Connecting to a Loved One Who Has Passed Away | Letter #12 of 30 Letters in 30 Days

Good evening. Welcome to 30 Letters in 30 Days. This is letter number 12. And um tonight is a a poignant letter. A letter about loss, loss of a loved one. But uh it's also about how that connection can be maintained. And obviously that is something that is important to many of us. So um you know, as a rabbi one of the questions that I hear most often is this question. How to remain connected to loved ones who have moved on to another world. And there are many answers from the Rebbe about this subject. Uh many places where the Rebbe speaks about the eternality of the soul. Um but this is the letter that we're reading tonight. And each letter is another glimpse into a real person and a real relationship with the Rebbe. And um happens to be that in preparation for tonight's class I made a call to a dear friend of mine and a uh a supporter of Soul Words, Rabbi Shmuel ben Yamin Fogelman from Los Angeles. And I said, "Uh do you know anything about this letter?" And he said, "Yeah, I do." And he told me quite a bit. He actually says he may have the original letter in his possession or he may have access to it. He's traveling right now, so he couldn't provide me the image. Um but in the coming days that may be forthcoming with Hashem's help. I'm not going to share everything that he told me um because it's not all for public consumption even though um I'm not going to share the name and he knows the name. He knows the name of the recipient of this letter. I'm going to share some of it though in the hope that it will benefit all of us. So um here's what I'll tell you, the little bit that I'll tell you. The little bit that I'll tell you is that uh as a kid growing up in Worcester, Massachusetts um let's just say that the recipients of this letter were not the kinds of people that one normally or automatically I'm saying from a kid's perspective at least were not the people that one would assume were worthy of such a long and thoughtful and compassionate response from the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Um I'll say it not as bluntly as I could, but bluntly enough to help us really understand the picture. Um you know, sometimes kids think certain people are a little bit strange and they maybe even laugh at those people. Um so what I want you to know, and this is what my friend uh Reb Shmuel Monyomin told me and and I think he didn't tell me explicitly that I can share this, but I he told me this was a life lesson. He said, "Never make any assumptions about anybody because it may just be that the interesting people in shul are the ones who received a letter like this from the Reb. So set aside all your judgment, whatever you think you know, and um just remember we know nothing. Life lesson. Life lesson number one. Okay, fine. He also informed me about the specific circumstances uh through which the particular loved one referenced in the letter uh was uh was lost, how how he passed away. And I think I'm going to not share that just yet. But I'll see if it feels appropriate at some point to tell you that information or at least some of that information. Without further ado, Baruch Hashem Gimel Adar Sheini Tof Shin Yud Tes, Brooklyn, Brocha v'Sholom. By the grace of God, the third day of the second Adar Brooklyn blessing and greeting. And of course we know brocha v'shalom blessing and greeting is how the Rebbe would address a woman. This letter was written specifically to the wife of a couple. Um but it but it it concerns both the husband and the wife. Dor Harav Chosid Ish Yirei Elokim Nichbad V'Na'eh Lo Osek B'Tzorchei Tzibbur Rav V'Chol Maran V'Rabbeinan Rav Yehuda Tzvi Yichyeh Fogelman. Through and the Rebbe gives many honorary titles or honorifics to describe someone that I mean I always heard referred to as Rabbi Hershel Fogelman. I mean in Lubavitch, I guess we could do a lot better with paying uh honor and tribute to uh illustrious and prestigious rabbis. Um but yeah, Rabbi Hershel Fogelman from Worcester. And of course we always knew a senior shliach, one of the early shluchim. He went out already in the 1940s. Um in fact, he was one of the few Lubavitchers who was there when the Friediker Rebbe came to America in Tav Shin in 1940. Um Rabbi Fogelman was uh from a a Galitzianer family. Um and was educated in Torah V'Daas and fell in with the early Chabad community in New York. I mean this is again before the Frieda could have came. So, um he became involved in Chabad and the I guess uh fell for the whole package and became uh full-fledged Lubavitcher and then one of the early shluchim, one of the early shluchim in America. Um in uh in various cities before finally settling in Worcester where he spent most of his years on shlichus, several decades in fact. And he passed away, I think it's not yet 10 years ago. Um in his 90s as one of the the most respected senior shluchim, earliest shluchim, pioneers of shlichus. Um so uh that's that's who this rabbi is that the Rebbe is referring and the Rebbe is saying to this woman, I received from Rabbi Vogelman um your regards. Is mir angekommen a bakasha or bakashas brocha pan far euch. I received from him or through him a request for blessing. And the Rebbe uses the term pan which is an acronym pidyon nefesh and it's a specific formula for requesting a brocha from a Rebbe. So, I received that request for brocha for you un eyer mann un eyer mann shichye and your husband may he be well. She apparently was the one who wrote it. Um and uh or or had it written by I'm not sure exactly how it was done. She wrote it and gave it to Rabbi Vogelman where he or she had him write it for her, I don't know. But it was for her but on behalf of her and like the letter says when I am on and you and your and your and your husband. Okay. At a propitious time I'm going going to mention you at the I'm going to mention your request and everything you need at the resting place of my father-in-law the Rebbe. Um and again as I was mentioning to you what uh what my friend Rabbi Feldman Jr. the son of the Rabbi Feldman in this letter was telling me this is this is an incredible response to people that you would not necessarily expect receive such attention from the Rebbe. And and I'll put it like this. Many many people received responses from the Rebbe that was a one-liner. Ask it all at CN I'll mention you at the resting place of my father-in-law. The Rebbe could have told these people the same thing. Ask it all at CN I'll mention you at the resting place of my father-in-law. The Rebbe mentions that as well. I will mention you at the resting place of my father-in-law but then there are several other paragraphs and I just again another reminder to us to uh remember that we have no way of judging and understanding who we're dealing with. Ultimately this is neshama stuff and who among us knows how to evaluate and assess a neshama. Just a a reminder to keep us humble. Okay. Shouldn't happen to us. I assume it's redacted the name of the son is redacted all of a sudden may he rest in rest in peace that I've translated I don't think I translated that rather for women also wrote to me meaning in addition to giving me the pond the request for blockers about what happened with your son may it happen to no one and may he rest in peace. This was their only child. They lost their only child. He was about 20 years old to the best recollection that I was privy to it happened in 1958. The sun passed away in 1958. So this letter is in 1959 meaning it's it was probably a half a year later. Maybe even close to a year later. That's why it's not you can tell the way that I was responding. It's not an acute condolence letter. It's not like he just passed away. The never first addresses the request for blessings the pond but then in the next paragraph that I have a mention that I have a fogelman also told me about how you lost your son. So it didn't just happen but it was fresh. It was within the year. That's my understanding. Okay. So a young son a 20 year old son an only child. Um I don't know the story about these people. I know that in the 1950s Worcester was full of it was a booming industrial town at the time. That's why that I would wanted to establish a Yeshiva there. Uh and it was full of old school Yidden. You see here that I was writing to this woman in Yiddish. I don't know if these people were survivors who came out after the war. I don't know if they came before the war. Um but you can imagine a Jewish couple in that era probably people who had come from the old country. Um probably from Eastern Europe. And um now they come to America and they have a son. An only son and they lost their son. And and there are more details as well about how they lost him, but I again I'm going to maybe be judicious about how I share that. So, let's just continue here. I think that's all we need to understand at this point. Now, the merit of what you and your husband have done and will do for matters of Yiddishkeit. And I just want to re- reiterate. These were not the uh the honorees of the annual dinner. Okay, these were not big donors or pillars or leaders of the community. These were very, at least from what we perceive outwardly, not just simple humble people, but maybe even people you would consider on the fringe of the community, okay? But the Rebbe says, "That which you and your husband have done for Yiddishkeit and will do for Yiddishkeit unfarshamt, then like also understood euch allein ufiern zich like the onveizungen fun Teitelbaum Kodesha, also that you will personally conduct yourselves according to our holy Torah. Okay, so you've supported Yiddishkeit, you will support Yiddishkeit, and in your personal lives you will conduct yourself according to Torah. So all of those good things that does zich her by stain leilui nishmas say began Aiden Teitelbaum nuchase. This certainly will stand you in good stead or stand your son in good stead as a an elevation of his soul in Gan Eden, in paradise. May he rest there. Um I think maybe I will mention at this juncture that the 20 I mean, anyone who's sensitive enough probably suspected it already. But this 20-year-old only child was lost to suicide. I'm not here to try to explain such a um an emotionally charged subject. Not here to try to explain it according to halakha or custom or psychology or anything. Um I just want to make an observation which I think may be helpful for some people. And that is And we're going to continue this letter and there are more insights I think to to glean. But just thus far, I think it's important for us to know that it's very clear that the Rebbe is speaking about the soul of this young man resting in peace in Gan Eden. I'm not here to have theological discussions. I'm not going talk about this whole subject. I'm just pointing something out. This is how the young man passed away. The Rebbe very clearly is speaking about how this young man is resting in peace in Gan Eden, in heaven, in paradise, and ways that his parents can add through doing things that bring merit to this young young man's soul, they can add to his his station and standing in paradise. Just pointing that out. I think it's important. Und selbstverständlich, it is also self-understood as yet to go in shocking the Rebbe hashem is bored. It's self-understood that every addition that you can make in strengthening yourself in your emunah. See the Rebbe so far had spoken about how they supported Yiddishkeit and how they will conduct their personal lives according to Yiddishkeit, meaning living a life according to halakha, but now the Rebbe speaks about emunah, specifically about faith. So strengthening your faith in Hashem as das vas er tut that that what he does, what Hashem does darf men nit nochtrachten. We don't have to think it over. We don't have to ponder it. Das zugeben in dem iluy haneshama. That will add to the ascent of the soul. I didn't have to share with you how this young man passed away. I could have just said, and it would have been enough, I think, that it's apparent from the letter itself we're we're talking about a couple who lost a child. Okay? And that itself we could understand how valuable this advice is that the Rebbe is giving and saying strengthen your faith in God that everything he does he does for his reasons and that you don't have to keep mulling it over. You don't have to think it and rethink it and rehash it. Okay. And that refusing to go back and rehash that story not only is it certainly better for your your emotional well-being, which the Rebbe doesn't even mention that it'll it'll be better for your emotional well-being, but I think that goes without saying. The Rebbe says that itself adds to the ascent of the soul in heaven. So even if you didn't know this was a suicide, even if you just knew that this was a couple who lay lay low lost a child. That's a valuable insight. That they shouldn't keep revisiting why did it happen? How did it happen? Could something have been different? Stop. Stop doing that. Your faith that Hashem is in control even through this darkest moment, that faith will be a merit for your loved one's soul and give him a greater ascent in the spiritual worlds. Now that you know that it's also a suicide situation, it's obviously that much more profound that the Rebbe is saying, "Don't go back and keep trying to figure it out." Try to have faith. Don't keep revisiting it mentally. And the Rebbe will repeat this this point in this letter. Unzikher is ibrik to erklären euch. It is certainly unnecessary. It is certainly superfluous to explain to you. As die neshama geht nicht chas verloren. The soul does not God forbid become lost. The soul is not lost. And I read this letter before I knew what the circumstances were about how this young man passed away. And it was an important message to anyone who's lost a love a loved one. You should know the soul is not lost. The soul remains. The soul is eternal as the Rebbe is about to explain. How much more so is this acutely powerful and poignant when we understand the circumstances here that this couple is dealing with. So, the soul is not lost. Vot umayid is a eibigkeit. You know, I'm not an expert in the Yiddish language, but I can tell you that is a powerful word to me. A Yid is a Abekite. It could have said a Yid uh is off Abek. A A Jew exists forever. Doesn't say Abek, it says Abekite. That makes it a noun. It makes it the name of a thing. A Yid is a Abekite. That means a Jew is eternality. Not just he exists eternally, but he is eternality. It's a It's a powerful powerful word. And I see in the in the translation, they probably translated it in in a more normal English, so they they said uh a Jew is eternal. But eternal is an adjective. Abekite is a noun. He's not just eternal, he is eternality. What is the concept of eternality? It is a Jew. I just want to mention unconnected or seemingly unconnected with this theme, but the Rebbe once spoke about how Netzach Yisrael Yishaker, that the eternality of the Jewish people, which is Netzach Yisrael is also a byword for Hashem himself, is the fact that the Jewish people, in spite of all the persecution and all of the uh the brutality that the Jewish people have been targeted for throughout the ages, miraculously defying all probability, the Jewish people continue to exist. And the only explanation for the continued existence of the Jewish people is that that is an embodiment of the eternality of Hashem himself. So that when you see a Jew believe this was uh Shabbos Vayikra Taf Shin Nun. The Rebbe was speaking very strong words about uh nothing negative will befall the Jewish people. And the Jewish people are not worthy of punishment. And even though some people were saying about secular Jews bringing upon punishment, the Rebbe was very vehemently against that whole idea. And the Rebbe said just the existence of a Jew on this physical earth walking the the physical earth is a testimony to the eternality of Hashem, of the Netzach Yisrael. So, a Yid is a Abakite. A Yid is eternality. Der Unterschied is nur in Körper. So, the difference, meaning after he passes away, only pertains to the body. In andere Wörter, in other words, as mit fleischige Augen kann man nicht sehen die Neshamah. With our physical eyes, you can't see a soul. Obviously, you can't see souls. Weil man sieht nicht kein Guf. And uh you don't see the body because the person passed away. Aber der der Verbund und Zugebundenheit von Eltern zu Kinder. However, the connection and the bond between parents and their children ist doch nicht über das fleischige fleischiges nur durch It is not the connection of parent and child is not based on physicality, but rather based upon the soul. The fact that parent and child are connected, it's not a physical condition. It's not just because the biological connection, the DNA, the genetics. It's a spiritual connection. And she, the neshama, is guns, is always intact. And you can always do things for the benefit and the ascent of the soul. Like said earlier. Like did I ever mention earlier? Through a through conducting yourself according to Torah. Conduct your life, you the living, conduct your life according to Torah. This will be good for the soul of your child with whom you are eternally connected regardless of that child's physical passing, which only affects the body. But the connection of parent and child is not a body connection, it's a soul connection, and that remains fully intact and fully in force. So, you can benefit your child's soul through your personal conduct living according to Torah. And also, how can you benefit the soul of your loved one? Through strengthening your faith in Hashem. Like did I ever mention earlier, not not to revisit not to rehash the tragedy in your mind. So, if you're going to have a firm calmness, a festic ruach kite, like a real steady, solid calmness, tranquility, and a starke Stimmung, a a a a a a a strong attitude or or conviction, that Hashem is the ultimate essence of goodness. That is going to benefit your child's soul. If you can find within this tragedy, if you can find tranquility, and believe that Hashem, in spite of things that we see that do not appear so, and we can't with our finite minds make sense of them, but nevertheless, Hashem is the ultimate essence of goodness. That that state of mind will benefit your child. It's a very powerful idea. You know, it's almost like I'm just again reading things into the to to these letters, but if you would tell a parent, "Listen, enough already, you're going to make yourself sick. You got to stop revisiting and rehashing the tragedy. You know, what benefit will it do your child if you if you drive yourself crazy and and you ruin your health. You got to calm down." You know what? I don't know how compelling that would be. I think that might even be the opposite of compelling. But, that's not what the Rebbe said. The Rebbe said to these parents, "I need you to calm down and find inner peace through your faith in God. And that will benefit your child. That will give your child a greater ascent in paradise. So, find that tranquility and that peace through through through faith, not for you, but for your child. And I think that's the language that parents understand. And that every knows how to speak that language. Just me reading into this. Okay. It would be a good thing to check your husband's tfillin and also your mezuzahs in your house. You should make sure that they're halachically proper. And in addition to the to the the good practice that I'm sure you already do of giving to tzedakah before uh lighting Shabbos candles on the eve of Shabbos and Yom Tov, so in addition in addition to that you should also do that on the weekdays of Mondays and Thursdays to give a few cents of tzedakah to give a few cents, a few pennies. 1959 a few pennies was still worth something. Give a small amount to charity. But the main thing is as mentioned earlier. This is the third time that I have been mentioning this. That's not trivial. This is the third time that I have been mentioning this. Right now. The main thing is that I have been saying the icker is in addition to supporting you this guide and following a lot in your personal life and checking the mazuzahs and the filling and giving to Dhaka before Shabbos and Yom Tov and on Mondays and on Thursdays. The icker is like mentioned earlier. Stop thinking it over. You have to lock in is is more than thinking of it's cogitating. It's it's pondering. Stop it. You got to stop going back and thinking about what happened. When you will accept upon yourself a firm resolution in this matter. I shall miss going to grant you success in leading a life of accomplishments. This is the This is the advice. This is the path. And it's not just forget it, pretend it didn't happen. No. It's with faith in Hashem that Hashem is at some of type. Give it to God. We know nothing. We understand nothing. But we know Hashem is the essence of good. And therefore we can be at peace. Like the Rebbe said, the Rebbe used that word. Rua kite, tranquility, peace. And it's not just a selfish thing that you should be at peace for yourself. No, this is what's going to help your son. Bivrocho tzu good to bisuros. With blessings for good news, you should let me know good news. Bishaim kvoid kduchas Ad Mo Shlita Maskir. And this letter was signed by the secretariat. Okay, a powerful letter. An important letter. And um Hashem should give the power to whoever needs to implement this letter to be able to implement this letter. And and the main thing is that we should have Moshiach already and there should be an end to all grief and mourning and all family should be reunited with all of their loved ones. Okay, good night.