of my book here I'm going to give it out to the person who ask the best question wow is that going to make you anxious okay um s is a wonderful wonderful organization and it's a big honor to um be here you want me to tilt it down cuz it's in my face and you can't see it got it I need your help I got you thanks CU this makes me anxious testing testing one two three there we go okay um I want to level set so I'm here to speak about anxiety I have an office called Center for anxiety we treat a thousand patients a year I've been working in Harvard Medical School doing research on anxiety and other things for 15 years and I will tell you that I'm not going to give you a single strategy to Come Away with less anxiety tonight if you are looking to become less anxious then enjoy the sushi have a drink maybe the other speaker will be able to help you out but I am not your address okay for the next however long I'm speaking you're not going to get a single strategy no tools no nothing to be able to decrease your anxiety so I I see somebody in the back going like what is this like who what what was this person brought here for why is he here and why am am I here and that's a really great question and the answer is that I have a better a better strategy than getting rid of your anxiety I have something that's better than any anti-anxiety medication any better than any anti-anxiety approach better than any potion any bomb anything that you can see which will get rid of your anxiety in fact I am so confident in this I actually named my Clinic Center for anxiety and people said my colleagues were like Center for Anxiety Relief Center for anxiety reduction Center for you know anti-anxiety and no it is centerfor anxiety.org because we got that URL if I'm being honest but um but that's actually the message and at the core of what we do is actually to help people to use their anxiety to Thrive this is a tool it is an aspect of every human being let me show of hands who here in the last month has had no anxiety not a single you we raising your hand we have to talk we have to talk has who hasn't there's there's only two types of people who don't have any anxiety okay dead people if you're dead you don't have anxiety and people who are so narcissistic that you probably don't want to have a conversation with them if you're a psychopath you have no anxiety like you don't care at all about anything coldhearted murderer okay those are the two you're either dead or killing people everybody else is in the same group I think by the way is this moving it's like totally making me nervous no it's actually straight okay good but I'm in the C I have anxiety too as I'm showing you right now um now there are levels of anxiety granted yes there are levels of anxiety in fact I think all people with mental health concerns fall into four groups four groups and we go in and out of these different groups over the course of a lifetime but essentially the same tools the same strategies can be used irrespective of which group you currently fall into you want to know what the four groups are great group number one are people who are flourishing flourishing they're doing great business is great relationships are great they're looking good they're feeling awesome and that is the group I am the most concerned about Bar None Bar None those are the hardest cases the hardest situations to deal with usually their families are struggling their kids are a mess I the the kids of people who are flourishing oh my God watch out for them right the worst cases I've ever seen have are the best looking best educated um from the wealthiest families whose parents have no problems like God help you if you're from that kind of situation and never so nevertheless people who are flourishing still have a little bit of anxiety but typically what they do is they skirt around it they don't face it they don't pay attention to it they focus on their business they focus on their car they focus on whatever is going well in their life as opposed to the actual feelings that are sometimes creeping up at night time maybe during the daytime maybe when they're having a difficult conversation and they just skirt around it and everything's great those people definitely need to learn how to use their anxiety better I'll get to the current crisis I told you I would and I will this current crisis is how is I think the worst for people who are flourishing because all of a sudden all of a sudden they're consumed with lots of anxiety that they have had no experience actually dealing with because they're used to just moving around it not having conversations about the matter I saw this in my clinic at the beginning of Co it was an amazing thing and we're actually publishing a paper on it it's under second round of review I hope to see it in press soon but I will tell you a preview of Coming Attractions what's going to be and hopefully we're going to do a media blitz on it cuz the findings are unbelievable you're not this is going to knock your stocks off patients who had anxiety in January February and the beginning of March of 2020 and they came into my office and they started to get treatment when Co hit the shores of the United States and started to ravage our communities and we started lockdown and we didn't know and all the craziness that we went through those people who were in treatment beforehand did fine they were fine we did not see an uptick in their anxiety at the end of March now the people who were totally fine beforehand never had any anxiety never dealt or I should say never were in touch with their anxiety because we all had some of it never dealt with it in any way never had conversations about it they were the ones who emotions fell off a cliff at the end of March 2020 and continued to decline throughout they they yes with treatment all groups got better we did find that which is optimistic but nevertheless it's that flourishing Group which is I think the hardest one group number two people who are languishing languishing Adam Grant is a famous psychologist at University of Pennsylvania he put it this way people are feeling me they're like eh ambling along they're not like super distressed but they're not flourishing either this to me is actually a sweet spot and if you are languishing today consider yourself blessed this is about the best you could be as you know especially in the Jewish community in this period of History right now in you know November December 2023 after what we've been through I would say languishing is probably the best place to be right now because you're aware that something's a little bit off you're off kilter maybe speaking to some people about it maybe trying to find some ways to thrive but it's not out of control it's not something that's you know you know really uh really getting to people so languishing to me in some ways is not a bad place to be ironically then we have groups three and four who are distressed and severely distressed I'll talk about them together basically these groups are people who have significant distress or impairment they are clinically diagnosable if you will but there's no real difference you know there's no lab test for anxiety you cannot say this person has an anxiety disorder and this one doesn't interestingly um but there's a there's a clinical line there's a cut off where we say you know what this person could really use professional help this is where s comes in and really helps individuals to get to the right therapist to get to um some initial support some brand some some bridging to be able to decrease stigma so people can get help and severely distressed are people who need a lot of support you cannot if you cannot function day-to-day you can't do go to work you have to go to a you know residential facility a hospital these kinds of things that would be severely distressed those are the groups now people often ask me when I talk about thriving with anxiety and using anxiety to help you I'm really speaking about just groups one and two right and I'm not I'm not and I have seen people with my own eyes and worked with people who have distress or severe distress and by actually using anxiety they become more resilient they become stronger they develop better relationships they even grow spiritually and they move into a place where they are stronger having gone through anxiety than had had never been affected in the first place they become inoculated against it because they know how to use it in a constructive manner so I'm not going to lie to you I'm not going to say that you can get rid of your anxiety sorry I'm going to do something better and show you how to use it and I want to give a little bit of historical context first we need to level set in the United States of America in 2023 we live a really really really great life it's a great life throughout the world it's a great life yeah we complain about climate change and the economy and governments and but at the end of the day like here who does who in this room does not have one of these does anyone not have a smartphone in the entire room okay this can pretty much put you in Mars it's incredible what you can do with this thing you can contact people around the the globe in 10 seconds completely for free WhatsApp or whatever you can get information wherever you need it whenever you need it all those predictions even though they're always wrong which is a good point from before you were saying is there anybody in this room who does not have access to Medical Care who here in the last 12 months has not seen a licensed a licensed physician at all what about a dentist okay so that might be a little bit tricky but like having access to a dentist who here does not live within a 2 mile radius of death stre it's amazing who here you know we we travel on can't levered surfaces a a road that has an angle to it which is precise in order for water to be able to run off you know we complain that there is a big fire and and yes it's you know there was an accident it's a terrible thing at the same time like emergency responders are there taking care of it yes blocking the way and not a lot you know we might have affected the number of people who came tonight but but like at the end of the day these are incredible things like if you used to have a fire in the middle of a city 100 years ago that was 15,000 lives and six billion the equivalent of today of6 billion dollars of damage if you look at the 20th century World War I World War II in the United States Korea Vietnam the Cold War you know I wasn't around for most of that but like the Cuban Missile Crisis literally the whole world is almost blown to to smithin I mean these are massive colossal crisis and if you look at if you look at Israel interestingly they have been through 14 Wars 14 Wars since its Inception 1948 1956 1967 1973 and then other issues like what happened in Munich at the Munich Olympics The antifas Unbelievable I mean un you know terrorist activity has has always been the case now is just the next chapter let me ask you a question who do you think is better mental health in Israel where it's been concentrated or us over here in the United States where we haven't had any of these issues whatsoever pretty much to deal with except for 9 except for 911 when was the last time was a major catastrophe 911 and then Co which affected the whole world I mean yes there are issues there I'm not I'm not downplaying you know disparities you know I get it yes I'm not saying there's nothing to complain about you want to complain great just not now um but really who is had her harder there's no question our our our brothers and sisters in Israel have had her harder whose mental health is worse by Leaps and Bounds what's the percentage of Israelis who have anxiety disorder relative to Americans any guesses I might have a book for the person who gets it right it's not zero it's not zero 10% it's 10% it's not you think it's 10% so if it's 100 people there it's 10 there you know it's a little higher 20 30 is a good guess 20 is a good guess the answer is 25 but let's get it straight 25% the number of of Americans who have anxiety disorders which by the way is like 50 to 60 million us adults on every single year okay my offices are pretty busy in Israel the per capita percentage is going to be 25% despite what they've been through what is going on and the answer is they know how to use their anxiety isra know how to use their anxiety what we're seeing in such a massive way is people coming together people rallying people praying they're using the anxiety for Spiritual for Spiritual purposes but most of all it's also to build resilience who here has heard of exposure therapy oh it's the simha event and I have five people have heard of exposure therapy I have to have the conversation with Rabbi Sutton all right so I'm Glad You Came if just only for this you think you've heard of it sunlight sunlight no no no no no no not not not sunlight almost I think what you're talking about is like light exposure for people with Seasonal effective disorder close no cigar it's when you keep getting um exposed to something over and over again and you get sensitized correct it's exposure therapy is a way of dealing with anxiety and let me tell you what it looks like okay let's say you have have that's a good example social anxiety and you get really clammy around people and like a bit of that cotton mouth and you're like you know you don't feel you feel a little awkward you don't like to speaking to people in Authority you don't like speaking to making small talk with people it's awkward you feel uncomfortable so what do we have you do as a therapist we have you come up and give a talk anybody [Music] if you're socially anxious giving a talk in front of 50 people is like I'd prefer to die right it's like explosive and same thing let's say people are afraid of spiders so I literally have a guy on speed dial on my phone who comes in with tarantulas to my office and no I am not kidding un let's you're afraid of snakes it's the same guy he has snakes and spiders now we start off watching videos we start off with watch looking at pictures even watching videos looking at the behind cages but eventually like there is a tarantula going on your arm and it is you're like why would I do that it the reason the anxiety that comes out when people do this is so visceral it is so uncomfortable you can see them in the therapy room they're they're literally wretched they're like oh my God this is invelop in me I can't handle this it's like too much it's and then they come out of it sometimes to 2 hours later and they're like this is fine I did it and they're like playing with the spider I'm I kid you not they are playing with the spider it's not always as easy you know if people are afraid of driving through tunnels over Bridges we get in the car with them if people are afraid of flying I've done short Hall flights I've done Long Haul flights with my patients and we're not talking about using Xanax along the way right like like they actually face the fear what ends up happening when you take this approach is something called resilience I'm going to tell you a story about a patient I saw who became more resilient from going through exposure therapy she had obsessive compulsive disorder which is arguably an anxiety disorder in her case it was definitely anxiety she had some hypochondriasis she was very concerned about her health specifically she was concerned that she had some sort of issue with with her brain and we knew there was nothing wrong with her brain she had been to neurologist she had MRI she was fine this person was fine if I knew one thing about her brain it was that she had did not have anything wrong she she was concerned about having an aneurysm so what what she ended up doing was developing agoraphobia where she actually wouldn't go places and the reason why is because if she would leave her house then she would start to feel anxious and then she would be nervous that her blood pressure would increase and the aneurysm which is imagined would pop and then she would drop dead and that wouldn't be good so she wanted to avoid that so she ended up staying at home and her life became smaller and smaller and smaller At first she wouldn't go to friends houses then she wouldn't At first she wouldn't go there overnight cuz maybe she'd die in her sleep and then she just wouldn't go during the day and then she wouldn't go to the supermarket and then she wouldn't go buses planes anything like her her life became she stopped dating this is a single girl she was her life became extreme extremely small because of her anxiety and I said to her what I'm saying to you now we're not going to get rid of your anxiety we're going to face it we're going to you know give you an aneurism and kill you no I'm kidding um but there are ways ways for her to think about it like watching videos of people who had an anism and reading stories about people who had anisms and going to Medical wordss of people who were going through brain surgery not quite like live but like you know going through neurology warrants and also she was terrified that if she slept overnight in a place and nobody knew that she might die and end up in a city morg so for her graduation exposure her last thing of facing her fears she went to a different city paid cash for the ticket stayed in a hotel nobody knew she was there without her cell phone she said throughout the entire night she could not stop panicking it was one of the most excruciating anxiety experiences that she ever had okay she ended up saying I can do anything now I'm not scared because I know that if my anxiety gets super high I'm not going to squish it I'm not going to squelch it I'm not going to get rid of it I'm going to let it be and I'm not going to let it ruin my life because you know what this is just part of who I am the PS on the story she did get married she did get pregnant and she called me up with a very serious question in her third trimester they found something on the ultrasound in the baby's brain oh my of all people though this to happen to right and she's like I don't know like I'm having a bit of a hard time with this I'm like bit of a hard time with this are you kidding I'd be freaking out she's like I don't know like maybe I need more therapy I'm like you should be giving therapy lady like you are so calm how are you handling this she delivered they had life-saving surgery the baby survived and she Walts through it she Walts through it and she credited having gone through exposure therapy so I'm going to give you a couple of strategies to harness the anxiety today number one lean into it don't get rid of it don't distract yourself and that doesn't mean watching crazy things on the news all day okay 30 minutes a day is enough and 30 minutes before bedtime shot off your phone shot off your phone because you don't need to do it too much but if you're feeling uncomfortable let yourself experience it there were three or four times today where I got an email I got a message just before you know I was talking to my my friends over here I got a call from someone in my office who's like flipping out about something and I'm like you know it it just happens like it just happens accept the anxiety Let It Be don't try to get rid of it but for me it happens right here I felt like a pressure in my chest for the last 6 weeks because of what's going on and I'm not trying to get rid of it the more I try to fight it the worse it is let it be let that build your resilience the second strategy talk to people about it have a conversation when you do it actually increases your emotional intimacy with the person think about it who are the people you're closest to in this world the ones who you're having shallow conversations with or the ones who you can actually open up to when things are going bad if you have the shoulder to cry on do it it'll increase your connection with that person emotional intimacy is a function of and I know I realize there's a lot of men in the audience and this is kind of foreign I get it but like go there talk about what's going on with each other ideally with your with your romantic Partners if you're lucky enough to have one that's a second strategy to harness our anxiety in this day and age I I think the third strategy though and again these are not intended to get rid of your anxiety allow yourself to experience it don't fight it use it to connect to other people talk to them about it the third one though which is really what I wanted to sort of Riff on here for a couple minutes and then and then wrap up is our spiritual connection part of living in the United States of America is that and you really took the words like you said it so beautifully that we pride ourselves on having more control on having on minimizing uncertainty that everything we should know everything mapped out you know kids especially today young adults and teens their anxiety is through the roof through the roof because yes they don't allow themselves to experience the anxiety and yes they don't speak to each other except through electronic means which is not a great way to share your your actual feelings cuz you can just shut off the conversation if it goes badly but most of all most of all kids today think that everything should go well and the minute you hit a situation that you can't control and that you can't understand it's like I'm a failure something's wrong with me that's the perception instead I think we have to turn I think we have to turn to spirituality I think we have to turn to God and I've been saying this publicly to secular audiences in with the release of my book over the last several several weeks since it was released in in mid October that human beings are not designed to know everything we're not designed to be in control of everything that's not the way we are that's not our role in the universe that we were never supposed to be these omnicient omnipotent creatures that could just snap our fingers and get things done yes it's easier to run things today but that doesn't mean it's going to be simple and that doesn't mean there's a guarantee the fact that there's adversity the fact that things are out of our control is what makes us human I'll ask you a very simple question please raise your hands if you chose whether to be born okay if you chose when to be born or where to be born and which are the factors that impact your life more than anything else things that we have absolutely no control over you have a beautiful night you have awesome Sushi you have a gorgeous room and it rains and there's a fire and and and it's almost you know we do the best we can and the rest you just got to give it up and part of dealing with anxiety and this is what they do in Israel so much better than we do because of the spiritual zeist was of the spiritual culture of living in that environment of living in Israel living in even the Middle East certain that whole region of the world but certainly living in Israel it's there's such something special about being there and and having a sense if you've been there I'm sure many of you have you walk off the plane and you have the sense that like I don't have to be in control cuz like it's going to be okay we are struggling because we we don't do that we don't do that we don't live in that world but we can we can remind ourselves we can remind ourselves and we can use our anxiety to Parlay into prayer to Parlay into an acceptance of our limited place in this world and actually to not fight against it like we're doing which just makes the anxiety worse but to let go just to let go a little bit I know people are very concerned about anti-Semitism and people are thinking about taking off their yamakas and their their kot I should say there Z even from the doors and you know I'm not a safety expert so perhaps I'm not the right person to think to to to to comment on this matter but I will tell you that we should be asking at what point do we just need to let go at what point do we just need to let go and I'm not saying I would do things that are actually dangerous you know if there's a clear and present danger in front of you obviously don't do something but maybe the message I would actually say it's stronger I think that the message of the current situation and the message that we have of Co and same of 9/11 and same of all the issues that have we've experienced here in the United States and certainly throughout Jewish history has been that there is a power in letting go that's actually where we become strong that is our strength not just for the Jewish people but for hum for Humanity it's for Humanity that's what makes us strength when when we let go and we don't allow anxiety to be viewed as a disease when we see it as part of who we are and when we learn to thrive with it thank you very [Applause] [Music] much thank you Dr Osman for those insights I forgot to mention um that we will be having we're going to have a David Cen um could speak to us a little bit about mindfulness and anxiety um and afterwards we will have about 10 to 15 minutes of questions um if anyone has any questions I will direct you again back to that uh brochure the number we have on there you can text any questions to that number and we will get it and then we will then ask um David Co and Dr Osburn to answer those questions um so you can be anonymous or not but you have that option just to text it um um I have a little bit of a sort of drive or desire to lean into what they what Dr oser said and you know maybe sort of expose myself here and make some jokes but I'm not going to and that was a joke okay so I did it um I'm happy to introduce um Mr David Co David Co is a highly accomplished clinical social worker dedicated to facilitating healing and empowerment for individuals he operates thriving Private Practice where he delivers compassionate and evidence-based care beyond his private practice David assumes the pivotal role of Chief clinical officer and hope which is an organization working with victims survivors of sexual abuse David's therapeutic approach extends Beyond conventional methods as he seamlessly integrates mindfulness meditation into his practice residing in New City New York next to me alongside his wife and five Sons um David hi everybody good evening it's a pleasure to be here uh so first of all I just want to begin by acknowledging simha and Mark and my good friend iy and everybody else in the board Audrey um and Dr mandam for having me and um the evening is already bit a bit late um um take a moment take a moment what changed what just happened so everybody was sitting everybody was listening everybody was present in varying degrees some people might have been holding their phone some people might have been having a little bit of conversation holding a cup eating something thinking about what was just said or thinking about about 50 million other things or maybe shifting from one thing to the other to the other to the other this is perfectly ordinary this is what we all do all the time right so if we stop and we think about it all of us at every single waking moment of our lives are in one of three potential postures or orientations we could be leaning forward and I don't mean physically but I mean we could be thinking about something that's in the future this is where anxiety lives this is where worry lives what's going to happen how things going to be what's going to be with me what's going to be tomorrow what's going to happen with Israel we could be leaning uh in forward in another way we could be thinking about something we want something we're looking forward to I can't wait to be there I look forward to to dinner in my favorite restaurant we're leaning forward or we could be oriented backwards we could be thinking about the past we could be ruminating we could be sort of uh beating ourselves up I shouldn't have said it that way I should have handled the situation that way playing over in our minds some conversation or some situation that we've been in I wish I would have done it like that next time now we're going from backwards and we're going into the forwards next time I'm going to do it that way and the third possibility is to just be present this word mindfulness has become so popularized in recent times and it means a lot of things to a lot of people I'd like to avoid using that word too much this evening for the few minutes that I have with you but I want to talk about what it actually means and we could use words and words represent something I could say I'm depressed you could say you're depressed and we could mean two completely different things right I could be suffering from depression and I'm talking about a real debilitating condition and you could be talking about a passing emotion that you have that you refer to as how many of us have kids I'm starving I'm not starving but this is how they'll speak right okay so I want to get behind the word mindfulness for for a few minutes talk about what this is for us when I have I'm a therapist when these days when I begin sessions I'll say to clients as I always do how are you and people will say I'm not okay and I'll say I'm also not okay no one's really that okay these days the first thing to understand about this mindfulness thing is to appreciate and to have um an understanding for ourselves of what we're going through and what we're feeling and what we're dealing with fear is a very important necessary capacity that we have as human beings it's okay to feel fear it makes sense in this day and age that we're going to be experiencing fear sometimes or maybe more than sometimes and to be conscious of that and to say it makes sense that I'm having these thoughts and these feelings is a very important uh it's a very important component of what we call mindfulness in other words we need to be able to relate with our experiences or if we we don't what we do is we inevitably judge ourselves for it so now what we're doing is we're taking an experience that we're having which is unpleasant or difficult or painful or challenging and then we get we beat up on ourselves for it like what why am I why am I so busy in my head with this my friend seems okay why am I not okay like like he or she is um I had a better day yesterday why am I not having a day like I had yesterday why am I struggling today so what we're doing is we're taking a a a normal understandable challenge that we're having as human beings and then we're adding to our own distress by saying this is not okay we're not supposed to be having these thoughts or these feelings so the first component that I'm highlighting for us is to be able to appreciate that what we're thinking what we're feeling is okay it's not that it feels okay but like we're human this is what happens especially given circumstances and and and and world events so we normalize we humanize ourselves and appreciate like this I'm just a human being I'm struggling so when I say to my client I'm also not okay like who's okay these days uh the word languishing Dr rman used you know we're all to some degree struggling sometimes more sometimes less sometimes more consciously sometimes it's more in the background simmering for us and it's okay it's okay that we're experiencing this this way it makes sense given the realities of of our times I'd like to invite you to consider a time that you were laying in bed trying to fall asleep and it wasn't working or maybe a bit more unpleasant consider a time that you were struggling with some dental pain you were going to go to the dentist the appointment was scheduled but it wasn't you weren't there yet problem wasn't fixed yet or you're in the dentist chair and the dentist is working on you and there's some pain there's some dental pain so or or pick a different example pick something else um a situation that I share with clients that comes to mind is I accidentally slammed my file cabinet on my thumb once in my office there was no lasting injury but there was a few you know 10 to half 10 seconds to half a minute of some real acute pain in my thumb what's happening in those moments what are our options for how we're experiencing those moments I want to lay it out for you this is these are our options one option is oh this is not okay you got to fall I have to fall asleep I got to get up early tomorrow I I have to fall asleep so we're like willing ourselves into sleep as if that's going to work it's like saying uh don't think about a pink elephant right now you know um or you're experiencing dental pain I I don't I don't want this feeling I don't want that we're tightening up against it we're resisting that feeling so that's one posture and it's sort of reflexive if something is painful or something is difficult we don't want it so we're just going to be pushing away from it mentally physically distancing ourselves from it okay then there's another another way to be with this we think we're a bit wiser you know I have to let the pain pass so we we're going to sit with the pain we're going to sit with the discomfort we're going to we're going to sit with the stress and really what we're doing in the back of our head we're monitoring when it actually goes okay I understand that I'm having trouble falling asleep now so okay this is what's happening but actually I'm like I'm looking so so one of my phone it's been 5 minutes it's another 10 minutes now when am I going to fall asleep so we can fool ourselves into thinking that we're sort of accepting or allowing or making some space for our experiences but really the attitude that we're having in that moment is this has got to go and I'm just trying to sort of push it out of the way in this indirect way the third posture the third position the third option is to actually make space for whatever is present and this isn't always so easy especially when the experience that we're having whether it's psychological and emotional situational physically there's pain so we're not looking to have this we don't want it but if we push against it right if we don't have any sort of sense of acceptance that this is what's here now not because I want it not because I'm wishing it for myself not because I'm inviting it but simply because this is what's here now we're in this posture we're in this position this attitude within ourselves of resisting our experience it only makes it worse whether it's trying to fall asleep whether it's experiencing physical pain stress worry anxiety whatever it is so the other option is to really acknowledge that this is here and then as I said before if the situation makes sense to humanize that for the moment like okay this makes sense to me that this is what I'm having I have this dialogue in my head consciously I train myself I habituate myself to have this when I'm in some sort of stress or internal struggle with something that's going on in my life to consciously say my selft talk should be do do you understand why you're having this does this make sense to you is it understandable to put yourself into that posture of okay this makes sense in the context of what I'm going through in this circumstance in this situation whether it's my personal life whether it's a broader like a world event this makes sense to me and then within that position can I notice what I'm experiencing can I notice what I'm feeling can I acknowledge it to myself without that sense of pushing and pushing and pushing so what I'd like to invite you all to do is take a moment think about something that you can acknowledge in your mind you're grateful for it could be big it could be small it could be about the broader World it could be just about something that happened today in your day it could be something like you're grateful that the room is less chilly than it was before it could be anything big or small just take a moment to acknowledge something that you're just acknowledge some gratitude some some sense of gratefulness for okay now take a moment and and allow yourself to check in with yourself what are you noticing right now is it the feet in contact with the floor is a temperature in the room is it the sound of my voice or the silence the space in between my words just notice something that you can experience through your five senses whether it's the feeling of temperature it's it's the the sense experience of your clothes against your body maybe one hand is on your leg or one leg is crossed over the other just notice it now take a moment and notice your thoughts what's going on in your mind is there an overall sense of I'm just present I'm listening or there's a feeling of I'm preoccupied I've got a lot going on right now now in my mind it's hard to sit it's hard to just be still there's almost like an energy level that we can tune into when we notice our thoughts the mind could be calm sort of still it could be racing it could be roiling could be restless it's like the mind can have its own mood and now take another moment to ask yourself can you acknowledge something something else that you have gratitude for you can experience acknowledge but even if you're not feeling it but you can at least acknowledge something that you are grateful for maybe something else choose something else from what you chose before so I call this little exercise a mindfulness sandwich start off with something you're grateful for tune in to yourself for a minute end with something that you're grateful for this could literally take I know 30s seconds or you could sit for 60 to 120 seconds right but it doesn't take longer than that and practice this in the middle of your day maybe set reminders in your phone to randomly go off a couple of times in the day and just stop what you're doing for just a moment tune into something you feel where you can acknowledge gratitude for tune into what you're noticing in the body and with your senses end with something else that you could uh acknowledge gratitude for and then go on with your day so I teach mindfulness meditation and I sit in meditation for long periods of time once or twice a year I'll go on a 5 to 10 day Meditation Retreat where that's pretty much all you do all day is sit in meditation and I teach this to people who want to do this too just sit for long periods of time in in mindfulness I used to think that the more you practice this and the longer you sit in it the more you're going to have the benefits of that in your life I don't think it's so simple anymore these days I think that when we do simple practices like I just did with you and you pepper them in your day just a couple of times throughout your day literally a few seconds each one and you do this every single day you're going to get more from that practice than from just sitting once a day for 30 to 60 Minutes you're going to get more out of this little simple integrating into your life practice I want to offer you another one so this is a a sort of a variation on the one that we just did so we have the word stop st o p so let's use it as a nemonic s is stop just take a moment whever whatever you're doing take a pause T stands for take a breath take an intentional breath in breath out o stands for observe notice what's going on going on inside you just check out what it's feeling like in the body check out what you're thinking just notice your thoughts maybe notice your emotional state what's going on how you how how you feeling and then once you've acknowledged that P is proceed just go on with your day keep on doing whatever you were doing these little moments of stopping and tuning in and just acknowledging what's present and then proceeding with your day interrupts this flow that we tend to have of our habits of always being lean leaning into the forward or leaning into the backward or what most of us are doing is constantly rocking back and forth internally between the Forward Thinking and the backward thinking we're ruminating about something that happened we're planning or worrying about something that didn't yet happen and how often are we actually consciously intentionally orienting ourselves to just really being present now here's here's the little thing about this mindfulness that I want to acknowledge sometimes people don't acknowledge this enough I think it's important if you start becoming more consciously more intentionally present you're also going to be more present for what isn't so pleasant the moments that are feeling stressed or sad or scary or stressful sometimes people think that if you practice this you're just going to feel better all the time I don't think that's that's true you're not going to feel better all the time but you can feel more spacious you can feel more grounded you can feel more anchored within yourself like I can have the capacity to take in whatever I'm experiencing it doesn't have to rock me in the way that it used to there's actually um a gar and I also read it as a Buddhist proverb uh at one point and I was like oh that's interesting different different Traditions say the same thing they give the parable of a very tall tree strong tree strongest biggest tree in the world next to the tree is growing some grass when a wind comes what happens to the tree nothing the trees is unmoving so when the wind comes what happens to the grass well the grass bows and blows in whatever Direction the wind takes it and now imagine that the strongest wind the strongest storm the most powerful hurricane comes along what happens to the tree it uproots the tree the tree gets knocked down and it ain't getting back up it's down for the count and what happens to the grass the same thing that happened with the breeze it blows in the direction that the wind took it and when the wind passes the grass is up so what's actually stronger the tree or the grass we don't tend to typically see strength in that way but Dr rosar used the word resilience the ability to bend and to feel the bend and to acknowledge the bend the blowing of the Winds okay now is a stressful time in my life in my community's life in the Jewish nation's life there's going to be a lot of blowing and bending with the winds that are blowing if I attempt to say I'm okay I'm stronger than this I won't be affected by this it's not going to work and it it could be something just personal going on in our lives it's not going to work so the winds blow and we Bend and we get affected and we acknowledge the impact of how it's affecting us and we humanize that experience for ourselves we see it with understanding that this is okay this is normal this is understandable we don't beat ourselves up or judge ourselves for the fact that we're being affected or being impacted this sense of space that we're making for our experiences this is what we mean when we say mindfulness could read all sorts of books and articles and you know people talking about mindfulness this is it it's it's not a tech technique it's a spirit it's an attitude of how to be with ourselves in our own experience yeah so I want to leave you with just one more practice so if you're holding anything just put it down on the chair next to you if you don't mind keep your eyes open a lot of times people will practice mindfulness and they'll ask for eyes closed let's practice with our eyes open okay notice how you're sitting if if you have both feet on the floor or you have one foot crossed just notice get yourself comfortable take a moment now to acknowledge where you are ask yourself now what did you just think when you acknowledge where you are did you think about this this space this physical location did you think about this event ask yourself again where where am I right now maybe what comes up is a thought about where you want to be and it's not here that's okay just notice that maybe maybe I'm tired I want I want to be in bed I have something going on at home I'm it's on my mind right just just notice that what's it feeling like physically in the body right now just [Music] notice anything particularly that uh comes up any particular sensation or area in the body that's noticeable notice if you can feel the feeling of breathing right now and where you feel it how do you how do you know that that you're breathing right now how do you know physically you're feeling it over here maybe over here maybe you're breathing through your mouth and you're noticing it or through your nose just tuning in so we're so accustomed to doing something and fixing something and resolving something Dr rosar was talking about allowing the anxiety to just be as it is and appreciating what that can offer for us this is really the spirit of mindfulness just noticing what is becoming accustomed to noticing what is like if we don't do this if we don't stop and check in with ourselves we're not going to our habits of thought the way that we deal with life for better and For Worse we just keep on going just that way but take a moment and notice just take a moment and notice simplest thing in the world they say practicing mindfulness is simple but not easy there is an important distinction there it is the simplest thing in the world to just be present and notice what is it may not be what is may not be pleasant may not be so comfortable appreciate the noticing I on the way here I came in from New City so there was quite quite a drive I was listening to a podcast um this Jewish podcast called 1840 and they new episode he interviews a guy from Israel Rabbi donon Perez I think his name is originally South African he lives in Israel with his family I think he was in the news in the early days after the massacre he has he has two sons in the Army one got injured and the other one went missing he's Mia along with two or three other of of his of his troops still MIA they don't know where where he is what what happened there's no no no video no eyewitnesses and then in within a week or two weeks after that he married off a son a son of his got married and he interviews him about this this crazy paradoxical extreme experience that he's having of on one hand he has a child who's Mia has no idea where he is what's up and on the other hand he's marrying go another son how does he live with those two experiences what's that like on some much more ordinary mundane degree we experience those kind of extremes as well now obviously that's a pretty extraordinary situation and Circumstance it's worth listening to very powerful how he talks about talks about this he talks about how under theah his plan was he was asked how am I going to cope with this wedding he he said my plan was to not think about my son who Amaya during the wedding I'm just going to be here for my son who's getting married I'll be with the S I'll be with the joy I'll think about him when the wedding is over then the rabbi got got up to officiate at the and he started off by saying we have to acknowledge I think Daniel I don't remember his name who's missing who's Mia and everybody was crying and they prayed and then they switched gears and everybody was dancing and singing right sounds crazy but like that's really what was needed in that moment to acknowledge the realities of everything that was present on some level we have these types of extremes in our on a very ordinary level in our lives we experience the ups and the Downs we're in the joys of life and we're in the stressors and the pains and the challenges of our life and all mixed up not just in one day but in one hour not just in one hour but within one minute we could make space for it all by acknowledging it by becoming more present with it or we could be like I'm just holding on trying to not fall off the roller coaster here of life so really it's as simple as that taking a moment intentionally checking in with yourself seeing what's going on not by trying to fix it or judge it but just by taking it in and then going on with your life a couple hours later do the same thing I have a friend and who's a therapist he says to his clients if you do everything I say and it doesn't work I promise to refund your misery in full so I want to invite you to take this and make it into a practice a daily practice in your life and let me know in a couple weeks if you don't notice a difference a qualitative difference life doesn't change reality around us doesn't change this isn't some magical way of changing our life but our internal conditions the weather how the wind is blowing inside us are we attempting to just hold it or deny it push it away or are we bending a little bit more with it and what's that like like I invite us all to discover that thank you all for your time stay here if you would I don't know if they were able to text the questions but if you had do come up also um and uh we're going to do an open form let the people ask questions I'll ask either one of you uh how do I handle a loved one clearly going through anxiety but not realizing it themselves as they're not attuned to it they don't get it I'll share a thought and um Dr OS will piggy back on to this the first thought that came to my mind and I guess this is sort of In theme with my topic of mindfulness is what's it like for the person who's asking the question what's it like for me to be thinking about a loved one and concerned about them how anxious does that make me right what's going on for me I have five kids God bless each each one is healthy and beautiful in their own way but they all have struggles in different ways in their life right I could think about um one of my kids right now and some of the challenges that he's dealing with and I can completely forget about what's happening for me as I'm thinking about it I'm just in Daddy Mode right I'm just in parent mode and I'm thinking about my loved one what's happening for me am I aware about that do I have any sense that as do I have a sense of groundedness in myself and if I don't and I'm going to attempt to be helpful to the other person how helpful will that be in what way will that color uh how I might try to talk to them or approach this with them what will change if I'm able to be aware first and foremost within myself that I'm being impacted by this experience so I just first wanted to give a shout out for like just that awareness of even from the perspective of the person asking who's concerned what's happening inside me uh great thank you I am going to piggy back on that so if you're love somebody who's once you're clear on how that makes you feel it's important to express that to the person so there are different ways that people who are anxious manifest their symptoms if they're not Avail if they're not aware of their anxiety and don't want to deal with it primarily they either AO avoid or they they'll fight they'll either be aggressive or they will avoid being in situations it's the fight or flight response that's literally what anxiety does it'll make you more agitated more externalizing more boisterous would be to put it mildly and sort of aggressive or tough would be you know probably more accurate or it can lead to more meekness more avoiding situations I've seen P patients families where um a husband was extremely uh distressed by the fact that his wife had obesso compulsive disorder and really struggled with you know day-to-day tasks because she's concerned about germs she's concerned about hypocras she's concerned about all sorts of things i' I've seen situations where you know you have a man who's really uh struggling with anxiety um doesn't really want to deal with it can't work as much can't be you know isn't I should say is is struggling to work as much and to be optimally functional and and his wife is getting angry about it and what what has to happen in those situations is for the supportive partner to just say like this is what's I see going on and this is how it affects me this is to have a real conversation like this is hard and this is why it's hard as opposed to you idiot take care of this like what's wrong with you that never works with people who are anxious but speaking from the heart once you're aware of it that can make a difference even then it doesn't always cuz sometimes people just don't have the wherewithal right now to deal with their anxiety and we have to accept that that's where they are but at least speaking from the heart maximizes the chances of getting the response that you want because I wanted to give my answer that's okay um the first part is Kima that's why we're here true um the second part is you know I think you know there's a a metaphor I think people use a lot is you know there's this fight between the wind and the Sun and said who's stronger the son says I'm stronger says no I'm stronger so they say okay let's see let's have a let's have a competition let's have a test you see someone who has a a jacket on and so the sun says you go first tells the wind the wind says okay and the wind starts blowing and the person who has the jacket on starts you know maybe buttoning the jacket starts blowing even you know stronger person starts grabbing at the jacket well is even strobing the person's tying down a rope putting that jacket on as tight as possible and the son says Let me give it a shot Sun starts shining shining and shining and the person takes off the Jack and so you know I think the metaphor metaphor what it symbolizes is that you really to to fight someone to push someone to go against what they want is often ineffective and what is more effective is how do you meet them with warmth how do you sort of show compassion how how do you meet them where they're at so they can't acknowledge they have anxiety okay well can they acknowledge that they're not sleeping well can you tap into the parts that they can align with how do you partner with them like Sim house tries to do with people and try to partner so that is my answer to that question but I I will say it is really really difficult when you're watching family members who are struggling um I will say that's one of the most difficult things that I see at Simas how stuck and how challenging that can be for for everyone the next question which is actually the last question I'm sorry is how to process emotions that feel so close to us yet so far for example Israel related the first thing that comes to mind is a saying I don't know who originally said this but I use it often in with my family and with clients any abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal any abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal and it really allows us to put perspective on what it's like when we're having reactions to experiences we tend to sort of get very self-conscious and think that there's a right way to have a reaction there's a right way to have an experience and then there's a wrong way and then we find for some reason we have this built-in bias I mean there are reasons but not not necessary to get into now but you know we we we presume we're on the wrong side of that we don't tend to think oh my feeling is you know the way I'm dealing with this is okay it's the other one we we tend to get sort of critical with ourselves and self-conscious around that so I think that this question sort of has that built into it like there's somebody out there who's experiencing what what we're going through in some way that's more ideal than how I'm feeling about it or thinking about it people cope with with the realities of their lives in all sorts of different ways and I I like to give the for that different coping mechanisms that we have you know fight and flight was mentioned before but there's a few others they're like different flavors of the same ice cream and so they look different they manifest a little differently but they're but they're all still ice cream they're just different flavors some people just will go with their coping mechanism One Way some people will go another way some people go to the dentist and in their distress they say to the dentist give me a mirror I want to see everything that's happening I want you to describe step by step what's happening and other people say knock me out wake me up on when it's over I'll pay the bill and I'm getting the hell out is there a right way and a wrong way it's just two different ways people attend people distract people shut down people get really reactive there's there isn't a right and a wrong way obviously when we're experiencing uh events that are extraordinary it makes sense that we're going to have feelings that range the the entire gamut and what I also hear in this question is sort of like a certain type guilt almost like a cousin to survivor's guilt of like well so many of my brothers and sisters are struggling with with this in such big ways like well I'm so removed from it and I'm it's not impacting me in such a direct way so like you know it's wrong for me to think that like I'm stressing about this or that my anxiety is real or legit it's just another way of getting down on ourselves and creating more struggle in something that's already a struggle so I would just acknowledge that like bring an awareness if if any of of that is happening in our thinking be aware of that needs I think we're so close to what's going on over there because of all the technology that we have I mean it really doesn't take a lot to you know even to fly over there if out of JFK there's like three flights LL has several flights a day so I'm not sure what it means I think the world is smaller than ever and if anything you know the question is how to get some distance from it I think you know we we and I mentioned this in passing in my um remarks before you know I do think we have to set some reasonable limits on how much we digest what's going on especially being here in the United States and sort of like taper it down to us and to me 30 minut if unless you work in the media 30 minutes a day of exposure to the news is plenty and I also have a general rule that I say to really everyone these days which is a half an hour before bedtime and yes you should have a bedtime we can talk about that too um to to stop using devices and certainly to stop looking at at you know at the news and what's going on in Israel you'll catch up tomorrow I mean you know the news cycle here everything starting in the morning anyway I don't know if you've notice that 678 a.m. is usually when stuff starts to starts to filter in so you're not going to get a whole lot of extra news at 21 to 11 you know 10 11 12 um at night is there a difference between stress distress anxiety and fear and um see approach to each one the same chapter one of my new book so uh anxiety is the same response as fear but there's one key difference fear is a natural healthy good response that people have to keep you um safe when there's an actual threat so if you're stepping off the curve and there's a van or truck which is coming towards you and that startle response which helps you to either fight or Fleet hopefully to flee in that case um to get back onto the curb and to to keep you safe anxiety is the same thing but there's no real car it's like a misfire of the system and that's fine you can have a misfire that's perfectly fine it's like a smoke alarm that goes off with a little bit of smoke as opposed to an actual you know fire it means your smoke alarm Works stress is a little different stress is when there's an imbalance between your demands and your resources and the problem with stress is that the approach that I was saying before face the fear get out there let yourself experience it when it comes to stress you actually need to take a little bit of a different approach which is to recalibrate and rebalance because what happens often when people have too many demands not enough resources it's fine to be a little bit out of balance and have a little stress but if it's chronic stress and it's very tough people tend to take on more and more and more and more as opposed to accepting their limits so there is a difference in the way that we approach each of these three things and for more you're welcome to take a look I think he was the book huh probably question can probably okay so um at this point aava has left she's gone but I want to thank her AA worked very hard on putting this whole evening together she worked tirelessly and uh she did a fabulous job so I want to thank her and then ask me I want to remind you at s we are going to put together support group for anxiety it's just a group will be led by there'll be a group leader and it's not there's no charge for it so if anyone wants to join it's you could do this little click thing or you could call our office um and we also will have a mind uh a mindfulness minute on WhatsApp chat that you'll receive like a daily uh mindful minute so thank you for for coming tonight you stay Cal